.. RIP Chris Lopez..

I wish I could say today was a lot better than yesterday but it wasn't. The support from friends and family were what got me through the day.

This evening I called Ashley crying my eyes out because she always has a way of making me feel better. We talked for about an hour and a half about a lot of things-- anxiety, medications, I told her about Jack and what I'd went through last night that has sort of put a strain on my emotions, isolation... She's so wise beyond her years, she knows so much about mental disorders and how to manage them because she had to manage her own anxiety when she was only ten years old. We also talked a lot about her life and I learned some things I hadn't known before, including the hardship she went through with bullying both at school and at home when she was growing up. We also talked about school; she's going to school at UW right now and has one of her best friends there so she doesn't have the burden that I'm currently facing of not really having anyone close to me here.

But because I have people that I can call and talk to it helps a lot.

Today I was originally had plans to hang out with this girl Allie that I'd met at orientation. We were going to hang out at 4:30 today but at about 4' she sent me a text saying she wasn't feeling well. Here I am with makeup on, hair done, ready to maybe go out and do something... Nope. No plans. Weekends are the hardest part for me at CWU because on weekdays when I'm busy with classes I at least have a ton of stuff to get done every day that makes me not really need to go out and do anything. That and I see people in classes which makes the day more interesting.

On the weekends it's like... stuck here in my apartment, usually practicing guitar, watching netflix, whatever. I get tired of it. I really wanted to go out tonight and I felt so lonely. The loneliness and isolated feeling often times triggers panic so I've had a difficult panic day, too.

I talk to my mom about my struggles here and tend to go back and forth on it. Sometimes I'll call and everything will be great (usually when I'm getting good grades, starting to feel like I'm meeting friends, etc...) and other times I will call crying because I miss certain aspects of my old life and wish things were different here.

My New years resolution is to be more optimistic about Central, as well as improve my relationship with God to reduce my anxiety and feel more at peace with my life. Thus far the prayer has certainly improved my quality of life, it's extremely meditative to pray. When I feel pain I sometimes close my eyes and envision Jesus with his hand on my shoulder telling me that everything is going to be alright. It might sound weird to some but I have to do whatever it takes to overcome the anxiety.

I also came across some very tragic news today.

Chris Lopez was in my Japanese class during first year. I'm using this picture because this is how I remember him, he dressed kind of an emo/scene kind of look. Because of this I remember being a little afraid to talk to him because usually people that dress that way only really associate with other "scene" types. When I did talk to him I was pleasantly surprised to realize he's quite nice once you get passed the initial shyness. I always thought he was very cute, though I never really got to know him. 

I got the devastating news on facebook today that he took his own life. I was shocked... of course most people are in these situations. He was always so well put together, and based on what I'd seen on his facebook had friends, and seemed to have just recently been working at Starbucks and enjoying his job. People always try to put together the pieces as to "why" but as we all know what you see on the outside isn't always the greatest indicator of the feelings they're having inside. 

In his most recent posts (December 27, "Think I'll get my campsafe and haertagram tattoo tomorrow after work.) he was talking about getting tattoos. He recently had gotten a Japanese tattoo down his back as well. The last thing he posted was, "So keep in happiness and torture me..."(lyrics from Pierce the Viel) on December 29th. Those were his last words to the world. 

I know he's in God's hands now. He is at peace.

~~~

I am going to have a very long prayer tonight... 

peace. 

I'll go where I want and I'll say what I want, and no one can take it away.

Things've changed in the world of Kuro Neko.

Not drastically from last year necessarily, I mean the activities all seem the same-- the shopping area with the snacks that you can buy, glomp circles, the rave... But all the people from the past two years have changed. It appeared to be a whole new group, I couldn't recognize hardly any returners from the past two years in the pictures. In the next week or so I'll check back to some of their profiles to see if they went.

It's funny, maybe a lot of their phases ended too.. Or maybe they felt the same vibe that our group felt last year and didn't feel like coming back. Knowing that hardly any people I met there were at the con, I don't feel like I've missed out much by not being there.

It's almost 1 am. I'm a little buzzed. I talked to Jason all day again via text messages, good lord we've been talking a lot. It's interesting to get to know him but I feel odd at the same time because he has a girlfriend. I'm trying to just ignore it and get to know him as much as I can as a friend. I like him though, he's really intelligent.

Tomorrow I'm really going to start studying accounting and math. Just a half hour a day would make such a huge difference for me in the long run, it'll make things a lot less difficult. I've also got to get ahold of the school tomorrow about allowing me to take precalc. I really hope THAT works out because that's stressful for me on top of everything else.

Tyler D. called me today asking if I'd like to get together before I leave. When I told him I wasn't going to be leaving until September 12th or so he's like, "Oh! That's not for a long time." I'm going to try and make this very last few weeks special, even if I don't have much planned.

Because this is, in fact, the last I will ever live with my parents in Benton city. I've promised this to myself, once I'm out of here I'm done. I've lived for 20 years and aside from the brief months in California I've always had the same room, same bed location, same ceiling over my head, same little plastic glow in the dark stars that were taken down only recently...

When I went out to Mizu sushi yesterday to catch up with some of the Japanese club people I explained to Taylor that I was a little nervous.

"You'll be Fine!! Relax, you'll find a new happy place up there. You're going to do great, you're not going to fail."

Of course this is all stuff that deep down but to hear it from him felt wonderful. Taylor is such a nice guy, I wish I hadn't been so tired that evening or I would have initiated more conversation with him.

気を紛らします

I feel stupid. Fried. Kind of tired.. Even if last night I got a ton of sleep I feel like there's not much to look forward too. I'm not depressed, though. I've got a couple hours out of the way and it's 2:30 PM.

I ate some stirfry with chicken, teriyaki sauce, powdered ginger and crushed peanuts, all served on top of rice. Of course add a ton of rooster sauce to that too, mmm! Gives me heartburn though, unfortunately.

I still fear getting carpel tunnel from playing this much. Three hours a day is pretty strenuous, and I get stressed out that I'll potentially give myself medical problems on my hand and I'll have to stop playing for a month. For that reason, I've really been making an effort to loosen the tension of my left hand on the fret board. Maybe I'll get some tiger balm or something. I'd REALLY like a massage. . . well, not on my arms necessarily but just a massage in general would be fantastic. お金を持っていません。(D'oh!)

I really should write some Japanese today. Maybe on my ameblo or something. Or maybe just on here. Why the Hell not.

今、夏です。天気が暑くない。私は部屋の中です。ギーターを引きました。気を紛らします。私はその人と話すと落ち込むになる。


I still plan to practice Japanese from time to time if I can. It would be a waste to get this far and completely forget about it. Maybe I'll even go on livemocha today!

5:10 pm:

Good lord this has been a long day. I just got done working out, still got about an hour of playing left to do.. I got a bunch of school stuff taken care of too. Today's been a pretty productive day overall. I'm feeling content for the most part, everything is fine. Feeling a little bit lonely but that's to be expected. Coming to the end of 1 year 6 months, onto 7 months now! One year, seven month anniversary of being emotionally alone (it might even be more because I can't even really count Indy, he's such a creep). Seven months now of not giving a shit, but having to sort of deal with it anyway. 

I've been wondering a lot what's going to happen in the next couple months. I practically hated myself last summer; I mean between hanging out with Leah and her weird posse, dealing with Guy Stevens and literally puking my brains out, scaring the Hell out of my parents when they saw me hanging around that Tyler kid in some meth house... I have no idea what I was thinking. I so badly just seemed to want people to hang around with, regardless of my choices not always being the best. There really wasn't anybody last summer. 

This summer is much better already. I don't have anything sketchy happening because I've weeded through some of the people that I was spending time with to just people that I can trust and care about me. Katelynn,  Alan, Samantha, Shawn, the members of House... those are pretty much the only people I hang out with lately. I work on the weekends, that's more than I could say last summer when I had no job at all. I'm not taking any classes at CBC and don't have to run back and forth to Pasco every day. Yes, things've improved quite a bit. 

This summer is probably going to be a lot lonelier, though. There's no way I'm going to suddenly drop these standards that I've created for myself... but with Connor once again out the picture (he was the only one with one foot in that aspect of my life) I'm going to have to be extremely, extremely patient. 

peace. 

Last time in the cbc library....

Ah, the CBC library. This might be the last time I ever sit in here.

Actually, I'd bet money that it is. This has never really been productive place for me, I usually just come in here and blog until I get so hungry that I have to leave. Today will be different though, I have come to do some major Japanese studying and get as much done as I can so I can be FINISHED with most of this  chapter and have this stress be relieved. This Thursday I have my last oral exam, so it'll really be my last day of class. It's a sad thought, but it's nice that I'll be moving on with my life. Sayounara! Wish you all the best. <3

Yesterday I was pretty sad about Jack flaking on some plans. I was beating myself up over it for no reason because I was extremely tired after not getting any sleep, working all day, and then having him bitch out after being excited about it. I didn't want to let myself get excited, as I'd asked him like four times when we were on the phone if he was SURE he would want me to drive there. But he was a little tipsy which made his confidence in the plans more than they should've been. He said he had to flake because it's finals week. I ended up throwing a bit of a fit to my mom about it, who told me it was okay and to go take a nap. The nap did help a lot, but I woke up sort of frantically at 10:20 when I realized I hadn't played guitar all day (yes, my practicing does mean this much to me, it's silly but I really want to get good).

Jacob has not replyed to my message about buying the Ibanez. I'm considering calling him today. I really want that guitar and it's an awesome deal. I could pretty much pay it out of pocket today and my parents could pay me back later, I don't care. I'm just so fucking tired of that guitar that I'm using now, the neck is too thick and it's hindering my progress. I'll get Jacob's number off yelp and call him today if I can find my phone.

I'm having a feeling that guy isn't even selling the guitar anymore... he probably already sold it to someone else. It makes me sad, that guitar is usually $700 and I would be getting such a good deal on it. I guess I can only hope not, my parents aren't going to want to spend that much on it, they've got a whole bunch of other stuff to worry about. They promissed me they'd get me a new guitar as a graduation present though, but I need to make sure I tell them specifically what I want so my Dad doesn't show up at home with some guitar from Carl's or something.

I could see him doing that. He has randomly purchased instruments for me because he thinks it's what I'd want. No, he has no idea what I want because my playing style is so specific to thin necked guitars-- a lot of which my parents would think are ugly. My cell bill needs to be paid,but I'd rather postpone that this month for a week or so if I can get my guitar a little earlier than two weeks from now. More than likely that's what I'll have to do.

People keep on talking about drinking and getting drunk to me and it cracks me up because I cannot relate to it at all. I have absolutely no intention of drinking when I get up to college because I don't want to get fat. Girls that drink a lot always seem to have that weird poochy belly. Pot doesn't make you fat. Well, that is unless you get the munchies all the time which I don't. Actually I think it decreases my hunger because I'm so focused on something else. With my head the way it's been this last weekend, I really need to distract myself all I can.

Shoot, I just remembered I need to get a haircut. I'm going to go to Wal mart and get that taken care of, but I'm still going to make an effort to study later tonight after I get the kitchen cleaned up.

peace.

Well, this weekend was pretty productive I suppose.

Tyler D. came over last night and we uploaded some games onto my computer. He uploaded over 600 classic video games, they're all really retro 64' games that I can run on with my keyboard. Should be pretty entertaining to mess with one of these days. We had a nice visit. He came over randomly when he had to pick up Julie from a party. He had to sort of sneak in the house because my parents were sleeping. I don't feel Tyler like *that* anymore, and it's funny to think of a time that I did. We're really just good friends now, and ironically of all those guys I talk to him more than anyone. We might be going to see this movie next week with the guy from Borat.

Work today sort of sucked. I am so tired of kissing people's asses all day, but that's retail for you. After this whole weekend of working 20 hours, imagining going to work again on Tuesday is pretty icky. It's okay though, I'm just going to try and relax for tonight and tomorrow. Gotta try to memorize this damn Japanese vocabulary tonight but I really don't want too. I'm just so tired of all of it. I will never regret taking Japanese for as long as I did because I made a lot of friends in the process but God damn I'm ready for it to be over.

I made myself some chicken and boiled potatos. It's bland but healthy and I was so hungry it didn't even matter. I was tempted to have a slice of pizza, which of course my mom and Dad brought home a ton of. There's hardly any actual groceries that can be easily prepared (I'm not saying instant food, but relatively easy things that just require boiling, microwaving or baking. I usually cook for myself once or twice a day, especially when I've got the house to myself. I like to eat food that contains only what I choose to put in it; my own cooking never makes me feel nauseous after I eat it like a lot of other food does. I imagine when I go off to college I'm going to be eating very healthy, but I need to be careful not to starve myself.

Literally, I have a bit of a problem... I'll often go long periods of time throughout the day where I'll barely eat anything. I'll usually graze on healthy snacks, like fruit, boiled veggies, granola, bowls of cereal, etc. I'm not anorexic or anything, but so much food just doesn't look appetizing to me, and it's been like this for awhile now. I don't like eating anything that I think is unhealthy, so if I cave in and eat something that I deem "unhealthy," I'll often take a few bites and throw it away. Like I just caved and ate half a piece of pizza and threw the other half away. Because I know that if I eat the whole piece of pizza I'll feel too full, thus unmotivated to get work and practice done.

So for tonight my goals are (it's 4:00 pm)

-3 hours of guitar

-Write up Japanese flash cards

-Make bed

-Clean kitchen

I'm not going to work out tonight because I was running back and forth today at work the whole time.

Yesterday evening I called Connor because I felt lonely but he didn't pick up, thus making me feel even lonelier. I told him that I'd called to ask to borrow his guitar, but really that's not true.. I just wanted to see him. I just don't want him to think I have any suspicion that I *need* him, because he'll bolt. Fast. And right now he's my.. errm, rock, I guess you could say. He unknowingly keeps me from doing stupid stuff because he's that tiny bit of contact with the opposite sex that I need to keep from making mistakes again. Of course, even if Connor wasn't there, I still wouldn't do anything, but I would get more and more pent up over time and eventually snap and do something stupid. This keeps me align. He respects me, treats me with courtesy for the most part (I mean we joke around, but he never tries to hurt me), and we enjoy spending time together. As I've said before though, all on his time... so I feel like crap when I call him-- which I hardly ever do, last night was a rarity. I had thought about it for about five minutes before I actually did it because I was too afraid too. How very pathetic.

Jessika told me that I find specific excuses that I don't like EVERY guy. This might be true, sort of.. I mean I have ruled out a LOT of guys for one reason or another. But that's just because I don't want to be with someone that's either:

1. A loser. Doesn't drive, has no money, has no car, has no job. You'd be surprised how common this is. I'm fine with just one or even two strikes here if it's a temporary thing, but it seems like lately it's all four! Since when is a guy my age held so highly if he only has ONE of these things?

2. Way, way less attractive than I am. Now, this varies a lot because personality can make a huge difference. Like if a guy has an ego and has his own life going on, I'll find an average looking guy much more attractive than say an even better looking guy that has all these emotional issues and baggage. I don't know what it is, I've always had a thing for cocky guys. Insecurities are very unattractive to me because I've dealt with so many.

3. Unclean. Feeling as if he might have herpes or something because of his history. There's no way to tell for sure of course, but if I know a guy has been with a ton of girls, I will not touch him with a ten foot pole now. I've made mistakes and came out of my partying stage disease free, I do NOT want to get some sketchy ass STD now.

4. Way older than me. I'm talking 25+. I do get older guys that'll try to hit on me once and awhile, and unless they REALLY have their shit together. I can't date someone that's over 25 because I don't want kids for five years at least.

So yeah,  I guess I've got standards.

Here's a picture I took this morning. It's uneditted aside from the contrast. I was pretty ready to work this morning, even though I had a handful of stale goldfish and strawberries for breakfast.  

I'm gonna get going, gonna practice.

peace.



Cleaning out my closet (or my mom's computer), my Japanophile phase pictures.

I feel so flattered today!

I posted a picture that I took in my room this morning because I figured I needed a new default, something a little less black and white to lighten things up. I posted the picture and it has like 18 likes on it. I don't really know why someone "liking" something should mean anything, but it does make me very complimented. Speaking of changes, I think I might change the background on this blog. It's all very clique and I like to change it up every so often. Not like anyone reads this thing anyway. Don't blame them, this is super boring. To be honest I prefer it this way.

Onto today's topic!



"Beauty and the Beast seemed like it all was really brown. The whole thing was just so brown and orange and yellow, like Burger King or something. I don't think I would have liked Beauty and the Beast at any age."
-Mike Judge(an awesome quote I heard earlier, completely unrelated, but the picture is.)

I absolutely cannot stand anything bento or "kawaii" related anymore. Because Kawaii itself is a breed of animation and products that can't be matched by anything in the West yet, I've just reached an absolute burnout. Seeing this picture above of a bento box makes me laugh at how much time and effort I put into those stupid little things! They provided barely any food and sometimes I would put items in there just for show because they looked good and knew damn well that later it wouldn't be very tasty. Ugh, I tried. Deleted on my mom's computer, thought I'd further immortalize it online. I'm trying to clear out some of the seas of images I've stored on this poor device. I'll just upload the ones that stand out.

When I was shopping for a cosplay dress, I saved this because I thought it was cute. That ridiculous thing. What the Hell was I thinking?

Yeah, no. Good ridance to that, forever.

Never uploaded because I hate this picture of me.

This is actually me this summer. Uhm, yeah, I think I'm going to start wearing at least some tinting lotion good lord, it was NOT nessasary to strive to be that pale in freaking July.

A sort of cute picture of me that I never uploaded and now I don't see why, it's a lot better than the picture that I did choose because God forbid you should actually see a little of my top lip. That's another thing, the top lip thing that I do in pictures is something I copied from none other than....

Fucking magibon!!! See a resemblance?

www.youtube.com/mririan

Yeah, wasn't too real about my personality there for awhile. I wanted so badly to be like Magibon, or Margaret Adams. Cute, shy, almost nervous... emulating a Japanese "kawaii" persona in a Western world. It inspired me to the point that I actually decided to LEARN Japanese, and it pushed me up until this point.

This point that I started playing guitar (this started around Christmas. Solid hour a day, THAT was the rule) and realized that music interested me a lot more than Japanese things. I wanted to learn all about it and experience it, as I'd always been envious of people that could shred on guitar. I decided that what the Hell, i'm going to actually put in the practice time to do this. This was a very good decision because it has helped my confidence significantly to develop a skill that nobody can take away from me. That, and coming closer to graduation and facing the REAL world.

I'm like, humiliated posting these you guys I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to say that Magibon didn't have a possitive influence. When I discovered her videos, I was in the stage where I was wearing.. well, GUYS shirts-- black band shirts that covered everything, it was basically like a niqab of my femininity. I felt like I had something to prove my Junior year or so, after going through the Hell of my sophomore year I just wanted people to know I didn't give a shit anymore about what they thought and I was done trying to do myself up for them.

So because of Magibon's influence, I started really getting into cutesy Japanese style, mannerisms, and developing a way to become a mystery to people. But that's not me. I'm not a mystery, I'm an open book. I love to talk, listen. Watch some of Magibon's videos, she doesn't do ANYTHING! She just sits there, stares at the camera, and says a few very basic things in Japanese. It's worked for her very well, she's become almost a figurehead in Japan, had her 15 minutes of fame I guess. But that's her. I'm me. Granted, there are some really cute Japanese clothes and such and I will continue to dress as I please, I do not intend on trying to be something I'm not. I'm happy with myself and feel I look the most beautiful in yoga pants or a black tank top and jeans.

Edit: August 25th. I am not an open book by any means any more, actually I am a mystery to most people I work with and go about day to day life with because I no longer share unnessasary information with people that really don't need to know. It took me awhile to learn how to control things that I said. Really only over the last year have I become less of a "negative nancy" or someone that just... says too much. I can't explain it. I'm happy Magibon helped me be quiet so I could step back and realize the way I was behaving. 

So thank you Magibon for getting me back into looking feminine. In my first encounters with Jack, I was in the band shirt phase but then over time when I was with him I actually WANTED to look good. So she came along right at the correct time I suppose and long after me and Jack stopped hanging out I started dressing a lot cuter. Now I'm sort of in limbo. I don't wear band shirts very often, I have a couple and occasionally I'll wear my old ones to work out or go running. I'm not too preppy or accessorized either.





I often find misc pictures from cosplay conventions that I saved for some use. Deleting these...

It goes without saying that I no longer want to cosplay. I am going to continue to comment people's photos, though. The only possibility that I might cosplay once more is if I go to RadCon again, because you sort of have open territory to dress however you want. As for anime conventions specifically, I'm done cosplaying. To be honest I can't even remember the last time I watched an entire episode of anime, aside from Sailor Moon at the beginning of the year. I watched like 12 episodes of it and I was DONE. But do I enjoy hearing about it from my friend Samantha? Yeah, it's a neat story and it's actually cool to hear about and I love the animation. But I just don't have the time to sit down and watch that stuff. I'm so preoccupied with everything else and like it that way.

I guess the best way to describe how I live now could be related to Confucius, a Chinese philosipher that teaches for people to strive to be the absolute best they can be and live their lives to their fullest potential. This is often why Chinese, Korean, Japanese and Thai people work as hard as they do. Unlike mainstream Confucianism followers, however, I'm not Asian, and I don't have parents that could potentially disown me if I don't do perfectly. I just work extremely hard and obsess on perfection, but it doesn't mean I have an OCD. I'm happy I recently discovered what Confucianism is because it made me feel less abnormal. Like, I'm abnormally hard on myself and I thought it was an OCD.

2012 has been such a good year so far.

I talked to my mom today about getting ahold of Western about my rooming situation. She said that they APPROVED my housing!! WOO! So we are AHEAD of the game, and because I already submitted which building I wanted months ago, I'm now good to go.

I decided not to use the MyRoomate system online because I want to keep my roomates a mystery. I sort of want to get paired with random people so I can get the experience sans the predictability of MyRoomate. It's probably a good idea though so I don't get a Kelsey. Or worse. I could get some morman that gets pissed off about my pot smoking. Which reminds me, I have no idea how I'm going to smoke up there. This might be silly because it's such a liberal school. I don't know, i'm crossing my fingers that I get a room with a window of some sort.

I am not applying to be on a quiet floor because I can work around loud noises. I have in my own house before and at school, it shouldn't be a problem. I'd much rather have the freedom to come and go as I please than not, because I'm not a sneaky person you guys.. 

I won't say that I'm not still fascinated with the anime subculture.

And I have met some really awesome people!

But I just don't feel like I relate to this anymore.

Being a guest at one of these cons was one thing but actually volunteering was an entirely different story. I really did not have a good time this year, it was a ton of work at the maid cafe and after it was over I felt a little silly/embarrised about having walked around serving a bunch of guys in costumes and closet lolitaphiles for hours on end. And I'd driven to Spokane to do this! Very interesting experience. It cracks me up that Guy Stevens was trying to get ahold of me when I was posting these pictures that are considered completely wacky by mainstream society, but when I look back on it now he wasn't any big deal at all and don't know why I was so enamoured.

In all of this let me say that I do not discredit anyone who chooses to be into Kawaii things, anime, etc. I don't feel like I am better than anyone for no longer liking it because everyone has the right to do what they want to do and shouldn't be harrassed for it if it's not hurting anyone.

I just felt like sharing that, I guess. Waiting for Avis to get home. I've still gotta do my hour of "Freeplay" on the guitar but I'm done after that for the night because I already got post of my picking exercises done in the morning. I don't know if I'm getting better or not, I'd hope so. I hope I'm also practicing enough for what Jacob said we're going to start on this upcoming Wednesday. I never really know what's good enough.

Got a 92 on a Japanese test because of all my craptastic particle usage. Damn, it's like, I know the vocabulary and the grammar to the point that I can confidently put things together, but when it comes down to the minor details and kanjis... errg! I can read kanjis fine, but they have to be in some sort of context or I'm screwed. Furigana is always nice too.

Alrighty well gtg, sister is here with groceries.

peace







18 hours later, my fingers are feeling a little dead.

i'm too lazy to write exactly what I practiced this week and how many minutes I put into each specific thing, but my practicing consisted of: Alternate picking patterns (four of them, 20 minutes a day each), a chord packet with three pages, some arpeggio exercises, and 60 minutes of free play. I'm going to put this on my blog just in case I lose the clipboard that has all my info on it.

Total time practiced:
Wednesday, 4/11: 110 min
Thursday, 4/12: 140 min
Friday, 4/13: 164 min
Saturday, 4/14: 160 min
Sunday, 4/15: 150 min
Monday,4/16: 160 min
Tuesday, 4/17: 190 min
____________________
Total this week:  1074 minutes
18 hours

I'm pretty proud. 18 hours is a week is more than twice I was doing before (one hour a day, 7 hours a week). This week I learned Spiders at full speed and did all the crazy warmup exercises he had me do. I hope this is enough, and I hope more than anything that I don't screw up when I try to play..

Ugh, creepy guy in the library just looked over at me with tattoos and chains everywhere and he looks only a little younger than my Dad. Some adults can be so creepy.

The library is so nice to kill time in. I had a hot coffee and a chai scone filled with chocolate chips. Not very healthy, I know, but I've gotta treat myself once and awhile. Damn my abs look great by the way! I found the greatest video recently by a woman named Tiffany Rothe. Mix this with some Glitch Mob dubstep and I am good to go.

Super excited that tomorrow is payday and I'm going to take miss Samantha out SHOPPING!! I'm sure I've mentioned this before that I'm taking Samantha prom dress shopping. I'm actually considering taking her over to Portland now instead of just the tri cities. My Dad is going on a business trip and has a hotel that he's barely going to use. I am debating taking someone or just riding along with my dad and spending the day wandering the city by my lonesome. Err... that's probably not a grand idea. But who  would I take with me on a Sunday night? My dad wants me to go for a whole week with him. Yeaah like that's going to happen, bad idea.

Jack added me on facebook, again. I don't know if the add request was new or if it was just the old one he claimed to had sent before. I accepted it, why the Hell not I don't have any grudge with him anymore, especially after coming clean with him about my disgust with the whole Jessica situation, but that's life.I doubt we'll be hanging out anytime soon, but it's just nice to be on decent terms. Fuck, might as well add Guy Stevens on facebook too, add ALL my sortof ex's.

I like not being mad at anyone or having anyone mad at me... Sometimes me and Sean McIntyre argue in class but it's never anything serious. At least I'd hope he doesn't think of it that way. He's such a dick sometimes but he's so fun to mess around with. It's sort of a battle of wits, haha.

Japanese is going pretty well. I finally made the announcement on my youtube (and also to my facebook wall) that the Japanese thing is done. I'm really not interested in learning the language anymore, though it's been a fantastic experience in itself and I wish everyone that continues to learn it the best of luck! Ganbate~ Too lazy to convert that over because I'm in the library... DO YOUR BEST! :o)

My calluses are building up!! It doesn't hurt to play as badly anymore, which I'm very thankful for because the first day was atrocious. I feel like I can play for a good hour now without having to take a break. I typically choose to take a little five minute break every 20 minutes or so unless i'm working on something that I REALLY want to get done. This morning I squeezed in 50 minutes before school, but then I had to go study. I wish I got a chance to warmup beforehand...

Well, gonna go browse around facebook for awhile. I've got an hour or so to kill before this timer runs out and I head over there.. Hopefully this scone won't cause me an epic sugar rush and crash.

peace.

Even if I experience it, not believe I did it? xD

My mind works in funny ways.

It's Saturday, 9:00 pm... haven't got an idea what anyone is doing tonight, nor do I *really* care,  though if someone did bring it up I can't say I wouldn't go out. I saw Josh a couple times at work today and he insisted I swing by his house after work but he couldn't guarentee he'd be there because he had to run his nephew home or something. I don't really know, but he wasn't home, which made me look creepy to his mom who was outside watering the plants. He's going out of town tomorrow. Errk, he's busy like I am, so I don't want it to seem like I'm coming onto him too hard or something. Idk, best lay low for awhile. I am really starting to like him though. He's chill, really easy to talk too.. likes the same kind of music as me, huge plus.. doesn't take himself too seriously but isn't insecure. Also major plus. Meep.

Alright so guitar! Fourth day of this bootcamp schedule and going strong. I almost find it hard to believe that I've already gotten in two hours of solid playing today. I measure this by setting a stopwatch online.

This is what the stopwatch looks like. It's so ugly I can't help but love it.

http://www.online-stopwatch.com/world-games-running/

I also usually have a songsterr tab up as well as a metronome. I've yet to figure out exactly the proper way to use a metronome, but I've been doing the picking exercises for 80 minutes a day... they're extremely tedious and unsatisfying.. and I'm hoping it's benefitting me in some way because it gets so painful, too.

The hand gripper IS helping, though. Like my left hand feels a little stronger than yesterday and my fingertips aren't hurting as badly when I play. I know it sounds silly to worry about this, but it really handicapped my ability to play for long periods of time. The impulse purchase is becoming pretty handy.

I'll continue working at it.

Tomorrow I also definately need to study some kanji, vocab, etc etc.... I'm not gonna lie guys, I'm getting pretty tired of Japanese. I just feel like my mind is now openning up to other things that interest me more, like music and exercise (what I've been doing in practically all my spare time for a couple months now). I'm also getting really excited about my new discovery, the Human Services major that is. I think it might also be wise for me to pick a minor that more specializes my degree and puts me ahead of the game for hiring purposes. Like if I specialized in drug and alcohol dependency. Very excited for things to come, and as this old chapter in my life ends a new one will begin. Still going to have a little bit of trouble getting rid of the bento stuff, and if it comes to it finally cutting from the Japanese thing once and for all.

Will I ever regret it? I don't know. It's a second language, should I just continue to take it just because the knowledge will benefit me later in life? As my interest for the cultural aspects, anime, cosplay, whatever.. gets thinner and thinner, it's harder for me to learn it. Shit.



I'm not stressing guys, no worries. I feel fine, very good in fact. I'm gonna work out for awhile.

peace.

WOOD FLOORS WOOD FLOORS YEAA!!!

What a fabulous day!

I spilt red paint on my floor, so my parents spent $360 to get me wood floors and they're being installed right now. I'm probably really spoiled. Okay, I know I'm spoiled, but I'm SO happy!! You guys don't understand, I've wanted wood floors for years.

On top of that, school went well. Accounting was really nerve wrecking, again, and that girl that sits next to me is still so on top of everything. She's going to help me a lot, but I think I'm a little jealous-- yet inspired to work harder. I almost showed up late today, another couple minutes and I would of been toast. Probably because I woke up at 6:30 instead of 6. I need to stop doing that, it's not worth it because it just leads me to have to drive faster.

I spent quite a bit of money this week, but I get paid tonight so that'll be nice.

So what actually made my day abnormally well, hanging out with Josh was awesome. We came back to my house, smoked a little bit, took a long walk, and watched a little of this weird juggalo documentary. I find him really attractive, he's got a good taste in music, talented, laid back, doesn't like drama, he's got a lot in common with me, likes being outside... That's definately my type and I hope we continue to hang out together. Another nice thing, he lives only a couple blocks away from work and walks over to the store to buy cigarettes sometimes so I'll see him. : ) Yep, not gonna lie, pretty happy with how today went...

It's 7:15, and my little desk is out in the dining room.

This would be perfect if my sister and jimmy weren't watching TV, so I'm gonna relocate to the family room. It's almost 7:30 and this is what I've gotta get done:

1. Guitar for an hour and a half
2. Do the outline for chapter 10 in accounting. (This'll take two hours)
3. Study Japanese vocab for 30 minutes.
4. Work out for at least 30 minutes.

So i'm driving all the way to Ellensburg on Saturday to go to this spa thing. I'm pretty sure i'll be able to get it off... Went into Rite Aid today to talk to Loraine but she wasn't there, so I'm gonna have to call her later when I find where my phone charger. . . Okay, I don't want to call her.

peace.

最善を尽くしてください! Please try your best.

I posted the title of this blog to Katharine's status saying she's taking her LAST Spanish final. I'm pretty freaking proud of her, she's gonna be graduating from Central at the same time I'm graduating from CBC. I hope we'll be able to attend eachother's graduations. They're going to be painfully long I'm sure but I'm still really excited!

So second day of the hardest week ever. I'm sitting in the library again and I plan on studying accounting for an hour, probably work on the Visual basic final practice, and write a letter of recommendation for Samantha.

Sam sent me a text earlier freaking out about not having one, so I figure why the Hell not it'll only take me a half an hour or so to complete. Not that I don't already have enough on my plate as it is, but maybe it'll deliver some good karma. : )

This weekend is going to be really hectic with the estate sale and everything, but I'm excited for it to be the weekend so my Japanese oral exam and my accounting test will be OVER! The chapter test got moved to Thursday, so I made sure to get my Japanese oral exam moved to Wednesday so I can spend a few more hours tomorrow getting this bank reconciliation crap straight. I'm going to talk to my Dad about it tonight, maybe he can shed some light on it. I really should be going to the tutoring center, but the time that Dwight is there is really inconvient for me. I like to spend that hour between Japanese and Visual basic for studying Japanese and relaxing my mind...

Today was the last regular class day of Japanese V. I can't believe it, another class under my belt. I'm pretty proud of my Japanese speaking and writing skills, but having the initiative to take another quarter of this is going to be hard. I just need to remember that once I get out of CBC, I'll have all of the introductory Japanese done. Only way to do that is to take it again in the Spring. Geoff Webber is going to be my partner next quarter, hopefully. He works very hard and he's extremely goal oriented with it, so I know I can rely on him to actually try during speaking activities.

Today during class me and Hannah really utilized the time sensee gave us to work on the material for oral exams, but it was so loud I could barely hear her. Taylor is just so loud, and he tends to make those other guys louder.

Yesterday I worked on Schism for like an hour. I still haven't gotten much of an opportunity to work on Blue yet. It's got the same tuning System of a Down uses. C# tuning, it's really low. I want to focus on getting Schism down for now before I start something new.

Alrighty well, I think I've rambled on enough. I'm excited to see what the rest of this week holds. probably a lot more stress but I'm keeping up with it. This weekend should be really busy with the estate sale, Katharine's coming back into town, work, and I'm sure either Jessika or Connor will want to hang out with me at some point.

peace.

Let's try an experiment. 40.

Last night ended up being fantastic. I went over to Heather's after dealing with Lindy's lack of knowing what the plan was for three hours+. I was done with it and Heather said it didn't seem like there were any actual plans, so we hung out there instead. We made some really tasty rice pilaf from rice they purchased in Jamaica.

It's unfortunate that it's already 2:30 because I have a lot of work to get done, but if I play my cards right this will be a very productive Sunday and I will be very ready for the following week. I have an idea, I'm gonna try to plan this exactly down to the hour and see if I'm more likely to get it all done.

Everything on this list MUST be done in order to do this:

1. One SOLID hour of studying Japanese. This means no half assed, doing something else in the background shit. 3:00-4:00 PM. I will get this done and out of the way to warm up for other studying.

2. Guitar for an hour. By the time I'm done with studying Japanese I might want a little break so this will give me that time. I've been improving a lot because the past couple days I've "removed the training wheels," so to speak. Originally I was playing with my hands positioned TOTALLY WRONG. I realized this after reading an article about it, and how the position of your thumb can greatly dictate the amount of space your fingers can make. It's incredible. Anyway that helps, still needs a lot of work, still kind of hurts to play in the proper position, but I'm working on it. 4:10-5:10.

3. Accounting homework from 5:15-6. Get done with what I can, then start getting dinner ready. Make something small for myself, maybe take some caffiene, and keep going.

4. Do something for exercise. I'm intending on doing some pilates right now before 3' but do some other exercise during this hour.

5. Visual Basic project after 7' PM. Read over Chapters 1 and 2 one more time to try to get a better idea of the material. I feel myself slipping behind in there and I can't let myself. This should take until 8:30 or so.

I wonder if planning a day to this degree will make it unenjoyable, or super productive. We will see right now.

peace. 

Numbers might make me feel more stable.

Today is just another day.

This is the first sober blog I've done in awhile. Actually I'm intending on being sober for the next week.. at least until Friday. I really need to focus or I'm going to be screwed. Katelynn came over last night so of course I had to introduce her to the new vaporizor, but of course I didn't get anything done last night either. Today is different though, I can't afford for it not to be.

I've got some stuff to get done. Gotta do all those Japanese Kanji worksheets, study the new grammar, do accounting homework, and last but not least make flashcards for my Visual Basic vocabulary. I can do that, right? Right. Plan. Lets go. No more facebook for the rest of the day, it just makes me more depressed. I want to kick this depression and maybe studying will help. Today is the third day I've felt this way. At least there's no work-work until Thursday.

peace.

I'm using this picture as my first cover on the stupid facebook timeline. I switched to it to try it out and now it's not letting me switch back. How sad.

That amazing feeling I get....

When I successfully complete something that I didn't understand before.

Just got done with my Visual Basic homework, and I'm almost sure I did all of the projects right. I'm also enjoying the fact that I can add little bits of customization to my projects as well, like background images. I'd post a picture of my first project but it's on my junk drive and I'm too lazy. Visual Basic itself is a drag and drop interface, which makes setup a breeze. Reminds me almost of setting up a yearbook page. But yeah, figuring out the program took me a few hours, but now that I've got it I feel set.

I also have an accounting quiz tomorrow that I need to study for... I'll probably just look over the chapter. Oh, and a Japanese quiz on top of that. That should be semi easy though, the vocabulary isn't that hard this week. It's pretty stressful but I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and take things one step at a time. My planner helps a lot with that.

Living with low blood sugar is hard because if I don't frequently snack during the day I get really weak and sick feeling in only a few hours. I try to snack on healthy food, like cereal and stuff.

I'm so hungry right now. I feel empty.... I'm sitting in the room across from the library Epicenter. The Collab room. I'd print out my assignments but I have literally no change to purchase the prints. That being said, hopefully I'll get the opportunity to print them sometime in class. I don't have a break between my accounting class and Visual basic to do some last minute catchup.

I sort of wish I wasn't taking accounting. I don't enjoy it very much and it's hard work. I'm still trying to get the basics of it down but it's really weird... thinking backwards and forwards and trying to remember all the terms and procedures. It'll be good for me to get through this class though. It might not be the easiest task, but it'll help me out a lot in the long run. The purpose of being here (and sometimes I forget this...) is to learn, and if anything coming out of this accounting class will give me a perspective on what my Dad does every day, as well as help me with budgeting later down the line.

The reason that I haven't gone home yet is that I'm going to a bonfire over in Kennewick at 7' or so. I'm gonna leave here around 6' and grab some taco bell or something, I need to eat or I'm going to be miserable. I need to try to study some Japanese before I go. Mehh. I really don't think my brain has the capacity to get through accounting studying right now.... neeeeed food.

yours,
Emily

26. O-OVERDRIDRIVE

My brain is on overdrive lately.

I've been doing really well at not procrastinating lately because of my work and school schedule colliding and not really having any time to procrastinate even if I wanted too. The to-do list helps a lot too because it helps keep track of my goals for the day. Yesterday I didn't get done with as much as I'd like too, but I've been really proactive about studying accounting today to make up for it. Gotta make some flash cards for the accounting vocab, cards for Japanese vocab, and it's definately on my to-do list tonight to download and fiddle around with the Visual Basic program at home. That's how I'm going to learn to use it. The book is pretty complicated, but the program itself is interesting enough to me that I know I'll be able to figure it out. It helps that my teacher is totally helpful, too.

This weekend is going to be a lot of working at Rite Aid, unfortunately. I don't really want to work I just want to study and keep caught up. I am so afraid of failure this quarter because so much is on the line for me. My parents are really rooting for me to do well in accounting, Visual basic is my last requirement to graduate, and I'm trying to absorb as much Japanese as possible before I start going to Western. Reason being, the sensee up there might not be so nice.

Last night I had a somewhat interesting adventure, though I'd rather not post about it. . . Probably shouldn't of gone out late on a Wednesday but I managed to get home around 1', get a few hours of sleep, and I've yet to get hit with the exaustion yet. I'll probably be really tired when I get home, though.

I work until 10' tonight... Dana is on vacation, so I'll be more relaxed at work knowing I don't have anyone watching my every move waiting for me to mess up. I know she so badly want to throw me under a bus and it makes me sort of anxious. No use worrying about it though, it'd probably just make matters worse. I've been getting good hours lately, so I know my next paycheck is going to be decent, but SURVIVING until that paycheck is going to be a challenge. I don't even want to look at my bank statement because it'll just make me depressed. After the first few days of school I know I've spent at least $200 on books, gas, etc... But I've been trying to think of school as an investment. Yes, it's expensive, but it'll make me a HELL of a lot more money in the long run if I play my cards right. Accounting might be my major, after all, depending on how I do in this class. It makes a decent amount of sense to me but it's going to take a lot of practice to get the hang of it. It's just a matter of getting used to all of the new terms.

My thoughts are so all over the place today. Just so much going on. I need to go do some mindless work for awhile.

yours,
Emily

The horrendously annoying yet simultaniously catchy song that's an accurate representation of how I've been feeling lately. I am not using cocaine. I've just been so high energy lately... maybe from not being on anti-depressents and finally coming out of a 20 year depressed slump? I have no idea.

18. Wind keeps me up.

Not because it scares me but because I love the sound of it. It makes the mood a lot more interesting.

Todays been slow, but productive. My sweets consumption has been lowered, at least somewhat. It's still pretty bad though, the holidays make it so hard to stay away from chocolate. You guys know me, I love chocolate. So yummy, delicious.. but bad for you, so I've been exercising a lot too. That being said I haven't really gained any weight, in fact my mom says I look pretty thin, but I still feel gross if I eat too much chocolate or whatever other sweet things are around. It's hard for me to go into the kitchen without grabbing a little 3 Muskateers bite (those little tiny 3 Muskateers bite sized that usually come around the holidays. About the size of 1/8th of a bar). Guess it's not the worst thing I could be munching on if I only have one or two, but still. Way more than I eat during the spring or summer.

That planner worked wonders for me today. I wrote out everything that I needed to do, and got it all done. I have to say, I've been getting a lot better at the guitar. I have Hypnotise completely 100% down, aside from that stupid chord transition during the bridge. I'm working on Holy Mountains right now. The only unfortunate thing about SOAD is that their tuning is really specific, and it makes me nervous when I switch back and forth between this Drop C weirdness to Drop D for Rammstein. I only have five strings on my guitar right now... my littlest one broke when I was tuning-- AGAIN. Ugh. It snapped really hard and hurt my hand. Its been like that for a week but I very rarely have to use that small string so I don't worry about it too much.

My mom actually overheard me playing tonight and flipped out because she said it actually sounded really good! That's huge for me.

When I get paid I'll get a new string, among other things that I really need to buy. Like my Visual Basic book from Delaney. School is coming up so quickly!

I studied a little Japanese today, reviewed. I remember a lot more than I expected, especially grammar wise. It's starting to come semi naturally to me now. I really need to work on my katakana packet tomorrow. That'll be my goal, really make an effort to study five out of the next six days before school starts.

Madoka Kugimiya from Negima!
Student Number 11: Madoka Kugimiya (釘宮 円, Kugimiya Madoka) Birthday: 3 March 1989. She is the serious one of the three cheerleaders in the class. She makes sure that the other cheerleaders (especially Sakurako) do not get into any trouble. She likes gyūdon and silver accessories and generally into Western music (currently is a fan of Avril Lavigne from notes), but hates playboys and is mildly obsessed with her husky voice

I've found that another sort of fun way to study my Japanese is, as clique as this sounds, watch anime.

This actually works because I can semi understand the grammar now and it helps me remember old vocabulary.

I'm really excited that I might be going to Sakura con this year! I think it would be really fun if I got a group together that was really into the cosplaying aspect of it. Maybe do a Sailor Moon group or something. Fun fun fun. . . But expensive, I should have enough by then though.

This morning I got called into work at 7:30 and I was there at 9'. Worked til 2'. Quick and easy shift, and I look forward to getting paid in 24 hours.

yours

Emily

~11~ As expected, Christmas break 2011...

..Is really boring and pointless.

I just got done playing around with Waidmann's Heil on the bass and I couldn't even get through it without my wrist hurting me.

Todays been slow and boring. Nothing really interesting going on around here, but I tried to make my time somewhat productive, even if I got up pretty late.

Check out this video SNL video that makes fun of Japanophiles.

I'm not saying I take myself too seriously to the point that I don't find this funny at all, nor do I not see the grain of truth in it. Actually, it's a huge grain... it's like, the real deal, minus the fact that a lot of Japanophiles aren't in your face about it as much as these two. It makes me feel a little humiliated by the fact that some people probably see me like this, but I'm not too concerned. I enjoy cosplaying and learning Japanese, and the two hobbies don't overlap. I think it's when you take the people that are REALLY anime obsessed and mix them with actually learning Japanese at school that you get this strangeness. Luckily, the people that just study Japanese for translating anime don't make it passed 2nd quarter.

I actually did take a look at my Japanese year II Genki book. Wow, advanced stuff... it's going to get a lot harder over the next year. I just need to study as hard as I did when I started and I'll be fine. Today is Sunday, which means grades are coming out TOMORROW! Hopefully I got a 4.0 in Japanese IV... I'd hope so.

I'll tty guys tomorrow, I'm actually gonna dance around in my room a bit to get rid of some pent up energy and get some sleep at a reasonable time.

hopefully....

yours,

Emily



Meeting a brilliant person is a rarity. ~7~

I met probably the coolest person today.

His name is Thomas and he's my friend Lily's (or Cece's, either way, she goes by a couple names) boyfriend, and we got into a conversation today and ended up talking for two hours on all sorts of philosophical things. Lately, for some reason, I've become really philosophical... wondering why we're here, how people interact with one another, how people get ahead, why people associate with others the way they do.. And nobody really wants to hear me rant on about these things though I find myself doing it all the time. But this guy Thomas was totally interested and we had a fantastic conversation. He's a really good listener and talks about as much as I do, so you can imagine it was just.. talktalktalktalk. He's a person that *always* has something to talk about and told me, "My brain doesn't have an off switch. I'm always thinking about something..." That's just like me!!! It was exciting. I am sure we are going to be good friends.

Subtle things like this in my everyday life are what keep me going. Knowing there are people I can relate too. Knowing that I'm not alone. That I'm not a complete weirdo. I'm intelligent and being around other intelligent people makes me happy. No, I'm not saying I'm particularily "super smart," because that would imply that I think super quickly and can regurgitate a bunch of facts because I can't. But meeting other emotionally intelligent people makes me really happy.

I'm so thankful for my friends and I'm happy that occasionally I make new ones. : )

Man, what am I going to do today. I should of been studying Japanese earlier but instead I ended up in this huge conversation. I've got time, considering I go to bed at 11 pm my day is just starting.

My must do list for today:

1. Check out this book that Thomas just told me about that I really want to read.

2. Play for an hour.

3. Study Japanese for an hour and a half to two hours.

4. Work on math finals packets for an hour or so.

yours,

Emily

Ahh, back to the old grind.

I love school, I really do. I love being around people. I love feeling like I have a purpose. I love the stress. Stress and busyness is HEALTHY for me.

Today is the first day of school of my last year at CBC. Of course, this "year" is actually the last two quarters of my Sophomore year of college. It's somewhat hard to believe, but it makes me feel accomplished that I'm so close to my goal of getting my AA. I have math in four hours, so I'm just here killing time. I'm in the tutoring center, and nobody has realized yet that I'm not doing schoolwork. I guess blogger looks a little like schoolwork, I'm writing aren't I? …I moved the document to Word as soon as I wrote that because I think Word is more convincing.

There’s no more TechFee computer lab in the W building, as I might of mentioned before. This sucks for me because BOTH of my classes are in the W building. It would have been nice to just stay there but now I have to deal with walking all the way to S or L to do any work that needs printing. I wanted to make the cover of my Japanese binder for 4^th quarter, but decided to not even bother with the L building. The computers were full this time of year even WITH the W building computer lab, so it’s guaranteed to be more crowded in there now. It pisses me off, what if I have a last minute assignment to do that I HAVE to use the computers in the library for but they’re all full and all rented out? Luckily, with only taking math and Japanese, I probably won’t have to worry about too many writing assignments. It still sucks, though.

Or maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, let’s think of the positives. Facebook is very distracting, and without it, I can now spend my time more constructively.

Andrew told me today before Japanese class that he reads my blog every day. Hello Andrew! Lol. I am really surprised that anyone would take the time to read my rambling. Katharine told me that she does too. This blog can be very depressing at times but I feel happy that my life is turning around for the most part. It’s just nice to be busy again. And with my job, I’ll have money, and then I’ll have more of a social life, and it’ll all come together. I’m gonna see Katelynn tomorrow, I miss her already even if I just saw her last week, ha ha.

I’d like to meet Katelynn’s boyfriend one of these days and see what he’s like. I’ve met him briefly. She says she’d think I’d like him because he’s into System of a Down and plays guitar. Yep, he’s A-OK with me, lol.

The first Japanese class went well today. Sensee is as sweet as always, and went over the syllabus with us quickly. We’ve heard it four times now. I was happy with how much I remember to do grammar wise, because even if I studied quite I bit, I still felt like I wasn’t entirely prepared. I will continue to study, especially now that she’s added a “chit chat” time of the class where we are assigned to talk to our neighbors in Japanese. Today, me, Hannah and Leah talked to eachother about what we did during the summer. It was pretty difficult, and our conversation was pretty paused and awkward, but we tried and that’s what counts. : ) Its weird not having Michael in the class with Leah, she seems a little lost about it. I felt bad today because she was going to sit by me and I told her that I’m sitting by Hannah. Me and Hannah have always been speaking partners and I know we do really well together, so I had to be honest. I tried to tell her as kindly as possible, and said she could sit by me on the other side if she’d like too.
Mark or “Markie,” as Leah and Michael call him, is no longer in the class. I didn’t hear Sensee call his name out, and I noticed that nobody noticed he was gone. Unspoken Philippino guy, Ken san, is no longer in our class either. Neither is long haired Zach, who rarely showed up to class last quarter anyway.  We picked Japanese names today. I’m going to write the ones I know so I can remember to call them by that name.

So the final class roster is: Hannah, Me (now known as Aiko, my Japanese name), Leah (Akane), Brenna, Manuel (he’s going to have a Japanese name), Betsy (Aki), Caitlin (also pending), Alex (Shiro), Ashley (Haruka), Jose, Taylor (Godzilla), Jon (Umino), Sean (Daragon), Phil, Andrew, Geoff (pending)

I might be missing person as I always do, but I’m almost sure that was everybody that was in class today. 16 people. Dwindled down a lot from the original 50+ students that said they were going to go “all the way” with it. I remember Colin during second quarter telling me he was going to take all the classes and about a week later he dropped it because his wife was going to have a baby. I know it may seem weird that I keep track of who has come and gone, but after you spend a year with the same group of people, you start to get to know them.

If I did have a Japanese club party, it would be a LOT smaller of a group this year, unless I invited all of the first year people which would be a ton of people I don’t know, haha. I’m still intending on having a going away party, but it’s going to be all of my friends, including the Japanese club group that is still taking the class by then. Hannah doesn’t know if she’s going to be taking Japanese V, but I’m very thankful that she’s taking IV with me. Got a little nervous this morning when she was the last one to show up to class.

I got a text from Leah this morning saying that “The Troll” (aka Ashleigh) was sitting in on the first two Japanese I classes. What the Hell? I thought she said she was transferring. Ugh, I should of known, she’ll never leave. She’ll be here at CBC long after I’m gone. At least she’s not “sitting in” in our class too… But god, just the thought of seeing her at the club meetings makes me irritable. I’m just not going to let her bother me, there’s nothing she can do that can affect me. I just hope that if I do have input in club meetings that she won’t shoot up her hand and tell why it wouldn’t work or something lame like that. Leah said that she’s going to be tutoring in the Japanese I classes. Hmmm.

Well, I’m gonna get going. Getting sort of hungry. Simply put, things are going good, I’m happy to be back in school, and I’m happy to be alive.

Yours,
Emily

My sister is going to the emergency clinic. Her right ear and nose is closed up, and her throat is burning. She also has a horrendous cough. I hope she can get some treatment and can just rest. She is not giving herself a chance to heal because she stays up until 1 am texting people. Soo I have little sympathy on how slow this has been healing, but I warned her that if she's not careful she could potentially get a pnumonia. This could cause her to be out of school for a month versus just this week. I still haven't gotten sick yet, I'm very thankful. I've been eating grapefruit and taking prenatals everyday. Maybe this makes me more resiliant. I need to buy more grapefruit though... I've eaten a bag of them in a week. I've still got $50 out of the $60 that my parents gave us from simply not leaving the house and doing anything. Best way to save.

I've been spending a lot of my time either playing the guitar, pilates, smoking or dinking around online. I need to incorporate more studying into this time or I'm going to feel a little lost when school starts up again. Granted, I have studied Japanese more than most people have this summer, but I need to really crack down these next two days. I have work on Sunday so I probably won't study that much but I should try to make today, tomorrow and saturday a cram day. At least get in two hours each day. Then I will be ready. 100% ready.

Waking up in the morning with no plans sucks balls. This never used to bother me much back in middle school when I would spend about eight hours a day on Neopets. Back then I generally tried to avoid people at all costs, aside from Katelynn. In highschool when I had soccer practice on a near day to day basis during the summer, I always had something to do.

I want one.

I think I'm gonna go make some morning brew....

I think naturally I'm just a loner. I can go very long stretches of time with no contact with anyone, but writing these blog entries helps me get stuff off my mind without nessasarily telling anyone. I do like being around people, but only people that I actually enjoy the company of, which isn't too many.

I'm pretty happy because I haven't gotten any call from Rite Aid complaining about signatures on reciepts, maybe I didn't miss any after all. Looks like I did a good job after all. I am still a little confused on certain functions on the register, but it seems like most people that come through there are patient so it's okay. I'm good with money, and I don't make errors with change. I'm sure that's the most important thing to them.

Mmm, sweet coffee. I love this strong coffee that Brad from Japanese class gave me with sweet n low. Soo good. I usually don't put any sweeteners in my coffee and just put up with the bitterness, but this morning I felt like going through the extra effort because I actually have the time to enjoy what I'm drinking instead of chugging while I put my makeup on.

Haven't gotten a call from the lady from Burbank yet about the new site director, and it's making me slightly anxious because I made a sacrafice for this job-- I dropped a morning drawing class that I wanted to take. Though this class was just for fun, I've wanted to take it since I got to CBC and I still haven't gotten the opportunity, this time because of this morning tutoring job. But if I'm not even going to get a call from them what am I supposed to do? I don't know her number... I already have one job, but having two jobs would be amazing because i'd make a lot more money AND get great experience working with kids. Still, if I don't get that job I guess i'll have more time to study in the morning. Math and Japanese are both hard classes,and I'm going to have to study and get a lot of work done. Luckily Rite Aid is only going to want me on the weekends (counting Thursday nights), prodominantly.

I am going to set some goals for today. I guess with my parents gone I've been trying to be as productive as possible because the house is quiet, and I'm also trying to keep the house very clean.

Goals:

1. Clean up the kitchen. Get rid of that rice, whipe down the counters, put away the dishes, put in new dishes.

2. Clean up the living room, my sister leaves such a damn mess in there.

3. Whipe down the bathroom.

4. Bring up the laundry from downstairs and put clothes in designated rooms. Start a new load of laundry.

5. Study Japanese for TWO HOURS.

6. Do pilates for a half hour.

7. Play guitar for an hour.

...And if all that gets done, make a youtube video. That is, if I have any ideas for it.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

yours,

Emily