Monday, March 31, 2014

Guess I don't fit with country folks

I swear people from Benton city have been deleting me on facebook in droves. It seems like anytime I get online to look for people to draw I notice a couple people that aren't my friend anymore and it's almost always someone I knew from highschool.. which makes sense, considering I've been out of highschool for 4 years and out of Benton city entirely for 2.

But do I still like to see what my classmates are up too nowdays? Absolutely. It's fun to see people starting families and moving off in their own directions. Most of the people that delete me were acquaintances in highschool that didn't go to college, so that could have something to do with it-- not that it's really anything to be jealous of. Sometimes I'm surprised to see the people that do have me on their friends lists or like my stuff when I once assumed that they didn't like me at all.

I don't know, I like facebook for many reasons, especially for finding photos to use as models for my sketchbook as well as the positive reinforcement I get for my work. But the friend deleting thing is such a lame if you didn't expect that person to delete you.

Like today I noticed Cortney C. deleted me. 

I always thought she was cool and pretty. She moved to benton city from Arizona during our junior year and I wanted to be friends with her. She's really country though so I guess we didn't connect on anything. Meh. But she's one of these people that used to come up on my newsfeed all the time so I used to like her stuff! It made me feel stupid for trying to be her friend in the first place. 

God, I'm starting to get really nervous about Marshall again. My friend Brad let him out this morning at about 7 am.. it's almost 3 pm and he's not home yet. Hes done this before so I'm not as panicked as the first time this happened. I'm not afraid that he doesn't know his way home anymore but where would he go for this many hours if he's not stuck in somebody's house? 

Ugh I can't think about it. 

School starts on Wednesday. I still haven't gotten my books yet but I plan to take care of it pronto. I might buy them when I go to the gym tonight. 


Saturday, March 29, 2014

Unless I write it down for real, PS


It's 10:07 PM and I'm feeling sort of drowsy. Today was sort of boring and I'm happy school is starting the day after tomorrow. Still no word from the Subway manager so I should probably try to call him tomorrow. I'm thinking he might have reconsidered hiring me. Hopefully not, I could definitely use the money, but this quarter is going to be hard and will probably hit me like a ton of bricks by this time next week. 

I didn't do anything remotely academic over spring break. Michael warned me that I should be looking over R which I didn't get around too. I also need to email updated copies of my resume to another couple internships I was looking at for this summer. It's really important that I get that stuff squared away too.. Doing well in an internship will really help me find a job after school and then I won't have to potentially move back into my parent's house after I graduate. 

I also had the intention of briefing the first couple chapters of my finance book to get prepared for what's to come. I actually might have done this had I brought the book back with me to benton city, and the stress of not having it made me want to leave home since Tuesday night. Of course I didn't because my Dad told me how silly that was and that I just needed to relax.

Stress is my biggest struggle. It prevents me from getting a lot done, especially when I'm not diligent about writing down what I need to accomplish in any given day. That structure alleviates a lot of stress for me and when I'm back home I feel like that structure completely evaporates. Whenever I sit down and try to do something productive it doesn't take long to get distracted. Whether it's someone talking to me or talking in the background, some loud TV somewhere, cats meowing at the door trying to get in or out, feeling uncomfortable because I'm in some unusual spot... 

Working out helped my stress a lot last quarter.

Luckily these type of distractions in my apartment are non-existent but I have to learn to adapt to being productive in other environments so I am not so frequently confined here.  Last quarter instead of working out at home using those videos I started using the gym which has been great, I really missed the gym this last week. 

....I've also missed the flipping library! One thing I did do a ton of over spring break was draw and I've got some awesome ones that I'm excited as hell to upload on Monday. Ever since I stopped taking lessons and allowed myself to more diversify my skills my drawing technique has shot through the roof and I'm having a blast drawing anyone I feel like....


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Successfully Slacked off this Spring break, feeling ready now.

There is no denying that my time spent at home is serious relaxing.

It's Thursday evening and I plan to drive back tonight. As always I'm leaving home with a lot more than I came in with. Earlier this week my Mom and I went into town and bought a couple pairs of professional pants, a few pairs of shoes (two pairs of black heals, one pair of everyday tennis shoes that I needed badly because my other black ones are wearing out) and a couple cute tops and a button up blazer. She has a good eye for things. I feel like my wardrobe has expanded a lot already this year just by being less picky and allowing myself to wear more of a variety of things. 

I've been really lazy about taking care of myself or things that I need to do when I'm at home. Being here makes me feel really unmotivated. Partially because my stuff is strewn around the house, also because I'm not on my normal diet and feel groggy from too much over processed food and aspartame in diet coke that's always around here. I feel like a slob and have for the last four or five days but know that I've needed this time to relax my mind before things get crazy again. 

This upcoming quarter will likely be my hardest yet. I'm taking my capstone class for my economics degree, a finance class that I have a lot of pressure to understand considering I dropped it last quarter (plus I'm trying to get an auditing internship in the summer) and a forecasting class that's not going to be a cakewalk by any means-- the program that I'm going to be learning to use is completely foreign to me. 

Then I might also have a job at Subway which will add more to my agenda. I haven't gotten a call about starting work yet... I did get a new phone at the Sprint store the other day so I'll actually be able to hear if my manager calls. That phone was loooong overdue for a replacement. It's going to be nice to not have a phone that Terry and Kevin can't make fun of anymore.

Having gotten my tax return and these nice new things has been the highlight of my spring break. Most of my time has been spent at home either drawing or practicing guitar while watching videos. I fixed up my resume a bit and need to write a cover letter to finish the application for an auditing internship over the summer. It sounds exciting, I'm hoping what I've done so far is sufficient.

I just get so unmotivated when I'm here. Most days I usually don't shower until hours past noon and don't bother to put on makeup because it's not like I'm going to see anyone except my family. Over time this makes me feel more and more antsy and stircrazy. Feeling this way makes me feel angry and I end up taking it out on people around me because my Dad can be really high strung as it is, obviously. 

So yeah, it's been nice to be back and relax for a week but these next few days will be spent preparing for the quarter and trying to find some sort of routine again back in Ellensburg. 



Friday, March 21, 2014

Evening. It's 9:38 pm and I've got some exciting news.

I had a job interview today! Kate R. had told me to apply at Subway because the manager was going to have a baby soon and will probably need more help soon. I did so about 2 weeks ago and got a call from the manager yesterday! The interview went really well. I can't remember my manager's name but he seems like a really good guy. We had an interview that lasted about an hour and a lot of the questions he asked me I had remembered learning about in my management class....

My management class has been a major source of stress for me the past few days. I made the dumbest mistake that might cause me to get a D but I'm too afraid to check my grade at this point.....

My management teacher C. Wu has been awesome. She let me resubmit an assignment even though the formatting of my first paper was completely wrong which I was grateful for. I submitted it to her via email thinking it would expedite the process but the requirement was that was submit it via Canvas (which I only realized today because clearly my eyes skimmed over the email she sent me when I read it the first time.....). Yesterday when I finally submitted the assignment 6 hours late I felt horrible. Because of my anxiety and not following directions I could potentially get a D in this class which will fuck up my GPA for the rest of my college career. Fantastic.

You can see why I don't want to look at my grade. Again this is a late assignment that I finished three days ago that I could have easily submitted on time....

Well I'm eating dinner now. I'd rather not think about this but I thought I should tell you what's on my mind...


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Open relationships? Fuck that

What a horrible disappointment my last couple days have been.

I guess it's nothing new whenever I meet a guy I like. There's always some issue that keeps us from being together. This case was especially difficult because I had misjudged his intentions and what he was looking for. God, to be honest I don't even want to tell you guys about this because it just makes me sick but I know that doing so will make me feel better like always because it helps me put things into perspective.

This guy Ben that I met the other day is in an "open relationship," which basically means he has a girlfriend but they're allowed to hookup with and pursue other people. The first time I heard about this it made me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to have to share someone with somebody. But then I realized how much Ben and I had in common and enjoyed eachothers company so I let it go. I figured the reason he was doing this is because he was looking for an upgrade from his current girlfriend, isn't that why people normally cheat? Because they're not as happy with the person that they're with and would rather find someone else?

Apparently not. Ben informed me today that he wasn't trying to date me because he's unhappy or has any intention of leaving his girlfriend. Instead he wanted to do it because "dating is fun" and him and his girlfriend both "like the experience" of being with other people. But with an understanding that he has no intention of ever leaving his girlfriend. I'm just like, what the f*ck is the point of that for me? You don't expect that if you're spending time and dating someone that they're not going to develop feelings for them and that it could become a very painful situation?

Apparently him and his girlfriend don't see it that way. 

And I know I probably sound like the most shallow person on earth right now but come on. Big nose, no jawline, small eyes, ears that stick out, red hair and unclean looking teeth-- oh plus her hair is Miley Cyrus short now on top of it which doesn't help. When he started pursuing me recently I didn't let the fact that he had a girlfriend bother me because I figured well duh, I'd be a huge upgrade. But then today after asking him questions about their life together I realized that he really does love her and I can't do anything to change that. And the more I spent time with him the more it bothered me until the jealous, competitive side started coming out which isn't a side I want anyone to see.

But yeah what a complete mind fuck that was. I'd never invest time or emotions in a guy that's in an open relationship. It just sucked because I thought he was really cute and seemed to really "get" me but I need to realize that he doesn't even know me and nothing about this reflects badly on me.

So have whatever you want buddy. You guys go be in love and be happy and serenade her with your  sappy acoustic love songs.

damn it I can't help but long for the day that I have a boyfriend that wants to play me sappy acoustic love songs. Or maybe one that can just be decent by showing me the kind of affection and appreciation that I'm dying for so badly. 

I have to be strong. I have to not let this kind of pain and confusion get under my skin. Part of me is just scared. Scared that I'll never find anyone that I'm truly attracted to that wants me back. I guess all I can do until then is make myself as intelligent, skilled, beautiful and rich as possible in order to make myself worthy of that person.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Well I've had an unexpectedly good weekend already.

As I'd mentioned the other day, I met this guy named Ben in the surc when I was eating my lunch on Wednesday. I had originally thought that he had sent his friend over to talk to me but it turns out his Vietnamese-American friend was the one that wanted to talk to me in the first place. I was surprised to hear that because I noticed Ben had been seriously staring me the second I walked in... Anyway the end result was the same, we ended up talking later that night (the night I was frantically looking for Marshall) and we ended up making plans to hang out on Friday.

He came over here and honestly my apartment was a little less than a wreck. The weather was beautiful and I was too busy practicing my guitar to really care. I wanted to make sure to have a good warmup before Ben came over. He plays guitar too and was a music major for awhile so I didn't know what to expect. He's not bad, he was sort of out of practice but I can tell he can play. He sings really well too.

Just the fact that I can "talk guitar" with him is amazing. He also listened to a ton of metal in highschool so we have that in common too. Like while I was making dinner we were listening to Mastodon and Iron Maiden and all kinds of good sh&t. I made chicken Parmesan, which takes forever and wasn't as good as the first time I made it when Michael was here that one night. This time I forgot to mix the breadcrumbs with the Parmesan/garlic salt which made it a little bland. I put too much milk in the eggs so the breading didn't stick right. By the time it was done we had both downed one and a half of those big cans (me on an empty stomach, so I'm sure I was acting pretty goofy at this point..) so he was too full to even eat.

I still ate. Lol I'm one of these people that can usually eat. My eating habits have been rather weird lately because of my late night studying habits and the fact that I wake up around lunch time 3-4 days a week. Late night eating and drinking beer won't do my figure any favors so I've been working out a lot more to counterbalance it.

I was just watching the first 20 minutes of this pretty nauseating documentary about modelling on Netflix called "Chasing Beauty." It's funny how so few, few people fit into what modelling agencies look for. And how depressing  it would be to have a career solely reliant on your looks. They say in the modelling business "you're old when you're 25." The first 20 minutes of the documentary was pretty much just successful, attractive models talking about how much of being beautiful gives you an edge in life and how fun it is to be on the runway. I was like alllrighty then, how long until we get to profile one of the thousands upon thousands of delusional souls that get rejected in this cutthroat industry?

I'm sure it gets there. I'll give it another shot tomorrow if I get bored.....

Because I have to admit, some of guys in the documentary that are pretty incredible looking...


Thursday, March 13, 2014

The day Marshall disappeared

Me after a horrible, terrible night... my lord.... 

Well this evening had to have been the worst evening I can recall this year. Exceeds even the crappy writing assignment that I waited to do until the last day in my management class.

Marshall disappeared for about 10 hours. I thought he was gone for good and my stomach is still nauseous from the stress of the experience. I can't remember the last time I cried so much or felt so helpless.

So today actually started out a good day. I'm done with my midterms and think I did really well on my macro final. I studied practically all night for it. Marshall was of course sitting in the living room waiting patiently for me to go to bed until 3 am... After the hours I'd studied last night I felt okay, sort of like I could go in and get a C. For the night that was good enough after studying for about 3 hours just to get caught up on the reading and homework.

This morning I woke up earlier than usual to study more. Marshall was right on my pillow where he usually ends up by 5 am. I got up at 8 and got ready, went to two Subways (the first one wasn't the right one, apparently) and came back and studied more. Morning was as usual, Marshall went downstairs and ate when I went downstairs and turned on my computer and made a pot of coffee. He sat on my lap while I studied for the next three hours.

Like I said, I think the test went really well. I'll  tell you the exact score on Friday if Wassell finishes grading them. Ironically enough the only two multiple choice questions that really stumped me were the first two on the test. But I think I did really well on the essay questions.

After doing well on the econ test I decided to go to the surc and treat myself to some lunch. Today I happened to be wearing that batman jacket that I wore to the con because I need to do my laundry. I had noticed a really cute guy that seemed to be looking at me but I thought he could be looking at something else and kept walking. I got myself a cheeseburger (with the intention to workout afterward, gotta get that protein!) and sat down to draw for awhile.

I was working on my sketch of Connor C. when I looked up and noticed the cute guy looking at me again. I look back down. Look up again, repeat. We kept making eye contact. He was sitting with a group of other people-- a pretty cute sporty looking girl and another guy who at the time I thought could be either Mexican or Filipino (turns out he's Thai).

Get this, about 5 minutes after I sat down his guy friend walked up to me and introduced himself. He's like "I'm sorry I don't want you to think our table was like creeping out on you or anything but that jacket is awesome!!.."(referring to my batgirl jacket) I was so surprised I'm like "...Yeah, totally!.." and we started talking for awhile. I asked him how old "his friend" was and he said "24." (good, not 18). He ended up introducing us to eachother and we really hit it off today.

His name is Ben. He apparently started out as a music major but realized (like most people) how extremely difficult and useless it is to be a music major unless you want to teach and switched out. He's planning on being a middle school social studies teacher now. Anyway. When he was in the music major his main instrument was guitar so when I heard that I was like "I play guitar too!!!" and of course that led to lots to talk about...

I'm really excited to see him again, he seems interesting.

After I scarfed that delicious hamburger I hit the gym. Today was a good workout, nothing out of the ordinary.

Coming home I noticed Marshall didn't run out like always. He usually meets me at the door. I had noticed that today was especially beautiful and that it was likely he was still playing with Monkey. No problem. I went inside and started doing the dishes and whatever other little things I had to do around the house. After a couple hours of being home I started to feel concerned. It wasn't like Marshall to at least check in. I started pacing around the neighborhood calling his name.

Of course the neighbor kids were following me wanting to know what's up. My neighbor's sort of... erm... slow.... son Kamau kept saying "Emily...! Emily...! Did you lose him?...Did he run away? Is he lost? Did you lose him?"Making me even more nervous. At about 6' (5 hours since the last time I'd seen him) I decided to go make signs. I spent half my printing money in the library today printing "Missing!" signs and spent my evening posting them all over Brooklane.

A few strangers spotted me doing this and asked what was going on and each time I broke into tears. To me it felt like I'd lost a child. Living alone I feel like Marshall provides a lot of comfort for me and the thought of losing that scared the hell out of me. And the fact that I hadn't gotten him a collar and a tag to identify who he belongs to made me extremely angry and guilty.

Finally after posting the signs all over the complex and calling his name with no avail I gave up. I went back to my apartment and started practicing guitar to get my mind off it. My friend Jon called at around 10 pm and I started crying my eyes out again, saying it was so unusual for him to disappear like this. He told me everything was going to be okay and as much as I appreciated it I didn't believe it. I was expecting the worst.

Jon G. and my friend Daniel H. from my pre-calc class unexpectedly showed up to make sure I was okay... They actually went looking for him before they came over, too. I was so grateful they did that, I couldn't believe it. We all hung out for about an hour and a half watching family guy before all of a sudden, passed midnight I hear "Mew...! Mew! Mew" at the door and rush to open it without a second thought.

There's Marshall, he ran in around midnight.... I was so incredibly relieved and thankful. I realized how much I truly loved him but how mischievous and unpredictable he can be. First thing tomorrow I'm getting him a tag and a collar. Before he leaves his apartment again, I swear. Then if he runs off again I know I've done everything I can do to ensure his safety.

I'm just so relieved... God I haven't felt that awful in a long time.


Monday, March 10, 2014

Coming down to the wire. And some tragic news.

Spring forward's a pain in the ass. You lose an hour of sleep and feel like the day is flying by that much faster. This wasn't good timing considering I've got two very important, make or break assignments in the next few days. I am going to use my time wisely toward the completion of my assignments. I have to not be tempted to spend time drawing or playing guitar, I'll have pleeeenty of time for that over Spring break. 

This week is the last week of class. Terry and I met up at the library to do the last econ homework assignment and he's like "Can you believe that? I'm sooo excited for this to be over, aren't you??.." The reminder of this made me feel more anxious than anything. I know that this next week and a half is going to be the most difficult because I sincerely want to finish strong and solidify what I learned this quarter. Doing well this next week and a half will give me the most ultimate sense of achievement which is something worth fighting for.

I have a management paper due on Tuesday at 12 pm and a economics test on Wednesday at 1 pm.

On a completely unrelated note, I have some terrible news.

This is a recent picture of my youngest cousin, my aunt's son. He's so sweet I had to post a picture of him but I'm not going to post names just for privacy's sake.... 

My aunt has been doing great since her pregnancy. She was clean from drugs at the time but also ensured her sobriety by participating in an Oxford house program. She was later able to find a good job, started renting her own place, and built up a network of friends to support her through life in general. Everyone in our family thought things were going great for my aunt, but not much had been said about her current relationship status. 

Well apparently this guy is a complete bastard piece of shit that had the nerve to cheat on my aunt while she was at work to support her son. My aunt found out last night and they got in a huge fight over it. The baby was with my older cousin at the time and she was unable to get ahold of my aunt that night which was bizarre and she got worried. She kept calling and calling with no answer. My other aunt was finally able to get ahold of her later that night and the phone call sounded muddy and she sounded almost incoherent. 

Apparently the fight had gotten physical and she was knocked out unconscious last night. She was taken to the hospital and was in a coma until this afternoon. The blunt force trauma caused her to have a stroke that messed up the right side of her body and she will have to go through weeks (maybe months) of rehabilitation to recover. She won't be able to work and is going to need a lot more help with Wyatt, the responsibility of which will be passed around by my other aunt, uncle and grandma. But of course my aunt and uncle have jobs so my Grandma's going to be doing most of it. It makes me wish there was some way I could help but there's really not aside from give moral support so I gave her a call today to make sure everything was alright. 

My grandma's dealing with this pretty well. She isn't as worried as I would have thought she would be when I called. I guess regardless of having little control over the right side of her body right now my aunt was able to chew and swallow food. We're the most concerned about her mental state and will have to support her and the baby as a family. 


Thursday, March 6, 2014

Spread a little lovin

Damn, it's been a great day... I can say its been a great week in fact.

Here's what's up.

Today I finally got the chance to meet up with my (amazing, funny, sexy, intelligent...) adviser which went really well. He and I talked a lot today, it was pretty sweet-- although of course (..unfortunately..) the conversation was  all about me and what my plans are this upcoming year. I used to hate these conversations and felt embarrassed because I didn't know the answer but now that I have a better idea of what I want in my career I have no problem being like, 'HEY, I know you know about jobs and things going on in the real world.... fill me in damn it.' Eh heh... not literally.

Tomorrow I have a management test and have to start writing this paper that's due on Tuesday. I am NOT procrastinating on this one, seriously that last paper was the biggest mistake I made all quarter. I'm still lucky I got a 38/50 on that thing but right now I think my class grade it sitting on a 2.9. If I can get a solid A on my second midterm tomorrow (*which I have been studying for ahead of time tonight, thank you very much.... even if it took me drawing until 12 am to f*cking do it) that should bump me up a little further. I'd like to get above a 3.0 to at least make it so this doesn't bring down my GPA. God, that'd be so lame, here management is supposed to be my major specialization. I'm going to continue to do all I can from this point forward to avoid that.

Today my Dad and I met at Shari's in Yakima to get dinner go shopping at value village. My Dad and I do this once and awhile, usually when he gets paid and wants to get out of the house. He kept trying to push the time forward that we were meeting because he wanted to stop and play at the casinos but I knew that I wasn't going to be able to accomplish anything until this was out of the way. He understood and said he'd have a better time if he stopped on the way back so we met for more of a late lunch.

I got a really good chipotle, avocado, grilled chicken sandwich and fries. It was "free pie Wednesday" so I scored a couple slices of that for the fridge too.

I wish I could get baked and eat pie with the young David Cassidy. 
Only in my dreams!


Monday, March 3, 2014

Have my cake and workout too

Today was a good day, one of those solid Sundays where I got what I needed too done.

Last night I took the time to write out everything I would ideally like to get done this week. I say ideally because I rarely complete every goal that I set for myself but when I make a solid effort to stick to these goals throughout the week the rewards I reap are always greater than expected. Things materialize-- grades improve, songs clean up.. I might also be getting healthier from going to the gym too. I've been going 3-4 times a week lately because I really like the endorphins.

A couple days ago I'd misplaced my connection card and was thoroughly disappointed when I couldn't go to the gym that night. I realize I like working out because it helps me not think about people.. I can just zone out and not worry, and be happy that I'm spending this time to benefit my body and clarity of mind.

If I continue to enjoy working out this much in life I won't have to worry about body image again. I'll be able to eat and drink more of what I want without guilt. Sweet. 

Because the important thing of course is not to overdo it. I don't want to be rail thin. I weigh 140 right now and this is a really good weight for me. If I continue to workout at the gym I could potentially gain some muscle mass but I can't imagine going over 145... well unless I started really powerlifting and eating more steak which is not likely. On the other hand going to the gym could cause me to lose weight if I'm stressed out and not eating enough but again I couldn't imagine it dropping more than 5 pounds unless I had a really decreased appetite which is not likely either.

Speaking of food it's 2 am and I'm gonna make myself a grilled cheese.... Then I'm going to bed! And I realize I don't give a sh*t because it won't make a difference tomorrow.