Who cares

Yo.

Let's see it's almost 1:30. Actually got up at 12:30 because I was too tired to stay awake after breakfast. Miranda was laying there so cutely, how could I resist. Uhm let's see I've got work, AGAIN, at 4... That's the forth day in a row. I know, nobody cares because everyone has to work-- most people have more stressful jobs than I do. I actually really like that this job lets me do a lot of walking around because I felt kind of stuck at the register at Rite Aid. That sucked and was quite boring.

Some shower thoughts:

I realize now that in my life I've always expected instant manifestation of my wants because that's what I've always demanded. I feel this is one of the reasons I never had luck with men growing up, is because deep down I thought so highly of myself and was so spoiled that I wanted to get "all attention right now right this second" which would throw guys off. Like that's the only way I can explain it. I just wanted the instant gratification of having someone there when in actuality that's something that has to be worked for. 

In the past year I have learned to be much more patient in school, work and life and try to live as independently as possible in the present. I do what I have to do and if I'm busy being alone no longer bothers me at all. 

I've been feeling pretty emotionally stable lately. Work has gotten a lot easier and they actually put me on the schedule in dresses yesterday so we'll see if that's permanent. Kids is annoying to work in but the people that I work with have been pretty nice so it doesn't matter. Shoot I just realized I don't have much time to write, I'll write again later after work maybe I've gotta eat lunch right now though... I've had a lot on my mind lately that I want to remember later... I'll write for sure tomorrow.

peace.

Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

I'll just take my 10 lbs of muscle milk and go now.

How's it going?

I'm fantastic. Today was my last day at Rite Aid, course I didn't realize this until halfway through my shift but now that I'm done... WOOHOOOOOO!!! Never working retail again. It feels weird to now know that I don't have a job but so much is going to happen to me in the next month or so I can hardly contain the excitement.

I was going to run out to Kennewick today but my stupid phone ended up dying. It was fully charged this morning but apparently I forgot to completely back out of the Spotify program and it sucked out all it's life in two hours. I swear to God that stupid phone is either dead or deactivated more than I'm able to use it. Jason just texted me, he's a lot better about texting than I am but we've been talking for over a month now. I'm wondering how our friendship is going to play out when we're at school, it'll be nice to have a friend up there from the get go but I'm sure if it's anything at all like orientation I'll meet people very quickly.

I bought a whole bunch of Muscle Milk mix today. That'll be my last big Rite Aid steal, they were marked down 75% off because they were about to expire but I'll take my chances. The powder has the consistency of flour, it doesn't look like it's going to spoil very easily. I got one large (reg $50), one medium (reg $41.99) and one small (reg $20.99) for about $30. I also got a couple stress relief "homeopathic" drugs for a couple bucks just to try them out as well as some cocoa concentrate.

I can't tell you if it worked or not because I was pretty relaxed to begin with but I can say that they'll be kept in my special drawer. You never know when I might feel some anxiety for whatever reason.

4 days!!!
(coming down to the end people)

peace. 

I actually almost laughed it was so good....

The intensity and anxiety of today has left me unable to write much, but I'll talk about what happened for a little while.

I went to my Grandma Ruby's funeral and because she was 95 years old it was rather small. I hate to say it but funerals for the very elderly people tend to be sort of small because a lot of their friends and family members in life have already passed on. Ruby was really beautiful. My mom told me people in our family have always said we looked similar, and I can see some slight similarities between us. I'd post a picture but I don't have service on my phone.

My family was all there. It was almost all close relatives like Todd, my uncle Terry, Ty, Terry, Traci, and my Grandma Fran. Kelly's parents were there too, but they sat towards the back with the handful of other local people that knew Ruby. The whole environment was extremely sad, but not because of Ruby's death necessarily but what has happened to our family. I felt like everybody knew; there's no hiding what's happened since my Grandpa died and that's what made everyone cry today...

Everything has gotten so cold between us, nobody really knows what to say. I have tried to act like nothing happened around Grandma because that's what I have to do. Grandma thought she was doing the right thing by letting my uncle Ty have the farm but the way it was handled somehow drove our situation to everyone barely speaking to us. My Dad had a really hard time in the funeral and we had to go.

I was completely blown away by an incredible performance of "Ava Maria" sang by Rebekah Norman. I actually almost laughed it was so good, it was like WOW! NOT expecting that.

That's all I can really write about it, I'm going to go out to lunch with Grandma this upcoming Wednesday. Just one more time I've gotta do before I get out of here. It'll be nice, though. Grandma and I really do need to catch up.. I think she'd really appreciate it, too, we haven't really had the chance to talk in years aside from the phone conversation I had with her recently.

I just have to make amends with her more than anyone because I feel like she's one of the main reasons I'm alive. My mom can go on not talking to most of my Dad's family because of the circumstances and it's perfectly reasonable but because I was never directly involved in the farm situation I should at least try to make things right with Grandma.

I'm still never talking to Ty again though, he tried to fire me for God sake, ugh.

10 more days!

4 more shifts!!

Today's shift was easy enough because it was just Jodi and I. It's funny, she actually brought up the fact that working at Rite Aid is extremely repetitive.. This is the first time anyone has brought this in the year I've worked there. Yeah, it's horribly repetitive, I'd pull my hair out if I had to work their indefinitely like many of these women. 

Tomorrow I'm actually going to be working the floor from 7-2 instead of 7:45-3, we're going to hang an epic amount of tags which is LOVELY because I won't be dealing with customers all day. Traci is. :o) Hehehe.

Poor Miranda has no idea that I'm leaving yet. She's been really loyal to me lately, as she tends to do at the beginning of fall after spending her whole summer outside. She's curled up so sweetly on my bed right now. I'm probably not going to cuddle up and go to sleep until 1 or so tonight, though, because I haven't played my guitar all day today... I've just been too pooped. 

Gotta play, gotta practice, it cleans and clears my spiritual chakras and gets me ready to face the next day. My head feels absolutely clogged right now. I feel sort of anxious (even after a nap) from earlier and I hope playing can calm me down. 

peace. 

Milk in the sink day.

I looked up Milk jugs in cart and got this. I was nervous to look up much else on Google image search with the word "Milk" in it. 

Milk is weird.

It's not something we tend to think about very often because it grosses us out... or not, but one thing's for certain. . . when milk sits out it gets BAD. 

Originally today I was supposed to do blue dots in the cosmetics section, which seemed like a good project for me because I like looking at cosmetics. Within 20 minutes of opening the store a woman told me she was going to buy a gallon of milk and it was warm. The freezer said 60 degrees... Within minutes Linda was bringing up cart fulls of milk that I had to dump in the sink.

Overall, though, today was a good day.. it was not very busy so I was able to finish my project throughout my six hour shift but still had customers to talk too. Linda and I get along well, I think she respects that I'm a hard worker. Jay on the other hand probably hates me because I didn't put some security tags on some razors. He acts like I don't do anything around there because he's never worked one shift with me (thank God). 

Still counting down the days. Let's see, after tomorrow it will be... 

17 more days!

Sunday 8/26 

Thurs 8/30 

Sat Sept 1

Sun Sept 2

Thurs Sept 6

Sat Sept 8

Sun Sept 9 When I say my final goodbyes to the couponers, the little old ladies, or whoever else happens to come in that might've recognized me from before. I've become a recognized cashier at this place to some of them that always make their saturday beer run at Rite Aid.

A few of my favorite beer runners:

-"Gimme some-a those Marlboro blacks." guy. 6-pack of Keystone Lights. He usually beings in a black recyclable Albertson's bag that reeks of cat pee. He wears a bucket hat and speaks in an extremely monotone voice that cracks me up every time he comes in, he's pretty funny. 

-"HEY BRAT." Funky old man with probably late 40's tan lady that somehow knows Josh K. They've always been pretty nice to me, and come in multiple times a day. He usually likes to harass me (in a joking manner), and at times it's annoying.

-Sunday school teacher that comes in at the ass crack of dawn and buys a 6-pack. He's really friendly and he tends to be my first transaction of the day. More than likely, he will be tomorrow too. 

Things get REALLY repetitive there.

I'm so ready to move on, of course, but it's nice to get some of this in writing so I won't forget the many weird details of the memories I've had there. 

peace. 

Weeding through garbage to find the right match, etc..

Hello friends, enemies, whoever is reading this.

I am excited for work today. Why? Because today marks 20 more days! This is my third to last Thursday shift. To make things more interesting, I will really try to work to my fullest extent the next nine days to really leave with a bang so it's good if I need to use them as a reference. Eh, it probably won't make a difference in the long run anyway, I've just got to keep the next nine shifts interesting or the next twenty days will feel longer then it already is.

I just need to think of the Tea Girl, and my Noh mask, and all my other strange symbols that have helped me get through the last few months of being extremely burnt out with my job.

Hard to believe it's been a year! The country fair is in town and lots of people are going to be at the rodeo tonight. I just remember that this time last year I was hanging out with Lindy, Mitch, Tyler and occasionally Samantha and Shawn. We went to the fair on a double date type deal, when really it felt a little silly for me to be walking around with Tyler. I mean don't get me wrong, Tyler is a nice guy, but he's younger than me and he's really not what I was looking for in a boyfriend. At that time, though, there was really nobody that I had met... my circumstances were the same as they are now, but at least now the end is in sight and there will be more opportunities to meet people once I get out of here.

Because really here my efforts on meeting anyone have been futile. I really did give up about six months ago and since then I've had random little flames here and there-- like I'll find someone attractive but I'll never actually commit to a relationship with them unless they meet my real standards. I don't hold too high of standards, I'd really like a guy to be intelligent, attractive, presentable, funny. Those are the four standards that I hold highest. A guy with no sense of humor is no fun to be around at all. I can't be with someone that's stupid or very unattractive. But if they're somewhat different looking the other three traits can easily make up for it and make someone more attractive to me.

It just never happened here. I feel like I've never really been close with anyone. The longest relationship I ever had was with Chino which was back when I was 15 (six months), it's been so long that it almost seems silly to talk about it. Ever since then the amount of time my relationships lasted got shorter and shorter until they evaporated into dealing with guys that only want to hook up and you basically have to wait and wait until it's convenient for them to talk to you.

On the New Year I decided I wasn't going to put up with any more shit and pledged that I wouldn't get close to any guy until I was out of the Tri cities. This actually lasted awhile until me and Connor A. started talking again (Connor being my ex boyfriend from when I was 16). I didn't want to be in a relationship with Connor again but it was really comfortable to be around him because I didn't feel like he was going to use or hurt me in any way so I openned up to him a little bit.

We had a few good visits together and he's really the only one I recall having any feelings toward in 2012. My feelings for him are sort of like "Love," but not in a "I love you" way, but more of a reminiscent connection that I will always have with him. When me and Connor spent time together it made me more forgiving of that time in my life, being 16 and a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster. Me and Connor always clicked really well, and I look back on our relationship as one of my fondest memories from my teens.

I doubt we'll ever spend time together again, he's very wrapped up in his own business as I am with mine. No way of telling if we'll cross paths but I'll always consider him a friend to me.

Things have changed a lot since that time, I'm sure when that guy does come around that I'll know. I'm going to have to weed through more garbage before that time comes, I'm sure, but with the amount of knowledge that I've gained from being emotionally isolated this long there's not much that can penetrate my shield that I've  built unless it really is the right person for me. I'm no longer going to put up with guys that want to hook up with as many girls as they can and still talk to a girl they're interested in emotionally on the side. It's a huge red flag and it's everywhere lately.

Alright I need to play more guitar. Wish me luck at work, hope it goes fast.

peace.

Tea girl, you inspire me.

Evening everyone. 

I got a toaster. It's red, $7 at Wal Mart. I bought a bunch of stuff today. Useful stuff that I look forward to using such as some moisturizer for combination skin, Neutrogena grapefruit wash, some boring bodywash that took FOREVER to pick out.

This is what I ended up picking. It smells okay, I'm kind of wishing I would have gone with something sweeter though. I really wanted the smell of pine. It sucks, they don't make pine smelling bodywash! I really love that smell, my mom has this handsoap in the kitchen that smells like it and I adore the smell it leaves on my hands so I decided while walking around in Wal Mart today... "HEY! I want to wear pine body wash. Wait, there is none." 

I was probably meandering around those aisles for 40 minutes before I found all the random junk I realized I needed. Happy I did though. I also got a few school supplies, whatever. I've been picking up things at Rite Aid lately, remembering things I'd need. It's funny, Wal Mart is a lot better about product placement, they really remind you of all the things you'll need versus the little dinky, overpriced sections at Rite Aid. Usually I'll just shop their out of convenience. I'm sooo happy my sister is getting groceries, I'll be able to pack a lunch tomorrow morning. 

10 More Shifts

I think I need to start packing a lunch from now on in general. The food that I buy at Rite Aid isn't good for me at all, typically. Sometimes I'll buy disgusting bags of spanish rice that you cook in the microwave. Everything is too high in sodium and long shelf life like that. God, I need to stop buying stuff, today was the last day I swear to God. Usually I'll also buy fruit or something but today I was in a rush because I'd bought shampoo and conditioner and wanted to get to the break room to text. Texting after dealing with all these people at Rite Aid is nice... 

My job gets old but as I've said before I'm making the most of it. Sometimes at work I think about the "Tea Girl." 

In North Korea one of the highest job titles is to be a tour guide to foreigners that come into the hermit country. The "Tea Girl" is a very pretty North Korean girl that works in a tea shop under the communist regime. The economy in Korea is dead, and goes there to work every day for one visitor every 10 months. You'd have to watch the documentary to understand this, I really encourage you to. 

This is the "Tea Girl" from the documentary by Vice that has caused a lot of comment "thumb ups" on youtube. She's struck a lot of people as both enchanting and well... sad, we all feel extremely sad for her circumstances, and all these other poor, innocent people under the communist regime in North Korea.

I could go on about the regime all day. That's not my point. 

Why she inspires me.

Because my job is extremely tedious. You're stuck all day doing and saying the same damn things under the corporate eye. Nobody is really in charge. This is sort of like North Korea. The Rite Aid (and Wal Mart, for that matter) corporate machine is parallel to the North Korean communist regime when you're working for them. You have to follow a certain protocol, act a certain way, wear a certain thing... it's all atrociously boring. 

So when I'm at my boring job and feel my knees ache or my stomach growl, I think of the tea girl, stand a little straighter, put on my Noh mask, and deal with these people as professionally as I possibly can. Of course she doesn't even get the luxury of customers. It is complete pointless boredom. 

S'okay. Not gonna have to do this again, 10 more shifts. 

4 sunday shifts, 6 hours each.

3 saturday shifts, 6 hours each. 

3 thursday shifts, 6 hours each. 

I'm not going to add up those numbers because it'll distort the truth, I've only got three weeks left! Three weeks until I move! Yahoo, things are getting really interesting. I texted Kristin today about buying the toaster and she said she's got a futon and end table that she's bringing for the front room. I feel like I should provide a chair of some kind then. I'm going to need chairs for my business. 

Deal with it later.

peace. 

I would like you to know, when you see the simple things

It's 12:22 AM, Thursday is usually the day of the week I stay up latest.

My evening shift was pretty lame, all the menial activities that I feel sum up to nothing. It's so boring to work day in and day out, and the manager's jobs are not much better. Actually most of their job is looking for stuff for us to do, at least it seems that way. Leslie runs around like she's super busy for eight hours straight and I see her constantly, but my other managers tend to disappear for long spans of time and I have no idea what they're up too. I don't really care.

I'm just happy that my shifts worked out for me the way that they did. I've never had to work with Jay, my manager, for an entire shift. I would absolutely hate to have him breathing down my neck, tensions are always higher when he's around and I am ultra professional. Well, I usually am. A guy said I sounded like an automated phone service today. That's the goal with corporate, "With us, it's personal" gets too personal when the cashiers make friends with every customer that comes in. I recognize some people, many customers enjoy seeing me because those that come in every day see mainly see Claudia. Claudia is Jay's ideal dedicated employee.

She takes her job so freaking seriously. She told me today that she found a $50 bill by the register on the ground by the candy and actually LOGGED it into the register. No comment.

Again, Noh mask. Just gotta get through this. Smile and nod.

There's a song called "Different World" that really spoke to me today.

Don't wanna be here 

Somewhere I'd rather be 
But when I get there 
I'm afraid it's not for me 

That's really it. I don't want to be at Rite Aid today, I'd rather be home playing because that's all I want to do lately. 

Tell me what you can hear 

and then tell me what you see 

everybody has a different way to view the world 

I would like you to know, when you see the simple things 

To appreciate this life, it's not too late to learn 

I need to appreciate the little things of what I'm experiencing here. I have to take things day by day and learn from them. I get frustrated with this job and these people but I will never work at Rite Aid again in my life. I am going to count out how many shifts I have left....

11

Eleven shifts, oh my God! That is so awesome, 11 more shifts cashiering. Ugh, never again. I swear if this guitar gig works out I'll always have a backup plan if I don't have a job. I will never cashier again.

But I still do try and appreciate the little things that I do at my boring day job. I try to be friendly and professional to the customers that come in. I oftentimes get flirted with which is pretty awkward. Like today this guy asked me if I wanted to go to a Kiss concert with him, it was bizarre. 

I talked to Peter Z. for the first time in forever. Occasionally I like to catch up with him just to see what he's been up too. He recently moved to WSU so I'm very excited for him. He had a crazy ride with the rave scene but now he's totally straightened up and ready to go on with his life. I think it's awesome, he's going to do really well. I'm happy he never got sent to prison or anything. I always feel some weird nostalgic connection with him because he was my first childhood crush, ha ha. 

I should probably get to bed so my day isn't completely destroyed tomorrow. Got all my minutes today, that's strange for a Thursday. 

Oh! I'm excited because I'm hanging out with Tyler D. tomorrow for the last time before I leave. We're going to have a lot of fun, he says he's going go come pick me up after work and we're gonna swim at the apartment complex and play video games or something. Should be a good day.

peace. 

Leaving dinner feeling like you ate an appetizer.

Today's been a pretty productive day, studied accounting for over an hour and reviewed the second chapter. I figure if I do this almost every day between now and when I leave I'll have covered the whole book and I'll actually be ahead for when I start 252. My Dad says I need to relax because it's summer but by the looks of my walls I've been relaxing all summer.

Still haven't checked my balance and don't want too, I know I've probably already gone over my spending limit. I'm due to pay Katelynn again August 9th, I'm going to pay her another $50.

Darn it, gonna bite my tounge and check it.

OMFG I overdrew my account!!

Wow. Turns out Rite Aid didn't pay be and I overdrew my account by $45. I just flipped out and my Mom came in and we called Rite aid to see what's up. Linda's going to look on the computer and see if she can figure out of if there was a screw up in the system. Hell yeah there was a screwup, nothing happened in my account on payday or any of the following days. Once I get that money into my account I'm going to but the $80 BACK into my savings and just live off the roughly $200 until my next payday on the 16th. Hopefully I can save a good $100.

I swear if I get a good guitar lesson gig I'll be able to make more money than the $291 I'm getting from Rite Aid every 2 weeks. I figure I'll charge $20 for each half hour lesson. I haven't decided if that's too expensive or not but I'm certainly going to put more effort into my lessons than Neilson did when HE was charging $20 a lesson as well. He's pretty much disappeared off that face of the earth.

Today I learned all the locations of the note F. This is a pretty big accomplishment even if it's one of about 18. This is the first whack I've taken at learning the notes on the guitar but I intend to get a good grasp on them before I leave the tri cities. Jacob will be helpful I'm sure, even if his regime on learning these notes is a little crazy. The way I look at it, the best way for me to do this is to learn one note a day on each day that I learn a new one, I will review the previous day's note. So tomorrow I'll do G#... the next day G, review G# and F, etc. 

Dave Murray, lead guitar of Iron Maiden. I've learned a couple iron maiden songs.

I want to learn Children of the Damned, it has a beautiful opening verse but would be very challenging for me. 

I watched a documentary about Iron Maiden last night. For rockstars they really did have the best road in their career because of their true originality for their time. They were one of the originators of this heavy metal feel that stands for something. Stands for a lifestyle. We're not satanists by any means, but those of us that listen to this music have some sort of inner struggle that is alleviated by this music. The band had no religious connection to their music. "Eddie," their character that is being possessed by the Devil, is their main focal point in their music, sort of his stories I suppose.. But again, it's not meant to turn kids into satanists, it's all just for fun. Their music showcases the guitar like few other bands I've listened to so I absolutely love Iron Maiden. 

No word from Jason today. More than likely he wants me to text him first but I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. Not because I'm not interested, but because I have really nothing to say. Nothing I've been up to today has been interesting for anyone to hear about, so why am I writing?

I guess just boredom. Giving myself a break from my instrument, waiting for my boss to call me back, wondering what I'm going to do tomorrow. Probably the same thing. Study and play guitar, why the Hell not, it's too hot to drive or go anywhere. Maybe I'll hang out with Katelynn, it is Tuesday after all. I feel bad, she's always having to drive out here... I'll have to be the one that drives tomorrow. Maybe we could meet up with Chris Simmons or something. I do want to hear about his time over in Japan, but he's been trying to arrange the Japanese club kids to get together and I just saw them three days ago.

I don't know, maybe we haven't been apart long enough, but I really had nothing to say... Well I did, but nobody seemed interested in hearing what I'd been doing. I asked each one of them what they'd been up too this summer and none of them returned the favor. Nathaniel did ask me about Central though, by then I felt a little anxious to say anything. I couldn't think of anything else to say so I just sat at my seat at Mizu, wondering what I should pick up off the conveyor belt and adding prices in my head. 

I got a half salmon roll, two $1.50 maki plates and a little salad made from cucumbers and an overpowering tasting marinade. I also bought a dessert ice cram dango thing. All together it was around $11. I left feeling very unsatisfied, however, and was happy to dig into snacks that my parents had brought home from grocery shopping that evening. 

Maybe it's more of an appetizer place than a dinner place. Taylor was suggesting that we all go to Sheri's after the meal at Mizu. Ah ha! He admits he wasn't that satisfied as well and didn't want to spend $30 on the meal, what a shocker. I can't say I'll be going to Mizu again, I thought it was a big rip off. I was complaining to Jason via text which he didn't seem to care much about (my ranting about prices, how fun to listen too!) and I then got him to respond by sending him a picture of ice cream dango. :o)

There we go. おいしいそうです。

And it was. 

I loved the design, it was very flattering for the eye, as most things from Japan are, but I didn't know what to expect from the taste. Alas! It was chewy and delicious, filled with vanilla ice cream. Taylor said I was acting weird and anti social. I guess I just felt a little awkward. I did see Stephanie S. and asked how Zeus is doing. 

I don't know how she feels about me, she could really dislike me for all I know and be putting on a front because I was always sort of a flaky friend toward her. She sort of was to be too though, and I think she got a little frustrated with how strange I was about guys and how I had zero game, so we drifted away from eachother. She appears to be doing well though, she looked pretty and we had a friendly chat. Can't worry about what people think of me anyway.

I'm going to get offline, gonna play with guitar pro for awhile. I'd really just like to learn something easy and out of the ordinary but I can't think of anything. Guess I'll just get Fear of the Dark solid enough to upload a video playing tomorrow. Jacob wants me to talk about how long I've been playing into greater depth as well as gave me permission and *encouraged* to mention him as well. Gladly, I really wouldn't have been able to do this without him and give him full credit for what I've learned so far. I've followed what he's told me to do.  Any way I can help him and his business out! I'd be so sad if he lost his place because of flaky students or something. He seems to be booked almost completely but he's also sort of intimidating and I could see how students would quit if they didn't practice.

No word from Eli today but I did get my math class finalized. I'm in Montgomery's 8:00 class. Maybe I won't study much math, accounting is my main focus right now and I'm just going to have to have a fresh start in precalc. I think I'll be okay, I click so well with Asians I could find a tutor in no time, haha! 

peace. 

Working out feels pretty good, it's a nice way to finish off the day. I'm planning to go to bed here pretty soon, there's nothing else to do today.

Lessons went well, that was the end of week 11. It's hard to believe, it doesn't seem that long ago that I started getting lessons from him but it's already been eleven weeks. This week I'm going to be really focusing in on "To Tame a Land." He told me to break away from picking exercises and stuff like that for the most part and really work on the piece as well as technical exercises-- vibratos and hammer-ons/pull offs. I'm actually getting the hang of those now so that they sound much cleaner. This is going to be a good week. At the end of Week 12 my goal is to have something up on my youtube page. I want to feel ready enough with To Tame a Land, even if it's just the first couple minutes of it.

________________________________

Tomorrow I have work. Work sucks but I've got my job down to a science so it doesn't bother me anymore. I go, get stuff done, clock out. I don't want any catty, bitchy drama or any of them getting into my personal business. Nor do I want to go to this bowling party thing they are trying to coordinate. I really don't want to be a part of job merriment (hahaha). They're adults, I'm 20... that's so awkward.

In the break room I'll usually sit there with my shred neck and practicing picking exercises. This makes me feel more productive as well as meditative. Traci will sit there and laugh out loud really hysterically and I'll try and keep my head down. She's sitting over there reading a book and suddenly bursts out, "BAH HAHAHA." I'm like, "....gulp." tickticktick-tickticktick,  tickticktick-tickticktick. That shredneck doesn't make any actual noise, it's just a warmup device. It really does the job but I need to install some new strings on it because it sort of hurts my fingers using it. 


Wow, hard to believe June is coming to a close already. I barely even feel like it's summer, with the weather we've been having it feels more like a warm April. There's been these random storms that keep popping up out of nowhere. 


This routine is getting pretty mundane. It sort of reminds me of middle school summers again, but instead of on Neopets or Gaiaonline I'm practicing my instrument. Still, same concept. It's summer, people are out doing stuff, I'm in my room in front of a computer screen. 


Nothing more to say. I hope to hang out with Samantha one of these days. I'm happy because I'm getting paid so I'll finally have a little money in my account to go have some fun without stress. I'm sad that I missed the renaissance fair. Actually, I missed a lot of summer things that I normally check out. Having these expenses at the beginning of summer for me sort of hit me like that. Luckily, I'll be going to California soon and getting that time out of here is WAAAAY past due.

Also, did I mention that I'm going to LA? I am going to make a point to visit Katharine when we go to California, maybe it'll be on the way out, I don't know.. I'd really like a chance to see the city with her. I hope I won't be exhausted as Hell by then.


peace. 

Finally done with CBC, yessss,

Sorry about my negative attitude yesterday. Guess I was just stressed out and sad.

I'm feeling a lot better today though because I'm DONE with CBC! Officially done, I've got my AA and I'm well on my way out of here. I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm sure I got a 4.0 in Japanese, which could potentially push up my GPA a tiny bit further too.... OH WHAT THE HELL, there's a block on my transcript!! Damn it, damn it I thought I was done with your bullcrap CBC. I'll have to call my mom to call them and get things figured out because I've got work. She won't be happy about it but oh well, this is supposedly her job at Ki-Be is to help kids go to college, why can't she help me.

Graduation is tomorrow at 7. I'm going to meet up with Delaney R. at 5:30 and we have to be by the Zamboni entrance by 6:30. I have no idea where the zamboni entrance is but I'm sure we'll figure it out with hundreds of people waiting there. We're both honors so I assume we'll be sitting in the same section anyway.

I've got a couple more hours until work. The Japanese final was pretty easy so I have a little extra time. I'm extremely awake right now because I took caffiene and brokaid this morning for the first time this week. I hardly take Bronkaid anymore because I only really need it on Thursdays when I have school and then my closing shift. It creates a long day. Luckily today is freight day, which means I'll be pretty preoccupied. I'm wearing my blue t-shirt instead of the Rite aid polo, and if anyone has anything to say about it I'll gladly say that they need to tell Shelby the same thing. She wears a sparkly V-neck blue shirt to work.

Iconoclast, the CD I've been listening to practically nonstop all week. I can't believe how into progressive metal I've become, I hardly liked it when I first got into it...

Jacob got on my ass yesterday about something. He was sort of impressed by the work I'd been putting into Cemetary gates and To Tame a Land, but he was really irritated that I hadn't been using my amp. He asked if I had been using it and I said, "Eh.... no..." and he told me that I HAVE to use it when I practice electric. I figured this was true but I guess for a long time I was scared to use my amp because I was afraid of hearing myself suck.

That being said, from this day forth, whenever I practice my pieces I will always use an amp. Just using the guitar enables me to believe everything sounds perfectly clean. The second I turn on the amp though, there's about twenty other things I have to worry about... is it too loud? Is the gain high enough? How am I going to manage turning the gain down when I play that verse? Why the f*ck do I sound so muddy? But it's just going to be another thing I conquor with this. The ability to play with an amp is huge with the electric guitar, obviously, because how else are people going to hear me? Plus, once I get the amp settings on my baby amp down I'll be able to invest in a bigger amp and really start shredding.

I'm stoked for Jacob, though. I guess his lessons are almost completely full and he's got 14 new students since he got his own place. His "place" is essentially a small room with two chairs, his amp, his acoustic guitar, and a fan. That's it. But it totally serves it's purpose; he's probably making way more money than he has to pay to rent the place, and he doesn't have to deal with the lameasses at Music Unlimited. I'm wonderng if he's going to paint the place or keep it as is until he makes enough money to move again. Shouldn't even be too long, I think he said he was making $10,000 a month or something crazy like that. Someday I hope I can be as good as he is now and teach people myself. That's a lonnnnng way down the road though.

Here's this last week's practice minutes:

June 6, 170 min

June 7, 147 min

June 8, 242 min (when Skyler came over)

June 9, 164 min

June 10, 80 min (rest day)

June 11, 203 min

June 12, 175 min

Total: 1181 min

This week I am pretty much retiring the 2 string arpeggio packet (cutting it down to 10 minutes a week, and having it be the last priority). I told Jacob this and he disagreed, saying 3 string arpeggios are 6x as hard as the 2 string. I've played the hell out of those 2 string exercises though... I'll keep messing with them here and there for the next week but by next Wednesday I really hope I can get the 3-string packet. I'm replacing that time with a strum packet that I requested. I suck at strumming so I want to get better at those (even if it's something we previously skipped).

Why I'd stress strumming so much.... I don't want someone that just knows chords to have a 1 up on me because I'm not very good at them. I memorized all the basic chords and their names about a month ago and retired that packet but I realized when I was playing with my friend Dylan Nevard that I can't strum worth anything. It's a simple enough skill but it's always been hard for me to get that kind of rhythm.

It's almost 12:30... work starts in an hour and a half. I should stop writing now, lets hope work goes smoothly and quickly.

peace.

Finger chops

Ha ha I made this meme today. I've been sitting in my room watching Netflix (well, TV essentially) and practicing the guitar since I've got home. ..I did a load a laundry and did the dishes but other than that. I really should've studied more than I did in the breakroom today.

I also made some delicious peanut butter cookies. I've never made them before. Right now they're sitting in the freezer hidden in a vegetable bag.

Today I worked. Work was bland, boring. It's sort of funny, everyone thinks I'm so serious because I don't laugh at their jokes. I'm not serious at all, I'm just very professional in my job and don't like to risk having problems with people. I just like to do my job and go home. Jay gives me a lot of shit but just to joke around. I really get the feeling that Jodi doesn't like me, but sort of puts up with me. It doesn't matter anyway, I'll just continue to try not to get on anyone's bad side. Being quiet and smiling at people is always the best policy in retail. People can't get mad at you for things that THEY say themselves.

I caught up with Robert and Dale last night, that was intense. I haven't talked to them in ages, since I was 16 at least. They seemed very happy to hear from me, but they're very depressing to talk too. One of the first things Robert said to me was that he wishes he was seventeen again. He deals with the loss of my Grandpa by saying he was always on drugs but at the same time clearly deeply misses him. My grandma takes care of Robert and Dale for the most part, as my Grandpa did at one time.

Tomorrow I've got guitar lessons. This has been a good week, I certainly practiced a lot. The only day that I didn't meet my quota was the 26th, and did 2 hours 40 minutes instead of 3. This is intense, I'm pretty proud of the amount of practice I'm putting in. I still don't feel like I've got much to show for the practice though, song wise. I've got a few under my belt, but it still needs work. Learning songs by System of a Down had to be put on hold because I needed to break away from the weird tunings.

It's almost like, my fingers are now almost fully trained to do the work that I want to do. Jacob called them "chops," though I thought the wording was weird because "chops" makes me think of singing range. It's true though, I need "Chops" in my fingers to have the ability to pick at difficult speeds, make different stretches, etc... I feel like I could learn a very wide variety of songs now. It's just a matter of picking the songs, getting the right tabs, and having the patience to learn something new even if it's not ideal.

Because of course before learning a song was a huge committment because it would take hours and hours to even make a tiny bit of progress on it. Now that I've improved somewhat it's easier to pick up new tabs and some easier songs I can get the hang of in an hour or two. Unless they're songs with chords, those are a challenge for me because it requires some amount of your OWN rhythm versus copying the song exactly.

My art has always been copying, from my drawing and now with music. I hope that I get good enough at guitar to sort of experiment with my own stuff. I remember even when I got really good at the trumpet I was never able to solo or anything like that because I was never able to let go with it. If I keep working at this though maybe it'll be better.

My manicure has already been chipping off all over. That's okay, I got sick of the red quickly. I should of gotten a pastel color but I was really out of it that day. My sister has a tendency to emotionally drain me, especially when I'm trying to just have a good time hanging out with her and she's ragging on me about every damn little thing. "OH Emily don't leave those leftovers in here, it'll STINK my car up!" ...Anal, much?

Gonna get going, going to work out for a little while, probably play some more, study some flashcards... do what I have to do to get set up for the week ahead. Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week, and then Thursday I get paid. Just not looking forward to working again all weekend.

peace.

Making my boring ass work day go faster....

1:23 pm... Dreading going to work today.

I know that thinking about how long and boring my shift could potentially be is a guarentee that the shift is going to go by LONG. What I'm going to do is grab a stack of flash cards, that way I can study my Japanese and learn all the vocab at the time that I'm stuck standing around at the cash register. Usually Linda doesn't have too much for me to do on Thursdays. I mean it makes no sense for me to do being frieght when you've got Traci AND Loraine working on the makeup by the time I show up. Their job is so much easier than mine.. If I could spend my time working out on the floor straightening and stocking stuff for a day instead of kissing ass I'd be much happier.

I decided to look up some tips on how to make the workday go by faster and this is what I found:
1. Try not to keep looking at the timeThis is nearly impossible for me because my clock is part of the interface on the register.

2. Take lots of breaksCan't do this because it's corporate. Someday I'll have a job where I'm not a slave to the stupid hourly pay system.

3. Draw!! Drawing is a great way to keep entertained if your co-workers/boss can see your computer. Preferably, use post-it notes, as they can be easily hidden (if done properly, it looks like you're writing something important!!). When you're done, you can throw each note out, and if you get caught doodling, you only have a small post-it note full of doodles as evidence that you haven't been working.

This is a pretty good idea... except I'm pretty closely monitored.

4. Set small, achievable goals.
I sometimes do this with time. I'll think of it as "two hours until my next break" intead of "5 hours until I go home."

5. Create some healthy competition.

There we go. There's the solution I was looking for. Today, I'm going to make it a goal to sell way more of those donation balloons for the Children's hospital with the power of persuasion with my looks, haha. Even if I look a little schleppy today...

Today is going to be interesting and I'm now a little excited to go to work. :) Also it's payday so I better check my balance.

peace.

How a couponers can steal money using returns, and all the other weird coorporate shit.

Someday, I'd like to get the chance to tell you how much I love you,

and how much I sincerely fucking hate you.

I don't know WHY you're playing these headgames with me and I wish you'd leave me alone forever.. yet at the same time I want to see you again more than anyone else.

Time will tell I guess.

Typical day at work.

Nothings changed since that HOUR AND A HALF long meeting last night. Okay, I need to rant about this. Jay had planned for there to be a mandatory meeting at 7:30 last night, so I spent practically all day not only working my morning shift from 7:45-3 to then spend hours trying to preoccupy myself at the library, in my mom's van reading, got some McDonalds... but also stay at this long ass meeting of Jay and the other ladies cracking jokes. It was hideous, it's a Saturday night, I wanted to go get ready to party. Or go home and smoke and play guitar. Something. NOT sitting in a Riteaid Warehouse.

The meeting should of lasted a half hour. Literally that's about as much material Jay needed to say, and how much he DID say. The women turned it into a party and went on and on and on about all these anecdotes of their crazy times working at Rite Aid. Granted, some of these stories were pretty entertaining to kill time before the meeting. But during the meeting I was like, oookay moving on guys. Idk, I guess the meeting was turned into more of a fun little social function for them because they brought chips and dip and stuff. Really though, I think the meeting was meant for us to be lectured about some things... or at least that was the appearance of some of our numbers in the boring excel sheets that were given. A record was displayed of some stupid stats from online rite aid surveys.

Okay, first of all, this is NOT an accurate representation of our store at all. Why? Because I'd say over half of our customers that come in on a regular basis and buy the storefront stuff (not including alcohol and cigarettes, we have regular buyers of those too but they rarely want to use their cards or anything) are older than 60. That being said, they're not going to have the computer prowess to use them and take the stupid surveys. Apparently the surveys used to be pretty good because they were done over the telephone. I just imagine some old person on their cord telephone rating their excellent service they recieved during their purchase of Colon-ade. But now, because telephone surveys are almost obsolete because the internet is cheaper, people aren't taking the time to take these surveys.

The ones that do are either doing it for coupons or to bitch, and I'm having a feeling there's more people bitching than anything. Because most people that bitch are welfare women in their early 30's that have nothing better to do but cut coupons and drag their loud ass kids around as they wave their FUCKING COUPONS in my face and tell me things aren't ringing up the right price!!

Ohh yes, because the register is ALWAYS wrong and the cashier is ALWAYS wrong and trying to make YOU spend more money. Let me just get a manager. Let me just get talked down to and lectured because I didn't type in your fucking coupon manually because it's takes too much damn time to read the fine print and locate your the stupid product you picked out. And that's another thing, do you REALLY need it!

Do you really need six bottles of Oil of Olay that you will try to return in a week and get a full refund.

I wonder how that would look from an accounting standpoint. Someone buying an expensive product with coupons, then returning it wanting a full refund of something they didn't originally buy.

I want to see if I can remember how to do this. This is really nerdy, but a good refresher.

3/12   Discounts/Coupons Expense          $44
          Cash                                                      $6
                     Sales                                                     $50
(person buys their bottles of oil of olay with coupons, only have to pay a few dollars for it after coupons are added in)
3/12    Cost of Goods Sold                          $22
                     Inventory                                            $22
(I'm assuming the markup is around there. I could be off, we didn't really learn about markups much and how that's decided)
3/22    Sales/Returns and Allowances     $50
                      Cash                                                           $50
(Person comes back and returns products... Most of the time they're still untouched in the box)
3/22     Inventory                                        $22
                       Cost of Goods Sold                              $22
(Assuming that what the person bought isn't already clearanced out...)

So in the long run, the company is basically paying this person $44 to take stuff out of the store then bring it back and get cash. It's a scam that usually couponers send their husbands to do the dirty work. They'll send their husbands with the products, and the guy will always say that he lost the receipt and that his wife just "didn't like it." I of course have to run the full return, give him a full refund for the product, and what cracks me up is that he probably has no idea this is happening.

This always happens with those damn promo bottles of Oil of Olay.

There are certain sanctions to keep people from doing this, like if you don't have a receipt you are prompted to give store credit. This is a pain in the ass though and most people get irritated that they can't just get cash back. Really, the only time this happens is when some customer comes back complaining about a product that is broken (or... partially used), bought a LONG time ago, AND on top of it they don't have their reciept.

This is the kind of stuff I do on a daily basis at work.

Felt like ranting.

peace.

29. Just waiting for my money.

Money, if you don't come in the damn bank soon I'm not going to be happy.

Rite Aid owes me, big time. Not only for the 30 hours that I didn't get paid for but all the shitty late shifts I had the past couple weeks.

Me and Lindy took a long walk tonight, and again she was dwelling about being single again, and predicts that her and Cole will be back together soon. That's... unfortunate. No don't get me wrong, I don't think Cole's a bad guy at all. He's always been somewhat nice toward me, I suppose. What gets me is that he and Lindy fight all the time, and Lindy complains about how rude he acts toward her, yet she continues to put up with him. That, and he doesn't seem like he puts any effort into the relationship at all aside from driving her nuts with his continual stream of interrogating texts. She straight told me that she hates being single, and I know she's not the only good friend of mine that's that way. Well, yeah, obviously when I take a step back and look at it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with me, aside from being extremely insightful to the point that I have a hard time seeing the beauty in simplicity of every day life (well, which is why I smoke weed). That and my eating hangups, compulsive exercising, history of depression, and occasional anger flareups. But I'm funny, pretty cute, fit, unique, interesting (I'm most certainly NOT boring), and talented in a lot of things. I mean I write, draw, play a little guitar, cook, speak a lot of Japanese... I consider myself a pretty well-rounded, exceptional human being in many respects. And because of this, I've learned to accept being alone. My status today was "By myself but not alone." and many people thought I was talking about a stalker or something. Adam Tye knew immediately that it was Metallica, and I gave him a virtual gold star. : )

Alright I got paid. $344. That's still short. That money could of just been from the last weeks of working, because that's a reasonable paycheck. Where the fuck is that other $200? It's been 6 weeks, I want to get paid for those hours. It's getting personal now. I've gotta write up a statement saying all of the hours that I've worked. Well first I'm going to address it to Jay and see if there is a mistake, but there must be. I'm so frustrated by this.

yours,

Emily

26. O-OVERDRIDRIVE

My brain is on overdrive lately.

I've been doing really well at not procrastinating lately because of my work and school schedule colliding and not really having any time to procrastinate even if I wanted too. The to-do list helps a lot too because it helps keep track of my goals for the day. Yesterday I didn't get done with as much as I'd like too, but I've been really proactive about studying accounting today to make up for it. Gotta make some flash cards for the accounting vocab, cards for Japanese vocab, and it's definately on my to-do list tonight to download and fiddle around with the Visual Basic program at home. That's how I'm going to learn to use it. The book is pretty complicated, but the program itself is interesting enough to me that I know I'll be able to figure it out. It helps that my teacher is totally helpful, too.

This weekend is going to be a lot of working at Rite Aid, unfortunately. I don't really want to work I just want to study and keep caught up. I am so afraid of failure this quarter because so much is on the line for me. My parents are really rooting for me to do well in accounting, Visual basic is my last requirement to graduate, and I'm trying to absorb as much Japanese as possible before I start going to Western. Reason being, the sensee up there might not be so nice.

Last night I had a somewhat interesting adventure, though I'd rather not post about it. . . Probably shouldn't of gone out late on a Wednesday but I managed to get home around 1', get a few hours of sleep, and I've yet to get hit with the exaustion yet. I'll probably be really tired when I get home, though.

I work until 10' tonight... Dana is on vacation, so I'll be more relaxed at work knowing I don't have anyone watching my every move waiting for me to mess up. I know she so badly want to throw me under a bus and it makes me sort of anxious. No use worrying about it though, it'd probably just make matters worse. I've been getting good hours lately, so I know my next paycheck is going to be decent, but SURVIVING until that paycheck is going to be a challenge. I don't even want to look at my bank statement because it'll just make me depressed. After the first few days of school I know I've spent at least $200 on books, gas, etc... But I've been trying to think of school as an investment. Yes, it's expensive, but it'll make me a HELL of a lot more money in the long run if I play my cards right. Accounting might be my major, after all, depending on how I do in this class. It makes a decent amount of sense to me but it's going to take a lot of practice to get the hang of it. It's just a matter of getting used to all of the new terms.

My thoughts are so all over the place today. Just so much going on. I need to go do some mindless work for awhile.

yours,
Emily

The horrendously annoying yet simultaniously catchy song that's an accurate representation of how I've been feeling lately. I am not using cocaine. I've just been so high energy lately... maybe from not being on anti-depressents and finally coming out of a 20 year depressed slump? I have no idea.