Guess who doesnt have to find a new job. Patience.

Evening everyone. Technically goodmorning because it's almost 2 am.

I had such a fun day at work with Angie in the dresses department today. I don't know if I've ever mentioned Angie before but she's this super pretty Mexican girl that lives with her husband and son. She moved up from Mexico a few years ago so an accent that makes her really entertaining for me to listen too. Having friends that I'm working with downstairs is super nice..

I got home from work at 11' and practiced guitar for an hour before calling it quits a little while ago. I browsed around facebook to see what people have been up too. Didn't find anything interesting really and have seen the news feed a number of times today because I was bored in the break room at work. I really shouldn't waste time but sometimes it's very relaxing to do so.


Working in Kids was difficult and made me prepared for anything honestly. I'm not saying working in Kids is harder because there are annoying ass, tedious tasks in every department... what makes kids more frustrating is the little pieces. Folding little teeny shirts and stacking them on short shelves. The racks are shorter too to cater to younger critiques.

Baby clothes are the worst because they have three pieces per set on special hangers. Luckily most people don't try to cart their baby into a dressing room and put clothes on it before purchase.

So I forgot to mention this. A couple days ago when I'd hung out with Josh H. and some of his buddies after work (Josh is rarely in town so I went over to Travis's house after work. This was the first time I'd talked to either of Josh's friends honestly.) at around 12:30 am. I hate late night phone calls but they're especially bad when they come from really creepy automated voices.

It was a "CWU Alert" calling to inform me of the following: "On July 20, 2013 at approximately 10:45 pm a male who appears to be in his early 20’s   was found lying in the O5 parking lot on the campus of Central Washington University. The male had what appears to be multiple stab type wounds and medical aid was notified. The male was transported to the hospital." 

That's exactly what the message said. These guys that I was sitting with were joking around like "Wow by the look on your face that looks like a call I'd want to get!" They were kind of drunk... I think they meant the other way around. Anyway after that disturbing phone call I'd decided to not think about it but later I opened my email to find it again and now I'm wondering what happened. It's actually really weird for something like this to happen in Ellensburg, and I'm sure scared the hell out of the lucky few that are living there this summer.

If I was communicating with Terry I could ask him if he'd heard much about it but we haven't talked since the night I texted him saying I'm done trying to see eachother. I know that he doesn't take me as seriously as I am but I meant it. I'm literally likely not going to talk to him the rest of the summer. That's Terry f*cking S. for you. And then we'll see eachother in the fall and act like that didn't happen and that not seeing eachother all summer should have been expected. I can't say it wasn't... But he still did get in touch with me off and on so I didn't know. He's so weird, I don't get him.

I've honestly really had my mind on someone else. It's never worked with us so I don't know why this time would be any different but I would just really like to spend time with him. But yeah I'm not going to contact him. He needs to show initial interest in me because the last time we'd tried going there he basically told me that doesn't like my personality. I could see why, at the time I'm sure I acted pretty crazy. I just really liked him and didn't know how to act right yet. But I was 18-- and so torn over the Jack thing at that time that I'm sure I was looking for someone to latch onto. The guy that I'm referring to is very laid back, independent and kind of a no-BS kind of guy and that's what I've always been super attracted to. 

We'll see.

peace. 

If I weren't leaving I think I'd be with you. [5 days!]

My Grandma and I had lunch today, which is an enormous burden off my shoulders because she hadn't really heard from my family in a couple years and wanted to know how we were doing. I told her how Avery and I are doing very well, and that neither of us are mad at her. Though the situation is extremely frustrating and my Dad has felt lost without the farm things just happen. We're all still in good health and I should at least make an effort to visit once and awhile.

I've never actually watched the show Bob's Burgers. I'm just... not interested, the animation turns me off. 

We went to Bob's Burgers and I got fish and chips. I only ate a little of it because I wasn't super hungry and wanted to save the leftovers for later but my mom ate them a few minutes after I stuck it in the fridge. Sigh.. I thought she'd at least leave some of it for me, I think I actually said I didn't want any more of it. Probably for the best that I don't eat two big servings of fish and chips in one day...

This morning it took me awhile to get out of bed and I've only practiced the guitar 40 minutes today. I'm going to need a new motivation now that Jacob will no longer be teaching me. I was thinking of starting a new reward system where if I practice my three hours (which will probably shorten to 2 once I start with school) a day I'll put a sticker on my sheet. At the end of the week, for every sticker on my sheet I'll earn $5.  I'll take the cash directly out of the bank and spend it on absolutely whatever I want/need with it.

Better a reward system with cash than food.

Katelynn and I hung out today for a bit. It was a quick visit because she drove out here and had to leave because Alan needed his car. I read her the crazy Trisha/Dylan blog entry, it was the first time she'd gotten the detailed story. They texted me again recently when Dad and I went to Hobby Lobby asking if I wanted to let the "past be the past" and hang out again. Uhm, no thank you...? Just thinking about them makes me shake with anxiousness. I've never been with anyone that finds and points out my flaws so readily.

Katelynn mentioned that she saw Josh K. recently at Albertsons or something. I'm sad that he never really comes into Rite Aid anymore. I don't know if it's because of me because he feels obligated to make small talk or if it's because he can't drink monsters anymore... Or maybe he just doesn't drink monsters and smoke cigarettes anymore. OR he is buying them but found a better deal than Rite Aid. Either way, I haven't seen him in weeks, and I probably won't get a chance to say goodbye.

I'll spend the majority of my shift wondering this tomorrow. The funny thing about Josh is this... I think he is s attracted to me as I am to him but he has never wanted to start something because I'm leaving. This is also probably why  we haven't spent any time together since then (he's messaged me drunk a couple times wanting me to come out there but I don't want that right now... even if I would have liked too). He's been my only interest this summer. He's always been really respectful toward me which is huge. He's confident, nice, AND smoking hot.. all good qualities. I imagine if I weren't going to college, Josh and I would be dating.

But things aren't going to happen that way because they weren't meant too. For some reason God wanted me to have some major alone time this summer, apparently.

5 days!!!

Check it out I finally got a new default. 

Giggity.

It's been awhile since I've been able to get a decent webcam shot. I like my facebook picture to be pretty nondescript like this. 

Shoot it's almost 8:00. I stayed up late one night last night and woke up with worse acne than yesterday, even if the one on my face on the left disappeared I've got two more now near my chin. I need to order differin again but it's so expensive and that'll take a good chunk from my last paycheck but oh well, it's an $80 rescue product that I always should have on hand with my skin issues.

Tomorrow is my last Saturday shift. I have to go into it with a good attitude like I did on Thursday to make it through as quickly as possible.

peace. 

If people would just stop reminding me of this...

It's 12:04 pm. This time a few years back I'd barely be out of bed by now.

Well, if it was the weekend a few years back... Yeah, lets just say there was a time that on the weekends or during the summer I'd get in this routine of not getting out of bed until 1 pm because I was up the previous night until 1 or 2 am. This is a very bad habit that I choose not to do anymore, and it's benefit me a lot. For instance, I no longer have much acne. I don't know if it was mainly due to the Differin or the fact that I've stopped staying up late. A combination of the two has helped, we'll say.

Thus far today I've played guitar for 110 minutes, almost a couple hours. I'm getting better at time management with this. It doesn't seem hard to take a solid three hours out of your day but it is, it makes you feel very shut out. Facebook and Japanese class really do keep me somewhat sane socially, though. That and work. That creepy older Mexican guy has been coming into Rite Aid a lot and bothering me with his almost obsessive loitering. I didn't see Josh K. at all yesterday. I'd sort of forgotten about him until one of my managers mentioned him "checking you out." I don't know if that's true or not, or if she just heard from Tammy or Jodi that I liked him and they pointed him out when he came in.

It makes me sad and sort of irritated that they all know about him. I wish I hadn't told anyone in the first place because now it makes me twice as sad when he comes in. He's got NO interest in seeing me outside of work, he's got his own thing going on.. he's dirtbiking, hanging out with his friends, being a 22 year old guy. And I don't blame him.

If it gives you an idea of how much of a lost cause Josh Kilgore would be to pursue, here's a picture of his default on facebook. His most recent status was that he doesn't want to leave the bar but he has to for "work and sutff."

That's okay though, it's perfectly normal for him to want to go out and party, have fun with his friends, etc etc.. Especially after what he told me. Josh wants to have kids here in a couple years. That surprised me a lot to hear when we spent a little time together, because most guys don't just up and say that, but it's pretty normal. I mean just look at Zach March, Jyle, Jaye Crow, these guys that I've had contact with and have pursued me at one time or another that all have babies and have MAJOR responsibilities now.

That being said, if Josh was being honest there, I don't blame him at all! When you have a kid your life becomes their life, and if you're not ready to make the commitment yet you'll end up going behind your wife's back and probably causing the child a ton of grief. He's doing himself a favor, and then when he decides he does want a baby he'll be ready to settle down for it. I don't think he's going to be going to college or anything anytime soon, and if he does it'll be CBC.. which of course I'm done with. I probably make him feel sort of intimidated.

I know I make Connor feel sort of intimidated. He's the only guy I've been spending any time with off and on, and we've hung out a few times in the past four or five weeks. Connor on the other hand probably has ZERO intention of kids anytime soon, but he's sort of in the same boat Josh is in. He wants to have fun, fuck around, not be tyed down to some girl. It's not that I'd be trying to tye down Josh or Connor or anybody.

 I'd just be nice to spend time with a guy that cares about me that I'm semi attracted too, I really don't think that's too much to ask. But it doesn't ever seem to happen. I don't think it's because I'm not attractive or anything, but ever since I've gotten over my depression I've been so scared to give any guy ANY of my feelings because I don't want to get back where I started. Believe me, I'd LIKE to have someone to talk too when I just feel like talking, or someone to spend time with during some of these many, many, many hours I spend playing this instrument to ease some of the pain I experience from loneliness.

But it only happens when I'm alone, which is when I'll try listening to some Dream Theater or Metallica, something about the pain love brings. I jam, smoke weed, watch documentaries about war and lives that are worse then mine. It numbs the pain and makes me feel normal, and very humbled. Happy about my life and everything I have. I have friends, I have people to talk too. I feel like with everything I have I shouldn't need a man at all, which I DON'T. And I know this very well, but I can't help when there's something inside me that occasionally yells at me "HEY!! WHY ARE YOU SO ALONE. YOU'RE 20 YEARS OLD, YOU'RE HOT, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM??" At least it's gone from my mind saying "You're worthless, you'll never be with anyone." I really don't feel that way anymore, but it's hard to think otherwise when nothing has proved any different. At this point it seems to need a fucking miracle.

Today has really been a good day so far though. I did a load of laundry and washed the dishes. I think I look really nice today. As for guitar progress, I am getting the hang of the distortion part of cemetary gates. I'm going shopping with my sister, buying some clothes. I want to get my nails done so that they have music notes on them. I tried doing it myself but it looked like shit (haha of course, I never said I was good at manicures!).

I'm going to play my guitar some more and hopefully get another hour in before we leave. We're not leaving until Denae leaves the school, goes home and gets ready so that'll be plenty of time for me! I'll hang in there, everything's fine. I think it's normal for me to feel the way that I do. This hopelessness has sort of allowed me learn to cope otherwise.

peace. 

WOOD FLOORS WOOD FLOORS YEAA!!!

What a fabulous day!

I spilt red paint on my floor, so my parents spent $360 to get me wood floors and they're being installed right now. I'm probably really spoiled. Okay, I know I'm spoiled, but I'm SO happy!! You guys don't understand, I've wanted wood floors for years.

On top of that, school went well. Accounting was really nerve wrecking, again, and that girl that sits next to me is still so on top of everything. She's going to help me a lot, but I think I'm a little jealous-- yet inspired to work harder. I almost showed up late today, another couple minutes and I would of been toast. Probably because I woke up at 6:30 instead of 6. I need to stop doing that, it's not worth it because it just leads me to have to drive faster.

I spent quite a bit of money this week, but I get paid tonight so that'll be nice.

So what actually made my day abnormally well, hanging out with Josh was awesome. We came back to my house, smoked a little bit, took a long walk, and watched a little of this weird juggalo documentary. I find him really attractive, he's got a good taste in music, talented, laid back, doesn't like drama, he's got a lot in common with me, likes being outside... That's definately my type and I hope we continue to hang out together. Another nice thing, he lives only a couple blocks away from work and walks over to the store to buy cigarettes sometimes so I'll see him. : ) Yep, not gonna lie, pretty happy with how today went...

It's 7:15, and my little desk is out in the dining room.

This would be perfect if my sister and jimmy weren't watching TV, so I'm gonna relocate to the family room. It's almost 7:30 and this is what I've gotta get done:

1. Guitar for an hour and a half
2. Do the outline for chapter 10 in accounting. (This'll take two hours)
3. Study Japanese vocab for 30 minutes.
4. Work out for at least 30 minutes.

So i'm driving all the way to Ellensburg on Saturday to go to this spa thing. I'm pretty sure i'll be able to get it off... Went into Rite Aid today to talk to Loraine but she wasn't there, so I'm gonna have to call her later when I find where my phone charger. . . Okay, I don't want to call her.

peace.