"S.O.S Day 2" From gasping for air to getting my composure

So as you guys know I came to the conclusion I have to work harder to turn my grades by the end of the quarter (the next four weeks or so)..

 I had another bump in the road last night when I spent hours trying to do well on a quiz and again got a terrible score... 47%. Which I partially blamed on Jacob because we shared answers with eachother and the ones we got different answers on I switched to his answers... and ended up getting a bunch of those wrong and my original answers were right. Because Jacob and I take turns submitting it first so nobody has an advantage, he was right to get frustrated when I flipped out on him for my bad score. I guess I more or less learned my lesson to not completely abandon my own judgement and go with my own gut feelings on answers. I shouldn't just abandon my own work for Jacob's answer because regardless of that fact that he's getting way better grades than me overall, a lot of his answers are decided by intuition and guessing instead of bothering to work through the whole process like I tend to do (which unfortunately tends to take a huge amount of time). Both of our methods work independently but learning to work together is something we could really improve on.

There's going to be another economics midterm in a couple days. I feel like my grasp on this chapter is -slightly- better than the first set but better safe than sorry. Today I spent about 3 hours just working my own copies of the excel templates. Jacob's templates made an extremely convenient reference for using those formulas. Because I've got such a good reference I'm deciding to ensure I'm getting the hang of excel by making my own copies of the templates instead of downloading Gray's. It's a long process but a rewarding one.

Today I was also good and read the first half of my insurance chapter for law. I found this one particularly interesting because it gave me a potential job insight. Insurance agents assess their clients rates by looking at the individual's risk that they will require compensation in the near future. Economics is all about risk evaluation. I am going to make sure to apply for a lot of insurance companies when I begin my career search. Wrote that one on the door.

Do you guys remember frosted toast? Did I mention that while working at Little Caesers? Our awesome roommate Charlie (who happens to be hispanic) brought home these freaking delicious marshmallow cookie treats that his mom sent him with. He'd done some grocery shopping recently and got some really delicious food... Like he went to a legit carneceria in Yakima and got some of the best ham I have ever eaten in my life. Even better than the smoked ham I've had on Christmas time because the moisture in this particular piece was suburb. One I suppose "nice" thing that's come out of the burglary is that Charlie has been over more frequently to keep tabs on his stuff. Understandable. Hopefully he's not keeping super close tabs on his food because I might've also had some of his Mexican brand Saltines.(**Since then I've been grocery shopping, damn munchies!)

I still haven't figured out a way to conveniently post a picture from my phone onto a blog entry I'm writing. I'm sure there is a way, I just haven't really tried.

Jacob and I laid next to eachother and had a really long conversation about better ways to respond to situations one of us feels defensive or uncomfortable about instead of blaming the other person. Granted Jacob does not blame me for things, sometimes even when it's partially my fault.. so I should do the same in return.

I cried today about not having my guitars. Not being able to practice has really been eating away at me. This super sweet, awesome guy named Tucker actually said he'd give me one of his guitars that has been since collecting dust and if he were to do that I would be grateful for the rest of my life. Losing my guitars has been like the kidnapping of two of my best friends. I might not ever see them again or bring them back but I can at least make new friends.

peace.

Breaking up sucks. Independence.

I've had to make some rather difficult decisions the passed couple days.

First of all, I need to find a job. If I can help it I'd like to live in this apartment as long as possible and that's not gonna happen if I don't find work. I'm going to do everything I can to not have to move back in with my parents after I graduate. I need to continue to apply for career opportunities (or start again, haven't done much of anything since late January because I've been preoccupied) but also try to find a part time job in town to make some extra cash. That way I won't have to ask my parents anymore and it'll be my first step toward real independence.

Secondly, in order to face my emotions head on, I had to break up with Travis. I had to stop using him as a crutch whenever I feel stressed or overwhelmed. I will always love him for being there for me and making me realize I can be loved. He found me at a time my life was spiraling out of control and my depression had reached an all time high for 2014. He helped me recover and find strength again, even while I quit marijuana cold turkey which was extremely difficult.

I have to learn to be strong on my own, even while abstaining from alcohol and not smoking completely. It still sucks not being able to smoke but I know it's for the best, especially considering I'm starting my job hunt tomorrow.

Third, I need to start taking better care of myself. Try to go to the gym every weekday that I'm not swamped with homework. I need to start getting a better night sleep which will help my stress a lot because I will not feel tempted to nap during the day. Napping makes me depressed because I feel like I've wasted a chunk of my day that I could be studying or bettering myself at the guitar. I need to make more time for the guitar again. I haven't uploaded any videos of me playing in such a long time and that bothers me because it makes me feel like anyone from an outside perspective would think I gave it up when I've continued to get better. Granted I don't practice nearly as much as I used to but every day that I do practice is a step in the right direction. Every day that I don't drink is also a step in the right direction because even if it's a depressant and makes you feel better temporarily it brings your inhibitions to an all time low and just creates more work for the next day.

I just need to be strong. Focus on what I'm doing here and pursue every opportunity I can. There's no reason that I carry a certain amount of uncertainty and depression at this point when I've made so many strides in the right direction so far this year. I want to make 2015 my most successful year yet.

Suicide Note pt 1 by Pantera. I listened to the Pantera collection at the gym today and it reminded me how much I love them. I've got a new friend named Brian who is going to send me a list of progressive bands he recommends so I'm hoping to expand my damn good metal list soon. 

peace.

Partied like it's 2008

Hello.

It's 10:14 pm and as I sit here writing this I'm being swarmed by fruit flies for who knows what reason. They're probably attracted to the smell of my diet coke or the M&Ms that I'm having for dessert after an awesome tamale dinner that my sister made. Tonight I ate dinner before and after my 3 mile run... lol it's a little progress day in that respect.

I went to a pretty fun party the other day over at Justin's mom's place again. This time it was a pretty different crowd, many of which I hadn't met before. It was a going away party for Lexi who's moving up to Olympia for school soon. She seems like a pretty cool girl-- her girl friends she invited were really pretty; but had all left by the time this picture was taken. The party dragged on really late. I wasn't paying attention to the time and I swear I wasn't in a bed on the floor until 6 am-- crazy!! 

One of Lexi's pretty girl friends was dating a guy named Khai K., a guy I remember being friends with on MySpace and commenting a picture he had posted of Dimebag thinking it was Claudio Sanchez.... As you can imagine it was a roast in response, even stupid bitches that probably couldn't name two songs by Pantera were like "wow ur stupid, its dimebag RIP". Of course I didn't mention the extent that I remembered that interaction on MySpace probably more than 6 years ago.

Today I went into town and delivered a resume to Rue 21 in Kennewick that seemed pretty booked for employees so having Tiffany as a reference wasn't going to help me much. This would have been really discouraging had I not gotten awesome news from Kayla that her boss is considering hiring me if I come to meet him and he likes me. I submitted an application to the Subway she works at earlier and I have a good feeling about it. Tomorrow I am going to meet her manager "Jr" face to face.

Yesterday I was really irritated and depressed when I'd gone to work and asked Brianna if we were getting paid soon and she said that we weren't for another week. I'm almost sure she's wrong.. Like I don't recall getting my check on August 31, but unfortunately because I rarely wrote that month I can't use my blog to recall what I did that day.

I was tempted to call Caesar's today to ask if the checks were there but decided not too. Regardless of being flat out broke cash wise and having no idea how much is in my bank account (it can't be much) I've got enough gas to get me into town tomorrow and to my next shift. I'm hoping Brianna is wrong and I'm stressed out over nothing but if not I'm going to be forced to ask my Dad for money again in the next few days which I'd really like to avoid.

Today I tried again to get a good recording of Aerials but it still sounded muddy. My mom helped me tweak with the amp settings to see which ones sounded best on camera while I was playing and she ended up really liking the "Tweed" sound because it sounds the cleanest-- though seems too twangy sounding for what I'm trying to perform.

I'll show you the attempt I made today that's still not up to my uploading standards as far as sound quality goes. I'm considering trying to dig up the POD out of our shed and try hooking it up to a speaker tomorrow instead of even bothering with the amp anymore because it's clearly not working as well as I want it too:

I have a new crush. I actually thought I might see him today because it was his first day off in awhile but he ended up too exhausted.

peace. 

Just have to fight a little longer!!!

....Okay I really shouldn't be writing. The amount that I've studied for public finance today hasn't been great, only a couple hours. I'm really sleep deprived because I was unable to take a nap today after my money and banking final because I felt all the stuff I had to get done weighing on me (irony!!!).

I've got a recital in five days. I really worked at the master of puppets solo tonight for an hour, distraction free. I closed my eyes and thought about playing it in front of people and reminded myself that I really need to focus on having it memorized like second nature before that happens. This time it's going to be much easier because I've developed better memorization habits... Back when I was learning Invention I basically used the tabs 24-7 and when it came down to the end and I had to use them on stage it was a huge disadvantage. Can't happen again.

I'm gonna be in practice heaven here after the final's over. I still haven't gotten a chance to designate an hour to listen to Jake's audio and the picking video so I'm making that a staple thing I have to get done tomorrow. I should have done so over a week ago but it's not like this weeks been a cakewalk. But yeah I'm super excited and happy about the recital coming up, especially because I'm going to have a new award certificate for my stairs.... ha ha

Alright I really need to get back to studying public finance. My plan is to study until 1:30 am or so. I don't think I've gone to bed before 1 once in the past week. Right now I'm just mainly doing reading and reviewing the material. Tomorrow morning I plan to get up around 6 to get ready and study the practice final online for a couple hours before the exam.

Of course I want to do well, it's Sipic's class (who looks amazing in red by the way, he wore this shirt the other day that.... okay anyway...) and because he's my adviser and it is very important that I don't look like stupid. Ha ha he's just one of these people that's so smart you really can't BS your way out of anything, so when I'm taking a test and I get to an essay question that I don't know some of the details and will have to sort of half bullshit it I'm like Nooooooo .... 

Okay that's enough writing for tonight, back to work.

peace. 

Wellll I slept a lot today and....

Hello, evening everyone. It's about 8:30 pm.

After Money and banking today I came home and took a three and a half hour long nap... Not really what I'd planned for the day, like I dragged my big basket of laundry downstairs and had plans of taking care of that today but that didn't happen. When I woke up from my nap it was about 3:30 and I had to eat something and practice guitar before my lesson with Jacob. 

That went well, I'm excited to be making progress and moving forward with master of puppets. I've successfully accomplished the first 200 measures at around 95% (without palm muting, but because the concert isn't until Christmas I have quite a bit of time to hammer out this imperfection). One reason that skype sucks is because my camera can't usually catch my entire fretboard as well as picking hand so Jake can't critique them simultaneously as well as if we were in person. Also we can't play together because of the camera lag. Still, it was a good lesson. 

We're moving into a finger picked clean acoustic part that is basically a sequence of chords for a solid minute. It's one of my favorite riffs in the song so that's gonna be my project this week. I need to make a new practice sheet.

Tomorrow I have my public finance test which I am feeling so-so about at this point. Today I've only studied an hour, and I should really be getting more done especially when I've got plans to have fun tomorrow night. I saw Abe P. recently in Shaw and gave him a hug, he's always been so nice and cool towards me and I've really wanted a chance to hang out and catch up with him. We're hanging out tomorrow, yay! 

Tomorrow I am also meeting up with one of my classmates to go over this obnoxious article that I have to write a paper on the 15th for Managerial. Blegh the font is so tiny and there's so much jargon it makes me nauseous. I also need to re-read the chapters of my managerial book for my best next Thursday in that class. Not something too urgent now thankfully...

Yesterday I met with Sipic and got my policy analysis subject approved. That's been hanging over my head bad and I want to get it done on Sunday so I can stop thinking about it. Lol Sipic asked me how I liked my classes this quarter and I told him I liked them all but there's definitely a hierarchy of favorites... (yeah somehow I think I just wanted to say "you're" my favorite without actually saying it.... ha ha ha) 

After we made some small talk I stood out to walk out and he got up to open the door and he asked me if I'm going to the career fair thing. I just remember pausing there like a dumbass because he was standing like a foot away from my face..... then of course I have some stupid frantic answer 90 mph like "Well I still haven't figured out who's all gonna be there so you should tell me 'cause I don't know...." (Wtf? God damn it, ha ha ha.... I swear sometimes when I try to talk to him my intelligence and confidence is seriously impaired.) 

Lolll only for my faithful blog readers, here's how I'm looking tonight, insane. 

FLASH CARDS FLASH CARDS CLASH FARDS MOTHA F^%$#AAAAAA.... 

This doesn't leave this blog entry.

peace. 

Hey don't you wanna go down

Morning everyone..

Technically afternoon in 6 minutes. I've already logged an hour of practice time but it was while watching Intervention simultaneously. I realize now that in order to become more effective in my practicing I must cut out other distractions like my shows. Distractions decrease the utility of my time significantly because my brain is only half paying attention to the music... And even if I'm still practicing and looking at the music my mind is still more preoccupied with what's being said on the show.

This is Michael, a rage addict featured on the show Intervention season 1. 

Yesterday I did happen across a pretty interesting episode though. Michael is 22 years old and is classified by his father as a "rageaholic." Michael has had anger issues his entire life, his brother even stated that he'd hit a classmate with a music stand in the 7th grade (after his parents had divorced when he was 12). He's basically beat the Hell out of his family his entire life. His mother was asked to not participate in the documentary at all which makes me think there was some major abuse when he lived with her after the divorce. 

In the interviews his brother describes how he had been beaten unconscious and his father with a 6-foot park bench. 

I had never heard of rageaholism before this episode.. I guess aside from people that I've met in my life that have told me they had "anger problems" that they have overcome in the past. My Dad's always had a bad temper but he's nowhere near a rageaholic. From what I've been told a very close friend of mine used to have a lot of anger problems and used to treat people pretty mean which I can believe..... no offense. 

Finally got a video up of my playing... it's taken months to get the courage to do this but after I was able to work up to 100% speed after thorough practice this last week I made sure to log this accomplishment. It kind of helped me get over the feeling of doubt about my choice for the concert too so that was good. Today I'm going to play master of puppets and the day that never comes while my Mom and sister are in town.

I've got to work today at 6' which pretty much sucks d*&k.... I'm so tired of that effing place, this is technically my fifth shift in a row. At least it's from 6-close, those are usually my easiest shifts. To top it off it's a Wednesday and like yesterday there's not very many big sales going on in the kids department so I'm safe from the crowds of this last labor day weekend nonsense. From what I've heard it won't get that busy again until December. who knows if I'll even still be working there. I could technically put in my two weeks now because I dread the place but I think once I move back up to school it'll be okay. Like knowing I've got that tiny form of income and sort of an obligation to come home and recoup could be nice... or not what I want at all.

I'm getting really excited to move back to Central, that I know for sure. I still don't have a roommate. I still just want to sit around and practice all day before work and not find one... shiiiit. The next two days I have off work so there's no reason I shouldn't do everything I can the next couple days. Besides I've got nothing planned.

I can promise you 
You'll stay as beautiful 
With dark hair 
And soft skin...forever 
Forever 

Make up your mind 
Make up your mind

It's weird not having Katelynn in my life anymore because admittedly I have not really "gone out" and gotten drunk or anything since we've stopped being friends. I don't see myself going to bars anytime soon, especially now that the only person I'm really hanging out with is Zach and he's 20.

Nobody ever claimed those roses.... I don't understand what the point of that was. Here I am trying to get over someone, starting to like another guy when those roses got thrown in the mixture and has made my current state of mind much more isolated emotionally. Zach is really cute and he's a good guy and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him....

It's not fair that Zach and I have so much in common and I do like him but I've still felt unresolved about this Jay situation, especially after I got those flowers and I'd sort of suspected they were from him after I'd eliminated some names off a list. I've eliminated this list to thinking A) they are from him or B) someone that was trying to f*&k with my head and make it look like they were from him (because that's who I'd liked at the time) because they hate me...... lmfao.

I have no reason to not spend time with Zach and see where this goes. Me and Zach actually have way more in common... like we're both kind of nerdy and he appreciates a lot of the same music that I do (He had a period in highschool that he was listening to a lot of metal so he's knowledgeable and appreciates my guitar playing a lot.) He has emotions and I feel like he really listening when I'm talking to him.

But there's still something about Jay that I've always been really attracted too. I just find him interesting, sexy, intelligent, strong, resourceful.... But these are all qualities that I've perceived, which may or may not be the case. My logic is bias for him obviously and is more patient than what my Mom is saying and that's to drop it because we haven't talked in a month. I know that she's right.

 But because the case of the flowers and why Jay completely dropped contact remains unsolved I continue to sort of wonder what the Hell and why. I figure if Jay did want to do something he would have done it by now and changed his mind. 

peace. 

I'm tired of waiting for Kevin Swanson to give a shit hahaha

Hola.

Alright today is Sunday and I've been home practically all weekend. I mean yesterday I must have gone out to go to Fred Meyer for like... I don't know, an hour and then I went to Bradley's house for 20 minutes. Today I spent practically all day studying and practicing my guitar. I got up early enough that I got my playing done by around 2', I think I played approximately 65 minutes.

I started studying pretty early-- like I did my first 20 minute chunk of economics at 10:30 which sort of revved up my brain for the rest of the day. I'm pretty sure I did about 3 solid hours of studying which is all around impressive.

At around 4' I started looking through my phone and noticed the text I'd gotten the other night from an unknown number. I started investigating when I got on facebook and I realized it was Jack. I realize that I had yet again asked him "Who's this?" when he texted me. I always, always delete Jack's number after I get frustrated with him because of the emotional ups and downs with him. He has this tendency to text me out of the blue after not talking for months and act like we're going to spend time together and then... well, not. Or like this last time where he came over and we played guitar together-- sort of, I couldn't improvise what so ever back then but I was really happy to be able to play in front of him.

But yeah when we hung out there was no flirtatiousness between us. This was back in like October. Then around January he started texting me saying we should hang out when I was dating Brendan and at this point I was so fed up with him that I said no. I just felt like he was just going to blow me off again and because I was already dealing with major anxiety and depression that quarter I didn't want to lose this sense of having someone to lean on with Brendan.

The relationship with Brendan of course only lasted what... a week after I returned from winter break? Not long. I'd tried getting ahold of Jack again but by then he had found a different girl that he was interested in. And then Abe started talking to me and I sort of started hanging out with him for awhile.

I don't know, finding someone that fits right with your personality is a huge challenge in life. Jack is someone that has come in and out of my life at random times for six years now (literally, since I was a sophomore in highschool).. and whenever he gets ahold of me now I can't help but just wonder, okay what is your deal now? lol. He apparently finished his last season of lacrosse recently. I'm wondering if he's graduating after this Spring or what. Anyway, we'll see if I get the chance to catch up with him or not, guess it doesn't really matter either way he'll text again in 3 or 4 months guaranteed lmfao

I'm still not even friends with Terry on facebook even if I notice he's on there before class all the time.  He's so wrapped up in what his friends and teammates are doing, drinking, etc.. to seem to want to give any attention to getting to know me at all and it's wearing thin quickly. The only times he seems to get excited about talking to me is when we're talking about his life or I'm helping him get something for economics.

LOL!! I figured it out, Terry's personality is just like Kevin Swanson! He's just too attractive and talented.... completely confident, stubborn as Hell about the validity of his opinions, and seems to be entirely non-conflicted about where he's going in life. Why wouldn't I be attracted to that.

But yeah no word from him all day-- I texted him a couple times throughout the weekend but he barely responded. Terry and I could be done hanging out for awhile. It doesn't matter, we're going to have so many classes together here in the next year I just want to be friends with him and have him respect me. I think I've done a very laid back job attempting to get to know him but if he's not down to actually put in any effort to get to know me why would I bother...?


Alright well it's bed time, this weekend's been slow but I feel recharged for tomorrow.

peace.

Last night at home. Guitarist luke jaeger

Evening everyone.

Well this is my last night at home for my spring break. Today was a pretty great day and I have no complaints about being here. I plan to be here until tomorrow evening after I hang out with a friend of mine. We were originally going to hang out this evening but he had some work to do.

Today started out with a bath. For some reason the hot water heater hasn't been working very well in our  house and I've found I'd rather sit in a half full hot bath than take a 2 minute shower. My hair has felt kind of dry lately, I should probably get a trim when I get back to Ellensburg. That's definately on my to-do list for the next week. That and studying the basics of Statistics before that class via youtube videos. I feel like I've taken a long enough vacation to get some work done now.

Guitar went well. The student that was scheduled to go after me was MIA again so I was able to spend some extra time with Jacob. He showed me one of the guitarists that taught him named Luke Jaeger and showed me a bunch of his youtube videos. I remember Jacob telling me about Night Terror in Seattle and Luke is the main guitarist. He's one of Jacob's top three favorite guitarists that have inspired him to get to the level that he is-- Luke Jaeger, John Petrucci and... someone else. I can't remember the third.

Check out a video of this beast.

What's even more astounding is that he's had jaw dropping ability for nearly all his life. Jacob also showed me a couple videos from his performances in a 7th grade talent show. It's so hilarious when the  camera pans  around the room to see the kid's faces as chunky kid throws down this incredible work.

As you can see in this video he's not chunky anymore. Actually he's more ripped than you can see in this video. He does a couple videos shirtless. He's clearly very driven on self perfection. I sort of wonder if part of what inspired him to be like this is that he got picked on.... or not, or maybe he had all the confidence in the world from day one.

Anyway I wonder if I know Jacob long enough if I will ever come into contact with this person. He seems like an interesting character and he's incredibly talented, it'd be cool to see what his story was growing up.

Invention No. 8 in F major is going well. I really want to step up my practice to a couple hours a day when I move back to Ellensburg. Maybe I'll even go out on a limb and try to do three hours like when I first started. Playing three hours now is much harder than it seemed back then when this was all new to me. I'm a much better player now so you think this would be more enjoyable...

I can feel my hands pulsating when I close my fists. I'm going to bed.

peace.

Didn't want to just go to bed

This blog is going to be short. It's 1 am. The fact that I've only practiced my guitar for an hour today and it's a Saturday is a little bit tragic, but I had a good day today.

I've felt a little icky looking the past couple days. I'm going to go to the salon and get a bang trim tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to find one open early on a Sunday. Tomorrow I also have a quick English assignment to do. Maybe start looking at economics chapter 11. That's my last chapter and there will be a last test on Thursday. I've done very well in that class. I don't think I'm going to show up on Friday just so see how I did on the test and make sure I passed the class. I know I passed. My last finite test will also be on Thursday, which will be about the statistics stuff that I told you about yesterday. 

English... I have to write that research paper on exotic animal ownership. The english assignment that I'm doing tomorrow requires using the sources (that I already found in the quick lab day, mind you. There was a "seminar" by some librarians that actually proved to be very helpful. I was able to find some articles on Ebscohost that I'm going to read and use in my research paper. I asked my professor for clarity on everything. She just nodded her head, like yes, yes, that's all fine. It was kind of funny. 

I will also get this started tomorrow if I'm not already seeing Abe. Oh wait.. I already did start it! I've been working very hard this past three weeks. I haven't had much... I guess distraction. But I have had a sense of longing. I like Abe, and I've had to wait for him for 3 weeks now. Originally we made plans on Thursday. Reina wanted to have lunch with me on Thursday. 

Well, I thought to myself, going to lunch with Reina would be a better option because she's my friend and she's only going to be here for a little while longer. Even if I really badly wanted to see Abe, I held off. He said "tomorrow". I.e. Friday, yesterday. He told me he was getting off of work at 6. I was busy enough on Friday. I did get some practicing done, gave a guitar lesson to Hassan, etc.. But I didn't get a chance to see Abe like I'd anticipated. He texted me saying he had a bloody nose. That he got hit in the face or something and it was going to take him awhile to get out the door. I didn't hear from him for an hour and a half or so. By about 8:30 I was like okay, what's going on here... I need to get ready. 

This girl named Emily invited to go to with her to a party. Well, she actually needed a ride to this party. No problem, I never know where these things are at so I wasn't too worried about it. I picked Emily up after getting Allie and we drove to this party. Emily had convinced us that instead of going to the barbeque we should go this place because there are going to be "way more people" and "way cooler." I didn't really care either way. I liked the idea of the party in town because it used less gas. I pushed the idea on Allie a bit for said reason and she said she was cool with doing whatever. We went to this party and it was packed full of people. 

I mean packed wall to wall. I have no idea who any of them were. I don't think Emily knew either but I guess that's just how these shindigs are. People get dolled up and get drunk with college kids in these houses that are pretty much used exclusively for partying. Blegh, what a life. 

Neither Allie or I were feeling it. I was feeling depressed because I wanted to see Abe that evening. I took this picture because I had told Allie earlier that I was talking my camera. She told me that I'm not allowed to tag her in photos because she could get in trouble. Fair enough. I just laugh because nothing about this picture would make her look like she's doing anything too devious. We were totally sober in that picture. I just wanted to get out of there. 

Right now, I'm quite frustrated because I haven't seen Abe and he might be out partying tonight, who knows. It's 1 in the morning on a... technically Sunday now. Ugh, my makeup feels gross with this much eye product on. I put on my makeup and this is one of those icky nights where I have to take it all off because nothing happened. I thought for sure after this hospital nonsense Abe would want to see me but apparently he's doing his own thing. Goodnight. 

peace. 

Teaching, and more on Prozac

Evening everyone. 

Today's been a pretty good day for a number of reasons. It's always a good day when my work pays off. Last week I managed to break up my studying into multiple days and it really paid off when I took my midterm today. I think I did pretty well, out of the 50 questions there was only a few that I was pretty unsure about. I even corrected a couple dumb mistakes so that was good.

I usually don't review my answers after I take a test. The reason being is that I know that if I do so I'll end up second guessing myself and more likely than not changes a good answer into a bad one. Therefore it's wiser for me to not look over the test. I didn't expect the econ test to be this morning because I'd wrote Wednesday on my calendar. I luckily did study this weekend so I think it paid off.

Also, I got a 9.5/10 on my finite test. I'm really stoked about that because that means I'm actually getting this material. The probability stuff can be so difficult to wrap your head around for some reason. I'm still managing to keep up considerably well in a class I thought would be a nightmare for me. I'm not looking forward to Statistics at all. I want to take a guitar class but there doesn't appear to be much offered. It's a shame they cut the guitar program a couple years ago.

I didn't make many changes to my synthesis that I printed out tonight. I thought the paper was really good to begin with. I'm not looking forward to getting my critique back tomorrow, yet I'm not worried about it. English 102 is a prerequisite to Technical writing, which I'm going to try to get into tomorrow. I'm going to go apply for my major tomorrow. 

I had my second lesson with Hassan this evening! It was so exciting to see his improvement over the last week. He practiced every single day this last week for at least 40 minutes. I feel like practice schedules really are the key to success.

I got my finite math homework done and even made a video that I had been thinking about making for awhile. 

This is a video I made about prozac. I was meaning to do an updated video about anti-depressants because I had previously made one about Wellbutrin... which turned out to be pretty awful. 

peace.

Happy Chrimbus Eve!

I hope everyone is of course having an excellent Christmas eve, it is 12:44 PM. Mom's planning on making ham for dinner tonight, we have a pretty massive amount of gifts under the tree, I have all day to practice... All is right in my world.

I even have my sister's chair today because she's going to be with Jimmy over in... I can't remember. Some town far away hanging out with his family. I woke up in a nasty mood again and started yelling about stupid things. I can't even remember what it was I was yelling about, I've honestly been a snit in the morning lately. Oh, I was trying to pack up most of my computer software and my POD. That's kind of a delicate job. Honestly I shouldn't have brought any of that stuff here, haven't used it! 

Mizu last night was interesting. The weather was extremely bad driving to Pasco. Lots and lots of hard rain, which luckily didn't freeze but it felt as though it was on the verge to. I picked up Hannah at about 5:45, right on time. We talked all about the current affairs in Korea. Hannah knows all about how Chinese are using North Korea as a tourist destination. She was shocked at how interested I was in East Asian politics, and she had just taken a class in it the previous quarter so we had plenty to talk about.

I mean we talked about college and stuff too. She's going to a school in... I want to say Massachusetts, where it's extremely cold and snowy all the time. She was actually optimistic about it because she said it snows a lot in Seoul too and it's just as cold. Washington is significantly warmer, thank God. I really like the weather here. Maybe everyone likes the weather from where they come from. 

I kind of miss playing the Sims. Technically I could set up my computer again to play it but I need to get some practice done so that's priority number 1. My goal is to get 120 minutes in today, between the scales and my temporary renewed Songster membership it shouldn't be too hard. 

Last year I went to the Johanson Christmas eve party and saw a ton of people that I hadn't seen in a year. I didn't get invited this year, maybe they're just keeping it more of a family thing. Last year it was really fun, though. We took a ton of pictures that night... I remember looking a lot pastier and feeling more insecure back then. 

I feel like my looks and my self esteem have significantly improved since last December, 2012 has been good to me. There's a picture from that night. I'm wearing the gray tanktop in the corner. Most of the pictures I ended up in were candid and I looked horrible, haha. 

Late December was just about when I started picking up the guitar again. It's about my 1 year anniversary with the guitar. Had it not been for Brendan January would be my 2 year anniversary of not being with anyone, but I honestly don't consider myself "single" right now even if my facebook says otherwise. Me and Brendan are pretty close... like it's gotten passed the point where I would feel right spending time alone with another guy that I might have potential interest in without feeling like I'm doing something wrong.

I feel like actual interest in someone should feel that way. Brendan is an incredibly intelligent human being, he's mature and sets high standards in his quality of life like I do. We can talk for hours, he listens to what I say. He's tall, pretty good looking. I think this has pretty good potential... I can't ever say anything in the long run because you just never know how life changes but for now I look forward to spending time with him. 

peace. 

Day of silence.

I haven't talked to anyone verbally all day. It feels weird, tomorrow morning I plan to make a youtube video of some kind. Maybe even go on Stickam.

I've gotten a little done here and there. Today was more of a relaxing day for me because I woke up with cramps and the pain left me bedbound until about 12:00 PM. Sometimes that's just the best thing to do with cramps. Get up, take a nice hot shower and a painkiller of some sort, then go back to bed until it kicks in and you feel better.

I talked to Katelynn, she's been having weird dreams like I have. We've both been having dreams that have some weird sexual undertone at some point, though she described that in her dreams she is terrified. I can't say I'm terrified in my dreams, they more have an eerie nostalgic feel. Like I'll dream I'll see someone when we were younger or my dream will take place in some classroom or playground from the past. I hardly ever have scary dreams, when I do it's usually because something is seriously amiss in my life or I am ill.

I've been too focused on other things to take the time to write down the full meaning of my recent dreams. In order to do so I typically have to write down what I dreamt the second I wake up.

The roommate is still out of the house. Today I was unable to get too much work done because I got distracted by the Sims for a couple hours and didn't feel particularly inspired to play guitar. I did create a new practice sheet, new monthly log, and new weekly goal sheet for doing well on the finals. Turns out my legal final is actually on the 6th, which is a Thursday. I'm plan to just work on the old tests every day, maybe I'll read over a couple of the legal chapters tomorrow. Maybe I should add reading to that to-do list because I've really been slacking on that.

Darn it, I wanted to do this December photo-a-day but I already messed it up by not taking a picture at 8:00. Maybe I'll start it tomorrow. I suck at these things.

Yeah not much to say today people.

peace.

Leaving dinner feeling like you ate an appetizer.

Today's been a pretty productive day, studied accounting for over an hour and reviewed the second chapter. I figure if I do this almost every day between now and when I leave I'll have covered the whole book and I'll actually be ahead for when I start 252. My Dad says I need to relax because it's summer but by the looks of my walls I've been relaxing all summer.

Still haven't checked my balance and don't want too, I know I've probably already gone over my spending limit. I'm due to pay Katelynn again August 9th, I'm going to pay her another $50.

Darn it, gonna bite my tounge and check it.

OMFG I overdrew my account!!

Wow. Turns out Rite Aid didn't pay be and I overdrew my account by $45. I just flipped out and my Mom came in and we called Rite aid to see what's up. Linda's going to look on the computer and see if she can figure out of if there was a screw up in the system. Hell yeah there was a screwup, nothing happened in my account on payday or any of the following days. Once I get that money into my account I'm going to but the $80 BACK into my savings and just live off the roughly $200 until my next payday on the 16th. Hopefully I can save a good $100.

I swear if I get a good guitar lesson gig I'll be able to make more money than the $291 I'm getting from Rite Aid every 2 weeks. I figure I'll charge $20 for each half hour lesson. I haven't decided if that's too expensive or not but I'm certainly going to put more effort into my lessons than Neilson did when HE was charging $20 a lesson as well. He's pretty much disappeared off that face of the earth.

Today I learned all the locations of the note F. This is a pretty big accomplishment even if it's one of about 18. This is the first whack I've taken at learning the notes on the guitar but I intend to get a good grasp on them before I leave the tri cities. Jacob will be helpful I'm sure, even if his regime on learning these notes is a little crazy. The way I look at it, the best way for me to do this is to learn one note a day on each day that I learn a new one, I will review the previous day's note. So tomorrow I'll do G#... the next day G, review G# and F, etc. 

Dave Murray, lead guitar of Iron Maiden. I've learned a couple iron maiden songs.

I want to learn Children of the Damned, it has a beautiful opening verse but would be very challenging for me. 

I watched a documentary about Iron Maiden last night. For rockstars they really did have the best road in their career because of their true originality for their time. They were one of the originators of this heavy metal feel that stands for something. Stands for a lifestyle. We're not satanists by any means, but those of us that listen to this music have some sort of inner struggle that is alleviated by this music. The band had no religious connection to their music. "Eddie," their character that is being possessed by the Devil, is their main focal point in their music, sort of his stories I suppose.. But again, it's not meant to turn kids into satanists, it's all just for fun. Their music showcases the guitar like few other bands I've listened to so I absolutely love Iron Maiden. 

No word from Jason today. More than likely he wants me to text him first but I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. Not because I'm not interested, but because I have really nothing to say. Nothing I've been up to today has been interesting for anyone to hear about, so why am I writing?

I guess just boredom. Giving myself a break from my instrument, waiting for my boss to call me back, wondering what I'm going to do tomorrow. Probably the same thing. Study and play guitar, why the Hell not, it's too hot to drive or go anywhere. Maybe I'll hang out with Katelynn, it is Tuesday after all. I feel bad, she's always having to drive out here... I'll have to be the one that drives tomorrow. Maybe we could meet up with Chris Simmons or something. I do want to hear about his time over in Japan, but he's been trying to arrange the Japanese club kids to get together and I just saw them three days ago.

I don't know, maybe we haven't been apart long enough, but I really had nothing to say... Well I did, but nobody seemed interested in hearing what I'd been doing. I asked each one of them what they'd been up too this summer and none of them returned the favor. Nathaniel did ask me about Central though, by then I felt a little anxious to say anything. I couldn't think of anything else to say so I just sat at my seat at Mizu, wondering what I should pick up off the conveyor belt and adding prices in my head. 

I got a half salmon roll, two $1.50 maki plates and a little salad made from cucumbers and an overpowering tasting marinade. I also bought a dessert ice cram dango thing. All together it was around $11. I left feeling very unsatisfied, however, and was happy to dig into snacks that my parents had brought home from grocery shopping that evening. 

Maybe it's more of an appetizer place than a dinner place. Taylor was suggesting that we all go to Sheri's after the meal at Mizu. Ah ha! He admits he wasn't that satisfied as well and didn't want to spend $30 on the meal, what a shocker. I can't say I'll be going to Mizu again, I thought it was a big rip off. I was complaining to Jason via text which he didn't seem to care much about (my ranting about prices, how fun to listen too!) and I then got him to respond by sending him a picture of ice cream dango. :o)

There we go. おいしいそうです。

And it was. 

I loved the design, it was very flattering for the eye, as most things from Japan are, but I didn't know what to expect from the taste. Alas! It was chewy and delicious, filled with vanilla ice cream. Taylor said I was acting weird and anti social. I guess I just felt a little awkward. I did see Stephanie S. and asked how Zeus is doing. 

I don't know how she feels about me, she could really dislike me for all I know and be putting on a front because I was always sort of a flaky friend toward her. She sort of was to be too though, and I think she got a little frustrated with how strange I was about guys and how I had zero game, so we drifted away from eachother. She appears to be doing well though, she looked pretty and we had a friendly chat. Can't worry about what people think of me anyway.

I'm going to get offline, gonna play with guitar pro for awhile. I'd really just like to learn something easy and out of the ordinary but I can't think of anything. Guess I'll just get Fear of the Dark solid enough to upload a video playing tomorrow. Jacob wants me to talk about how long I've been playing into greater depth as well as gave me permission and *encouraged* to mention him as well. Gladly, I really wouldn't have been able to do this without him and give him full credit for what I've learned so far. I've followed what he's told me to do.  Any way I can help him and his business out! I'd be so sad if he lost his place because of flaky students or something. He seems to be booked almost completely but he's also sort of intimidating and I could see how students would quit if they didn't practice.

No word from Eli today but I did get my math class finalized. I'm in Montgomery's 8:00 class. Maybe I won't study much math, accounting is my main focus right now and I'm just going to have to have a fresh start in precalc. I think I'll be okay, I click so well with Asians I could find a tutor in no time, haha! 

peace. 

Consistency with John Petrucci and my shotgun friendship.

C17

The reason why John Petrucci is the greatest guitar player is not because he's got the most complex note patterns necessarily, even if some of his riffs are incredible and WAY out of my reach right now. It's actually because of his lack of patterns in the way that he mutes. The guitar comes in and out, leading and muting with other elements like the bass, other guitar parts, sometimes a random piano, etc, etc... He's the master of alternate picking  and everything that he plays comes together so fluently because of it.

I've been wanting to play Dream Theater music for months but it's taken a ton of work. One of the first songs I ever tried to play by them was Under a Glass Moon but it was so difficult after the first... I don't know, 40 seconds of it, I just "retired" it until I could learn more from my teacher.

Dream Theater is a relatively new band (there first album was released in 1992). I'm sure they'll continue to release albums far after my progressive metal phase. How long will this go until I burn out? I don't know. 

I've practiced a pretty good deal this week, I'm pretty sure I got 20 hours so I'm giving my hands a rest today. I'm sad because I'm missing lessons tomorrow because I've got orientation for Central tonight. Blah I get nervous that I'm not gonna find my way around. When I was there last time my Junior year of highschool I literally followed Heather around the whole time. 

Maybe my sense of direction has gotten better since then. I'm sure it has... I know my confidence has improved since then so that's a major plus. Finding music has really given me my center.

___________________________________________

I had... a very interesting situation with Trisha and Dylan at their house recently. I don't know if I want to go into all the great details now but because I'm waiting for my Mom to come home from a meeting I can tell you all I can. 

Tensions were high walking into Trisha and Dylan's house from the get go. They'd invited me there for a third time after this facebook situation where Trisha was mad and thought I was "calling her out." 

I never mentioned Trisha on any of my statuses, however I did post one after she acted accusatory about stealing her Alice doll. I was like, "Like this if you think I would never steal from you. Comment if I've been to your house." and it got like 40 + hits. I guess I posted it so she'd see how many people do trust me and that I wouldn't steal her doll. Needless to say, plan backfired, and she ended up posting a comment saying that she never accused me of stealing anything. The whole thing was really weird. 

I sat down in the living room as we were waiting for this guy to come over and fix the dishwasher. A skinny, red skinned, high cheekboned man walked in past me and I jokingly asked if I could help him with anything and he said "No." I'm cracked up and said I couldn't help anyway. I was trying to make light of things as Trisha was frantically running around tidying up for her probably drug addicted neighbor. 

Okay, maybe not. He could just be a random blue collar guy, but all I'm saying is he does not look like someone that would care if their neighbors made a tiny bit of noise after 9:00. Their neighbor's yard is pretty shabby, indicating a more relaxed atmosphere than the one I dealt with at Trisha and Dylan's.

While he was working I was sitting there messing with my guitar in the hot living room, trying to get my hours in because there really wasn't much else to do at this point. We had the plan of watching movies that night so me and Trisha were making plans to go to Hastings together. 

One of the first conversations I struck up turned into Dylan bashing me. I was cracking up a bit after I took out my phone to go on facebook and saw some responses to my "Kirsten Stewart is a whore" post. Dylan started saying, "WHO really cares about celebrity gossip? I mean seriously get a life.." and then Trisha started saying how lame it is that ANYONE would care about that sort of thing too, of course always backed by ". . . But that's just my opinion! Don't take it offensively or anything, gosh!!" 

I just responded, "Alright." 


Around 6:00 PM, we took my car over to Hastings where we were strolling around the aisles trying to look for movies. I told her I'm not a big movie watcher and I didn't really know what to suggest. Trisha wanted to find something that Dylan would like, yet was pressuring me to pick something. All I could do was pull out the movies that I'd seen and gone, "OH! -insert title-! That's a good one!" which she would ignore completely. She asked me, "Well what genre do you like?"

I seriously only watch documentaries at home, guys. I felt lame saying that so I said, "Comedies I guess.."

"WELL do you want Intelligent comedy or Stupid comedy?! You know there's a difference!" I'm standing here sort of stun silent like, "Uh. Intelligent, I guess..."

So she starts picking up things and came across 50/50 and how it was the greatest movie. I LOVE Joseph Gordon Levitt, which I mentioned when we saw batman. 50/50 is a movie where Joseph Gordon Levitt has cancer... I didn't really want to see that. It made me sad to watch him sort of disintegrate in the movie. But it was still a good movie, regardless. A better choice then what I chose-- "Some Days are better than others," This stupid movie with the lady from Portlandia being very hipsterish.

Trisha and I also went to Albertsons after Hastings, and because I've been on a tight budget I bought myself a couple $1.00 lunchables and some popcorn by Orvile Reddenbocker for the movie. I didn't think of the fact I'd been eating junk all day because I didn't eat breakfast and worked all day. 

When Trisha and I are alone together our conversations got a little better, I mean they were pretty general because at this point I was already feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I was thinking, "Why would they so graciously invite me over here if they were mad at me?" I brushed her gestures under the rug, even if at times they were insulting to me.

It's hard to believe I'm talking about the same people that I'd met a few days earlier that I thought were so cool. I thought their house was cool, Trisha's job, her and Dylan's mature living style.. But as I got to know them I just realized they're very dowdy and structured in the way they do things. It's certainly not as "chill" of an environment as I thought it was.

When we got back from bringing movies the guy was still in the dining room working on the dishwasher. Dylan was cranking Queens of a Stoneage and I was sitting next to his friend. I proposed we put one of the movies in and Dylan said, "No, we're playing music for him.." as in their next door neighbor. Again, over thinking everything. Trisha is in there making awkward small talk, and I overheard her say, "If you EVER want us to turn the music down just let us know, I know you can probably hear Dylan in the basement on the guitar.." and he responded, "I've never heard guitar from your house." 

That sort of cracked me up. Trisha must have mentioned it three times throughout the night, "I can't believe he never heard Dylan playing once..." When I've been over at their house there's been a bit of guitar playing, but at the time I had a real struggle improvising anything (I still do) so we didn't really play together. I did, however, have the guitar with me quite a bit because I thought Dylan would understand my addiction to it. 

1980's prom music.. I imagine some of the stuff I hear at Rite Aid would be on that playlist.

Dylan had his guitar with him a bit, he showed me a lot of his nice equipment and some of the nice reverbing techniques you could do with it. He often criticized my music taste, as did his friend Eric that we had hung out with a day couple days earlier. I cracked up about this that evening though when Dylan had told me he likes to play his own music inspired by 80's proms. 

Trisha would snap at me for every little thing I did or touched. I mean I can understand their problem with my noise levels, that's rational. But there were irrational things too. 

I walked into the bathroom to wash my makeup off. I figured I'd be spending the night there that night as I had other nights. I walked in and reached around the side of the shower to open the curtain. Trisha walks in "OH! Don't open the curtain from that side! The wall isn't sealed properly there!"
Okay Trisha, sorry. 
I got a squirt of facewash that I had used previously. Trisha snapped, "Go easy on the facewash." I imagine my eyes grew very wide here. 

We went to go get some cash at the bank and when I pulled on Dylan's car handle it was locked. "The door is ALWAYS locked here. Don't pull on it! You could break it!"
Oh, okay, thanks for letting me know.
We sat in the car and turned on the music. I mentioned that I'd liked something and Dylan changes it immediately to some very bizarre jazz music. Trisha was in the passenger seat like, jamming out to it. I was like, allllrighty then. At this point just biting my tongue with a new purpose in mind. 

As pissed off as she seemed with me she never really had a reason to be, so she kept looking for one. That's what I think it was. She acted so envious and transparent throughout the day, and the more I put up with it and tried brushing it aside the harder it became to keep my cover. 

At around 9:00 after we'd watched the movie Trisha started pacing back and forth in front of me and suddenly blurted out, "Are you like MAD at me or something?" My eyes got a little wide. I'm like, "No, why?" She responded nervously, "Because you seem mad!"

"Why would you say that?" Okay, I'm sure I did seem pretty mad. I was mad, they were pissing me off when they were arguing with every tiny point that I made. After awhile I was just wondering why they had invited me over and what their intentions were, why did they want to hang out with me again if they were pissed off at me in the first place? 

OH! And on top of that, they'd invited me to go with them to Some Bagels and the antique stores the next day. This was a little earlier in the evening but it was still late enough that I thought for sure Trisha would have cracked, but instead she invites me to continue to spend time with them. It was all very bizarre, I didn't get it. I couldn't think of any reason that I would want to spend time with these people again at this point, and even if I did antiques has always been my Dad's thing. I'm not enticed by them because they've been around my whole life. 

I think my real breaking point was that night when it was about 100 degrees in the living room. I mean it was hot. I'd asked to sleep there after I'd taken some Dramamine just to knock out until morning. There was nothing I could do right in that house, and I didn't want to drive with the drunk drivers coming back from the boat races and partying. I just wanted to sleep but that living room was so stanking hot I couldn't take it. I quietly stepped to Trisha's room to see if it was any cooler in their, it had been the last night I'd slept there.

She came charging up the stairs and rushes in, "What were you doing in my room?" And I responded, "It's really hot out here and I wanted to see if it was any cooler in there.." She starts throwing loads of laundry out into the hallway as well as a bunch of other things. I'm like, "That's it, I gotta get out of here."

"What? Oh Emily, No!" Like in such shock that I of all people would want to suddenly leave this lovely engagement. I remember laughing. Laughing, shaking, and throwing all my stuff together, including my guitar into it's case. "You guys are f*cking crazy. I can't take this anymore. I tried to be you guy's friends but that was simply unbearable." 

Dylan had came up the stairs in about a minute, and he was like rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, offering to help me with my stuff. Trisha was doing this too."NO. I do not want your help, Trisha." I had left that nasty popcorn bag out on the table and she's like, "Do you want this popcorn?" I said, "No, I don't." 

Of course Trisha was going, "Shh!" throughout this and I mocked back, "SHH! Shh, Trisha! You criticize every little f*cking thing I do in this house! I mean I can understand the noise thing but the door handle? What the Hell?!"

"If I'm not careful I could never go to college!" Ha ha, okay on a side note, if you're going to live together as a couple playing house you're not necessarily doing the most proactive living situation to afford college. I just rolled my eyes, "Oh God, Trisha, do you think your neighbors care that much? That guy earlier looked like a meth head, you guys are way over the top."

"Don't you make assumptions like this!"

By now I had stormed out. I rushed my stuff into my car, I didn't care if I'd forgotten anything. I'm sure I did, maybe one of my sister's cups. Who knows. She stood there in the doorway staring out as I drove off. I couldn't get out of there fast enough, the dramamine was kicking in and when that stuff hits you fall asleep like a rock. The clock was ticking, I had 15 minutes to get home. 

I cranked Symphony X and flew down the highway that night. I couldn't let that dramamine kick in on the highway, and it did start to as I went through Benton City. Luckily I got home just in time, I explained the situation briefly to my parents, and went to bed. My Dad got paranoid that night because I hadn't checked in. He thought I'd been at Katelynn's house and when he'd heard that the people I was spending time with were acting a little crazy, he acted sort of freaked out. 


I just couldn't do it anymore. I ended up making friends with their friend Connor though, which was a plus. :o) Sometimes you just don't know who you're going to meet in these situations. I thought Connor was cool from the get go, so maybe that's why I decided to give them a second chance. The second chance with Dylan and Trisha though was a fail, their character is like oil and water to mine. 

peace. 

"So you're a female shredder?"

Last summer I was really concerned that Guy Stevens was the reason that I got sick and couldn't eat anything or sleep. I thought it was because I was nervous around him and the anxiety caused appetite suppression

This year the same thing has been happening, and there's been a 180 degree turnaround of the amount of stress in my life since last summer. I can't eat very well nor can I sleep quite right, even in my own bed. I've been making myself sleep with motion sickness relief pills occasionally (just one, don't panic) just to keep my sleeping routine in tact. I'll try to go to bed at a decent time but the heat will keep me up and then it'll end up being 1 or 2 AM before I actually sleep. The heat actually struck late this year, here it is late July and we're just barely getting that uncomfortable heat outside.


Me and Trisha were sitting outside last night while she was smoking a cigarette and I actually got cold with a slight breeze after being in their very warm house. I haven't liked the temperature changes this summer because I've either been really cold or hot. The only place I can seem to get temperature control is at home. Katelynn's house is pretty close to perfect, too, temperature wise but when I wear skimpy clothes to beat the summer heat I have to sit with a blanket. It's all silly. Maybe next summer I'll venture north to get away from this heat.

I've been hanging out over at Trisha's and Dylan's house a lot, for a number of reasons. First of all, me and Trisha were immediately really good friends. Our personalities contrast in a perfect way so that we get along. She's much more of a Type B personality than I am. She's so graceful and good at things that I suck at like cooking and cleaning so I feel like I can learn a lot from her. She's nice, very cool, she never annoys me and she has a good sense of humor.

______________________________________________________

Dylan and I sometimes butt heads. Not about anything in particular but he does rip on my music taste at least once or twice each time we're together. I don't rip on his but I think it pisses him off that I'm a shred guitarist and don't do much else yet. I've only been playing for... what this is week 15 or something? I want to expand to other music as I get better but this takes time. They've both been playing for years.

I did however notice Dylan trying to play some thrashy sounding stuff when we were sitting in the basement. I'll sit at there house while I'm hanging out with them and play like I do at home just to get my hours in. I won't play with the volume or anything because I know they don't like the music that I like.

Last night, however, this poking fun of my playing got to the point that I actually cried. We were sitting upstairs; me, Trisha, Dylan and Dylan's friend.. crap I can't remember his name, ERIC! Their shaggy haired blonde friend Connor usually showed up out of the blue from time to time, too, but Dylan and Eric are very close.

I liked Eric alright at first, he's got a pretty good sense of humor and he's intelligent. However, anytime I'd say anything around him he'd always either talk over me or rip on me, so I'd sort of stop talking after awhile. He's clever, he could take something I was describing that I was passionate about and totally turn it on me and make it seem like the lamest thing in the world. 

He really pushed my buttons at around 1 am. We'd been partying a bit and I was really exhausted, we were sitting upstairs watching this political humor show... not Colbert Report but the other one. I don't know, I could care less about most politics in this country and don't recognize any of the "guests" on these shows, nor do I watch the news. I was doing my last hour of guitar, all palm muted of course so nobody would get annoyed by it. 

I like the music that I do because I don't relate to music about love. Somehow my brain relates more to music about pain, war, Hell and destruction. Even if my life hasn't been that bad I've been through so much war with my own depression, pain and injustice with the people that this music just suits me better. So of course if I'm going to learn how to play guitar I'm going to learn songs that I like. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. In fact I hate playing in front of people and still consider myself a NOVICE player even if some that have heard me have been impressed with my speed. 

Eric picked up my practice sheet and started reading the titles out loud. "Wow, look at this. Alternate picking pattern 1... alternate picking pattern 2... chromatic scales.. Am I reading this handwriting right? Fear of the Dark, OHH that sounds scary.." I simply told him it was by Iron Maiden. 

He goes on to tell me, "Look, it's cool that you're a female shredder, there's none on the "scene" right now... but I absolutely can't stand this music and I'll just be over here doing MY *insert some band here, I don't even know*." He went off on a five minute tangent from here ripping on what I do and started making fun of how serious I was about it and in this process I'm like "Stop...... stop... Please stop." 

I told him that I didn't want to be on any sort of "scene." I didn't want to be in a band or anything, I just want to play. He told me, "OHH you're just playing so that you can upload a video on youtube or something and have a bunch of metalheads get blown away that you can play their favorite song. Favorite. Favorite. Favorite." I had no prior indication that I had a youtube channel but he did hit the nail on the head with that one, yet made it sound so lame that I felt like I was being vain and ridiculous for even wanting to do so. 

By now he had taken my practice sheet and started writing things on it. I don't know what he wrote because I finally just started crying and said, "It's like my therapy, don't do that!" He crossed the line.

It would have been 10x worse if he would of had the nerve to write on my actual practice sheet. I would have probably ripped it away from him and left. It's a major depression curbing tool that I use that is sacred to me. I was really offended and humiliated that he would take something that I thought was so cool and personal to me, and turned it into something that made me feel like I was being lame in my methods to other guitarists.

I'm going to get going, I slept in until 1 today because nobody's been home and I've just been chilling out. I don't want to see anybody, really. 

peace.