Last night run turned nightmare.

Evening.

Today's September 1st, the Monday of labor day weekend. Every year of school I recall this being the 3 day weekend to follow the first week of school or the last day of summer.. In both cases it was usually kind of a melancholy feeling knowing I was about to enter another arduous year of having to spend 8 hours a day at Ki-Be surrounded mostly by people I never felt comfortable around.

Luckily now that I'm in college I look forward to Fall, it's my favorite season. This fall is going to be unlike any other in the past 18 years of my life because I'm not going to be going to school full time but instead working and keeping my brain active by taking an online accounting class. The fact that it's not going to be frying hot out anymore is more than welcome, especially now that I'm not going to take any more night runs.

Okay what you're looking at is actually a picture of a picture on my phone of my leg after an accident while out running last night.
 ...because I am too lazy to log-out of this account to log into my gmail.. stupid Google accounts. 

This is what happened:

I was up by Maeleena's house and there was a creepy car parked idling on my side of the street. I didn't want to run passed either side of the car on the sidewalk and decided to just run on the other side of the street. On the other side there is no sidewalk and not wanting to ride on the side of the road I decided to run on the land by the curb, assuming it was part of someone's yard.

I'm sure it was because my leg suddenly dropped into a 2 foot deep hole full of goathead plants. Shocked, I quickly pulled my leg out of the hole, feeling my other knee dragging against the ground. I got up and looked down and not only saw my leg bleeding but also some little bundles of bristles stuck to my shoes and other knee.

How this looks now, after cleaning and adding Neosporin to reduce the pain this morning. 

You can clearly see how my other knee was used to pull myself out of the hole because it also shows having been irritated by the poison in the thorns of the goatheads. 

For those of you that aren't from the desert, these are what these nasty little bastards look like. They grow in green weeds that grow in bunches on the ground and require very little water to thrive. So just imagine a 2 foot hole full of these plants and that's what I fell in last night. It was not a pleasant experience. 

My mom said it was bound to happen because running in the dark I'm just asking for problems. I know she's right but all August I was doing it anyway because it would always be too hot and muggy during the day-- that and it was always the last thing I wanted to do before bed to avoid late night calories. Unfortunately the exercising itself caused me to be so hungry when I arrived home that I'd normally eat too much anyway! 

This fall I'm going to really work on having a healthier lifestyle and getting in better shape instead of just trying to maintain my current shape. Jared and I got together the other night and he actually managed to make me feel like shit about my body because he's obviously into girls that are obsessed with their physique. Like he always "likes" female bodybuilding models on facebook and never even compliments my looks or body. That and he's so obsessed with his own physique and fitness that he makes me feel lazy or that I'm not doing enough even if I run 3 miles a day 5 days a week. 

I wish I could afford a damn gym membership but I can't right now so I'm just doing what I can. But seeing him reminded me that I should be doing more. The more he talked about working out and showing me pictures of girls with perfect bodies (like not just perfect washboard abs and muscles but ALSO big butt and/or boobs... like how do you know those aren't just implants?) the more insecure I felt and wondered if he was even attracted to me at all or if I'm secondary in his eyes to these girls? 

Another thing that bothered me is that he acted like I was somehow hindering on his time. Like he made it very clear to me numerous times that I had to leave early in the morning because he had to buy military gear and that was the main reason he was here. Not that he was happy to see me after 2 weeks of zero communication, but more that he was doing me a favor by seeing me. 

Yeah if that's the case don't do me any f*cking favors, lol. I realize if I continue to pursue this it will only lead to pain and disappointment because he doesn't seem to care about me at all. In fact after the vibe I got during our last visit I almost doubt we'll even talk again. As a little experiment to see if I'm right and he'd welcome the chance to no longer talk to me I will not text him from this day forward unless he sends me a text or Snapchat first. If he does my perception might have been distorted by my own insecurities during this last visit. 

I just don't know or really care right now, whatever happens happens. I've gotten to know myself well enough to not let some guy's standards modify who I think I should be.

peace. 

Damn holiday pounds..

Hello, guess who's glad to be back home for a few days?

It took me longer than my parents expected but what's new. It was a good trip home and as it seems I brought everything I needed but somewhere between the Ellensburg 7-11 and Toppenish I lost my debit card. Of course it's my "Central Connection Card" that allows me access to the laundry room, the gym, etc... I'm hoping it turns up but right now it's looking bad. How many times has this happened to me this year, three? Ugh.

I'm sitting in my bedroom which my mom has converted into a craft room. I don't mind it, it's a lot cleaner in here and it gives me room to workout. I'm going to probably be spending a lot of time up here and in the family room on the couch reading to review for upcoming finals.

I don't have any picks with me.... AGAIN. Okay maybe I didn't remember everything I had to get. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving so nothing's going to be open. I'm not even going to be able to call to cancel my card or buy picks.. I'm hoping there's a pick floating around my car, the case or my purse... If not I might have to try to bum one.

I think I'm going out with Ashleigh's friends on Saturday so that should be a good time. We're probably going to hang out and drink more at Phil's house afterward.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I'm looking forward to that and leftover turkey sandwiches! My sister is of course doing a ton of pre-Thanksgiving baking. I didn't go crazy on the sweets or anything today as tempting as all the gingerbread was but my diet was pretty bad because I had McDonalds at lunch and had a BLT like an hour ago and now I feel like going to sleep instead of working out more like I'd originally planned.


I feel like I've been gaining weight and doing things like this isn't going to help me, that's for damn sure. Eating and then going straight to sleep can put on weight sooo fast. I plan to do a hundred crunches. Then hopefully it'll at least go to my ass.

I've started doing Tiffany Rothe workouts a lot again too. I hadn't checked back on her channel for sometime and she uploaded a bunch of new stuff to keep me fit over the holidays.

peace. 

My first party with booze (storytime everyone!)

Goodmorning everyone.

It's 9:00 am. A friend of mine texted me at 1 in the morning and I did not fall back asleep. I feel asleep at around 6 or 7. I really would have liked to of exercised but not having my computer has made it a little more difficult. Today is Wednesday which means I have two more days here before I intend to go back (on Friday).

I plan on seeing Kari H. tomorrow! We communicate a lot on facebook and I plan to swing by and talk with her before my guitar lesson. I'd like to get back into the routine if waking up early in the morning.

Life has been quite strange the past couple days. After Katelynn and I stopped being friends I had a hard time believing it was real. I've recapped the entire story of what happened in my head numerous times and as the days pass details are becoming cloudier. I will try to back up to the very beginning, which was the day before the party. It's story time people!

Spring Break Party-- My first party with booze,
Trying to find closure with Katelynn
and the Situation 3/13/2013. 

Prologue: Katelynn and I hung out the previous night and walked around Richland. Things seemed fine, just like any other regular night. I brought over the last of some brownies I had left in the freezer which we enjoyed. They were quite old, admittedly. 

Katelynn and I went to the drive through at McDonalds that night over by Leyte, which I remember Jacob M. worked at for quite awhile. Jacob and I were friends and I liked him for awhile my Sophomore year-- I think after I dated Chino and right before I got my license. Anyway, that's off topic. We went to THAT McDonalds.

I ate a chicken  sandwich and fries. I admitted that it tasted pretty good but when we took a walk that  evening I started to feel sick. Katelynn is applying for a job at McDonalds while she looks for work elsewhere. I understand in her circumstances looking for work in this difficult economy you have to take what you can while you look for work to maintain your lifestyle. 

I feel as though Katelynn might have gotten sick of my problems because they seem petty to her. I can understand that. I don't have to work and I still complain about being nervous about money. My parents have supported me while Katelynn's parents have caused her financial stress since she was 16. I've always respected Katelynn for being more independent than I am and I appreciate her for that.  

Ryan, a friend of Katelynn's who at one time dated Katelynn's other friend Toni. Toni and Katelynn had a falling out and Ryan lost touch with Katelynn somewhere around our Junior year of highschool. Ryan is a really cool guy and plays the drums. 

Behind him is Brandon. I can't remember how Katelynn met Brandon exactly, but I was very happy when they arrived pretty shortly after the RSVP time (8:00). 

 

Katelynn was excited to help me plan for the party the night before and I was really nervous to have the party at all. I guess I'm always like that-- I always think "Oh GAHD nobody's going to show up!!" but people eventually do and I'm a happy camper. Because tonight was my first party with alcohol I was especially nervous. What if people drink too much? What if Jacob shows up and I make an ass of myself?

Katelynn and I cleaned the house... well, predominantly Katelynn cleaned it. I'm not going to lie guys, I am a puss when it comes to being tired. It's really hard for me to wake up if I didn't sleep well the previous night, even if I have a party that day. I slept at Katelynn's house the last night on their couch and I wasn't able to sleep at all so I found I was rather bitchy that night without even trying to be. 

That is, completely unintentionally bitchy. I would never want to hurt Katelynn, ever. I feel like sometimes I just go on bantering about things but I'll end up saying something that could have offended her even if it had nothing to do with her necessarily. 

Katelynn wiped off the counters, vacuumed the living room and probably straightened up the living room while I was.... in my bedroom, with Miranda, trying to sleep so that I didn't act feel and unintentionally act like a moody, lathargic bitch all evening. At around 8:00 Katelynn's friend Ryan showed up, who is the bearded gentleman in the picture. We all had fun hanging out and chatting for about an hour and a half before anyone else showed up-- but needless to say I was a little nervous when 9:30 was rolling around and nobody else had showed up yet. 

One of the things I said that probably offendid Katelynn: "Why isn't anybody showing up!" I must have said this 3 or 4 times... It's not like I in any way meant that Katelynn and her friends aren't somebody to me. I was just as excited to have them there as everyone else. I was just thinking of how bad it would be if nobody that Jacob knew had showed up to my party and how lame it would be to say, "Err... yeah I tried to plan that buttttt...."

Brandon and Ricky were the next to arrive. I was sort of surprised they showed up, they brought a couple six packs too. That night I had bought a 28 can-box of Coors light, I believe-- I'm not that particular. 

 

Then Glenn and Adolfo showed up, and shortly after Rhiannon, Kevin and Sheldon M. When Jordan S. showed up with his girlfriend I was like, yay! This is officially a party. I felt there was a respectable amount of people to not be considered a "kickback"-- which is impressive to me because usually Benton City is such a far drive nobody wants to come out here.

Samantha and Shawn were invited but were unable to make it because Shawn had to work in the morning. Josie originally told me she wasn't going to make it because she had a final the next day but then showed up shortly after Joan and Jared. 

 There's me and Josie. As you can see we're wearing practically matching attire unintentionally, ha ha. Basics are the best clothes. Anyway she dropped in briefly, we talked about college and kind of joked around with Joan and Jarred before they left too. Joan must be on spring break too. He lives in Pullman. Josie is currently going to cbc and will graduate in good time. She didn't do running start in highschool so I'm pretty sure she's in her second year there. 

 

Anyway the night rolled on. We got more drunk. I tried to hang out and talk with everyone at one point or another so I didn't spend the whole time with Katelynn. I figured she was having a good time because she was hanging out with the friends that she'd brought. 

As people started to leave I started to move the party outside because my sister had class in the morning. As you can see I sat down next to Katelynn and asked her friend to take these pictures. Again, thought we were having a really good time. 

Fast forward to after the party. It's the day after and I'm exhausted hanging around the house all day. I get a text from Katelynn asking if I was busy-- and I wasn't, really. That morning I'd seen Rhiannon briefly and we walked around town for a little bit before she went to work. She had told me about a party she was going to and told me she would talk to Sheldon about me coming.

When Katelynn asked what I was doing I told her I might hit up Connor (granted I had tried but he didn't get back to me. I haven't seen him a pretty long time) but then later said I was planning to go to bed after all.

That day my Mom informed me that Katelynn had posted a status about like... 'so much for my friends being there for me' or something along those lines. I didn't see the post because my computer has been broken and I was using my cell phone which cut back my facebook contact reliability pretty significantly. 

The next day Katelynn texted me saying she didn't want to be friends anymore with no real explanation other than that she felt the only time I was listening to her was when we were talking about me. 

I would have to disagree but this is the way that she felt and she has every right to cut me out of her life. I just have a hard time believing it.

Forward: Messaged Sarah on facebook the day of the text messages. She told me that Katelynn does this unexpectedly, which I'm aware of, but I never thought it would be me. I thought I would continue to be the constant variable in her life. But times are changing, our lives are changing... And she wholeheartedly meant what she said and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm just trying to move forward. Without my best friend I feel rather empty. She was a person that I grew up with in many ways, our personalities developed together through adolescence. I'm going to miss her.

peace.

Comfort food, yawn.

I feel like I shouldn't be writing right this second because I still have a lot to do. Oh well.

I can't actually post what's been on my mind all day. What I will say, however, is that mental illnesses are treatable with proper medication and it makes me very sad to see someone spiral out of control. I feel like I was going there with depression and anxiety for awhile but since I've started taking prozac I feel much better overall. I'm no longer breaking down and crying nearly every day or thinking about things that don't matter that much as frequently. I feel like I'm in better control of my life...

Chicken with gravy and mashed potatos has been one of my favorite things to eat lately. Comfort food I guess. 

I've had some lousy chest pain today. I've been logging my meals onto a site called MyFitnessPal and it's telling me that I eat too much protein. I have as balanced of a diet as I can, and I feel like eating one skinless panfried chicken breast or 4 oz steak with dinner each night is good for me. I dunno, maybe I should eat pasta dishes more often. They just usually don't sound that appealing because I only know how to prepare it one way... With a little butter, parmesan cheese and garlic salt. I eat that every couple days.

Classes were good today. I got a 9/10 on my second finite math test and I was asked to be one of the study group leaders. Jessie was too. My time slot is 3-5 pm in the library and I doubt anyone will show up but hey, it gives me a good excuse to study for a solid two hours either way. That can't hurt my grades.

Today so far the only homework that I've done is English and once I get off here I've gotta read 7.1, do a small assignment and do some econ multiple choice before bed. I want to work out, too, so I'm probably not going to go to sleep until 11 or so. I did take a nap today right after classes so it's fine.

This entry is boring. Sorry guys, it's a Tuesday that's basically like a monday because of the 3 day weekend, bear with me. At least I'm not miserable, ha ha.

peace. 

Wow, best veterans day in awhile...

So low and behold, Jared is actually pretty interesting to talk to in person. I wasn't sure how our conversations would be when we were sober but I was pleasantly surprised. He came over this evening and we took a walk for a little while.

He texted me at about 11 this morning and we chatted for a few hours, which almost the entire time I felt like I was pushing the conversation forward by asking a bunch of questions according to his vague answers. At around 3, I said "what are you doing for dinner?" which he didn't reply to so I'm like "Or not. I'm just wondering, you never really ask what I'm doing so I don't know what to say.." which he responded that he's not a big texter. I'm like, what! You texted me first, you know? And the previous night when I'd said I was going to bed he's like "Why?" So I guess I figured he liked texting so I felt a little obligated to do so.

So here I am pushing this conversation for the sake of not knowing if he's planning on making plans or not. Because honestly you guys, when MOST men text is because they're trying to make plans, you know? Like the last few guys I've... I guess "dated," haven't really been chatty via text. It's just hard to tell if a guy wants to text or not, and the last thing you want to do is OVER text and make it seem like you're some "needy" girl. He needs to be aware that I have a lot going on.

He'd come over tonight and he saw my workspace and said "This is what you've been doing all day. Nothing." I'm like WHAT, NO! I've played guitar for FORTY minutes! Ha ha, to me that's absolute raw productivity. I also did a legal assignment so that was good. I'll probably practice my guitar, watch king of the hill and look at my accounting material simultaneously tonight.

I'm of course feeling sort of happy about this situation. I don't know what's going to come of it, he hasn't indicated to me at all that he doesn't enjoy my company so I'm hoping we'll spend more time together. That's all I'll say about it. I just can't push it.

He's a really sweet person, from what I've seen anyway. That's a plus. I'm hoping once I can open up more to him he'll be able to get my sense of humor. It takes awhile to warm up to that I guess. I think that's the best indicator that interest in a person will last is if they at least sort of get your sense of humor. Mine can be a little dark. I'm a little strange.

I showed him some of my old pictures. He knows about cosplay. He told me he likes going through people's photos, that's something we have in common. He also told me he doesn't like when food is left out which is just like me!  We stopped at Bradley's house to pick up my waterbottle and they were partying extremely hard last night I guess.

I think maybe I will post that picture to my facebook, we had a fun night. What the hell.

peace. 

Pageants are just a sea of bitches

This is an Ibanez RGT42 in slate grey, fucking nice $750 guitar that I'll be getting for $350 in a few days if all goes right. I want to get that thing so bad, I'm so sick of the sunburst one that I have right now. Granted I'm sort of happy that I did learn my foundation on a Les Paul style neck my hand is killing me every day.

May is almost over. I planned my party way too early and there's still 16 more days. People have probably forgotten about it by now. Heh.... I feel like a big nerd, still. But I don't think it'll matter. Hopefully people'll show up.

Guitar lessons went well today. Got some new material to work on, and I have to start working on the 2 string patterns backward and forward. Jacob seemed sort of pissed off about something, he just seemed exhausted or something. This last week I did 23 hours. Pretty solid week, though I don't feel I got a substantial amount accomplished. I should probably start playing less with Netflix in the background.

Yup, Wednesdays are my favorite days. Everything just seems nice.. I'd like to go take a walk but I have nobody to walk with. I feel like I need to get out of here, though. Do something social.

Good GOD! Okay I messed up this morning, big time. On Friday night or something, I had called Connor and Zach (along with a few other people) to see what people were up too. I was just bored. Zach texted asking me if I'd called, but I thought it was Connor, so we had this conversation with what I WOULD have said with Connor, and it was sort of suggestive. Once I realized who it was I felt super lame!

It'd be nice to spend some time with Connor tonight because I'm not doing anything else and I don't have to study or get up particularly early tomorrow. The new grammar in Japanese is pretty straight forward, though I do have a quiz next Tuesday that I should get studying for. Oral exams were moved to next Thursday so I've got a little time to dwell. Me and Hannah both have 106% in that class, I'm sure we'll get an A.... ha ha it's almost gotten humorous. I will continue to work hard at it though, until the very end!

Samantha's graduation is in three days, and I'll be missing it. It depresses me to no end because I really want to go and see her. I'm really proud of what she's done; she got good grades, didn't get pregnant, never did alternative school. Sometimes I just never knew with her when we first started being friends if she would make it through school.

I'm looking forward to all the bomb food on Saturday, too. My sister's boyfriend Jimmy is graduating, but she was unable to get the day off so I'm pretty sure she'll just be going to his party. This means I'll be getting a chance to meet Jimmy's parents. OH! By the way, remember the pageant blog that I wrote a long time ago? My sister totally decided not to do it after the first meeting.

I'm happy, pageants seem like a swarm of bitches. My sister doesn't need approval from a bunch of creepy middle aged women living vacariously through their daughters. She's already got plenty of activities going on.

I've got a nasty stomach cramp.. I think I'm going to lay down a bit before dinner


peace.

Made a boring day at home pretty productive, again.

People wonder why I exercise every single day. That right there.

Monday is now almost over.

I didn't really do much of anything all day. Got up around 10, read about forty or so pages of Memoirs of a Geisha (and I'll probably read more tonight), played my guitar for an hour and made some progress on both Inis Mona and cleaning up Schism.

My confidence in Japanese right now is so bad.... Chris posted some comment in Japanese and I couldn't read it at all. I mean I could read some words but it was just like my brain looked at it like it was the biggest annoyance imaginable. Like the characters looked like seeing something just hideously confusing. I've just lost all confidence in it. It's almost annoying to me now. Ever since I did shitty on that test, disappointed myself, FAILED. You guys understand what I'm dealing with now if I mess up on a test. I just feel like I can't even do it at all anymore and have no interest in continuing.

Todays been such a lonely ass day. I really haven't talked to anyone... Haven't texted anyone, so I guess it's sort of my fault I haven't talked to anyone. I just usually get texted first by people. I'll go days where I'm talking to people constantly and going out constantly, fun fun fun... then I have days where it's like, wow, nothing is happening. Well, I have tomorrow and wednesday for whatever I want to do because I'm not working, then I work on Thursday, and work during the weekend of course, then it's back to the old grind again and I'm not looking forward to my last quarter at CBC very much.

You know me, I'll make the most of it. I'm just SO done with that place. SO ready to move on...

I didn't even post on facebook that I've technically got my AA now. Reason being, I'm still gonna be going to that stupid ass school again next quarter. Secondly, it's like, wow, who cares, you've been there for three years, took you long enough. I mean my sister is probably going to have her AA when she graduates and she's only going to be 18. Her grades aren't as good as mine though, she's not as freaked out about it as I am.

I can't believe that it's only taken a few days of not being around my friends to feel like absolute crap. If I didn't have pot I'd probably be having an emotional breakdown, it's so stupid. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just try to relax and take things as they come.

I know! I'll exercise. That makes me feel better, every time. Take off this damn makeup, pull my hair up, and exercise for a good hour, then I'll play guitar for a good hour (making two hours today), and go to sleep. I'll feel awesome after that, guarenteed. : )

peace.

Let's try an experiment. 40.

Last night ended up being fantastic. I went over to Heather's after dealing with Lindy's lack of knowing what the plan was for three hours+. I was done with it and Heather said it didn't seem like there were any actual plans, so we hung out there instead. We made some really tasty rice pilaf from rice they purchased in Jamaica.

It's unfortunate that it's already 2:30 because I have a lot of work to get done, but if I play my cards right this will be a very productive Sunday and I will be very ready for the following week. I have an idea, I'm gonna try to plan this exactly down to the hour and see if I'm more likely to get it all done.

Everything on this list MUST be done in order to do this:

1. One SOLID hour of studying Japanese. This means no half assed, doing something else in the background shit. 3:00-4:00 PM. I will get this done and out of the way to warm up for other studying.

2. Guitar for an hour. By the time I'm done with studying Japanese I might want a little break so this will give me that time. I've been improving a lot because the past couple days I've "removed the training wheels," so to speak. Originally I was playing with my hands positioned TOTALLY WRONG. I realized this after reading an article about it, and how the position of your thumb can greatly dictate the amount of space your fingers can make. It's incredible. Anyway that helps, still needs a lot of work, still kind of hurts to play in the proper position, but I'm working on it. 4:10-5:10.

3. Accounting homework from 5:15-6. Get done with what I can, then start getting dinner ready. Make something small for myself, maybe take some caffiene, and keep going.

4. Do something for exercise. I'm intending on doing some pilates right now before 3' but do some other exercise during this hour.

5. Visual Basic project after 7' PM. Read over Chapters 1 and 2 one more time to try to get a better idea of the material. I feel myself slipping behind in there and I can't let myself. This should take until 8:30 or so.

I wonder if planning a day to this degree will make it unenjoyable, or super productive. We will see right now.

peace.