Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's no longer a distraction, it's what I truly love.

Happy Halloween everyone!

I'm still feeling kind of sad this evening, unfortunately. I want these feelings to go away.. I want to forget about Jed, forget that this whole thing happened. I of course feel like I was in a much better position BEFORE Jed entered my life because back then I hadn't found anyone that I was particularly interested in. I felt like that crush on Jed opened a pandora's box of emotions that I now have to deal with now that he's gone.... 

Last night at around 9 when I was actually feeling better about the situation I get a text. By then I'd deleted Jed from my contacts list as well as the threads that we had going back and forth because I've learned to get rid of reminders. He'd somehow resent me the same text that said "Hey uhm sorry but..." etc etc. The message that originally made my heart feel like it dropped into my gut. I immediately replied, "What the hell." Not because I didn't know it was a resend, but because I was frustrated that I got it. I think I still felt I had to get some things off my chest even if I didn't realize it at the time... He immediately replied "??" and I said "Nevermind you didn't mean to send that."

He didn't reply to said message until this morning, which he said "Send what?!" which... I don't even know, I think he shouldn't have texted me and let it go. I just told him it was just a random message that wasn't meant to be sent to me. He's like "Lol that alright no big deal." or something like that, I'm like "..Yeah..." then he replied "Lol." At this point I'm like, okay go away.... 

And note that this was after all the pain I'd dealt with last night and trying to deal with this in the most mature manner possible. I ended up getting angry that he was texting me at all and I said "Stop. I feel like you're taunting and it's pissing me off." or something along those lines. I don't really know what I meant. I just felt irritated that I was feeling these emotions again in the morning, I was of course crying by this point just for the  reason that I was talking to him and was reminded of the emotions I'd felt the previous night.

He's like "Wow this is the last time you will hear from me." This of course lead me to balling, I did not want things to end on that note at all. I just want to handle things maturely. I decided to just tell him the truth of how I felt about the situation. 

I told him in so many words, "Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you and I don't want things to be awkward between us if I do see you around campus or wherever. I've just been sad because I didn't expect you'd cut things off so suddenly because I really did like you..." I also briefly mentioned the other girl situation, and how I'd had a feeling he'd been talking to her for awhile in the first place and for that reason I wished we hadn't of gotten as close as we did.

He replied that basically he's really sorry for any pain he'd caused, and that we probably shouldn't have rushed like we did. He told me he hadn't been talking to that girl before but they were old friends so they met up at a party and hit it off. 

It's gonna take a lot of guitar to drown out this loneliness over the next week or so until I get back to my normal equilibrium of numbness. 

Sigh... I'm happy I know the truth now, and happy that I at least got a chance to state my case with him. 

Enough about that. Time to move on with my real life.

I figure I should just tell you guys now. I can't give you the details but I'm excited to say that I will be getting lessons again! I'm... not going to disclose who exactly, for certain reasons... Ugh, this person is so incredibly important in my life I would not want to somehow disclose this information and cause him to think I violated his trust. 

But yeah, everything is going to be alright. I think a lot of this panic has actually been attributed to not taking lessons. It's something I hold dear to me. I'm going to improve immensely as a guitarist over the next couple years because with my teacher being the level that he is the possibilities are endless. Thursday at 5:30 is going to be my new time to look forward too. 

So that's it! I'm going to start to get this anxiety under control. I've started to spend a bit more time actually hanging out with Kristin and periodically watching TV with her. It sort of relaxes me to not know what's going on in a television show. I'll just pop in when she's watching there, eat some food, go back to my room. Maybe chat about something totally irrelevant to school like what's going on the TV. It's really relaxing, I can see why people like to sit around and watch TV together... 

Though personally I've never been a fan. Especially now that I'm into music, sitting and watching TV for an extended period of time is unappealing because I'd rather practice. 


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I was hoping this would have a happy ending but it's over.

It's over...

I was hoping this would have a happy ending, but no, that's the end of Jed. I texted him this morning asking him if he would like to hang out at some time today and he told me, "Uhm so I started seeing this girl, an old friend of mine, hope this won't make things awkward between us."

...What? Wow. That's his decision. All I could say was that okay... Like have a nice life. If we pass eachother I'll give him a closed mouth smile if we make eye contact and keep walking as if we were complete strangers again. Note that he's seeing this girl after he told me he doesn't want a relationship, which is the really painful part. I almost wish he hadn't have told me he was seeing someone else.

I'm okay though, as I've said before, either these things work out or they don't. In this case, I really liked him but apparently he felt more strongly for this other girl so he's making that choice. There's nothing I can do about it so I just have to accept it and move on.

It's just depressing, as always. I'm starting to feel like I'm over it, I have a way of blocking out things like this very quickly. He probably wasn't perfect for me anyway. If he was I'd probably be a lot more sad than I am right now. I mean I've cried off and on today, but honestly my crying isn't for Jed.

It's more just crying because I didn't get a chance.. I no longer allow myself to develop feelings for people to the degree that I would cry simply because I'd want them back. I'll forget about Jed himself in no time, now that he's cut off he's completely insignificant in my life. That is relaxing because I don't have to worry about if I'm talking to him or not.

The tears are from loneliness. My heart feeling more and more numb as time has passed. I've truly learned to love myself in all of this because I've held myself together in my own circumstances to the outside world much better than I ever would have envisioned. I think of how I'd let the depression from loneliness get to me a year ago where I'd make the dumbest decisions, but now that I'm almost two years in I've learned to cope with it.

Well Katelynn just called! I already had the brunt of the emotions earlier today so I'm actually feeling a little better... This will help too.


Week 7, getting into the hardest part of the quarter.

I have a hell of a busy work week ahead. I've been starting my weeks on Tuesdays because that's the day that I'm usually in the know for what I have to get done in the next week. If I were to make one of these on Monday morning I wouldn't have known the exact date for my accounting test, next Monday.

This next accounting test is really important because if I fail this one I'm out of the class and it's too late to drop so I'd be stuck with a failing grade. That being said, I'm going to really make a point to study those flash cards, understand the concepts and formulas, and re-do those homework assignments. Burnadette, Natasha, Tiana and I are going to meet up and study sometime this week. Burnadette and I were considering meeting today but I'm not sure if that will actually happen. Either way I still gotta get that assignment done. Chapter 13 SUCKS but Natasha actually got some help from the professor yesterday so we were able to really figure out the assignments. 

The key is being able to do it without a reference, knowing what order to put those tables, etc etc.. As my task list says, week 7 is typically where you dig into the more difficult material of the course,usually have upcoming important tests to watch out for (if you don't already have one in week 7.. I'm my case I don't), etc. So wish me luck. I have to make sure I'm taking the necessary steps to do well on that accounting test or I'm pretty screwed.


Monday, October 29, 2012

Just pushing forward.

Well today's been pretty good, academically that is. I think I did well on my Legal midterm.

I am a little frustrated with myself at the moment though. I texted Jed earlier and he did reply but our conversation ended on sort of an awkward note when I told him I'm never really on the loop with parties. He'd told me he partied this weekend. I made myself look like a hermit. Excellent.

But it really isn't *that* far from the truth. It's always been true that I would much rather hang out with just one or two people then a huge group of people. Actually to be honest hanging out with two people even makes me feel awkward if I'm the one that's hosting. I don't mind groups that much when I'm not hosting, like I am friendly enough that it's not bad.. But when I'm the host of a large group of people (like that party I had, for instance), I was completely unable to relax.... then by 12:00 I literally wanted the party to be over and everyone to go home.

Little embarrassing, but hey, everyone had a good time... Except Jessika, who left after acting completely ridiculous and making faces at everyone.

No panic attack today, which is good because I would have been especially nervous if I had one today... My chest has still been bothering me but now it's mainly just my sternum instead of my breasts. This stress has sucked but believe it or not I've been doing really well on my schoolwork. I'm beginning to think my source of stress is more due to Jed, the fact that I didn't do anything for halloween, feeling slightly socially isolated, being sick... A lot of things.

Russell Alan of Symphony X. 
I had felt some major stress in my accounting class today that nearly led to a panic attack. Walking home I turned on "Heretic" and the beginning guitar riff shot straight into my soul. I felt so relieved of all the tension I'd been feeling earlier in the day. 

Metal helps me so much. Due to my chest pains I haven't been practicing as much as I really should. This week I only practiced about an hour a day and barely did much as far as new material goes. I've just been working on Sultans and Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid but I haven't been playing with the guitar pro program so I'm not making as much progress as I probably could be. Most of the time I don't want to play with the program, though, because I'd rather watch TV and chill out.

I'm just tired.... I'm not going to text Jed saying goodnight or anything. He's busy with homework anyway and probably doesn't want to be bothered by me. I'd really like to someday like a guy that I don't feel like I'm bothering. He was out partying all weekend.... Having a great fucking time. I hate partying. I hate shots and slutty girls. I hate hookups, beer, all of it. I want to stay as far away from it as possible because all it does is drag me into that hole of hopelessness. Because nothing good comes out of hookups, yet I'm convinced that's what almost all guys my age want so it's sort of a hopeless effort for me to try to make anything work.

I just sort of wait patiently for things to change. It bothers me lately especially because I've felt a bit of weakness and would really just like to have someone there. I think this thing with Jed has also been hard because been trying to hold up this wall I have against having emotions toward someone... I just don't want to get hurt again, and because I feel myself really getting to like this one and knowing he doesn't want a relationship makes me feel insecure about what I say... Like I feel like if I somehow were to "Suggest" something he would take it the wrong way and never see me again. I'm sick of it, everything else in my life is going perfect in regards to everything I'd always imagined so why can't I just be happy, relax and let things come as they will...

Because life has never been like that for me.


My first panic attack

There are some people that I hold in very high regard in my life. People that if throughout life they're ever in trouble they can come to me for help and I'd help them hands down because of how much they've helped me at this stage of my life.

Ashley B. is one of those people.

Yesterday was normal for the most part. I'd studied my accounting for an hour first thing in the morning after doing my laundry and was unable to fully comprehend the material. It was frustrating so I put it aside after doing about four exercises. Figured I'd do the other four today which is something I have to get done here after I finish this entry.

I came back to my room to start studying for my midterm. I continued to feel pain in my chest from the past few days. The pain was scaring me now and I made the mistake of beginning to research it. I stopped myself after about 5 minutes, I told myself, "Stop, you know this isn't going to help.. There's nothing wrong with you.." But I still wanted to talk to my mom to help calm me down. I called my parents, neither of them picked up. Then I tried my sister and she hung up on me. The feeling of isolation made me feel creeped out, so I went on facebook for awhile and tried to relax.

It wasn't working... My hands were getting sweaty, I felt dizzy, I felt like I could barely breath. I then began going through my phone contacts looking for someone to call. I first called Katelynn, then Samantha but neither of them picked up so I decided to call Ashley B. She's always been extremely understanding of people's problems; she went to an oppressive Catholic school and dealt with bullying growing up so she knows and understands stress and depression more than most people I know.

When she picked up I immediately starting balling, saying I was extremely scared because I felt like I couldn't breath. She helped calm me down to explain that it was just a panic attack, that my symptoms are normal, and suggested some remedies to help me relax. One of which included benadryl, which I don't have any of so I ended up drinking an alka-seltzer and took a quarter supplement of Bronkaid to help clear my airways. Both of them helped quite a bit. I'm going to keep Bronkaid around for this purpose. Only taking a small amount like that did not affect my appetite or sleeping last night. I haven't been taking caffeine either.

I'd never had a panic attack before... I've been going through a really stressful time so it's understandable. Everyone that I'd called returned my call that evening, Samantha seemed really concerned but by then I just didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes talking about paranoia makes it worse. I really don't want to have a panic attack again, it seriously feels like you're having a heart attack and that you can't breath.

When I talked to my mom about it she thinks it also partially has to do with feeling stressed about not talking to Jed. As much as I don't want to admit it, it does sadden me that we haven't talked in 4 days now... I feel strangely numb about it, like I haven't let myself get attached to the point that it bothers me to a great degree but not knowing if I'm going to talk to him again makes me kind of sad.


Sunday, October 28, 2012

Reached 500 hour milestone! 5% mastery!

Today started out very good, I just found $2.25 in my purse in quarters so I can get my laundry done.

500 Hour Practice Trophy
Purchased from Boogie Man Music Store

Yesterday I spent a little of my money on something fun. I recently reached my first 500 hour practice milestone. I can't say I've absolutely had my first "click" yet, but I can certainly say it's become much easier to play in front of people and play without tabs. Like I can turn on a track and play it with decent accuracy without an immense amount of warmup anymore. I'm still doing about 20 minutes a day of warmup on average. This week I've made it a point to practice at least an hour.

My time balance for this week has been near perfect, I've been following the weekly schedule that I set up and I've gotten a solid five hours of midterm study done for my legal class. Today I plan to do a couple more if I can, the midterm itself is happening tomorrow. I'm also going to get my chapter 9/10 quiz done. My legal class has honestly become my favorite class; simply because it's the most interesting to me of the three.. But more than anything because of it's consistent. Even if I originally thought Metiner was slow we've actually been perfectly on schedule this entire quarter. He keeps the class very interesting, I like his lectures. And I've learned a ton about the legal system!

I got my strings reset on my guitar yesterday. My friend Adam came over, we hung out for a bit and we ran my Ibanez over to Boogie man where he we got the Floyd Rose fixed and restrung in no time. The shop owner actually told me that he wasn't charging me for it. I was so flattered that I literally said, "Well now I want to buy something!"  hahaha. I didn't actually have the intention of buying something besides the new string but then I'd realized I still had a bit of money from that $160 I'd gotten for my birthday. I spent about $50 of it on groceries the other day.

I had a hard time picking out a strap. I typically have a hard time making decisions in general but there were hundreds of straps there and I wanted to get the perfect one. There were some leather straps that I thought were cool, they're a bit more comfortable then the current material I purchased but I was really turned on by the design of this one and thought I'd look perfect on my Ibanez. Adam agreed so we purchased it.

Originally I thought I shouldn't have spent that money so quickly but then I realized this morning that I hadn't really awarded myself for reaching 500 hours. I think that is how I'll determine when I'll purchase music equipment so that it doesn't get out of hand...

Because seriously you guys, music equipment is the most expensive shit ever. This is an expensive hobby if you let it become more of a... "consumer" project than a creative one. I mean I see people that spend thousands of dollars on their guitar equipment before they even really learn to play. And you can see why, guitar equipment is cool. It can feel exhilarating just holding a fancy guitar but if you can't play anything, well...

So I let myself buy things periodically. For instance, I think I was at about 250 hours when I purchased the Ibanez RGT 42 itself. I've been using Sheridan M.'s old bass strap that she used when she played in band back in middle school. I always admired Sheridan for being the only female bass player, she inspired me and that was a really good strap. So for the last 500 hours I used that one, and today I'm going to try and figure out how to unlock the strap locks and retire it for this new one. I think I'll try to buy myself something cool at every 250 hour milestone.

Of course when I reach the 1000 hour milestone I'm going to get myself a new guitar! At every 1,000 hour milestone I'm going to get a new guitar... That way when I'm finally a master I'll have 10 guitars, that's practically a collection. But I would earn all of them, so instead of being a consumerist thing it's more of a trophy for the amount of work I'd done for each.

Today I've got quite a bit of work to do. Let's see...

-Read Accounting Chapter 13
-Accounting Chapter 13 homework.
-Legal midterm study one hour...
-Quiz Chapter 9/10 for legal
-Finish Hw 8 in math if at all possible... (I don't really understand the material yet)
-Install strap....

Wish me luck. Still feeling a little pain in my chest when I breath but I talked to Katelynn about it and she said she thinks it might be my reaction to an immense amount of stress lately. She said she sometimes has that too where it almost feels like your heart hurts and you feel like you can't breath.. It's all due to the amount of stress I've been putting myself though and probably my high amounts of caffeine consumption. I don't believe I'm significantly worse than most people but I'm thinking this chest pain is somewhat due to that. 

I sent Jed a couple pictures I'd taken around yesterday. We hadn't talked for 2 days so I figured it'd be fine. He hasn't texted back, it's been three days since we've talked. I'm having a feeling he probably partied last night, whatever that's his business. 


Saturday, October 27, 2012

This new Coheed CD. My sloppy review, hosting and more.

Wow turns out I really love hosting!! : ) 
This got 21 likes on facebook, I feel loved. Making Kickin' Chicken for Reina and I.

This morning I got up with the full intention of buying a brand new office chair. This one in my room has become one of the bigger frustrations of my life. Trust me, that's a good thing though because I'm not dealing with the previous health problems that I encountered when I first moved here. I've been eating healthy now, three meals a day, filling up on fruits and veggies, etc etc.. I've been feeling more confident in my classes as well. My studying for my legal class is paying off, today I pounded four hours (in increments! mind you I did do other stuff today...) of multiple choice midterm review. 

I had lunch with my friend Reina today! Friday is our day that we like to hang out. She had her midterms this week, and her speaking one was "so-so" but the rest were very easy. I'm excited for her living here in the US because she's doing a lot of cool stuff, like she's got a lot of Japanese friends and their always really making the most of their time here. I think it's admirable.

I'm making the most of my time here too, I'm hanging out with friends around here almost every day now at one point or another. People just stop in and we'll hang out, drink tea, play guitar, whatever! I'd much, much rather hang out with a small group of people or one other person and have a more intimate conversation then be in a huge group of people with tons of yelling over eachother going on. It's not really my style, I'd rather just hang out and talk and really get to know a person. 

So did I tell you guys that I met Casey a couple days ago? I can't remember. Casey lives downstairs from me, and he's been walking around Central with these cardboard signs directing attention his way. This is... VERY mainstream for Western or any other liberal college but at Central he really stands out. I didn't figure I'd be hanging out with him anytime soon until he posted a status saying it was ridiculous that we hadn't because he was just a few seconds down from us so I figured what the hell, come on over! Ha ha. 

Anyway, freaking.. Nice guy! He's a really good person, we hung out in my room and watched netflix for a bit and he plays guitar as well so there was a little jam session there as well, it was really fun. 

I'm always listening to Opeth lately. It's been satisfying me for some reason, I've needed some calm instrumentals to accompany studying for hours on end. But as you guys can see, I'm making strides to balance my study time with eating well, hanging out with friends, occasional pilates, guitar (duh).... And Jed. 

I don't really know how long Jed will be around though so I have to kind of let that sort of play out slowly. I really don't want him to feel pressured in any sort of way like Jason was and cut things off. I was okay with Jason and I cutting off though because Jason and I weren't really clicking. I had immediate doubts about Jason from the get go that I was trying to look past. 

It's not the same way with Jed at all though. Like I haven't had one doubt about him yet, his personality is awesome. He's really laid back, but surprisingly childish acting considering he's an engineering major. Like I figured he'd be sort of rigid and strict like Jason was (also an engineering major... They're usually "math guys," hahaha, you know what I mean?) but he's not at all...

Oi, yeah, so I'd rather not unintentionally make him feel like I'm pressuring him in any way. I'm not, I don't want him to rush into some relationship with me, I just want to be able to spend time with him and not have to worry about it. Like I don't want him to think that I am pushing him what so ever. 

Ha ha, he watches Vampire diaries. Isn't that ridiculous? Rich gay people and middle aged women watch that. 

Ha ha ha ha.... okay, nevermind, that's not that funny. Lots of people watch shows like that. I'm a weirdo who watches North Korean propaganda films for hours on end while I practice. I have absolutely no room to talk.  

Wow, it's almost three am. I took a really long nap today and it's getting to the point that even if I had a big dinner I'm hungry again. Shit, better make myself a roast beef sandwich.

You know any time that I make a sandwich for myself extremely late at night I think of that 600 pound woman Donna Sellers that would always make a stop at the kitchen to make herself sandwiches at night and most "normal" people don't do that. Something silly like that. I don't really think of it as abnormal. It's 3 am, I'm hungry, I'm going to eat a sandwich. I slept for a few hours during the day so I'm not going to be completely depriving myself of sleep when I go to bed tonight. Tomorrow morning I might sleep in until 9 or 10, then get up and running like usual. 

I really don't understand the new Coheed and Cambria CD. It's taken a little while to get accustomed to it. It seems like they're really going back to their progressive roots like In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth. I'm enjoying it a little. Once you get into prog metal sometimes more mainstream music sounds a bit too... "sing-y." I'm not saying Coheed doesn't define progressive in and of itself... but some of this music is really strange. Like you can't figure out what exactly the chorus is. It just sounds like verses and verses and verses telling some story... I don't know, it's really not my favorite by Coheed. 

Actually I would dare to say I find this album almost annoying. I haven't found a particular song that I like on it. Mothers of Men is pretty good I suppose... I just feel like this album was forced, like the fanbase was pressuring them so hard to come out with a new album that they didn't know what to do from there. Their last album, Year of the Black Rainbow, concluded this musical journey that will be legend in the progressive rock library for decades to come. 

But now that they are legends they are forced to respond to an incredible amount of pressure from their growing fanbase to create new material. So they create this album, "The Aftermath," which if it is as straight forward as it seems, is just branching off the old story. 

"Goodnight, Fair Lady" is actually the most popular song right now, it sounds so much like a different song by them but I can't pinpoint it. Vic the Butcher is pretty good, reminds me a little of My Chemical Romance though, really pissed-off teenager-y. YEAH LETS BURN IT DOWN! Ha ha. It's sort of fun though, listenable. I'll even put it on my favorite rock list... See if I like it more after I let it sink in after a couple listens.

Evagria the Faithful... Long intro. Yes, this extremely progressive. This song is actually okay, this might be my favorite song so far on this album even if it's the least popular thus far on Spotify. I think that's just how it is with last tracks of albums though, they don't get listened too. Most people get sick of an artist by the 11th song. It's still popular though, the whole album is of course because it's Coheed! All of their music is consistent high quality, I mean I've been listening to these albums for years. 

Just, yeah, I probably shouldn't tell Katelynn the extent that I dislike this album and how much I've tried to get adjusted enough to enjoy it these past few weeks.


Thursday, October 25, 2012

Ha, one week and I'm out of shape?

Or maybe my body is really exausted because I'm kind of sick. I think that's what it is. Maybe it's not a good idea for me to be working out tonight, but I just had a big meal from dairy queen and I think some exercise can help rev me up for my study session here in a minute...

Didn't get anything done today. It's 7:00 and not one thing is checked off my list. Jed came over last night at midnight after he got done studying. We ate some brownies, watched netflix, had a really good night. I've REALLY got to get some work done tomorrow and I'm hoping if I get to bed by 11 tonight I can feel better tomorrow than I did today.

But yeah, Jed and I had a really good time. After we hadn't talked in four days I thought I'd text him a picture of a tattoo I'm thinking of getting..

Isn't that amazing? It would represent a beginning of a new transition of happiness in my life due to the power of music and how much happier it has made me. 

I really need to branch out on the guitar though. I need to start learning to play new songs, even if they're just easy songs.. Every musician should make it a top priority to learn a wide variety of songs. Personally I've always focused more on the technical aspect because the process of finding new songs can be very frustrating. 

Anyway when I showed him the tattoo he was over pretty quickly. He's sooo attractive, I absolutely love being around him. I can barely remember anything we talked about last night. I now know he has a younger sister. He went to school in Silverdale, which is sort of near Bremerton I believe. He likes food "with gravy." Ha ha ha, like I asked him what his favorite foods are and he said "like.. stuff with gravy." 

I feel like I've told him a little about myself but we've barely scratched the surface. There's a lot I haven't told him just because you want to put yourself in the best light possible the first couple times you hang out with someone. I'm sure there's a lot he hasn't told me, too. It'll all come in good time if we continue to spend time together. I'm secretly really stoked about the time Jed and I spent together, even if I'm trying not to be too stoked because you just never know. I want to play things by ear and not make him feel pressured in any way. I don't want to rush into anything but the fact that I know he doesn't want a relationship makes it hard to trust that he's going to stick around in my life. . . so I try not to get attached or even believe that he has genuine feelings for me at all. 

Anyway gotta get some work done. Feel like crap so wish me luck. 

Completely dismantled bedroom...


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Excuse that post earlier....

Honestly you guys, I get so hung up over nothing.

So it's 4:00. Thus far today I've studied accounting for an hour, played guitar for about an hour or so, dinked around on facebook, made myself some lunch... Yadda yadda. Not too much going on. Like I said earlier I have been having some chest pain but I don't think it's anything. I'm going to go to the doctor for it probably in the next couple weeks though just to make sure. It's always better to be safe than sorry. 

I had my second math test today. I feel... alright about it, though I worry that I didn't do certain steps correctly. I probably didn't study for that as much as I should have, a lot has been on my mind lately with my accounting test results and trying to get caught up in my legal class. Speaking of which, I have to do my chapter 12 assignment tonight which is going to be somewhat of a hindrance because I also have to study the packet for the midterm next Monday. It's going to feel really nice to have that out of the way.

As you can see I now have a weekly goal sheet. This is something else that Jacob had recommended I do but I'd never had such a need to monitor everything that needed to get done from week to week. I feel like if I do everything on this list, the time between now and next tuesday will be significantly more stress free than last week. 

Damn, I have to do my math assignment. I'll tty guys later!


Monday, October 22, 2012

A fresh start, round 2.

My friend Kevin is extremely helpful. Period.

He came over tonight after law class and helped me with a few of my assignments that I hadn't gotten done because I was away this weekend and helped me get caught up. Tomorrow I've got ANOTHER legal assignment (Chapter 12) that I have to submit and we've barely lectured on chapter 9 in class yet. At least the homework allows the class to stay somewhat ahead of the game.

I've got my midterm in there this next Monday. I figure if I do one of the study guides every day I will satisfy that grade. That's six times going over last year's midterm of 150 questions. Each run though the test should take me about an hour and a half. That test is going to be difficult but if I study the midterm extremely well I should have a good shot at getting above a B.

Okay so I got my accounting grade on the first test. I failed just like I thought I did... BUT. I got a 61% so that's still 60% of the points. That's not a hole I can't get myself out of. I can't afford another bad grade but I am going to work extremely hard for the next two tests. It's just a matter of making sure I get at least an hour a day. Granted some days are going to take longer than others (like Tuesdays when I've got homework) but on those other 5 days if I really make a point to both take care of myself and do a solid hour of studying a day I should really improve in that class. I've been doing flash cards too.

Holtfreter knows that I'm working really hard. I actually came to his office today to pick up the overhead slides for chapter 11 but he told me he'd left them at home and pretty much kicked me out. It's okay, he's busy, but damn he'd told me the previous week to come to his office to get help but my effort was pretty fruitless. Regardless, I'm going to continue to show up, every day that I have class about an hour before class begins to get the overhead slides...

Burnadette P. also offered to study with me before the test. It doesn't look like the professor is going to jumble up the groups so that's good... I don't see why he would, the distribution of failure is pretty even throughout the classroom. There were 8 A's, 5 or 6 B's, a few C's, a few D's and 12 F's. More F's than anything. This really sweet Vietnamese girl is studying as hard as I am and she failed as bad as I did. Shannon D. got a D-. We're all trying our absolute hardest, that test was bullcrap.

He did say that he is going to adjust the exam for the next one somehow. I'm really hoping I feel more confident on the next one. I know I'll feel less nervous, that is if I'm able to get my permit for test anxiety on November 6th. I'm sure I'll have the next accounting test before then but maybe not, I just don't know... Everything has been going so fast, I don't even know what week this is technically. That might be a good thing to keep track of.

That 60% was when I was running on 60% of my health. For the rest of the quarter I'm going to eat healthy, sleep well, stay focused... Work my hardest, like always. This, by far, has been my hardest quarter I've ever taken.

Oh! On top of everything else I've got a math test tomorrow. I feel pretty confident about the material... I worked on most of the problems a couple times today, I'm still a little shaky on some of them but I'll figure it out tomorrow morning. I'm going to wake up at 5 to squeeze an hour in before the test like I like to do.

Ugh, this blows, I didn't get to play guitar all day today but I've got to get a good night sleep tonight. It's already 11 and it takes me a little while to actually go to sleep.

No word from Jed, all day. No word from him yesterday, all day. I'm beginning to think he doesn't want to talk to me anymore... He probably got freaked out thinking I wanted some relationship even though I didn't want him to jump to that conclusion at all. Like he kept on asking me questions about it and if I was looking for one. I told him that I honestly wouldn't mind being in one at this point, having it's been almost two years since I've been in one... but no, that must've scared him away. Why do guys ask these questions if it's just going to freak them out? Isn't it just better to go with the flow?

I don't want to think about Jed right now, really that's one of the last things really concerning me.... I guess if he is trying to cut off and that's the last time I see him then I've just gotta accept it and move on, what else can I do? Everything will work out eventually, I just hate it when I get a tiny taste of feeling of absolute satisfaction in my life (because the feeling of affection toward anyone is the only thing missing) and it goes away. I relished in the thought of us being together for about two days. And now it's over I guess. Shit. lol.

This picture is my new cover on facebook, it's some art from Mastodon but it seems like a pretty accurate representation of my stress level since I've arrived here. I feel so discouraged a lot of the time... I always feel like I'm not smart enough and it's frustrating. 


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Prissy prissy princess.

Well I had a fun weekend.

I went home yesterday evening to see my sister off to her last homecoming, visit with my parents, see Katelynn and more than anything just get my bearings after this hard week of poor health.

Here's Avery and Jimmy. Avery got homecoming princess. She went with Denae, Denae's boyfriend, Cora M., some cute date that Cora brought, and Denae's little sister. They took pictures out in the yard and I made sure to make a quick appearance and get a snapspot with Avery and Denae. I was just goofing around, holding a thumbs up in the picture and Avery is like, "Shut up... Shut up.." under her breath. Wow! Thanks for taking the air out of everything when I was just trying to have a good time! 

That's so typical of my sister though. Anytime I try to have fun she always acts like I'm acting out of line. No Avery, I'm not acting out of line, you're acting like a snob. Anytime I'd say anything she'd either ignore me or act like I was destroying her evening. 

I don't really care anymore about that, I'm happy my sister got her crown, woop dee doo. I think they're pretty happy homecoming is over, they had a pretty long cheerleading season from what my mom has told me. Katelynn and I had a pretty good time watching from an outside perspective. The dates always look so uncomfortable in their formal clothes, it's cute. I know the feeling though, I always felt super uncomfortable getting all dolled up and would usually rip off the formal garb the second I'd get home...

My Dad took me to Shari's this morning because he needed a ride to work to pick up a company car. He's going to Olympia for the next couple weeks. The visit with Dad went really well, I made him laugh really hard when I told him about my plans to get a cop car if my stratus poops out. He's been really generous with money lately, he's always helped me out when we see eachother because he wants money to be the last thing I'm stressed about... He knows how stressful these classes have been for me, too.

Yawn, I'm getting so tired... This next week should be interesting. No word from Jed all day today, who knows maybe last night is the last time I'll hear from him.


Saturday, October 20, 2012

So I met Jed. : )

Stoked is probably an understatement. Yes that's Jed, in my room, with my guitar. Score.

A couple days ago Burnadette, her roommate and I went to Fred Meyers and they helped me pick out some groceries. Burnadette has been excellent in offering me advice concerning being overwhelmed with school and my poor eating habits...

Anyway when we got back to my apartment complex with the groceries there was some "block party" thing going on. There were a few stands, 88.1 was there playing music and there were some clubs advertising. I spotted Jed and we made eye contact, but of course I was really nervous to talk to him even though I knew that this was my chance. He was standing with the filipeno club at a stand, it was really cold out. 

I had walked back and forth between my apartment and my car a couple times to get the groceries out of my car and stood in my living room for a minute wondering if I should go out there and talk to him. I figured now was a better time than ever because it's a public event so I went back out and started checking out each of the booths. All of the booths were for ethnic clubs, none of which was particularly interested in but hey... free candy. 

When I got to Jed's booth he asked, "So are you just white or what?" I sort of cracked up, asking him some random questions about the club but not really listening to his responses on it, I was more concerned with how I was going to get his number. I told him I'd just moved into Central and didn't know very many people so he offered to swap numbers with me. Score. 

We were texting that evening for about an hour before he asked what I was up to that night. I didn't really have other plans, a friend of mine had sort of flaked out so I didn't mind putting that off. He told me he played the guitar too and I told him I had a guitar he could use. 

He busted in; he didn't even knock, like suddenly I turned around and he was in my room. We hit it off pretty quickly, he seems to have the same sort of sense of humor that I do. I showed him the Hollywood Complex and he thought was brilliant so that was an immediate plus. 

He was also of course very impressed by my guitar skills. He plays well but he's self taught so of course he was very interested in my methods. I found it very difficult to explain anything to him, his eyes are beautiful

His friend came over around 10:30 PM. Jed had been getting a ton of texts/calls since he'd got to my place so you can tell he's got a lot of friends; I like that.. But obviously unlike Jack he'd actually be willing to get away from his friends for two seconds to spend time with me, which is another plus. Anyway, Jed's friend (shown right in the picture above) showed up and we left to get some taco bell and--  I didn't really know what else the plan was, I was just along for the ride. We ended up just coming back to my apartment after getting food. I ordered a Cantina bowl, ate about three bites of it and tossed it. Taco Bell just wasn't good that night for some reason. 

After his friend left Jed and I hit it off pretty well, I got to know him a little bit better as the night went on. I'll write some of what he told me here so I can keep the details straight. 

Jed's 22, gonna turn 23 in January. He was just in a 1 year 2 month relationship that he just ended a couple months ago with some girl that he didn't really like so he's telling me that he wants to bh e single for awhile. He's full filipeno, his Mom moved over here to be with his Dad when he was ten (technically stepdad). He didn't know any English. He's an electrical engineering major, he's in his last year at Central. I don't know if he has any siblings. I also know that he's taking linear algebra this quarter and I'm wondering if he's taking it with Jason T. 

Ha ha, he came over this morning too and crashed on my couch...

I try not to get too excited about these sort of things. I've really learned to just go with the flow and not expect anything from this aspect of my life but even if that was the last time I see him (which I doubt, but you just never know..) I'm still stoked I got to meet him and hang out a couple times. It's a start. I definitely like him so I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes, if anywhere. 

What's really funny about all this is that he's actually had his eye on me for awhile too, so during that time that I was crushing on "a complete stranger" he was doing the same back-- that's never happened to me before. 

In other news I went to lunch with Reina on Friday. We went to Kiku-chan for sushi and Reina laughed at me because I dumped a bunch of sugar in my green tea. She's like "What are you doing?!" I guess Japanese people don't do that! Strange, I always thought green tea was too bitter without it. 

I gotta get some study done... I've been breaking my accounting study sessions in 45 minute periods which has been helping me retain the information a little better. I'm in Benton city right now, I came back to see Katelynn but also got a chance to see my sister go off to homecoming with Jimmy, Denae, Cora M., and their dates. Denae's younger sister was with them too but she didn't seem too happy to be there. 

My sister of course looked fabulous but she was being a complete brat. She always acts humiliated by me and it pisses me off at times but what's new. 


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Neat! I live close to a haunted "hot spot."

I studied for five solid hours today....

I only had to spend an hour on math, function graphs aren't terribly difficult after all. I actually skipped class this morning because I was tossing and turning all night because of the stress. It was awful... I thought the stress would have alleviated somewhat after hanging out with my new friend Kevin but it didn't. I just have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that my score on the test tomorrow is going to be a flat out bomb, I mean 30%.... THAT. Horrible. It was the hardest test I've ever taken and it's going to make the rest of this quarter a fight.

I know what I have to do now in that accounting class-- flash cards, flash cards, flash cards. I'm going to memorize the formulas to prepare for the test instead of memorizing the concepts. Even the concepts on the test though, everything felt so fuzzy to me...

Which is making me rethink participating in a certain habit of mine as frequently as I do. I'm going to cut back majorly in order to better retain this information that I'm trying to memorize every day. It just sucks, there really isn't a break from this nonstop study regime and now that I had a blow from that test it's going to become even more of a struggle to catch up.

The next accounting test is over chapters 13, 8 and 11. I'm working on 11 right now, dealing with turnover ratio and margins and how they relate to a manager's performance. I'm going to have to work so hard on these chapters to raise my grade in the class.

There's only a total of three tests with an optional cumulative final at the end of the quarter on December 5th. So technically speaking, if I completely f*cked this last test, which I'm sure I did, I can take the final and drop that low score. That means, however, that I will have to work extremely hard to RETAIN the information that I'm learning from the chapters. I think flash cards will help me a lot. I'm going to make flash cards for the old chapter's formulas too.


But it's going to take a lot of work. I'm going to set a mandatory study amount of four hours a day, including weekends. I'm hoping if I do this I'll be able to sometimes have Saturday open, like this Saturday for instance  Katelynn and I are going to the bars in Richland. This is going to be my first time going to a bar so it'll be interesting. I have to go back to the tri cities and see my family this weekend I decided, I get really tired of Ellensburg really fast.

Wow, I've only been here a month and I'm sick of Ellensburg? Okay, it's not THAT bad here... it's just annoying when there's nothing to do just like there's nothing to do in the tri cities. You see other students that are going to Western and they're always posting pictures of all the crazy, fun college nonsense they're going and it makes me wonder how the Hell they're keeping up with their classes with all those distractions. University classes go FAST. At least the ones I'm in, and I'm sure it's just as intense in other majors if not more so... I can only imagine the crap Jason is having to do right now. Physics makes me cringe.

So get this, while looking for a random picture of Ellensburg to spice up this wall of text I located this article:

I guess a girl hung herself from the rafters of the top floor when she got news that her fiance died in the war and there's been reports of hearing noises and knocking on doors. 

Here's another article on this. How eerie, that building never really stood out to me but now I'm excited to hopefully get a chance to go in and check out the top floor. Probably not this week because I broke my bike chain and won't feel like doing any extra walking but I'd like to get a chance to check it out. I don't know if I can walk into the residence hall without a key though. 

Bahh, it's 10:30, I've still got accounting to do before bed or I'm going to be bumming tomorrow. There was an ABSURD amount of homework even if we JUST had a test yesterday... ugh.


Monday, October 15, 2012

FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKKKK. Sink or swim, baby.

I'm almost sure I failed my first accounting test, but at least I now know what to expect. That was the hardest test I've ever taken, I didn't show my work on practically any of it, and I know what I have to do.

The test was huge, all multiple choice, 75 questions.... I almost immediately knew I was fucked when I looked at how the questions were worded and how you had absolutely no hints on how to perform the calculations. I probably would have done much better had I the time to really think about each individual question, considering I only had an hour and a half. Worst of all, you have to show your work, so for all the questions that I didn't show my work even if I guessed correctly I still got it wrong.

OH. And worst of all, I forgot my four-function calculator on my fucking desk at home so I had to work with  the professor's ancient calculator that didn't work for shit and had sticky keys and a sideways 6.

So today was not my day. I just need to remember that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now, and all I can do is study harder and move forward.

What I need to do is find a way to make sure I do a solid 2 hours a studying each day for each class so that I'm not focusing all of my energy on one class one day and then sort of spacing on other material. I think if I do that from here on out I'll be guaranteed to survive this quarter. I just don't know how to find the time to do anything besides study lately.

I've just gotta stay up later, wake up earlier, try to conceptualize the material, TRY to stay relaxed, try to find time to EAT.... Because literally I barely even make time for that anymore which is why I've been losing weight.

So this, again, is a sink or swim situation. My new day-to-day schedule is now going to look like this, every day:

1. 2 hours accounting

2. 1 hour math

3. 2 hours Legal

4. 2 hours Guitar

For every day that I don't have Legal and accounting class. I can only set my goal for math at 1 hour a day because realistically I know that I won't study math for two hours. If I can stick to this I can guarantee I won't fail my classes.

I just thought last week was enough.... But I gotta work harder. Five hours a day is do-able, it's like a full time job.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

All these pictures turned out horrible. 
So I'll only put them up on the blog. That and I don't know if Jack would necessarily want me advertising that we spent time together. 

But yeah, Jack and I hung out. First time in what, like two years? We caught up. Woo. I invited him over to "jam" but I really just wanted to be able to show him what I could do since the last time we'd hung out. I don't know, I can't really improvise with anyone. 

I don't even know what to say right now. I'm surprised as f*ck that we actually did.... Maybe I'll have more to say about this tomorrow. I'm going to study for my legal class tonight... Tomorrow I've got my first accounting test at 10:00 AM so I should probably get more prepared for that tonight. 


Saturday, October 13, 2012

I love rye bread.

Today's been an extremely productive Saturday, I'm pretty proud of myself. When I really set my mind to it, I get sh*t done.

This morning I went to safeway and bought groceries. I spent like $75 on replenishing the things I tend to consume almost every day; like chicken patties, apples, grapes, milk, bread.. I have a pretty simple diet, but I do eat really healthy which can get expensive. I have to stockpile the freezer with frozen veggies to squeeze in a serving with dinner.

I loooove Rye bread, this was $5 versus all the other loafs that were $2.99 or so. 

One thing that I do splurge on when I grocery shop is bread. Whenever I grocery shop I'll get the best loaf of bread I can find and a bag of fresh bagels. I love Rye bread, my family never bought it so I feel some weird sense of independence buying it just because I like it. That's one of the many reasons living alone with a little money saved up is fun. 

Coffee is so expensive, I bought Folgers French roast today which is a medium-dark blend so I'm excited to try that tomorrow. I also got my Monsters for Monday and Wednesday. 

Another reason today was noticeably good was because I studied math for two entire hours and I've got a much better grasp on functions now. Turns out I gave way less credit to Montgomery than he deserved. While I was looking for the blackboard examples I stumbled upon a complete guide for the chapter written by Montgomery himself. Everything is worded very clearly in this document and has been MUCH more helpful than the worthless pre-calc textbook that I've been trying to use.

Even the professor hates that textbook... That's why he wrote his own. That makes me pretty relieved because all this time I thought I was only going to have my chicken scratch notes as a resource in that math class. 

Yeah, I really don't have much to say today. I'll probably play more guitar and study accounting tonight, normal day I suppose. This next week shouldn't be too bad if I study hard this weekend. Tomorrow I've got to take the Chapter 5/6 quiz for my legal class, that'll be easy enough because we've moved from the legal system to tort laws so it's a bit more interesting. 

Holtfreter told us he's going to send us the test format to study this weekend so I'm gonna check that out tonight to get a better feel for what's going to be on the test for Monday. I don't know if he was planning on e-mailing it to us or what because we haven't used the internet at all in his class. Hopefully I'll be able to find it...

This has just been a lot of uninteresting school blah blah, excuse me. At least I feel peaceful and not particularly stressed about anything. 


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Had a crush. Sabotaged a friendship to lose the crush, wow...

I've been listening to the album Clockwork angels by Rush today.

I haven't really been in a heavy metal mood because I'm feeling better today than I have the past few days, but I'm definitely not feeling Gaga either. This album is pretty calm, with enough musical quality to keep me entertained. It's kind of feel good, too... in some strange, trippy Rush way. I'm not very good at describing how I feel about albums. This just suits my mood, that's all I can say. Go listen to the album.

 I've been losing too much weight lately, it's kind of freaking me out. I haven't been very good about preparing food for myself, sometimes I'll just feel lazy or so engrossed in what I'm working on that I don't want to eat. I guess you could say I eat to live, not live to eat. I'll eat when I'm hungry and feel satisfied quickly, it's rare that I snack out of boredom.

One of the main reasons I've grown accustomed to eating so few calories is that I try not to snack while I practice because the fret board gets greasy. When you do anything for three hours a day, it's bound to put a strain on other things. I've been watching documentaries about obsessions on Netflix and though I'm not NEARLY as extreme as those crazy people I certainly see similar tendencies with my practicing. Who cares though-- I'm a typical guitarist that's actually serious about it, I'm sure Steve Vai practiced all day long.

So I totally f*cked up any chances I might have otherwise had with Jed yesterday! Ha ha, that tiny crush led me to the point of completely destroying Patrick and I's friendship and it initially made me a little sad but now that I realize WHY I did it I'm much more forgiving of myself...

The whole situation frustrated me because it felt out of my control. I had a crush on someone that I knew I wouldn't be able to bring myself to talk to because he doesn't accept friend requests/messages on facebook. I knew that the only way I could talk to him is to continue to spend time with Patrick, which made me feel awful because I knew he had feelings for me... And I'd told him I didn't want a relationship, then going after his friend. It went against my moral code, so thinking of the situation rang in my head over and over again, while simultaneously thinking of this person that I didn't even know...

So I told Patrick. Told him that I had some weird crush on his friend, I had no idea why, and that if I ever did talk to him that I was sorry. It was worded more carefully than that, mind you, but when it comes down to it that's what it said. 

I knew it wasn't the right thing to say. I put the shoe on the other foot and I would be absolutely appalled by this girl who I'd just taken on a date, helped with her math homework, bought a birthday gift... But I had to tell him because I think subconsciously I knew that was the only way I'd destroy this crush I'd developed that  put a strain on my thoughts.

 It put a burden on me because I was thinking about him and wondering if I'd see him when I walked back to my apartment. Because I saw him like... literally three days in a row suddenly my mind was keeping an eye out for him. I think it's understandable, I mean he's not a complete, complete stranger because of the fact that I made direct eye contact, and I know he knows who I am because he knows I'm Patrick's (well, now ex-) friend.

But yeah, sabotaged that one. Patrick pretty much responded like, "Wow I can't believe you'd actually tell me that, I knew you liked him but you didn't have to tell me..." And I knew I shouldn't have, but my mind kept rolling the thought over in my head over and over again for three days that I finally had too.

I think it was just the only way I could get away from the crush I had... Because I don't want to have a crush on someone that I can't talk too. It would leave me wondering every time I walked passed that damn building. It's just sad that I had to sacrifice Patrick and I's friendship to be freed from it. Because I guess initially I thought, well, if I tell Patrick then he won't be surprised if I suddenly start talking to him... but in reality I really should have known that no, you actually won't, so why are you telling Patrick? What good can come of that?

I have no good answer. Patrick and I will no longer be communicating. There's no bitter feelings there, necessarily  even if I'm sure he's not too fond of me. But the crush is now relieved because I feel like there's now NO chance there versus before when I was thinking, "Okay maybe today I'll talk to him... Nope, fuck you walked by you should have said something wtf!!" No. I just want to walk, or bike home. And think about my classes and what I have planned for the evening, not if I'm going to see this person that I don't even know. Because I'm assuming now if Jed actually knew how seriously I took this stupid crush of mine he would not want anything to do with me. I doubt Patrick has even mentioned it to him. If that's true, that's probably for the best.

John R. and his girlfriend. I originally met John in a prog music station, we exchange a lot of music.
He's a veteran Dream Theater fan, too.

I talked to my friend John today about this just to get a guy's perspective on it. Last night I was able to uncover my reasoning behind why I did it when I was talking to my Mom on the phone. John told me he went through the same exact shit that I'm going through and the less I worry about it the better. He basically promised me that everything will fall into place eventually. We had a really good discussion earlier today and it's hard for me to explain just what he said. 

It's hard to entirely not give a shit about it, but I can definitely say I'm not half as worried about it when I have absolutely NO love interest versus when I have my eye/mind on someone. It distracts me from what's important; like studying, my guitar, etc... and if something's going to distract me I like to make for damn sure there's at least a chance there. And since I didn't feel there was going to be one in the circumstances involved, I had to cut things off from Patrick to stop convincing myself that I'd actually be a bad enough person to have interest in his best friend. 

It sucks, I didn't like that experience and I'm glad it's over. It's probably better that I did that now than later... At least I feel more at peace now that I don't have to worry about it. 


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

What does being in love even feel like?

Well my studying today paid off.

For the first time on a Wednesday I didn't feel completely lost in my classes... except for Math, the way that he's teaching us functions has me completely lost, and by the looks of it half the class is in the same boat. He actually called on me today saying, "You don't get it." Why do professors always read that on my face?

Here's what's on the menu this upcoming week:
-Accounting test on Monday
-Ch. 5/6 test due Tuesday for law (I'll get this done easily)
-Have the ability to not only understand functions but be able to graph them. That's going to be an absolute nightmare.

So right now obviously accounting should be the first priority but really this weekend is going to focus more on getting caught up on math. I absolutely cannot get behind on this because Montgomery goes FAST and I need to be on top of what he's saying to pass that class. I don't consider my first test grade much of a success because he's going to have tests semi-regularly now and the material is going to get harder and harder five days a week. It's not like Accounting and law where I have a day.

Ideally, this weekend I'd like to study about five hours a day. That's what I've been doing lately, 3-5 hours and I've been keeping up pretty well. It's a full time job, I'm lucky if I even have time to play guitar.

This weekend I'm going to have lunch with Reina, maybe going to movie night with Sarah H. and *maybe* jamming with this one guy I met named Adam and his bassist. The later two depend on how much work I've gotten done for the day.

Love has been bothering me a lot lately. Today this really sweet Thai girl that's in my accounting class asked me if I had a boyfriend and said that she couldn't believe that I didn't because I'm "so pretty." I really wish that dictated anything but it doesn't. Yeah, I guess it would increase my chances of a particular person that I'm attracted to being physically attracted to me back but does it actually increase my likelihood of finding someone that's right for me? No, probably not.

So I posted that picture shown above today to sort of show my depression/feeling of hopelessness about it lately. It makes me want to cry every almost every day at some point, even if everything else in my life is going well... It's a burden, and it's been getting worse, particularly in the evenings when I'm stressed out about classes and want someone to talk to.

I just try to fill that void in my life with the guitar, in some way it makes me feel loved because it's a daily reminder of how much I should love myself. Seriously what person is f*cking crazy enough to play the guitar three hours a day for five months straight until she knows how to shred? Apparently I am, and I'm happy to carry that title that I've still been playing for less than a year. Imagine how good I'll become if I stay single for another year (hahaha). That really has been the good that's come out being alone has been truly finding my own identity at such a young age. I don't have many questions about who I am, what my plan is in life, what strengths and weaknesses are... Not very many 21 year old's can say the same.

I'm starting to realize how many coping devices my mind has found to deal with these feelings these past couple years. My excessive studying, my three hours of guitar playing, my exercising... All of it boils down to wanting a HIGHER self worth, trying to improve so that I don't care if I have anyone or not. All I need is me. And it's worked, I look back in 2011 when I used to get completely disrespected by men and I'd put up with it because I didn't think I deserved any better.

But I've found there really is no way of making your mind completely stop thinking about it, no matter how much you try to suppress it, because it's not natural. There's something instinctively that drives us to find companionship in another human being, and when you don't have it for a certain amount of time your mind begins to bother you until you go out and make some stupid mistake (like settling for someone) just to feel loved again.

And that's what I've tried to avoid more than anything with the guitar is to stop needing it to the point that I would settle for someone else. I've set my standards at a certain place and refuse to deter from them because it would be a waste of time. That, and, after being single for two years I'd like to wait until I find someone that actually has potential to become "love."

Because I've never been in love. I've certainly been attracted to guys, I've dated, been in some relationships (most of which I couldn't say improved my life but actually caused MORE problems/stress/depression that I was HAPPY when it was over).. but I've never been in love.

And it's hard.

It's painful.

It's distracting.

But there's nothing I can do about it and there's no end in sight. 

I think the reason that it's bothering me now more than ever is because I've become so satisfied with the direction that my life is going that I feel like now would be the appropriate time for that aspect of my life to give me just a *little* satisfaction but I guess not yet. 

And for that reason I fucking hate the phrase "It will come when you least expect it."  because the longer you wait the more you want something good to happen.

That's all I really had to say. It was literally the first thing I thought of this morning and now I'm not going to let it be the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It's 8:05 pm, I think tonight I'll study an hour of math and play guitar, probably go to sleep around 11'. I'd say I've got a "big day of study" tomorrow but because it seems like every day is like that here. Still, because I have no plans other than my math class I'm shooting for six hours tomorrow. 


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I'm sorry for being the biggest bitch on the planet, but...

Gah! I'm so lame...

If he has a green backpack, which I vaguely remember he does, I saw him again... what is this like, the fifth time, and I didn't even look over or smile or anything. I'm pretty sure it was him, and he just happen to skate by the second I was walking past the building he lives in. I was listening to my music and looking straight ahead so I could see why he wouldn't talk to me if it was him and if he actually had any intention of talking to me at all. Probably not, I'm assuming this crush on this complete stranger of mine is very one sided so I don't need to start trying to convince myself otherwise. 

But because his facebook is entirely restricted to people that aren't his friends if I ever wanted to talk to him I would straight have to walk up to him and say something which I don't want to do. Nobody would ever want to do that. But obviously he's still on my mind, I don't have any interest in anyone else, I feel like a sitting duck. The only other way I could get ahold of him is through a different friend of mine (who I just met so we're not close enough friends that he wouldn't not talk to me again if he knew I liked his friend). I haven't been very subtle in hinting that I'd like to talk to him but I highly doubt he's brought me up.  

I've decided that if he's still on my mind by this Saturday and haven't gotten the chance to talk to him I'm going to text my friend and admit to him that I'm crushing on his friend, apologize for being the biggest bitch on the planet, and ask if he knows a way I could meet him. They're best friends here at school though, it's like me dating someone that Katelynn has a crush on and spent time with. 

So that's the plan.... By waiting until Saturday I might soften the blow of what could be really disappointing for this friend of mine. But I at least have to try, the worst thing that could happen is him just saying "No, he wouldn't be interested." or something like that. Or by not replying, nevermind that would be worse.

And who cares if he doesn't want to talk to me! I've got absolutely nothing to lose. I'm at the point that I don't like anybody, again, so clearly my heart has been looking around for someone in that realm to focus on but it probably picked another bad choice simply because of the circumstances.

Jessika never stops uploading pictures of her and her boyfriend Roman. Like they must be continually taking pictures every five minutes when their together because it's like Jessika's trying to say to everyone on facebook, "LOOK! Look how happy we are!" She got lucky, she hooked one, I just couldn't imagine any guy that would be willing to put up with her obnoxiously grotesque, demanding personality. So yeah, in a way it does irk me, admittedly.

I see myself and I think of how much I have to offer-- I'm beautiful, talented, intelligent, I'm a decent cook, I present myself well, I don't have many hangups like other girls... Yet I've been alone for a year and ten months now. My soul feels STARVING for some kind of companionship and it's hard because I'm hardly attracted to anyone. So many things turn me off, ever since I started playing music I have such high standards for myself it's hard to get on that same level with anyone else. 

Speaking of which, I'm taking my guitar to the shop today. There's a music store in town and I'm sure it's open on Tuesdays at 10 AM. If not I give up with this town, I swear. That's really all I've got planned other than some accounting homework, my math assignment... and I should probably read chapter 7 in my legal class too. Typical day.