I apologize for the "poor me" freak out the other night. I had some wine in my system and was dwelling on a situation that I really have no control over. I realize now that Taylor is going to make his own decision who he wants to be with, which unfortunately appears to be leaning more toward Julia then me. They've been together two years, I appeared in his life randomly recently and left the tri-cities right afterward. They live in the same town so she's got more access to him and I'm sure he likes the comfort of having someone there. I just hope that if he decides to stay with her that he tells me and leaves me alone.
I don't know. We'll see what happens if I ever get the opportunity to meet him again but that's in fate's hands. I'm not going to pursue spending time with him any harder than I have before because last time I put my faith in him showing up I was very let down. Even if I thought he wasn't going to show up in the first place regardless of him telling me he wasn't going to flake over and over again. I just have a 6th sense about this kind of thing.
I'm still attracted to him. Which I hate to say because part my mind wants me to not want me to be attracted to anyone right now because I'm so preoccupied with schoolwork and any drama in my life will only distract me. I guess part of me wants that happiness that comes with being with someone and the other part of me is telling me that the risk of it is too high.
There are a couple other guys that have clearly been into me and hitting me up lately but it seems like my heart is having tunnel vision like when I first met Terry. You start comparing guys that like you to the guy you like and because I have attraction toward so few men it's way harder for me to settle for someone who I'm not totally attracted too when I suddenly *do* start liking someone.
Okay, I'm not going to talk about this anymore. Seriously.
Today started out kind of rough. I accidentally slept through my alarm again after not being able to sleep until 7 am. This was my fault because I had totally over-caffeinated myself the night before trying to study some math from my micro class to little avail. So ironically I MISSED the class that I was studying for because I was so stressed out about not getting the material the previous night.
Yesterday I also got my resume ready for the career fair today. That went really well. I met a lot of potential employers and got tons of business cards, pamphlets etc about different companies I could apply for that *are* looking for recent undergrads. That makes me happy because there's no way I'm going to be able to get a job this quarter after all. My schoolwork is harder than it has been all year and the majority of my quarters last year.
Advanced business law has been really interesting but there's just a lot of reading. I'm a slow-ish reader and it usually takes me a couple times to grasp all the information I need so this class has been very time consuming. On top of that I've got my extremely difficult intermediate microeconomics class that is using calculus that I haven't learned yet so I had to come to the math tutoring center today to get help.
I'm sitting in the library right now. After I write this blog entry I plan to head home, make dinner and do the dishes before I start tackling my first law case study. Metiner pretty much roped me into doing this when I hadn't even looked at the case yet but I figure knocking this project out early while the material isn't as complicated as it could potentially get could be a good thing. The case I'm doing is about who gets the proceeds to the sale of cows, a case that I had already read the brief summary of out of the book and Metiner actually explained in class. I'm not worried about it.
I guess my one worry is that I get home and get too distracted to get any work done which has a tendency to happen. But because this case study is due tomorrow my back is against the wall and I should have the motivation to work until about midnight tonight.
My sleep schedule has been absolutely f'ed since that shitty Friday night waiting for Taylor to get to my house and flaking at the last minute. It got me on this cycle of staying up super late and taking a huge nap during the day that I haven't been able to shake and has made it extremely hard to wake up on time for my micro class. Hopefully tonight will improve this. If I force myself to go to bed at a decent time it should and I didn't take a huge nap today so I should be tired at a decent time unlike the last few nights.
Talk to you guys later.