Thursday, July 9, 2015

I'm back peeps, but not here. Follow me


I'm sorry about leaving you all high and dry (ha ha) but my last living situation didn't permit me much privacy. I look forward to telling you all about the hell I experienced in my last relationship, my last quarter at CWU, about my new hobbies since moving home, etc... But prefer not to here.

Why? Because "Momentum of Thought" was what he had written across his door surrounded by tens of other tips and reminders on how to behave. We were trying to live this lifestyle where we had a "positive momentum of thought" and anytime I would talk about anything that deviated from that he would just say "Negative!" No moral support, nothing. Pretty much just like, "shut up, I don't care to listen about your problems." But God forbid I didn't drop what I was doing to help him.

 College really was an incredible experience in my life.

That relationship really took my life out of my own hands for a month and a half but thankfully my parents and friends were able to see through his manipulative bullshit (coupled with getting robbed, and being treated like crap) and were happy to get me out of there. My Mom moved me into Jacob's house, then out 3 days later, then into a dormitory on campus for the last two weeks of school. It really was a crazy ending to the roller coaster ride that was college. I'm hoping I did manage to capture some of that in this blog even if there were a lot of days when I wanted to write but I couldn't figure out how to log into this damn account.

....SO NOW... there's a BRAND new blog! That I will actually be able to log into because I'm now going to be only using ONE account for applying for jobs and ONE ACCOUNT for LinkedIn, etc. Ugh it frustrates me so I bad, I can't remember the email I used for my most recent linked in account that actually looks really good so I had to start it over a third time. I don't even want to add my connections until I find a way to delete the old one.

Anyway here's my lovely new url:

Onto my real adult life! yay


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

"S.O.S Day 2" From gasping for air to getting my composure

So as you guys know I came to the conclusion I have to work harder to turn my grades by the end of the quarter (the next four weeks or so)..

 I had another bump in the road last night when I spent hours trying to do well on a quiz and again got a terrible score... 47%. Which I partially blamed on Jacob because we shared answers with eachother and the ones we got different answers on I switched to his answers... and ended up getting a bunch of those wrong and my original answers were right. Because Jacob and I take turns submitting it first so nobody has an advantage, he was right to get frustrated when I flipped out on him for my bad score. I guess I more or less learned my lesson to not completely abandon my own judgement and go with my own gut feelings on answers. I shouldn't just abandon my own work for Jacob's answer because regardless of that fact that he's getting way better grades than me overall, a lot of his answers are decided by intuition and guessing instead of bothering to work through the whole process like I tend to do (which unfortunately tends to take a huge amount of time). Both of our methods work independently but learning to work together is something we could really improve on.

There's going to be another economics midterm in a couple days. I feel like my grasp on this chapter is -slightly- better than the first set but better safe than sorry. Today I spent about 3 hours just working my own copies of the excel templates. Jacob's templates made an extremely convenient reference for using those formulas. Because I've got such a good reference I'm deciding to ensure I'm getting the hang of excel by making my own copies of the templates instead of downloading Gray's. It's a long process but a rewarding one.

Today I was also good and read the first half of my insurance chapter for law. I found this one particularly interesting because it gave me a potential job insight. Insurance agents assess their clients rates by looking at the individual's risk that they will require compensation in the near future. Economics is all about risk evaluation. I am going to make sure to apply for a lot of insurance companies when I begin my career search. Wrote that one on the door.

Do you guys remember frosted toast? Did I mention that while working at Little Caesers? Our awesome roommate Charlie (who happens to be hispanic) brought home these freaking delicious marshmallow cookie treats that his mom sent him with. He'd done some grocery shopping recently and got some really delicious food... Like he went to a legit carneceria in Yakima and got some of the best ham I have ever eaten in my life. Even better than the smoked ham I've had on Christmas time because the moisture in this particular piece was suburb. One I suppose "nice" thing that's come out of the burglary is that Charlie has been over more frequently to keep tabs on his stuff. Understandable. Hopefully he's not keeping super close tabs on his food because I might've also had some of his Mexican brand Saltines.(**Since then I've been grocery shopping, damn munchies!)

I still haven't figured out a way to conveniently post a picture from my phone onto a blog entry I'm writing. I'm sure there is a way, I just haven't really tried.

Jacob and I laid next to eachother and had a really long conversation about better ways to respond to situations one of us feels defensive or uncomfortable about instead of blaming the other person. Granted Jacob does not blame me for things, sometimes even when it's partially my fault.. so I should do the same in return.

I cried today about not having my guitars. Not being able to practice has really been eating away at me. This super sweet, awesome guy named Tucker actually said he'd give me one of his guitars that has been since collecting dust and if he were to do that I would be grateful for the rest of my life. Losing my guitars has been like the kidnapping of two of my best friends. I might not ever see them again or bring them back but I can at least make new friends.


Saturday, May 9, 2015

We were robbed.

Afternoon everyone.

Well I've finally got a computer again. The last 3 weeks I've been using Jacob's computer which didn't allow me much free time with it. Who's Jacob? My new boyfriend who I'm now living with and have been for the past three weeks. Crazy? Yes. Regret it? No, it's been an awesome three weeks for the most part. Aside from the major setback that happened last night.

I guess it took something traumatic to happen to get me blogging again. The last entry I wrote was in the middle of a complete sh*t storm caused by meeting some blue collar dude at a party and making his ex girlfriend blow a f*cking cork because I was hitting on him. In hindsight I'm glad I didn't get a chance to meet him again because I might have fallen for someone who totally wasn't the right one for me in the first place.

Jacob and I met in micro class. He was sitting in the front corner during Gray's difficult lectures and I was sitting towards the back with my mouth shut at this point. I couldn't follow the math and the homework was getting harder and harder. It was at this point I came to Jacob and asked for help. We met later that day at the library, then went and got coffee, then kept hanging out from there. This weekend is the first time we are going to be apart since we met eachother, which is also crazy.

I'll tell you guys more about Jacob later. I want to get to the story of devastating news that has me so paralyzed by shock/disgust even to this minute. I know I need to clean the apartment and get work done but it's too easy to sit at the computer and keep an eye on Craigslist listings and network with people who might know something.

Here's a picture of Jacob. He took me out on a really nice date last night, we went to dinner and then saw Fiddler on the Roof which was really good because it was about Jewish people getting kicked out of Ukraine like our past relatives did. Jake is half Jewish and really spiritual. He's helped me get in touch with my own spirituality again and has been teaching me about the kabala. He's a total genius, too.. I'm so in love. ANYWAY.

The robbery story:

Last night when we got home the door to our apartment was WIDE open. There was garbage on the floor and drawers pulled out. Jacob's TV stand was pulled out from the wall and the TV was missing, along with his two xboxes, his sound card, all of his x box games, and laptop with all of his schoolwork from the past 5 months. He threw his shirt off in anger and stormed around in a rage.

Shortly after I noticed the prick took not just one but BOTH my guitars and my amplifier. Luckily they didn't take my big bulky old computer. I'm thankful I even have a computer. I lost my composure and started almost wailing when I saw my guitars were gone. But something stopped me from crying and the second Jacob told me to be quiet because he feels like breaking down. Because I realized that even if what I lost was sentimental to me, Jacob and Charlie lost so much more.

Charlie is Jacob's roommate. His room got hit the hardest.

His entire shoe collection was stolen, along with his emergency savings hidden in his sock drawer. 

The black is from the cops dusting for finger prints. Whoever did this was wearing gloves. These are career criminals that knew what they were doing and it's more than likely our stuff is getting pawned off and sold for drug money as I write this. But I can't dwell on the past. I have to be strong and create a better future for my boyfriend and I. I am going to do everything I can to find a part time job starting tomorrow. Today I'm going to get the apartment totally clean.


Thursday, April 9, 2015

Okay since when do I have to know calculus.


I apologize for the "poor me" freak out the other night. I had some wine in my system and was dwelling on a situation that I really have no control over. I realize now that Taylor is going to make his own decision who he wants to be with, which unfortunately appears to be leaning more toward Julia then me. They've been together two years, I appeared in his life randomly recently and left the tri-cities right afterward. They live in the same town so she's got more access to him and I'm sure he likes the comfort of having someone there. I just hope that if he decides to stay with her that he tells me and leaves me alone.

I don't know. We'll see what happens if I ever get the opportunity to meet him again but that's in fate's hands. I'm not going to pursue spending time with him any harder than I have before because last time I put my faith in him showing up I was very let down. Even if I thought he wasn't going to show up in the first place regardless of him telling me he wasn't going to flake over and over again. I just have a 6th sense about this kind of thing.

I'm still attracted to him. Which I hate to say because part my mind wants me to not want me to be attracted to anyone right now because I'm so preoccupied with schoolwork and any drama in my life will only distract me. I guess part of me wants that happiness that comes with being with someone and the other part of me is telling me that the risk of it is too high.

There are a couple other guys that have clearly been into me and hitting me up lately but it seems like my heart is having tunnel vision like when I first met Terry. You start comparing guys that like you to the guy you like and because I have attraction toward so few men it's way harder for me to settle for someone who I'm not totally attracted too when I suddenly *do* start liking someone.

Okay, I'm not going to talk about this anymore. Seriously.

Today started out kind of rough. I accidentally slept through my alarm again after not being able to sleep until 7 am. This was my fault because I had totally over-caffeinated myself  the night before trying to study some math from my micro class to little avail. So ironically I MISSED the class that I was studying for because I was so stressed out about not getting the material the previous night.

Yesterday I also got my resume ready for the career fair today. That went really well. I met a lot of potential employers and got tons of business cards, pamphlets etc about different companies I could apply for that *are* looking for recent undergrads. That makes me happy because there's no way I'm going to be able to get a job this quarter after all. My schoolwork is harder than it has been all year and the majority of my quarters last year.

Advanced business law has been really interesting but there's just a lot of reading. I'm a slow-ish reader and it usually takes me a couple times to grasp all the information I need so this class has been very time consuming. On top of that I've got my extremely difficult intermediate microeconomics class that is using calculus that I haven't learned yet so I had to come to the math tutoring center today to get help.

Da-da-dada-dada-da-da, tequila..

I'm sitting in the library right now. After I write this blog entry I plan to head home, make dinner and do the dishes before I start tackling my first law case study. Metiner pretty much roped me into doing this when I hadn't even looked at the case yet but I figure knocking this project out early while the material isn't as complicated as it could potentially get could be a good thing. The case I'm doing is about who gets the proceeds to the sale of cows, a case that I had already read the brief summary of out of the book and Metiner actually explained in class. I'm not worried about it.

I guess my one worry is that I get home and get too distracted to get any work done which has a tendency to happen. But because this case study is due tomorrow my back is against the wall and I should have the motivation to work until about midnight tonight.

My sleep schedule has been absolutely f'ed since that shitty Friday night waiting for Taylor to get to my house and flaking at the last minute. It got me on this cycle of staying up super late and taking a huge nap during the day that I haven't been able to shake and has made it extremely hard to wake up on time for my micro class. Hopefully tonight will improve this. If I force myself to go to bed at a decent time it should and I didn't take a huge nap today so I should be tired at a decent time unlike the last few nights.

Talk to you guys later.


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

God, I wish I'd never met you.

God, I wish I'd never met you.

I gave up a long time ago and felt at peace with being alone.
Why did you have to come into my life, lead me on like that and make me think that you really liked me when you knew you were already with someone?? Why did you talk to me for a week and make me realise how much I liked you? Why do you have to be a disappointment in my life like every other guy I've been attracted too...

I'm so done. Time and time again I've realized i'll never find someone that i am physically attracted too that happens to like me back without someone in the way. There's always gotta be that someone in the way, regardless of what she looks like. I'm going to be alone forever because of my terrible luck


Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Why being an artist is awesome

You can push down any pain you might be experience you're feeling by doing a task that by now requires little to no thought and still makes you feel good about yourself.

This last weekend was the pits for a number of reasons. Friday night I thought I'd get a chance to hang out with this really hot guy I'd met recently and thought our personalities had clicked. Wrong. He flaked on me the last minute because his ex girlfriend called. Okay, stayed up all night for nothing.

The next day I told him once again that if this is part of some kind of game just leave me alone and be with her. He responded the next morning with a lot of wishy-washy excuses and I kept bitching him out saying that there's no excuse for keeping me up all night waiting and then flaking on your way here. And that i didnt want a relationship with him but if he is going to act like this any time we make plans to get to know eachother than screw it.

So he responded on Saturday night saying I should call him at a number he gave me so he could explain himself. By the time I got the number it was too late because I was up that night practicing and trying not to dwell on what had happened the *previous* night with this goombah.

The next morning I sent him a text saying he could call me whenever and he responded "who is this?" I responded Emily. No response. 2-3 hours later I wrote "so you decided not to talk after all?" And he responded "who is this" AGAIN.  Shortly after sent another text, 'i think you have the wrong number.' Okay. .

First thought that came to mind, "wow. This totally is his number and he decided he didnt want to talk so now he's claiming it isnt..." Then, of course because I'm manipulated by how attractive he is thought,  "Well maybe he just gave me the wrong number."

I have no way of knowing either way. Because I dont know any of his friends that have his number and would rather not go around digging I don't know. We haven't talked since that night. Part of me wishes I would have had my phone on to receive that message alert but the other part of me thinks even if I had he would have changed his mind talking to me anyways.

I dont need him to explain why he flaked on Friday night.  To me its pretty obvious that his ex girlfriend probably called having an emotional melt down and out of habit he decided to go to her rescue instead of hanging out with a girl who doesnt need his help but he knows is a way better catch.

Regardless it doesn't matter now because we're not talking. And might not talk again. Who knows.

And that's why being an artist is awesome. To have the ability to satiate your emotions regardless of the bullshit that's happening like this.


Saturday, April 4, 2015

This should kill a couple more hours. First party in a long time

Tonight (or should I say today now that it's finally after midnight) is going to be an interesting one. And the story leading up to it is also interesting so let me back up. This is going to be a long blog entry.

Okay Spring break came and gone. I was able to successfully complete my doctors appointment and fill the prescription that I needed that's keeping me off the pot on Monday. Unfortunately I did something totally stupid and took a narcotic painkiller in my Mom's room the day of the appointment to get rid of a bad headache. The previous day I'd been partying all night and drove home from Hermiston at about two pm that next day. Why the hell was I in Hermiston? Read on.

Jared Johnson. You guys might recognize that name from blog entries back in like 2012. I had a huge crush on him when he was in my sociology class at CBC. The situation was interesting because Josie Day also happened to be in that class and was very into Jared's best friend Joan. That had been going on forever and might still be to this day, who knows. Joan moved away to college and Josie is still in the tri-cities I believe, I'm not friends with either of them on facebook so I wouldn't know what they've been up too these days. Anyway, Jared and I met on facebook that year and he was originally a total snob and ignored my interest in him completely. That obviously made me like him more.

About a year later I remember we hung out a few times at his Dad's place. We got along well because we're both kind of smart asses, but we're also both extremely stubborn so we butt heads about things a lot. He's kind of defensive about being masculine so he'll occasionally say things that are kind of offensive without really trying. I guess some would say "he's a bit of a dick." But most guys I've been attracted to are that way. Jared and I never dated, though, I guess the romantic vibe isn't really there. We hadn't talked in months when he texted me when I was at Goodwill the previous day with my Dad. He was taking me out to buy a new pair of Nikes that I was super happy about.

He told me that there was a party happening that he'd "really like to see me at." I was like okay, sweet! I had made some plans with this guy Riley this here in Ellensburg but decided to flake out on that like he's flaked on me so many times. Jared's plans sounded more solid and like a blast so I anticipated a good time.

That day Jared had texted me saying the party was going to be between 9-10 and by 10:00 we hadn't talked since like 8:10. We'd been texting back and forth and he changed the address twice. The second time I had to call him and bitch that he hadn't gotten ahold of me when I was waiting. Actually at this point I thought he had flaked. I had been playing guitar that night when I was all dolled up and ready to go and took this snap:

So here's me in the basement practicing the Unforgiven. You can see what I wore that night, a orange shirt I got at goodwill that actually turned out to be really flattering and some high heeled wedges. Overall a very cute outfit. When I showed up to this mobile home park in Kennewick Jared saw me and was like "Wow, you look so beautiful... It's not one of "those" kind of parties." Like I was overdressed. I laughed and said 'yeah I should have brought a jacket' because I saw some people hanging out outside. He then said, "Every girl at that party is watching you and hating you so much right now." I'm like, "Wth, why?" Sort of made me feel anxious upon walking in..

But everyone was actually super chill and nice. I didn't realize what the occasion was until I saw a huge card on the table for this girl Julia. So that's when I just started doing the usual, meeting people, asking people questions about where they live and work, etc... I rarely start out by going off about myself because if I did people would think I'm a snob. The best way to get to know people initially is to be a spring board. Let their conversations revolve around them and bounce back at them.

The girls seemed really nice. Most were either friends of Julia's or lived in the house that we were hanging out in. One of the girls that lived there was really cute and pregnant. We had a good conversation over by the beer pong table because she told me she was interested in accounting and finance too. It takes a lot of guts to go into this field, community college or not. I remember how hard my second accounting class was at CBC I dropped it because I couldn't juggle it with Japanese. Decided to wait until I got to CWU. Anyway, this is where the beginning of this would-to-be soap opera launches.

This tall guy with just incredible blue eyes caught my glance when I was sitting in the living room with Jared at the couches. Jared was sort of preoccupied with people watching and talking to other girls, which was cool. Being there as friends we were kind of eachother's wing man in some sense even if we planned to go back to his place that night after we'd had a few.

Anyway I smiled at him and he just stood for a second like, okay, I want to talk to this girl. I could tell. Especially when Jared and I started talking about some random irrelevant shit and this guy jumped into the conversation. Suddenly his beer pong buddy ditches and he asks me to play with him. Jared decides to go out back and kick it with some people he went to highschool with. Everything was cool.

Okay, I'm not gonna say our first conversation was like this 'perfect omg finishing eachothers sentences' crap but we kind of hit it off. He's a year older than me and has a beard which has always been kind of something I've always been attracted too. Especially with those wooden pipes and lumberjack boots... hmmm... Uhm okay, like I was saying..

He was asking about what I was going to school for and I told him to someday be a financial analyst of some kind. I told him pretty bluntly, "I like math and money." Ha ha ha. I just got enacted the Finance club senator and representative this upcoming Monday, it's what I'm into. He told me that's awesome that I'm in school and that he is currently a manager at a plumbing supply outlet.

Having learned in marketing about how the system works, I can pretty clearly imagine what his job was be like. He has very difficult hours because deliveries and inquiries need to be done at night so the plumbers can have the supplies they need for the next day's contract. He's a manager of a group of people at a warehouse at 24, that's not doing bad for himself at all. He also has a welding certification.

Ha ha you know honestly, even if taking that welding class at ki-be was hell at the time, it has won me so many points making conversation with country boys over the years. Because they all freaking love welding metal for some reason and having taken that class I can -kind of- speak their language.

Anyway. We exchanged first and last names (implying I wanted to add him on facebook. I was being very low key about it because I came with someone else and didn't want to be rude). We added eachother that night, and after we lost a beerpong game pretty quickly against the reigning champs I sat down at the couch messing around with my phone and we parted ways. It wasn't long before I was talking music nerd to some dude who's brother plays guitar. He also sings and likes some good rock. Anyway it wasn't long before Jared came over and sat down, we talked for a little while longer, and Jared wanted to step outside.

We ended up leaving a little earlier than Jared acted like he wanted to leave at. That was fine though, considering I had a feeling I'd be driving us to Hermiston because there was no way in hell he was going to be able to find a taxi in the tri cities at 2 in the morning to drive us over the Washington border. Luckily that night I had kept my drinking extremely slow and steady, like I think I had 3-4 beers tops during the four hours we were there. And a jello shot when I first got there.

So I was feeling a *tiny* bit tipsy. Barely. I knew I'd have to drive us home and turned on my music, driving extremely focused and not saying a word all the way to hermiston. With just a tiny bit of alcohol in my system, I am still incredibly worried about our safety and my own wellbeing so I had my metal blasting and eyes locked firmly on the road.

Anyway the rest of the night was pretty much like a sleepover between two buddies. We watched netflix and ate fast food.

That night I found myself messing around on my phone and looking at that guy's facebook. I saw he had some family from the South, he liked snowboarding, saw that he had a tattoo... So I commented on the tattoo, "Badass" and he responded, "Thanks do you have any?" or something really basic like that.

At this point I didn't even realize the girl who's birthday it was the previous night was Taylor's ex girlfriend. Jared had mentioned this and said "Recently. And they're that couple that always has drama." And I'm like interesting... Lo and behold, that next morning while I was doing my makeup Jared said to me, "Julia called you out.." and I'm like what?

I look on there and she's giving this rant like, "Oh wow didnt you come with jared johnson? and you guys added eachother fast!! isn't that funny?" something-bullshit-something.

 So I wrote back, "Jared's my friend. I was at a party and met a new friend, isn't that the point of a party?" and she wrote back, "Not this one. Move on." I didn't see that for awhile because Jared and I were watching Walking Dead. When I got back online around 2 pm, I went back on his profile and was so sad when I found out he deleted me!!

And this is after Jared tells me this is always the couple having drama so I'm of course like, 'waitwaitwait.." like if this guy added me just to make his ex jealous and play some game I'm like hell no, too old for that crap. I messaged him saying "What the hell, you deleted me? Well if this is just part of a game between you and your ex that you used me as a pawn in you should go have a nice life, bye:)"  He apologized and said he hadn't wanted to delete me.

Alrighty then. So having just ignored that we're not friends, we proceeded to talk and have really gotten along these past four days or so. I hadn't had my phone at all this week so it did make this week a lot more entertaining.

Yeah definitely a weird situation but interesting. 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

F*ckF*ckityF*ckF*ck WHYYYY....

Well it's been a hell of a day.

I think extreme stress over this class registration issue has made me sick for the last two days. I've been completely lacking in energy and my stomach has been in chronic pain. For good reason, considering one of my worst nightmares actually happened today.

I'm not graduating after Spring quarter like I'd originally anticipated and in retrospect I realize it's all my fault. This is going to create another entire quarter of stress, frustration and worst of all, debt. I need to backup to explain what the hell happened.

I registered for my Spring classes weeks ago, when I was supposed too. I know I did, but because it was so long ago I have no direct recollection of it. So when I went online and discovered that "you have not currently registered for any Spring classes" I flipped. I had no idea why I'd been dropped. I figured it was just a stupid glitch or something.

So of course I re-registered for the classes I needed: Econ 401 and Human resource management online. Not only was HR full, but I was #14 on the wait list... Making it impossible to get into that class, and there's nothing else available. I messaged my adviser and the dean of business registration and she sent me a message saying I hadn't tried registering for anything since February, as well as the fact that I missed the graduation deadline and need to fill one out by April 10th for after Summer quarter anyway.

So I f*cked up in two ways unknowingly. This left me with, okay, I'm not graduating after Spring quarter which totally blows, but I need to find another class to take so I have 10 credits. Given the fact that my Dad is always getting on my case about taking more accounting classes, that was the first thing I looked at. NO accounting classes on campus are being offered on campus that I can take that would contribute to getting an accounting minor if I wanted one. There's a 341 class available in Des Moines, 2.5 hours away, driving over the pass twice a week... That's not plausible for a number of reasons. Then there's also the option of taking Cost Accounting 405 online which would be incredibly hard and stressful considering I got a C+ in cost accounting 305. Cost accounting 405 doesn't even add credits to an accounting minor because it's not one of the elective options, who knows why.. making it extremely hard to convince myself to take it.

My parents aren't going to pay for me to take only 5 credits and neither is my student loans. So I'd be losing my student loans, as well as all the money in my savings account to pay for these 5 credits. I would HAVE to get a job in ellensburg. Something I tried to do all quarter last quarter and failed miserably. I mean I'd have better availability but even then, it is so hard to get a job there.

At least if I got a job it'd make it easier to live there in the summer. I'm so tired of going to school in general, I really thought I was finally done with it after this quarter but because of my own idiotic lack of initiative to check and make sure everything was ready to go. I can't remember the last time I was this disgusted with myself. I'm just praying this can somehow be to my advantage..

I am probably going to go back to Ellensburg Friday to start my job search again. And pay for my one class. Try to somehow deal with this depression I'm feeling right now.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

When your first crush gets married..

Talk about a weird feeling. .

I mean it's not like I didnt expect it because he's Mormon. It seems like all the Mormons I graduated with are getting married recently; which is cool, I am I guess you could say "in love with love." I love the idea of a "happily ever after."

It's just when I got an invitation to his wedding something hit me. Not jealousy nessasarily because I haven't talked to him in years. It was something different. A weird combination of sadness, happiness, nostalgia and enlightenment is the best way I can describe it. 

I'm happy he's happy but seeing the picture of him and his fiance in loving embrace made me feel envious and sad for some reason. Like why haven't I felt that, I want to feel the sense that who I'm with is right for me.. both emotionally and physically. For years I wanted him more than anything but because he's LDS knew it was impossible and by the time I hit highschool gave up and forgot about it. I guess the rush of emotions seeing that made me tell my mom while we were watching some crime documentary. .

"Yea.. I don't think I can make that...."

And she responded "yea, Mormon weddings can be long. I'll make them a pillow as a gift." And that was the last we talked about it. And this is the last i'll talk about it on this blog.

Im happy for those people that are truly happy at my age. Really I am. I'll just keep praying its on my own road someday.


Thursday, March 19, 2015

I'm a loser babbbbay

So why don't cha kill me.

These are one of those days where I look about almost as bad as I feel on the inside.

After all that fucking work I still did not feel confident on that test what so ever. All the prayers. All the work I did these past two days.. I mean 5 hours the day before yesterday. .then yesterday I was at it from 12 in the afternoon to  this morning at 8:00!! I could not rest until i'd felt confident on that material and I just... didnt. These were the chapters on stock valuation that I really wanted to build a better understanding of. I mean I guess I did... I learned a lot. But I feel like I must have slacked off this last week because I barely touched the last two chapters until this morning. I was an idiot and spent waaay too much time trying to master 8/9  which conceptually were hard chapters in and of themselves. Of course by the time I *did* finish reading chapter 10/11 concepts over and over but and copiex problems and answers down i thought would help me. A lot of it didnt because I didn't have adequate practice.

Not all is lost though. I still plan on joining the finance club in the spring, I'm still gonna turn in the chapter 11 homework for extra credit and I WILL complete that case study even if I was one of the few losers that didn't prioritize well enough to even start the thing. and this is like... 25 hours I spent annotating the book, practicing problems,  bah bah.. but THATS because I was probably only half paying attention because i  had YouTube on. Nobody is a multi-tasker, when you read or do homework of even play guitar sometimes it's useless because I'm really paying attention of the crazy/druggie/hitetrash/serial killers to really pay attention.
I hope to improve this asap.
Ahh I'm dozing off already.
Gnite guys (11:04 am)

I feel like I'm going crazy

Okay, I can't remember the last time I was so sleep deprived but unable to sleep. Its that part of me that won't let me sleep when I know there's more work to do.

These last four finance chapters have been hard, but I really dropped the ball on the last two chapters by dedicating too much of my time on the first two.  I studied yesterday for about 5 hours. Today I was at the library from 12 pm until 11 pm with a couple breaks in between to eat a quesadilla and have soup at Van's house.

Van is a girl that I'd seen in my finance class so many times and we finally introduced ourselves the other day when she saw me cramming for my marketing exam in the hallway. She told me some of the essay questions that she'd remembered from last quarter that helped immensely.

Honestly I should have been studying these last two finance chapters earlier. I just let myself get wrapped up in studying for marketing and figured two days would be enough. It really hasn't been.

I have to take the test in 7 hours. I don't know what its worth for me to just be laying here stressed out when I know I can't sleep. When I first got home I was laying here in bed praying to god to let me sleep for a few hours but all I could think of was the last chapters I needed to reread. Even now after I finished reading them I want to get up, shower and get ready and finish my "cheat sheet." It's 1 in the fucking morning and I didn't get a good night sleep last night because Marshall was meowing and being a turd!

Ugh. Like I said, its crazy. . Like I know my brain is tired. I know I would be better off for my test if I slept. But I just can't. I just have to get out of bed and keep going because my mind is not going to rest until 10 am today when the test is done. After I nap I then have to do this case study thing that was supposed to be due this morning but I convinced the professor to not punish those that turn it in on the same day because of how hard these chapters are. He understood and sent an email out to everyone saying they can turn it in until Friday. God, what an awesome guy. He has been so flexible with us this quarter because he really wants us to learn..

And *I* really want to learn!! I've done so damn well all quarter I can't do shitty on this test and have it all be for nothing!!

Okay.. I need to think positively. Yes I'm sleep deprived. Yes I have work to do. But God is here with me now and will help me get through this and do the best that I can possibly do given my current circumstances. .. . I just pray I haven't blown it..


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Marshall you are such a freaking bully

Who raised you?? ....oh yea.

I took this picture minutes ago. Marshall was being super stir crazy tonight and meowing to get in and out over and over again so I let Kiki in to uh... play with him. Marshall does quiet down when Kiki is there but I realized it's because he's tormenting him.

Kiki is not a fighter like Sully or Marlow. He won't attack back at all so it's pathetic when I see my cat jump on top of him and bite his neck when he's trying to make his way to Marshall's food dish. And he'll do it over and over until finally he goes into my room and hides out. Its even sadder because Kiki isn't even aiming for the food in the bowl anymore. He eats the food dropped outside of the bowl just to not piss Marshall off. Simply put my cat can be quite an asshole.

I'm trying to blog this from my phone right now. Today wasnt a bad day, just had a lot on my mind. I realize that regardless of the fact that I am extremely diligent and hardworking at school my ability to seek out opportunities for myself and network around for jobs is pitiful. Its almost like I have to be told to do something, either from someone in authority or my mind telling me if I dont practice guitar I wont ever get better to actually do it. Drawing is something I do more out of pleasure at this point but still part of me makes it a job to keep my page updated with new pictures..

Then I think of all the time I waste on Facebook. I need to start making finding a job a priority over everything. This Thursday I plan to update and turn in my resume to a couple places around ellensburg and this weekend I plan to revise some of my old assignments to upload onto LinkedIn. At least even with my lack of work experience if I can have something to show for how hard of a worker I am aside from my grades than that's something.

Uhm let's see, this week is my last official week of classes. Next week is finals and like always I've got a shit ton of work to do including a case study for my finance class. If I do well on that, that'll be something else I can post to my LinkedIn. Yup fun stuff ....


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

When someone undermines your accomplishments.

Today was alright. Pretty typical Tuesday in a lot of ways.

This morning I got up around 10, wasted an hour or so on facebook while I ate the last of that leftover Chinese food for breakfast, got ready, and read a chapter for my marketing class. Got a 9/10 on the quiz this morning which is always nice. Another step closer to getting two A's this quarter. I've definitely got good prospects for my finance class. I was super proud of myself for getting a 96% on my last test. Or at least I was until this afternoon.

Marketing was let out early and I saw Kevin P. and he asked me what I'd been up too. I told him I'd been kicking ass in my classes so I really wanted a job but nothing had really materialized yet. He told me Young made him a finance tutor so he basically scored a job without really looking for one. I can admire that, you know finance is fucking hard. And of course when I mentioned that I was doing really well in Tenerelli's he's like "Well he's super easy and a terrible finance teacher..." And I'm like, "Well I think he's good, I've learned a lot in there and he doesn't assume that we already know all the material like Becker and Young did. He actually makes us learn the definitions and material before doing the problems..." and he just kept insulting him like 'oh he's a terrible professor' and 'oh he doesn't teach NEARLY the material you need to know and if you were to leave his class and take finance 470 you'd fail."

It was just hard to hear that. Especially after I struggled so much and had to drop it with Young and Becker and finally felt like I was getting it. I told him that he does cover more material than in his previous classes... apparently before the school got on his case about not covering enough chapters he only got to chapter 7 but we're doing chapter 9 and 10 right now... I don't feel like I'm at some kind of disadvantage having a professor that's more understanding and provides more explanation for material that's completely foreign to most of us unless you're an accounting major.

Kevin is in his 5th year at CWU. He's triple majoring.. When I was defending what I'd learned in Tenerelli's class he said "Well just to let you know nobody going on the all expenses paid trip in the Finance club took Tenerelli's class.." and I'm scoffed like "Whatever! I wouldn't want to go anyway!"

I think at this point he realized he'd been kind of insulting. That's the thing about Kevin though. He's super intelligent and even if he's my friend he says things that makes me feel like I'm never doing enough. He's one of the people that back when I was in the height of my depression a couple years back that I'd just say to him out of the blue, "F*ck it I'm stupid and wish I would just die" and he'd flip out like "Why would you say something like that? You're so smart..." Because he'd have no idea he had said things that insulted my heart.

That's all I'm going to say about this... You know regardless of the fact that Tenerelli doesn't make us memorize the formulas like the other finance teachers does not mean he makes this subject easy. I've had to study hours to get the grades I've gotten just like any other class. And I know for a fact I am more confident in that class then people during the midterm that were letting out loud exacerbated sighs and that doing well enough to be at the top of that class should be something to be proud of. I should allow myself to be proud of myself for once but that conversation with Kevin hurt, bad.

I wish I wasn't so hard on myself. I want to feel confident entering the job world. This month it's super important that I do search for the first stepping stone into my actual career to avoid moving home. There's so many big changes that are going to happen soon and I'm trying to prepare myself the best I can for it.

In the meantime to keep myself calm and happy I've just been doing a lot of art and guitar. I'm so ready to upload Phantom of the Opera, the tone sounds fantastic. My Dad, Mom and I went to Goodwill after hitting my favorite Chinese restaurant and Rite Aid and I had a couple great finds. My Dad found me an AWESOME Black Album tabs book and I found a pantera shirt that I love.

I cut out the sleeves, of course. Ha ha. Alright that's enough for today.. goodnight!


Saturday, February 28, 2015

Spending the weekend at home. Needed to get away.

Hey all.

Well the end of the month is already here and I've done three whole blog entries. This'll make four. This month has definitely had its ups and downs. Part of me really thought by this point I'd have a job. Nope. I've been applying around Ellensburg and nothing's materialized yet. I did have an interview at Safeway but haven't heard back from them. It'd be awesome if they did offer me the position but it's almost been a week since the interview and I'm guessing they've already made their decision so I need to keep looking.

This quarter is almost over. Two more regular weeks before finals. I'm gonna have one more quarter and maybe this summer to find a good job after graduation if I want to avoid moving back home. Ugh I don't want that to happen at all. It's gonna take a lot of work and research to find something good. I need to make it like part of my homework next month.

Here's a drawing I completed this weekend. I have another family picture I want to do but honestly would rather do it with a bigger canvas. This drawing I wanted to include Amie's boyfriend but ran out of room. As you might have noticed I did shade the skin in this drawing. Amie's looks a little blotchy so I'm undecided if I want to continue doing this. Regardless I hope she likes the completed product, it kept my mind busy today.

Tomorrow I'm probably just going to do a lot of reading for school and my Dad and I are going into town. I should also pick up my prescription that I was finally able to pee clean for, lol. I decided not to pick it up until school starts again because that's really the only time that I need it and wanted to avoid wasting them. I'm hoping not dealing with as much depression and anxiety from this medication will help me continue moving in the right direction.

Midterms went well. I got a 90% on my marketing test and I think I also did good on my finance midterm. Can't say for sure how I did until class tomorrow (or Wednesday, because I know an athlete in class didn't take it yet so for quality control we have to wait). I'll let you know how that went. 

This last couple weeks did have somewhat of an emotional tole on me because I mistakenly crushed on someone that got the completely wrong impression of me and it pissed me off. I definitely had fun hanging out with him a couple times and didn't think it was going anywhere until Valentines day when he posted this picture of a girl he was spending it with. That night he texted me at 1:30 am wanting to see me and of course the next day I was like "Dafuq? Seriously?" and kind of chewed him out. Since that night I noticed he was acting distant so I figured it was over. To make matters more confusing we actually did end up hanging out once after that and it went from being super flirtatious with eachother to us both acting strictly platonic. 

I honestly just figured it was because he was into this other girl. But instead of being honest with me he gave me this shpeel about how "we don't mesh well because you seem like the type of girl that would poke holes in condoms and you also seem racist which is a huge turnoff. Sorry." I'm like oh my god, are you f*cking shitting me? 

He said I seemed that way because I said I didn't agree with abortion with consensual sex which is why if we ever did anything to be cautious. He said I seemed racist because when we were watching some crazy gangland show I said something he apparently took as derogatory toward black people and right after he insulted Mexicans. He's got big giant anti-religious insignia down his calf, and he has the nerve to call me a hateful person??

...I'm just like yeah don't fucking flatter yourself, I'm graduating in three months, you think I want some screaming baby from a SHORT 25 year old with ugly tattoos and doesn't even have his shit together? F*ck you!! 

Sorry I had to get that off my chest. The fact that he sits diagonally across from me and lives a road over makes me happy this damn quarter is going to be over soon because I'm sick of seeing his face. We've been avoiding even making eye contact. He's such a puke, definitely did not deserve an iota of my time or feelings. We literally and hung out a few days before I broke up with Travis and I thought he was such a badass because he liked the same kind of music as me and played the bass.

Once again, I've learned the lesson that men that like the exact same kind of music as me are generally messed up in the head and should be avoided. 


Saturday, February 14, 2015

This dream that gave me a rush of adrenaline.

I can't remember ever having a dream that ever solidified my actual "dreams."

It's 5 am. I woke up just a few minutes ago and laid in bed awake for just moments before I knew I wanted to get up and write about it.

I wasn't up that late last night. Probably went to bed around 11:30 or so after watching hours of the show "Power, Privilege and Justice" where you see these people living extravagant lives in beautiful mansions and usually ending in the husband killing his wife for one reason or another-- either selfish motives because the wife was the heiress to some old money and the husband wanted it or the wife was threatening to take the man's fortune and estate through divorce... I don't know, there were a lot of crazy scenarios in these episodes.

I think having seen the beautiful homes and lavish lifestyles of people-- many of which seemed to be of average intelligence but with hard work and luck landed where they were, triggered something in my mind. This is how the dream went:

I had apparently left Ellensburg and decided to move in with a very wealthy girl somewhere. The house I moved into wasn't like this crazy huge mansion but it was definitely nicer than any place I'd ever envisioned myself living in. It was a two story, beautiful home with a really bright, open living room and a long driveway lit up by small nights. The house was on a cal-do-sac of other beautiful homes, and I'd remember stepping outside to find the trash can and looking next door because some adult man was listening to loud rap music in their nice SUV. I waved at the person who was pulling out of their driveway. I remember thinking, "Wow, these people seem happy...." 

The girl I lived with I don't remember being particularly nice. In fact I remember feeling like the downstairs was more or less her domain but didn't care because I was so thrilled about being able to afford to live there in the first place. I felt like my hard work was finally starting to pay off. Upstairs was where my bedroom was and this is what really made me excited. It was huge and had two sides-- one side was where my bed and closets were and I had a huge king size bed with a big screen TV mounted on the wall and lush carpet. The other side of the room had tile floor and almost like my own workshop with computers, another large TV that I used as a monitor, and tons of books. There was also a large table in the middle that looked to be once used for assembling things.

And ironically, even if I got the vibe my roommate didn't like me she was happy I had moved in because some closets and spaces in the upstairs still had remnants of the previous tenant that needed to be cleaned out. That was fine with me, I figured it'd be interesting to see what stuff was left there. What I found was a lot of weird shit...

First of all, there were stacks and stacks of what appeared to be manuscripts, documents and books disorderly piled into some of the shelves in my new workroom. There were also boxes of old electronics with labels like "MAC OS--1994" and other random names of gadgets from the 80's/90's from computer companies whose names I'd recognized but figured I'd have no use for. It was then I figured the previous tenant might have been a computer hobbyist of somekind. Another strange thing I saw on that shelf, very distinctly, was baby doll heads that were kind of just randomly lying around. They appeared somewhat old, as I remember them having those "blinky" eyes that close when you tilt them backwards. 

OH, in my large workroom there was also a full size fridge. I figured it was for convenience sake for the probably engineer that had lived there previously. The fridge itself was empty but on top of the fridge there were TONS of almost empty and empty containers used for cookies-- like chips ahoy and remembered also seeing some "generic", store brand cookies. (This I know has to do with an experiment we recently did in my marketing class where we actually did an blind study to see if these particular cookies were substitutable.)

There was also a closet that had a big pile of women's clothes just sitting there, and some tacky posters on the same closet walls. There was also some junky accessories and random nik-naks in there and I remember thinking, "Huh, that'll be fun to sort through later..." 

The girl that I was living with told me that because we were renting the house and would likely have to later lease it to new tenants when we both made enough money or found serious relationships so the house needed to stay nice. She said her last roommate was literally depreciating the value of the house with her projects and endless stream of junk coming into the house that she was afraid to let guests come upstairs. 

So even if the roommate didn't like me I was still completely happy. My parents had come over and I talked about how lucky I was to have moved from "a basement in Ellensburg" to something as cool as this and looked forward to fixing the place up to post pictures on facebook (ha ha). I just kept thinking, wow, my hard work has finally paid off-- I'm so happy I stuck it out and did that finance major.

Okay I'll just stop there because that's when I woke up and laid in bed with my eyes wide open thinking... I literally only have two more classes I'd need to take if I wanted to double major in finance. I could do one of those classes in the Spring and just take one last class in the summer or Fall and take that class alone so no matter how hard it is, even if it's with f*cking Young who takes pleasure in making his classes as insanely hard as possible to weed out the crap, I could still do it. I feel so empowered right now. So determined.

I'm registering for my classes today and I'm really hoping Tenerelli's investment class is being offered in the Spring. If he is I'm definately taking it along with the two classes I need to finish my Econ major and business minor. That being said I DEFINITELY NEED TO FIND A JOB IN ELLENSBURG to save some money. I want to be able to pursue every opportunity I can here and my Dad just keeps getting more and more stressed about the debt I'm accumulating. If I can just make enough money to live off of I will be set.

Today I'm going to write up a second cover letter and edit my resume to make it conducive to getting the floor position at Target that I applied for. I'm also going to call around Ellensburg to ask where people are hiring, if anywhere. I have a good enough handle on my current classes that I feel working and going to school won't be a problem, but Spring might be different. Whatever, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to reach my dreams and goals.


Monday, February 9, 2015

Breaking up sucks. Independence.

I've had to make some rather difficult decisions the passed couple days.

First of all, I need to find a job. If I can help it I'd like to live in this apartment as long as possible and that's not gonna happen if I don't find work. I'm going to do everything I can to not have to move back in with my parents after I graduate. I need to continue to apply for career opportunities (or start again, haven't done much of anything since late January because I've been preoccupied) but also try to find a part time job in town to make some extra cash. That way I won't have to ask my parents anymore and it'll be my first step toward real independence.

Secondly, in order to face my emotions head on, I had to break up with Travis. I had to stop using him as a crutch whenever I feel stressed or overwhelmed. I will always love him for being there for me and making me realize I can be loved. He found me at a time my life was spiraling out of control and my depression had reached an all time high for 2014. He helped me recover and find strength again, even while I quit marijuana cold turkey which was extremely difficult.

I have to learn to be strong on my own, even while abstaining from alcohol and not smoking completely. It still sucks not being able to smoke but I know it's for the best, especially considering I'm starting my job hunt tomorrow.

Third, I need to start taking better care of myself. Try to go to the gym every weekday that I'm not swamped with homework. I need to start getting a better night sleep which will help my stress a lot because I will not feel tempted to nap during the day. Napping makes me depressed because I feel like I've wasted a chunk of my day that I could be studying or bettering myself at the guitar. I need to make more time for the guitar again. I haven't uploaded any videos of me playing in such a long time and that bothers me because it makes me feel like anyone from an outside perspective would think I gave it up when I've continued to get better. Granted I don't practice nearly as much as I used to but every day that I do practice is a step in the right direction. Every day that I don't drink is also a step in the right direction because even if it's a depressant and makes you feel better temporarily it brings your inhibitions to an all time low and just creates more work for the next day.

I just need to be strong. Focus on what I'm doing here and pursue every opportunity I can. There's no reason that I carry a certain amount of uncertainty and depression at this point when I've made so many strides in the right direction so far this year. I want to make 2015 my most successful year yet.

Suicide Note pt 1 by Pantera. I listened to the Pantera collection at the gym today and it reminded me how much I love them. I've got a new friend named Brian who is going to send me a list of progressive bands he recommends so I'm hoping to expand my damn good metal list soon. 


Sunday, February 1, 2015

Dynamite start to this month.

I got a crazy amount of stuff done today and for that I'm proud of myself. I got up at around 10 am and uploaded a drawing of Johnell H., her fiance Justin and his daughter that I finished last night. I thought it turned out really good, definitely more realistic then some of my previous work. Yesterday I was very sick so I didn't bother to take a shower and barely got out of bed so getting this early start was nice.

I took a shower after I uploaded the picture and put away all of my drawing junk. I then started the long process of redoing my chapter 3 finance homework yet again to solidify the information in my mind as well as figure out the problems I'd gotten help from Tenerelli on. I was able to get through that pretty smoothly. I took breaks throughout the day to clean... I got my floors mopped, bathroom scrubbed down, and even did the laundry. All of course while watching Family Guy and tending to Marshall's crying every hour or so.

Here's a picture of Marshall and I that I took this morning. His face in this picture cracks me the hell up, he looks so peeved. I captioned it "Here's us not watching the Superbowl!" It was superbowl sunday and the Seahawks lost. Apparently there was a lot of unprofessional bullshit that happened like one of the hawks mooned the crowd and there was a fight that broke out on the field. You can't really blame them though. All that build up and leading almost all of the game by a small margin and then Patriots score in the last quarter to win the game.... But no, I didn't watch it, this was just information that came up on my newsfeed.

This week I have my first finance exam and I've still gotta read the 4th chapter for it. I plan on doing that tomorrow. I also need to submit an essay for my marketing class which I hope to god I didn't somehow miss the deadline for. I wasn't in class on Thursday because I went back to Benton city for a doctor's appointment that turned out to be a complete fail. Again. Apparently these last 3 weeks wasn't enough to get the THC completely out of my system and I tested positive once again.

Luckily though I was actually able to fill a past prescription that had only been half filled last time I was in. So that'll help me get by until I can actually pass a pee test and get the prescription I really need. The longer I'm away from marijuana the less I miss it. But part of me wishes it wasn't off limits to me completely on the days that I feel I "deserve" it for all the hard work I've done. But if I'm smoking during that time how much of that information will I actually retain?

That's why I'm going to continue to stay away from it entirely this month. At the end of the month I plan to once again return to the benton city clinic to take another pee test that'll hopefully come out clean. After two months there shouldn't be any reason it's still in my system. Of course I was semi-confident it'd be out of my system when I went in for an appointment this last Thursday. Ugh. Reminder to self, make an appointment for Wednesday afternoon next time so I don't have to miss my marketing class again. It's only the third week of classes and I've already missed twice. At least I did good on the first exam, 13/15.

I'm getting tired... I'll tty guys later!


Sunday, January 18, 2015

DAMN Steve Jobs was a hottie.

I finally finished the 3 hour documentary "Revenge of the Nerds" about the computer revolution that we were supposed to have watched in it's entirety by the 8th (not that I'm sure more than half my class hadn't also completed it considering there hasn't been an assignment due yet). I made sure to take really good notes on the 1995 film because there were going to be test questions about it and it's going to be "open note." It was a really interesting 3 part documentary... it's unbelievable how much Steve Jobs and Bill Gates along with many, many other "computer nerds" that emerged from the 1970's hippie movement have impacted the world we live in today.

Steve Jobs was like this sexy, brilliant, charismatic force determined to change the world even if he had to steal other companies ideas to make his own product work. His manipulative skills were so strong he was able to hire a Pepsi CEO to run his company while he was busy directing his engineers mercilessly. This merciless behavior ended up being his downfall when his own CEO and board of directors selected by Jobs turned against him and kicked him out of the company in the late 80's.

Then you have the young Bill Gates that was hired by the huge leading industry IBM. He was determined himself but didn't put nearly as much pressure on his fellow engineers at Microsoft.

The contrast between the two is kind of funny. But it was because of both of their determination and brilliance that computers are where they are today. Oh yeah, and the Xerox company who both Gates and Jobs stole the graphical interface idea from.... Yeah, the Xerox copy company could have been the hugest company in the world had they been more experienced in actual computer development.

When I heard Steve Jobs died I wondered what the big deal was. Now I know. He was the Apple corporation's heart and soul and developed the first version of the user-friendly graphic interface that we're all used to today. Of course Gates wasn't far behind making his own graphic interface on top of the clunky, hard to use "DOS" software of the late 80's. Their competition and unwillingness to give up on something was what drove the fast, incredible innovation of the PC in the past 30 years.

Okay nobody cares, lol.

It's 8:15 pm. I've been up working since about 3 pm. The day started late because Marshall drove me into complete panic when he didn't show up at my window this morning to be let back in. Let me back up...

Marshall, my baby, bless his little adventurous soul... had gotten really bored living here the past week. To the point that he was meowing at me at late hours of the night wanting to be let out but very shortly after I'd let him out he'd want to come back in because of the snow or insecurity about his environment. Like I'd let him out my bedroom window, he'd wander off for 15 minutes, and be back meowing to be let back in. So this just became the norm.

Last night my parents came to town and delivered me some nice new furniture for my living room-- including a futon that my Dad had disassembled to get down the stairs and this heavy ass mattress with an ugly pattern that I'd ordered online. Luckily my Mom, being the decorating genius she is, had already made pillows and a seat cover for my round chair and found a brand new futon cover at Goodwill for like $6 when they're normally QUITE expensive. I just lucked out, I really like my new living room and Travis is coming tomorrow and won't have to sleep on my twin sized bed.

Last night I read my finance chapter which I don't think I would have accomplished at my computer desk. The temptation to mess around online is just too much for me to get any reading done. At around 1 am when I finished reading I headed to bed and Marshall wanted to go outside so I let him out. I had put in earplugs assuming he was gonna immediately want to come back in and whine like always but he didn't.

I kept waking up throughout the night wondering where Marshall was. Like I'd sleep for 2 hours, have weird dreams, wake up, call for Marshall, go back to sleep.... This went on until about 9 am when I started getting worried. I got up and got dressed in my robe and sweats and went out to the icey back porch to call for him. When that didn't work I decided to search around my neighborhood a little bit and BAM! I slipped on the ice and biffed it on the pavement, really hurting my knee.That didn't stop me from getting up and looking for awhile. After calling "Marshall!" up and down the sidewalk for a little while, I went home, sad, and went back to bed. I called my Mom and she said not to worry.

I got out of bed at around 11 to search again. Nowhere to be found. I changed my cover photo and captioned it that he'd ran away again and I was panicked as hell. Kelly E. commented it pretty much relating to my feelings, she lovesss cats like I do and told me to keep her posted.

At around 3:00 I once again took to the streets to search for him, this time deciding to go door to door and ask if anyone has seen him. The first house I went to was a little old lady who lived next door. When she answered I asked her if she had seen a black tuxedo cat or one had tried to get in her house last night (something Marshall was known to do at the last apartment complex I lived at) and she said no. Low-and-behold, during this discussion I look down and see Marshall running toward our feet and sniffing this old lady like he wanted to go in her house. I was like "OMG that's him!!" and we both laughed really hard at the fact that Marshall was basically acting like he would go into her house if he had the chance.

I picked him up, relieved, but also frustrated that I'd wasted most of my day stressing out about him. He's done this crap before but since it was the first time it happened at this house with the busy road in front of us I couldn't help but be very concerned that something awful had happened. Nope. Just Marshall nonsense.

Alright guys I'm gonna go do some art.


Monday, January 12, 2015

There has to be a better future being created here.


Today is the 12th of January, this month has been flying by already but I've been keeping on top of my schoolwork and stuff I need to do really well for the most part. Aside from applying for internships. However I didn't have much of a gameplan until now but I'm now thinking of goals to set in place to start the application process.

First of all, Katharine sent me a bunch of her old cover letters and applications. I'm going to use those as well as advice on Tenerelli's page to figure out how to write a good one. I'm also going to need to demonstrate my ability somehow, and I believe the best way to do this is make some spreadsheets using Excel and R.

I remember using R studio to a degree. My problem is going to be finding company data. Should I attempt to forecast stock value or future profits based on how much a company is taxed? I'm going to have to dig back into my assignments from Wassell's class and that website to remember how to do this. I think if I make a decent portfolio of my abilities I learned in economics and finance classes I'll have a good shot at something. Katharine is right when she says I need to apply for everything and here I've still applied for nothing. 

You guys will never believe how much more efficient my time has become since I stopped smoking like a fiend. I no longer have the anxiety to sit down and do things. The material I'm reading seems way more understandable and I'm able to comprehend it the FIRST time around, saving me hours of wasted time. I'm so glad I quit smoking, so glad. 

And I want this blog entry to be a reminder for myself in the future next time I want to pick up that habit. Part of me is afraid of the potential to fall back into it after I get my anti-anxiety medication but I think after all this positive re-enforcement and what is likely to come in the next couple weeks I won't ever be taking those horrible gravity hits again, especially not on a regular basis.

When I talked to my mom on the phone earlier I talked a lot about regretting the past. Regretting the time I could have spent really taking in the material. She just told me that I did the best I could, I'm definitely not the first person to have gone through college stoned,  and that I still have these next 6 months to make major change in my life to prepare for... well.... Life.

I'm 23. Do I know exactly what career I want to have? No. But am I confident about my intelligence and ability to work hard in the future? Yes.

I just keep thinking of how badly I want my anti-anxiety medication too. It sucks having had it for 18 days and then abruptly cut off when it was helping me quit but if they had never cut me off I might have never quit at all.

Okay this is all I've been talking about lately so I'm going to talk about something else. 

I watched Bob's Burgers this morning. I wish they'd upload the new season.
Since I've quit drugs I've stopped watching as many TV shows about hard drugs, the ones that were probably making me feel less guilty for the way I was living.

Marshall Marshall Marshall. He finally hit his breaking point of having to go outside last night. Luckily I had slept a great deal on Sunday because my ass was hungover so NOT sleeping last night was not detrimental. However annoying he can be at times. He was squeeling at me at around midnight and I tried to feed him, pet him, gave him some catnip, etc... but nothing was shutting him up. He would stop for like 15 minutes then start again.

At around 2 am I finally just got up, put on my sweats and a robe and took him outside. There was snow on the ground but he was more than happy to run around in circles and under the deck sniffing everything. I stood out there for about 10 min before I nervously got him back inside. Once he was back in he was meowing at the top of his lungs again so I just had to let him do his thing. Thankfully I was able to let him back in this morning safe and sound. He seems a lot more relaxed now that he's getting a chance to roam around more.

He still hasn't interacted much with my roommate's fluffy cat Kiki though. That'll be funny to see when they start playing.

Night guys.


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Spent all day sleeping in this cave.....

What's up Gringos?

Today has been.... oh man, incredibly unproductive, no motivation to to sh*t. Likely because I got super drunk with my roommate last night on that big thing of Svedka my dad purchased me the other day and think I blacked out for the first time. Like I didn't remember saying goodnight or anything. What's weirder is that I woke up with a blanket on half naked! Which is course scared the hell out of me, like "What the hell did I do last night?" My shorts and underwear were thrown across the floor because it appeared I had spilt water all over myself. Of course I texted Veronica this morning kind of freaked out thinking, "Good freaking god please don't say I did this before you went to bed..."

Luckily no, thank God. She just put the blanket on me when I fell asleep and went to bed. I probably had woke up to drink the water, spilt it, took off my shorts when I was under the blanket, and went back to sleep. Still though. Holy cow. I think I had a lot of social anxiety hanging out with my roommate for the first time which is what led me to taking many-a-shot with orange juice. Veronica is totally cool though, she said not to worry about it, lol. I'm hoping at least she got a buzz and had some fun.

I remember being pretty blunt talking about my pot addiction and how hard it's been to quit. That's probably another reason I really wanted to get drunk last night, it was an "itchy" day for me because I had gotten everything I needed to done and I was really bored. Obviously alcohol is something I don't need to be making a habit of either but hey, what I did on a Saturday night is over and now I've got a whole week of being productive and cognitive at school this upcoming week. I'm excited to be able to learn and remember more the first time I hear it.

Uhm, god let's see anything else... I mean like I said today was completely useless. I had my head in a bowl first thing this morning. My limbs were twitching out and I'm pretty sure I slammed my head on something last night because I woke up with something that appears to becoming a bruise. Yea I was bad.

Did I tell you guys the other day my Dad came up and really helped me out? He took my entire stash with him in a safe, essentially preventing me from smoking entirely.. aside from this tiny bag of scrap I know is floating around here somewhere from the move that I might as well throw away but for some reason don't want to. Like it's on an "emergency needed" basis if I have a major panic attack at school or something. I don't see that happening anytime soon though, for the most part I've been happy since I moved here.

I just need to think whenever I want to smoke how much of a better person I feel now that I'm not doing this anymore. And really how much more productive I've become. I feel I have more motivation to keep a clean environment than I had before. Granted it's not perfect yet in here. I've still been trying to find a place for everything so I can post some pics online. Better do that this week.

Watching an Anna Nicole documentary might've triggered thoughts of dead blonde bimbos. 

Getting drunk sometimes gives me crazy, vivid and sometimes frightening dreams but I've never had one as bad as this.

Last night I had morbid dreams about death and killing. In my dream I remember confiding in someone my desire to stab and choke my nemesis in highschool then later had flashes of a man in an eye-less skii mask ripping apart her flesh with piano wire and just standing there not doing anything to help her like I didn't care. There was caked blood all over her blonde hair like she'd been stabbed. I had no idea my sub-conscious could carry such horrific, gruesome images. When I woke up I started puking again and didn't want to do anything today. It honestly kind of scared myself. 

I just think my brain was dealing with this pot detox, plus my anti-depressants, then throw a bunch of Svedka on top and you've got a good recipe for the perfect night terror. I mean I'm sure deep down I still hate that bitch but I'd never kill anyone or order someone to be killed. Freaky.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Day 1. God, Here I go...

I'm quitting. For at least 30 days, starting now, this evening.

As I sit here on the couch at home in Benton city after driving all the way back from Ellensburg for my appointment I'm filled with regret. Regret that I tried to cheat the system to get my prescription that I intended to use to help me quit. I thought I could get away with using my friend's pee for a urine test but the hospital cups actually have heat sensory now.. And even if her pee did show up clean for marijuana they still wouldn't have prescribed it to me because it was full of cocaine!

Of course hearing this I had to tell my doctor it wasn't mine, the last thing I want him to think is that I'm actually addicted to stimulants.

My parents are here, I've gotta go. Basically today revolved around getting here for the appointment so I have nothing more to say but I will say I'm determined and ready to try college with a sober mind for the first time. My Dad is giving me a safe where I'm going to lock up all my pot and paraphernalia  when I get back to my apartment. It's time to actually do this so I can get my anti-anxiety medication again.


Monday, January 5, 2015

I told you I'd get back to you.

Hello again. It's been a long few days.

On January 1st, the last night I had to spend with Travis, I got quite drunk. And I don't mean "Talking loud, wanting to watch something stupid on TV, semi-functional drunk..." I was full on wasted, like could barely get out of my bed and across my messy room and up the stairs to go to the bathroom because my legs were so floppy and uncoordinated. The next morning I figured I'd be doing some light packing but not the majority of it but come to find out at 10 am the next morning my mom had other plans.

I mean in retrospect, thank God we started packing on the 2nd because my mom and I spent until about 3 pm packing on the 3rd which was supposed to just be unloading day according to her. The actual unloading into the house was a bit of a struggle because of this strange stairway that leads to the basement, but it's so pretty down here I can barely complain. I'm still waiting to be completely done unpacking before I do a great unveil on here and facebook.

Being at this new place of my own I have so much new energy. Because I have a ton of storage my life is once again clutter free and I feel so much more happy and relaxed. Having my own supply of food, knowing where everything is and not having to fight with my family's (primarily Dad's) mass amount of clutter and crap that would flood into that basement on a regular basis.

It makes me happy because it makes me realize there's really nothing wrong with me in regards to organization and keeping my environment clean. It's just when I'm in an environment where I feel like other people's interference is making it to hard to handle I crack and do nothing. Allow it to become a mess, not give a shit and look forward to the next time I'm leaving. Isn't that sad? Makes me glad as F*ck I don't have a husband or kid to take care of.


OH. My sister got engaged to Jimmy last month! Ha ha, like nobody predicted that one. Still I'm very happy to see she'll be marrying the man she loves. They've got such a stable relationship and life, I feel safe with Jimmy. I feel like he's not someone that would ever cheat or have major problems that would complicate or even be detrimental to my sister's self-worth.

According to my Dad, Avery has hardly any plans of going to college anytime soon. Which is understandable considering she's pretty much a master at her trade-- coffee making. And she's known virtually all over the tri cities because of her regular customers that always yell "Avery! Avery!" when they see her places. She's like made her own fanbase.

Another great thing about Roasters is that they're a sole proprietorship now but they've expanded very significantly in the area since openning. If they were to ever switch to being a publicly traded entity my sister would undoubtedly get the best stock options for her and Jimmy's loyalty to the company.

Okay that's it for now. School starts tomorrow and I'm really, really pumped up for it. Gonna work out a little, maybe do a tiny bit more art, then go to bed.. I actually got up at a decent hour this morning because I was expecting to have a Dr.'s appointment but it was cancelled because Zirk was sick. Poor guy. It's cool, I'm looking forward to getting a chance to talk to him tomorrow, get three months prescription and finally make the necessary steps to cut back my smoking dramatically for school. It was pretty impossible when I didn't have the resources to do it before because the meds I needed were for some reason unavailable for the past two weeks. Whatever.

Get it all squared tomorrow and have them transfer the prescription up here to Rite Aid. I'm not worried about much because my Dad dropped a few hundred in my account today and I have all the food I'll need for at least a week and a half for only $100. Thanks Bargain Market. God, another thing I missed. Even if they sometimes don't have everything they have a sh*t ton of good stuff, cheap. 

Like today I scored 4 pomagranites for $5. Okay you don't care, lol, bye.