.. RIP Chris Lopez..

I wish I could say today was a lot better than yesterday but it wasn't. The support from friends and family were what got me through the day.

This evening I called Ashley crying my eyes out because she always has a way of making me feel better. We talked for about an hour and a half about a lot of things-- anxiety, medications, I told her about Jack and what I'd went through last night that has sort of put a strain on my emotions, isolation... She's so wise beyond her years, she knows so much about mental disorders and how to manage them because she had to manage her own anxiety when she was only ten years old. We also talked a lot about her life and I learned some things I hadn't known before, including the hardship she went through with bullying both at school and at home when she was growing up. We also talked about school; she's going to school at UW right now and has one of her best friends there so she doesn't have the burden that I'm currently facing of not really having anyone close to me here.

But because I have people that I can call and talk to it helps a lot.

Today I was originally had plans to hang out with this girl Allie that I'd met at orientation. We were going to hang out at 4:30 today but at about 4' she sent me a text saying she wasn't feeling well. Here I am with makeup on, hair done, ready to maybe go out and do something... Nope. No plans. Weekends are the hardest part for me at CWU because on weekdays when I'm busy with classes I at least have a ton of stuff to get done every day that makes me not really need to go out and do anything. That and I see people in classes which makes the day more interesting.

On the weekends it's like... stuck here in my apartment, usually practicing guitar, watching netflix, whatever. I get tired of it. I really wanted to go out tonight and I felt so lonely. The loneliness and isolated feeling often times triggers panic so I've had a difficult panic day, too.

I talk to my mom about my struggles here and tend to go back and forth on it. Sometimes I'll call and everything will be great (usually when I'm getting good grades, starting to feel like I'm meeting friends, etc...) and other times I will call crying because I miss certain aspects of my old life and wish things were different here.

My New years resolution is to be more optimistic about Central, as well as improve my relationship with God to reduce my anxiety and feel more at peace with my life. Thus far the prayer has certainly improved my quality of life, it's extremely meditative to pray. When I feel pain I sometimes close my eyes and envision Jesus with his hand on my shoulder telling me that everything is going to be alright. It might sound weird to some but I have to do whatever it takes to overcome the anxiety.

I also came across some very tragic news today.

Chris Lopez was in my Japanese class during first year. I'm using this picture because this is how I remember him, he dressed kind of an emo/scene kind of look. Because of this I remember being a little afraid to talk to him because usually people that dress that way only really associate with other "scene" types. When I did talk to him I was pleasantly surprised to realize he's quite nice once you get passed the initial shyness. I always thought he was very cute, though I never really got to know him. 

I got the devastating news on facebook today that he took his own life. I was shocked... of course most people are in these situations. He was always so well put together, and based on what I'd seen on his facebook had friends, and seemed to have just recently been working at Starbucks and enjoying his job. People always try to put together the pieces as to "why" but as we all know what you see on the outside isn't always the greatest indicator of the feelings they're having inside. 

In his most recent posts (December 27, "Think I'll get my campsafe and haertagram tattoo tomorrow after work.) he was talking about getting tattoos. He recently had gotten a Japanese tattoo down his back as well. The last thing he posted was, "So keep in happiness and torture me..."(lyrics from Pierce the Viel) on December 29th. Those were his last words to the world. 

I know he's in God's hands now. He is at peace.

~~~

I am going to have a very long prayer tonight... 

peace. 

Made a boring day at home pretty productive, again.

People wonder why I exercise every single day. That right there.

Monday is now almost over.

I didn't really do much of anything all day. Got up around 10, read about forty or so pages of Memoirs of a Geisha (and I'll probably read more tonight), played my guitar for an hour and made some progress on both Inis Mona and cleaning up Schism.

My confidence in Japanese right now is so bad.... Chris posted some comment in Japanese and I couldn't read it at all. I mean I could read some words but it was just like my brain looked at it like it was the biggest annoyance imaginable. Like the characters looked like seeing something just hideously confusing. I've just lost all confidence in it. It's almost annoying to me now. Ever since I did shitty on that test, disappointed myself, FAILED. You guys understand what I'm dealing with now if I mess up on a test. I just feel like I can't even do it at all anymore and have no interest in continuing.

Todays been such a lonely ass day. I really haven't talked to anyone... Haven't texted anyone, so I guess it's sort of my fault I haven't talked to anyone. I just usually get texted first by people. I'll go days where I'm talking to people constantly and going out constantly, fun fun fun... then I have days where it's like, wow, nothing is happening. Well, I have tomorrow and wednesday for whatever I want to do because I'm not working, then I work on Thursday, and work during the weekend of course, then it's back to the old grind again and I'm not looking forward to my last quarter at CBC very much.

You know me, I'll make the most of it. I'm just SO done with that place. SO ready to move on...

I didn't even post on facebook that I've technically got my AA now. Reason being, I'm still gonna be going to that stupid ass school again next quarter. Secondly, it's like, wow, who cares, you've been there for three years, took you long enough. I mean my sister is probably going to have her AA when she graduates and she's only going to be 18. Her grades aren't as good as mine though, she's not as freaked out about it as I am.

I can't believe that it's only taken a few days of not being around my friends to feel like absolute crap. If I didn't have pot I'd probably be having an emotional breakdown, it's so stupid. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just try to relax and take things as they come.

I know! I'll exercise. That makes me feel better, every time. Take off this damn makeup, pull my hair up, and exercise for a good hour, then I'll play guitar for a good hour (making two hours today), and go to sleep. I'll feel awesome after that, guarenteed. : )

peace.