Saturday, April 30, 2011

GETTIN DOWN ON FRI-DAY. xD Chris's party, car problems, shlepping

If you didn't get the "getting down on Fri-day" reference, it's to that horrific song by Rebecca Black. Katelynn showed me it on Wednesday, and it's about as clique and attrocious as the above picture that me and Brenna took as a joke.

This weekend to this point has been pretty eventful. I went to Chris's anime night on Thursday with my new friend Josh, and it was pretty legit. Chris is a pretty good host. We actually only had a few animes playing in the background, and didn't actually watch it. There was this one that Brad brought that he had just gotten from Netflix that was like a tacky-1980's-Anime-Cinemax-porno. It was hilarious because every time I looked up there was some random sex scene.

This picture was taken very shortly after I tried to go out and start my car at about 1:30 AM and it wouldn't run. The chinese guy standing behind me was really nice and came out to jump start it, and Chris tried poking around at it too. It didn't seem to work, and we (me and Josh) ended up having to stay at Chris's house. That was fine, Chris was really freaking nice about it. : ) and had an extra room... Brad stayed over night too. That night I got really sick. No, not from drinking-- I don't drink and even if I did no minors were drinking anyways. To be honest I don't know what made me sick.

Josh couldn't sleep either, because every five minutes I was getting out of bed to go to the bathroom that was a few steps away to try to puke, or.. yeah. Not good. So Josh saw me sick, cursing because my car wouldn't start, and in the MORNING-- which is when I'm not looking fabulous. He still seems to like me though, so that's a plus. The only this is, is that he doesn't drive, which is hard for me.

I've kind of become notorious for taking pictures at my friend's events.

Today i'm going to a Korean banquet thing at my friend Hannah's church at about 4'. Should be pretty fun. Josh wants to go with him to his party that his friend is throwing him over in Waitsburg, but honestly I think spending the night with some guy I met on... Wednesday twice in one weekend would be a little much. Well, a lot much. I wasn't intending on spending the night with him in the first place on Thursday but with the circumstances involved I didn't have much of a choice. There's nothing wrong with him or anything, but we like-- just barely met. My parents probably wouldn't be to keen on me spending the night somewhere random again, but we'll see.

On Friday, I took a bath and realized that I had an outbreak of Schonlein purpura, which if you look up online is not NEARLY as bad as what the extreme case pictures are. Basically, there are little red spots that showed up over night because I stayed up all night and was really sick, and though there hasn't been on outbreak of it since middle school, suddenly decided to show up again. It's a viral disease, and seems to already be going away because I took a really, really long nap after being up all night yesterday, and then went to bed at a pretty regular time last night.So it's all good.

The thing is with purpura is it makes your joints really sore and achey. It's been hard to get motivated to run lately, but after I finish writing this I intend to do so because if I don't I won't get a chance to later. It also makes you want to sleep, constantly.

It's started to go away already though, and should be completely gone in a couple days.

A tank dress was on my wish list. :)

I got paid $250 for ebay sales!! yay! today I'm going to bid on a couple things on e-bay, like shirts and junk, and I'll have enough money to pay Sean for the ticket. I'm going to continue to list, and hopefully earn up some more money for the concert.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011


So today was the first day that has been really nice almost all spring. It's warm, with just a cool breeze outside. It was nice to walk to the S building today without powerwalking to get out of the cold. But seriously, this is the FIRST day this Spring that has been like this. There's either been cold, wind or lots and lots of rain. Which is fantastic, and such a blessing to me.

Why? Because cherry season this year is going to be horrendous!! My horrible uncle that has forced my dad out of the picture is going to have a grand time sorting through damaged fruit, and a completely deteriorated profit because of the weather this year. Plus, he's going to make it worse himself because he's so damn lazy that he's been HIRING people to do the most simple tasks that my dad used to do-- like PRUNING. If you don't know what pruning is, it's when you removed damaged branches and thin the top of the trees so that the lower branches can get more nutrients, overall making the tree healthier. It's sort of like cutting off dead ends of hair. This is a very simple, however tedious task that my dad used to do on a near daily basis for therapudic purposes, but because he's been kicked off my uncle is now hiring some Hispanic people to do it... Which costs money. I can imagine he'll be hiring more employees too to sort and do the work that me and Yolvani Maya did last year.

He'll probably hire all mormons to do the sorting and swamping because that's what my Grandma would want. SO, I made a point to tell Amy Campbell NOT to return because of what has happened. She probably wasn't intending too in the first place considering she's graduating this year, but I wanted to tell her anyways so that news might spread around to the mormon kids that they'd be dealing with complete bullshit. Unfortunately, money is money and people are going to go back there regardless... some might even be relieved that my dad is gone. But with my uncle as a ticket person and NOBODY on the crew that speaks Spanish, it's going to be a mess! And I can't wait to see it happen!!

So yesterday I got my hair cut by fabulous Nathan at the salon in Wal Mart and my hair looks super nice today. He told me that by getting a little trim every month can help my hair grow faster and stronger, so I'm going to do so. I really want my hair to grow out healthy.

Yesterday was my first haircut of my length since last February. That's one year, two months, since I've had my length cut because of paranoia due to having so many awful haircuts. Last time I went in and asked for some of the "Dead stuff" to be taken off, the girl cut my hair to shoulder length-- which is an AWFUL look for me. I HATE how I look with shoulder length hair, which is why I'm going to start getting these monthly trims to avoid having to get a ton of split ends removed down the line and getting it back to... that...

I hated this haircut so so so much!! Too short, supposed to be an A-line bob but looked like a damn dutchboy, and bangs that were an inch long. I am never trusting female hairstylists again, because I am convinced that most of them don't want to make other girls look prettier than them. Kim would NEVER cut her own damn bangs this short.

I am back into Japanese things again. As Andrew said, people tend to fall back into their old interests.. I am still excited to continue learning Japanese, even if it's intimidating as hell at times. But honestly, what's the rush. If I continue to study hard, I'll get better and better at it and eventually will be able to speak it to an extent. I've come this far, and I now have a good foundation of how their grammar works, so I'm going to continue to build on that. I'm going to have to review a lot this summer in order to maintain it though.

Nothing particularily interesting happened today, though I AM going to buy the tickets from Sean, who no longer wants to be anywhere near me. Not a problem, really, as long as he isn't rude to me. I just need to get that ticket soon, probably out of my ebay funds. Me and my dad have now racked up $500, which we'll be splitting. :) I'm happy my listings have done well.


Sunday, April 24, 2011




Because this weekend has sucked royally I'm planning on getting some work done today just to feel better about it. Today my goals are:

-Study Japanese for three hours, all for the final. Also make flash cards for the new chapter vocab. [3 hours]
-Read chapter 5 in drugs and health book-- do the assignment tomorrow. [1 hr]

-Get jogging assignment done. [45 min-1 hour]

Already got math done...

This means that 4 hours and 45 min today are dedicated to just getting homework done. So if I get started now, I can get it all done before Katharine comes over for dinner and things get loud. This next week of school, as all of the weeks have, intimidates me. This one especially because I have a chapter test in 日本語 that I have to study for.... I know that I can do it though. I just have to keep trying, and I know that I can continue this A streak. \(^ ^)/

The other day I watched a video on youtube that inspired me once again to teach English in Japan. I don't feel like digging up the video, but he made it seem pretty cool to me once again. I mean, I'm learning the language, and i'm going to continue to do so, so I need to get more enthused about it. I lost the interest in learning German, which I consider a good thing... it became distracting.

LOL could you imagine if I woke up one day and suddenly had the urge to continue learning Spanish? NEVER gonna happen, as much as my mom would love to see that. I don't care how much more employable it could make me, I don't want to learn it. I'm pretty sure after taking it with Schmick it'd give me PTSD.

E m i l y

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Just when I thought this fiasco was over.

My mom whips out fucking Netflix.

This morning I had to call customer service, AGAIN, for the third time. This morning, thinking everything was going to work, I ran "Bon Voyage" and it told me to INSERT FUN WITH PETS. Fuck!!! Because of course Fun with Pets doesn't work. I call customer service, again, explain to them my situation, and they tell me to delete Fun with Pets and they'll give me a free download of it... which means another lovely 6 hour long download depending on how my computer's internet bandwidth is feeling today. They ended up transfering me to a guy that says that they don't have Fun with Pets in their system because it's so old, but they do have apartment life that they could send me. So I deleted fun with pets, good ridance, and decided to have apartment life and have the game running would be JUST FINE with me-- and if I ever get a new disc drive I'll download the other two expansions later.

Regardless, I was HAPPY the problem seemed to be almost solved. I am very convinced that when this is finished loading, it will work.


Because my mom is using fucking NETFLIX IN THE LIVING ROOM TO FALL ASLEEP. I was SO FUCKING CLOSE to getting this thing to work, and she's like "I don't care, i'm so tired of hearing about you bitch about this game! I can't believe how over dramatic you're getting about a game!" Well I had to jump though about 12 flaming hoops and NOW I finally have it figured out and this thing would only take an hour to load if I had the proper bandwidth. But no, now shes in there with a movie that she's not even watching, and it's hogging the entire bandwidth.

Why the fuck is it that my computer doesn't have first priority with the bandwidth and her computer can run snail pace ass slow?! Because my computer is a stupid Dell desktop computer that has only caused me issues and frustration since I bought it.

This game says it has 9 hours left to download. I can't leave the computer because once it becomes idle it stops downloading. So I'm going to try to sit here, and study, and not obsess on how long the game is taking to load. When my mom falls asleep i'm going to go out in the living room and turn it off.

Today, my dad threatend to kick me out of the house because of my anger problems.

It's so funny that my dad has chronic anger problems and continually screams at everyone, then yells at me and acts like he never does it. Because of the amount of anger and depression that i've been going through I've started to scratch my own arm with my now long nails. I scratch into it like a cat would do if it scratched you. Fast, hard, and digs into the skin enough that it leaves a mark. I would never be able to take a razor blade to my arm, and to tell you the truth I don't know why I do this. When they asked about it I said it was a dog attack, but it's actually from me trying to calm myself down. Because for some reason, when I'm extremely angry or frustrated or depressed and feel like screaming at everyone, when I scratch into my arm it calms me down, and I now understand why people cut themselves.

I wish I didn't have anger problems. I wish I didn't have a personality disorder. I wish I didn't have to put my family through this, and I wish the tension would get better. This has been a domino effect. My dad's family abandoned him, my dad is going stir crazy, therefore my dad screams at us on a regular basis, creating tension in the house. This tension leads to me feeling angry, thus yelling at my mom and sister. This then leads to isolation, thus going stir crazy myself and causing self mutilation.

I need to stop this before it gets out of hand.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sims Downloading Nightmare.

I recently got a new computer, sort of. It's the Dell computer that was downstairs, that is currently making up for my lack of a laptop. Yep, my laptop finally took a shit and I lost my music, my custom sims town called Woodland with all of it's amazing characters, and GuitarPro. It sucks, but life goes on, I figured it would happen eventually.

Pretty much my entire day has been consumed by trying to understand why my Sims expansions have been having so much trouble downloading to my practically new Dell computer.

Originally, at about 8 pm last night... I thought it would be easy to download the sims games. Practically new computer, virgin of practically any downloading, six sims games that all downloaded perfectly onto my old laptop, and all of the serial codes. No problem, right? WRONG.

Last night I tried inserting the Double Deluxe disc, the base sims game. The disc drive didn't seem to read it, or recognize the information on the disc at all. Originally, me and my mom thought it was a broken or dirty disc drive, but then we inserted Sims Bon Voyage and it loaded fine. Okay, faulty disc. So then, I decided, Hell, might as well buy one from EA games.

I bought Double Deluxe and had to go through the process of creating a stupid EA games account as well as download the Sims download manager software, which is chock full of advertisements and other garbage. I proceeded to download it, and thought it would go fine.... I was very patient, as the game loaded about 0.01% every minute... sometimes it sped up, sometimes it would halt entirely and actually set BACK the percentage. This drove me crazy, yet I waited patiently until about 12 am when I had to go to sleep. By the next morning, it was at 98.05%, and stops.

I called customer service, and the woman on the line said there was nothing I could do, aside from get a direct internet connection. My mom and I MOVED my desktop computer to the floor, nearly breaking the screen, to do so. The download sped up a bit, then slowed down once more. I then moved my computer up to my desk again and somehow I picked up a good connection and downloaded.. in about four hours. Woo. But then I had the problem with my expansion packs...

Open for Business, Bon Voyage, and Freetime downloaded no problem because they are two disc games, but for some reason my computer would not read the other 1-disc expansions. So at this point my sims have the option to start a shitty business, spend their time at a pottery wheel, and go on vacation... but can't go to college, have pets or stay at hotels/apartments. I had to get ahold of customer service once more, and the woman told me I needed to contact my Dell provider instead because of the faulty disc drive. Right, like they're going to help me with this incredibly specific problem. I didn't lose hope though. I asked the woman if there was any way I could transfer the disc information from the sims game from one computer to the other-- because for some reason the 1-disc games work on my mom's computer. I know this is my Dell's fault.

So here I am, it's already 10:11 pm and I'm trying to transfer over my other sims games using my dad's thumbdrive-- which if it breaks I'm in deep shit. It's taking ages, because not only do I have to wait for the information from the sim disc to transfer to the thumb drive, but I also have to wait for it to transfer from the thumb drive onto my computer, THEN wait for the game to load. Thus far, my efforts have been futile. The stupid "Sims 3" advertisement software imbedded into the game has been screwing up my download. I'm trying really hard to make it work, but this is going to be my last attempt.. because at this point I don't know what to do. I could always buy another disc drive that could hook up to this one, but maybe it's the COMPUTER that doesn't read it... and then I'd waste money that I don't have.

So that's the story. It's a mess. I am really disappointed with not only the Maxis software, but how my computer has been acting.. I just wish it would of been simple like it was on my laptop and not an all day ordeal. Well hey, the Lord givith and the Lord takith away. Right now I've been working on getting University life downloaded, and honestly if this one works and the other two don't I'll be happy anyways. Apartment life is really nice, but I can still build hotels with Bon Voyage, I believe. Most of the features that I would want in Apartment life are available with Bon Voyage and Open for Business... however, when all of the expansions are working together, the game is fantastic and leaves a lovely campus for the greatest escape and creativity. I'm going to start sharing my creations online if I can get this damn game to run smoothly.

Today I ran, and shortly after me and my dad went out to dinner. So I guess the calories that I burned running didn't make much of a difference. I got a small hamburger at the Bears Den place, and it tasted really bomb. The menu options were kind of limited, so the hamburger was the only thing that looked good. It came with fries too, but I didn't eat them because I was already pretty full and didn't really want them because they're so bad for me.

Alright, gotta go, gonna mess around on mall world. Here I am, in my room, a computer next to me downloading a video game and a computer in front of me writing a blog. Wow, the internet changes people.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

what... am... I... going to do this weekend. o_o

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've never walked out
So until the sun burns out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

-The Suffering, Coheed and Cambria

Today was a lot better of a day then yesterday, partially because it's Thursday, and also because I didn't make an ass of myself in Japanese class today. i'm happy because I got a 19/20 on my math test, though the question that I did miss was stupid and I overthought it, thinking it was a trick question. Sometimes, that math class is so simple that it does that too you. Luckily now, we can use calculators.

Me and Katelynn are getting together on Saturday, and we're probably going to eat sushi and celebrate a recent holiday, haha. I'm really happy that things with her and Jon are turning around. At least one of us is in love and happy with the person they're with.

I really don't know what I'm doing today, to be honest... or tomorrow. Here is is 3:00 pm, its the weekend, and I have no plan what so ever. I would love to get a removable hard drive and download the sims to it so I can play the sims on my mom's computer. Honestly... that would partially solve the problem of my computer breaking down. Because I could put my music and sims on a seperate hard drive, thus solving this weekend boredom problem, haha. i'm still debating if I want to take on Sims 3 though. It's so over the top, and I've yet to finish a completely custom city on Sims 2.

I'm gonna go, really don't have much to say today that's of interest. I'd rather keep what's on my mind to myself today, to be honest.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The worst 4/20 ever. I regret what I eat every day.

Wow, I'm having a horrible fucking day.

It's been shitty since the time I woke up and continues to be shitty. It's another one of those days when I look in the mirror and go, "You're ugly, worthless, lazy and I fucking hate you and you should really just go kill yourself."

My computer is broken, which is expected because that picture is a piece of shit and has been breaking since day one. This is bad though because it has all of my old college documents, as well as my music on it. It also had my giagantic completely custom made sims town that never got uploaded anywhere so that entire work of art that I've put hundreds of hours into is gone. I won't be able to charge my Zune without completely clearing the software, and don't have CDs for most of it.

I brought up the computer being broken to my mom, and she said that she has seen NO EFFORT in going out and finding a job. Well, after turning in about 25 applications and not getting a call back, you can't blame me. Ebay is not making any money for me because my dad doesn't know how to transfer money to my credit card and wants to get me a stupid paypal card with the money I make... I don't WANT  a paypal card. Nothing I ever buy takes paypal. I buy gasoline, and nessesities, and occasionally coffee. Period. Haven't bought any clothes in months because I'm frugal and know that I won't have a job for a long time.

So I have to submit more applications... And probably not get any calls back again. It's all luck. I have no luck, at all. I have no confidence and social anxiety so picking up the phone and actually calling a hiring manager is about as hard as swallowing wet dog food. My mom doesn't understand how hard this is for me, at all.

I need to go run, I ate two piece of pizza and did some pilates but I know that didn't even scrape the amount of calories I consumed. I get so fucking scared any time I eat anything that's bad for me and I know it is. Because I know that I might have thyroid problems which leaves me no leeway and that if I eat bad I'll gain weight really fucking fast. Today I ate a snickers bar at school because I forgot to pack a lunch and then ate PIZZA, I ATE SNICKERS AND PIZZA. WHY THE HELL WOULD I EAT THAT?! DO I WANT TO BECOME A COMPLETE FAT FUCK?

I'm going to go run after I finish this entry. I'm not going to eat anything else tonight. I don't deserve to eat.


Monday, April 18, 2011


It's cold in here. I always get this way after I go on a run, my body feels chilly. It could partially be because I think I'm getting sick. My nose has been running, and I've been coughing a lot and I just don't feel well. Luckily, I still had enough energy today to study my kanji, and will study for another 2 hours tonight to be extra prepared. Chapter test is next thursday, and I'm going to have to do a lot of studying for that shit too.

System of a Down is coming up. Friday, May 13th bitches!!
I'm so excited, it's coming so quickly, in less than a month I'm going to get to see the band that helped me survive highschool in person. It's going to be incredible.

Problem is, I don't know who I'm going with. Currently, I'm pretty sure katelynn and john might be going because it's a birthday present for John. The problem is though, with the lack of contact with Sean I doubt he still wants to go with me. I am probably going to ask him if I can buy the ticket from him, and just give it to my friend Frodo who wants to go. He lives up in Bonney Lake which is 20 minutes off of seattle, so we'd even have a place to stay (he lives on his own). Though I only recently met him, he seems really cool and would probably be fun to go with. I'm sure Sean would sell me the ticket. He didn't seem to stoked to go in the first place.

We'll have to see. Either way is fine, but if Sean goes with us we're probably going to need to get a hotel because driving home at 2 am from Seattle is a bit different from Spokane. Way longer of a drive, and way more intimidating. I really just hate hotels though. They now remind me of the last time we were in Seattle... ugh. Gross. Throwing up. Paranoia. Fuck no. But if that's how it's supposed to be, I'm sure it'd be a lot different. Still, that'd be pretty awkward too... yea. ><

Today I ran a couple miles, and it felt so good out there. This weather is fantastic. I left at 6:30 pm and it was still light out when I got home and was so nice and warm. My mom said it was a long run, and it did seem longer than usual. I ran pretty hard, but I can't seem to jog/run the whole route yet by a long shot. I hope by the end of this quarter I can get through the whole route with only one stop. It's a lot harder to not stop when you're alone then when you're running with someone else though.

Katelynn might be coming to live with me some time next week. I'm not going to post anything else about it, but it'd be fun if she did.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

This whole thing has reached such insanity. I hate them all.

Already almost 9:00 pm? Really? The day has flown by. I feel like I've gotten most of what I've needed to get done... done, besides sending in my running log for this week because the computer in my room is busted. It's been on the start up loading screen for 4 hours now. I need to try to get it working though because I think it's due at 11'. I'm really bad with these online classes, haha.

So tonight we had hamburgers for dinner because I was craving it for some reason. I very rarely crave anything red meat, but I felt like I wanted something with some substance I guess. As you guys know, I eat a LOT of fruit, a lot of asian food, and a ton of cereal-- raisin bran to be more specific.
I love Raisin bran. Why? Because it's healthy, has a lot of whole grain, and I can eat a LOT of it without consuming too many unhealthy calories. Really the only fattening thing about Raisin bran is the 2% milk that I have with it, but I think the good in this stuff completely outweighs the bad. I mean it keeps me full for a longer period of time than any other food I can think of. It's sweet, too. So sweet and delicious.

More fucked up family issues....

Speaking of fat, my uncle Ty struck again today. My Dad hasn't been eating at all today because he's been sickened by what he said. Essentially, my uncle got the paperwork to buy the farm. He came up to my Dad, who was talking to this guy Sean today, and right in front of my Dad's friend says: "I got the paperwork to buy the farm, so you need to get all your shit off this property." He's basically saying he has the legal rights to make my dad get his stuff out of his barn, and burn it down.

The barn is my Dad's life. It's been his escape for years. He's got so much stuff in that barn that he's accumulated over the years.. tools, antiques, wood.. probably thousands of dollars worth of stuff in there. But now where are we going to put it? We'll have to sell it, probably have a massive yard sale and sell all my dad's stuff for next to nothing.. and then the barn will get burnt down. All just because of my selfish, horrible uncle and the rest of his family just sitting around watching this unfold. Ty is a fucking idiot, a fucking MENTAL CASE. I hate him so much,  I figure eventually his paranoid schizophrenia and obesity will catch up with him eventually. For twenty damn years my dad was out on the farm doing hard labor to keep it maintained, when Ty was up in his room smoking pot and sleeping all day.

My Grandma is even dumber. Without my Dad, the farm is now run by an alcoholic (my uncle Todd) and my mental case uncle. Neither of which can be trusted. Todd has his own farm adjacent to ours, and has for the most part stayed out of this until recently. My dad went to him looking to get HELP, and Todd said that he didn't have to worry about anything. Few weeks later, Ty and Todd are all buddy-buddy and essentially have ganged up against my Dad to get him off the property. My grandma, who could of stopped all this in the beginning, has not said anything. She hasn't stood up for my dad once. MY DAD HAS DONE ALL THE WORK AT THAT FARM AND MAINTAINED IT FOR 20 YEARS, YET MY GRANDMA IS TOO DUMB TO SEE THAT. Or maybe she does. She knows that if Ty doesn't get what he wants, there is potential that he could leave, and Ty takes care of Grandma. Recently she couldn't get all the way up the stairs so she needs someone's assistance. Maybe after this is over she'll move to Utah with her sisters or something.

But honestly, I think my Grandma, my aunt Teri and whoever claims to be mormon in this situation is kidding themselves. Family and God is basically what the mormons base their religion around, from what I've heard from Mormon people themselves. If they're such good Mormons how could they allow my Dad and my family to be completely shut out. A long time ago, Teri told me that I don't understand the situation. Oh yes, it's so complicated isn't it? Selfish, stupid people aren't that complicated. My dad is miserable, and if my Mom left him he would be completely alone in the world. My whole family is hurt by this.


To anyone that reads my blog, I'm sorry that most of my entries lately have lead to talking about this situation. I just feel like I have to put it somewhere.

Someday, I hope to confront them and tell them how much I sincerely hate them, and that they are no longer a part of my family. Because it's true, they aren't. I might have their genes, but I will never consider them people I can trust or... even make direct eye contact again. They make me that disgusted. They will never step foot on my wedding, or get to hold my future baby, or even meet my future children for that matter. Doesn't really make a difference though, I don't think. I mean, I've never really met or talked to my Grandma/Grandpa's brothers and sisters (on my Dad's side anyway), and it hasn't effected my life, and it probably won't effect my kid's lives. My wedding is probably going to be in California so that my mom's side (which is pretty small) can attend.

OH! Lastest news! My family "took a vote" and my Dad was "voted out!" WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

I told Amy Campbell not to work for them this summer, and I hope she spreads the news to the other LDS kids that I know they're going to ask to work there.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Damn salty asian food is addictive.

I'm really hoping I don't get a sunburn or tanned from running out in overcast today. The weather was beautiful this morning, but because I've been busy didn't get a chance to run until an hour or so ago. The weather was still nice, though it was windy. It was like a creepily warm wind. I think there's going to be a storm tonight.

Yesterday me and Katelynn hung out, had tilapia, and enjoyed ourselves for a few hours. She went home around 2'. Me and Scott talked while he was at his friend's house, and I'm a little bit nervous to go back and read what I wrote to him. hopefully it made sense. I just remember me and Katelynn were laughing our asses off while we were writing things, yet at the same time... yeah, people sometimes get *confused* about what other people write if they don't hear the tone of what they say. My dad brought home costco groceries last night and my family has somehow consumed almost two loaves of pound cake. o_o My dad has an insane sweet tooth and love of carbs, yet he isn't obese. He's probably technically overweight because he's slightly short. I'm honestly glad I'm not as big of a junk food junkie as my dad and my sister are, but I still have my unhealthy perks...

..My biggest one being a very high consumption of salt and caffiene. I eat cup noodles for snacks pretty frequently, usually after school or around this time before dinner on the weekends (if we even have a sit down dinner at all on the weekend). Though these little bastards are incredibly high in salt, they are hot and tasty and eating hot food prevents me from snacking. When I eat something hot I usually feel much more satisfied than if I just eat processed snack foods.

I was going to make one of them but it looks like we're gonna have this pf changs thing. No, not really PF Changs, one of those entrees you buy in the frozen section at wal mart. They look pretty delicious and it beats eating ramen for dinner. I just love rice. too much haa. AHHHH this is so delicious!! PF Changs frozen entries are so goooood!!!

I think I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening just enjoying myself. Saturday night. :)


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

私はかんじをだいきらい... And a spontanious confession.

No phone, damn.

Tonight, right after I get done with this blog entry, I am going to spend two hours studying kanji. Because I need it, so bad. I realized this today when I had to look up practically every kanji... even 飲む, one that I knew a couple months ago but forgot it. My vocab skills and grammar is top notch from studying it so much  because thus far that's whats been prodominantly graded.

...But I am really trying to learn this language, and I've studied my ass off, but if I go to Japan kanji is everywhere and I at least want to know enough kanji to get around. My speaking skills at this point overall is pretty limited, yet the more I listen to Japanese the more I seem to understand and put two and two together based on what i've learned. It's exciting. Going to tutoring center every day has helped a lot.

Kanji is just piling on every single day, and I need to crack down more on it or I am going to be in a world of hurt when Sensee starts grading based on kanji use that we should know on homework and tests.

It's 8:00 pm, and today I basically went to school, went to japanese tutoring, drew in the Atrium, and came home. Then I ran a couple miles... Then I ate some microwave burritos for dinner.

Wouldn't it just suck if that's how lame my blog entries were every day? Ha ha. Usually this is why I just rant or talk about my feelings in my blog instead of talking specifically about my day, because oftentimes it's quite boring-- or not. I often experience things that I think "Man, I should blog about this.." but then forget.

rock is usually my first choice.

Today we actually tried playing rock paper sissors in japanese. Hannah was a champ, immediately, because she has a game just like it in korea. I didn't really get the game (it's not much like the one we have here in the United States), so I didn't really play. Hannah played with Gladys and sensee, though most people in the class were so confused.

Speaking of people in there, the system of a down concert is coming up and Sean said he thinks he should be able to go... but he's not making any promisses. If he can't, I'm going to buy the ticket from him and bring another friend. I can't go alone, but I have to go. and somebody might get to go to the concert free if Sean bails. Still, it'd be really cool if Sean could go, and then Katelynn/Jon could go to seattle with us for Jon's bday. They're not intending on going to the concert though because tickets are sold out...

In other news...

My transition between wellbutrin and paxil is nearly completed, though recently i've been feeling panicy and stressed. But there really is no point to it. I don't know why these thoughts haunt me and catch me off guard at times. My fears, my worries, my anxieties. But worrying is pointless. I just want to relax. It's so hard for me to relax. I think they've gotten worse though because of this transitional period. God forbid, I took paxil for 5 years, it's gonna take time to get it out of my system. Writing helps me though, I love this blog...

Someone in my family is very depressed, and it's very depressing to see him sad.

I really truly hate my dad's side of the family now. I do. Some say you can never hate your own family, but I'd beg to differ at this point. What they've done is disgusting. And I never want to see them again. Ever. Whats been done is done, and I can never forgive them for it. I will never be able to look my uncle Ty in the eyes. He's a dillusional puke, and I honestly think he's dangerous because he's mental. They are all acting like what has happened is normal, and it's as if they're trying to just put it out of their heads now and move on with their senseless lives. The most hilarious thing about this is that they're mormon, who are supposed to make family one of their highest priorities. But we're not mormon, so we've always been sort of outcasts in the family anyways.

My Grandma was never too interested in what me and Avery were doing, but would go on and on about my cousins about how fantastic they are. My aunt is simply playing along with this cherade because she doesn't want to take care of my Grandma. Because she knows that if Ty looses his "power" in taking over the farm, he's going to have a complete meltdown and could potentially stop taking care of my Grandma. So then my aunt would have to step in. She tells me that I don't understand what is going on, but I do. My dad was cut from the farm because Grandma and Ty wanted a bigger chunk of the money, though neither of them particularily deserved it because my dad does all the work. However, my Dad was HAPPY to break it into thirds. My grandma and uncle accused my parents of stealing, and Ty has essentially told my dad to get his stuff off the property because he's no longer "welcome there" and my grandma just sat through it, acting like she couldn't even hear it. Disgusting.

I no longer wanted to be associated with them, so I deleted all of them from my list of relatives and blocked them. I kept Traci up though (and has been the only person I've been in contact with since the fiasco) because she was not involved in this situation, and can actually admit to the fact that this is bullshit. Yes, she has her problems. I have my problems too, everyone has problems. But in living with Ty who told her to "Go kill yourself, we're all waiting for you to do it," I'm just happy she's not living there anymore.

These sick people I no longer consider family (excluding Traci). The only people that I consider family is my mom's side, and someday I hope to live closer to them. I haven't seen them in two years, and my cousins Aiden and Zoe look so much older now, and we've never even gotten to spend time with them. The only reason that my parents started living in Washington in the first place is because of this farm, and now that we're still living in Benton city my family feels extremely isolated because my dad's entire life has completely turned upside down. But I wouldn't want to leave Washington, obviously, it's my home. And if I didn't grow up here I wouldn't know Katelynn and Katharine. And I think my shitty overall experience in benton city has made me a stronger and more intelligent person in the long run.

Shit, where did that come from.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Crime Scene Investigation and Forensic Work.... off my list of potential careers.

I know this is disturbing, but this is the kind of thing that I would have to see and overcome if I were to go into a career in CSI.

This picture, alone, makes me never want to go into crime scene investigation work. Originally, after reading a bunch of cold case books and watching the stories of murders and serial killer biographies, I thought my interest in criminal justice would be enough to give me a reason to consider making it a career choice. Today, I saw this picture and realized I could never do it.

I didn't go around searching for this photo, but it came up randomly in an image search. This is from a forensic picture site meant for undergraduate and postgraduate students.

This is the website, though like the picture above the pictures on the site are disturbing. Most of them are from numerous methods of suicide, as well as homicide. This picture of the little boy alone made me sick enough to turn away from ever doing this. The media that talks about suicide and homicide don't show the reality of it. How truly disturbing hearing that "a young boy got shot in the head this afternoon" is.

Originally, I thought forensics might be a good path for me, but my parents said that they don't think I would be thick skinned enough for it. They were right. I literally feel like I'm going to throw up just from seeing some of these pictures from this website-- because it's the reality of the situation. These people that perform autopsies must be completely emotionally numb-- not saying that they're bad people, but it takes a certain personality to do something like this... someone that doesn't take anything they hear or see to heart unless it relates to them. Personally, I'm way too compassionate to do something like this.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Spring quarter, you intimidate the hell out of me.

It's weird how every weekend I feel like I'm dreading the next week because of how much studying and work I'm going to have to do, but at the same time I am relieved because I think of how much I hate being at home doing nothing.

Yesterday I saw Shavonne, and she is currently living at her own apartment all by herself under social security. She is an extremely independent parapalegic person who used to go to school with me. Now, she is sort of in limbo because her boyfriend (practically fiancee) is going to school up in Ellensburg and she's here in the tri-cities, not going to school because the government won't fund it anymore. I had dinner with her, she made some really good steak and potatos with corn. Lol, I'd like to whip together dinner for one of my friends sometime soon.

Last night the guy I really like was drunken texting me, which was really funny. I'm afraid he's embarrised by it today though, haha. Him and his friends were up seeing a hockey game or something... Who knows.

I'm happy that I got most of my homework done this weekend earlier because I'm really unmotivated tonight. I am thinking I'm going to take a bath and then really crack down on it. Usually doesn't work, I typically get even more lazy after a bath... My sister just got out of the shower though, which is usually freakishly hot and she takes really long ones because she doesn't have a lineup behind her like we used to do. My sister is a complete hot water hog, so I'm happy she showers at night. Still, a nightly bath is always good, even if not nessasary. It just feels good to relax at the end of the day, but it tends to make me really tired.

I think I'm going to make it a goal to be a little more quiet and reserved in my Japanese class this week. I feel like I've gotten more comfortable in there with people, so consiquently have gotten louder. Shit, that reminds me I have to call sean about the system of a down concert. ............................Okay, I just called him and he isn't entirely sure if he can go yet, which is scary. But if he can't what I intend on doing is buying the ticket from him and then going with one of my friends. I know that Robert would really want to go, and so would Adolfo. Of course Robert works all the time though. This is just if Sean can't, and he said he's pretty sure he can at this point.

I'm exausted, going to bed now. At least today I got all my jogging and drugs and health stuff done so I'll have allll day tomorrow to study japanese.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

"What the hell is an electrometer?" & How some American subcultures destroy things.

An electrometer is an electrical instrument for measuring electric charge or electrical potential difference.

This is my facebook URL name as well as, obviously, the URL name for this blog as well. I would use it as a YouTube name, but EWilsonLife seemed more suited because it's a username I can't possibly get sick of. That's the thing about YouTube, I've had to change accounts numerous times because I got sick of my username. Like, tennisloverew for instance. This was the account I made my sophomore year, but none of my videos were about tennis or even semi related to sports in general, and it didn't make sense. BassChik509  bugged me when I stopped playing the bass and none of my videos had anything related to that, either. So on both youtube and facebook, I picked names that I couldn't possibly outgrow. Electrometer means nothing. It's just a funny, obscure word that nobody uses except for weird science nerds.  : ) That's how I like it.

Meh, tonight is pretty slow, and I'm actually considering going to bed. It's been a long day. I'm proud, studied Japanese for a whole two hours. Yet I still don't feel any more prepared for this て form and ている stuff more than this morning. 

I'm just having a hard time focusing in Japanese class, honestly. I feel like I've lost interest, and the thought of going through another quarter of studying my ass off to continue to get A's on the tests is pretty unappealing. I explained this to Sean this morning-- In college, they don't recommend you take ALL your classes in your major because you get burnt out on it, and that's how I feel. Burnt out. Being so into Rammstein now, German sounds more appealing. I WANT to learn a second language, and be fluent in one someday, yet sometimes in Japanese I feel like what I've learned so far is a crumb in comparison to the whole cake. Two quarters of this... two quarters of studying this on a daily basis, yet I still feel like I can barely speak it at all. With spanish, I barely put any effort into it, aside from cramming, yet I can still understand A LOT of what people say when I hear it in spanish today, and can even make very basic sentences when working out in the cherry orchards. If those Mexicans were Japanese, I wouldn't be able to say anything, haha.

My friend Andrew said that oftentimes, when people suddenly find out that they don't like something that they've liked for an extended period of time, it's a phase and i will find interest in it again. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. The weeaboo thing really sucks the air out of it... 

BUT, I cannot judge a culture based on how American subcultures personify it! This is the problem with Rammstein as well, in a sense. There are many Japanese culture obsessed Americans, and I'm one of them. I mean, I can't by hypocritical. Yet, I still respect my own European roots as well as the fact that I AM an American, and I AM PROUD TO BE CAUCASIAN. The people that bother me are the idiots that try so hard to LOOK Asian and wish they WERE Asian. It's very... obnoxious, and it really deteriorates my interest, but at no fault to the Japanese people themselves. I think if I go to another anime convention my interest in Japanese culture will completely be lost. 

Not a real poster that was made with the band's consent. 

Then of course there's Rammstein. In Germany, they are not a Neonazi band, they are a hard rock band. They were never thought of as Neonazis over in Germany, but when their music became popular in the United States, these white supremacists that consider themselves "Neonazis" thought it would be cool to personify Rammstein as being their anthem. So now, when people hear that I love Rammstein I know that some might be thinking that I'm racist.  

What's keeping me from learning German, and trying to be trilingual (haha) is this:

1. I'm already learning Japanese, and I don't think my mind would be able to take trying to learn two languages at once. Though, because german is so different, I wouldn't get the words mixed up like I did sometimes with Spanish and Japanese words (It's said that Japanese sounds the most like Spanish, but sounds NOTHING like German).

2. My Mom's heritage is Jewish. My Grandpa's family is full Jewish, my mom is half. My Grandpa had a friend that's relatives were musicians during the holocaust that were hired to entertain in concentration camps during soldier's meals to stay alive, and their names were on Shindler's list. The holocaust makes Germans look like horrible people, which many of them in political power at the time and were involved in the horrendous concentration camps were. However, EVERY country had a part to play in World War II, though some more than others. During war the Japanese were known for being ruthless and heartless as well, and I'm sure we Americans were said to be the same thing. What I'm saying is, EVERY culture is known to be politically corrupt at one time or another, Germany being particularly bad.

3. Just thinking the guys are hot and loving a German rockband isn't enough of a reason to learn a language. I know nothing about their culture except for the fact that they're the fattest country after America. The same thing could be said about learning Russian. I really did consider it when me and Aleksandr were talking all the time. Russian guys are incredibly hot, but the country is dangerous and scary. Not worth it, haha. My interest in japanese culture has been an ongoing thing for years. 


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Busyness is my savior.

I feel as happy as this little girl because of the bloody bread.  

My depression has almost completely ceased due to the feeling of overwhelming busyness that has already erupted now that school has started. Also, WellButrin is doing wonders. Not only have I had decreased appetite, but I've also been more energized and even happier. I think my doctor made a very good choice. I feel like I'm not procrastinating any more, I have Hannah in Japanese to pal around with, me and Katelynn are getting together, and my ebay listings are going to get bids soon because the auctions are ending soon and they have a bunch of watchers. Hopefully, my first wave of items are going to be a success. Once the listings end, I will list more. I think if they all end at the same time I can mail them all out and get them all packaged with one swoop instead of doing packaging every day as auctions end.

YAY! One of my auctions is up to $78 and it still has like 5 days left!  I'm gonna start selling these tonka trucks more often, my dad has a shit ton of them down in his basement.

Really, there is one thing that would make things better, but at this point I can tell it's not going anywhere. No communication what so ever suddenly, and I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore..  Oh well, someday that void in my life will be filled, but probably not any time soon and I just need to accept that. I don't need to go looking for it if it's just going to lead me to random dead ends.

My dad really needs to learn how to communicate with me... I tried to talk to him about my financial situation as an adult, as my debit card is now connected with a credit line that charges my dad when I use it. Unfortunately, he has to turn it into a screaming match, telling me "Not to use that card as a habit". Well, I need about $30 a week for school, which is climbing with gas prices. I pack a lunch every day. I drive 65 mph to increase mileage. I do everything I can to save money... Haven't bought makeup for myself in months. He doesn't seem to understand that though, and I can definately understand why my mom doesn't talk to him now. He wants to be talked to like an adult but instead it always turns into yelling.. yelling and screaming. I'm so tired of it. My dad is in a terrible situation right now, though he doesn't need to take it out on us.


Monday, April 4, 2011

Spring Quarter is looking pretty good.

I sort of like someone, but I don't think they like me back anymore because I'm too young. He's 23 and I'm 19... He's really cute, and we've talked a few times and flirted but now he doesn't seem to want to talk because he doesn't initiate conversation. I am not going to initiate it because I don't want to seem desperate and lame. I assume nothing is going to come of it and we're never even going to meet because of it, unless I see him around CBC randomly. I wonder if he'd recognize me. I think I look sufficiently like my pictures. We'll see what happens, probably nothing. Hes said i'm cute numerous times, but I just get the feeling he's not interested anymore. Who knows.

It's 11:21. My first day of school went really well today, though I had to get a class switched. Witherspoon basically blew through 3 sections of... my entire highschool math experience, in an hour. Note that I haven't taken math in two years. It kicked my ass, so I switched over to Zhang's class. Luckily he let me overload. It should make much more sense in math 96, though Michael said it's going to be way too easy.

Jogging and drugs and health seems really easy based on the online syllabus and checking out the course... jogging is pretty, well, easy. Turn in running logs, times and comments. Piece of cake. To get fun credit you have to run a mile in under 12 minutes and 30 seconds. Wow. I'm sort of interested in timing myself though, but I have no real way of telling how much a mile is unless I want to run around the stupid school track and look like a moron.

Japanese III is super packed but it's all people i know. Hannah is back! Woo! I'm really happy she is because now I have someone to talk too and we benifit from eachother. I don't benifit from someone who doesn't study at all, and when I study with Jon Stewart he doesn't benefit from me because he knows everything.. so he's basically tutoring me. Not the best.

Anyway, gonna get some sleep. I hope I get a call from Lets Party for an interview... I really pray I do. I want to be as busy as I can be.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

My reflection back on my miserable experience at Ki-Be Middleschool.

I'm not going to be a fucking push over.

This just brought me back to how much I hated middleschool, which makes me sick even to this day.

The original post was directed towards Josie's picture that is captioned "Yeah, I should go tanning." In my opinion, which, because I've matured since my Freshman year has changed, is that girls that are naturally light skinned look better with light skin. That's just my thought on it. It really has nothing to do with Josie, she can tan if she wants.

Notice that after Kim wrote that, obviously attempting to bash me for something that happened when I was 14, I actually agreed with her. This is me being a PUSHOVER, not wanting to cause conflict. But then she continues to be a bitch. I'm just done with this. I have no reason to be in any relationship what so ever with any of these people from my lovely "Ki-Be Class of 2010" that made my life a living hell for twelve years.

But the most miserable time was Middle school, 7th grade especially.

 I was sort of pondering over this last night. How miserable and out of place they would make me feel, back in middle school when my mom would *encourage* me to try to make friends because I was always a "floater" that never really had any close friends, aside from Katharine and Katelynn. Katharine of course is a class above me, which made a huge difference. Needless to say, never had any classes with her and rarely saw her around school. Maybe passed her in the hallway sometimes. And then Katelynn was over at Dessert Hills. The only close friend that I had from my class really was Jordan, though she was so popular that she had so many friends that she had to divide her time amongst, many of which didn't like me either.

I tried, I did. I really TRIED to find a friend from my class, but it never really happened. When I got up to highschool things got a lot easier because I became friends with Robert and Skyler, along with more people as I got into my junior year that were much more accepting and friendly. I really wish I could of known Robert and Skyler in middle school, though at the time since I wasn't into rock music we wouldn't of had much to talk about.

The Groups, Looking back on middle school...
I look back on the groups of friends that seemed to continue into highschool from my class, none of which I fit into. There was the Mormon group that sort of hung with the very over achieving, straight A kids. These were very nice people, though their table at lunch was always full and I remember being kicked from there a couple times because there practically had reserved seats. That's fine, didn't fit there anyways-- I wasn't Mormon, nor was I nessasarily over achieving. I never had a problem with any of these people, though. I know Kirsten didn't like me, which was the only apparent one from that group, but there was probably more.

Then there was the group of popular kids. They hung out over on the hill by the bleachers. Some of these people stayed "popular" in my class, if you can even call it that. I mean the most obvious one I can think of was Jessica Small, who continued to be the envy of a lot of girls into highschool. Tall, blonde, athletic, yadda ya. Back then though there was also Hannah, Lisa, Kim S., Sherae, Jessica, Hailey (who made my life even more of a living Hell), Haley... I was definately a floater here, and if I was there nobody nessasarily told me to leave, though if I said anything the girls would just sort of pass over it and act like my opinion didn't mean anything. There were the popular guys, the main ones were from my class during middle school, as I remember-- Tim, Nick, Shelden, Zach M., Gerban, Chris H. Shelden probably being the most popular, and continued to be throughout highschool.

I guess I kind of hung out with the "Jordan Group" as my mom liked to call it, because the group practically existed because so many people liked Jordan. This dispersed after Jordan moved away the summer after 7th grade.  This is pretty much where I hung out, for the most part. It consisted of Jordan (of course), Cheyanne R. (who became popular the next year), Valerie (..Same), Kim F./Kim E. (Same, but was more with the popular group during 7th grade too), sometimes Josie, Jordan's boyfriend Zach, and a few 8th graders that I can't remember. It changed on a practically daily basis.

There were also kids that would play soccer almost every day, which wasn't really an interest of mine. I didn't want to get all sweaty.

The 8th graders pretty much dominated the Hill over by the soccer fields and the tables. Katharine would usually hang out on the hill with Celeste, or-- I don't really know, sometimes she'd want to hang out with me up there and I'd feel extremely awkward and out of place. Sarah V., Alma and Kayla Main intimidated the hell out of me, and so did most of those girls. I would usually bail pretty quick. REALLY didn't feel like I fit there. I'm assuming they could probably tell.

The fact that Kim took something from when I was in the 8th grade literally makes me laugh. Reading back on this I realize how much I, and many people in my class, have changed dramatically since that time. We're all on different paths now, and to refer to something like THAT as an insult was pretty pathetic.
I was extremely unconfident, and my Mom probably had me get that spray tan to make me feel better about myself. Obviously, some people still must use that as a reference.


Friday, April 1, 2011

This is an anime drawing that I did recently for my artists challenge on FaceBook. I really like how this one turned out and wanted to post it. If I had a scanner I'd get a higher quality photo up. Doesn't matter that much though, the artists challenge is to see my own improvement over time.

I'm going to make this quick. Maybe I'll write more later.

So I'm pretty sure this Wellbutrin is kicking in. That, or I am bipolar and I'm going through a "manic" phase. No, not really. I'm just feeling a lot better than yesterday. Probably because school is starting soon, as it is OFFICIALLY April 1st. Happy April fools day.

Today my goal is to:
  •  study Japanese for two hours-- because I haven't done it at all lately.
  • List 3 items on ebay.
  • Get at least an hour of tennis (going to leave here shortly).
  • Draw a picture of the day for my art challenge.
That sounds pretty reasonable. I think setting little goals for myself helps me a lot... It gets my mind off the lack of job situation and helps me focus on what I CAN do.
Next quarter I'm going to be spending more time at school, from 9-2 pm. My math class is at 1' which leaves a pretty big chunk in between my Japanese class and math. I'm hoping I can use this time to study. This also means that I really have to make a point of making a bento box or pack a lunch of some kind for myself every day.

The nice thing about Wellbutrin thus far is that I haven't been nearly as lathargic and tired during the day as I once was with Paxil. I'm so glad I'm off disgusting Paxil. It made me miserable.

Wow, mom is bitching at me about dishes, and I know that if I don't do them she's going to get all self pity party again. Most the dishes are because Avery and her friends come in, pig out and leave. Of course this is perfectly excuseable because Avery has friends and a job and she's not a creep recluse like me. God damn it, getting depressed again. I need to leave.