made my spine tingle.

 It's been one of those days that the anticipation for something else has made me lazy. Right now I'm waiting for some water to boil, I'm going to make a great cup of tea and study statistics and economics tonight. Sometime this weekend I have to read that Speech book, seriously even if that class is the biggest challenge for me to pay attention to, I need to at least try. I'm sure that book can give me some really good tips on professional speaking...

I've really been trying to get the most out of that speech class. I know that it's going to help me out a lot in the real world because going into business you continually have to communicate with people. The lectures in that class are just awful though because I found that by this point in the day my mind is completely wrapped up in what I'd listened to or experienced earlier and it's hard for me to focus on something that seems less relevant to me because it's from the Comm major.

I should really be happy that I'm getting that opportunity to experience that class that's out of my major though. I'm having a feeling I'm going to meet a lot of interesting people in that class if I could just stop judging people. I know I mentioned the crazy fake tans in that class earlier. I have to try very hard not to do that because it only hinder's people's progress.

And there's nothing wrong with being tan. I mean look at this photo, if I were to get spray tanned on a regular basis that would be about the skin change difference. But it's expensive, lasts a short amount of time, and streaks everywhere... At least on me. 

I think I just associate it with bad times. Like in middle school where my Mom would try to help me present myself decently but I would end up with ridiculous looking streaky half-orange arms from tanning lotion. My Mom and sister have always been able to put that stuff on flawlessly but with my skin it just doesn't sit well. People have actually told me that my tattoo is fading and I need to get it touched up. 

....That makes my spine tingle, I'd like to go do that to feel the needle again.

Is that weird? I just really liked the adrenaline rush from getting a tattoo. I associate it with new beginnings, yet now my tattoo also holds the scar of a lost friendship.

Clint told me he's started talking to Katelynn again, so she's opening back up to people (Alan's friends). Except for me, clearly. That's her choice and I respect her for it, if she wants me out of her life I'm not going to bother her. I was just very worried about her so I was happy to hear that she's talking to Clint again because I want her to have friends. When she deleted me from her facebook she also deleted almost all of her other friends too (Al's friends) but I'd like to think that she's going to be friends with them again and everything will be normal in her life again. I mean minus me. 

I want her to be content. We have so much history together I will always care about her and it scared the shit out of me when she deleted everyone. 

peace. 

My thoughts on pageants...

Payday is sweet.

Today is especially sweet because I don't have too much to spend money on except for some dorky kahki pants that I have to wear for the uniform change. Right now I've got approximately $1,700 in my bank account. My mom informed me yesterday that I need to be saving THOUSANDS by the time I leave and should get more hours, which I intend to do during the summer. Spring quarter has sort of been my vacation, I guess you could say. Not from CBC entirely, but I feel like only having one class at cbc is nothing to stress out over. I get my Japanese homework in, try my best to learn all the vocab... Yeah, my interest isn't there anymore but of course I'm still going to try my hardest.

I'm not the only one that's only taking one class this quarter.. then some others are still on the regular hard class load. I know that Andrew is taking another class, but he seems to skip it to hang out with us in the morning. Alex is only taking one cbc class I'm pretty sure but she's still in highschool so has that to deal with. Poor Hannah has FOUR classes. Taylor I'm not sure, he told me that he's planning on taking 21 credits this summer in order to graduate before transferring elsewhere but that sounds like Hell! Especially during the summer when time is limited.

I'm dying my hair right now. I accidentally went to bed really early last night but I'd already gotten my guitar playing in so it was okay. Jacob didn't give me TOO much new stuff to work on this week, aside from starting Under a Glass Moon. It's going to be quite a challenge but he told me we're going to "chunk through it." His favorite album is  Train of Thought, and I think he knows all the songs on that album along with a ton more but never really got into Images and Words. He's facinating.. I want to pick his brain for a lot of music.

STOP. I don't have a crush on him. Don't go there. I respect him and look up to how brilliantly he can play and I'm super stoked to be getting lessons from him (which is why I talk about this a lot). Well, that and it's taking up almost all of my time. But do not think I have any interest in him that way. Aside from that he has a girlfriend.

I ordered Guitar Pro 6 for $40. It's going to come in the mail. I'm going to abandon songsterr for the most part, though the idea of dealing with the guitarpro website and downloading tabs from there is going to be a huge pain in the ass. Guitar pro 6 is SOOO cool though, you can actually play along with the SOUND of the guitar instead of that dumb MIDI shit.

High Glitz pageant girl.

In my house we periodically watch Toddlers and Tiaras or that other pageant show with the annoying flamer as the host. I always thought my Mom and sister were just watching it to laugh at how ridiculous it is like I do but actually...

"National American Miss is an opportunity like no other. You’ll gain poise, self-confidence, and valuable communication skills. You’ll feel good about yourself and gain the competitive edge to succeed later in whatever field you may choose, from modeling to business. Check it out now!"(by the official website, http://www.namiss.com/)

My sister is planning on entering this pageant soon.

It's called National American Miss. She's wanted to do it for awhile, and I'm pretty sure the first round of auditions is happening here in the tri cities.

It's a pageant so they grade you on:

-How good you look.

-How good you look and how much poise you've got in Formal wear.

-How good you look and how much like a machine you can speak while you introduce yourself.

-How well you can answer some stupid questions.

-How much community involvement you have WHILE looking good.

Ha ha okay, maybe not so much on the last one.. but honestly, pageants are the most objectifying things I have ever seen. They're old fashioned and ridiculous in my opinion. At least this one doesn't appear to be high glitz, good God. The prizes are a not-so "all expenses paid" trip to Disney Land, some scholarships are available, cash, etc... Typical pageant prizes that are completely ridiculous because you spend a FORTUNE on the pageant itself so it's not like you're making any money when you earn $1,000 cash. In fact I've seen pageants where the dresses cost at least 5 grand.

BUT! I will be the first one to admit that I would fail miserably at a pageant, thus I have respect for my sister doing this and I will be entirely supportive of her decision. If she's happy and gets something out of it then great. If she wins and gets a huge amount of confidence and gets even more cocky than she already is then great. If she loses and gets knocked down a few pegs from her high horse ALSO great.

pageant photos have ALWAYS  creeped me out. This isn't the worst one that I've seen. I just hate how parents try to make their daughters look like something they're not with a bunch of makeup and other bullshit. To me, little girls should be outside playing in the dirt, playing dressup, being imaginative... being kids!

Nothing like sexualizing your kid with fake tans, hair extensions, revealing clothes and layers upon laters of makeup.





Because in my opinion, unless a young girl WANTS to do pageants and enjoys the primping, pageants the closest thing to rape. All the pain these girls go through to get their eyebrows plucked, their face skin burns from the makeup changes, the uncomfortable costumes, the bitter taste of the glue from their fake teeth.... All this work to be judged on whose kid is prettiest, it's sick and wrong! Makeup is so wrong on a little girl, so unnatural.

As for my sister's pageant, if adult women want to spend a fortune just to have four people that mean absolutely nothing tell them they're the best then be my guest. I actually look forward to watching this pageant, wherever it might be... It all sounds really scammy, like they make you pay a ton of money at each stage. Sort of like that "star search" deal that they had at the Red Lion every year where they "search" for models when really it's just a way to get people to pay a ton of money to get their kid's picture taken. Never trust talent agencies, modeling scouts, etc... especially if they make you pay money up front. Luckily, I was never very poised or had any interest in that sort of thing so I never had to go through that kind of disappointment.

On the bright side, my sister would be doing this with Katie so if it DOES turn out to be really scammy, my sister won't be alone when she dumps it. Katie is freaking beautiful but I worry about her. She's got a lot of the same orthorexic tendencies that I do-- obsessive working out, extreme caution to what she eats; I think she's actually worse than I am. Pageants like this where there's super skinny girls everywhere probably isn't going to help that situation...

Sarcastic smile, ahh! Here's what my new hair dye job looks like, I actually did most of it on my own. Lol notice how when I'm faking a smile it doesn't look good, thus I could not do pageants, hahaha.

It's 9:20 am. I'm in really no rush to get to school so I'm gonna play a half hour of guitar or so, take the laundry down and eat a little before I go. Gotta work til 10 tonight so I'm enjoying my time here.

peace.



Cleaning out my closet (or my mom's computer), my Japanophile phase pictures.

I feel so flattered today!

I posted a picture that I took in my room this morning because I figured I needed a new default, something a little less black and white to lighten things up. I posted the picture and it has like 18 likes on it. I don't really know why someone "liking" something should mean anything, but it does make me very complimented. Speaking of changes, I think I might change the background on this blog. It's all very clique and I like to change it up every so often. Not like anyone reads this thing anyway. Don't blame them, this is super boring. To be honest I prefer it this way.

Onto today's topic!



"Beauty and the Beast seemed like it all was really brown. The whole thing was just so brown and orange and yellow, like Burger King or something. I don't think I would have liked Beauty and the Beast at any age."
-Mike Judge(an awesome quote I heard earlier, completely unrelated, but the picture is.)

I absolutely cannot stand anything bento or "kawaii" related anymore. Because Kawaii itself is a breed of animation and products that can't be matched by anything in the West yet, I've just reached an absolute burnout. Seeing this picture above of a bento box makes me laugh at how much time and effort I put into those stupid little things! They provided barely any food and sometimes I would put items in there just for show because they looked good and knew damn well that later it wouldn't be very tasty. Ugh, I tried. Deleted on my mom's computer, thought I'd further immortalize it online. I'm trying to clear out some of the seas of images I've stored on this poor device. I'll just upload the ones that stand out.

When I was shopping for a cosplay dress, I saved this because I thought it was cute. That ridiculous thing. What the Hell was I thinking?

Yeah, no. Good ridance to that, forever.

Never uploaded because I hate this picture of me.

This is actually me this summer. Uhm, yeah, I think I'm going to start wearing at least some tinting lotion good lord, it was NOT nessasary to strive to be that pale in freaking July.

A sort of cute picture of me that I never uploaded and now I don't see why, it's a lot better than the picture that I did choose because God forbid you should actually see a little of my top lip. That's another thing, the top lip thing that I do in pictures is something I copied from none other than....

Fucking magibon!!! See a resemblance?

www.youtube.com/mririan

Yeah, wasn't too real about my personality there for awhile. I wanted so badly to be like Magibon, or Margaret Adams. Cute, shy, almost nervous... emulating a Japanese "kawaii" persona in a Western world. It inspired me to the point that I actually decided to LEARN Japanese, and it pushed me up until this point.

This point that I started playing guitar (this started around Christmas. Solid hour a day, THAT was the rule) and realized that music interested me a lot more than Japanese things. I wanted to learn all about it and experience it, as I'd always been envious of people that could shred on guitar. I decided that what the Hell, i'm going to actually put in the practice time to do this. This was a very good decision because it has helped my confidence significantly to develop a skill that nobody can take away from me. That, and coming closer to graduation and facing the REAL world.

I'm like, humiliated posting these you guys I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to say that Magibon didn't have a possitive influence. When I discovered her videos, I was in the stage where I was wearing.. well, GUYS shirts-- black band shirts that covered everything, it was basically like a niqab of my femininity. I felt like I had something to prove my Junior year or so, after going through the Hell of my sophomore year I just wanted people to know I didn't give a shit anymore about what they thought and I was done trying to do myself up for them.

So because of Magibon's influence, I started really getting into cutesy Japanese style, mannerisms, and developing a way to become a mystery to people. But that's not me. I'm not a mystery, I'm an open book. I love to talk, listen. Watch some of Magibon's videos, she doesn't do ANYTHING! She just sits there, stares at the camera, and says a few very basic things in Japanese. It's worked for her very well, she's become almost a figurehead in Japan, had her 15 minutes of fame I guess. But that's her. I'm me. Granted, there are some really cute Japanese clothes and such and I will continue to dress as I please, I do not intend on trying to be something I'm not. I'm happy with myself and feel I look the most beautiful in yoga pants or a black tank top and jeans.

Edit: August 25th. I am not an open book by any means any more, actually I am a mystery to most people I work with and go about day to day life with because I no longer share unnessasary information with people that really don't need to know. It took me awhile to learn how to control things that I said. Really only over the last year have I become less of a "negative nancy" or someone that just... says too much. I can't explain it. I'm happy Magibon helped me be quiet so I could step back and realize the way I was behaving. 

So thank you Magibon for getting me back into looking feminine. In my first encounters with Jack, I was in the band shirt phase but then over time when I was with him I actually WANTED to look good. So she came along right at the correct time I suppose and long after me and Jack stopped hanging out I started dressing a lot cuter. Now I'm sort of in limbo. I don't wear band shirts very often, I have a couple and occasionally I'll wear my old ones to work out or go running. I'm not too preppy or accessorized either.





I often find misc pictures from cosplay conventions that I saved for some use. Deleting these...

It goes without saying that I no longer want to cosplay. I am going to continue to comment people's photos, though. The only possibility that I might cosplay once more is if I go to RadCon again, because you sort of have open territory to dress however you want. As for anime conventions specifically, I'm done cosplaying. To be honest I can't even remember the last time I watched an entire episode of anime, aside from Sailor Moon at the beginning of the year. I watched like 12 episodes of it and I was DONE. But do I enjoy hearing about it from my friend Samantha? Yeah, it's a neat story and it's actually cool to hear about and I love the animation. But I just don't have the time to sit down and watch that stuff. I'm so preoccupied with everything else and like it that way.

I guess the best way to describe how I live now could be related to Confucius, a Chinese philosipher that teaches for people to strive to be the absolute best they can be and live their lives to their fullest potential. This is often why Chinese, Korean, Japanese and Thai people work as hard as they do. Unlike mainstream Confucianism followers, however, I'm not Asian, and I don't have parents that could potentially disown me if I don't do perfectly. I just work extremely hard and obsess on perfection, but it doesn't mean I have an OCD. I'm happy I recently discovered what Confucianism is because it made me feel less abnormal. Like, I'm abnormally hard on myself and I thought it was an OCD.

2012 has been such a good year so far.

I talked to my mom today about getting ahold of Western about my rooming situation. She said that they APPROVED my housing!! WOO! So we are AHEAD of the game, and because I already submitted which building I wanted months ago, I'm now good to go.

I decided not to use the MyRoomate system online because I want to keep my roomates a mystery. I sort of want to get paired with random people so I can get the experience sans the predictability of MyRoomate. It's probably a good idea though so I don't get a Kelsey. Or worse. I could get some morman that gets pissed off about my pot smoking. Which reminds me, I have no idea how I'm going to smoke up there. This might be silly because it's such a liberal school. I don't know, i'm crossing my fingers that I get a room with a window of some sort.

I am not applying to be on a quiet floor because I can work around loud noises. I have in my own house before and at school, it shouldn't be a problem. I'd much rather have the freedom to come and go as I please than not, because I'm not a sneaky person you guys.. 

I won't say that I'm not still fascinated with the anime subculture.

And I have met some really awesome people!

But I just don't feel like I relate to this anymore.

Being a guest at one of these cons was one thing but actually volunteering was an entirely different story. I really did not have a good time this year, it was a ton of work at the maid cafe and after it was over I felt a little silly/embarrised about having walked around serving a bunch of guys in costumes and closet lolitaphiles for hours on end. And I'd driven to Spokane to do this! Very interesting experience. It cracks me up that Guy Stevens was trying to get ahold of me when I was posting these pictures that are considered completely wacky by mainstream society, but when I look back on it now he wasn't any big deal at all and don't know why I was so enamoured.

In all of this let me say that I do not discredit anyone who chooses to be into Kawaii things, anime, etc. I don't feel like I am better than anyone for no longer liking it because everyone has the right to do what they want to do and shouldn't be harrassed for it if it's not hurting anyone.

I just felt like sharing that, I guess. Waiting for Avis to get home. I've still gotta do my hour of "Freeplay" on the guitar but I'm done after that for the night because I already got post of my picking exercises done in the morning. I don't know if I'm getting better or not, I'd hope so. I hope I'm also practicing enough for what Jacob said we're going to start on this upcoming Wednesday. I never really know what's good enough.

Got a 92 on a Japanese test because of all my craptastic particle usage. Damn, it's like, I know the vocabulary and the grammar to the point that I can confidently put things together, but when it comes down to the minor details and kanjis... errg! I can read kanjis fine, but they have to be in some sort of context or I'm screwed. Furigana is always nice too.

Alrighty well gtg, sister is here with groceries.

peace







Learning to say No.

Saying No seems to be a huge challenge for me.

Whether it's with making plans, buying stuff, telling people things-- it's just really hard for me to say "No" because I have this weird sense deep down that if I say "No" I'll somehow disappoint someone or miss out on something. I've been trying to work on this, and after some deep thought last night I've really come to the conclusion that saying no is going to play a huge role in learning to respect myself. Because I need to keep in consideration my health, my money, my success, my consequences; when making these decisions. Granted, there are always things that I will say no too, such as:
-Doing drugs. Actual drugs, mind you. And cigarettes. Ef both of those.

-Heavy drinking in places where I'm really uncomfortable or don't know anyone. Ef that, too. I want to be in control in those situations.

-Stupid free dental screenings at CBC. Yeah, like I want some rookie dental assistant poking around at my teeth and telling me about the many services I can get from other rookies with their mentors watching them. Nooo thank you.

-Really fatty food. If someone offers to give me the rest of their fries, I'll almost inevitably say no.

But yeah, other things... I'm not going to go too into specifics, I really need to learn to say no too. Like, say someone is asking me to hang out with them when I KNOW I have work the next morning and KNOW I have to get homework and studying done but don't want to disappoint that person and have them not like me anymore. What I want to know is, who the fuck cares? Anyone who actually cares about me will understand that I have work to get done. Life goes on. Because lately, I've been struggling in school because I've been pushing it aside to hang out with people instead of getting work done that I know needs to get done or I'm gonna be kicking myself and crying because I didn't do it earlier.

That and everybody seems to want me to buy shit from them. Idk if it's just because I have money all the time or what, but continually I'm getting people that want me to buy stuff. Like Leah recently, I can't seem to ever talk to her without her trying to sell me something.

Here's me at the halloween event, cute right? lol. The tail looks like a Wii remote.

Anyway, I talked to Leah for the first time in awhile and she commented on my collar, saying she could make me a real one. I'm like, "Ehh.. this isn't an everyday deal.." She then said, "Yeah I make them for costume and in the bedroom." I'm laugh, not really getting it at first. For some reason my first thought was as a decoration. Guess I'm not as perverted as I thought.

Once I got it I'm like "WOAH, noo I'm not really into that stuff." Honestly, I'm not though. She then continued to talk about all the stuff she's making, tra-la-la. But normally I'd be like, sure why the hell not, I'll buy something. I'm like this especially when friends are trying to sell me something. Granted, if Samantha had some art or something that she was selling, I'd buy it from her just because I know she doesn't have the ability to get a job right now (not having a car, etc..) but if someone is capible of getting a job, I see no reason why I should buy something from them unless I really want/need that thing.

So anyway....

Hung out with Ryan last night. This I think is the 6th time we'd seen eachother, and we sort of laid together upstairs talking about different things. I finally mentioned TWO white elephants in the room. The first was triggered by him talking about how he's going to be partying with all Troy, Jesse, Garrett, and Jack today. When he mentioned it I sort of groaned, and was like "Ughh don't bring him up." He told me that he didn't get why I hated him so much, so I finally told him what happened and why I'd prefer he didn't bring Jack up and not to bring ME up today, which I had a feeling wouldn't be mentioned anyway but I wanted to cover my bases just in case.

I also mentioned the second white elephant, the fact that I felt sort of strange about this whole thing. Like, the only way I can describe it is that when I'm with Ryan I feel like we're related. Which of course, we're not. At all. But I've known him for so long that it's strange that it would even relatively go in this direction, which he agreed with... Apparently he's been sort of feeling the same thing.

Okay so today, I'm going to say something possitive! Lately I've been noticing how pretty my skin actually is, which I guess before I never noticed because I had acne for so long. Like I feel like I can leave the house without that much makeup on. This morning, I was running late for work because I'd left my phone at Ryan's house and had to run over there with my hair soaked at 10:30 (had work at 11, unexpected shift that Dana gave me when Tracy was sick), and didn't think too much of it. That's another thing-- Ryan's now seen me in the following icky scenarios that I usually wouldn't be caught dead looking like:

1. With my hair all curly (my hair had been up in a bun that day. That was the night that he wanted to see me at 2 am. Actually, yeah the first time we ever hung out)

2. Looking like I've been on crank for three days (this was last night after my shift. I was freakin exausted and pasty from being sick)

3. Tilapia'd. Red eyed. This was when I was with Katelynn.

and lastly,

4. Literally out of the shower, wearing a rammstein shirt and knee length shorts, eye makeup under my eyes, wet hair.

Maybe, with that, I feel like I can trust him to an extent. The fact that he's STILL interested in me even after seeing me look like complete shit and I've completely acted like myself around him. That's another thing. I've put up no cherade (Charade? Cherad? I have no idea how to spell that. My mom says it a lot. Basically an "act.") around him and he seems to like hanging out with me for who I am. That alone, makes me trust him more than anyone I've been with this last year.

Work today sucked... I always feel like I'm making mistakes and that I'm going to get fired. Everything I do is always wrong. Always breaking some kind of rule. There's so many to remember. My dad showed up to buy some random junk and took me out to dinner around 7'. That was pretty awesome, there's this 3 Margaritas place over by where I work that has the quickest service ever, even if every time we've been there it's been swamped busy.

Well I'm gonna wrap this up. Right now I'm downloading the sims seasons via direct download, and it's taking ages. I'm gonna study.

yours,

Emily

School tomorrow. My summer is over already? D:

Wow, I guess you can say I had a pretty damn good summer.

Because it's over. My break where I do whatever I want is over tonight, and I'm slightly relieved. School is tomorrow and I am going to start summer quarter full force.

..Because it's serious business now. I GOT INTO CENTRAL. Yes, I got a message from them, and I was ACCEPTED without them even getting my transcripts. I mean, I doubt they did, considering I sent it to them only a few days before I got the message in the mail saying I got in. Regardless, I'm very happy. And the best part is, my mom is going to let me study abroad for my Japanese minor. I'm probably going to major in Public Relations (well, this is new) and everything is going as planned. It's so exciting.

But in order for this all to work I HAVE TO PASS MATH 95. There is no choice now, I have to do it. I know how Zhang teaches now, and I know that I can do this if I try my hardest. It's going to be a lot of work, and I need to prove to myself that I can do this. It's going to be hard, but I've got a LOT of time to study and put all the work I can into it.

I am going to periodically apply for jobs, like tomorrow I'm going to apply at Sally's, but I don't know if I'm going to get it or not. My hours available are pretty good, but I have never been in beauty school. But I DO know hair products, very well. It'd be a great place to work, I love retail, hair products and makeup. If I don't get it I am going to continue to apply to small retail stores and hopefully get one eventually. If not, more time to study.

I miss Guy a bit, I hope I see him soon. We still talk periodically via texts but stupid Cory's house has hardly any service so he'll get my txts like hours late, it's frustrating. Eh, I'm sure I'll see him this next week.


OH AND MY HAIR IS BEAUTIFULLY BROWN NOW! my mom did it, I love her.

yours,
Emily