Changes come, Keep your dignity

I like that my work schedule is laid out in a way that I have multiple days in a row that I'm off because it lets me coordinate my schedule easier. Of course most of what takes up my schedule is practicing guitar and any other responsibilities that I happen to have going on that day.

Anyway today's been good. Found my debit card (I had almost thrown it away. I put it in a bag from work and almost trashed the bag) and have had the house to myself for the most part. I played an hour of guitar while I watched this documentary about the author of Atlas Shrugged that basically talks about how government control in the United States is going to take over like it did in Russia and that eventually they will try to control our lives by continuing to create new regulations and rules to benefit the system. It's really hard to explain and I'm sure that makes no sense the way I just wrote it but it's a really interesting theory.

This was a documentary that my Mom told me to watch so when I saw it come up on Netflix I was like, I should really watch this, just to learn something this evening rather than watch King of the hill because I haven't had a stressful day and didn't need to pacify my mind. I'm happy I watched it. My sister is making an awesome dinner right now and I think I'm going to munch on nutella and pretzels later. Should be a good evening.

Today I met Alan and Katelynn at Leslie Groves park. I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier but Katelynn did cut off from that Devin guy that she was sort of digging for a little while. She was just over it quickly. She and Alan are still very cordial with eachother but it definitely no longer has an affectionate vibe. I don't know, maybe this is just a rough patch in their relationship and everything will be back to normalcy there.

I really liked laying out by the water today, it was nice. We went to Thai food afterward and I ended up accidentally ordering too much and getting a ton of leftovers. It's fine though, that'll be great for tomorrow. Emerald of Siam is delicious but MAN I spent the most on that meal then I have in awhile... lol watch out for appetizers.

Zach, Steven and Cheyanne are living downstairs from them now. I'm really interested in how that's been going. Zach and I haven't talked since the SOAD concert a couple years back and he took me off his friends list which is usually a pretty good indication that another person wants to stay strangers with you. I can respect that and understand because our lifestyles are different.

Well I'll talk to you guys later.

peace.

Here's a song I've really liked lately-- Momma Sed by Puscifer. It's got a really powerful message about not letting life circumstances cause you to lose your dignity. Society will have it's way on you, "Take it like a man." 

Nobody helps you. Changing your life is based on your own conscious decisions to make change. 

気を紛らします

I feel stupid. Fried. Kind of tired.. Even if last night I got a ton of sleep I feel like there's not much to look forward too. I'm not depressed, though. I've got a couple hours out of the way and it's 2:30 PM.

I ate some stirfry with chicken, teriyaki sauce, powdered ginger and crushed peanuts, all served on top of rice. Of course add a ton of rooster sauce to that too, mmm! Gives me heartburn though, unfortunately.

I still fear getting carpel tunnel from playing this much. Three hours a day is pretty strenuous, and I get stressed out that I'll potentially give myself medical problems on my hand and I'll have to stop playing for a month. For that reason, I've really been making an effort to loosen the tension of my left hand on the fret board. Maybe I'll get some tiger balm or something. I'd REALLY like a massage. . . well, not on my arms necessarily but just a massage in general would be fantastic. お金を持っていません。(D'oh!)

I really should write some Japanese today. Maybe on my ameblo or something. Or maybe just on here. Why the Hell not.

今、夏です。天気が暑くない。私は部屋の中です。ギーターを引きました。気を紛らします。私はその人と話すと落ち込むになる。


I still plan to practice Japanese from time to time if I can. It would be a waste to get this far and completely forget about it. Maybe I'll even go on livemocha today!

5:10 pm:

Good lord this has been a long day. I just got done working out, still got about an hour of playing left to do.. I got a bunch of school stuff taken care of too. Today's been a pretty productive day overall. I'm feeling content for the most part, everything is fine. Feeling a little bit lonely but that's to be expected. Coming to the end of 1 year 6 months, onto 7 months now! One year, seven month anniversary of being emotionally alone (it might even be more because I can't even really count Indy, he's such a creep). Seven months now of not giving a shit, but having to sort of deal with it anyway. 

I've been wondering a lot what's going to happen in the next couple months. I practically hated myself last summer; I mean between hanging out with Leah and her weird posse, dealing with Guy Stevens and literally puking my brains out, scaring the Hell out of my parents when they saw me hanging around that Tyler kid in some meth house... I have no idea what I was thinking. I so badly just seemed to want people to hang around with, regardless of my choices not always being the best. There really wasn't anybody last summer. 

This summer is much better already. I don't have anything sketchy happening because I've weeded through some of the people that I was spending time with to just people that I can trust and care about me. Katelynn,  Alan, Samantha, Shawn, the members of House... those are pretty much the only people I hang out with lately. I work on the weekends, that's more than I could say last summer when I had no job at all. I'm not taking any classes at CBC and don't have to run back and forth to Pasco every day. Yes, things've improved quite a bit. 

This summer is probably going to be a lot lonelier, though. There's no way I'm going to suddenly drop these standards that I've created for myself... but with Connor once again out the picture (he was the only one with one foot in that aspect of my life) I'm going to have to be extremely, extremely patient. 

peace.