Thursday, November 20, 2014

Creating moderation for *myself* for once...

Cutting back on something that you think keeps you happy (and motivated to do things) can be a difficult process; a process that I started yesterday in order to get a better handle on my life.

I feel like my weed consumption hit a plateau recently... I mean the combination of not working, feeling stressed about my accounting class, arguments with my family, etc.. sort of drove me to looking for ways to escape depression but I'm almost certain now it was making it worse. I felt like my thought clarity wasn't as good as it could be which gave me this insatiable feeling that I could be doing so much better and probably feel more successful if I'd just cut this crap out.

I did get in a big argument with my parents the other day that made me feel extremely sad and worthless-- feelings that I continually bring about myself, again probably subconsciously dealing with the fact that I'm addicted to something and feel unable to stop it regardless of consequences that could potentially ensue if I continued this road.

I've just gotten lazy... My car and room is almost always a mess because I'm so focused on trying to accomplish large projects that I will allow myself to spend hours and hours doing because it's comfortable. Sitting around playing guitar and doing art is what I do for fun. I smoke marijuana and it enhances my creativity and focus on my artwork and guitar playing-- to some extent.. The last year I'm sure it's actually zapped a lot of my inspiration to play in the first place because I've been doing it too much.

Back in 2012, I remember practicing guitar for 3 hours a day, still managed to get good grades and had a job at Rite Aid. I remember smoking maybe 4-5 bowls a day and it seemed to be the perfect equilibrium of using it to my advantage but still having the clarity to do well in school and at work.

That is the level of smoking that I'm at right now and plan to stay which is a huge improvement from where I was before. I tried essentially quit cold turkey yesterday (going from my regular smoking once about every hour regularly to only smoking twice in one day) and was a complete bitch to everyone and I was fucking miserable, not gonna lie.


When I was studying my accounting book yesterday I noticed a huge difference in clarity. Today I was able to finish my homework in three hours instead of the regular alllllll day ordeal. When I'm sober it's easier to remember basic mathematics formulas used in accounting...

This quarter is coming down to the wire. My final is around the 30th, there's only 3 more chapters in my book and I've still got time to really study and knip this shit in the butt and pull a solid B in that class. It's just a matter of doing the hard work and keeping in the right state of mind. And that goes for the rest of my time in college.

I mean I've only got two quarters left and I'm coming to serious crossroads and decisions in my life. Do I really want to remember my entire college experience at Central as being stoned? Because honestly I feel like the combination of stress/anxiety that came with my classes and having the freedom to do whatever I want allowed me to bury my head in the sand and let it become a more and more frequent habit where whatever I wanted to do in my mind it'd be better if I was stoned..... when ironically I'm sure it what was causing a lot of the anxiety and depression in the first place.

Yeah that's really all I've got to say. I know it might come to a surprise that I would talk so openly about this problem but what better time than when I'm no longer in denial of it and am willing to make the changes?


Monday, November 17, 2014

Hot saunas, booze and panties


It's 11:35 pm. I slept practically all day after not being able to sleep and getting up sick multiple times last night and I know if I don't get to bed again soon my sleeping schedule is going to be really messed up. I know my bad sleeping habits are normally caused by drinking. When Travis and I party together I can rarely get a decent night sleep so I don't think I slept much while I was over at Wildhorse those few nights. Still, what a great time that was.

I didn't take that many pictures while we were there. 

In my experience taking pictures in casinos is quite discouraged so I only snagged a few in the hotel. My packing for the trip was really crummy-- We stayed three nights and I only packed two pairs of underwear!!(not counting my bikini bottoms)...So I literally had to wash my panties in the sink and hotel soap and hung them to dry so I'd have something to wear each day. I also honestly didn't pack enough clothes-- one of the pairs of jeans I brought was too tight on my ass with all the squats I've been doing. That or I've gained weight. I think my body looks pretty good right now but I'm definitely more comfortable in a size 11 than 8. 

Wildhorse was SO fun! I didn't gamble at all but I brought stuff to keep me busy like my art supplies, DS, etc.. Travis spent a lot of time playing poker and won a lot more money than we came with, which was expected because he's a great player and tends to have a horseshoe lodged in his ass on most occasions. Unlike me. I seriously don't bother gambling because I Lose. Every. Time. 

Not even exaggerating. Whether it's scratcher cards, slots, pull-tabs, a drawing for prizes, whatever... I am the unluckiest person I know. That's why when I was there I spent all of my time on things I could control like selling my artwork and using the crap out of all of the hotel's awesome facilities. I used the gym room every time I was there which felt fabulous. I have missed the cwu gym from day 1 moving home. I also enjoyed the pool and tried to enjoy the sauna.

Saunas are f*cking scary!! 

I remember one night I was at the hot tub and it was starting to get a little crowded... five or six adults in a tub feels a little awkward. I decided then I'd cool off in the pool then try the sauna. I'd made the mistake of opening my big mouth and saying, "Can you watch my stuff while I go get a glass of water for the sauna?" 

By the time I got back half the people in the hot tub were now in the sauna using it at full blast heat of 190 degrees -- yeah Hell no I wanted to try it at like 160. So I hung around in the pool for like an hour. One couple that was in there left and right after a huge hairy man went in and sprawled out out on the seats. After waiting and waiting for him I said screw it and stepped in myself. He hadn't lowered the temperature but he looked so relaxed in there I figured it couldn't be that bad. 

OHH my God I was wrong, hot hot hot... Water from the pool immediately started dripping off of me and I felt like I was in a boiler room in a concentration camp. I held onto the wooden door tightly trying to figure out what was relaxing about this. The guy laying on the seat said "Hey if I'm botherin' ya I'll move" and I'm like "No, you're not bothering me at all..." Of course I LOOK clearly bothered, my legs are like shaking out of anxiety. "I just don't know how anyone can sit in here and not feel like they're dying...." And I left.

Travis and I had really good food and drinks at the Wildhorse and he paid for practically everything so I was floored by his generosity. Dating Travis has made it practically unnoticeable the past few weeks that I've been unemployed (being broke usually has a way of making me depressed on top of whatever else...) because treats me so awesome. 

We decided to "Facebook officiate" our relationship even if I've been calling him my boyfriend to people for the past two weeks now. I'm just going to try to make him happy all I can when we're together. Nobody knows what the future holds and being with someone always gives me this underlying fear of it abruptly ending in hurt and pain because that's how it's always been. Even with guys that I trusted like Joel who completely abandoned contact with me my last week in Ellensburg when I only wanted to see him and broke my heart. 

The thought of the transition back to Ellensburg is seriously bringing tears to my eyes because I feel like my life just pushes me with the current and the second I get comfortable something pulls me away and I dive into a sea of stress again. 

I don't know. This is not where I wanted this blog entry to go. I just need to be thankful for what I have today and not take any day for granted like I did today. I am so comfortable and happy with the way my life as is right now there's no reason that I should want to mood alter with alcohol because it just makes things worse. 


Monday, November 10, 2014

This is a blog entry I'm writing from Travis's computer. We're going to Pendleton until Thursday for an awesome poker tournament and it's going to be a really fun time. He laughed when I packed like four bags to ensure I had what I needed for the days ahead...

-Duffel bag full of makeup/hair products, blow drier, shampoo, etc...
-Suitcase FULL of clothes. 3 days is a long time.
-My guitar... tabs in my backpack ready to go.
-Backpack with accounting homework.
-Mom's laptop for DOING accounting homework tonight or tomorrow.

So yeah, more than ready to go. I'm in a pretty good mood and excited to get out of the tri cities for a little while. I'm gonna take a few pics while I'm there too.

The other day I went out to Megan's house for a slumber party.

It was exactly like this.

lmao eh not really, I'll tell you more about more about that night later though it was a good time. That's actually her on the right though I shit you not.


Monday, November 3, 2014

"michelle!! baby where are you??/" Here's a story worth telling.

The other night after babysitting my new friend Megan's son I went over to Travis's apartment complex to crash for the night. Travis lives in a small apartment complex with about 6 units and Travis lives on the bottom floor with his long time friend Vinnie that he works with at the casino and his girlfriend. Neither of his roommates were home the night that I showed up at 1:45 am (2:45 am if you include the hour from Fall back. It was weird, I felt like I lived 1 am twice that night.....) so I was sitting in my car waiting for Travis to arrive home from work.

Lmao, here's a goofier picture of us taken on Halloween.. 

When I was sitting there with my lights off trying to go unnoticed by anyone who might be around I was startled to hear two drunks yelling at eachother in the parking lot. Travis pulled in pretty shortly after and helped me load my junk back to his house. I spotted the people that had been yelling at eachother and overheard the swarthy looking man probably in his late 30's whining, "Your friends were talking so much shit about me!!" and this blonde woman like desperately pleading with him, "They would never do that, baby! Seriously!!" Sprinkle in lots of slurred 'shits' and f-bombs in there too.

Travis and I go back to his room and I'm super zonked so I just laid down and started telling him about babysitting this super adorable 2 year old that was also a total handful.. Mind you, it was definitely at least 2:20 am by then. Suddenly out of nowhere, we hear a man's voice at the top of his lungs:

"MICHELLE...?! Oh my God baby, NO!" Sound of running frantically, stomping feet and slamming doors... 

Silence. I hopped up and told Travis to turn off his fan and open a window.  Travis was of course like, "What the f&*^?" peeking through the blinds and said he thinks it was the drunk guy from earlier. Drunk or not, he seemed like there was something very wrong. 

Already I had begun hypothesizing what had happened and quite honestly the first thought was that someone walked in on their girl or daughter who had hung themselves and they were in shock/disbelief. A couple minutes of silence past. You could occasionally hear stomping around from upstairs. 

"Michelle?! Where are you baby?! MICHELLE!!.. MICHELLE...!!.." Yelling her name then proceeds a few more times (not sure what good that's doing at this point but hey?) before a calm sounding older guy walks out of his own apartment and says, "Everything alright..?" 

The drunk guy responds, "I'm like so sorry man, I'm just looking for my girl, she's short, blonde... She was just here earlier and she walked off. She like disappeared. Oh God, Oh God no!!! How could this happen?" 

So basically this dude's drunk, pissed off girlfriend left the apartment complex on foot at 2 in the morning (presumably to walk down the street to the mini-mart) and he was acting like it was his helpless daughter that ran away in the night and he was too drunk to go get her. I'm glad it was neither of my hypotheses about what was going on and it was just two drunk people....... one of which was being WAY over dramatic.

Ha ha hope you enjoyed my story, when something as weird as that happens I don't think most people know how to respond. I kept thinking the cops were going to show up but it would have obviously just made things worse for the two involved. There didn't seem to be any evidence of abuse happening, just loud idiots making a scene.