Nice Friday evening. And some of my stupid hangups.

I've been desperately searching around for... I guess more mainstream guitar tabs in standard tuning. So desperate that I actually downloaded some....

Even hearing the word Greenday makes me think of Katelynn's voice going "Blagghhh!" like.. 'so stupid!!' 

Saying that I'm learning something by Greenday would still be embarrassing for me to admit for some reason, I think it's because I liked them in middle school. I've also always felt hung up on learning Red Hot Chili peppers, Beatles and Foo fighters. Lol those are pretty much all of my Mom's favorite band's. I think it more has to do with the fact that these are some of the bands I remember Jack playing a lot.. which at this in my life I've grown up enough that it barely makes my stomach churn anymore. 

It's been a long time since I've mentioned him. I did see him briefly standing outside the library talking to someone (I was on my bike, I don't think he saw me or has seem me all year) so I know that he's still going to school there. I don't even know what the deal is, he's got to be close to graduating. I wish he would. I wish he would graduate and move far away so I don't have to see his face again. 

Lately I feel much more content, like I've fully gotten over most emotions that were once just hindering progress. Regardless of taking some hard courses this quarter I've yet to feel completely out of control or did worse than a C on any tests. That's something. Terry's so funny, he was all butthurt this morning because I didn't go to managerial today. 

He's like "You left me in that boring class alone!" 

Ha ha ha ha, I'm like "Payback's a bitch ain't it?" He skipped Money and Banking twice this week. Tuesday I sent him a text like "Go to class today, I really don't want to go...." When he didn't show up I sent him another text that said "FAG." 

Terry responded, "Sorry I had to eat." So when he sent me a text telling me to get my ass to Managerial yesterday I'm like "Sorry I had to play guitar."

To be honest I haven't gotten as much reading done as I should have the past few days. I've been reading bits and pieces but nothing in comparison to the days that I had my internet down. Facebook wastes a lot of time and I'm hoping to use my time wisely this weekend for some upcoming tests this next week. Sipic posted the test guide of everythinggg that's going to be on the exam that I have like an entire week to study, there's no reason I shouldn't nail this. The only reason I got a C on that last test is because I was lazy.

Alright I'm going to get some reading done. It's 7:30 on a Friday, it's likely that I'll get hit up to do something later tonight so I am going to squeeze in some work now.

peace. 

nailed a few plywood boards over a burnt bridge

Evening everyone.

Today I've felt really intense because I've had a lot on my mind. Jake could actually read this on me at my lesson today. There was a lot that I would have talked about with him that had happened yesterday if I could but it was completely irrelevant and he doesn't need to know about my personal life. I'll talk about what happened on here for those few odd souls that read this blog (which, as I've always said, I appreciate because I know I ramble and don't edit these blogs grammatically as well as I should).

But yeah, my lesson today I had practiced about an hour beforehand but didn't play as well as I felt I should have. This was frustrating. But I don't know if my bad playing was what made me so mad. I kept on saying "shit" throughout the lesson and felt just... idk, not centered. This week my goal is to work on counting out loud. Something I've kind of dreaded because it's hard to do while you play if you don't know all the notes perfectly. Invention's note combinations are frustrating but Jake is continuing to show me tricks on how to get it down.

I've been doing a lot of practicing without counting or even using a metronome of any sort so even if I've learned the notes it doesn't sound nearly like it should and that is very frustrating. This week I need to work on it with guitar pro as well as better learn the notes on the second page.

Here's another incredible song by Puscifer that I've been listening too. What I've always loved about Tool's lead singer Maynard James Keenan is that his voice is so comprehensible that you have no problem understanding what he's saying but the challenge is figuring out what any of it means. 

Ha ha, I was going to post a picture of Keenan and I went to google image search and started typing "John Maynard Kaynes"... lmfao. Anyway I plan on learning a lot of Tool music after the recital. There is a lot of good guitar that needs to be learned how to play there.... 

Yesterday Katelynn and I went to the Parkade and met up with some of Ashleigh's friends like I have the last few wednesdays. Katelynn and I sort of found ourselves isolated in our own conversations. We don't mean to do that but it happens. Before we got there I had already had a few drinks so I had a decent buzz and didn't have to spend much money which was nice.

Katelynn and I walked down to Jack Didleys. There I saw Jessica S., Sarah V. and Celeste P. Jessica had actually noticed me before I had time to think about the situation. She gave me a hug and was like "Omg Emily you look so good!!  I love your hair, where have you been I haven't seen you in forever..." like that sort of thing. I was really shocked. She's one of these people that is pretty nice to everyone regardless of circumstances because she's never really had a reason to be jealous or have hard feelings toward anyone because things seem to have come relatively easy for her in her life. 

She was totally friendly and sweet and gorgeous like she's always been. The main reason why I carried so much anger toward her is that she used to easily get things in highschool that I thought I wanted: "cheer leading" team spot-- which would have been a complete nightmare for me if I had made it, playing time on the basketball team when I humiliatingly got none that year, and of course you know she was really popular within my own class and I never had that, she got some scholarships I didn't.... these things piled up over the years and by my senior year I pretty opennly didn't like her. We had Jone's class together and she would give some (usually somewhat "conservative") input and I'd usually be the first one to raise my hand and shoot down what she was saying. She'd come into class late and I'd roll her eyes at her. Stuff like that. It was funny I think she's somehow gotten my yearbook to sign and she wrote "Well I don't think you ever liked me that much but I hope you have a good summer!" or something like that. So obviously she knew that I didn't like her. So I brought it up to her last night.

I told her pretty straight out that I didn't like her because she was with Jack, which doesn't really explain why I'd hated her in highschool because she didn't actually date him until afterward. That's the only relevant thing to this date anyway. I told her we had a long history together though things never worked out. She was like, "Well he lives up at Central why don't you guys see eachother?" sigh.... ha ha ha. I'm like "We don't because he never seems to want to see me. Really the only time we ever saw eachother was when I wanted to show him up on guitar and that was it." Like I described that originally when I started playing I thought guitar would be the thing that would finally make him think I'm good enough to be with him and when that didn't work I finally just said fuck it, there's nothing I can do. 

Jessica told me that she and Jack got along great and they broke up because she went to school. At some point I'm sure he got ahold of me both before and after Jessica and him were together but again we never really executed any kind of plans and this was very painful each time. Jack finds girls relatively easily and he probably associated me with emotional baggage because I had told him time and time again that I f*cking hated him and wanted him out of my life. It was just a very horrifying situation for me and so much of me will always hate Jack for it. But he's dead to me now, he doesn't matter and for that reason I no longer have bad feelings for Jessica. She really is a nice person that didn't ever intentionally do anything to make me hate her. 

Alrighty well I'm gonna get going. My hands are kind of hurting so I think I'm going to relax with some sims tonight instead of practicing more. 

peace.

king of the beards

LMFAO, yes! Well this completely made my day.

Went to the library and met the Central Beards club today. I actually think this was there first meeting, but just look at that awesome turnout!! Though I can't say I'll be joining but I still think this is an awesome form of self expression.

Because men take a lot of freakin' pride in their beards. Ha ha if any of you have seen the documentary Mansome you'd know the amount of time and proper care to grow one of these mammoth beards. They actually have worldwide beard competitions in Germany, too.

There's a new coffee place in Richland with a beard them too. I guess it's just big nowdays. So big there's a  large enough margin of people at Central to start a club (...But there's no guitar club..? ha ha ha)

You just never know what you're going to find around here. I just great how in college people can express themselves any way they want too in some respect. It really gives you a chance to reinvent yourself from what your environment growing up at home gave you.

Anyway, aside from beards...

Today's been pretty good, I got my powerpoint and outline done for tomorrow so that's not hanging over my head anymore. I still have the notecards to do but that didn't take long. I skipped economics today because I felt like sleeping in and went straight to stats. Terry skipped today. The material was really challenging in statistics today and this concept is hard as hell to wrap your head around.

I'm just going to continue to practice it each day and finish this quarter out strong. Usually it's about this point that has me so burnt out on school that I can barely focus anymore but the fact that I'm leaving soon has given me more inspiration. 

I'm starting to get a very positive outlook at my first year at Central overall, I've really learned a lot about myself here.I didn't do hardly any partying or anything outrageous but that's because I never felt much of a need too. I feel almost perfectly content with where things are going right now, and have accepted that I'm moving back this summer. 

One lose end is that Jack and I haven't talked in over a week so I finally sent him a text today like what is your deal, are you blowing me off again? Well I guess if I don't get a response there's my answer. I just don't f&^%ing get it with men. I mean clearly Jack has limited time but having zero communication for over a week just makes me think he's interested in some other girl. If that happens seriously you guys I've had it. I'm just so tired of wondering what his deal is with me and he's never given me a straight forward answer about this in my life.

I sent him a text confronting him about it, like dude just tell me straight up, are you blowing me off right now?  Ugh it's so fucking embarrising and frustrating to ask him this because he was the one that initially contacted me, AGAIN. Now I'M put in this awkward position of having to ask him. 

I swear I've lost all feeling toward people. Not to say I'm a sociopath by any means, I mean I'm extremely compassionate  but I mean like the feeling of having a "Crush" or hoping something comes from a situation with someone. I've just learned to accept that there's nothing I can do about any of it and just have to let God take care of it.

I just want respect. That's all I care about. If I'm respected I'm good, if you're not clear with me and act like you're just pulling my leg for your own ego trip then I want nothing to do with you.

peace.

Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

This weekend gave me a lot of time to think...

Morning.

I finally broke the question to Kristin about whether she's staying or going this summer. She's moving out on the 8th, which means I have less than a month to find a new roommate and a job. I plan to continue my search this week. I haven't gotten one call back yet which is discouraging but I'm going to keep trying. I really want to take that class this summer..

This week I also have to give that persuasive speech. I think I'll put together that presentation today, shouldn't take too long and putting it behind me now will save a lot of stress later. This weekend has been pretty boring but fine. My brain feels pretty rested for the upcoming week.

So today will be a good day if I do the following:

- Practice at least hour of guitar

- Read + Note take stats chapter 14 (think it's my third time going through this, apparently this is very important...)

- Read 1st half of Money and Banking chapter for econ...

- Create presentation on Meditation for Speech

And of course eat good food, try not to stress out, not spend all day scrolling through facebook, etc etc.. If I get started early I have plenty of time to get all this done.

Last night I was able to get into a really deep state of meditation to the point that my limbs felt completely gone, it was so cool. Meditation has allowed me to start sleeping on my back instead of my side which I have read is better for your skin.

Initially I was pretty stoked when Jack and I were spending time together again but not talking for an entire week has sort of killed it. Jack told me that he hates texting.. Okay, well, if you hate texting it would be nice if you would at least offer to grab coffee or something throughout the week if he was actually interested in me. It's like shit, don't do me any favors buddy.

Terry on the other hand has been texting me quite a bit since he asked for my number on Tuesday. He asked what I was doing this weekend on Friday and suggested we hang out which was different for him. He's usually not that forward in person. We texted each other on Friday but I think he's been out partying this weekend. I'm hoping we get a chance to study together either this evening or tomorrow. Or who knows, actually hang out...

We'll see.

peace.

Sunday again. As I always say to you all, today could make or break the rest of my week.

I'm kind of worried about my ability to focus these next few weeks. Clearly I have a lot on a my mind... which I'm trying to push aside as much as possible to make room for more IMPORTANT things... Like hanging onto my A's for dear life because my Statistics grade could easily slip into a B at this point when I got a LAME grade (11/15) on the homework...

I looked like a complete moron in front of Sipic the other day when I asked him for help in the lab when I didn't realize at the time that I was too behind to get caught up. Kevin P. came over and sooo kindly walked me through the Excel assignment. That day my mind was completely unable to focus because Terry had frustrated me and I honestly had no idea Jack and I were going to actually hang out again.

I hope that Terry and I can continue to be competitive.. I'm just crossing my fingers that he doesn't make things awkward between us this week and that we can continue to compare grades because it makes me so pumped to work hard. If he stops doing this now it's going to be harder for me to get A's the rest of this quarter. I know it sounds crazy to a lot of people but this is really how my mind works.


I feel like I'm over Terry completely. He just doesn't want to study with me anymore which makes me sad and irritated. I wish we had never had any flirtatiousness toward eachother in the first place at this point just so that we can use eachother academically lol

 It just feels pretty nice to spend time with Jack again but I really just want to give him as much space as possible.

I got a good night sleep last night, didn't do anything aside from sit around practicing really. Allie said she was going to this game night thing so I thought maybe I'd be going to that with her (even if I hoped to God they weren't talking about board games... Have I ever told you guys that I hate board games? It doesn't matter in this case though, I just wanted to get out of my apartment, you know how it is.) but then she told me she was tired after getting home from watching Iron Man 3.

I don't care about seeing movies what so ever.
I don't care about watching TV series what so ever....

I have no doubt that King of Thrones is a good show. I'm sure if I sat down and watched it I would like it. But it's the step of actually figuring out what time the show is at and finding the time to watch it would be the problem.

Like I'm always hearing about King of Thrones and all these other series and I'm like... yeah I don't have time to sit down and get into a series like that. I think that's the reason that I've always liked cartoons is because it's only a half an hour and you don't have to really dedicate yourself to a plot. I've just never been into series shows... or books. I can't think of one entire series that I've read in my life.

I wonder if my patience will someday change in this respect.


Okay it's getting later, I need to think about what I'm going to do today. Here's a checklist:
-Hour of statistics practice questions online
Then guitar/reward...
-Hour of economics (2 chapters) online
Guitar again probably...
-Read speech assignment packet to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing on this upcoming outside speech project.
-Hour of statistics reading...
-Hour of looking at Econ handouts

That's four hours of studying total. Yesterday I did 2 and a half so that was pretty good for a saturday. Guitar practice time is going okay but I'm getting a lot of progress now that I've started working with Guitar Pro 6 again

peace.

Let's reminisce. And some job updates.

Hello.

So I just got done with one of my main chores this weekend which was to deliver my resume/job application to the liquor store, as well as the Roadhouse, and then I also picked up a couple applications to deliver to WingCentral. It sucks not having a printer, I had to give the Liquor store people a copy of my resume that had another business's name scratched out.

I was hoping to see the manager today but I did talk to the man I'd talked to yesterday again. He said that they are planning on hiring a part time employee for the summer and I could potentially get more hours. Good, that's what I want. The more hours I can get this summer the more money I can make. There's a lot more earning potential for me here in Ellensburg then back in the tri cities because I don't have to drive nearly as much. That AND I'll be able to keep my place here...

Of course because I'm going to be working so much and still playing guitar I'm probably going to be a lot more busy and tired than I am right now with school. My schedule right now is actually pretty easy in comparison to the "real world." I only go to class 3 hours a day and then the rest is spent studying, playing guitar or messing around online.

Class registration for summer is tomorrow. Again I've decided not to take classes. I'm not in any race to graduate and have some investment planning job somewhere, I'm not ready for that right now because I need a better understanding of how businesses actually run in society.

So I'm really just crossing my fingers. If I can get this job part time as well as a hostess job I'll be set for this summer.

Last night me and Jack hung out. I'd gotten ready to go to a party with Allie at around 9' but ended up accidentally falling asleep... I guess I felt like meditating for a little while and... oops. Anyway I got a call from Jack at 1 in the morning, and he was walking around somewhere outside. He asked if I wanted to hang out, I said yes and unable comprehend directions of where he wanted to meet exactly he just ended up showing up here.

It's really too early to say what's going on in Jack's head at this point because I'm so shocked that we've hung out twice to be honest with you guys. It's just totally weird that we're suddenly hanging out and everything's cool after all this craziness. We had some really good talks yesterday about things, like about why things kept happening the way that he did..


I guess it just comes down to the fact that his friends back in Benton city always acted weird around me which is why we didn't really work out back then. He said this last night and I agree, they always did-- it's because I was never nice to them as kids. Like Jesse and Ryan... I was always kind of a snit because I was shy and they were always kind of mean to me when we were little. So as we got older things just continued to be that awkward between us, which is why I never came anywhere near his friends in highschool and when we hung out back then it was always really hush-hush which was really annoying to me.


The truth is however is I understand why he didn't want to bring me around people... I was kind of weird... and really negative. And a lot of that just comes from feeling insecure which a lot of people can read, and sophomore year when I met Jack was an especially bad year for me in general. I was dealing with..
 the fallout of the Chino relationship ending, 
...his psycho sister making those flyers about me, 
...Kandyce's friends gunning for me, 
...I took WELDING with Jessica S. and didn't have a partner in weight training that year
....Katharine and I weren't on good terms 
..so I was hanging out with Tony's GIRLFRIEND at lunch... (awkward)
...And the hot new foriegn girl in school that Jack wanted to get with and would ask me advice on how to get her.

2008 was a complete bitch, yet at the same time I remember dealing with it pretty well considering what was going on. Lol video games got me through that time pretty well...

This is the game I used to play continually that year and I guess it numbed my mind. 

peace.

Doing things slowly at home

Here's a picture of me from the recital last night.

You try making a cute face when you're focusing that hard, I look a little disgusted, ha ha. Oh well. For a first recital that was fantastic, I barely made any mistakes... The embarrassment I felt from showing up late and falling over the chairs and pissing off the usher for going and getting my guitar too early has passed. Damn so many mistakes I made last night, ha ha. But at least the playing was good!! That's what counts.

I'm getting a big bruise on my wrist....

Katharine's Dad came over and brought his 1985 Rolls Royce.

It looks like the picture above.

Really beautiful, classy car. The interior is genuine black leather with wool floors. He re-did some of the interior wood paneling on the back doors but it looks very near the original wood. He also replaced the speaker system. 

It only has 66,000 miles.

  

Later: 12:12 pm:

Yeah I really haven't done anything today. I've sat around the house watching TV, and I've  got an exam to study for economics tonight. When I get done writing this I am going to start loading up my things, get all packed up then probably put on a drug documentary and begin packing my things.

I mean aside from having to driven a lot the past few days I feel like my batteries have been recharged. It's been kind of nice in some ways to get away from my apartment. I was telling my Mom about the last time me and Kristin had talked (regarding the dishes) and she told me that was over a month ago. 

So yeah, I'll just be kicking it here for awhile, try to get some good study hours in as well as sort of slowly pack up my things in the car. That's how I like to spend my sundays for the most part...

I talked to Jack super briefly last night, like he was out at the bars with "the guys." I'm assuming people he played lacrosse with. Fun fun... I wasn't doing anything particularly interesting and he told me I should go to a bar. I'm like err.... yeah no. Where, the palm? Eeeeww I would never ever step foot into that place. And I definitely didn't feel like driving. . . 

And I don't have any friends in the tri cities that are over 21 really now that Katelynn is gone.Friends that I would want to drink with anyway. You'd be surprised how many of my musician buddies are completely straight edge.

Going to bars is so expensive, and I'm not a huge fan of drinking, so there you go-- I've honestly gone TWICE since I turned 21. 

I haven't talked to Terry all weekend. I'm guessing tomorrow he's going to be kind of a dick to me because that's always how he acts on mondays, then he'll be really friendly for a couple days then act like I don't exist again on Friday. Lol he works in a pattern when it comes to when he flirts with me and it's so predictable it's funny. Basically I think the next time we'll hang out is when we register for classes together. We want to be in the same classes so that we can study together. Period. I really don't think there's anything more than that in our "relationship." It's just a friendship and we're quite competitive and so is he...

In order to keep up with Terry I have to study twice as hard as what I used too, however, which is why I'm going to make sure to get some studying done today at home. The weather is beautiful maybe I will also meditate outside.

peace. 

Lol if college was a pokemon game Terry would be my Rival. 

Wow I have officially compared him to two cartoon characters... Well again thank God he has no real interest in my life and doesn't read my blogs, otherwise that'd be slightly awkward. 

Next hottest truck stop waitress?

Today's been pretty unproductive for the most part. I woke up pretty exhausted because I was up until 3 in the morning last night.. you guys will never guess where I was.

One highlight I want to make sure to mention today is that I finally had the stamina to start calling around online to find a restaurant that was hiring waitresses or hostesses. I found out that Perkins is hiring so I quickly filled out an application on publisher, printed it up at the library and drove over there around 8:30. Perkins is a place that a lot of elderly people and truckers eat at. I'm really used to working with old people from Rite aid so I think I'll do just fine.


So last night Jack and I hung out. Crazy, right? I'd texted him around midnight and he suddenly asked if I wanted to hang out right then. Pretty stoked but looking like absolute crap I told him to give me 20 minutes. I got ready pretty quickly, smoked a little to take the edge off, and headed off towards Chestnut. Jack is such a turd, he told me to go there but he really meant he wanted to meet me at 18th which is in the opposite direction.

He ended up walking all the way to the sidewalk outside my apartment. He hid behind a tree until I met up with him, and he was kind of buzzed and really freezing. I was surprised, he basically was immediately clinging onto me until we walked to his house where his roommate had passed out drunk in the bathroom. I set my stuff in Jack's room and sat there for awhile looking around.

He just finished lacrosse yesterday. Jack always has to be up to something so it's clear that he's taken some sort of interest in me again-- which should always be taken with a grain of salt because I've been down this road many, many, many times. It's crazy that we actually hung out yesterday-- even he said it, we've always never been able to for one reason or another. He was surprisingly open and comfortable with me though so I was pretty happy that there's no like awkwardness between us. We had a lot of fun reminiscing.

So yeah that's what's new with me. I've got some studying to do tonight. It's 9:30 but I just had some coffee at Perkins so I'll be able to stay up for a little while. Figure if I hope back and forth between guitar and homework until midnight I should be peachy.

peace 

I'm tired of waiting for Kevin Swanson to give a shit hahaha

Hola.

Alright today is Sunday and I've been home practically all weekend. I mean yesterday I must have gone out to go to Fred Meyer for like... I don't know, an hour and then I went to Bradley's house for 20 minutes. Today I spent practically all day studying and practicing my guitar. I got up early enough that I got my playing done by around 2', I think I played approximately 65 minutes.

I started studying pretty early-- like I did my first 20 minute chunk of economics at 10:30 which sort of revved up my brain for the rest of the day. I'm pretty sure I did about 3 solid hours of studying which is all around impressive.

At around 4' I started looking through my phone and noticed the text I'd gotten the other night from an unknown number. I started investigating when I got on facebook and I realized it was Jack. I realize that I had yet again asked him "Who's this?" when he texted me. I always, always delete Jack's number after I get frustrated with him because of the emotional ups and downs with him. He has this tendency to text me out of the blue after not talking for months and act like we're going to spend time together and then... well, not. Or like this last time where he came over and we played guitar together-- sort of, I couldn't improvise what so ever back then but I was really happy to be able to play in front of him.

But yeah when we hung out there was no flirtatiousness between us. This was back in like October. Then around January he started texting me saying we should hang out when I was dating Brendan and at this point I was so fed up with him that I said no. I just felt like he was just going to blow me off again and because I was already dealing with major anxiety and depression that quarter I didn't want to lose this sense of having someone to lean on with Brendan.

The relationship with Brendan of course only lasted what... a week after I returned from winter break? Not long. I'd tried getting ahold of Jack again but by then he had found a different girl that he was interested in. And then Abe started talking to me and I sort of started hanging out with him for awhile.

I don't know, finding someone that fits right with your personality is a huge challenge in life. Jack is someone that has come in and out of my life at random times for six years now (literally, since I was a sophomore in highschool).. and whenever he gets ahold of me now I can't help but just wonder, okay what is your deal now? lol. He apparently finished his last season of lacrosse recently. I'm wondering if he's graduating after this Spring or what. Anyway, we'll see if I get the chance to catch up with him or not, guess it doesn't really matter either way he'll text again in 3 or 4 months guaranteed lmfao

I'm still not even friends with Terry on facebook even if I notice he's on there before class all the time.  He's so wrapped up in what his friends and teammates are doing, drinking, etc.. to seem to want to give any attention to getting to know me at all and it's wearing thin quickly. The only times he seems to get excited about talking to me is when we're talking about his life or I'm helping him get something for economics.

LOL!! I figured it out, Terry's personality is just like Kevin Swanson! He's just too attractive and talented.... completely confident, stubborn as Hell about the validity of his opinions, and seems to be entirely non-conflicted about where he's going in life. Why wouldn't I be attracted to that.

But yeah no word from him all day-- I texted him a couple times throughout the weekend but he barely responded. Terry and I could be done hanging out for awhile. It doesn't matter, we're going to have so many classes together here in the next year I just want to be friends with him and have him respect me. I think I've done a very laid back job attempting to get to know him but if he's not down to actually put in any effort to get to know me why would I bother...?


Alright well it's bed time, this weekend's been slow but I feel recharged for tomorrow.

peace.

So close no matter how far....

Hello, damn it's quiet here.. I'm going to make sure to get out and do something this weekend.

Tonight I really should have gotten more studying done. I feel pretty confident in my economics because I've been really studying that a lot over the last week. Finite I'm feeling "meh," because it's only 7:30 and I've been dicking around on facebook and sleeping for a good portion of the day I feel I should get about 45 minutes of each subject in before bed.

I just hate studying sometimes because my room is really quiet. Maybe I'll put on some classical music or something just to break up the silence. I thought maybe I'd have lunch with Allie today and she said she'd text me but I haven't heard from her all day. I've been back since 11', and slept from around 1-3 after I made myself lunch. It's not a good idea to take a nap right after lunch, that's how you gain weight... but lately my body just wants me to sleep after classes. It could be partially because of the Prozac and also because it's winter and it's freaking freezing out.

Ha ha I found this recently and I'm probably gonna post it on facebook one of these days. This has to be a Canadian magazine or something. I miss my baby back home so much right now. I know she misses me too. I wish I could move into an apartment next year just to have her here with me... Oh well, I'll have her all summer. 

I had a good lesson with Jacob tonight. He approved my choice on Nothing Else Matters for the recital but he said "it's a hard song." which makes me a little concerned but I've got two months and I'm going to work on it every day. I think it's an absolutely beautiful piece and it will be very rewarding to learn and perform with all my hard work in fingerpicking over the past couple weeks. I'm happy I made this step to try fingerpicking, now that I've gotten the hang of it. 

It's a weird feeling to have not really talked to anyone since 11:00 this morning. I think I'll call my mom before I start studying. I tried calling her last night but she was going to Olive Garden with Avery and Jim for her birthday. I can't believe Avery's 18 now. 

Prozac has been giving me extremely vivid dreams; what's even weirder is that they make sense, they feel so realistic. I had a dream about Jack last night. 

I remember being in a huge Sanrio store, looking in the mirror and he walked in and I stormed out. He followed me outside (somehow we were at the Uptown) and told me he was "sorry." I was like, "What is this?! Answer me!" and he's like, "Nothing just kiss me." Then we kissed, it was all so vivid and I remember thinking "Wow I feel so stupid, what if people see how easily I forgive him.." I then remember my Mom pulling up in front to pick me up. Zoe was sitting in the front seat of the van but she looked a lot younger and Traci's son Wyatt was in the backseat, except he was talking and toddler age. I think this is somehow reflective of how long my feelings for him have lasted over the years. 

I've barely even thought about Jack since he told me he's seeing someone, but apparently he's still buried in my subconscious somewhere. 

peace. 

This is karma. It is not my turn.

I'm having a difficult night.

I guess you could say I felt lonely all day. I got done with two tests, both of which I'm sure I aced and was feeling pretty excited about that but I wasn't really thrilled about having the rest of the day with no plans of doing anything. I felt a sort of sad sense of longing. I hate that feeling.

I talked on the phone with Katelynn for two hours. She's having kind of a rough patch right now because she has not been able to find a job, doesn't have internet access, and is feeling like she needs to get out. I know the feeling. I feel like I need to get out more too, but usually I'm too tired from all the study I do.. that and I don't know where to go or who to go with half the time. I just sort of go where I feel there's a purpose to be accomplished... I go out when I need something.

Tonight I felt like I needed something that I can't have.

I texted Jack, who had texted me around the 1st saying he wanted to start spending time together. Having been with Brendan at the time I said no, but after that didn't work out... yeah. I had tried texting him the other day and his responses were extremely slow. Figured I'd try one more time today, I just said "Hey, what's up?" and he didn't reply. Two hours later, I'm like, okay, seriously what the Hell, you initiated my attention a little over a week ago, now you're blowing me off. He tells me he's now seeing someone else.

This is karma. Right here. This is fate. Right now I am feeling loneliness and pain. Perhaps I caused Brendan the same feelings when I broke things off to deal with my feelings for Jack and now this.

God is fair. Everything happens for a reason. Me and Jack aren't meant to be together, but for some reason my feelings for him have withstood for years, and years.. because I've yet to find anyone that I'm more attracted too. And it doesn't help that every few months he texts me out of the blue like we're going to start spending time together and it goes nowhere. Or this happens, he finds another girl he's interested in directly after talking to me. This has been going on for years. I'm so tired of it, it hasn't been my choice to feel this way but it's something I've had to deal with because of it.

The fact that he's with someone else will make it a lot easier to put thoughts of him away for good, now. I hope he's happy. Really, I've just got to move on. It's just hard. Yang Haiying said in one of my favorite videos about love and confidence that if it doesn't work out to move on, because that is karma, and to accept it.

For this reason I've accepted everything that's happened to this point in my life as being perfect in getting me where I am today. God has someone wonderful in store for me, I just have to accept that it is not my turn. Maybe I have more work to do to deserve that person. Jack is not that person. I cannot change how he feels. There is nothing I can do but pray for peace in my life, do the best I can to be a good person, and feel content with each day as it is.

peace.

Finally saying No.. after four years of this nonsense.

Fillip S. posted this earlier. Sometimes I wonder if what this says is true. People that have faith seem to be a lot more calm about their life, including Brendan who has witnessed a number of my panic attacks. He tells me to pray and meditate and it helps, but meditation often seems unappealing when getting into my own thoughts is often what leads me to feeling the panic. 

Any time I think about religion I start to cry because I'm scared of it. That's why I get so nervous to talk about anyone about it because I'm embarrassed. Being in churches tends to make me feel like I'm going to cry, too. I remember walking around the catholic church with my great Grandma and saw some of the alters and cried.. Going to a place to study what happens in the unknown scares the Hell out of me. But maybe it could help me improve my life and help my anxiety.

I haven't taken Brokaid in a few days which I'm pretty sure is why I've felt an increased amount of panic. Today hasn't been particularly bad, but it has worsened as the evening has progressed. I think I was nervous about the party that I thought I was going to with Josie because it snowed today and the roads are probably bad. I don't like driving on icey roads, especially not at night.

Josie was actually the first one to text me about it. She's at work and said she might not feel like going because of the weather. I told her I totally understood. 

I feel as though I might be getting sick, anyway. I have a runny nose and my throat is a little sore but not too bad. Probably would be better for me to get a good night sleep if this is the case. I'll be really happy to see Brendan again on the 31st.

That's Brendan on the left. : )

I can honestly call him my boyfriend now, even if we're not "facebook official" and probably won't be for a few weeks. The reason I can say this without a doubt is because yesterday I made one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time because of my feelings for Brendan. 

Jack is the first person I've ever had very strong feelings for. They started out when I was about a sophomore in highschool and over the past few years he's kept these feelings alive by texting me off and on, acting like he's going to make plans and then never following through with them. Everything is 100% on Jack's time, he texts me when he's alone-- which is incredibly rare because he's always around bros. He also texts me when he's drunk. It's like, that's the only time he allows himself to actually think of me and that alone is an insult that I've grown to realize about him.

He always texts me out of the blue around the holidays, or when we've got some break from school. I always delete his contact from my phone because what will happen is we'll talk a little bit, then he'll abruptly stop talking and my feelings get hurt and I delete the contact again. It's been something I've been dealing with for years. On numerous occasions I told him to just stop doing this, told him I couldn't stand him anymore, the whole bit... But it's almost like he knew that no matter what I said it didn't make a difference because I'd forgave him in the past.

Jack texted me shortly before school ended asking when I was going home. I told him and he responded that he wasn't coming back to the tri cities for a couple weeks. This was shortly after (before I met Brendan) I'd out of the blue invited Jack to come over one evening when I was stoned, lonely, and didn't even care anymore about my dignity in the situation. Not anymore.

Jack texted me yesterday morning that he wanted to start spending time together again. It all just sounded like bait, he's done this crap before. He's been in the tri cities hanging out with his bros all week, I'm sure... Even when I was living in Ellensburg he never made any effort to talk to or visit with me, and we live a f*cking block from eachother! I would never be a priority to him, I would always be something of convenience... 

So of course I know I had to tell him no, I can't. I'm seeing someone. Period. Brendan makes me a priority in his life, he and I get along so well and he doesn't cause me any stress. In fact he helps my anxiety because he's a very spiritual, intellectual person that has the patience to actually listen to me. I would not want to give up what I have with Brendan to put myself in the almost inevitable disappointment with dealing with Jack again. 

I feel weight lifted from my shoulders having been able to finally tell Jack "No" but it's one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in this respect. Not because I don't have feelings for Brendan, but because of the feelings I once had for Jack and somehow over the years my mind built him up to be something so great... So that's been stressful but talking about it here makes me feel a lot better. 

My family's all hanging out in the living room. I should really make some tea and join them for a bit. Josie might be coming over later this evening. Originally we were planning on going to a party that her coworkers are holding but the snow on the roads and potential for worse weather later tonight deterred both of us from wanting to go. 

peace. 

Second time partying here, God ANOTHER J name, really?

I had quite an interesting night. I guess you could say it was my second time partying since I've arrived here. That's okay, I deserved it after the long week I had.

Yeah, after everyone had had about 4-5 beers (not me, I think I only drank one... I "babysat" my beer as they kept telling me again and again) Bradley took his clothes off. I have to make quick snapshots of my memories here. Bradley's like, "Don't post that on facebook!" But from what I've learned about him so far he probably wouldn't care either way. He'd texted me last night when I was studying accounting I believe around 3 or 4. I ended up not coming over until about 7:30 after I had dinner. 

I can't remember names very well. They two girls on the right and left were pretty nice. The guy in the middle is Jared, who's obviously cute, haha I'm not going to lie and say I don't find him really attractive. He's like 6'2, really nice bone structure too. Skyler came over and before this picture was taken we'd all been smoking hookah outside.

It was noticeably cold last night.. Like I'd say around 30 degrees, if not colder. Jared was wearing this thin ass windbreaker jacket with a thin t-shirt and he was really reluctant to ask Bradley for a jacket. Bradley of course has like 20 jackets or something. 

Anyway, we all smoked, drank some, hung out, etc etc... Jared was pretty obviously attracted to me so we ended up hitting it off. He's a pretty sweet guy, I'm sure I'm going to see more of him around. I don't know how much he'd been drinking when I'd shown up so our conversations last night were a little slow. I'd like to spend more time with him sober to get a chance to better understand him. 

I didn't tell him much about myself aside from the guitar thing. I rarely talk about my home life with people, like it seems really irrelevant now. I like that, it should be. 

I don't know what to say about Jared right now, he's very laid back. He reminds me a little of Josh F. in some ways.. He always seemed extremely interested in what I was saying. When we sat at the hookah table outside a bald guy walked toward our table and sat down. He was really wasted and had an obnoxious voice but hey, whatever. The more the merrier. Jared has a twin brother and a couple of his girl friends came with. One of the girls reminded me a lot of Lindy, really shy and playing with her hair a lot. 

Jared seemed kind of interested in her too while she was around, which gave me the impression that he was probably single. I don't usually ask people that straight out. That girl ended up leaving.

You know what cracks me up? This guy's name is Jared. ANOTHER J name. Come to think of it, all of the guys that I've liked have had J names except Connor and Chad. Guys that I've liked with "J" Names: Jed C., Jay W., Jason T., Jack O., Jared J., Josh F., James R... in no particular order. I was never actually in a relationship with any of them except for James R. which was short lived until Jack cut in. Those are pretty much all of the guys I've liked in the last two or three years, all of which liked me back at one point or another. 

..which is sort of a confidence boost that I haven't actually been rejected. Granted things just don't work out for one reason or another but whatever, I'm not worried about it anymore. 

So today I pretty much just played guitar all day and nothing else. My brain has felt fried and tired from last night so I haven't been able to push myself to study anything. I feel a little guilty about that because I really should have gotten something done today. Tomorrow I will FOR. SURE. Seriously. I have to start studying that stupid Chapter 12 again... Avoidable costs are so confusing, I need to at least try to redo the homework tomorrow and get started on the new homework for next Wednesday. We were supposedly going to get these new textbooks but what the Hell is the point at the last two weeks of the quarter? 

Alrighty I gotta get going, expecting a call from my mom this evening so that'll be nice.

peace.

....wow.

All these pictures turned out horrible. 

So I'll only put them up on the blog. That and I don't know if Jack would necessarily want me advertising that we spent time together. 

But yeah, Jack and I hung out. First time in what, like two years? We caught up. Woo. I invited him over to "jam" but I really just wanted to be able to show him what I could do since the last time we'd hung out. I don't know, I can't really improvise with anyone. 

I don't even know what to say right now. I'm surprised as f*ck that we actually did.... Maybe I'll have more to say about this tomorrow. I'm going to study for my legal class tonight... Tomorrow I've got my first accounting test at 10:00 AM so I should probably get more prepared for that tonight. 

peace. 

What the Hell are the chances of that.

Today's been a good day.

I got up this morning knowing I had to get my books so I rushed over to the bookstore after getting ready. I dealt with a complete lameass at the checkstand that I felt like I had to walk through the transaction.  I just wanted to buy my accounting book and my business law book, and then go to the second line that had a huge lineup to do the rental on the math one. It ended up being a big holdup so I decided just to use the credit line to buy the books. Right now the money that overdrew my account today is now going onto the credit line that my Dad will pay off later.

They were around $350. Expensive, so I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it. I'm going to wait for that transaction to process for the next 10 hours or so before I put the money from my savings into my checking. I'm now at $1400. That means moving here in total cost me about $200, between the things that I've needed to buy and the groceries, etc etc... That's so creep, imagine how much it would cost up in Bellingham, atrociously expensive! I'm so happy to be here.

I woke up Jason after I bought my books. He partied last night and texted me drunk asking me to come this morning. Though I knew he'd forget, I showed up anyway. Last night while Jason was out with his friends I decided to go to Shavonne's house and visit/have dinner. Russell printed me out a map that proved to be very handy all day... especially when I was trying to find Jason's building. 

Jason and I were originally going to go rock climbing together and I was pretty stoked to go but I still had my biggest task of the day in the back of my mind. I had to go out and find these bulletin boards to I guess officially "open" my business. I really hope I'm able to fill up my 9 spots relatively quickly. I'll schedule a couple more (assuming some are going to drop) and go out and pull the signs. Next time I lose some students, I'll repeat the process so that I maintain a controlled number. I'm hoping I get a different mix of ages and music styles.

peace. 

OH!!!! Now that I'm back from working out I remember the weirdest thing that happened to me today! I saw Jack, hahaha. It was so funny, Jason and I were walking back to my place when a... lacrosse, I don't know, lacrosse or cricket-- ball rolled out in front of me. I just happen to feel like being polite and picked it up and tossed it back to the person that flicked it into the street.

There's Jack, standing in the courtyard of the math building. He's like, "Oh hey Emily!" I couldn't believe it. I acted very friendly toward him. He told me he was going to his lacrosse match soon. I told him good luck. I told Jason, "First love." even if yesterday I'd told him I never had been. I guess love is truly what makes a person crazy, and since Jack made me crazy and confused for three years, I figured it was the best representation for that situation. 

Jason was like, "Oh, you don't like him?" and I'm like, "YES. I HATE him. I mean, no, I don't hate him. He just makes me very frustrated." Jason and I left it at. I did, however, call my Mom when I was back cooking lunch (I made shredded chicken burritos, which were delicious by the way) to tell her about my 'what are the chances of that' experience.

I had only thought about Jack once since I got here, I didn't anticipate seeing him this early on however. I'm glad I instinctively was very friendly toward him.

I really didn't let half this drama bother me that much. [Project timeline, age 16]

Jessika is back on the scene.

I saw that she updated her profile picture today, which was the first update I'd seen from her since June 5th (around the time we had the falling out). Back then I figured she'd blocked me but I later realized that she temporarily shut down her facebook. I had actually wondered in the bath today what she'd been doing. I had more assumed she'd moved away, like to Idaho or something to help take care of her friend's baby.

Nope, she's still here.. I have no idea where she's living or what she's doing but I have no intention of asking or clearing the air between her and I. I'd rather put that to bed for good. However, I will not delete her from my friends list. Seeing her occasional updates might be interesting. I love facebook for that reason, you can see what people are up too while keeping your distance.

 Last night I spent the night at Katelynn's house and slept on her mom's mattress that she's going to sell soon. I actually really like that mattress, or maybe it's just that I like the sheet on top. I have been noticeably more sore lately but I think that's from all my working out with the whey protein. That stuff lets you work out for longer periods of time but it has a tendency to let you over-do it if you're not careful. My abs are really starting to get definition, it's strange.

Onto my project timeline again. Going back further I have to dig into my old myspace, back even further I'll have to go into my old photobucket account... I don't think I have any pictures of me when I was a child on my facebook, we'll have to wing it with snapshots from my phone. Until then...!

Project Year Timeline, 

Age 16, 2007-2008

Year of blissfully surviving social nightmares.

At 16 I was sort of starting to find my identity. I knew I didn't fit in that great with the mainstream popular leadership kids after getting shut out by them the previous year, and I was ready to find a more accepting crowd and move on. 

Unfortunately this was hard to do, because the way I saw it I had two choices: Either find some freshmans to hang out with or try finding friends two classes above me. Katharine's class was off limits because I knew pretty much all of them from being friends with Katharine, and none of them seemed like they'd want to hang out with me. Maybe someone would have if I tried, but I didn't, they were an extremely tight class and had very defined groups of friends that I didn't fit into. 

The previous year had been really rough for Katharine and I, which I will explain when I talk about 15. During soccer Katharine would snap at me for one reason or another, like this one time she was at the front of the line when we were running tied hand to hand with the rope and I asked a question to the girl in front of me (probably Alex S.) and Katharine yelled out the answer, sarcastically, as if it was a stupid question. Caitlin D. yelled that we needed to stop fighting immediately. 

Soccer season was rough especially because I hardly got any playing time. Lindy played defensive center mid too and scored a couple goals with her enormous kick and put me out of the job. I was a solid varsity player though, never had to play on JV. There was actually enough of us to have a jv team that year. 

Katharine was going to CBC but she was still in yearbook with me. We had soccer sports awards and I apparently didn't get the memo on when they'd be held. I had forgot about it and NOBODY called me to tell me it was going on. It pissed me off so bad that I started cursing and crying in Mrs. Tyrell's room, and Katharine just shrugged like I should have known. She could have easily called. Soccer season ended badly on that note and I didn't know if I wanted to play again. 

On top of that I was dealing with absolutely crazy shit with Tony L. and Genisis, the younger sister of my ex boyfriend Chino. Genesis printed a bunch of flyers saying I'm a "hoe" and left them all over the football stadium. She was never punished for it. 

You see I'd made some other friends, a much larger group consisting of a lot of foriegn exchanged kids. Austy C. was a really well liked person and she seemed to like me after I'd become friends with Heather E. the previous year. 

They were a really good group of girls, definitely involved in the school and super spirited (note that I was NOT. I was actually anti-school spirit after my previous year...).. Austy and Chelsea L. really were the group leaders and we'd all sit together at lunch. 

I was really envious of this girl in my group named Alice (pronounced "Aliche"). Well, I'm pretty sure almost girl in the school was. She was drop dead gorgeous, I mean tall, rich, beautiful, tan, from Milan. At the beginning of the year I was pissed about it, I was like, okay now my chances of dating anyone in highschool are probably even worse. Ha ha little did I know Chino wouldn't have let me date anyone regardless. Once I got to know Alice, though, I really enjoyed her company and stopped caring. She ended up dating Tony L. (Chino's cousin) who at the time absolutely despised me. 

Jack and I started talking on the phone this year at some point. During one of our long phone conversations Jack asked me where he should take Aliche on a date. 

Not far from Austy's group sat Kandyce's group. Kandyce and her minions were sort of the power in numbers clique that were SUPER school spirited and supportive of our football team that was doing really well that year. Kandyce was a friend of Chino's (well, Chino didn't care that much about her I don't think but Kandyce would hold parties and Chino would probably be there...) and after an atrocious experience at Warped Tour her whole group wanted to make my highschool experience a nightmare.

I guess they failed at that. Because in all of this, all these people gunning for me, I somehow stayed pretty in my own world. I think at the time I was playing a lot of video games and hanging out with Katelynn when I could. 

Academics weren't great this year. I really excelled in English with Tyrell but I had to deal with an elective nightmare. Stupid Minkler put me in Welding the first half of the year... Oh my God, Welding, THAT was an experience...

I'm pretty sure I had a crush on every guy in my welding class, namely Levi D. At the time I had just broken up with Chino, who all these guys partied with. No way in HELL they wanted to date me at this point. I was totally off limits. I don't think me and Chino were talking at the time so I didn't understand. Jessica S. was in my welding class, did much better than me, was a favorite of the teacher and got flirted with all the time. Obviously I'd be jealous for this reason. I was really happy when this half of the year was over. 

I was then placed in a weight training class, which was completely full of guys aside from Katharine, Emily B., and Jessica S. Katharine at the time was more than happy to just be partners with Miguel, who she'd started dating recently. Jessica and Emily would work out together and wouldn't really include me so I was stuck without a partner. I didn't have a partner that whole half of the year, I was really fortunate this group of hispanic girls let me in. They'd talk in Spanish together and take turns getting stuck with me. 

Things didn't get much better in the Spring. Tennis was rough because I had started acting like a complete bitch toward Haley in order to regain my friendship with Katharine. This didn't really work; actually when I'd talk bad about Haley toward Katharine to try to impress her she'd say "Haley isn't that bad, actually!" This completely drove me up the wall because HALEY was the whole reason Katharine was mad at me the previous year; of course it was clear that this wasn't the only reason once it that "problem" was taken care of. 

Me and Haley got in a number of arguments, including one on the tennis bus over some headphones. She would take falls during challenges so she could be in the 2nd seat because I seemed to WANT to play first seat. Actually my sophomore year I didn't want to play first seat, I wanted to beat Haley because I didn't like her and she didn't want to give me the satisfaction. What better way than to put a 16 year old against girls that completely whiped the floor with my face? I probably deserved it, honestly. Haley ended up quitting and I was stuck playing monsters the rest of the season. I think I won a couple matches, it was good practice however for the next year.

Overall:

Looks: I was still sort of dressing/dying my hair how my mom told me it would look the best. I did the blonde thing most of the year and didn't feel that comfortable with it for the most part. I dressed in plain, sort of preppy clothes from Pac Sun, JCPennies or the new Fuego. 

Work: This was the height of babysitting for Chad and Carmin, I'd be over there multiple times a week pulling practically all nighters. I had just started driving and would get pulled over by cops for violating curfew.

Skills: Developing tennis skills, I wasn't that good but I still loved it. 

Love:

I guess one of the best things about my sophomore year WAS Connor. I had talked to Audrey, his best friend, and ended up meeting up with her to go to Ray's. I met Connor and we clicked almost immediately. We'd cuddle in Audrey's basement in this spare bedroom downstairs. There was a lot of crazy shinanigans going on that I wasn't used too.

Connor was a huge smoker, and I'd never been around that before nor did I really know what it was. It didn't bother me though because I liked Connor so much I was willing to put up with whatever. It really drove his day to day life back then, though, and it bothered me that he cared more about it than he did me. Overall, though, my relationship with Connor was good. 

The timing really was perfect (around tennis season my Sophomore year). I was never really attracted to Chino and after our relationship was over I was looking for another guy that resembled Toren-- long hair, skater type, etc... and Connor fit the mold of what I was looking for even better because he was tall. I really liked this one and it took a long time to get over him after we were through around July. it's funny, in the times we've spent together he said the same thing even if he acted as though he didn't give a f*ck either way at the time.

I've never really had a relationship like Connor's since we broke up in 2008.. It  really has been that long. Regardless of Connor's lifestyle's contrast to mine (I was still pretty goody two-shoes back then, Hell I still am in a lot of ways) he still really liked me for me and I think that was the last time I really had faith in love. 

Granted I can't say I really loved Connor, but I'm sure I wouldn't have broken up with him and it could have gone there. It's probably for the best that it didn't, he didn't like how caught up I was with school and sports and discouraged it. Sports kept me out of trouble.

Music: I had a Zune with a huge amount of memory so I started buying CDs from all sorts of rock genres. One of the CDs that I bought was Trivium; I originally got it for Katharine (not realizing at the time that Katharine didn't like metal at all) but she didn't really want it so I kept it myself. This was really my first exposure to metal. 

I mainly listened to Coheed and Cambria. Katelynn got me really into them when we started talking again and she burnt me a couple CDs such as Junesong Provision. 

Confidence: 

Like I said before I really didn't let half this drama bother me that much. I wrote a lot in my blog to get it off my chest but I was able to escape by playing video games, namely Bully for the PS2 that we'd finally purchased that year. My mom was always really stressed about my drama but I put a lot of it behind me. Needless to say I didn't really like Ki-Be, but I dealt with it and figured it was just part of being an underclassman. If I had to do it all over again I probably would abandon sports and transfer to Kamiakin because I had a long road ahead. 

Alright that's it for now. Tomorrow I'll talk about 15, my year of being CRAAAAAAAAZY.

peace.