Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I like hipster guys with tattoos, beards and cats.

Custosy of this blog that has pictures of guys with beards and cats.

not only is the concept hilarious, but the guys in these pictures are gorgeous.

bah haha, that is all.

Hung out with Jake tonight and had a big long discussion and had a good time.


Meeting a brilliant person is a rarity. ~7~

I met probably the coolest person today.

His name is Thomas and he's my friend Lily's (or Cece's, either way, she goes by a couple names) boyfriend, and we got into a conversation today and ended up talking for two hours on all sorts of philosophical things. Lately, for some reason, I've become really philosophical... wondering why we're here, how people interact with one another, how people get ahead, why people associate with others the way they do.. And nobody really wants to hear me rant on about these things though I find myself doing it all the time. But this guy Thomas was totally interested and we had a fantastic conversation. He's a really good listener and talks about as much as I do, so you can imagine it was just.. talktalktalktalk. He's a person that *always* has something to talk about and told me, "My brain doesn't have an off switch. I'm always thinking about something..." That's just like me!!! It was exciting. I am sure we are going to be good friends.

Subtle things like this in my everyday life are what keep me going. Knowing there are people I can relate too. Knowing that I'm not alone. That I'm not a complete weirdo. I'm intelligent and being around other intelligent people makes me happy. No, I'm not saying I'm particularily "super smart," because that would imply that I think super quickly and can regurgitate a bunch of facts because I can't. But meeting other emotionally intelligent people makes me really happy.

I'm so thankful for my friends and I'm happy that occasionally I make new ones. : )

Man, what am I going to do today. I should of been studying Japanese earlier but instead I ended up in this huge conversation. I've got time, considering I go to bed at 11 pm my day is just starting.

My must do list for today:
1. Check out this book that Thomas just told me about that I really want to read.

2. Play for an hour.

3. Study Japanese for an hour and a half to two hours.

4. Work on math finals packets for an hour or so.


Monday, November 28, 2011

Let the Climax begin! ~6~

I had to post this picture that classicalgasemissions.com posted.
I swear to God whenever i'm in a crap mood (and just happen to be at home on my computer which is pretty often when I'm pissed about something if I'm not at work...) this site will make me laugh my ass off.

I didn't realize that his blog entries actually post MP3s too. I've been openning them with my zune software all night. Basically, the guy that runs this site lives up in Canada and finds the humor in tacky vintage shit. He goes to thrift stores and even finds old hard drives (like, Windows ME old) and upload the priceless stuff he finds on them. He's got two youtube channels: www.youtube.com/drbpony and www.youtube.com/classicalgasemission. His blog has a lot more variety than his Youtube. I'd really like to someday support his site by buying stuff from his "Crap" shop, but I still don't have $10 to blow on a Merna cup. Gasoline, gasoline, gasoline. . . I'm so tired of spending money on it.

Tomorrow is going to be nice, I don't have work practically at all this week except for Friday and Saturday. Granted, this paycheck that i'm getting this week is going to suck and the next one is going to be even worse, but I have spent about $150 in the last couple weeks and as long as I make more than that I'll be happy to be back up at $750-$800 again. That money that I made will be out of my hands in seconds with that damn tablet though. When I hinted that I'd be getting something she really needed, I wasn't aware of how many hours I'd be getting cut from the 28 a week when I said it.

My studying sort of alternates. I study Japanese on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and math on Mondays and Wednesdays. The problem with Japanese this quarter has been that I prodominantly work on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I haven't had nearly as much time to practice speaking. My speaking right now, ugh. Just awful when we start the new grammar. I just freeze when sensee is watching me speak, and it makes it worse. Today when I was in a really good mood things came at least a little more naturally, especially when I'm talking to other students. But with sensee, not so good. : / i'm not excited for the oral exam, but as always, I can do it! I just gotta beliiiiieve!

Day 6. Damn, already I'm getting a lot better at this. It's taking time to get used to this new relationship. It makes me happy every day that I'm commited to it. But nobody has to know about it. Probably better if they don't. People are just too damn competitive, and it's obnoxious.

Still haven't wrapped those presents. Dad's vest is sitting in a bag next to my clothes basket. Remind me to put away the rest of those clothes and wrap my dad's gift tomorrow.

OH! I had a math test today! Chapters 11 and 12 baby! You know what that means?! I've officially gotten through an ENTIRE math book. I don't think I've ever done that before. Chapters 1-12. And it's almost time for the exam and I'm not as nervous as I am excited. I've studied so hard for this freaking thing, with the help of a lot of tutors and a LOT of patience.

I think I did pretty good on the test. I only got stumped on one of them-- she had to make the interest problem with an interest rate that compounds "semi-annually." Granted, I had the formula memorized going into the test, but because I didn't know what semi-annually meant I didn't know how many times a year it compounded! Shit!! What a stupid thing to miss. God damn it, semi-annually means twice a year. I was thinking bi-annual meant twice so what did semi- mean? Three times? It made me mad and during the test I just needed to go forward so I just did the basic compounding interest formula. At least that'll get me partial credit I hope.

Kim made me sort of irritated today, though she didn't intend too.. I got to the classroom at about 2:45, which has become more of a study room for me because it's quiet and warm and nobody comes in until 4:45 when class starts. So usually I'll go to the S building to the tutoring center for an hour, then come to the W building at 3:30 or so and study more. Anyway, I decided to skip the tutoring center today because I was running a little later and didn't want to deal with all the schlepping, so I sat down and realized I didn't have my book. This is a big problem in math because my notes aren't very cleanly laid out and I very rarely refer to them-- I go straight to the book for reference and for problems.

I texted Kim, asking if she'd like to study with me early so I can get a chance to look at the Chapter 12.2 (I had no idea how to do some of the f o g (x) crap which turned out to be pretty simple). She told me that she wouldn't be able to until 4'. A little desperate, I asked her if she was using it and if I could walk there to meet up to use it while she's in class or whatever. But she wasn't in class, she was in the Hub studying math. She didn't invite me to come study with her or even offer to let me take a peek at the section. Idk, it just made me a little hurt when I've lent her my pink calculator twice when she forgot hers. It's okay though, I admit I can be really talkative and distracting, and I know the importance of studying alone.

Regardless, I ended up getting what I needed to get done. Pretty sure I did well. I look forward to seeing how I did on Wednesday and I hope it's good enough to give me a good feel for the final. I've been doing the packets too... they're lame. I'm lame. bah haha

Shit it's almost 12.


Sunday, November 27, 2011

Friends can make things amazing. ~5~

I had probably the most kick ass weekend.

But not because I've been pretty consistantly blazed this weekend, being thanksgiving and stressed over finals and all, but for the fact that I saw four of my best friends in the past few days (since friday). I saw Robert on Friday, then I saw Michael on Saturday before work and Katharine after work. Then I saw Katelynn today. It was just awesome to see all of them and catch up about things.

Roberts been good, just working mainly and hanging out with Vicki a lot. Things don't really change with him too frequently. He's going to school too, but he's never as stressed out or even talks about it like I do. I don't think school is that interesting to him, to be honest. Who knows what he'll end up doing. He's pretty happy with Vicki, and he doesn't seem too close to any of the other guys. Surprisingly, me and Tyler have been talking again. Tylers just been hanging out with Logan. Same shit. Logan's actually visiting Tyler from Boise right now.

Michael has just been going to UW, wondering what he's going to do with his life more than anything. He's not sure if he even wants to be a doctor anymore, though if he becomes one I think his parents will be proud of him regardless of his sexuality. I think it must be really hard to be gay and have to come out to your parents, especially when your parents are strict and Chinese... Hell, I should be happy that I'm not a lesbian, I don't think my parents would be particularily accepting either, even if they're democrats and pretty tolerant for the most part. Michael has also been taking 400 level classes, which I'm pretty damn proud of him for. I think it's pretty incredible how hard he works, period.

Katharine has just been getting by, from the way she sounds. Brian and her have been going strong, and she doesn't seem to have nearly as many problems with her living situation now that she has a new roomate. But I think she might feel like she's ready to move onto the next stage of her life-- like into her profession and such. It's hard to believe that she's only a year older than me and she's already ready to grow up and take that step when I'm still just going to cbc and haven't had much of a chance to get out in the world yet. But what's the huge damn rush. I feel like I'm at a good spot for me currently, but I'd rather not stick around here for another year if I can possibly help it. Anyway, Katharine and me talked a little about Dylan too. It sounds like he's really happy over in Florida. Well, seems like everyone thats gotten out of the tri-cities for awhile is having a much better time.

Katelynn has been WAY better than what she was just a couple months ago dealing with her mom and Jon. Allan is doing a really good job helping with the housework at their new apartment. Their apartment is really cute, and Katelynn has really good taste. Like, she's made this little apartment that could potentially be shady really cute and classy. She's so mature and independent. I admire her for it, she's always pretty much had to take care of herself. Like she was telling me today how Allan asked her how she learned how to cook and she just told him that she always had to do it. I'm pretty sure the first person that I live with will be... interested by my cooking?? I mean if he likes Asian food and Mediterranian he's SET. But yeah, honestly you guys I can't even make good nachos. lol maybe cause I don't like nachos at all?

Damn, it's already 10:11. You guys know how much work I have to do. How much I've procrastinated. Oral exams are in 3 days. Hannah's probably getting annoyed with my speaking proficiency. No way. I'm gonna make a change. The second I get done with this blog entry, I'm gonna turn off my computer, turn off this kickass Ween music, and get on with it. Oh my god this song though, it's so amazing. All of it is. I'm so happy Katelynn let me borrow these CDs. It's such feel good music.

Shit, time to get on with it. Why is getting to work so hard? I just want to enjoy my night.... Nope! I've been enjoying my time all damn weekend. Spent too much money. haha


Friday, November 25, 2011

Takes the edge off. ~3~ Sororities

Today I finally got a chance to see my friend Robert, after more than a couple months of not seeing him.

For the first time I remembered to give back his playstation, and I would of lended him the flip video too if my sister wasn't home to see I was lending it to him. I know that she would of freaked out if I got it out of her room, because she always acts like I'm stealing stuff from her and even if that's MY camera and I have the right to do what I please with it, my mom acts like because she bought it my sister should take top priority over it versus my friend. Well I'm sorry but if one of my best friends wants to use it after lending me his playstation 2 since the summer (like June I think?) I think he should damn well be able too.

 I borrowed his playstation because I had this crazy craving to play DDR and use it as a workout routine instead of running. Can you blame me? It was so hot this summer and I didn't want to have to go out running at 5 everyday. It made my hair all sweaty and greasy and I could only go before it got too dark. So with DDR it allowed me to procrastinate because I could play it at night right before I went to bed instead of having to go when I could potentially make plans. So yeah, DDR was an addition to what my exercise regime was this summer, which I needed because at the time I was eating a lot and wasn't working-- aka a lot of sitting around doing nothing.

So here's something I've never talked about:


Something that honestly isn't a big interest of mine at all, but something on facebook caught my eye today and I thought I'd write a little about it....

Apparently, Chelsie Elliot got into a fraternity at University of Washington and this is a very big deal.

This just caught my eye because I really don't have any idea why it's a big deal. This is all I really know-- So fraternities are these exclusive-- or not so exclusive groups of people in college or something and I think they live together and spend time together. Maybe do like.. club stuff together? I really don't know how it all works. But what better time to learn about it now. Personally, in my experience with clubs I've never had a particularily good time, but maybe that's because all of the clubs that I've been in were non-exclusive? Does the exclusiveness of being in a group that only accept certain people verify someone's existance to the point that it makes them feel better about themselves? What the hell is up with the whole greek thing??

What better place to look than wikipedia.

Well, wikipedia didn't have anything on the Alpha Sigma Nu group at Gonzaga, so I had to look it up on Google more specifically. I found a bullitan about it...

Apparently, the Alpha Sigma Nu program is recognized as being some of the highest achieving students in the school. People are judged on getting in or not based on their academic achievement, leadership skills and community service. This to me sounds a lot like applying to a scholarship-- nobody actually LIKES community service, it's unpaid work. People that are my age that do community service are only doing it for their own selfish reasons, in my opinion. No, I'm not saying that people my age that do community service aren't doing it because it makes them feel better about themselves for the service that they're doing, because I'm sure it does in a lot of cases. But I also feel like the main reason for doing the service is not for the self satisfaction or what they're doing the service for, but how good it will look on a scholarship application, a resume, etc... So I guess this is the same thing. I'm wondering where Chelsie did the community service.

I just think it's a pretty incredible honor to her. I mean, there are some girls that have just always worked really hard in school and did outstanding all throughout their years-- even in elementary, middle school, etc... and now they're doing it up in college. Like, Chelsie, Jennifer Wahlquist, Emily Deford, Emily Blizard.. they're always just been REALLY good at school. They've always turned their work in, studied for tests, planned ahead, read for hours,... So much of that stuff never came to me until I was like in my Junior year in highschool. HOW to get good grades and HOW to put in the right amount of work to succeed. Of course today I study my ass off and get really good grades, but somehow they understood this concept when they were just in elementary school. My mom thinks it's because they have strict parents.. I honestly couldn't picture Emily Deford's mom being that strict or Chelsie's. I can DEFINATELY picture Jennifer's mom being scary strict though about how well Jennifer did in school, though.

"First of all, only the top 15 percent of juniors and seniors from each school within the university, based on grade point average, are considered for acceptance.

Then the applications are sent and the process really begins. Applicants are screened by the current members. Finally, votes are held to determine the inductees.

The society is based on the ideas of academics, leadership and service, and all three aspects are weighed heavily during the selection process. So, it isn't just the people with the few top grade point averages that get in. Only 8-10 members are inducted each year."

I copied that from the website that I read about it on. That's craziness that she got into that. There's like thousands of people at Gonzaga. I started talking to my mom about the surrorities and she said that not all of them are the same, and a lot of them are just for partying connections. That I can definately also see with the houses of gross guys barely doing anything in school living together. Yet, why would some people want to be in one if it has a bad reputation?? I bet there's anime fanclub surrorities too, haha ick.

And maybe I'm wrong about people that do community service. Yeah, they're not Jesus but maybe they get a better sense of purpose if they do community service in their surrority and feel they're giving back in their community for the opportunities that they've been given. That sounds like a better way of putting it. People are probably better than I think and need to stop looking at things to crudely.


I guess Thanksgiving marks new beginnings. ~2~ What i'm thankful for.

See this? This is a living turkey. This is what we ate for dinner tonight. It's weird, when I think Thanksgiving turkey I don't think of what one actually looks like when it's alive. No wonder they cost a lot of money, you know how much feathers and shit someone had to peel off before it got to the grocery store? Poor turkey... And you know what's disgusting? The concept of meat itself. We eat meat because we've always eaten it, but when you think about it-- we're eating flesh!! What the hell!? When you think of the animal alive, it's so disgusting!!

I think it's time to start counting again, but this time, it's for real.

Today would be Day 2, because yesterday I made the decision to start counting again for numerous reasons. But I'm not counting down the days to leave, I'm counting up the days that I made effort to keep my mind off of unnessasary garbage. I won't explain the rules of this count in this entry, because I've done this twice previously. But third time is the charm I guess. So here it is, day 2. Day 2 of the new beginning, the new chapter.

Time flies by, doesn't it.

Today was sort of nice, very laid back. Today as everyone knows is Thanksgiving, though technically in 45 minutes or so it'll be Black Friday. I am NOT out in that mess. Not only do I not have the money to be blowing on just anything right now because of some wasted money on the internet (subscribed to a site that turned out to be totally different than what I wanted, and they charged me $17 for  the mistake. Next time, I'll read the reviews.) So in order to pay for that mistake for the next week or so I plan to not spend any money on food. My mom owes me $30, so I'll just use that for next weeks gasoline. If all goes right, I will be able to save quite well until my next paycheck. That check is going to be a pretty crummy one, so I'm thinking about asking for my schoolbooks for Christmas. There really isn't anything else on my list, I've got pretty much everything I want right here.

I guess my christmas list at this point would be this:
-One of my schoolbooks (So I don't have to buy them all)
-Those homemade wool hats that my mom is working on...
-A good webcam to use for making youtube videos.
From my friends:
-A pipe (Me and Katelynn are exchanging, so I'll be happy to get one. I'm not mentioning this to my family, haha).
-Samantha is getting me a worthy insence holder. I have one but it doesn't catch the ashes, what the hell is the point?
-Anything from Fuego-- psychadelic jewelry, accessories like hats or scarves, size large T-shirts, whatever. I like all that stuff.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's gonna be a pretty small christmas this year. I can't help but not really feel in the spirit of it. All I can think about is how much money i'm going to spend on gifts this year and how to divide it out so that it doesn't kill me all in one shot. I get paid again... I think December 1st, which is gonna be pretty crummy because not only am I not getting good hours but I keep on getting sent home early. Very annoying. Then the next one would be on the 15th. That's only two more paydays until Christmas.

So my plan is:
-On my paycheck on the 1st, I'm going to have to order Samantha's tablet. It's going to be expensive as crap, but I need to preorder it so that I make sure it gets here on time. Amazon is always super good with shipping times though. I'll also grab something for Shavonne. Not sure what yet, maybe some fabric or yarn? She likes knitting... She's always complaining about not having a sewing machine but I can't afford to help pay for something like that. Besides, shes shown no interest in what I'd like for Christmas, even if I did want a bunch of stuff.

-On the 15th I'll buy Katelynn's pipe and a gray scarf or something for my Mom. I never know what my mom wants exactly. She has a gillion scarfs but she always seems to mention wanting them. I am going to get Katharine something kind of funny, but useful (not a vibrator, god whoever is reading this is a pervert!!). I can't publish what it is on here, but I will write this hint to myself in case I forget: it's something I can buy at work. I have to reorganize them constantly.

Luckily my Dad and sister are out of the way. I should probably wrap up those gifts. I also need to clean up my room and study Japanese a bit tomorrow. This weekend has been really uneventful, I've spent almost all day today and yesterday sitting around doing nothing except playing guitar and the Sims. For the first time today I actually played along with a song, which was really exciting. I played Sonne by Rammstein. It's pretty easy but it's a start. I always start playing and feel no progression and forget about it, but this time I think I'm going to be more patient.

Vundabar means "wonderful" in German. I'm posting that as my status tonight on facebook.

Okay so, because it's thanksgiving I'm going to write what I'm thankful for.

Emily's Thankful List for 2011!!!

1. I'm thankful for Katelynn Collins, who has always been there for me in the worst and most distraut times. She's someone I truly can relate to unlike anyone else and I will love her for the rest of my life for that. I don't know what I'd do without her. My life would be so different if I would have never met her because we almost matured together in middle school and now we have similar mannerisms, it's weird! She's made me realize the importance of having a few good friends versus a shit ton of friends that you know an inch deep. She makes me laugh and I've had amazingly fun times with her. I'm thankful that she's alive, well, out of her mom's house, and that I just happened to meet her in a talent show in the 5th grade.

2. I am thankful that my parents are who they are and didn't send me to a mental institution or have me diagnosed with autism when I was a kid (I had a lot of the social tendencies..) for being socially different and having anger problems. I'm thankful also that they love me for who I am, and don't expect me to be anyone else. They have allowed me every opportunity that I've wanted to do; some being less successful than others-- sports, Evergreen girls state, taking crazy trips to Seattle, anime conventions, trying to learn how to play the guitar, doing band in middle school... everything. Whatever I wanted to do at the time, they allowed it and in many of the cases paid for it. And for that, I am eternally grateful because it's help me become the person I am today.

3. I am thankful for my sister, though we have social differences. We've really grown closer now that our family feels so isolated from our extended family. I know we're nothing alike in so many ways, but I still love her and she's technically the closest blood relative I have in the world. She's put up with so much shit from me but she never holds a grudge and has just sort of taken it.
I remember the crazy night that I got back from Ryan's house and we had some conflict about something, and my sister told me "Fuck you!" I've told Avery fuck you probably over a hundred times, but when she said it back to me I was so shocked and hurt. We ended up making up after I called Samantha balling my eyes out because of how alone I felt because of all the conflict with my family, and we ended up making up and realized how stupid we were both being. We realized how much we've taken for granted how lucky we are to have eachother. So for that, I'm thankful for Avery.

4. I'm thankful that I'm happier with my body than I've ever been in my life. I look thin and I look in the mirror and I am no longer so hung up about my body. Granted, I don't eat unhealthy and I still fret about what I eat, but I don't feel a need to lose more weight or feel like certain parts are nasty. I have just accepted that I am who I am. In a sense, I'm sort of thankful for Guy Stevens for being so complimentary of how my body looked. He told me that my thighs and ass are "bangin." That compliment alone really meant a lot to me for some reason, because I've always been really self concious about my thighs.

5. I'm thankful for the Japanese program at CBC. I know a lot of people think they're strange because of the obsession with Japanese culture, but I don't really care. I've met some really nice people in the program, and they've kept me company in my last couple years at CBC. One in particular that i'm especially thankful for meeting is Brad Pitkin, probably the least "Japanophile-y" one  that was in that class, but he was still a little nerdy haha. Anyway, he's been hugely supportive of me and I don't think I would of passed math 97 without him. And of course Hannah, who's been someone that I hang out with a lot at CBC which has been nice. It's really nice to not be alone at cbc . . . like I was the first year I was there.

6. I am thankful for all the lessons I've learned from all the guys i've had generally unsuccessful relationships with. I feel like because I've learned these lessons now, I won't make the same mistakes later in life when these mistakes are more detrimental. I feel like now, I have a far better idea of what i'm looking for in someone that I'd want to be with the rest of my life rather than just lusting. I also know that people DON'T change and that you can't try to change someone into something they're not to hide things that bug you.

7. I'm thankful for Katharine, who continued to be my friend even when I was a complete weirdo at certain stages of childhood. I randomly thought about some certain instance at work the other day when I was a kid, about building a huge blanket fort in my basement and Katharine sitting around watching for like 3 hours while I played Spyro on PS1. I can't imagine she was having fun. And I'm sure there were many times like this where she wouldn't be having fun at all because of my weirdnesses when I was younger, yet she continued to be my friend anyway. And I'm glad she did, because we've had some pretty fucking fun times together too. : ) Today we don't really hang out or talk much because of the distance and she lives a really busy live and so do I, but I still consider her one of my best friends and even if she does move to LA and we barely get to see eachother she always will be.

8. I'm thankful for Samantha, who has gone on some amazingly fun, nerdy trips with me to anime conventions. I've always been a shoulder for her to cry on when she's having trouble, and I feel like if I am down about something I can cry to her and she won't ever judge me for it. She's a sincerely sweet person, and she means a lot to me. I definately consider her one of my best friends as well, which is why I'm spending so much money to get her this tablet. I guess it's a lame way of showing someone how much they mean to you but I feel like it'd be something she really needs. She draws all the time and she has to take stupid pictures of her drawings with a digital camera, which doesn't work very well at all. I can't see her parents buying her one in the near future, so I think it'd be the best gift I could get her.

9. I'm thankful for my love of rock music. period. I can't imagine how I would be able to reduce my stress while driving. Not only that, metal has a way of empowering me.

10. I'm thankful for Bronkaid. I know this sounds creepy. It's an over the counter asthema medicine that Ryan told me about that I originally started taking for appetite surpressent. It has become the absolute greatest thing for my trouble focussing. It sort of acts like Adderal. it helps me stay calm and focussed, and has really benefit me this quarter. I think it helps with my depression and anxiety too. So it's been a good replacement for Wellbutrin, and i'm hoping it doesn't become perscription only. If it did I'd be in trouble.

11. I'm thankful for my big eyes, my soft skin, that I no longer have acne, that I'm not prematurely going gray (and probably won't thanks to my Dad's mom), my cute ears, my "bangin" physique, and my long hair. I find myself pretty for the first time in my life and I'm thankful for this.

12. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to go to college. That alone is so scarce and I think I take it for granted. I intend to thank my parents for this tomorrow.

All these things that I never thing about that I really do give thanks for. Thank god I have this blog where I can organize my thoughts.


time for bed....

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


So, I was sort of digging this guy named Zach for about a week, and thought he was really sexy. We got together and he acted like he really liked me. Few days past, no word from him. So I texted him and asked if we were going to talk again or what, and he called me paranoid. One of "those girls. -____-" and we never talked again. So, I go on his facebook today, and looked at his status. It says "Stupid stubborn girl >.> sigh" and then has another post that some girl posted that says: CANCER Great Kisser. Very high sex appeal. Great in bed. Most horny." and then some thing about libras and a heart. I start looking around a bit, and checked out her profile:

Some chunky ass, not even cute Asian girl that wears stupid Hot Topic shirts and lives in New York.
THIS is who he stopped talking to me for.

Sincerely, WHAT THE FUCK.

This just makes me sick. This guy told me he liked me, that he thought I was gorgeous, that he wanted to spend time with me.. then suddenly drops off to talk to THIS thing. I mean granted, if she was even a CUTE Asian girl, or seemed remotely interesting. . . .

It just makes me disgusted. I don't even know why I'm hurt and annoyed by this, but it just seems like this garbage is never ending when it comes to liking anyone. It's like any time I think it comes remotely close to even-- seeing that person that I find appealing more than once, something slaps me across the face. Men make me fucking sick. I'm just *never* good enough for them. But what, this troll is?

Or maybe it's just the guys I find attractive. Are they all just horrible people? Am I attracted to horrible people and am I just going to end up with someone that treats me like shit but because I'm attracted to that person I'm just willing to put up with it? I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could like someone that is nice to me and treats me with respect, but instead I'm only attracted to these assholes who almost immediately treat me like garbage after coming to ME and showing interest in ME in the first place.
I can't let this happen again. I just can't. I can't let them touch me, I can't let them manipulate me, and I won't listen to any more of their fucking lies. Because all they do is lie, and even if they seem at all interested in me,  they're lying. And they just want sex. That's all men want, is sex. And they're willing to say, or do anything to get it. And these are the men I'm attracted too, and I'm never going to get anything else. So in order to protect myself, if I ever have interest in anyone physically or if they have that -thing- that I'm interested in, I need to immediately avoid them because all they want is sex and they're all horrible people.

This is why I'm going to be forever alone.

And let me just say that in my title, I am just refering to any man that I've ever been attracted to and has fucked me over, hurt me, or treated me like garbage. Because I'm done. I'm just fucking done with all of it. Because I've been fucked over more than any 20 girls I know, and I've given up on ever finding what everyone else seems to get so easily.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Pinky pie swear~

Some typical first year kanji. I can read a little more than half of these.

Cbc library again.. messing around when I probably should be studying, but because I have the entire huge thanksgiving break to do so I have little motivation.

This morning I had a Japanese kanji test, which I waaaay overdid it on the studying and did about 1000+ squares of grid paper full of them, yet still forgot the kanji compound for "to travel" and "tonight." So I probably got a B on it, after all that work and copying over and over again. I honestly didn't look over which compounds we had to memorize until a couple minutes before the test because Hannah just happened to have the packet. Note to self, look over that packet next time.

I have work at five. Maybe I'll work on my drawing for my drawing challenge thingy. I am going to draw my favorite place, which in this case is my Grandma's house in Atascadero. I've had some of the greatest times of my life there. Granted, things sort of went downhill a bit when my Grandpa died but I've still enjoyed the last times I've been there. I miss my Grandma, and everyone else down there-- with the exception of Zoe, admittedly with all the drama she causes. Well, everyone down there has a tendency to be frustrating at times, but they're the only family I've got.  I still no longer consider anyone on my Dad's side my family anymore, and never will for the rest of my life. I hope all of them have just a fantastic Thanksgiving this Thursday, and they can talk a bunch of shit about us while they're at it.

It's sad, ever since that Zoe situation where I told Danae thank you for standing up for my sister when Zoe's trashy friend was laughing at her, my mom and I haven't been in contact with my Aunt or Adam what so ever. It's going to be really awkward now when I do see them, because they probably think I still holding a grudge against them or something. Ugh, I have no idea why my family has become so excluded from everyone. I don't think we did anything to deserve this... it's very saddening how alone we are. It's funny though, Haley (Wilson, I met her at Jessika's party recently) told me that her family is in the same boat and that they're not in contact with their mom's side of the family at all and her Dad just talks to his brother Dustin, and that's it.

The main reason that my immediate family was cut out from my Dad's side is obvious-- it's a combination of the fact that we're not mormons, and greed. The fact that we're not mormons has always made us outcasted in the first place, so I think that made it easier for them to just shut us out. I don't understand the mormon faith and why it's so damn exclusive.

Jack Didleys needs to stop freaking messaging me. I have no interest in going to their stupid club and I've replied multiple times saying "STOP" and I'll get a response that says they're going to stop sending messages but they don't.

I get like, no texts lately. Maybe because I posted that I'm fed up with texting? Or maybe because I'm bad about replys, I don't know. I'm just not really talking to anyone right now aside from who I see at school. Katelynn's been working these night shifts and I never going early enough to hang out with her on the weekends. She works from like, 4-12 AM or something like that, then she goes home and sleeps in sort of late. I only typically like to hang out with people in the evenings. I mean I'll get up early and do stuff but I don't really like going out that before 1 pm.

I need to go to wal mart and stock up on Broncaid. It's become my new Wellbutrin, but it doesn't give me the anxiety side effects. It also really helps with my ADHD. I've been taking it twice-three times daily since me and Ryan started hanging out, and I don't intend to stop taking it even if I'm not diagnosed with any sort of asthema. So, in a sense I'm abusing an over the counter drug. But because it's benefitting me a lot more than it's damaging me (sometimes I get runny noses because it loosens the moucus membranes), I'm not going to stop unless they stop me from buying it. And if it does become perscription, I really don't know what I'm going to do... Maybe try another anti-depressent, but that's scary. After my previous panic-anxiety attack from Wellbutrin, I don't want to ever go there again. It makes everything so scary. I'm still getting over it today, and sometimes have to carefully keep myself in check by breathing deeply or focusing on something else. Anxiety tends to sneak up on me at work worse than anywhere else.

Well, I think I'm gonna go draw. I have no idea what I'm gonna do this weekend, honestly. I'm going to try my best to get a lot of work done.


Monday, November 21, 2011

Finally!! My CBC Halloween event video!

This is probably going to be a quick entry because I should really be studying for my kanji quiz tomorrow. This one is going to be hard, chapters 11 in the genki book and chapter 9 in the K L&L. The problem is that, well, I suck at kanji and I haven't studied these at all until this point aside from the little we do in class. So it's gonna be a long night for me. I need to print out some kanji squares or get grid paper or something.

At the moment, I'm publishing a lonnnng late video for CBC Japanese club's halloween event. I have to say, there's a lot of, well, me in it. My face starts the movie, my face ends it, rambling on. I put all the costume entries into little clips and had a long clip of me and Hannah playing ping pong-- it's pretty cute, but I'm having a feeling people might be a little annoyed with how much of me there is in it? But honestly, if I'm uploading it to my youtube channel it has to have a bit of a format, it's a vlog channel so it's gotta have my little introductions and explaining of things. I tried pretty hard on this video, I'm not getting paid for it, and if anyone has a problem with it I might be a little saddened.

Today was a very productive math day, as mondays tend to be. I finished an ENTIRE practice final that was 50 problems long! That's 3 hours of studying, again. You know how hard I'm working at this? I cannot fail that damn final! And you know what I'm gonna do the day of? I'm gonna do what I always do on final days-- I'm gonna show up at 8 in the morning and study until my final at 5. Well, with breaks in between, definately.. but still! I'm gonna dedicate as much time as a possibly can to learning absolutely every little detail I have to know so that there are no surprises on that test. It might of defeated practically everyone else once, but it won't get me. : )

This weekend is going to be a lot of studying. I'm not getting drunk this weekend and I'm not intending on having a lot of fun. If possible, it'd be cool to see *someone* but I really don't want to push it. I haven't got many work hours this week, either. Tomorrow I work from 5-closing and then from 5-closing on saturday. That gives me a lot of free time to study for the oral exam, Japanese final and the math final. The Japanese final is scaring me, as always... I really don't understand this grammar very well because I haven't studied nearly as hard as I have in other quarters, probably because this math is so important to me. But I can do it. Having the patience I do and the endless fear of failure, I can continue to cram.

Man, what was I taking this time last year? Japanese I, uhhmmm... wow, I can't remember anything else I was taking last fall. I think maybe that stupid Speech essentials class? That sounds about right. Last winter was way, way more memorable than last fall. It's hard to believe how far I've come in Japanese and how hard I've worked in the past year. I feel like I am ready for university level classes.

That makes me think though, the people that leave to a university right out of highschool without taking any community college credits... I bet so many people have RUDE awakenings when they figure out how hard college level classes are in comparison to highschool, and on top of the stress of moving out on their own. . . I really couldn't imagine and I'm glad I didn't take that road, even though I guess I never really had the option too.

I need to dye my hair. I haven't dyed it in ages and it's starting to look this sort of orangey brown. Like, I look like a total redhead in certain lights. I don't particularily like how I look redhead, it makes imperfections come out. I am thinking dark brown with blonde streaks. A lot of people are saying all over blonde, but I don't want to damage my hair to that extent. I've already got split ends, and they're just bound to fry if I do blonde. I need a trim pretty bad, too. I just can't spend too much money because of the holidays and the fact that my hours at rite aid are awful; I'm not gonna be making too much money. I'm gonna get a box dye at Sally's and have my mom do it, works like a charm every time. My mom is fantastic at dying hair. Cutting though, ehh no I leave that to the professionals. But I dread going to the salon because I'm always afraid they're going to say all of my hair is split ends and they need to cut almost all of it off for it to look any good. The back of my hair is always sort of a rats nest, and I avoid looking at it...



Sunday, November 20, 2011

I'm selfish for even doing this.

My counting down the days will probably come to a halt, because again more than likely I'm going to have to push my time that I get out of here forward.

I brought up transfering in the Spring, and my dad literally started yelling at me about how it'd be STUPID to leave in the Spring because I'm just "gonna have to turn around and move right back in two months." And how the SMART idea would be to work for the spring and summer and THEN transfer.

No, that's a stupid idea. You want to know why? Because I'm a lazy piece of shit and if I ONLY work during the spring and summer you know what I'll do when I come home? NOTHING. Because I don't do ANYTHING without some kind of authority telling me what to do (unless it's exercising, the only acception). I'm not even kidding, without some kind of initiative of class or school, I won't study Japanese. I know that. So I'll end up forgetting pretty much everything I've learned and when I transfer in the fall I'll be scared shitless.

about 40 minutes later after talking to Brad, who always seems to make things better for some reason.

Okay, I just need to calm down. Everything will work out. I feel bad because Brad offered to give me some money to help me out for when I move, and I could never accept any money from anyone. Him and his wife Megan apparently decided on it, and I really hope I didn't somehow offend him when I refused. I can just never accept an offer like that from anyone unless it's from work, my parents, or a scholarship. I can't ever take money from my friends, especially someone like Brad whose done so much for me in the past. I mean, he saved my ass in Math 97, has given me a ton of advice, and has been there for me a bunch of times. He's an incredible person and I appreciate the hell out of him and Megan.

I just want to be happy. I wish that I could enjoy the time I have and enjoy life from a day to day basis instead of focusing on whats in the future because I never seem to feel happy about anything anymore. Depression is the hardest mental disability to deal with because it just never lets up. It's like a bad itch that never goes away or a really cold breeze that hits you every so often but no matter where you go you can't escape it.

I don't know why I'm just on the verge of tears tonight. I just feel like I've become a burden on people because of my poor attitude and outlook on things. I put up a pretty good cover at school but once I'm talking to someone that I feel will actually listen my true colors tend to let loose. I'm afraid that people like Shavonne, Brad, Katelynn, Katharine, even Samantha-- people that have listened to a lot of my issues and rants will eventually just be like, "Fuck you, everyone has problems. Get the fuck over yourself." Because this is what I continually think to myself when I write on this blog.

I'm trying so hard to shake this, trying to get over these feelings of depression and I just want them to go away. I know that I have no room to complain when I live a good life, don't live in a third world country, I have food to eat, I take things for granted. I am spoiled. I am selfish. I already know this. But why does my own mind put me through such anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness and emptiness? Why does it put me through this Hell on a near daily basis? Will leaving the tri cities make a difference? Will it always be this way?

I guess that's my own decision.

My blog is becoming very redundant and I don't think anyone should read it. I will probably make it private soon. Though this blog is very therapudic for some reason and I don't think it would have the same effects if it was private. I just need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to get up very early to study Japanese. I usually feel good after I study, like I feel accomplished.


Friday, November 18, 2011

134 days now, my God! First round of Christmas shopping, and X Factor.

134 days. I have 134 days to get my life completely on track so that I can move out in the Spring. It's scary. Very scary to me that I really got to step it up if I want this to work out in my favor. This weekend I have two days off work, today and tomorrow and today I'd really just like to go out and shop and enjoy my time. I got paid and I have about $780 in my bank account right now and a half a tank of gas. This alone makes me happy.

I'm intending on beginning my Portland application today as well. With my GPA being as good as it is and having that big long essay that I wrote when I applied to Western, it should be a relatively easy process. Now I just gotta locate that document, shit. Would it be bad if I basically submitted the same one to two places? I doubt the colleges talk to eachother and compare essays-- or do they.. Anyway, I've almost given up on Western because I can't wait for them to send me the memo saying if I'm in or out in January. That, and my family really doesn't want me going there because it's expensive as fuck. I'm considering Portland now because there's no out of state tuition for Washingtonians. It seems like a cool city environment even if it's not huge and overpriced. We'll see, I'm gonna start looking into their business program today. Though I know Central has one of the best business programs, I still don't want to go there at all. Though if I don't get into Portland, it's going to be more of an option.

Today I found a lovely $10 off any $10 purchase at Macy's today. Wait does that mean free?! Ha ha, well I'm taking advantage of it. I'm gonna get my sister's and my dad's christmas gifts out of the way today. Unless of course I find something just perfect for someone else.

i'm adding a couple people to my list of people I have to shop for. So here's the final checklist:

1. Katharine
2. Katelynn
3. Mom
4. Dad
5. Avery
6. Hannah 
7. Jessika
8. Shavonne

Of course some of the gifts are going to be smaller than others. I'll be able to afford it, definitely. I'm always so giving during this season because it makes me so happy to give to others and show them my appreciation for being there for me time and time again. 

I'll document what I buy before I wrap it up at the end of the day. My dad thinks I'm smart for doing my shopping this way.

I'm watching X Factor's Top 10 elimination right now. I'm so surprised that Lakota Rain made it through. They're a somewhat disorganized country rock group thrown together by the show by taking four solo singers that weren't good enough to compete alone and sticking them together. I'm hoping Josh Krajik, Astro, Chris Rene or Melanie Amaro doesn't go home. They're all my favorites. I've only been loosely following the show though.

Rihanna is so gorgeous!

I'm gonna get going, gonna watch the rest of this show and get ready for my day. Had an early dentist appointment today and they told me that my teeth look great. Nice way to start my day.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I've got time, things will work out fine....

That was part of my status today on facebook, because lately I've felt like time wise everything has been going pretty good. I haven't felt too rushed in school or anything, and I've had time to study and keep caught up. It's from the song "Time Was" by Canned Heat. Weird song hardly anyone has ever heard, haha.

So, note to self, wednesday is NOT when I get paid. Actually I get paid on Thursday, or Wednesday at 12 am. I ended up spending $150 in the past two weeks (I paid for my own car payment, another $50), almost all of it going to gasoline, the rest of it going to food. I can't be spending this much anymore. It really is time to make a change. I think I either need to just stop buying food all together or... well, that's really the only thing I can cut. I have to really start saving for Christmas. So I should get a half decent amount of money for my paycheck, and my account balance will go from $409 (what it's at now) to somewhere... better. Idk yet, can't say, hopefully above $500.

Still no word from such-n-such, I'm pretty sure he's playing Skyrim pretty much 24/7. Another one bites the dust. I do the three day rule. If someone doesn't make any sort of effort to contact you in three days, they're not interested.

Moon rainbow.

I feel pretty happy today. Maybe because I'm not stressed out about too much, but I know that I gotta go soon because I need to start on my math. I'm not hungry, and I have this weird microwave lunch thing that I got out of the freezer outside. It's this Lean Marie Calender thing that looks... disgusting. Any time they try to take a fatty food (steak and potatos) and make it 160 calories, you're bound to have problems. I'm just going to wait on that... plus it's been in the outside freezer for ages. It was between that and a pot pie. I think I made the healthier, yet nastier choice.

Reasons that I'm feeling happy:
-I'm excited to get paid.
-I fit into a pair of jeans this morning that normally don't fit, even if I'm technically "bloated" because of-- yeah.
-I love my friends, hung out with Hannah for a bit today and saw Katelynn recently.
-I'm chewing peach gum.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

How many paychecks before Christmas?

Goodafternoon, it's 2:26 pm and I have work at 5'. I should probably use this time to be productive but instead I'm wasting time on the computer. I'm gonna get off here when I'm done with this entry and do these damn Japanese assignments, I swear.

Too much on my mind, too much wondering. I am trying to relax and just let time go by as it should...

I'm pretty convinced that this guy that I like doesn't have any interest in talking to me because I haven't really heard from him in three days. That to me is a sign that yeah, get over it. Again. I'm not too concerned, just a little disappointed... or something. It's weird, I don't really have any emotions. I felt happy when we hung out together the other night and everything seemed cool, but when I left felt like we'd probably never talk again. My intuition usually tells me this, and it's never been wrong. Maybe I'm psychic, haha. But yeah, no we'll never talk again unless he makes the initiative because i've promissed myself that I never make any attempt to talk to someone that I like unless they talk to me first. It's pretty shitty though, it's officially been a year since I've been in any sort of relationship, and everyone that I've *been* with in the last year has been a complete mistake and hasn't given a rats ass about me at all.

Japanese was good today, a little stressful though. I had a quiz that I showed up to school at about 8:00 am to study for. I ended up memorizing all of the vocab words even if I procrastinated until the last minute. I'm pretty sure I'll get 100% on it, even if I spelt a couple things wrong. I wrote the kanji for two of the words which should make up for it. Sensee makes it pretty easy to get 100% if you study hard enough. The new grammer though, again is really frustrating.

I've got work tonight from 5-10:15 and then TOMORROW I GET PAID! WOO! i'm happy about this paycheck becauuuuse I obviously need more money for gas, and I intend on splurging on the first christmas present. Since I'm buying for only a few people, I figure I'll buy one or two gifts with each paycheck and then by Christmas I'll have shopped for everyone. I'm gonna buy a pipe for Katelynn, which will probably cost around $40. You know what would be totally amazing? If I could get a pipe custom done with the Coheed and Cambria symbol. I know that'd be a stretch, but if I could get it, that'd be the best gift ever. I'm sure I'll be able to find a good pipe otherwise though. I want something that I know Katelynn will like, but sort of has an "Emily feel" (lol) to it too. Like if I got a psychadelic rainbow pipe or something.

I'm also planning on getting Samantha a drawing tablet that will probably cost around $50. This is something that Samantha really needs for her art. Because I'm moving here in the spring, I don't know how much i'm going to be able to see my friends that live here in the tri cities. That being said, I'm planning on getting my few close friends very nice gifts because they've helped keep me sane for so long and I don't know what I would of done without them.

As for Katharine, I still have no idea at all what I'm going to get her. Shopping for Katharine is always really hard because she spends a lot of time doing things that don't require much.. like, running and working out and working on projects that she's already got the software for. She isn't that huge into makeup, and I don't really know what kind of books she likes to read-- plus that'd be sort of a lame gift anyway, a book... unless it was some cool illustrated book. Idk, I'm holding off Katharine's for a month or so.

My mom is still thinking about what she wants, and my sister has everything. I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna get my sister an eyeshadow pallette from Macy's so she can stop jacking my shadow. Or maybe an eyeshadow from Mac? The wet or dry kind? I know that she'll like that. I could get her a blue one and a white one. Those shadows cost about $15 each. This is why I'm spreading out my shopping, so I don't get hit with everything at the same time.

Depending on how much I get paid and what my finances look like tomorrow, I'm probably going to get my sister's and Katelynn's gift out of the way for this next couple weeks. I also gotta think of one for Shavonne too. turns out Grandma doesn't want us to send her anything.

Well, I better get going and get some work done. Two hours before work.


Monday, November 14, 2011

Why you won't EVER see me dance, Ever.

Evening everyone, I hope your day was as good as mine was today.

No honestly. Today went pretty fantastic. WAY better than planned. I expected my ping pong tournament to be a complete disaster where nobody showed up and half the people that do show up end up bailing half way-- NOPE! Everyone that signed up stuck around until either the end or until they were out, which made me so happy. The bracket system worked really well, too.

This is what the poster looked like. I ended up adding "Sports Day" and "11:30-1" at the top. I was so happy when all of the participants were respectful of me needing to use both courts to get the ball rolling, probably because most of them were participants.

I showed up today and Jon was wearing this karate outfit thing with a cloak with the Japanese flag on it. I thought it was interesting, very spirited. I didn't really advertise the fact that the event was for the club very much, aside from the obviousness in the poster. But all of the guys that did play were super stoked to have a formal tournament to see who was the best. The winner got a ping pong raquet. Jon ended up getting second place, and I was nervous that he was actually going to win. . . I wouldn't of wanted him to win because the purpose of this was to advertise the club to other people around the school so we can get more members. It's weird though, I feel like the club itself has become sort of exclusive without realizing it.

I like someone, don't know if I've brought this up yet in previous entries. Probably not. I seem to like someone new each week and get over it quickly because I don't end up really being into them for one reason or anyother. But I DO like this one. Like, he's got... "It." I've yet to find out what "It" is but I know that if things do work out, I'm gonna be pretty content with this one. That being said, I'm going to really not try to push it talking to him wise... This definately seems like a guy that likes space. We haven't texted all day... So I'm gonna be very patient and not worry about it. If things are meant to work out, they will. But if not, well that's no loss for me because nothing ever does in that aspect of my life so it's not a big deal.

Math class was good today. I actually talked to Lambert for a little while because I brought her a problem after class that I needed help on and she spent a good 10 minutes helping me with it. That thing was AWFUL. Another one of those stupid motion problems that I dispise. She seems so have noticed how hard I work, and said that it seems like I'm "getting it." That alone means a ton to me. She seems pretty cool. She's probably only 27 at the oldest, so I felt like I could talk to her pretty easily. I told her that I intend to be a business major which means I'm going to have to take a bit more math down the line but this is my last algebra class and I really need it to move forward in my life. I have been studying very hard and doing all I can do to pass that class, and I'm pretty proud of myself for my dedication. I'm gonna need TWICE as much dedication for next quarter though when I'm gonna be doing the double hit of accounting and visual basic-- which are both pretty math based. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do it.

I've begun considering other college options as well. I'm going to start looking into Portland. Not only is it closer, but it's a city and it's way less expensive than Bellingham.

Dancing. I fucking dread this word. I hate dancing, I'm terrible at it, I have zero rhythm, and I feel like because I'm so bad people stare at me. Apparently, someone wants to ask me to go to some company party with them but this person wants to know if I'll dance if I go. Uhm, no. Just, no. I can't dance at all, and I refuse to be anywhere where dancing is an obligation. It's funny, there are two situations in my life that I avoid at all costs-- Dancing and rollarcoasters. And it's had an impact on many instances in my life where people either want to dance or want to go ride rides at the fair or something and I just flat out refuse and then feel like I missed out on something. But in the times that I HAVE agreed to dance or go on a rollar coaster, I've been completely miserable and either get made fun of or laughed at. So no, they'll have fun without me. I'd rather be at home alone. I'll just make things worse for them anyway because when one person is feeling awkward and not having fun, it's magnetic.

I'm pretty sure my 100% opposition to dancing is rooted from both highschool and my mom/sister. Whenever I was at dances in highschool, I'd never be having a good time so I'm sure I wouldn't be smiling-- so I'd just be trying to copy everyone else, almost every 15 minutes or so looking at the clock and hoping it gets over soon so I can get the hell out of there. But there'd be people like Kirsten Kunkel that would be like, "Are you okay?" Like, you look weird, basically. I don't know if these people were directly insulting my bad dancing or the expression on my face. Probably both.

Then there's the fact that my sister's a cheerleader, and she's always been really good at dancing. I remember this one time that Denae was over and they were trying to learn some stupid fucking Miley Cyrus dance that I'd learned at Evergreen girls state. So I went out and started dancing to it, joking around, and my sister chuckles and goes, "Spaz." I've never in my life been so insulted by her, and I right there wanted to punch her in the face so hard, again and again, then kick her in the groin and spit in her face. I'm a spaz? You're a weak piece of shit. That's what was going through my head, and was for about three days. I was sincerely hurt. So from that point on, I swore to NEVER, EVER dance again. And it doesn't help that my mom and sister like to remind me of how bad at it that I am, even jokingly. I think it gets them off that I'm not good at something.

I discovered I was a shitty dancer a few years before high school though, at Katharine's birthday party back in the 7th grade. Back then, Katharine liked to invite a bunch of girls from her class over, some of which being the "popular ones" that probably didn't particularily care about Katharine what-so-ever but she was probably seeking some sort of approval from. I'm not saying that Katharine was a wannabe, but as she got older I think she realized that a lot of those girls weren't her actual friends, and rightfully so-- Katharine ended up being a record breaking athlete and one of the top students in her class when I remember seeing a different girl that was at her parties in middle school smoking cigarettes on her lunch break with bags under her eyes out on Windy street behind the highschool looking like complete garbage. Anyway, we were all dancing out in their family's shop, and I remember thinking that I just couldn't do what the rest of them were doing, and feeling like I was an ugly joke. That dancing went on for like 3 hours and it was one of the most miserable, self loathing moments of my life that I can look back on.

I think I would rather eat a live mouse in front of everyone.

So yeah, no dancing for me. Ever. I'm pretty sure if I have it my way I won't be dancing at my wedding reception. Lol, you recently I realized that it's a tradition for the bride and groom to dance in front of everyone for one dance. Even if it's slow dancing, that sounds terrifying.

I guess the only circumstance that I will dance is when I'm alone, playing Just Dance, on extremely low volume, strictly for the cardio exercise of it.

Alright well I'm gonna get going, peace out.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

She's a butch lesbian because she's bigger and has short cut hair?

Because this girl is a friend of a friend of a friend that I rarely even talk too on facebook, I doubt that she will ever see this, and if she does, I'm honestly really sorry and if you ever do see this let me know and I will take this down.

All this entry is going to be about is this person that I found that has completely blurred the lines of the gender equalibrium that I'm just lost.

This is a girl that I found on facebook, though I'm not going to post her name for obvious reasons. Yes, this is a girl. At first glance you would probably assume "very butch lesbian," but no, in fact she's straight, in a relationship, and pregnant.

Okay now look at this picture.  Now by looking at this, one might make the judgement that the two guys on the right could be potentially gay because of their haircuts, and the way the guy on the right is daintily holding his beer. This however, is an irrational judgement because you have no real indication. But in fact, the woman on the far left is in a relationship with the guy in the tye dye shirt and they're going to have a child together!
I'm sorry, but when I see this my mind for some reason jumps to the conclusion that the one on the left is gay and the one on the right is lesbian. But I'm WRONG. Well, according to her profile she's interested in "Men" and "Women", but that's beside the point...

She's a woman, she's pregnant, and she has a boyfriend.
And she's completely blown my mind.

But it's in our world today that she CAN be herself, not feminine in the slightest and be accepted for the most part, yet have society fit her in the cardboard box steriotype of "Butch Lesbian". And because my mind is so used to doing this in order to be liberal and accepting of people and their sexualities (or so I thought), it can't seem to get my head around this girl NOT being a "butch lesbian." Has my mind been so brainwashed to believe that any girl that isn't feminine and wears their hair like a man might is a lesbian?


It makes me realize that you really can't label people into subcultures/groups because though a lot of the times those judgements are right because people conform to certain steriotypes themselves, you can sometimes be wrong.

That's all I had to say.


Friday, November 4, 2011

Learning to say No.

Saying No seems to be a huge challenge for me.

Whether it's with making plans, buying stuff, telling people things-- it's just really hard for me to say "No" because I have this weird sense deep down that if I say "No" I'll somehow disappoint someone or miss out on something. I've been trying to work on this, and after some deep thought last night I've really come to the conclusion that saying no is going to play a huge role in learning to respect myself. Because I need to keep in consideration my health, my money, my success, my consequences; when making these decisions. Granted, there are always things that I will say no too, such as:
-Doing drugs. Actual drugs, mind you. And cigarettes. Ef both of those.
-Heavy drinking in places where I'm really uncomfortable or don't know anyone. Ef that, too. I want to be in control in those situations.
-Stupid free dental screenings at CBC. Yeah, like I want some rookie dental assistant poking around at my teeth and telling me about the many services I can get from other rookies with their mentors watching them. Nooo thank you.
-Really fatty food. If someone offers to give me the rest of their fries, I'll almost inevitably say no.

But yeah, other things... I'm not going to go too into specifics, I really need to learn to say no too. Like, say someone is asking me to hang out with them when I KNOW I have work the next morning and KNOW I have to get homework and studying done but don't want to disappoint that person and have them not like me anymore. What I want to know is, who the fuck cares? Anyone who actually cares about me will understand that I have work to get done. Life goes on. Because lately, I've been struggling in school because I've been pushing it aside to hang out with people instead of getting work done that I know needs to get done or I'm gonna be kicking myself and crying because I didn't do it earlier.

That and everybody seems to want me to buy shit from them. Idk if it's just because I have money all the time or what, but continually I'm getting people that want me to buy stuff. Like Leah recently, I can't seem to ever talk to her without her trying to sell me something.

Here's me at the halloween event, cute right? lol. The tail looks like a Wii remote.

Anyway, I talked to Leah for the first time in awhile and she commented on my collar, saying she could make me a real one. I'm like, "Ehh.. this isn't an everyday deal.." She then said, "Yeah I make them for costume and in the bedroom." I'm laugh, not really getting it at first. For some reason my first thought was as a decoration. Guess I'm not as perverted as I thought.

Once I got it I'm like "WOAH, noo I'm not really into that stuff." Honestly, I'm not though. She then continued to talk about all the stuff she's making, tra-la-la. But normally I'd be like, sure why the hell not, I'll buy something. I'm like this especially when friends are trying to sell me something. Granted, if Samantha had some art or something that she was selling, I'd buy it from her just because I know she doesn't have the ability to get a job right now (not having a car, etc..) but if someone is capible of getting a job, I see no reason why I should buy something from them unless I really want/need that thing.

So anyway....

Hung out with Ryan last night. This I think is the 6th time we'd seen eachother, and we sort of laid together upstairs talking about different things. I finally mentioned TWO white elephants in the room. The first was triggered by him talking about how he's going to be partying with all Troy, Jesse, Garrett, and Jack today. When he mentioned it I sort of groaned, and was like "Ughh don't bring him up." He told me that he didn't get why I hated him so much, so I finally told him what happened and why I'd prefer he didn't bring Jack up and not to bring ME up today, which I had a feeling wouldn't be mentioned anyway but I wanted to cover my bases just in case.

I also mentioned the second white elephant, the fact that I felt sort of strange about this whole thing. Like, the only way I can describe it is that when I'm with Ryan I feel like we're related. Which of course, we're not. At all. But I've known him for so long that it's strange that it would even relatively go in this direction, which he agreed with... Apparently he's been sort of feeling the same thing.

Okay so today, I'm going to say something possitive! Lately I've been noticing how pretty my skin actually is, which I guess before I never noticed because I had acne for so long. Like I feel like I can leave the house without that much makeup on. This morning, I was running late for work because I'd left my phone at Ryan's house and had to run over there with my hair soaked at 10:30 (had work at 11, unexpected shift that Dana gave me when Tracy was sick), and didn't think too much of it. That's another thing-- Ryan's now seen me in the following icky scenarios that I usually wouldn't be caught dead looking like:

1. With my hair all curly (my hair had been up in a bun that day. That was the night that he wanted to see me at 2 am. Actually, yeah the first time we ever hung out)
2. Looking like I've been on crank for three days (this was last night after my shift. I was freakin exausted and pasty from being sick)
3. Tilapia'd. Red eyed. This was when I was with Katelynn.
and lastly,
4. Literally out of the shower, wearing a rammstein shirt and knee length shorts, eye makeup under my eyes, wet hair.

Maybe, with that, I feel like I can trust him to an extent. The fact that he's STILL interested in me even after seeing me look like complete shit and I've completely acted like myself around him. That's another thing. I've put up no cherade (Charade? Cherad? I have no idea how to spell that. My mom says it a lot. Basically an "act.") around him and he seems to like hanging out with me for who I am. That alone, makes me trust him more than anyone I've been with this last year.

Work today sucked... I always feel like I'm making mistakes and that I'm going to get fired. Everything I do is always wrong. Always breaking some kind of rule. There's so many to remember. My dad showed up to buy some random junk and took me out to dinner around 7'. That was pretty awesome, there's this 3 Margaritas place over by where I work that has the quickest service ever, even if every time we've been there it's been swamped busy.

Well I'm gonna wrap this up. Right now I'm downloading the sims seasons via direct download, and it's taking ages. I'm gonna study.