I've got soo much on my mind right now. It's 12:30 pm, spent a little time BSing on facebook before I decided to write.


I worked until about 11:30 pm tonight. Kids was an absolute mess because of back to school shopping. I'm exhausted. No luck with findmores or credit apps today because I was more focused on trying to work as hard as I could to fix some of the havoc. I have no doubt that my coworkers are trying their hardest. It's just very difficult to keep up with people. I have recently developed a much better knack of locating items on the floor in childrens, which is a lot to remember when I'm trying to help maintain both fitting rooms. Blegh. Lots of running around. Which I like... I keep busy which makes the time go faster. I feel like I do help customers and they generally appreciate my help but I rarely push the credit cards or hassling people to buy shit online.

I saw a few really sweet kids today. A hispanic family walked up and their daughter said "You look pretty" just totally out of the blue. Their were wearing these little matching hair piece things that I'd said looked pretty too. There was also this super cute little blonde girl that came with her parents and her Dad's brother or something that looked about my age. She said "Hi!" to me just out of the blue and waved and I'm like "Hi how are you?" I'd mentioned the family because that guy that looked about my age knocked over a rack of skirts and actually helped me put it back up because the stupid screw wasn't working.

I don't know, in retrospect today was a very good day at work. It might have not been perfect in there when we left but I definitely worked as hard as I could and feel like I'm generally getting better at my job. Good news for me because I'm almost positive I'm going to be in kids for the rest of the month. I mean I realize now that they kind of need me there, I mean it needs help more than the downstairs does, so I just need to stop bitching about not working downstairs.

There. That's the last I will speak of it. I kind of groaned when I learned I was working upstairs today but I know now it's just for my own selfish reasons-- you know I just wanted to work with Katelynn, Angie, Chad, etc... That's not logical, it's just bullshit selfishness. Shame on me, lol.

Okay enough about work...



Texted Jay a little bit today. Well I got one text this morning in response to the one I'd sent him last night. I admit I do feel sort of awkward when I send him a text and I don't get a response at all.. like you know I'll double-read it like "Did that sound stupid?" Ha ha. But yeah I'm not worried about it because for all I know he might not even have a phone charger where he is. He's on a work trip all weekend doing construction, after an entire week of 5-day shifts.

\Here's Patrick, Janell, and Seth D. I've actually talked to Seth somewhat extensively because I was pretty interested in the cross country trip that they took. Jannell is dating Patrick, who worked with Katelynn at Wal Mart. Patrick's a pretty unique guy, I can appreciate his personality but we've never really connected so I've always thought of him more as an acquaintance than Seth who I feel is my friend. 

I try not to think about Jay that much because it's dawned on me how weird it is that we're actually spending time together and don't know if it's going to last because of our previous experience. I honestly thought I had burned my bridge with him completely after texting him that day back like... last August before I moved out. I remember I'd been at Samantha's house that day. Jannell had come up in a conversation, who had just hung out with Samantha awhile earlier. Samantha and Jannell are pretty good friends, Jannell and Jay are also good friends... Me and Jannell however have never really clicked. Anyway when samantha had brought her up it had made me think about the previous radcon and how frustrated the second day had made me when he "bailed" and was raving about it to Jannell that night. Turns out he actually wasn't at the con that day because he was hungover, but I'd taken it like he was doing it to blow me off.

So I texted him all pissed off and was like "I heard you're a player" and yadda yadda ya... it was so stupid. He replied, "... what was the point of you sending me these messages?" lol...


I don't know now that I look back on it, it seriously sounds doesn't even sound like me. I have enough confidence that I'm a different person than I used to be to some degree. But I still think back to some of the things that Jay said to me when I was younger about how much my personality bothered him which still makes me think he's not going to stick around long. So I try not to think about it either way and just let things roll. But yeah, of course I have to write everything out to make sense of my thoughts lately.

peace.

Had a crush. Sabotaged a friendship to lose the crush, wow...

I've been listening to the album Clockwork angels by Rush today.

I haven't really been in a heavy metal mood because I'm feeling better today than I have the past few days, but I'm definitely not feeling Gaga either. This album is pretty calm, with enough musical quality to keep me entertained. It's kind of feel good, too... in some strange, trippy Rush way. I'm not very good at describing how I feel about albums. This just suits my mood, that's all I can say. Go listen to the album.

 I've been losing too much weight lately, it's kind of freaking me out. I haven't been very good about preparing food for myself, sometimes I'll just feel lazy or so engrossed in what I'm working on that I don't want to eat. I guess you could say I eat to live, not live to eat. I'll eat when I'm hungry and feel satisfied quickly, it's rare that I snack out of boredom.

One of the main reasons I've grown accustomed to eating so few calories is that I try not to snack while I practice because the fret board gets greasy. When you do anything for three hours a day, it's bound to put a strain on other things. I've been watching documentaries about obsessions on Netflix and though I'm not NEARLY as extreme as those crazy people I certainly see similar tendencies with my practicing. Who cares though-- I'm a typical guitarist that's actually serious about it, I'm sure Steve Vai practiced all day long.


So I totally f*cked up any chances I might have otherwise had with Jed yesterday! Ha ha, that tiny crush led me to the point of completely destroying Patrick and I's friendship and it initially made me a little sad but now that I realize WHY I did it I'm much more forgiving of myself...

The whole situation frustrated me because it felt out of my control. I had a crush on someone that I knew I wouldn't be able to bring myself to talk to because he doesn't accept friend requests/messages on facebook. I knew that the only way I could talk to him is to continue to spend time with Patrick, which made me feel awful because I knew he had feelings for me... And I'd told him I didn't want a relationship, then going after his friend. It went against my moral code, so thinking of the situation rang in my head over and over again, while simultaneously thinking of this person that I didn't even know...

So I told Patrick. Told him that I had some weird crush on his friend, I had no idea why, and that if I ever did talk to him that I was sorry. It was worded more carefully than that, mind you, but when it comes down to it that's what it said. 

I knew it wasn't the right thing to say. I put the shoe on the other foot and I would be absolutely appalled by this girl who I'd just taken on a date, helped with her math homework, bought a birthday gift... But I had to tell him because I think subconsciously I knew that was the only way I'd destroy this crush I'd developed that  put a strain on my thoughts.

 It put a burden on me because I was thinking about him and wondering if I'd see him when I walked back to my apartment. Because I saw him like... literally three days in a row suddenly my mind was keeping an eye out for him. I think it's understandable, I mean he's not a complete, complete stranger because of the fact that I made direct eye contact, and I know he knows who I am because he knows I'm Patrick's (well, now ex-) friend.

But yeah, sabotaged that one. Patrick pretty much responded like, "Wow I can't believe you'd actually tell me that, I knew you liked him but you didn't have to tell me..." And I knew I shouldn't have, but my mind kept rolling the thought over in my head over and over again for three days that I finally had too.

I think it was just the only way I could get away from the crush I had... Because I don't want to have a crush on someone that I can't talk too. It would leave me wondering every time I walked passed that damn building. It's just sad that I had to sacrifice Patrick and I's friendship to be freed from it. Because I guess initially I thought, well, if I tell Patrick then he won't be surprised if I suddenly start talking to him... but in reality I really should have known that no, you actually won't, so why are you telling Patrick? What good can come of that?

I have no good answer. Patrick and I will no longer be communicating. There's no bitter feelings there, necessarily  even if I'm sure he's not too fond of me. But the crush is now relieved because I feel like there's now NO chance there versus before when I was thinking, "Okay maybe today I'll talk to him... Nope, fuck you walked by you should have said something wtf!!" No. I just want to walk, or bike home. And think about my classes and what I have planned for the evening, not if I'm going to see this person that I don't even know. Because I'm assuming now if Jed actually knew how seriously I took this stupid crush of mine he would not want anything to do with me. I doubt Patrick has even mentioned it to him. If that's true, that's probably for the best.

John R. and his girlfriend. I originally met John in a prog music station, we exchange a lot of music.

He's a veteran Dream Theater fan, too.

I talked to my friend John today about this just to get a guy's perspective on it. Last night I was able to uncover my reasoning behind why I did it when I was talking to my Mom on the phone. John told me he went through the same exact shit that I'm going through and the less I worry about it the better. He basically promised me that everything will fall into place eventually. We had a really good discussion earlier today and it's hard for me to explain just what he said. 

It's hard to entirely not give a shit about it, but I can definitely say I'm not half as worried about it when I have absolutely NO love interest versus when I have my eye/mind on someone. It distracts me from what's important; like studying, my guitar, etc... and if something's going to distract me I like to make for damn sure there's at least a chance there. And since I didn't feel there was going to be one in the circumstances involved, I had to cut things off from Patrick to stop convincing myself that I'd actually be a bad enough person to have interest in his best friend. 

It sucks, I didn't like that experience and I'm glad it's over. It's probably better that I did that now than later... At least I feel more at peace now that I don't have to worry about it. 

peace. 

What implications can you draw from staring....

Nope. I made it a point today not to feel hopeless about my classes and try not to get too frustrated if I don't fully understand the material. That's why I'm at school, to learn, make mistakes, etc. I just try to be really ahead of my game all the time, study extremely hard and try to get the best grades possible so it disappoints me when I don't quickly absorb the material.

I didn't study last Wednesday but I feel I should today. There's some important dates that I need to clarify. I will also write it on my sticky note and start setting goals accordingly. I didn't have my planner with me in class today so I had to write some important date/times on slips of paper in my binder. Never a good plan. You might think all of this is excessive. It's just necessary when you have to remember so many things in three relatively difficult classes. This is certainly the most difficult quarter I've ever taken, much harder than anything I encountered at CBC.



Important Dates:

Pre-Calc Test 1, Friday Oct. 5 

Accounting Test 1, Ch. 1, 2, 3, 5 (I'll figure out later chapters later) Oct 15. 10:00-12:40

Legal Exam 1, 10/24, covering ALL of chapters 1-10. T_T

All of these tests are going to be a huge challenge, and will require hours and hours of study. I've got to stay focused and oriented, and cannot lose faith when I don't understand something in class. It's so hard to get on top of things but it's the greatest satisfaction to me to actually get the material when I need to.

I cannot put my accounting homework off like I did today. I actually didn't get the assignment done and Burnadette and I could collaborate so our whole group wasn't able to work together. Natasha and I were sort of fumbling through 3-26 today because neither of us could figure out how to calculate certain costs. I am going to re-read that chapter tonight and try to figure out what I was unable to do today.

So yeah, a little stressed is an understatement.

I don't want you guys to think I'm miserable here or anything, actually I'm starting to get a lot more comfortable and I'm having more fun in my routines than ever before. I feel like in college I can really take all that goal setting and time management stuff that I learned from Jacob and PillaiCenter and apply it to my everyday life. I'm in complete control of how I spend my time here, and since it's up to me I'm going to spend my time as productively as I can. Because for me, going out and finding other things to do would be a waste of time.

Really the only thing that could pull me away from my routines, I've found, is some sort of love interest. Because of course I schedule friends into my time, no problem, just whenever she has time.. But when you're talking to someone in *that* manner their life sort of becomes your life and visa-versa, you become more intertwined in each other's whereabouts and are unable to have your own experience. That's why I felt so relieved a couple days ago after parting with Jason.

 Literally the sadness I felt was momentarily. I was shocked and sad to read the words, but the sadness dissolved so quickly. I thought I at least had minor feelings but I guess not. Maybe I just really liked his company. I will always have respect towards Jason and he came at the right time. I was feeling pretty lonely this summer, and he was SO good about texting me on a regular basis, our skype conversations could get pretty funny too. We didn't really click personality wise but it was fun to like eachother when I was lonely and sort of needed that gratification.

I've decided I will only post a status on facebook once every two days instead of one, now. Facebook can irritate me because I'm always feeling compelled to write some clever observation of something in my life from a day to day basis. I think that'll be better left to once every two days. Facebook is overrated and getting boring, anyway.

There's some football players outside yelling nonsense. They seem like the audience Red Baron was trying to reach when they designed what I just had for dinner, "Feasts for One".

Freezer pizza is a nutrition nightmare-- you've got trans fats, cholesterol, incredible amount of sodium and preservatives, the works... But damn, these things are actually pretty delicious. I originally bought one at Bargain Market on my first shopping trip. They had like 40 of them for $1.99 on a shelf so I figured why the Hell not, get some douchebag pizza. It was so good I bought it a second time when my parents took me to Safeway to stock up.

My phone's off. That sucks. But everything's good.

Oh, interesting little tidbits that could be absolutely nothing. There's a girl in my accounting class that a couple days ago I made solid eye contact with while standing in line to turn in an assignment (Monday). I looked away, then looked back and caught her staring at me a second time. I sort of grinned, she grinned slightly and it was my turn in line so I turned away.

 This girl sits behind me. At the end of class when Holtfelter took role a second time she said, "Last in line?" to me when I was standing there. I'm pretty sure her name had already been called. I said, "Ha, yup!" and sort of walked off. I don't know if she was trying to initiate conversation there. Today I ran a little experiment. When we turned in our assignments I walked to the same far side of the room that I did on Monday just to see if she'd do it again. I totally saw her staring at me, again.

I don't know what to make of this. She's really pretty, she's really tan, and has almost black hair. I haven't really made actual eye contact with her but I think we briefly talked on the first day. Again, could be nothing. Just random.


Another staring war happened today when I was walking back from law class. I recognized this really attractive Phillipeno guy that was a friend of Patrick's that I'd met last week. I met up with Patrick twice at his car, once when we hung out at his place and the second time that he brought me a birthday present (Very sweet of him, he got me headphones..). Both times I saw this guy but I don't know what his name is. Anyway, walking home from class today, I saw him sitting with another guy outside of Wendell (the building that's right across the street from mine). As I approached he definitely was looking at me. I was definitely looking at him back. He continued to talk to his friend. I averted by gaze but when I looked back we made eye contact a second time and I grinned with my mouth closed, he did the same back. As I walked by I wondered if I should have said something.


Good, those football players have stopped.

peace.