Feelings can be difficult.

It's been a long day. I really should be working on some math but I'm saving that until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go to math class, then spend the rest of the day preparing for my next math test on Friday. Montgomery gives us an ample amount of time to understand each concept and I appreciate that. Today I had to miss math because I was busy with accounting test preparation... yet again.

I'm lucky that both of my other classes really slowed down when this test became one of my top priorities two weeks ago. I am happy to say that's done now so that I can move on to finishing up these other two subjects strong. I have tried pretty hard in this math class, aside from the days that I probably shouldn't have skipped because I was up all night in near ecstacy the few times with Jed. Okay, I don't want to glamorize it that much... I guess you could say I was very happy to be spending time with him, and allowed myself to open up just enough to enjoy the moment before it was inevitably gone.

Subconsciously my heart is telling me that I want MORE of those moments... which I know in my mind is WRONG. He played me, TWICE. There's no forgiving him or ever being able to trust him again after that second time. That horrible week I was dealing with panic attacks.. to be honest Jed was the LAST thing on my mind, I was over him. But then all of a sudden he wanted back in.

I had talked to Ashley that day and she encouraged me to give him a second chance but warned that if he did it again, well, I guess then you know. She's right. I now know.

So thoughts of him are now pointless and burdensome. I don't want to think about him at all but somehow I still kind of keep my eye out for him when I pass his building or he comes to mind first when my phone goes off randomly. I want thoughts of him to go away... He's only brought me unnecessary pain and I hate him for it. I think he was the closest thing I've had to having any real feelings for someone since Jack... so it's hard. I cannot just pretend this is not still hard for me. At least in my blog... and the occasional facebook rant. In real life I can control exactly what I say and express to the outside world. I can act as aloof to what should be one of the most important things in a young girls life...

I'm going to save this video so I can listen to it tomorrow while I do my math. What I like about math is that I practice it and listen to videos at the same time, versus my legal homework where I really have to focus on the jargon and content. Luckily my legal class is coming somewhat easy to me now, I've really gotten the hang of these contract laws. 

Metiner said today that I presented the BEST case description that he's heard all quarter. Wow, I'm so honored.... I cannot even describe to you guys how proud of myself I am about this. I am so incredibly happy to have just remembered that. What a shame to have ended this day thinking about what doesn't really matter when I had something extraordinarily fulfilling occur. 

peace.

Trying to get back to normal.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!


It's nice to be home... much, much less stress, anxiety, etc...

My Mom has has helped me out immensely by taking me to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed me Lorazapam. I now have something to take if I'm on the verge of having a panic attack but it makes me feel a little strange so I don't intend taking these very often. It's just a matter of not thinking about this and moving forward...

Today I'm planning on spending the whole day on the computer, playing my guitar and hanging out with my awesome family... And Jimmy.

Last night I went over to Samantha's house and immediately came out to her about the difficulties I've been having with my panic attacks. I was feeling very weird and unable to relax. Samantha is very understanding of what I've been going through and I know that she will be there for me no matter what. I talked to Shawn about learning to relax and he said, "I just don't care. There's no use in getting all worked up about something you can't control..." That's very true, that's what most people say, it's always just been hard for me to live and let live...

There are many underlying factors that led to this panic. Being worried about school, feeling isolated at Central, Jed telling me he liked me again and building hope about it then shortly being let down afterward...Just a number of things, more than anything though it was the panic of having another panic attack after my initial one back a few weeks ago.

So my biggest challenge is just to not think about it at all. Now that I know that there's nothing physically wrong with me (I went to the doctor's office and had a physical, everything looks very normal) there's no reason for me to worry. It's all just in my head. I just have to keep breathing... and stop thinking about breathing.

When I told Shawn about my almost near constant fear that it felt like my throat was closing up he told me, "Well it won't... Your throat won't do that." Logically I know that it won't, but that's always where I can feel the panic start. Then it moves to my chest.

I went over to Katelynn's house after Samantha's, and when I got there I took my 3rd Lorazapam half for the day. We smoked a little and it made me feel a LOT better. Smoking always helps me put things into perspective and calm me down, but the stuff that I was smoking before was too potent and made me feel even more paranoid then before.

So yes, very good visit with Katelynn, I always sleep extremely well on that mattress that she pulls out in the living room. Her and Alan are planning to move to different apartments over in Richland-- pretty close to Shawn and Sam, actually. That will be very nice.

I'm feel calm today. This has been a difficult few days with this panic issue but it's slowly resolving itself back into normalcy.

peace. 

5 more days of naked skin.

Even if it's only 10:15 AM I'm going to write.

Nothing out of the ordinary will happen today. My to-do list for the day is:
1. Read the last legal chapter.
2. Math- 30 minutes of studying..
3. >90 minutes of guitar
4. Couple problems from accounting assignment.

Last night I started the Chapter 15 assignment and got a couple out of the way. God, I've been trying to practice these flash card but these formulas are very difficult to remember. So I'm sure I'll spend about an hour and a half-two hours on accounting today. I actually need to give some TLC to my other classes though because I've been slacking in law. I've got my LAST Cengage assignment to do today, as well as print the study guide. 

God, Jessika posted something just rude as Hell as her status yesterday. I'll post it:
I no longer congratulate anyone who gets engaged..instead i say good luck? no seriously. you need it

I'm like, haha okay jealous much? I honestly don't know many people that can act as repulsive as she does. It's like, yeah I'm sure your friends that have recently gotten engaged really appreciate your blessing, hahaha. 

A lot of people might wonder why I leave Jessika on my friends list if I "don't like her." Though I can honestly say I would never spend time with her again, I won't say I don't like her. I neither like or dislike her. But she is an inspiration for me. She's a "friendemy," the type of person that would take pleasure in seeing me fail... 

Which is just another reason I work as hard as I do. Sometimes when I absolutely do NOT feel like studying, I'll go onto the profiles of my "friendemys" and see what they've been up too or look at their photo. Typically doing so inspires me to study. So I'm actually thankful for Jessika, having had her in my life I now have one more reason to succeed. 

So for this reason, my few friendemys hold as much importance to me as my everyday friends/acquaintances. Jessika stopped being my friend (though we were never close) about the time I started getting good at guitar. She couldn't take that I had self confidence. Damn right. :)

...Because I do have confidence, regardless of the shit I've dealt with in trying to find a working relationship. It's sad to say I've always wanted one these past two years and I've just been mixed up with the WRONG men... Almost all of which I now realize are WAY below my league. Creepy mother fuckers that took advantage of my insecurities in 2011. Not anymore. 


Since the beginning of 2012 the guys that I've liked have been a BIG change from 2011 standards wise. I mean the guys that I've liked this year just haven't worked out because either A) I was leaving (like Josh K.), or B) Our personalities didn't "click.." (like Jason T.) or C) They're indecisive morons (like Jack O. or most recently this guy Jed...) God, the J names, hahahaha..

So that's actually an improvement from 2011. I know in my heart things will get better eventually. It's a matter of finding a guy who's good enough for me now. Not many guys can deal with having a girlfriend who's as independent as I am. It intimidates them. 

I don't care. All I know is I love who I am and what I've become with music...

This tattoo is going to be a declaration of that. Sometimes I don't even believe that I do play. Like I'll practice and even if it sounds awesome it's like I don't give myself the credit that "Yes, this is ME playing this..." Now that I'm getting into more improvisation I will be able to give myself more credit as a musician. It's something that will give me a daily reminder that..

This is who I am. In less than a year I can't believe how far I've come, and sometimes I think how fast it's happened is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time believing it. 

I believe I was blessed with much of the same makeup as my Grandpa Dennis Brown's brain. He played  guitar as well, and according to my Grandma's friend Mark he learned extremely quickly... just like me! He also loved history, knew an insane amount of information that's... sometimes not entirely relevant to everyday life but he still took the time to learn it. Again, that's just like me. 

He lived stoned. He had panic attacks. He was loved by many. He was Jewish. I miss and think about him almost every day and it makes me tear up just thinking about him now because he's given me so much in life. Even if he passed away when I was in the 5th grade, I feel like he's living on with me in spirit.

When I have trouble sometimes I will pray and ask my ancestors to tell me the right answers to my problems and give me guidance via intuition. Sometimes I will meditate, focusing my mind on the brain stem and my opening heart chakra. 

I will visualize my problems-- whether it's with guys, anxiety, whatever, then by opening my heart chakra I'm submitting myself to God and my ancestors to give me answers to these problems. Usually when I come out of meditation I know the right answer. So I believe in my heart that I am loved in alternate dimensions and that the spirits of those that have lived before me have given me an opportunity to live this life and they are willing to give me the answers if I ask. 

November was the month that my Grandpa passed away so this time of year can be very hard but spiritually I feel quite at peace. 

peace. 

Why I trust NO man, I call bullshit. Endless bullshit.

Well, Jed screwed me over again. I'll explain in a minute, let me say the good things first....

 Here it is 7:35 PM. I'm lucky things don't bother me much because I've gotten almost everything I've needed to do done today. I'm super relieved right now because I originally thought my Chapter 15 test was scheduled for THIS Wednesday (when my appointment is scheduled) when it's actually on the 28th. Excellent, I have plenty of time to study for that test. Today I studied Chapter 15 for a solid hour and I intend to do another hour later. I've got NOTHING planned this weekend so all I have to do is study, relax and try to be happy on my lonesome once again... Fine with me, the stress from this previous week with this Jared-Jed situation has driven me close to the edge.

After my massive panic attack and talking to Ashley last night I texted to Jared to cut that off. I just basically told him I couldn't handle the stress of the situation, which is very true... I don't think I would have ever felt completely satisfied with Jared, at least not now-- maybe if he grew up a little bit. The age and maturity difference was just too much, even if it's just two years. I'm an extremely mature, intelligent 21 year old. Jared is an average, happy go lucky 19 year old. It just wouldn't have worked... He'll be fine, I'm having a feeling he's already pretty much forgotten about it and he's out having fun somewhere right now.

Jed though... Good God, today he made me break down into tears and almost have a panic attack because of his cruel way of treating me.

Yeah, I don't think I like this guy at all anymore... He still hasn't even added me to his f*cking facebook, like who the Hell does he think he is?

Let me re-hash what happened when he came over the other night. Nothing. We just sat together in my room, talked... He told me he was interested in starting where we had left off previously, I almost immediately forgave him for the previous experience and was happy he did.

This morning I sent him some message saying how hard it was to not kiss him, just something cute.. He responded "Lol well to be honest I think it's better if we just stay friends ya know. No drama or anything."

I'm like... Wow, what the Fuck, YOU initiated this... I just responded, "..So we're not going to spend time together then?" then "Ugh, again I wasn't expecting any relationship, I don't know if that means we'd be spending time together or what." No response...

I called my mom and cried, and she helped me realize this:
"And what drama are you referring too? Or imply will go on? I only recall you coming over here and pursuing me asking to puck up where we'd left off and now you're telling me there's drama? Like what's your deal. Lol I've been totally straight up with you and completely mellow, there must be some drama I'm not aware of."

The best response Jed could come up with was "Well you told me you got depressed after the whole thing ya know. Just want to avoid that."

I wrote, "Lol I think it's normal to be a little sad when someone you liked cuts off, but I was over it in a couple days and forgot about it. Yeah, I was sort of excited last night when you told me you potentially wanted to pick up like they were before; like cool I would like to continue to spend time with you... But now it seems you've changed your mind which makes me irritated because you're being indecisive and selfish. I don't know what you want, I just do my own thing, I happen to like you. You were the one that came back into my life and I'm confused now as to why.."

He didn't even have the courtesy to reply.

Whatever he told me today was absolute bullshit. The reason he's cutting off, or trying to, has nothing to do with MY emotions. He either found some other girl, or not... Seriously I don't even give a shit anymore. I think the messages that I sent him put him in his place. He probably has no excuse for his bullshit behavior now and is just choosing not to reply and in hopes I'll just go away again.

Well your wish is granted! If you don't want me you're not worth my time.


This weekend when I go home I'm going to get so many things taken care of that will further improve my quality of life. My parents are so, so good to me... I talked to my Dad on the phone today and he encouraged me on my accounting exam and told me that the answers to the formulas are always in what you're trying to find. He actually has a point, the more I conceptualize the easier it becomes. Even he understands this bullshit that I've been going through with men and has even shown some sympathy about it... My mom of course was there to help me today when I called, too.

I'm just so excited to go home...

What's going on this weekend: 

-Dermatologist appointment to get Differin on Wednesday at 8:00. 
My skin has cleared up quite a bit but I still break out and Differin will prevent that from happening at all. It will get me completely in control of my acne, which means I will get to spend less money on makeup. 

-Walk in doctor visit on Friday before my tattoo appointment (or after) to get perscribed Xanex. 
This will help my panic attacks. I talked to Ashley about it and she thinks it's a really good idea, as does my Mom and my Grandma Fran. Speaking of which I should probably stop over Thanksgiving to visit with Grandma, I don't know if that could create some potential hot water about my family eating at home... Or not, I don't think it could hurt. 

-Tattoo at Parkway on Friday @ 2:30
This is BIG, BIG, BIG... I can't believe it's finally coming! The only thing I'll have to figure out is the size that I want it. I'm sure we'll be able to figure that out at the tattoo shop. I'm thinking it's going to be about the height of a cigarette lighter, maybe a little bigger. I want it to be perfectly proportioned of course and in the perfect center of my neck. Location is of course crucial as well, God forbid it should be off center and have it drive me crazy... I shouldn't worry, these guys are professionals and they're going to do a beautiful job. And I'm going to love it and it's going to help me self esteem even more I believe. 

I'm now going to have a distinguished symbol that identifies me as a musician... Maybe if I have it long enough I'll start to believe that I am a musician from inside my soul. Sometimes I don't even know if I am... I sometimes find it hard to believe how skilled I've become at the guitar and it can only go up from here. 

-Seeing Katelynn on Friday.

-Seeing Samantha. 
I need to figure out what her work schedule is...

So I'm quite excited for this weekend. After this pain with Jed and panic attacks this week I want to be around the people I love more than anything....

peace.

Why are you trying to come around again..?

Jed texted me. Apparently things with this other girl didn't work out. Big shocker.

He asked me if I wanted to hang out tonight and initially I was very torn between if I wanted to or not. But then I thought, why not? He already made up his mind that he doesn't want any kind of relationship so that shouldn't be a threat to whatever Jared and I have going... if anything at all. He actually didn't talk to me all day so I'm kind of wondering if he's even interested. Jared and I had a really nice time yesterday though so I do not want to potentially ruin those chances by pursuing something with Jed when Jed doesn't even want an actual relationship.

We ended up hanging out, listening to music, whatever.. You know the usual that I would do with any of my friends. Because of the way that he's treated me in the past he is nothing more than a friend to me. Technically Jared is currently in the same boat, though from what I've seen it's leaning more in a direction where we could potentially end up dating if I get to know him more and we end up deciding that. I just don't know, there's still a major chance that things wouldn't work out with Jared either, I barely know him but he has my interest currently so it was weird when Jed suddenly wanted to jump back into my life.

Because I feel kind of betrayed by Jed. I feel like if I were to get back to what we were doing before I would start to get emotionally involved again when that involvement leads nowhere. With Jared he hasn't given any indication that what we're doing now couldn't potentially lead to us dating but Jed's already made it clear to me that he's not looking for anything... So what's he doing trying to come back around again?

I think I made it clear to Jed tonight that if he ever wanted to regain my trust again he would have to work harder than the next person... I cannot afford to get hurt again and if someone wants to be with me they need to put in some effort to show that they're genuinely into me as person or it's no cigar. I'm not going to deal with bullshit any longer.

I studied a bit today, not too much.. I'm starting to get the hang of identifying relevant costs.

Tomorrow I've got accounting. We're gonna be starting on Chapter 15. I should have probably read that this weekend. Maybe I'll make a goal to read that tomorrow before my class, just to get ahead of the ball because I know he's going to lecture on it. I slacked today, just a bit.

peace. 

Is having someone to cuddle with sooo much to ask? haha

Just got done with my 3rd math test about an hour ago.

It went okay, I'll probably get another B-/C, I know I did some of them right but I totally goofed on the interest problems on the back. Ironically enough that was the one thing I was supposed to learn from this course but I kept on screwing up the calculations somehow. Oh well, he knows I tried. I actually came in this morning to ask him about it but he told me I'd get some of the points if I'm just able to write the values into the formula pretty much. I'm not too worried about it.

I'm making a grilled chicken thigh with sweet potato fries right now. It's only 10:00 AM but I almost always make myself some sort of brunch meal. I'll get up in the morning, usually not have time to make myself a healthy breakfast, then come home from my math class pretty hungry.

This makes me realize that for next quarter on Mondays-Wednesdays when I have my three classes in a row from 8:00-11 AM I need to be more proactive about getting up earlier to fix myself something or have a WHOLE bowl of cereal. Usually in the morning if I try preparing myself something I don't finish the whole thing because of both lack of appetite and time constraint.

I've found "Mexican Eggs," or my version of it.. to be a total Godsend energy wise. I'll post a picture and a recipe next time I make it. Maybe I will tomorrow. I need to buy more tortillas. Better add that to my list of things I gotta buy on my next shopping trip...

Today is kind of one of those lonely days. It'll feel a lot better once I have my guitar lesson with Jacob, which is today at 5:30 PM so I'm stupid f*ing stoked to practice all day and just enjoy my time. I plan on watching nostalgic youtube videos, try to run though to scales, work on my pieces... It's going to be SUCH a nice day off today. Okay maybe it's not a lonely day after all! Ha ha see how that works?

I do miss my cat though. She's back home, earlier I wanted to cuddle up and go back to bed after that test but now that I smell lunch cooking and remembered that I've got ALL day to practice just made me feel energized. 

Once I started thinking about cuddling with Miranda I thought, 'Well shit it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with in general...' I think that was one of the main things I was excited about with Jed was having someone to wake up to occasionally. Most people don't mind sleeping alone; I certainly don't mind sleeping alone.. I mean I have my whole life so it's not like I can complain! But when Winter comes its like ugggh... it's cold. It's always been a lot easier because I had Miranda on my bed every night. 

But alas! Jed more than likely woke up next to some other girl today! Some magical girl that just realized she really should have loved Jed all along and when they drunkenly reunited at that party everything became so much clearer. That's beautiful, they're SO cute and I'm SOOOO happy for them! 

It's scenarios like this that make me feel very numb inside. I remember thinking the other day, "If I met my 16 year old self, what would she think of me..." Well I know my sixteen year old self would be extremely impressed with what I've become. When I was sixteen I wished I could play the guitar but could never do it because I never had direction with crappy instructors like Mr. Neilson. I was pretty self conscious back then so I think I would be happy to see how much confidence I've gained and how easy it's become for me to meet people. 

I don't know if meeting people was necessarily the issue when I was 16... It was more of a lack of self worth at the time. That's back when I was dating Connor and had the only relationship I've ever been able to truly enjoy. I think my sixteen year old self would be really disappointed that things never got better after Connor. I'd tell myself that things just got worse... and worse... until January 2012 when I finally just said fuck it, men just need to get the fuck away from me. 

I was so full of love and genuine emotion when I was sixteen. I feel in some ways I've grown numb and cold towards those emotions since that time. I don't even allow myself to have crushes anymore because feel that person is just going to leave me... And trying to suppress it when I actually DO have feelings for that person and they continue to be in my life leaves me much more stressed out and than happy. 

Like when I was with Jed... I kept everything super casual, I tried not to flirt hardly at all because God forbid I should indicate I wanted a relationship. I was confident, which is sexy... There was nothing I could have done differently. Yet he still disappeared, and the week prior to him doing it I was crying all the time because I knew it was coming based on the fact that he hadn't texted me hardly at all. I just know the signs.. Plus I got a feeling the moment he'd left that morning. 

So it's a good thing I didn't allow myself to get too attached. That night when we were laying together, just momentarily I was laying against his side with his arm around me and I thought to myself, "Man... this is nice..." I took a second to really enjoy the moment because subconsciously I just knew this wouldn't last like everything else. 

..I remember I'd gotten up early to go to Math class and came back and he was still in my bed sleeping. He indicated that he wanted me to come lay back down but I didn't let myself even if I'd wanted too. I wanted to indicate that I'm not a lazy person, once I am up for the day I don't go back to bed. That and I could just tell by his body language that it would be my last time seeing him. 

Hoping my intuition wasn't true, I figured it'd be a cute gesture to make some pancakes for us for breakfast. I started making them and shortly after he practically bolted out the door to meet up with some friend.... So there I was in my kitchen staring at this bowl of pancake mix for two people with nothing to do with it. I ended up making two BIG, 10 inch pancakes, dumping a bunch of strawberries/sugar, and whipped cream on top and scarfing it myself. I just didn't give a f*ck. 

We really didn't talk for the whole next week. I thought about him quite a bit but didn't text him because he wasn't texting me first at all. I was just getting sick of the whole thing, tired of not knowing how he felt about me, knowing this probably wasn't going anywhere and it was just a matter of time before I wouldn't be able to spend time with him anymore... And look what happened! Exactly what I predicted! 

So to those of you that think being pretty makes a significant difference on the amount of bullshit girls have to go through you're wrong. In fact to be honest with you if you're pretty you're worse off in your early 20's because most of the guys in your dating pool are just trying to have sex with as many girls as they can. 

Disgusting.

Which is why I am numb, and probably will be for a very long time. 

I don't even give a shit anymore you guys, seriously. I'm perfectly fine without someone, it's just frustrating this time of year to feel alone and cold. But to say "Alone" for me is comical because I have such an incredible network of people that I talk to... it's just, there's always something missing in *that* regard. But because my life has improved immensely over the past year I can't complain too much. I just gotta continue to deal with it and not allow more Jed's to come into my life. 

It's just not worth it, the stress of liking someone is way worse than the numbness of not liking anyone. 

peace. 

I was hoping this would have a happy ending but it's over.

It's over...

I was hoping this would have a happy ending, but no, that's the end of Jed. I texted him this morning asking him if he would like to hang out at some time today and he told me, "Uhm so I started seeing this girl, an old friend of mine, hope this won't make things awkward between us."

...What? Wow. That's his decision. All I could say was that okay... Like have a nice life. If we pass eachother I'll give him a closed mouth smile if we make eye contact and keep walking as if we were complete strangers again. Note that he's seeing this girl after he told me he doesn't want a relationship, which is the really painful part. I almost wish he hadn't have told me he was seeing someone else.

I'm okay though, as I've said before, either these things work out or they don't. In this case, I really liked him but apparently he felt more strongly for this other girl so he's making that choice. There's nothing I can do about it so I just have to accept it and move on.

It's just depressing, as always. I'm starting to feel like I'm over it, I have a way of blocking out things like this very quickly. He probably wasn't perfect for me anyway. If he was I'd probably be a lot more sad than I am right now. I mean I've cried off and on today, but honestly my crying isn't for Jed.

It's more just crying because I didn't get a chance.. I no longer allow myself to develop feelings for people to the degree that I would cry simply because I'd want them back. I'll forget about Jed himself in no time, now that he's cut off he's completely insignificant in my life. That is relaxing because I don't have to worry about if I'm talking to him or not.

The tears are from loneliness. My heart feeling more and more numb as time has passed. I've truly learned to love myself in all of this because I've held myself together in my own circumstances to the outside world much better than I ever would have envisioned. I think of how I'd let the depression from loneliness get to me a year ago where I'd make the dumbest decisions, but now that I'm almost two years in I've learned to cope with it.

Well Katelynn just called! I already had the brunt of the emotions earlier today so I'm actually feeling a little better... This will help too.

peace. 

Just pushing forward.

Well today's been pretty good, academically that is. I think I did well on my Legal midterm.

I am a little frustrated with myself at the moment though. I texted Jed earlier and he did reply but our conversation ended on sort of an awkward note when I told him I'm never really on the loop with parties. He'd told me he partied this weekend. I made myself look like a hermit. Excellent.

But it really isn't *that* far from the truth. It's always been true that I would much rather hang out with just one or two people then a huge group of people. Actually to be honest hanging out with two people even makes me feel awkward if I'm the one that's hosting. I don't mind groups that much when I'm not hosting, like I am friendly enough that it's not bad.. But when I'm the host of a large group of people (like that party I had, for instance), I was completely unable to relax.... then by 12:00 I literally wanted the party to be over and everyone to go home.

Little embarrassing, but hey, everyone had a good time... Except Jessika, who left after acting completely ridiculous and making faces at everyone.

No panic attack today, which is good because I would have been especially nervous if I had one today... My chest has still been bothering me but now it's mainly just my sternum instead of my breasts. This stress has sucked but believe it or not I've been doing really well on my schoolwork. I'm beginning to think my source of stress is more due to Jed, the fact that I didn't do anything for halloween, feeling slightly socially isolated, being sick... A lot of things.

Russell Alan of Symphony X. 

I had felt some major stress in my accounting class today that nearly led to a panic attack. Walking home I turned on "Heretic" and the beginning guitar riff shot straight into my soul. I felt so relieved of all the tension I'd been feeling earlier in the day. 

Metal helps me so much. Due to my chest pains I haven't been practicing as much as I really should. This week I only practiced about an hour a day and barely did much as far as new material goes. I've just been working on Sultans and Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid but I haven't been playing with the guitar pro program so I'm not making as much progress as I probably could be. Most of the time I don't want to play with the program, though, because I'd rather watch TV and chill out.

I'm just tired.... I'm not going to text Jed saying goodnight or anything. He's busy with homework anyway and probably doesn't want to be bothered by me. I'd really like to someday like a guy that I don't feel like I'm bothering. He was out partying all weekend.... Having a great fucking time. I hate partying. I hate shots and slutty girls. I hate hookups, beer, all of it. I want to stay as far away from it as possible because all it does is drag me into that hole of hopelessness. Because nothing good comes out of hookups, yet I'm convinced that's what almost all guys my age want so it's sort of a hopeless effort for me to try to make anything work.

I just sort of wait patiently for things to change. It bothers me lately especially because I've felt a bit of weakness and would really just like to have someone there. I think this thing with Jed has also been hard because been trying to hold up this wall I have against having emotions toward someone... I just don't want to get hurt again, and because I feel myself really getting to like this one and knowing he doesn't want a relationship makes me feel insecure about what I say... Like I feel like if I somehow were to "Suggest" something he would take it the wrong way and never see me again. I'm sick of it, everything else in my life is going perfect in regards to everything I'd always imagined so why can't I just be happy, relax and let things come as they will...

Because life has never been like that for me.

peace. 

So I met Jed. : )

Stoked is probably an understatement. Yes that's Jed, in my room, with my guitar. Score.

A couple days ago Burnadette, her roommate and I went to Fred Meyers and they helped me pick out some groceries. Burnadette has been excellent in offering me advice concerning being overwhelmed with school and my poor eating habits...

Anyway when we got back to my apartment complex with the groceries there was some "block party" thing going on. There were a few stands, 88.1 was there playing music and there were some clubs advertising. I spotted Jed and we made eye contact, but of course I was really nervous to talk to him even though I knew that this was my chance. He was standing with the filipeno club at a stand, it was really cold out. 

I had walked back and forth between my apartment and my car a couple times to get the groceries out of my car and stood in my living room for a minute wondering if I should go out there and talk to him. I figured now was a better time than ever because it's a public event so I went back out and started checking out each of the booths. All of the booths were for ethnic clubs, none of which was particularly interested in but hey... free candy. 

When I got to Jed's booth he asked, "So are you just white or what?" I sort of cracked up, asking him some random questions about the club but not really listening to his responses on it, I was more concerned with how I was going to get his number. I told him I'd just moved into Central and didn't know very many people so he offered to swap numbers with me. Score. 

We were texting that evening for about an hour before he asked what I was up to that night. I didn't really have other plans, a friend of mine had sort of flaked out so I didn't mind putting that off. He told me he played the guitar too and I told him I had a guitar he could use. 

He busted in; he didn't even knock, like suddenly I turned around and he was in my room. We hit it off pretty quickly, he seems to have the same sort of sense of humor that I do. I showed him the Hollywood Complex and he thought was brilliant so that was an immediate plus. 

He was also of course very impressed by my guitar skills. He plays well but he's self taught so of course he was very interested in my methods. I found it very difficult to explain anything to him, his eyes are beautiful. 

His friend came over around 10:30 PM. Jed had been getting a ton of texts/calls since he'd got to my place so you can tell he's got a lot of friends; I like that.. But obviously unlike Jack he'd actually be willing to get away from his friends for two seconds to spend time with me, which is another plus. Anyway, Jed's friend (shown right in the picture above) showed up and we left to get some taco bell and--  I didn't really know what else the plan was, I was just along for the ride. We ended up just coming back to my apartment after getting food. I ordered a Cantina bowl, ate about three bites of it and tossed it. Taco Bell just wasn't good that night for some reason. 

After his friend left Jed and I hit it off pretty well, I got to know him a little bit better as the night went on. I'll write some of what he told me here so I can keep the details straight. 

Jed's 22, gonna turn 23 in January. He was just in a 1 year 2 month relationship that he just ended a couple months ago with some girl that he didn't really like so he's telling me that he wants to bh e single for awhile. He's full filipeno, his Mom moved over here to be with his Dad when he was ten (technically stepdad). He didn't know any English. He's an electrical engineering major, he's in his last year at Central. I don't know if he has any siblings. I also know that he's taking linear algebra this quarter and I'm wondering if he's taking it with Jason T. 

Ha ha, he came over this morning too and crashed on my couch...

I try not to get too excited about these sort of things. I've really learned to just go with the flow and not expect anything from this aspect of my life but even if that was the last time I see him (which I doubt, but you just never know..) I'm still stoked I got to meet him and hang out a couple times. It's a start. I definitely like him so I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes, if anywhere. 

What's really funny about all this is that he's actually had his eye on me for awhile too, so during that time that I was crushing on "a complete stranger" he was doing the same back-- that's never happened to me before. 

In other news I went to lunch with Reina on Friday. We went to Kiku-chan for sushi and Reina laughed at me because I dumped a bunch of sugar in my green tea. She's like "What are you doing?!" I guess Japanese people don't do that! Strange, I always thought green tea was too bitter without it. 

I gotta get some study done... I've been breaking my accounting study sessions in 45 minute periods which has been helping me retain the information a little better. I'm in Benton city right now, I came back to see Katelynn but also got a chance to see my sister go off to homecoming with Jimmy, Denae, Cora M., and their dates. Denae's younger sister was with them too but she didn't seem too happy to be there. 

My sister of course looked fabulous but she was being a complete brat. She always acts humiliated by me and it pisses me off at times but what's new. 

peace.