Never been so out of my mind.

Me using a tequila bottle as a meat cleaver. Michael came over and I made Parmesan chicken the other night. As you can see, though these bottles do have uses I have decided to discard them.

Evening.

Can't believe the last time I wrote was Tuesday, this week flew by. I've got a lot to say. This is the first time in awhile I can remember being too embarrassed to call my parents because of my actions. I've decided to really refrain from drinking from now on. This past week I've been taking a couple shots in the evening to both cure boredom and hide my feelings about the "Terry-having-a-girlfriend" situation (ha ha, I don't know why that's in quotes, can't get much more obvious than that.). I thought I could handle alcohol in my system but yesterday I realized I'm much more of a lightweight than I'd realized.

I got invited over by my Kenyan neighbors Joseph and Irene. It was super nice to see them and we had a great time talking and hanging out. I'd mentioned that I had a sink full of dishes and I had to get home to clean and Joseph offered me a shot of alcohol. Granted it was like 2 pm but it's also a saturday without a huge amount of homework so I said sure, what the hey... I was having a great time, eating chicken, whatever.

I don't know what proof that whiskey was but after taking just two shots of it I was drunk. Definately the drunkest I've ever been in my life. I don't even remember walking in the door to my apartment and putting the bowl of chicken in the fridge but I do remember going upstairs and falling on the floor, then puking all over my hair. I laid there for a second like "auuugh!!" and rolled over to clean up the mess. 

I then got in the shower to clean the puke out of my hair. I'm assuming I had eyemakeup everywhere and I don't remember washing my face. I dried myself off and did the weirdest thing... I put on just leggings and the wrestling tshirt I bought from Troy C. backwards. I went downstairs and took a Brokaid hoping it would somehow keep me awake to clean but I pretty much  passed out on the couch. Again this was at like 3 or 4 and my parents were planning to come that evening. My sink was still full of dirty dishes. 

When they came in and I woke up almost in a panic. I was super drunk and wanted to go back to sleep but the effects of the Bronkaid were also going through my system and making me feel wired and dizzy. My parents were like "What are you on?" I didn't mention the Bronkaid, I just said I'd drank with my neighbors and felt really, really sick. I was acting really paranoid and crazy. They dropped off some money and left shortly after (this was like 6:30 pm) and I overheard my dad say "Wow I was not expecting that" on his way out. 

I can't remember the last time I've felt so ashamed. I ended up sleeping until about 9:45 pm before I was able to sober enough to get online. Michael and I talked about what had happened and he's encouraging me in my plan to stop drinking entirely, or at least keep alcohol out of my house so that I don't feel tempted to drink when I'm bored in the evenings. 

I'm sure as Hell not drinking hard alcohol at Radcon either. In some sense I'm glad this happened because I was able to experience being practically incoherent drunk but in the safety of my own home instead of somewhere where someone could hurt me. *Quiver....* \

By the way in writing this I want in no way for there to be bad light shed on my neighbors. I was warned it was good and that I might not be able to study for a few hours but I overestimated my tolerance for such a high proof product. 

Oh well I lived to tell the tale, learned my lesson and can move forward with a healthier lifestyle. I still am not looking forward to re-discussing this situation with my parents what so ever and do not intend to call until a few days have passed and it seems like a distant memory. 

So for the rest of the evening I'll be going to the library to read my macro book and work on homework. I applied for an internship in Spokane for the summer that appears to fit my qualifications very well. I looked at the Batelle internships and most of them are for doing technical support for their information systems. My GPA isn't high enough to qualify for their statistical data analysis gig which sounded kind of cool but fine. I've worked my a** off for this 3.177 GPA and if it doesn't suit your standards I'll take my services elsewhere. 

peace. 

My first panic attack

There are some people that I hold in very high regard in my life. People that if throughout life they're ever in trouble they can come to me for help and I'd help them hands down because of how much they've helped me at this stage of my life.

Ashley B. is one of those people.

Yesterday was normal for the most part. I'd studied my accounting for an hour first thing in the morning after doing my laundry and was unable to fully comprehend the material. It was frustrating so I put it aside after doing about four exercises. Figured I'd do the other four today which is something I have to get done here after I finish this entry.

I came back to my room to start studying for my midterm. I continued to feel pain in my chest from the past few days. The pain was scaring me now and I made the mistake of beginning to research it. I stopped myself after about 5 minutes, I told myself, "Stop, you know this isn't going to help.. There's nothing wrong with you.." But I still wanted to talk to my mom to help calm me down. I called my parents, neither of them picked up. Then I tried my sister and she hung up on me. The feeling of isolation made me feel creeped out, so I went on facebook for awhile and tried to relax.

It wasn't working... My hands were getting sweaty, I felt dizzy, I felt like I could barely breath. I then began going through my phone contacts looking for someone to call. I first called Katelynn, then Samantha but neither of them picked up so I decided to call Ashley B. She's always been extremely understanding of people's problems; she went to an oppressive Catholic school and dealt with bullying growing up so she knows and understands stress and depression more than most people I know.

When she picked up I immediately starting balling, saying I was extremely scared because I felt like I couldn't breath. She helped calm me down to explain that it was just a panic attack, that my symptoms are normal, and suggested some remedies to help me relax. One of which included benadryl, which I don't have any of so I ended up drinking an alka-seltzer and took a quarter supplement of Bronkaid to help clear my airways. Both of them helped quite a bit. I'm going to keep Bronkaid around for this purpose. Only taking a small amount like that did not affect my appetite or sleeping last night. I haven't been taking caffeine either.


I'd never had a panic attack before... I've been going through a really stressful time so it's understandable. Everyone that I'd called returned my call that evening, Samantha seemed really concerned but by then I just didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes talking about paranoia makes it worse. I really don't want to have a panic attack again, it seriously feels like you're having a heart attack and that you can't breath.

When I talked to my mom about it she thinks it also partially has to do with feeling stressed about not talking to Jed. As much as I don't want to admit it, it does sadden me that we haven't talked in 4 days now... I feel strangely numb about it, like I haven't let myself get attached to the point that it bothers me to a great degree but not knowing if I'm going to talk to him again makes me kind of sad.

peace. 

My emotions in a blender.

Posted a status today saying "So happy and excited today. Can't believe this is actually happening. <3"

It's not a lie, I am happy and excited. The heart is a little misleading though. I'm just stoked as Hell that I've actually gotten skilled enough at the guitar to play the Master of Puppets solo.. or at least I'm working on it-- it's definitely achievable.

Haven't heard from Jack in a week and I think it's time to call it quits again. I don't really know what fuck he's up too but he certainly doesn't care to talk to me so whatever. My mom actually had the nerve to suggest adding him on facebook last night... again!! Immediately I'm like NO. Why the fuck would I add him right now? Another day of loneliness and wondering what the Fuck, another day of the nasty feeling in my stomach and feeling my face cringe when he crosses my mind. I hate him for this shit he puts me through, this waiting game is stress and sadness that I don't need, and it never ends.

Work today was... work. Nothing really worth mentioning. Leslie and Linda were my managers today and we got a lot of stuff done, no catty bitchiness to deal with so that's good.

Took the status down. No use misleading people, what's the point. There's no need to post any status today; I usually write one a day but there's nothing clever on my mind. It's simply a depressing day. I took Bronkaid so I feel very awake and emotionally numb. I feel very humiliated for some reason. I don't know why. . . I just need to stop thinking so much about things.

Such a mix of emotions--  with the stress from work and the god damn loneliness yet happy because I'm doing well at guitar. I don't even know what to do with myself lately. At least I look nice, Witch hazel has worked wonders on the remaining acne scarring that I had on my skin. I think the acne has finally ceased, I might not even have to get another bottle of Differin for awhile.

peace/ 

57. Handling cold turkey just fine, and staying home to save money.

Maybe Bronkaid doesn't do as much for me as I thought.

Though today I was a bit lathargic, I didn't feel nearly as warn out as I thought I would. Maybe I'm not going to get the withdrawels I expected. I did wake up feeling really dizzy from a nap today, though. Yeah... I took a nap, that's a first for a long time. I think that was more due to a little bit of loneliness and knowing I wasn't really going to do anything tonight.

But that was one of my goals for today-- don't drive anywhere extra. It costs so much money to drive into town now. I hate that the gas prices keep creeping up, but at least I have a job and I'm getting good hours. I've got a lot to be thankful for.

Today overall was pretty good, I did well on my accounting quiz, got MAJOR props from Sensee today in Japanese about how well me and Hannah do with speaking, and drove Hannah back to her car after it broke down this morning. Yep, always good to help people once when I can. She really seemed to appreciate it too, she was practically freaking out when she showed up this morning telling me she almost got in a car crash this morning because of the random ice on the roads in just Pasco.

It was trippy, I was driving to school and it was totally dry and not even that cold out in Benton City and Richland, but the second I hit pasco it was just like ICE. Everywhere.

I've got some goals to get to tonight. One of which is to study for my accounting quiz tomorrow, and also get an envelope ready with some money that I'm sending this girl that is lonnng overdue. I'm doing okay, things are gonna be alright without Bronkaid.

peace.

56. My admitted addiction.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Bronkaid, my personal anti-depressent and study drug that helps me focus for hours on end (thus, the only real reason I get such good  grades) is out of stock everywhere. Apparently people are catching onto this, probably because of it's appetite surpressent properties. This stuff has been my super drug, it's completely allieviated all of the mental struggles that I was facing before, for months, and now I'm afraid it's gone. I'm scared. Scared that it's gone and scared that I'm going to have to deal with my awful lack of focus because of fucking ADHD, depression, anger problems, insomnia, amongst other things. . . I'm a very fucked up person.

For the next week I'm probably going to be cold turkey until I can get in with my doctor, and it's going to be a huge struggle. I'm going to have to take a ton of caffiene pills to stay awake in class.



This is so bad... I really want to get on something called Provigil but it's harder to get than crack. I just want to stay awake during the day and not feel constant lathargy because of my mental insomnia. Bronkaid was the solution to everything that I needed and now that I don't have it I realize how dependent I am on it to maintain this crazy lifestyle of studying for hours and hours on end.

Fuck this shit, I hate living with mental disabilities. People that don't have them don't understand what I'm going through at all. Just because I have enough ambition to do work doesn't mean I don't have to fight it on a day to day basis. I have to fight depression, I have to fight being tired all the time, I have to fight myself.

The past couple months I have felt calm, in control, focussed, and well for the most part.... Happy. Content. For the first time in my whole fucking life I've felt content and haven't had any major mental breakdowns. Now the fear and helplessness that I feel right now because I can't get Bronkaid is setting in because I've been hunting for it for days.

I guess Thanksgiving marks new beginnings. ~2~ What i'm thankful for.

See this? This is a living turkey. This is what we ate for dinner tonight. It's weird, when I think Thanksgiving turkey I don't think of what one actually looks like when it's alive. No wonder they cost a lot of money, you know how much feathers and shit someone had to peel off before it got to the grocery store? Poor turkey... And you know what's disgusting? The concept of meat itself. We eat meat because we've always eaten it, but when you think about it-- we're eating flesh!! What the hell!? When you think of the animal alive, it's so disgusting!!

I think it's time to start counting again, but this time, it's for real.

Today would be Day 2, because yesterday I made the decision to start counting again for numerous reasons. But I'm not counting down the days to leave, I'm counting up the days that I made effort to keep my mind off of unnessasary garbage. I won't explain the rules of this count in this entry, because I've done this twice previously. But third time is the charm I guess. So here it is, day 2. Day 2 of the new beginning, the new chapter.

Time flies by, doesn't it.

Today was sort of nice, very laid back. Today as everyone knows is Thanksgiving, though technically in 45 minutes or so it'll be Black Friday. I am NOT out in that mess. Not only do I not have the money to be blowing on just anything right now because of some wasted money on the internet (subscribed to a site that turned out to be totally different than what I wanted, and they charged me $17 for  the mistake. Next time, I'll read the reviews.) So in order to pay for that mistake for the next week or so I plan to not spend any money on food. My mom owes me $30, so I'll just use that for next weeks gasoline. If all goes right, I will be able to save quite well until my next paycheck. That check is going to be a pretty crummy one, so I'm thinking about asking for my schoolbooks for Christmas. There really isn't anything else on my list, I've got pretty much everything I want right here.

I guess my christmas list at this point would be this:

-One of my schoolbooks (So I don't have to buy them all)

-Those homemade wool hats that my mom is working on...

-A good webcam to use for making youtube videos.

From my friends:

-A pipe (Me and Katelynn are exchanging, so I'll be happy to get one. I'm not mentioning this to my family, haha).
-Samantha is getting me a worthy insence holder. I have one but it doesn't catch the ashes, what the hell is the point?

-Anything from Fuego-- psychadelic jewelry, accessories like hats or scarves, size large T-shirts, whatever. I like all that stuff.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's gonna be a pretty small christmas this year. I can't help but not really feel in the spirit of it. All I can think about is how much money i'm going to spend on gifts this year and how to divide it out so that it doesn't kill me all in one shot. I get paid again... I think December 1st, which is gonna be pretty crummy because not only am I not getting good hours but I keep on getting sent home early. Very annoying. Then the next one would be on the 15th. That's only two more paydays until Christmas.

So my plan is:
-On my paycheck on the 1st, I'm going to have to order Samantha's tablet. It's going to be expensive as crap, but I need to preorder it so that I make sure it gets here on time. Amazon is always super good with shipping times though. I'll also grab something for Shavonne. Not sure what yet, maybe some fabric or yarn? She likes knitting... She's always complaining about not having a sewing machine but I can't afford to help pay for something like that. Besides, shes shown no interest in what I'd like for Christmas, even if I did want a bunch of stuff.

-On the 15th I'll buy Katelynn's pipe and a gray scarf or something for my Mom. I never know what my mom wants exactly. She has a gillion scarfs but she always seems to mention wanting them. I am going to get Katharine something kind of funny, but useful (not a vibrator, god whoever is reading this is a pervert!!). I can't publish what it is on here, but I will write this hint to myself in case I forget: it's something I can buy at work. I have to reorganize them constantly.

Luckily my Dad and sister are out of the way. I should probably wrap up those gifts. I also need to clean up my room and study Japanese a bit tomorrow. This weekend has been really uneventful, I've spent almost all day today and yesterday sitting around doing nothing except playing guitar and the Sims. For the first time today I actually played along with a song, which was really exciting. I played Sonne by Rammstein. It's pretty easy but it's a start. I always start playing and feel no progression and forget about it, but this time I think I'm going to be more patient.

Vundabar means "wonderful" in German. I'm posting that as my status tonight on facebook.

Okay so, because it's thanksgiving I'm going to write what I'm thankful for.

Emily's Thankful List for 2011!!!

1. I'm thankful for Katelynn Collins, who has always been there for me in the worst and most distraut times. She's someone I truly can relate to unlike anyone else and I will love her for the rest of my life for that. I don't know what I'd do without her. My life would be so different if I would have never met her because we almost matured together in middle school and now we have similar mannerisms, it's weird! She's made me realize the importance of having a few good friends versus a shit ton of friends that you know an inch deep. She makes me laugh and I've had amazingly fun times with her. I'm thankful that she's alive, well, out of her mom's house, and that I just happened to meet her in a talent show in the 5th grade.

2. I am thankful that my parents are who they are and didn't send me to a mental institution or have me diagnosed with autism when I was a kid (I had a lot of the social tendencies..) for being socially different and having anger problems. I'm thankful also that they love me for who I am, and don't expect me to be anyone else. They have allowed me every opportunity that I've wanted to do; some being less successful than others-- sports, Evergreen girls state, taking crazy trips to Seattle, anime conventions, trying to learn how to play the guitar, doing band in middle school... everything. Whatever I wanted to do at the time, they allowed it and in many of the cases paid for it. And for that, I am eternally grateful because it's help me become the person I am today.

3. I am thankful for my sister, though we have social differences. We've really grown closer now that our family feels so isolated from our extended family. I know we're nothing alike in so many ways, but I still love her and she's technically the closest blood relative I have in the world. She's put up with so much shit from me but she never holds a grudge and has just sort of taken it.

I remember the crazy night that I got back from Ryan's house and we had some conflict about something, and my sister told me "Fuck you!" I've told Avery fuck you probably over a hundred times, but when she said it back to me I was so shocked and hurt. We ended up making up after I called Samantha balling my eyes out because of how alone I felt because of all the conflict with my family, and we ended up making up and realized how stupid we were both being. We realized how much we've taken for granted how lucky we are to have eachother. So for that, I'm thankful for Avery.

4. I'm thankful that I'm happier with my body than I've ever been in my life. I look thin and I look in the mirror and I am no longer so hung up about my body. Granted, I don't eat unhealthy and I still fret about what I eat, but I don't feel a need to lose more weight or feel like certain parts are nasty. I have just accepted that I am who I am. In a sense, I'm sort of thankful for Guy Stevens for being so complimentary of how my body looked. He told me that my thighs and ass are "bangin." That compliment alone really meant a lot to me for some reason, because I've always been really self concious about my thighs.

5. I'm thankful for the Japanese program at CBC. I know a lot of people think they're strange because of the obsession with Japanese culture, but I don't really care. I've met some really nice people in the program, and they've kept me company in my last couple years at CBC. One in particular that i'm especially thankful for meeting is Brad Pitkin, probably the least "Japanophile-y" one  that was in that class, but he was still a little nerdy haha. Anyway, he's been hugely supportive of me and I don't think I would of passed math 97 without him. And of course Hannah, who's been someone that I hang out with a lot at CBC which has been nice. It's really nice to not be alone at cbc . . . like I was the first year I was there.

6. I am thankful for all the lessons I've learned from all the guys i've had generally unsuccessful relationships with. I feel like because I've learned these lessons now, I won't make the same mistakes later in life when these mistakes are more detrimental. I feel like now, I have a far better idea of what i'm looking for in someone that I'd want to be with the rest of my life rather than just lusting. I also know that people DON'T change and that you can't try to change someone into something they're not to hide things that bug you.

7. I'm thankful for Katharine, who continued to be my friend even when I was a complete weirdo at certain stages of childhood. I randomly thought about some certain instance at work the other day when I was a kid, about building a huge blanket fort in my basement and Katharine sitting around watching for like 3 hours while I played Spyro on PS1. I can't imagine she was having fun. And I'm sure there were many times like this where she wouldn't be having fun at all because of my weirdnesses when I was younger, yet she continued to be my friend anyway. And I'm glad she did, because we've had some pretty fucking fun times together too. : ) Today we don't really hang out or talk much because of the distance and she lives a really busy live and so do I, but I still consider her one of my best friends and even if she does move to LA and we barely get to see eachother she always will be.

8. I'm thankful for Samantha, who has gone on some amazingly fun, nerdy trips with me to anime conventions. I've always been a shoulder for her to cry on when she's having trouble, and I feel like if I am down about something I can cry to her and she won't ever judge me for it. She's a sincerely sweet person, and she means a lot to me. I definately consider her one of my best friends as well, which is why I'm spending so much money to get her this tablet. I guess it's a lame way of showing someone how much they mean to you but I feel like it'd be something she really needs. She draws all the time and she has to take stupid pictures of her drawings with a digital camera, which doesn't work very well at all. I can't see her parents buying her one in the near future, so I think it'd be the best gift I could get her.

9. I'm thankful for my love of rock music. period. I can't imagine how I would be able to reduce my stress while driving. Not only that, metal has a way of empowering me.

10. I'm thankful for Bronkaid. I know this sounds creepy. It's an over the counter asthema medicine that Ryan told me about that I originally started taking for appetite surpressent. It has become the absolute greatest thing for my trouble focussing. It sort of acts like Adderal. it helps me stay calm and focussed, and has really benefit me this quarter. I think it helps with my depression and anxiety too. So it's been a good replacement for Wellbutrin, and i'm hoping it doesn't become perscription only. If it did I'd be in trouble.

11. I'm thankful for my big eyes, my soft skin, that I no longer have acne, that I'm not prematurely going gray (and probably won't thanks to my Dad's mom), my cute ears, my "bangin" physique, and my long hair. I find myself pretty for the first time in my life and I'm thankful for this.

12. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to go to college. That alone is so scarce and I think I take it for granted. I intend to thank my parents for this tomorrow.

All these things that I never thing about that I really do give thanks for. Thank god I have this blog where I can organize my thoughts.

peace.

time for bed....

Pinky pie swear~

Some typical first year kanji. I can read a little more than half of these.

Cbc library again.. messing around when I probably should be studying, but because I have the entire huge thanksgiving break to do so I have little motivation.

This morning I had a Japanese kanji test, which I waaaay overdid it on the studying and did about 1000+ squares of grid paper full of them, yet still forgot the kanji compound for "to travel" and "tonight." So I probably got a B on it, after all that work and copying over and over again. I honestly didn't look over which compounds we had to memorize until a couple minutes before the test because Hannah just happened to have the packet. Note to self, look over that packet next time.

I have work at five. Maybe I'll work on my drawing for my drawing challenge thingy. I am going to draw my favorite place, which in this case is my Grandma's house in Atascadero. I've had some of the greatest times of my life there. Granted, things sort of went downhill a bit when my Grandpa died but I've still enjoyed the last times I've been there. I miss my Grandma, and everyone else down there-- with the exception of Zoe, admittedly with all the drama she causes. Well, everyone down there has a tendency to be frustrating at times, but they're the only family I've got.  I still no longer consider anyone on my Dad's side my family anymore, and never will for the rest of my life. I hope all of them have just a fantastic Thanksgiving this Thursday, and they can talk a bunch of shit about us while they're at it.

It's sad, ever since that Zoe situation where I told Danae thank you for standing up for my sister when Zoe's trashy friend was laughing at her, my mom and I haven't been in contact with my Aunt or Adam what so ever. It's going to be really awkward now when I do see them, because they probably think I still holding a grudge against them or something. Ugh, I have no idea why my family has become so excluded from everyone. I don't think we did anything to deserve this... it's very saddening how alone we are. It's funny though, Haley (Wilson, I met her at Jessika's party recently) told me that her family is in the same boat and that they're not in contact with their mom's side of the family at all and her Dad just talks to his brother Dustin, and that's it.

The main reason that my immediate family was cut out from my Dad's side is obvious-- it's a combination of the fact that we're not mormons, and greed. The fact that we're not mormons has always made us outcasted in the first place, so I think that made it easier for them to just shut us out. I don't understand the mormon faith and why it's so damn exclusive.

Jack Didleys needs to stop freaking messaging me. I have no interest in going to their stupid club and I've replied multiple times saying "STOP" and I'll get a response that says they're going to stop sending messages but they don't.

I get like, no texts lately. Maybe because I posted that I'm fed up with texting? Or maybe because I'm bad about replys, I don't know. I'm just not really talking to anyone right now aside from who I see at school. Katelynn's been working these night shifts and I never going early enough to hang out with her on the weekends. She works from like, 4-12 AM or something like that, then she goes home and sleeps in sort of late. I only typically like to hang out with people in the evenings. I mean I'll get up early and do stuff but I don't really like going out that before 1 pm.

I need to go to wal mart and stock up on Broncaid. It's become my new Wellbutrin, but it doesn't give me the anxiety side effects. It also really helps with my ADHD. I've been taking it twice-three times daily since me and Ryan started hanging out, and I don't intend to stop taking it even if I'm not diagnosed with any sort of asthema. So, in a sense I'm abusing an over the counter drug. But because it's benefitting me a lot more than it's damaging me (sometimes I get runny noses because it loosens the moucus membranes), I'm not going to stop unless they stop me from buying it. And if it does become perscription, I really don't know what I'm going to do... Maybe try another anti-depressent, but that's scary. After my previous panic-anxiety attack from Wellbutrin, I don't want to ever go there again. It makes everything so scary. I'm still getting over it today, and sometimes have to carefully keep myself in check by breathing deeply or focusing on something else. Anxiety tends to sneak up on me at work worse than anywhere else.

Well, I think I'm gonna go draw. I have no idea what I'm gonna do this weekend, honestly. I'm going to try my best to get a lot of work done.

yours,
Emily