Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I was hoping this would have a happy ending but it's over.

It's over...

I was hoping this would have a happy ending, but no, that's the end of Jed. I texted him this morning asking him if he would like to hang out at some time today and he told me, "Uhm so I started seeing this girl, an old friend of mine, hope this won't make things awkward between us."

...What? Wow. That's his decision. All I could say was that okay... Like have a nice life. If we pass eachother I'll give him a closed mouth smile if we make eye contact and keep walking as if we were complete strangers again. Note that he's seeing this girl after he told me he doesn't want a relationship, which is the really painful part. I almost wish he hadn't have told me he was seeing someone else.

I'm okay though, as I've said before, either these things work out or they don't. In this case, I really liked him but apparently he felt more strongly for this other girl so he's making that choice. There's nothing I can do about it so I just have to accept it and move on.

It's just depressing, as always. I'm starting to feel like I'm over it, I have a way of blocking out things like this very quickly. He probably wasn't perfect for me anyway. If he was I'd probably be a lot more sad than I am right now. I mean I've cried off and on today, but honestly my crying isn't for Jed.

It's more just crying because I didn't get a chance.. I no longer allow myself to develop feelings for people to the degree that I would cry simply because I'd want them back. I'll forget about Jed himself in no time, now that he's cut off he's completely insignificant in my life. That is relaxing because I don't have to worry about if I'm talking to him or not.

The tears are from loneliness. My heart feeling more and more numb as time has passed. I've truly learned to love myself in all of this because I've held myself together in my own circumstances to the outside world much better than I ever would have envisioned. I think of how I'd let the depression from loneliness get to me a year ago where I'd make the dumbest decisions, but now that I'm almost two years in I've learned to cope with it.

Well Katelynn just called! I already had the brunt of the emotions earlier today so I'm actually feeling a little better... This will help too.


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