Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I'm sorry for being the biggest bitch on the planet, but...

Gah! I'm so lame...

If he has a green backpack, which I vaguely remember he does, I saw him again... what is this like, the fifth time, and I didn't even look over or smile or anything. I'm pretty sure it was him, and he just happen to skate by the second I was walking past the building he lives in. I was listening to my music and looking straight ahead so I could see why he wouldn't talk to me if it was him and if he actually had any intention of talking to me at all. Probably not, I'm assuming this crush on this complete stranger of mine is very one sided so I don't need to start trying to convince myself otherwise. 

But because his facebook is entirely restricted to people that aren't his friends if I ever wanted to talk to him I would straight have to walk up to him and say something which I don't want to do. Nobody would ever want to do that. But obviously he's still on my mind, I don't have any interest in anyone else, I feel like a sitting duck. The only other way I could get ahold of him is through a different friend of mine (who I just met so we're not close enough friends that he wouldn't not talk to me again if he knew I liked his friend). I haven't been very subtle in hinting that I'd like to talk to him but I highly doubt he's brought me up.  

I've decided that if he's still on my mind by this Saturday and haven't gotten the chance to talk to him I'm going to text my friend and admit to him that I'm crushing on his friend, apologize for being the biggest bitch on the planet, and ask if he knows a way I could meet him. They're best friends here at school though, it's like me dating someone that Katelynn has a crush on and spent time with. 

So that's the plan.... By waiting until Saturday I might soften the blow of what could be really disappointing for this friend of mine. But I at least have to try, the worst thing that could happen is him just saying "No, he wouldn't be interested." or something like that. Or by not replying, nevermind that would be worse.

And who cares if he doesn't want to talk to me! I've got absolutely nothing to lose. I'm at the point that I don't like anybody, again, so clearly my heart has been looking around for someone in that realm to focus on but it probably picked another bad choice simply because of the circumstances.

Jessika never stops uploading pictures of her and her boyfriend Roman. Like they must be continually taking pictures every five minutes when their together because it's like Jessika's trying to say to everyone on facebook, "LOOK! Look how happy we are!" She got lucky, she hooked one, I just couldn't imagine any guy that would be willing to put up with her obnoxiously grotesque, demanding personality. So yeah, in a way it does irk me, admittedly.

I see myself and I think of how much I have to offer-- I'm beautiful, talented, intelligent, I'm a decent cook, I present myself well, I don't have many hangups like other girls... Yet I've been alone for a year and ten months now. My soul feels STARVING for some kind of companionship and it's hard because I'm hardly attracted to anyone. So many things turn me off, ever since I started playing music I have such high standards for myself it's hard to get on that same level with anyone else. 

Speaking of which, I'm taking my guitar to the shop today. There's a music store in town and I'm sure it's open on Tuesdays at 10 AM. If not I give up with this town, I swear. That's really all I've got planned other than some accounting homework, my math assignment... and I should probably read chapter 7 in my legal class too. Typical day.


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