Monday, October 29, 2012

Just pushing forward.

Well today's been pretty good, academically that is. I think I did well on my Legal midterm.

I am a little frustrated with myself at the moment though. I texted Jed earlier and he did reply but our conversation ended on sort of an awkward note when I told him I'm never really on the loop with parties. He'd told me he partied this weekend. I made myself look like a hermit. Excellent.

But it really isn't *that* far from the truth. It's always been true that I would much rather hang out with just one or two people then a huge group of people. Actually to be honest hanging out with two people even makes me feel awkward if I'm the one that's hosting. I don't mind groups that much when I'm not hosting, like I am friendly enough that it's not bad.. But when I'm the host of a large group of people (like that party I had, for instance), I was completely unable to relax.... then by 12:00 I literally wanted the party to be over and everyone to go home.

Little embarrassing, but hey, everyone had a good time... Except Jessika, who left after acting completely ridiculous and making faces at everyone.

No panic attack today, which is good because I would have been especially nervous if I had one today... My chest has still been bothering me but now it's mainly just my sternum instead of my breasts. This stress has sucked but believe it or not I've been doing really well on my schoolwork. I'm beginning to think my source of stress is more due to Jed, the fact that I didn't do anything for halloween, feeling slightly socially isolated, being sick... A lot of things.

Russell Alan of Symphony X. 
I had felt some major stress in my accounting class today that nearly led to a panic attack. Walking home I turned on "Heretic" and the beginning guitar riff shot straight into my soul. I felt so relieved of all the tension I'd been feeling earlier in the day. 

Metal helps me so much. Due to my chest pains I haven't been practicing as much as I really should. This week I only practiced about an hour a day and barely did much as far as new material goes. I've just been working on Sultans and Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid but I haven't been playing with the guitar pro program so I'm not making as much progress as I probably could be. Most of the time I don't want to play with the program, though, because I'd rather watch TV and chill out.

I'm just tired.... I'm not going to text Jed saying goodnight or anything. He's busy with homework anyway and probably doesn't want to be bothered by me. I'd really like to someday like a guy that I don't feel like I'm bothering. He was out partying all weekend.... Having a great fucking time. I hate partying. I hate shots and slutty girls. I hate hookups, beer, all of it. I want to stay as far away from it as possible because all it does is drag me into that hole of hopelessness. Because nothing good comes out of hookups, yet I'm convinced that's what almost all guys my age want so it's sort of a hopeless effort for me to try to make anything work.

I just sort of wait patiently for things to change. It bothers me lately especially because I've felt a bit of weakness and would really just like to have someone there. I think this thing with Jed has also been hard because been trying to hold up this wall I have against having emotions toward someone... I just don't want to get hurt again, and because I feel myself really getting to like this one and knowing he doesn't want a relationship makes me feel insecure about what I say... Like I feel like if I somehow were to "Suggest" something he would take it the wrong way and never see me again. I'm sick of it, everything else in my life is going perfect in regards to everything I'd always imagined so why can't I just be happy, relax and let things come as they will...

Because life has never been like that for me.


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