God damn I've had a day.... And it's only 2:42

 I'm really happy  right now because I'm done with what I literally thought I wasn't going to finish. As you guys know I didn't get shit done this weekend... I mentioned that right? Well I've had this ethics paper hanging over my shoulders for the past couple weeks, I somehow managed to put it off until the last minute because I was so freaking determined to beat Terry on that macro test. And it worked, I got 92%. Beat him by a whopping 10%.

I walked into class and we just looked at eachother and laughed. I knew it was stupid of me to bet on the Broncos, which I'd realized the second I found out the 49ers whooped em last time Broncos were in the superbowl. God that was almost a hard game to watch there toward the end.... Seeing those Colorado boys red faces.

...So yeah, I guess going on about the superbowl with Terry in class yesterday was kind of fun.. I was completely unable to give him the cold shoulder as originally anticipated. He has that affect on me. He drove home this weekend like I did to watch the game with his Dad. I owe him 5 shots of whiskey. I would have today but I'm too damn tired.

I haven't slept in about 30 hours. I started RESEARCHING for that paper yesterday at 5... That's how much of a turd I've been about this. I came back to my apartment and spent the next couple hours reading with Michael. I didn't actually start writing the paper until about 9 pm, and it took me the entire night to just finish the damn introduction. By about 4 this morning when I finished the introduction and had a solid idea what I was writing about I decided to try to get two hours of sleep.

Come to think of it, had I slept two hours this morning I wouldn't have finished. Marshall was the reason I got that paper done and won't automatically get a C- in my management class, alright!! 

I'm never procrastinating again I swear. 

I laid down on the couch and Marshall was still wide awake running all over. I was still wide awake too but was trying really hard to meditate or something. Marshall jumped up on my coffee table, to get my water of course... knocked it over, broke the glass. So now my carpet is covered in broken glass and I have to get up and clean it. At this point I decided sleeping was probably futile, especially with the amount of stress riding on my shoulder about the enormity of work I had to do to complete this paper.

I just plowed right back into it... until about 9 am. By that time my hands were shaking and I felt sick from exhaustion. I then called my Mom in the midst of a panic attack and she was somehow able to bring me down enough that I was able to finish.

Oh yeah she told me that every assignment she did in college was like how I felt today... That cracked me up.

I think I'm going to bed...

peace. 

A fresh start, round 2.

My friend Kevin is extremely helpful. Period.

He came over tonight after law class and helped me with a few of my assignments that I hadn't gotten done because I was away this weekend and helped me get caught up. Tomorrow I've got ANOTHER legal assignment (Chapter 12) that I have to submit and we've barely lectured on chapter 9 in class yet. At least the homework allows the class to stay somewhat ahead of the game.

I've got my midterm in there this next Monday. I figure if I do one of the study guides every day I will satisfy that grade. That's six times going over last year's midterm of 150 questions. Each run though the test should take me about an hour and a half. That test is going to be difficult but if I study the midterm extremely well I should have a good shot at getting above a B.

Okay so I got my accounting grade on the first test. I failed just like I thought I did... BUT. I got a 61% so that's still 60% of the points. That's not a hole I can't get myself out of. I can't afford another bad grade but I am going to work extremely hard for the next two tests. It's just a matter of making sure I get at least an hour a day. Granted some days are going to take longer than others (like Tuesdays when I've got homework) but on those other 5 days if I really make a point to both take care of myself and do a solid hour of studying a day I should really improve in that class. I've been doing flash cards too.

Holtfreter knows that I'm working really hard. I actually came to his office today to pick up the overhead slides for chapter 11 but he told me he'd left them at home and pretty much kicked me out. It's okay, he's busy, but damn he'd told me the previous week to come to his office to get help but my effort was pretty fruitless. Regardless, I'm going to continue to show up, every day that I have class about an hour before class begins to get the overhead slides...

Burnadette P. also offered to study with me before the test. It doesn't look like the professor is going to jumble up the groups so that's good... I don't see why he would, the distribution of failure is pretty even throughout the classroom. There were 8 A's, 5 or 6 B's, a few C's, a few D's and 12 F's. More F's than anything. This really sweet Vietnamese girl is studying as hard as I am and she failed as bad as I did. Shannon D. got a D-. We're all trying our absolute hardest, that test was bullcrap.

He did say that he is going to adjust the exam for the next one somehow. I'm really hoping I feel more confident on the next one. I know I'll feel less nervous, that is if I'm able to get my permit for test anxiety on November 6th. I'm sure I'll have the next accounting test before then but maybe not, I just don't know... Everything has been going so fast, I don't even know what week this is technically. That might be a good thing to keep track of.

That 60% was when I was running on 60% of my health. For the rest of the quarter I'm going to eat healthy, sleep well, stay focused... Work my hardest, like always. This, by far, has been my hardest quarter I've ever taken.

Oh! On top of everything else I've got a math test tomorrow. I feel pretty confident about the material... I worked on most of the problems a couple times today, I'm still a little shaky on some of them but I'll figure it out tomorrow morning. I'm going to wake up at 5 to squeeze an hour in before the test like I like to do.

Ugh, this blows, I didn't get to play guitar all day today but I've got to get a good night sleep tonight. It's already 11 and it takes me a little while to actually go to sleep.



No word from Jed, all day. No word from him yesterday, all day. I'm beginning to think he doesn't want to talk to me anymore... He probably got freaked out thinking I wanted some relationship even though I didn't want him to jump to that conclusion at all. Like he kept on asking me questions about it and if I was looking for one. I told him that I honestly wouldn't mind being in one at this point, having it's been almost two years since I've been in one... but no, that must've scared him away. Why do guys ask these questions if it's just going to freak them out? Isn't it just better to go with the flow?

I don't want to think about Jed right now, really that's one of the last things really concerning me.... I guess if he is trying to cut off and that's the last time I see him then I've just gotta accept it and move on, what else can I do? Everything will work out eventually, I just hate it when I get a tiny taste of feeling of absolute satisfaction in my life (because the feeling of affection toward anyone is the only thing missing) and it goes away. I relished in the thought of us being together for about two days. And now it's over I guess. Shit. lol.

This picture is my new cover on facebook, it's some art from Mastodon but it seems like a pretty accurate representation of my stress level since I've arrived here. I feel so discouraged a lot of the time... I always feel like I'm not smart enough and it's frustrating. 

peace.