Thursday, October 11, 2012

Had a crush. Sabotaged a friendship to lose the crush, wow...

I've been listening to the album Clockwork angels by Rush today.

I haven't really been in a heavy metal mood because I'm feeling better today than I have the past few days, but I'm definitely not feeling Gaga either. This album is pretty calm, with enough musical quality to keep me entertained. It's kind of feel good, too... in some strange, trippy Rush way. I'm not very good at describing how I feel about albums. This just suits my mood, that's all I can say. Go listen to the album.

 I've been losing too much weight lately, it's kind of freaking me out. I haven't been very good about preparing food for myself, sometimes I'll just feel lazy or so engrossed in what I'm working on that I don't want to eat. I guess you could say I eat to live, not live to eat. I'll eat when I'm hungry and feel satisfied quickly, it's rare that I snack out of boredom.

One of the main reasons I've grown accustomed to eating so few calories is that I try not to snack while I practice because the fret board gets greasy. When you do anything for three hours a day, it's bound to put a strain on other things. I've been watching documentaries about obsessions on Netflix and though I'm not NEARLY as extreme as those crazy people I certainly see similar tendencies with my practicing. Who cares though-- I'm a typical guitarist that's actually serious about it, I'm sure Steve Vai practiced all day long.

So I totally f*cked up any chances I might have otherwise had with Jed yesterday! Ha ha, that tiny crush led me to the point of completely destroying Patrick and I's friendship and it initially made me a little sad but now that I realize WHY I did it I'm much more forgiving of myself...

The whole situation frustrated me because it felt out of my control. I had a crush on someone that I knew I wouldn't be able to bring myself to talk to because he doesn't accept friend requests/messages on facebook. I knew that the only way I could talk to him is to continue to spend time with Patrick, which made me feel awful because I knew he had feelings for me... And I'd told him I didn't want a relationship, then going after his friend. It went against my moral code, so thinking of the situation rang in my head over and over again, while simultaneously thinking of this person that I didn't even know...

So I told Patrick. Told him that I had some weird crush on his friend, I had no idea why, and that if I ever did talk to him that I was sorry. It was worded more carefully than that, mind you, but when it comes down to it that's what it said. 

I knew it wasn't the right thing to say. I put the shoe on the other foot and I would be absolutely appalled by this girl who I'd just taken on a date, helped with her math homework, bought a birthday gift... But I had to tell him because I think subconsciously I knew that was the only way I'd destroy this crush I'd developed that  put a strain on my thoughts.

 It put a burden on me because I was thinking about him and wondering if I'd see him when I walked back to my apartment. Because I saw him like... literally three days in a row suddenly my mind was keeping an eye out for him. I think it's understandable, I mean he's not a complete, complete stranger because of the fact that I made direct eye contact, and I know he knows who I am because he knows I'm Patrick's (well, now ex-) friend.

But yeah, sabotaged that one. Patrick pretty much responded like, "Wow I can't believe you'd actually tell me that, I knew you liked him but you didn't have to tell me..." And I knew I shouldn't have, but my mind kept rolling the thought over in my head over and over again for three days that I finally had too.

I think it was just the only way I could get away from the crush I had... Because I don't want to have a crush on someone that I can't talk too. It would leave me wondering every time I walked passed that damn building. It's just sad that I had to sacrifice Patrick and I's friendship to be freed from it. Because I guess initially I thought, well, if I tell Patrick then he won't be surprised if I suddenly start talking to him... but in reality I really should have known that no, you actually won't, so why are you telling Patrick? What good can come of that?

I have no good answer. Patrick and I will no longer be communicating. There's no bitter feelings there, necessarily  even if I'm sure he's not too fond of me. But the crush is now relieved because I feel like there's now NO chance there versus before when I was thinking, "Okay maybe today I'll talk to him... Nope, fuck you walked by you should have said something wtf!!" No. I just want to walk, or bike home. And think about my classes and what I have planned for the evening, not if I'm going to see this person that I don't even know. Because I'm assuming now if Jed actually knew how seriously I took this stupid crush of mine he would not want anything to do with me. I doubt Patrick has even mentioned it to him. If that's true, that's probably for the best.

John R. and his girlfriend. I originally met John in a prog music station, we exchange a lot of music.
He's a veteran Dream Theater fan, too.

I talked to my friend John today about this just to get a guy's perspective on it. Last night I was able to uncover my reasoning behind why I did it when I was talking to my Mom on the phone. John told me he went through the same exact shit that I'm going through and the less I worry about it the better. He basically promised me that everything will fall into place eventually. We had a really good discussion earlier today and it's hard for me to explain just what he said. 

It's hard to entirely not give a shit about it, but I can definitely say I'm not half as worried about it when I have absolutely NO love interest versus when I have my eye/mind on someone. It distracts me from what's important; like studying, my guitar, etc... and if something's going to distract me I like to make for damn sure there's at least a chance there. And since I didn't feel there was going to be one in the circumstances involved, I had to cut things off from Patrick to stop convincing myself that I'd actually be a bad enough person to have interest in his best friend. 

It sucks, I didn't like that experience and I'm glad it's over. It's probably better that I did that now than later... At least I feel more at peace now that I don't have to worry about it. 


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