Two almost stress free midterms, hallelujah.

I found another North Korea propoganda film, this one translated to English. Almost the entire thing is shots of Kim Jong Il and Kim Il Sung smiling and pointing at these great perfect establishments that have been built for the workers party. 

The music in North Korea is just awful. That's one of the things that would make life in North Korea absolutely unbearable is the awful socialist party music. They're not allowed to listen to anything else, though many of them do obtain music from China and South Korea illegally at the black market. The whole country is ridiculously poor because there's no economy so even as more and more "shops" and "restaurants" are built there will still be people starving and dying in the streets. 

It absolutely has to end soon, something will happen one of these days in North Korea that will cause major changes in the way their socialist government under the Kim family is currently running. It's been this way for so long that the country has become an old photograph of Maoist China and the 1950's Soviet union. For this reason Chinese tourists love to visit North Korea because it's fascinating to witness the charade fantasy land that the North Korean government can't possibly think the rest of the world believes. 

 

This sports contest happened in Kim Il Sung Stadium. In older videos the stands would have been full but I'm noticing over time these events are getting smaller and smaller, definitely because their population has dropped so far in numbers from starvation throughout the years. Competition in itself is very rare in North Korea because it's considered a capitalist ideal but there does appear to be a few races in this. I don't know, it's all completely whack-a-do. I'm going to continue to follow StimmeKorea's videos until the end of the Kim dynasty. It'll happen here in the next year or so, you watch. It has too because it's getting to the point that the residents of PyongYang are going to be the only ones left. 

I think I did well on my accounting test. Lecture in legal was SO boring today, we talked about contracts and hardly anyone was paying attention/participated. These are the type of days that I really make an effort to pay attention because I feel it will play in my advantage. He appreciates when people are paying attention, and he knows that the subject is boring.

Now that it's coming down to the very end I'm really getting a perspective on what I've gotta do to pass my classes. Week 7 ends tomorrow, I'm PROUD I actually did everything on my goal list this week and really got to enjoy the rewards by having two almost stress free midterms! 

What I've really got to do is study math. My next important test is this Thursday so my goal is to study math an hour a day between now and Wednesday night to better prepare myself for that. This test shouldn't be too bad, I've got a decent hand on logarithms so if I really bite into it tonight I should be okay. 

That's all I gotta say, gotta get to work! 

peace. 

My first panic attack

There are some people that I hold in very high regard in my life. People that if throughout life they're ever in trouble they can come to me for help and I'd help them hands down because of how much they've helped me at this stage of my life.

Ashley B. is one of those people.

Yesterday was normal for the most part. I'd studied my accounting for an hour first thing in the morning after doing my laundry and was unable to fully comprehend the material. It was frustrating so I put it aside after doing about four exercises. Figured I'd do the other four today which is something I have to get done here after I finish this entry.

I came back to my room to start studying for my midterm. I continued to feel pain in my chest from the past few days. The pain was scaring me now and I made the mistake of beginning to research it. I stopped myself after about 5 minutes, I told myself, "Stop, you know this isn't going to help.. There's nothing wrong with you.." But I still wanted to talk to my mom to help calm me down. I called my parents, neither of them picked up. Then I tried my sister and she hung up on me. The feeling of isolation made me feel creeped out, so I went on facebook for awhile and tried to relax.

It wasn't working... My hands were getting sweaty, I felt dizzy, I felt like I could barely breath. I then began going through my phone contacts looking for someone to call. I first called Katelynn, then Samantha but neither of them picked up so I decided to call Ashley B. She's always been extremely understanding of people's problems; she went to an oppressive Catholic school and dealt with bullying growing up so she knows and understands stress and depression more than most people I know.

When she picked up I immediately starting balling, saying I was extremely scared because I felt like I couldn't breath. She helped calm me down to explain that it was just a panic attack, that my symptoms are normal, and suggested some remedies to help me relax. One of which included benadryl, which I don't have any of so I ended up drinking an alka-seltzer and took a quarter supplement of Bronkaid to help clear my airways. Both of them helped quite a bit. I'm going to keep Bronkaid around for this purpose. Only taking a small amount like that did not affect my appetite or sleeping last night. I haven't been taking caffeine either.


I'd never had a panic attack before... I've been going through a really stressful time so it's understandable. Everyone that I'd called returned my call that evening, Samantha seemed really concerned but by then I just didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes talking about paranoia makes it worse. I really don't want to have a panic attack again, it seriously feels like you're having a heart attack and that you can't breath.

When I talked to my mom about it she thinks it also partially has to do with feeling stressed about not talking to Jed. As much as I don't want to admit it, it does sadden me that we haven't talked in 4 days now... I feel strangely numb about it, like I haven't let myself get attached to the point that it bothers me to a great degree but not knowing if I'm going to talk to him again makes me kind of sad.

peace. 

A fresh start, round 2.

My friend Kevin is extremely helpful. Period.

He came over tonight after law class and helped me with a few of my assignments that I hadn't gotten done because I was away this weekend and helped me get caught up. Tomorrow I've got ANOTHER legal assignment (Chapter 12) that I have to submit and we've barely lectured on chapter 9 in class yet. At least the homework allows the class to stay somewhat ahead of the game.

I've got my midterm in there this next Monday. I figure if I do one of the study guides every day I will satisfy that grade. That's six times going over last year's midterm of 150 questions. Each run though the test should take me about an hour and a half. That test is going to be difficult but if I study the midterm extremely well I should have a good shot at getting above a B.

Okay so I got my accounting grade on the first test. I failed just like I thought I did... BUT. I got a 61% so that's still 60% of the points. That's not a hole I can't get myself out of. I can't afford another bad grade but I am going to work extremely hard for the next two tests. It's just a matter of making sure I get at least an hour a day. Granted some days are going to take longer than others (like Tuesdays when I've got homework) but on those other 5 days if I really make a point to both take care of myself and do a solid hour of studying a day I should really improve in that class. I've been doing flash cards too.

Holtfreter knows that I'm working really hard. I actually came to his office today to pick up the overhead slides for chapter 11 but he told me he'd left them at home and pretty much kicked me out. It's okay, he's busy, but damn he'd told me the previous week to come to his office to get help but my effort was pretty fruitless. Regardless, I'm going to continue to show up, every day that I have class about an hour before class begins to get the overhead slides...

Burnadette P. also offered to study with me before the test. It doesn't look like the professor is going to jumble up the groups so that's good... I don't see why he would, the distribution of failure is pretty even throughout the classroom. There were 8 A's, 5 or 6 B's, a few C's, a few D's and 12 F's. More F's than anything. This really sweet Vietnamese girl is studying as hard as I am and she failed as bad as I did. Shannon D. got a D-. We're all trying our absolute hardest, that test was bullcrap.

He did say that he is going to adjust the exam for the next one somehow. I'm really hoping I feel more confident on the next one. I know I'll feel less nervous, that is if I'm able to get my permit for test anxiety on November 6th. I'm sure I'll have the next accounting test before then but maybe not, I just don't know... Everything has been going so fast, I don't even know what week this is technically. That might be a good thing to keep track of.

That 60% was when I was running on 60% of my health. For the rest of the quarter I'm going to eat healthy, sleep well, stay focused... Work my hardest, like always. This, by far, has been my hardest quarter I've ever taken.

Oh! On top of everything else I've got a math test tomorrow. I feel pretty confident about the material... I worked on most of the problems a couple times today, I'm still a little shaky on some of them but I'll figure it out tomorrow morning. I'm going to wake up at 5 to squeeze an hour in before the test like I like to do.

Ugh, this blows, I didn't get to play guitar all day today but I've got to get a good night sleep tonight. It's already 11 and it takes me a little while to actually go to sleep.



No word from Jed, all day. No word from him yesterday, all day. I'm beginning to think he doesn't want to talk to me anymore... He probably got freaked out thinking I wanted some relationship even though I didn't want him to jump to that conclusion at all. Like he kept on asking me questions about it and if I was looking for one. I told him that I honestly wouldn't mind being in one at this point, having it's been almost two years since I've been in one... but no, that must've scared him away. Why do guys ask these questions if it's just going to freak them out? Isn't it just better to go with the flow?

I don't want to think about Jed right now, really that's one of the last things really concerning me.... I guess if he is trying to cut off and that's the last time I see him then I've just gotta accept it and move on, what else can I do? Everything will work out eventually, I just hate it when I get a tiny taste of feeling of absolute satisfaction in my life (because the feeling of affection toward anyone is the only thing missing) and it goes away. I relished in the thought of us being together for about two days. And now it's over I guess. Shit. lol.

This picture is my new cover on facebook, it's some art from Mastodon but it seems like a pretty accurate representation of my stress level since I've arrived here. I feel so discouraged a lot of the time... I always feel like I'm not smart enough and it's frustrating. 

peace.