My day was not great but not completely useless. After having such a hectic study day on the 29th I admittedly slacked a little bit preparing for my money and banking quiz. I'm probably going to have to face the nasty effects of that tomorrow because I can honestly say I guessed on quite a few of them. There's a good likelihood I got a crappy score on this quiz and this weekend will be spent doing a lot of studying for my Money and banking test on Wednesday and my public finance test on Monday.
Before I had checklists I now realize on days that I did bad on quizzes and tests I wouldn't usually do anything. Like I'll usually feel drained, end up sleeping to not stress about it, then spend the rest of my evening on the computer and tidying up. Tonight came really close to that but instead I really forced myself to read not just one but two of my public finance chapters. Didn't get everything done that I'd ambitiously planned this morning on my checklist but at least did SOME things.
As always, the more I get done tomorrow the better, even if I do have to get some other stuff done like grocery shopping and make sure I pay Jake for the second half of October and the first half of November.
Today is Halloween and even if I missed the boat entirely when it comes to partying I'm still planning to wear that wig to class tomorrow and will probably do my makeup a little overboard. I'll make sure to take a picture tomorrow morning for you all to see.
Let's see it's 10:40 pm, I've studied a total of 4 hours, 40 minutes today on a single subject. My goal is 7. Why seven? Today when I was studying in the hallway I heard one of Ghosh's students come out of a test they had today. He said to this other girl sitting there cramming, "I studied for like 7 hours and I still don't know if I'm ready..." Taking all my time combined this previous weekend I've spent 6 hours but I felt like most of it was playing catch up to where I should have been had I been keeping up with the material and my mind not in the clouds on prozac.
I didn't talk to Terry at all in Money and Banking and I noticed him kind of lingering after class and I thought he might ask if I wanted to study. I looked at him then shifted my glance and he asked Kevin P. I felt sort of this silent understanding that neither of us benefit much from studying together. It doesn't help either of us because Terry usually just tries to coattail onto what I'm doing and when I'm not 100% on the material I usually get too distracted by Terry's looks to think clearly.
Granted I still like sitting my Terry... being next to him always sort of gives me that "teenage crush" feeling even if I know it's not going anywhere. I have noticed this other guy in my econ class named Sam who I think is kind of cute though. He's blonde, nice build, seems really intelligent, doesn't have a facebook and once inquired about my tattoo... I sort of built up the courage to make small talk with him upon leaving today. We made small talk about the tests and I probably sounded like a paranoid goober as always.
So I totally missed the boat on halloween this year!
(well I'll still get trick or treaters.... hopefully)
I mean I'll still be giving out candy on halloween and what not but everyone got wasted in costumes this last weekend. I missed my chance again!! Graaaaahhhhh!!! But for a good reason.. I know if I didn't rest and get work done this weekend I would have been freaking out right now.
I do plan to wear my blue wig to Money and Banking on Thursday though, that will be really hilarious. I'm just planning on walking in like it's nothing. I also bought some blue tights. Maybe I'll wear my wig with black shirt, the blue tights with my black skirt... would that be too much for class? Probably. I'll have decided on that by Thursday morning I'm sure.
God I have been NEGLECTING reading my public finance book... Luckily the stuff that Sipic has talked about this past week or so has been really straight forward. I never feel lost during his lectures like I do during managerial.. I hate that feeling so much. I've planning on doing all of my homework for that class Wednesday night... Then I've got probably three hours of studying AFTER my big Managerial test to study for a money and banking quiz on Tuesday.
So yeah really all I've been doing is working today. Work, smoke, sometimes a little guitar, work, eat.... Last night I got invited to my friend Tyler H.'s house to enjoy some drops and watch South Park. His roommate was really cool too and their place was super pretty and clean on the inside... No offense to Tyler but I didn't know what to expect-- he's kind of... earthy I guess.
Lol I don't tell him this but he also kind of reminds me of a hobbit... He's just really happy with his life, simple things, loves the outdoors...
Happy he's my friend. I hope I get to hang out with him again soon. Little kickbacks like that are very much preferred to me than going and drinking with a bunch of loud people.
Alright guess that's all I had to say, people. Wish me luck tomorrow... Having done over 4 hours I'm definitely feeling more confident than I did yesterday but I still have a ton of technical problems/applied problems to do before I'm ready.
I'm planning to try another couple hours tonight... I know that the marginal utility of my studying diminishes the more hours I do so I don't know what good it'll do me but any work I do tonight will save me work I have to do after Money and Banking tomorrow.
peace.
Friday, September 20, 2013
here's something that made me smile earlier... The makeup on the chick on the left is so 90's goth I love it.
Yo, just got back from a pretty fun evening out with my Mom.
We picked up a TV from Goodwill for like $20. It's one of those big clunky TVs but it probably works just fine. I rarely watch TV anyway but it will be good to have some ambient sound if need be. We also got a ton of dishes and cleaning stuff and what not at the dollar store to get me started this year. Because the apartment is going to be completely unfurnished I'm going to be bringing a lot more stuff up with me than last year. I'm "packing an entire house" (what my mom said earlier).
I'm getting super excited to go. As of tomorrow only 3 more days! Woo. Don't have much more to say today, I just lazed around, played guitar a shit ton and packed. OH.. one thing about my guitar playing practice ritual has changed. Unless I am learning something new I am not allowed to look at tabs. Period.
It's time for me to get serious about memorizing music.
peace.
Speaking of 90's goth and halloween, here's some Type O Negative!! Ha ha this band is a guilty pleasure that I somehow stumbled upon a few months ago. I say guilty because it might seem silly and dated to some.
Yeah you wanna go out 'cause it's raining and blowing
You can't go out 'cause your roots are showing Dye em black - dye em black
Black black black black No. 1
She dyes em black black black black No. 1
Lol it's so goofy but I love this song. Good metal.
Well today's been pretty good, academically that is. I think I did well on my Legal midterm.
I am a little frustrated with myself at the moment though. I texted Jed earlier and he did reply but our conversation ended on sort of an awkward note when I told him I'm never really on the loop with parties. He'd told me he partied this weekend. I made myself look like a hermit. Excellent.
But it really isn't *that* far from the truth. It's always been true that I would much rather hang out with just one or two people then a huge group of people. Actually to be honest hanging out with two people even makes me feel awkward if I'm the one that's hosting. I don't mind groups that much when I'm not hosting, like I am friendly enough that it's not bad.. But when I'm the host of a large group of people (like that party I had, for instance), I was completely unable to relax.... then by 12:00 I literally wanted the party to be over and everyone to go home.
Little embarrassing, but hey, everyone had a good time... Except Jessika, who left after acting completely ridiculous and making faces at everyone.
No panic attack today, which is good because I would have been especially nervous if I had one today... My chest has still been bothering me but now it's mainly just my sternum instead of my breasts. This stress has sucked but believe it or not I've been doing really well on my schoolwork. I'm beginning to think my source of stress is more due to Jed, the fact that I didn't do anything for halloween, feeling slightly socially isolated, being sick... A lot of things.
Russell Alan of Symphony X.
I had felt some major stress in my accounting class today that nearly led to a panic attack. Walking home I turned on "Heretic" and the beginning guitar riff shot straight into my soul. I felt so relieved of all the tension I'd been feeling earlier in the day.
Metal helps me so much. Due to my chest pains I haven't been practicing as much as I really should. This week I only practiced about an hour a day and barely did much as far as new material goes. I've just been working on Sultans and Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid but I haven't been playing with the guitar pro program so I'm not making as much progress as I probably could be. Most of the time I don't want to play with the program, though, because I'd rather watch TV and chill out.
I'm just tired.... I'm not going to text Jed saying goodnight or anything. He's busy with homework anyway and probably doesn't want to be bothered by me. I'd really like to someday like a guy that I don't feel like I'm bothering. He was out partying all weekend.... Having a great fucking time. I hate partying. I hate shots and slutty girls. I hate hookups, beer, all of it. I want to stay as far away from it as possible because all it does is drag me into that hole of hopelessness. Because nothing good comes out of hookups, yet I'm convinced that's what almost all guys my age want so it's sort of a hopeless effort for me to try to make anything work.
I just sort of wait patiently for things to change. It bothers me lately especially because I've felt a bit of weakness and would really just like to have someone there. I think this thing with Jed has also been hard because been trying to hold up this wall I have against having emotions toward someone... I just don't want to get hurt again, and because I feel myself really getting to like this one and knowing he doesn't want a relationship makes me feel insecure about what I say... Like I feel like if I somehow were to "Suggest" something he would take it the wrong way and never see me again. I'm sick of it, everything else in my life is going perfect in regards to everything I'd always imagined so why can't I just be happy, relax and let things come as they will...
First of all, I need to pick out a small piece of something showy that I can use in a video promoting Jacob's business. Apparently my two videos weren't the correct format that he was looking for so I need to do the following:
-Play 20 seconds (something fast)
-State my name, how long I've gotten lessons with A Sharp Guitar School, and why I like it.
Done.
I just have to find what I'm going to play. He told me to choose something that I'm comfortable with but I think instead I'm going to find something new, like maybe I'll find a piece of Phantom of the Opera and really shred on it over and over today until it sounds good enough for the video. Maybe not today but sometime this week this has to get done...
I'm probably just going to hang out with Katelynn again today. I hung out with Samantha for the last time before I leave yesterday. It was a really nice time, we walked around shops like Leyte. I'm planning on making some fried noodles tonight with tempura, yum!
And back to my project....
Project Year Timeline
Age 17, 2008-2009 Last year of being wrapped up in highschool, failed relationships and becoming a true metalhead.
Junior year I sort of found my first concrete group with Robert, Skyler, Logan and Tyler. I'd always liked Robert from when I'd met him in middle school, I remember the first thing I said to him (when I was about 12) is that he "looked like the guy in System of a Down." I think I meant Daron Malakian at the time. Anyway, Robert invited me to Logan's on halloween and I started spending time with them both in and outside of school. We all took Spanish together.
Junior year was my peak with soccer, I remember doing really well that year even if our season wasn't fantastic. Marty played me a lot more, but because of my aggression I really only got significant chunks of playing time against teams like Naches, Connell, etc... I started to get a little more control than I did my sophomore year, but my passing and dribbling skills were still crummy. Actually they always were. My only real skill in soccer was the human shield factor, and it served it's purpose on many occasions.
I don't miss that part of highschool at all.
One memory that I AM quite fond of is having Calligraphy with Skyler F. We sat next to eachother at this extremely crowded table of David P. (who I honestly sort of had a crush on that year even if he was a sophomore), Drake J., Zach K. and Dwight R. It was a pretty difficult art class but we had a lot of fun doing lettering projects. I'm pretty sure Skyler and I were the only ones at the table that passed the class, the rest of them would spend more time screwing around than actually working... I wasn't very good at calligraphy itself at the beginning and really had to work at it to get it down. Still, the class was two hours long and we had a blast ripping on eachother, talking about music and joking around.
I also joined the art club this year and went on a field trip to Seattle, another one of my fondest memories. I spent a lot of time with Sitthinee and learned about Thai culture.
I went to my only prom my Junior year with Robert, Amy, Samantha and Shawn. This was before me and Sam were really friends, but I think I was *trying* to be her friend so I invited them along. I remember singing System of a Down in the car with Robert like a f*cking nut and it makes me a little embarrassed but it makes smile at the same time.
Prom was really, really fun. We had an awesome time and that dress was HOT, HOT, HOT.
I had the craziest tennis season Junior year because of the problems I had with Nicki. This picture might actually be from sophomore year because it was taken at the courts across from Wolfies... What made Junior year interesting is that those beautiful new courts were built so we ALL got WAY more practice time than we did waiting in line for others when we only had two courts.
I said things to Nicki that I really would never think to say to anyone... it was horribly mean and out of character for me but she was being a two-faced bitch and threatened my 1st spot, I felt a need to damage her psychologically to better my chances to get ahead. To be honest we were very neck in neck in our playing skills, Nicki worked hard... which made me work harder. I got lessons, practiced with Lindy as much as I could, then was able to maintain my position. Not with the help of the coaches, they hated me that year. I had no support from them, which was frustrating, and I couldn't even celebrate my wins without feeling guilty about it. The whole season was an emotional mind f*ck; I hated it.
Somehow I was able to come back the next year and completely kick ass, but Junior year was a huge struggle in tennis because of all the drama. I did have a lot of support from friends though, at the time I'm pretty sure I was hanging out a lot with Lindy, who was also on the tennis team and more than happy to rip on Nicki with me.
It's sad when I look back on it, just to let the reader know, I DID apologize to Nicki. Though it wasn't all one sided (she admits to being out of line in her behaviors that CAUSED me to act like this), I still felt extremely bad a couple years later and said I was sorry at RadCon this last year. She's okay, neither of us ever became big tennis stars (hahaha) and none of it ever mattered so I don't know why we let ourselves get so wrapped up in sports...
I guess they were the most important thing at the time, everybody wants some sort of glory from beating others. Again, don't miss sports.
Overall:
Looks:
I wore a LOT of Metal t-shirts that year, I guess probably more to impress Robert and Skyler and them than anything, it's like I really wanted to prove that "Yes, I like this music too, I'm one of you guys."
I took that friendship pretty seriously, you guys have to understand that I never really had any close friends in my class of 2010 so finding a group that was only slightly younger than me and didn't know my past very well gave me a chance to have a clean slate and really be myself. I could never be myself around my own class because they were very mean and exclusive toward me; it's like nobody in my class really seemed to like me enough to want to spend time with me, I gave up. Wearing the metal t-shirts, again, was like quietly taking a stand against them.
Work:
Babysat for Carmin and Chad. This was before Tori.
Skills:
I mainly focused on sports, but I did learn calligraphy this year which I still remember the alphabet for today. Mrs. Mowery told us that we'd never forget and it's a skill we'll have the rest of our lives, it's true!
Love:
Chad reminds me of Hank Hill (I look back on him and I can REALLY see why him and Caitlin worked well together). He was so logical and didn't get half the crazy shit I probably talked about.
The main guy that I liked this year was Chad S., and I liked him for a pretty long time afterward because we ended up meeting up again late in my senior year (which didn't work a second time around, either. I'm not going to go into detail.) Anyway, i had Chad in my Junior honors English class. Chad was a year older but was taking the class because he didn't take English at CBC. This was so *like* him to just not do something because they didn't feel like it at the time; what I liked about Chad is that he really knew what he wanted.
He didn't want me. He might of... had I have been myself instead of acting like a stupid bimbo around him. Back then I'd never had much luck with guys because in highschool it seems like guys only go for stupid girls. So what does an intelligent girl do? She dumbs herself down!! Shouldn't have done this around Chad, he got annoyed quickly. He was really physically attracted to me, and I REALLY was toward him too, so initially our weird cat and mouse game that we were playing in English worked out. I bugged the shit out of him.
I remember going over to his house once, he basically lived on a farm. His family had all sorts of country decor and heads sticking out from the walls. We really had nothing in common but something about him really enticed me... Needless to say, it hurt pretty bad when he DIDN'T want to be together. At all. In fact he wanted to stay the Hell away from me after awhile because Caitlin D. (his ex girlfriend that played soccer with me) was giving him a ton of shit for showing any interest in me.
The time spent with Chad was actually DURING soccer season, which is when Caitlin was on the same team and probably had to hear me go on and on about how great Chad is. During Basketball season she told all the cheer girls that I was obsessed with him on the bus. Word got back to me and I wanted to kick Caitlin's ass, but ended up just confronting her about it... sort of, really all I said was that I was "disappointed" in her. I really should have said, "Look bitch, keep my name out of your mouth..." but at this point things were such a lost cause with Chad that I didn't care.
I probably did act obsessed. I was just really lonely at the time and didn't know how to handle myself I suppose.
I can't remember if this is before, during or after I liked Chad but I also liked Tyler D. during my Junior year when I was hanging out his friends (Robert, Logan, Skyler). At the time Tyler was an extremely closed book, I probably shouldn't have been as persistent with him... Actually a girl shouldn't EVER be persistent with a guy, I learned this lesson from guys like this. But when you never get pursued and everybody else has boyfriends, sometimes I just tried to do what I thought I had to do.
I was just so lonely in that aspect of my life after having serious boyfriends the previous year. I still must have had some faith in it my junior year at the beginning but after Tyler treated me like shit and Chad didn't work out I threw in the towel for anyone wanting a relationship with me. I stopped caring as much.
Me and Robert's favorite song to sing together, Holy Mountains by SOAD.
Music:
LOTS and LOTS of System of a Down. I REALLY got into them my Junior year with Robert and we used to sing in the car together when we'd hang out, it was so much fun. I wasn't THAT into Metallica at first, but my friends were listening to them all the time so I sort of had to get a taste for it. In time I ended up really into them too.
Confidence:
Pretty good, certainly better than Sophomore year. Getting some playing time in soccer kind of gave me an edge, which ended up being my major downfall in tennis when I got cocky. I didn't really know how to apply makeup back then so my eyes were oftentimes a smudgey mess but at least I knew how to properly spread foundation.
Some fun with me and Robert at the end of my Junior year.
That's it for now, I'm going to make a separate entry for 16, it's going to be a big one!
This is probably going to be a quick entry because I should really be studying for my kanji quiz tomorrow. This one is going to be hard, chapters 11 in the genki book and chapter 9 in the K L&L. The problem is that, well, I suck at kanji and I haven't studied these at all until this point aside from the little we do in class. So it's gonna be a long night for me. I need to print out some kanji squares or get grid paper or something.
At the moment, I'm publishing a lonnnng late video for CBC Japanese club's halloween event. I have to say, there's a lot of, well, me in it. My face starts the movie, my face ends it, rambling on. I put all the costume entries into little clips and had a long clip of me and Hannah playing ping pong-- it's pretty cute, but I'm having a feeling people might be a little annoyed with how much of me there is in it? But honestly, if I'm uploading it to my youtube channel it has to have a bit of a format, it's a vlog channel so it's gotta have my little introductions and explaining of things. I tried pretty hard on this video, I'm not getting paid for it, and if anyone has a problem with it I might be a little saddened.
Today was a very productive math day, as mondays tend to be. I finished an ENTIRE practice final that was 50 problems long! That's 3 hours of studying, again. You know how hard I'm working at this? I cannot fail that damn final! And you know what I'm gonna do the day of? I'm gonna do what I always do on final days-- I'm gonna show up at 8 in the morning and study until my final at 5. Well, with breaks in between, definately.. but still! I'm gonna dedicate as much time as a possibly can to learning absolutely every little detail I have to know so that there are no surprises on that test. It might of defeated practically everyone else once, but it won't get me. : )
This weekend is going to be a lot of studying. I'm not getting drunk this weekend and I'm not intending on having a lot of fun. If possible, it'd be cool to see *someone* but I really don't want to push it. I haven't got many work hours this week, either. Tomorrow I work from 5-closing and then from 5-closing on saturday. That gives me a lot of free time to study for the oral exam, Japanese final and the math final. The Japanese final is scaring me, as always... I really don't understand this grammar very well because I haven't studied nearly as hard as I have in other quarters, probably because this math is so important to me. But I can do it. Having the patience I do and the endless fear of failure, I can continue to cram.
Man, what was I taking this time last year? Japanese I, uhhmmm... wow, I can't remember anything else I was taking last fall. I think maybe that stupid Speech essentials class? That sounds about right. Last winter was way, way more memorable than last fall. It's hard to believe how far I've come in Japanese and how hard I've worked in the past year. I feel like I am ready for university level classes.
That makes me think though, the people that leave to a university right out of highschool without taking any community college credits... I bet so many people have RUDE awakenings when they figure out how hard college level classes are in comparison to highschool, and on top of the stress of moving out on their own. . . I really couldn't imagine and I'm glad I didn't take that road, even though I guess I never really had the option too.
I need to dye my hair. I haven't dyed it in ages and it's starting to look this sort of orangey brown. Like, I look like a total redhead in certain lights. I don't particularily like how I look redhead, it makes imperfections come out. I am thinking dark brown with blonde streaks. A lot of people are saying all over blonde, but I don't want to damage my hair to that extent. I've already got split ends, and they're just bound to fry if I do blonde. I need a trim pretty bad, too. I just can't spend too much money because of the holidays and the fact that my hours at rite aid are awful; I'm not gonna be making too much money. I'm gonna get a box dye at Sally's and have my mom do it, works like a charm every time. My mom is fantastic at dying hair. Cutting though, ehh no I leave that to the professionals. But I dread going to the salon because I'm always afraid they're going to say all of my hair is split ends and they need to cut almost all of it off for it to look any good. The back of my hair is always sort of a rats nest, and I avoid looking at it...
PEOPLE LIKE MY VIDEO! woohoo.
