When your first crush gets married..

Talk about a weird feeling. .

I mean it's not like I didnt expect it because he's Mormon. It seems like all the Mormons I graduated with are getting married recently; which is cool, I am I guess you could say "in love with love." I love the idea of a "happily ever after."

It's just when I got an invitation to his wedding something hit me. Not jealousy nessasarily because I haven't talked to him in years. It was something different. A weird combination of sadness, happiness, nostalgia and enlightenment is the best way I can describe it. 

I'm happy he's happy but seeing the picture of him and his fiance in loving embrace made me feel envious and sad for some reason. Like why haven't I felt that, I want to feel the sense that who I'm with is right for me.. both emotionally and physically. For years I wanted him more than anything but because he's LDS knew it was impossible and by the time I hit highschool gave up and forgot about it. I guess the rush of emotions seeing that made me tell my mom while we were watching some crime documentary. .

"Yea.. I don't think I can make that...."

And she responded "yea, Mormon weddings can be long. I'll make them a pillow as a gift." And that was the last we talked about it. And this is the last i'll talk about it on this blog.

Im happy for those people that are truly happy at my age. Really I am. I'll just keep praying its on my own road someday.

Peace.

Love is a tragedy. All that I have, all that I'll ever need ...

Is right here inside

Let the winds of freedom be my guide

(Jeff Loomis. Reminder to myself to start paying attention to incredible guitarists again)

Afternoon readers.

Lately I've had a lot of time to think (like that's something new), successfully returning my psyche to a productive equilibrium of not having my "heart" distract me and make me sad. That's the only way I can put the feeling I have when someone comes into my life seeming totally into me which gets my hopes up but then disappears for whatever reason. It's always a painful experience to go through that lingers with me a week or two after it happens.


This has happened to me twice this summer which has made things like being motivated to look for a job, practice guitar, etc... much harder than they've had to be because of underlying anger, confusion and depression. And at this point in my life the anger and confusion is not directed toward anyone else because it's so easy for me to read and understand why other people do what they do.

I get angry at myself for having any desire to be with another person and letting it make me sad what so ever. I get confused at why luck continues to be serially dreadful that this aspect of my life even if I know I'm very attractive, talented, funny, driven, intelligent, fun loving, adventurous, active... Which should be enough to make me happy!! There's no fucking reason for me to be "depressed" anymore. At 22 I've already accomplished sooo much of what I envisioned myself doing as a child/insecure teen and need to learn to be happy that my talents, intelligence and success will only skyrocket from here if I continue to be this self motivated trying to fill this hole in my life.


It's been two weeks since being let down by a guy who I'd been talking to who I thought was over his ex but apparently wasn't. When I realized that I didn't bother questioning it, especially when I know this particular girl went gone through nearly as much bullshit I did with Jack to get this guy. You know I'll admit I find this guy attractive too and when I found they'd been broken up for a year I thought what the Hell, but after a week of flirting and getting to know him suddenly it's obvious they're back together and in love and everyone's happy.

Good for them, you know. Good for every fucking girl I know that was once lonely and now their dreams have come true and everything's so perfect. I'm so happy for you all.

But more importantly I'm happy with myself and could give a shit about your happiness. I realize now I could die tomorrow and feel I've done all I could do at this point to make myself the best person I could be and that's all I can ask so I won't compare what I have to anyone else.

...I'm gonna go practice guitar for a few hours.... sorry for the language you guys. Had a lot to get off my chest but I truly am feeling content again. Having nobody on your mind does that to you. I'm also happy to say I got a job at Little Caesers and will start working there on the 28th.

peace. 

Things are looking up.

Today was a pretty good day.

Even if I'm getting really nauseous for some reason and I'm wondering if I'm getting sick. There's something going around, Allie told me she was feeling nauseous and hadn't felt like eating lately and I can relate. I had a big dinner tonight of a fried chicken breast and mashed potatos. I didn't even care, I was feeling so optimistic because I literally felt happy today for the first time in two weeks.

I'd texted Allie last night asking if she'd had plans for lunch. She said she didn't and we ate together in this side dining area called... Hogue I think, that I didn't even know about. It was a buffet style side of the SURC that served a bunch of stuff. I only got a vegetarian plate of stir fried veggies because I had already eaten a little something at home. I was too hungry to wait until 1:00 after econ got out at 10:30.

Anyway I really enjoyed talking to Allie. She's very sweet, a great listener, and asks more questions than a lot of people I've met. Like she seems genuinely interested in what I had to say. I found it hard to not go on and on about my struggles with Central and feeling isolated here. I didn't want her to think I was socially inept or something and that's why I'm in this predicament.

She seemed to understand. In fact, she has been through some similar stuff-- wanting to get out and try things  but hasn't had anyone to do it with. We talked about clubs, a few of which I got the information for this morning. We're considering joining a Christian group together. It's funny, I'd initially mentioned it jokingly and then she's like, "Would you ever want to go to one of those? I didn't want to go alone." I was like, "Oh yea definitely  let's go sometime." Ha ha ha.

I would really like to go to a bible study group before I would make a transition to go to church. Never in my life have I actually studied the bible so I need help to figure out where to start and it's much less intimidating to have someone my age show me than a much older person.

I haven't smoked in two days. I haven't wanted too, at all. I'm proud of myself for this reason. Initially I wasn't even trying to stop but now that I've come to the realization that smoking was half of my problem when it comes to this anxiety I don't want it. I did go through a little anxiety today in my economics class but nothing significant.

One day at a time. I just have to keep telling myself that this anxiety will be something I will fight to overcome  every day. I refuse to give up. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, harder than years of depression even. I feel like having a friend here will help things.

Okay I've got my first economics test tomorrow and have some material to go over.


peace. 

Just pushing forward.

Well today's been pretty good, academically that is. I think I did well on my Legal midterm.

I am a little frustrated with myself at the moment though. I texted Jed earlier and he did reply but our conversation ended on sort of an awkward note when I told him I'm never really on the loop with parties. He'd told me he partied this weekend. I made myself look like a hermit. Excellent.

But it really isn't *that* far from the truth. It's always been true that I would much rather hang out with just one or two people then a huge group of people. Actually to be honest hanging out with two people even makes me feel awkward if I'm the one that's hosting. I don't mind groups that much when I'm not hosting, like I am friendly enough that it's not bad.. But when I'm the host of a large group of people (like that party I had, for instance), I was completely unable to relax.... then by 12:00 I literally wanted the party to be over and everyone to go home.

Little embarrassing, but hey, everyone had a good time... Except Jessika, who left after acting completely ridiculous and making faces at everyone.

No panic attack today, which is good because I would have been especially nervous if I had one today... My chest has still been bothering me but now it's mainly just my sternum instead of my breasts. This stress has sucked but believe it or not I've been doing really well on my schoolwork. I'm beginning to think my source of stress is more due to Jed, the fact that I didn't do anything for halloween, feeling slightly socially isolated, being sick... A lot of things.

Russell Alan of Symphony X. 

I had felt some major stress in my accounting class today that nearly led to a panic attack. Walking home I turned on "Heretic" and the beginning guitar riff shot straight into my soul. I felt so relieved of all the tension I'd been feeling earlier in the day. 

Metal helps me so much. Due to my chest pains I haven't been practicing as much as I really should. This week I only practiced about an hour a day and barely did much as far as new material goes. I've just been working on Sultans and Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid but I haven't been playing with the guitar pro program so I'm not making as much progress as I probably could be. Most of the time I don't want to play with the program, though, because I'd rather watch TV and chill out.

I'm just tired.... I'm not going to text Jed saying goodnight or anything. He's busy with homework anyway and probably doesn't want to be bothered by me. I'd really like to someday like a guy that I don't feel like I'm bothering. He was out partying all weekend.... Having a great fucking time. I hate partying. I hate shots and slutty girls. I hate hookups, beer, all of it. I want to stay as far away from it as possible because all it does is drag me into that hole of hopelessness. Because nothing good comes out of hookups, yet I'm convinced that's what almost all guys my age want so it's sort of a hopeless effort for me to try to make anything work.

I just sort of wait patiently for things to change. It bothers me lately especially because I've felt a bit of weakness and would really just like to have someone there. I think this thing with Jed has also been hard because been trying to hold up this wall I have against having emotions toward someone... I just don't want to get hurt again, and because I feel myself really getting to like this one and knowing he doesn't want a relationship makes me feel insecure about what I say... Like I feel like if I somehow were to "Suggest" something he would take it the wrong way and never see me again. I'm sick of it, everything else in my life is going perfect in regards to everything I'd always imagined so why can't I just be happy, relax and let things come as they will...

Because life has never been like that for me.

peace.