I don't think about love very often. When I do it's typically when I'm stuck walking alone, not playing my guitar and without my head in a book...
When I do though I must write about it, otherwise it sits like a bad taste in my mind and disturbs anything else I'm trying to accomplish. I sometimes wonder how long it could possibly be like this.
Cheers. Here I am today, 11:55 am looking a little winded after walking back from the library.
I studied there for an hour and a half.
It's not like I don't know I'm beautiful, as lame as that sounds to say. I used to be insecure about my looks because I thought that was one of the main problems but over the past couple years I've come to realize that looks isn't it at all. I don't let my body become an excuse either, as I work out nearly every day and I'm in the greatest shape I've ever been right now. So looks in itself is not the problem, if I met a guy that I was attracted too I feel I'd have a pretty good shot at it, even if he's a "Tyler F." (bah haha, that's kind of a joke, Tyler F. was this guy I crushed on all through elementary and middle school and I always thought I wasn't pretty enough to get him. In reality, it probably more had to do with my incredibly insecure behavior and social awkwardness at that age)
It's also not like I don't have guys that are attracted to me. I get lots of comments from admirers on facebook, not like this is something to brag about, guys comment tons of pictures saying girls are hot, but I've honestly had a lot of people tell me they think I'm "Beautiful" so I'm willing to start believing it, so I know that guys DO like me and would want to date me if they had the opportunity.
The fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years more has to do with MY choices, almost all of which were bad ones (but hey you learn from your mistakes). My main problem is that I'm not attracted to many guys so when I do find one that I'm attracted to I'm willing to push aside ALLLLLL of the things that bother me. Suppress the bad, try to think about the good. It never works, I end up finding these faults that bother me and cut things off.
I know what it feels like to be satisfied in a relationship because I have briefly a couple times in my life. Thinking way back to when I was sixteen, Connor and I clicked and had a pretty good run. He was obsessed with something I didn't understand at the time so that ended up driving us apart.
But the time that we actually spent together was pretty good-- we'd hold hands in public (DUN-DUN-DUN!!!), he didn't mind bringing me around people (I actually met a lot of people because of Connor), didn't act like I was an inconvenience to him and actually LIKED having me around. We'd have good conversations. I have not had any kind of relationship like this in five years now.
Which is why I'm so numb. Why I don't have faith in anything and just live each day for the absolute fullest alone because that's all I've got. Because I can't sit here and act like nothing is wrong because it is always sort of a void that lingers there and bothers me from time to time. Love should be important to everyone but for me it's an inconvenience at this point in my life.
Because I look around here and there's nobody. Not one guy-- except for Jason, but I initially wasn't even that attracted to him and he had to grow on me with his intelligence before I found him sexy in the slightest, that I've seen that was particularly attractive and thought, "Hey, I would LOVE to go out of my way to talk to that guy and perhaps hopefully start texting." The thought has not even crossed my mind. I don't think this makes me a shallow person, it's just nobody wants to be with someone they're not attracted to and it's really hard for me to find someone that I would want to be with for that reason.
You might think, how is that even possible? To be honest, I don't know. I wish I did. I am going to try to create, right here and now, where my definition of attractive seems to lay...
My Honest Standards
Disclaimer: Personality is the absolute most important factor to ever consider when you're deciding if you want to be with someone. I would never be with an idiot, stupidity makes people extremely UNattractive, yet another reason why it's hard for me to find someone even relatively close to what I'd find ideal in a man.
1. Must be 5'7 or taller.
And if they are 5'7 need to be pretty good looking for me to even consider it. I like taller guys, period. There's not very many of these around here, in fact I've never seen more short guys in one place than I've seen at Central this year. (short= as tall or shorter than me)
2. Must not be fat or badly out of shape.
I'm not attracted to fat guys at all, period. I take extremely good care of my body and would expect whoever was dating to have the discipline to work out on his own, it shows that he actually cares about his physique too. It seems like so many guys just plop themselves in front of the couch all day playing video games and their body and features become doughy and ugly.
3. I prefer brown or black hair.
I've only been completely attracted to one blonde, that guy I met that one time at the Toyota Arena. He was GORGEOUS, I was so disappointed when we never talked again. So some blondes are okay, but generally speaking I like dark hair.
4. Slender facial features
Nice jaw line is always a plus.
Period. Everything else is personality and intelligence.
just a couple examples that fall within this range....
Here's a picture of a guy that I would think is extremely attractive.
Again I'm not saying he'd HAVE to look like this, it's just always been hard for me to pinpoint what I like because I like so few.
Jay, the only guy I was really attracted to from the tri cities for the past two years or so. Notice he has all of the features listed above. I thought there'd be more Jay's in college but there's definitely not around here.
Knowing my own standards has made it dawn on me that there's a good chance I could be alone for a very long time. I refuse to fall below my standards because I don't want to be with someone that I'm not physically attracted to at all. It's really frustrating in a way and has been a major disappointment about coming to Central. I'm not saying I was expecting to have met someone by now but I was expecting to at least see ONE guy aside from Jason that I thought was.... well, hot.
Maybe after graduation if I'm still single I'll move down to California. ....Yuck.