Today nothing really out of the ordinary happened until about 5 minutes ago.
I checked my portrait page and had gotten a message from a girl who I've actually wanted to draw for quite awhile-- perhaps because I knew for a fact she's not a fan of me which makes it slightly more fun but also because she's slightly exotic looking. She asked I do a picture of her sons but because one of them is a newborn and the only available photo to me was from June I realized I'd have to receive more input before I start this project.
This was the only picture I could access of her son (likely because we're not friends on facebook. Lol which is fine like I've said before I don't expect everyone to like me or be my friend, that's not how the world works)
Anyway, I'm personally stoked as heck I'm drawing her with an actual request!! Had it been otherwise I would have felt the pressure of the fear of her calling me out as a creeper because I'm pretty sure she hasn't liked me for a long time. Why? It could be any number of things. When I look back on middle and highschool that we all went through and how we acted toward one another I wouldn't be surprised if I said something offensive. I think about the insecurities I felt at that age and how some things that people would say that would stick in my mind for hours or even days afterward contemplating what it meant-- and who knows if that person meant anything by what they said!
Regardless of whether or not she likes me I always thought she was an interesting person. In middle school she was in the honors English classes with me as well as took Mr. Zorn's class in 6th and 8th grade with the 30 or so notorious "smart kids" from my class. She was new at school that year and was sharp and outspoken from day one. She was of course very popular because she was new as well as confident. I remember she was the first one in our class daring enough to wear those 80's style leggings. . . .
Yup, definitely an interesting person that I remember going to school with very well. Though we've never been "bffs" (ha ha ha) I'm stoked as Hell to draw this pic tomorrow, going to be fun.
I also got a request from James L. who wants a drawing of him as Superman. This drawing is going to be EPIC and I plan to do it here in the next few days too. These are drawings that I'm very inspired to do right now but as my page gets more hits I'm getting more and more requests that have been sitting on a list or in a pile for months...
That being said the only way I can give priority to people that really want drawings is by charging a small fee for my time. I'm going to charge $15 and have people send cash by mail I think.. I'd rather not deal with the online payment bullshit. Anyone can stick some cash in an envelope.
I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to write and have to stop to do something.
Today is Saturday. I'm working at 2 pm which means I've got some time to practice guitar this morning and what not. Days that I have to work tend to be more productive because it motivates me to not sleep in because it puts me in a better mood to have accomplished things before I go. Anyway lets talk about what's been going down in my life lately.
Not much has changed between Jared and I since he returned to work. After we'd hung out I had wondered if he'd continue to be as interested in me as I was in him after that night and I felt happy that meeting didn't make him reconsider. We have been texting and snapchatting off and on for the last couple weeks. Jared always tells me about the crazy shit he does and the military has him do to maintain his physique and become a killing machine if nessasary (10 mile runs, hours of target practice, etc...).
Anyway he sent me a text a couple days ago saying he was going to be MIA for two weeks because he's going to be guarding potential world detonation machines and isn't allowed to have his phone. I won't lie, not being able to talk to him at all is going to be a bummer and test my patience a little bit. But at the same time I know that this is what I signed up for having feelings for someone in this line of work and I should just be happy he's still in Washington and not shipped off to Hell somewhere. He's too handsome, smart and sexy to have his head blown off in Afganistan, you better keep him here God damnit (lol, but seriously...)
Alright enough about Jared. Let's talk about work and some of my new friends a little bit.
Me and Kayla W. have become pretty good friends this summer! Ha ha I never realized how much we had in common until I hung out with her a few times and saw some of her badass interests. First of all she has a great taste in music. She's also the type that likes to listen to music a lot which I think is admirable. She listens to all kinds of badass old rock like Rush, Pink Floyd, Rob Zombie, The Doors... She also likes to watch the same cartoons that I do. The Simpsons is listed on her top TV list on facebook and my Dad just gave me this Simpsons drawing book which I've got really no use for. I'll probably give it to her if she wants it.
Last Sunday I also had a good time hanging out with Brianna and her friends (almost all coworkers at Little C's) at Justin's mom's place in Richland. Being able to hang out with and get drunk with some of the girls from work was cool because I got a chance to get to know everybody in a relaxed scene versus while we're all trying to step over eachother to get stuff done at work.*
*Since I've just started my boss has been scheduling me when there's enough people that there's not a huge amount of pressure on me to be speedy. Now that I'm getting better at my job it occasionally seems like there's too many people trying to accomplish the same goal and I end up doing busy work like washing the dishes and scrubbing furniture to ensure they don't send me home early.
I know they're doing their best with hours and I wholeheartedly appreciate just having the job as it is but unfortunately because I'm the newest my head is on the chopping block first when they get slow and start sending people home. That being said I'm probably only getting about 10-12 hours a week and need to start looking for a second job when I get home today. Right now is a really good time to be applying because a lot of people are leaving their part-time jobs for school or whatever.
I'd still really like to get a job at the Conoco in Benton City. I know they've got students leaving and they said they would keep my resume on file so I'll try to drop by before work this morning and let them know I'm going to be around until January. This is for sure now.
I finally got the courage to drop those three classes on my "perfect" schedule-- I say perfect because I was signed up for the best combination of professors: Finally getting a spot in Tenerelli's not impossible Finance 370 class and Human Resources with Avey who's won awards. But it's just not gonna happen this Fall and maybe if I'm lucky I can take them in the Winter or Spring.
The good news is however that I'm going to be taking Cost accounting online in the Fall so I'll be better prepared for Finance 370 when the time comes... That way if I DO get stuck with Young "the anal orifice" I'll be waaay more prepared this time. Because a Finance class is basically the same thing as cost accounting class, but requires arithmetic and doesn't give very thorough explanations of the concepts because they assume you already know. This cost accounting class with help solidify these concepts and give me working knowledge for working for the State auditor next summer.
So yeah, regardless of that fact that I'm still going to be living at home trying to master the perfect pizza crust I'll also be slaving over my accounting book and taking these babysteps every day to continue toward my major goals.
I'm hoping this is the last night in awhile that I have to stay up especially late to study and then wake up the next morning early to study more because it's bad for my health and sleep patterns.
I had to stay up late because I hadn't been particularly proactive about it earlier in the day, feeling kind of depressed and unmotivated after the slow, uneventful weekend I'd had. I did realize yesterday night however that my texts were being blocked on my phone somehow... So on Friday night when I was complaining about how I wasn't getting responses from anyone that was the reason why. I was surprised to have gotten a response from Kala after not hearing from her in over a month.
So on Saturday night I got bombarded with all these texts that had been sent to me on Friday, including from Mike H. who I was considering hitting up to grab a beer with but didn't hear back from him. Oh, funny side note on this, I hadn't been getting my texts from Terry and I received about 5 of them from him first asking how I did on the tests and then sent texts like "Wtf? Lol" when I wouldn't respond and then later like "????" Like oh shit, she might be actually mad this time. I did get a text back from Kala saying it was her. Note at this point last night I was sitting around drinking beer playing sims at around 10 pm.
Excited to hear back from her I'm like 'Hey whats up?' you know, 'What are you doing? Haven't heard from you in awhile, I've still got that hat that was left in my car..." And she sends back this vague response like "Yea I need that hat back, my address is apt blahblahblah"... Not like hey, maybe I'll see you sometime and get that hat back from you. I just felt like it was a complete brush off thing.
And again not having gotten a response back from Allie in over a month (the last text I'd sent her was over Thanksgiving weekend, and I know I'd texted her the previous two weekends and didn't get responses either. Obviously I didn't bother last night) I feel like that's over.
So Terry and I met up to study at like 6 pm in the library and he asked what I ended up doing last night (at which point I began trying to brainstorm a lie of something interesting) and didn't bother and just said "I got drunk and played video games." He kind of cracked up, "Alone?" I'm like, "Yeah, I got a couple invites from guys that I declined..." He said why, like why not. "Because if you let guys buy you drinks they get the wrong impression. Last night I would have rather gone to a bar with a girl and was unsuccessful."
He just said kind of remorsefully "Oh..." It's funny, I'm happy to know that even if Terry and I give eachother shit relentlessly he's emotionally intelligent enough that see when I'm actually going through something difficult and not to throw gasoline on the fire.
Studying itself with Terry earlier was of course sort of useless so I had to do a lot of studying when I got home. I've got my money and banking final tomorrow (technically today...), wish me luck.
Friday night. Would I have liked to go out tonight? Yes. But I have no vehicle and though a couple guys asked me out to go drinking I declined. I really just want a girl to go out and have fun with. I texted Allie Thanksgiving weekend and she didn't reply, nor did she the previous times I'd tried. She has no facebook so that's it I guess.
Same thing with her friend Kala. I tried texting her and got no response... I'm sad to say I haven't seen either of them since halloween, November was a really boring month. I just feel like getting ahold of people around Ellensburg has become increasingly difficult for me.. like I'll text people and won't get responses, mainly girls.
So of course this makes me feel like shit as a person because it's like well what the Hell did I do when in actuality it could be any number of things, such as jealously, orrrr thinking I take myself too seriously, or their lives are too involved with their boyfriends to have any want/need to spend time with other girls. Or most of the their friends that are girls have been their BFFs for a long time.
I've been stuck in this social limbo.... Guys flirt with me a lot so I do get that kind of attention in my day-to-day life and on facebook but hanging out with them is a touchy situation because they think you're interested in them romantically. And even if they know that you aren't they will still try. And I'm flattered by that but I hate feeling like I'm rejecting someone's emotions toward me.. So I feel like that's been the majority of my social life here. Guys that hit me up, I hang out with them once or twice, then they realize I'm not interested that way and/or won't put out and will move on.Very few lasting friendships because they feel hurt by me.
So over the past month or so I really have put some effort meeting and talking to girls.. Like I met that girl Audrey that I thought seemed really cool and tried to meet up with her which didn't work out and haven't been able to get in touch with her since.
That being said I'm going to go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.. and try to get some work done, though one thing's for certain I have to get out of this apartment. I spent way too much time studying here and I really thought I'd be going out tonight and I'm feeling creepy....
Everything else that's actually important is going fine. I got an 85 on my econ test which raised my cumulative grade in the class to a 77 so that's a plus. Guitar solo is going really well and it's almost recital ready.
And I might be getting this beautiful guitar from my friend Michael E. for Christmas! Ahhh!
peace.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
I've got soo much on my mind right now. It's 12:30 pm, spent a little time BSing on facebook before I decided to write.
I worked until about 11:30 pm tonight. Kids was an absolute mess because of back to school shopping. I'm exhausted. No luck with findmores or credit apps today because I was more focused on trying to work as hard as I could to fix some of the havoc. I have no doubt that my coworkers are trying their hardest. It's just very difficult to keep up with people. I have recently developed a much better knack of locating items on the floor in childrens, which is a lot to remember when I'm trying to help maintain both fitting rooms. Blegh. Lots of running around. Which I like... I keep busy which makes the time go faster. I feel like I do help customers and they generally appreciate my help but I rarely push the credit cards or hassling people to buy shit online.
I saw a few really sweet kids today. A hispanic family walked up and their daughter said "You look pretty" just totally out of the blue. Their were wearing these little matching hair piece things that I'd said looked pretty too. There was also this super cute little blonde girl that came with her parents and her Dad's brother or something that looked about my age. She said "Hi!" to me just out of the blue and waved and I'm like "Hi how are you?" I'd mentioned the family because that guy that looked about my age knocked over a rack of skirts and actually helped me put it back up because the stupid screw wasn't working.
I don't know, in retrospect today was a very good day at work. It might have not been perfect in there when we left but I definitely worked as hard as I could and feel like I'm generally getting better at my job. Good news for me because I'm almost positive I'm going to be in kids for the rest of the month. I mean I realize now that they kind of need me there, I mean it needs help more than the downstairs does, so I just need to stop bitching about not working downstairs.
There. That's the last I will speak of it. I kind of groaned when I learned I was working upstairs today but I know now it's just for my own selfish reasons-- you know I just wanted to work with Katelynn, Angie, Chad, etc... That's not logical, it's just bullshit selfishness. Shame on me, lol.
Okay enough about work...
Texted Jay a little bit today. Well I got one text this morning in response to the one I'd sent him last night. I admit I do feel sort of awkward when I send him a text and I don't get a response at all.. like you know I'll double-read it like "Did that sound stupid?" Ha ha. But yeah I'm not worried about it because for all I know he might not even have a phone charger where he is. He's on a work trip all weekend doing construction, after an entire week of 5-day shifts.
\Here's Patrick, Janell, and Seth D. I've actually talked to Seth somewhat extensively because I was pretty interested in the cross country trip that they took. Jannell is dating Patrick, who worked with Katelynn at Wal Mart. Patrick's a pretty unique guy, I can appreciate his personality but we've never really connected so I've always thought of him more as an acquaintance than Seth who I feel is my friend.
I try not to think about Jay that much because it's dawned on me how weird it is that we're actually spending time together and don't know if it's going to last because of our previous experience. I honestly thought I had burned my bridge with him completely after texting him that day back like... last August before I moved out. I remember I'd been at Samantha's house that day. Jannell had come up in a conversation, who had just hung out with Samantha awhile earlier. Samantha and Jannell are pretty good friends, Jannell and Jay are also good friends... Me and Jannell however have never really clicked. Anyway when samantha had brought her up it had made me think about the previous radcon and how frustrated the second day had made me when he "bailed" and was raving about it to Jannell that night. Turns out he actually wasn't at the con that day because he was hungover, but I'd taken it like he was doing it to blow me off.
So I texted him all pissed off and was like "I heard you're a player" and yadda yadda ya... it was so stupid. He replied, "... what was the point of you sending me these messages?" lol...
I don't know now that I look back on it, it seriously sounds doesn't even sound like me. I have enough confidence that I'm a different person than I used to be to some degree. But I still think back to some of the things that Jay said to me when I was younger about how much my personality bothered him which still makes me think he's not going to stick around long. So I try not to think about it either way and just let things roll. But yeah, of course I have to write everything out to make sense of my thoughts lately.
...Is how long it takes for a guy to not talk to you for you to realize that he's not interested in continuing contact more than likely. At least in previous experience that's what I've found... like if you text a guy and he doesn't text you back and it's been 4 days that usually means it's a done deal. The only exception to that is Terry because he'll text me once or twice a month.
I swear to God Terry only really hangs out with other men...
Terry has been making it seem like he wants to see me this week... Like he's sent me a couple texts saying I "should come up there this week." Well with an invite like that how could I say no! ...Kidding, honestly driving to Ellensburg to see Terry has been one of the last things on my mind this summer. With our history of poor communication and being around eachother only once or twice a month at school... I just figured there was no way that plan would be a plan we could actually execute. And it hasn't yet.
Eric doesn't seem to want to communicate with me because he hasn't talked to me at all for about 4 days now. I did text asking where he worked but he didn't respond so I'm just having a feeling he doesn't want to get to know me and that this was a 1 night thing (*"not a one night stand", just 1 night of being around this person). More than likely he's got a girlfriend or something, who knows. I know nothing about him really aside from what I saw on the outside, and the people I'd come to his house with seemed to barely know him either. Like Terrance went to highschool with him or something but they just seemed like acquaintances.
So yeah, that's been a little disappointing. I didn't mean to develop a crush like that but it has been sucking some of my motivation.
I did apply to office max today which is good. Got that taken care of and tomorrow I plan to hand deliver a few applications. I needed to take a day to rest today so I didn't. It's only 10' but I've already accomplished more than an hour of solid guitar practice and I'm going to make it an early night. I want energy tomorrow for getting these applications done.
I've had this awful mucus-y cough lately that makes me sound like a 90 year old smoker. This black girl that I work with at JCpennies told me to "cover my cough because diseases can spread around here." I know she's right but I feel like she doesn't really like me like most people I'm working with in my department which sucks.
I did get ahold of one of the nice managers at Office Max today and they have been reviewing applications for a new hire. I'm also planning on applying at Target tomorrow and maybe Craft warehouse. I don't know if there's a Staples in the tri cities but I could apply there too. All these places seem like totally reasonable, easy minimum wage cashiering jobs with way less stress than what I've been dealing with now.
I like this pic of Sam, she posted it today
I would love to work at office max because I'd be there with Samantha who's never caused me stress in my life. I rarely see her anymore so it'd be awesome to work together. Lol I'd love if she was the one to show me how to do everything at work. The training there shouldn't be as confusing as all the bells and whistles on JCP's system.
Granted I didn't study economics or stats outside of class today... So I'll have to do that after I finish this blog for sure. I've been putting it off because I've needed to talk to someone but haven't been able to get through to my parents. Tonight I called Ashley briefly but the line kept cutting out so she could barely hear me. I'm getting sick of this apartment for that reason alone.
Me and Jack just aren't talking now because he hasn't responded to me or let me know why he's not responding to me for about two weeks now so like evvvvvery other time of course I texted him about it. The 4 year cycle continues.
There's nothing anyone can do to bring me down right now, I refuse to let anyone's actions toward me have any effect on that anymore. I have everything I need now except for friends in Ellensburg, unfortunately.
I mean I guess I know people here. I've certainly had many interesting conversations on the fly and asking them questions, but I rarely actually hang out with people I meet here. I met this really cool guy named Daniel M. that's in a couple of my classes that I was really hoping to hang out with (we did once and it was totally chill) but his best friend acted really cold toward me and all of a sudden he didn't want to be my friend anymore.
His friend is Sasa who's been sitting next to me in econ all quarter but I didn't talk to him until today on facebook. He's surprisingly a lot nicer than I expected, like he has a way of acting really passive toward people but once I got to talking to him I hope that we can be friends.
I just wish I had more people that I could call up and chill with. I don't feel like I have much of that here. I definitely don't blame it on my location, though. Because I realize now that it'd be like this wherever I went. My independent nature keeps me happy this way but it also makes me sometimes feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things.... but if I spent my nights hanging out at people's house's drinking, kicking it or playing video games all year I wouldn't be half as good on guitar as I am now. I sacrificed even attempting to have a social life at the beginning of the year because of it but it's gradually gotten better. Meeting people in business classes where you never say boo to anyone can be a challenge.
Sipic and I talked on the way out of class today and he asked me what major I was doing and whether or not I'd registered for my classes. I'm like uhh not quite yet (note that registration started today) and he's like, "Welllllll you better get on that then" in his accent (ugh, lol he laughed today when we were talking too it was awesome). I told him that I'd had a basic idea but that I didn't know for sure yet.
Later this evening I tried registering for my classes and it wouldn't let me on. I sent Sipic a message about this and he sent me a super prompt reply on what he thinks I should do. Ha ha I'm taking his public finance class in the fall, really excited to be taking another one of his classes. That's two of three professors that I'll be taking again next quarter but honestly this has been my best quarter academically yet and if it's not broke don't screw it up.
Anyway he basically informed me that I'll be able to have some of my credits double-counted and only have to take one additional class to get a minor in economics. Cool!!
I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.
Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.
It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...
I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time (...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)
Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.
And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.
It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.
Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.
I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.
This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer.
I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real.
...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me!
And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too.
OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!!
Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.
My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over.
But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc...
One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself.
Enjoy this music. A guy at the computer store was listening to this, great ambient for studying!
Today was a good day for a number of reasons, even if I can't help but be slightly saddened that my break is over. I got my computer back up and running for about $250. Spotify is working again and my computer is running faster than ever. I plan to take better care of it this time.
My friend and I didn't talk for two days but I got a text from him today so that was nice. I thought he wasn't talking to me because the first couple times we hung out it was slightly awkward. I'm happy to have found someone that can understand me similar to what I feel Katelynn did. He is very intelligent. Filling the void emotionally from what I lost when I lost Katelynn has been something that I'm surprised has been resolved so quickly.
I didn't end up getting my books or anything like that set up. That's a first day of classes thing, anyway. I am just going to bring my 5-subject notebook. I've been asking God to help me get more efficiency is a human being. I notice that my thought process is often stubborn and makes me do things in an order that I think would be "easiest to hardest" or the most enjoyable in comparison with what is the most efficient route. For instance, in the grocery store I make a list and find each item individually in the order of the list to get a better walk and really look around. Most people would find this incredibly silly and inconvenient. Granted I don't stick to the list perfectly OCD style, but I do take many trips around the store in circles.
Living on my own has made me more efficient with chores because they are becoming more of a hassle. One of the last days that Katelynn and I spent together it literally took me two hours to do the dishes in my house. I'm not even joking. I was so grossed out by the accumulation of a day and a half of dishes in our house that I had to prioritize which were the dirtiest. Plus I was snacking and making MORE dishes.... Going to the store is no longer so fun for me and I just want to get my stuff and get out. I bought a few things at Fred Meyer the other night when I thought I didn't actually have school until NEXT Monday. Err.... luckily I scrolled down the facebook wall and someone had posted about it. I then texted Trent and got that confirmed. He's like "Uh duh!"
He can't criticize too harshly because I've been without the internet for a good portion of this month. My computer crashed around the 5th or so. Honestly I haven't played much more but I did pay more attention to the intricate detail of my pieces when I wasn't working with the computer screen in the background. I did use youtube on my phone, which was all I really needed to stay sane. I watched episodes of educational reality shows that have leaked onto the internet from the BBC.
Alright, tomorrow I have a long day, better get to sleep!
I'm feeling very good today. Why? Because I found something else I enjoy. I can honestly say I am going to really enjoy my economics class this quarter. I just read the second chapter that talked about the major differences between the command and market systems. The command system is otherwise known as socialism or communism-- just like North Korea and the increasingly Capitalist China. America's market system explains why self interest and competition is what drives the advancement of society as a whole. Our market freedom enables us to grow and change in a land of unlimited wants and limited resources.
In North Korea, the government mandates what will be produced, how the resources will be acquired, what consumers will have access to these products, and who will distribute the products. Imagine if the United States government tried to regulate the millions of products in the market system today-- it would be impossible. These are jobs that are best suited for the individual.
Communism tries to rely on the government for every decision. Personal freedom to advance and create is stripped from the individual in order to better conform to the group. Freedom to be an individual in the United states is something we truly take for granted. Thank God for the brave soldiers in World War II that literally saved the world from the spread of communism-- which has now proved to be an outright failure.
I don't mean to get too excited about this class this early on (as I've only had the class two days now) because opinions are often subject to change after the first test. However I will say I have a great feeling about it. The professor is really awesome too. His name is Dr. Carbaugh, he's probably about in his mid to late 60's. He's extremely attentive to students and flexible to their needs. I can tell he truly cares about his students and wants us to do well.
My economics class is in the same room as my accounting class last quarter, though I don't feel the same kind of stress that I felt entering Holtfreter's class. Holtfreter cared about his students, too, but he wasn't entirely straightforward on certain things that kept us on our toes 24-7. Carbaugh told us there will be absolutely no "pop quizzes" or anything unexpected. That alone makes me happy. I still plan to read ahead though because I actually enjoyed the first two chapters of the textbook.
Oh!! Talking about this class reminds me... I met someone! Her name is Julie I believe, I suck at names. Maybe she just looks like a Julie... She does kind of remind me of Julie P. in some ways. She has dark hair, pretty cute face, and she mainly wears thick rimmed glasses. She's very "nerd chic" I guess you could say. I might get a different impression as I get to know her better.
Anyway, we now sit next to eachother in two of our classes and she gave me a tour around Kamola hall! She's like "OH YEA it's haunted!" which cracked me up. You guys might remember an earlier entry where I talked about how Kamola Hall is supposedly haunted because a girl committed suicide back in the 1940's. Well she confirmed it, stating that her roommate flipped out when half a bagel she was eating mysteriously flew across the floor.
I've also recently got in touch with Eli, the girl I was originally considering living with at the beginning of the year. I had met her at orientation but we lost touch after she said she had another roommate that she had prior plans with. It was fine all and all because I found my roommate easily. Living with Kristin has been great because I've felt like I've lived completely on my own for the past 4 months. Oh my gosh, this is crazy, Kristin has a friend over. This is the first time this has ever happened. They sound exactly the same, lol I'm tempted to walk out just to see what her friends look like but I look super icky today. I've been smoking, my hair's a wreck, no makeup... And I don't want to bug her at all, lol. She never bugs me.
Ha ha, just another funny blurb before I go. I keep on waking up at 5:00 in the morning thinking Miranda is going to be in my room meowing at me to flush the toilet. I suddenly realize I'm back at school and go back to sleep.
For the first time on a Wednesday I didn't feel completely lost in my classes... except for Math, the way that he's teaching us functions has me completely lost, and by the looks of it half the class is in the same boat. He actually called on me today saying, "You don't get it." Why do professors always read that on my face?
Here's what's on the menu this upcoming week:
-Accounting test on Monday
-Ch. 5/6 test due Tuesday for law (I'll get this done easily)
-Have the ability to not only understand functions but be able to graph them. That's going to be an absolute nightmare.
So right now obviously accounting should be the first priority but really this weekend is going to focus more on getting caught up on math. I absolutely cannot get behind on this because Montgomery goes FAST and I need to be on top of what he's saying to pass that class. I don't consider my first test grade much of a success because he's going to have tests semi-regularly now and the material is going to get harder and harder five days a week. It's not like Accounting and law where I have a day.
Ideally, this weekend I'd like to study about five hours a day. That's what I've been doing lately, 3-5 hours and I've been keeping up pretty well. It's a full time job, I'm lucky if I even have time to play guitar.
This weekend I'm going to have lunch with Reina, maybe going to movie night with Sarah H. and *maybe* jamming with this one guy I met named Adam and his bassist. The later two depend on how much work I've gotten done for the day.
Love has been bothering me a lot lately. Today this really sweet Thai girl that's in my accounting class asked me if I had a boyfriend and said that she couldn't believe that I didn't because I'm "so pretty." I really wish that dictated anything but it doesn't. Yeah, I guess it would increase my chances of a particular person that I'm attracted to being physically attracted to me back but does it actually increase my likelihood of finding someone that's right for me? No, probably not.
So I posted that picture shown above today to sort of show my depression/feeling of hopelessness about it lately. It makes me want to cry every almost every day at some point, even if everything else in my life is going well... It's a burden, and it's been getting worse, particularly in the evenings when I'm stressed out about classes and want someone to talk to.
I just try to fill that void in my life with the guitar, in some way it makes me feel loved because it's a daily reminder of how much I should love myself. Seriously what person is f*cking crazy enough to play the guitar three hours a day for five months straight until she knows how to shred? Apparently I am, and I'm happy to carry that title that I've still been playing for less than a year. Imagine how good I'll become if I stay single for another year (hahaha). That really has been the good that's come out being alone has been truly finding my own identity at such a young age. I don't have many questions about who I am, what my plan is in life, what strengths and weaknesses are... Not very many 21 year old's can say the same.
I'm starting to realize how many coping devices my mind has found to deal with these feelings these past couple years. My excessive studying, my three hours of guitar playing, my exercising... All of it boils down to wanting a HIGHER self worth, trying to improve so that I don't care if I have anyone or not. All I need is me. And it's worked, I look back in 2011 when I used to get completely disrespected by men and I'd put up with it because I didn't think I deserved any better.
But I've found there really is no way of making your mind completely stop thinking about it, no matter how much you try to suppress it, because it's not natural. There's something instinctively that drives us to find companionship in another human being, and when you don't have it for a certain amount of time your mind begins to bother you until you go out and make some stupid mistake (like settling for someone) just to feel loved again.
And that's what I've tried to avoid more than anything with the guitar is to stop needing it to the point that I would settle for someone else. I've set my standards at a certain place and refuse to deter from them because it would be a waste of time. That, and, after being single for two years I'd like to wait until I find someone that actually has potential to become "love."
Because I've never been in love. I've certainly been attracted to guys, I've dated, been in some relationships (most of which I couldn't say improved my life but actually caused MORE problems/stress/depression that I was HAPPY when it was over).. but I've never been in love.
And it's hard.
It's painful.
It's distracting.
But there's nothing I can do about it and there's no end in sight.
I think the reason that it's bothering me now more than ever is because I've become so satisfied with the direction that my life is going that I feel like now would be the appropriate time for that aspect of my life to give me just a *little* satisfaction but I guess not yet.
And for that reason I fucking hate the phrase "It will come when you least expect it." because the longer you wait the more you want something good to happen.
That's all I really had to say. It was literally the first thing I thought of this morning and now I'm not going to let it be the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It's 8:05 pm, I think tonight I'll study an hour of math and play guitar, probably go to sleep around 11'. I'd say I've got a "big day of study" tomorrow but because it seems like every day is like that here. Still, because I have no plans other than my math class I'm shooting for six hours tomorrow.
Man it's Sunday, which means this next week will be... hmm, I want to say Week 3 of classes? Pretty sure that's what it is. I'll try not to get *too* excited about the four hours of business class I will endure tomorrow.
So get this I actually know the name of my stranger crush now. I woke up feeling pretty confident this morning and decided to add him on facebook, I mean we had seen eachother those few times and since I have over 1,000 friends on my list it's not that big of a deal.
..He doesn't accept friend requests OR messages from anyone. Is it because there's tons of creepy girls out there stalking out his page? I texted my friend about this and he said, "Yeah, *bleep* doesn't really use facebook so he only accepts messages from select people."
Well there you go. There's no way I could ever talk to this person unless I outright speak to him which I'm not gonna lie you guys, is not going to happen. I'm wondering if my friend has mentioned my asking about him.. probably not because this friend of mine probably doesn't want me talking to him because he initially liked me. It's frustrating, I feel very powerless in that aspect of my life and it's just an ongoing disappointment.
I might hang out with Alex S. one of these days. She said she doesn't do much other than school and I can certainly relate so I'm excited to spend time with her. This weekend I didn't actually go anywhere at all, it's a little depressing. But I've gotten a lot of work done so that's a plus...
New picture of me in glasses, I actually wear them quite a bit in class in comparison to my life outside of school. I really enjoy going to school when I'm on top of things. I guess that's how today was. The fruits of my efforts this weekend paid off, I was able to pay attention in all three of my classes indiscriminately-- without being too confused or frantic because "SHIIIIIT I READ THE MATERIAL BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANNNNYTHING...." That's sort of how it felt the second day of law class. Today was the third, things went MUCH better and I got my participation points FAIRLY-- by having solid answers. Boo-yah. I felt that was sort of a reward for the... probably eight hours of study I did this last weekend.
It cracks me up to think I was going to have some guitar lesson business. I plan to give Corey B. lessons, and whoever else happens to come to me about it, but I will not be advertising lessons anymore. Actually, I would take down those signs but since nobody has called I don't care. I assume they will take down the signs in a month or so anyhow. I've got too much work to do, and any free time I get here will be spent with friends once I find some. Eventually, these things will happen in time. I'm beginning acquaintances with some people. I should start briefly talking about them here to keep track of people I meet....
Natasha H., she sits next to me in Accounting 252. She was one of the first people I met because she came in a little late and was stuck sitting in the handicap desk next to mine (nothing against handicap people, it's just not the first desk people run for). She's really cool, laid back, we're all sort of helping eachother out in this collaborative learning situation... It's sort of bizarre, I've never been in a class like it.
The professor had us divide into groups on the first day, which is how I met Burnadette, this girl that sits next to me in my law class as well (well, starting today). She's really intelligent, prepared and laid back. She clearly reads the material and takes her studies seriously like I do so I decided she'd be a good person to be in a group with. She's got a really funny, dry sense of humor too. I'm pretty we're going to help eachother out this quarter.
My accounting class is two hours long and the professor only partially lectures. He's following a different classroom setup called the collaborative learning approach where we basically get into groups and review the homework together over the material that we read in the book. This would seem questionable to a lot of students because it might seem like this is just a good way for a professor to slack off, but I actually think it's more like the State requires this particular course to be taught in this backwards fashion.
When I went to CBC I took the equivalent accounting 102 course for a few days during Spring quarter (my last quarter) but ended up dropping it because I was feeling too lazy. But that managerial accounting class had the same format, the professor split us into groups and had us come up with team names. She could catch us off guard with questions so you'd have to be on top of your work all the time. Teams would get points and lose points for extra credit so there was an air of competition. She was like an Accounting Senora Schmick!
Makes me think I actually got off easy. My accounting professor has been teaching for 20 years so he's probably not entirely adjusted to these methods. At times he'll almost apologize for the way he's teaching it, like today he said-- "This is a special class, if you take a class like this you get hands on learning and it's very important." Like he's quoting some presentation that told him how he was supposed to teach the class. So in following this he really just breaks us into groups, we do worksheets, then discuss the problems in class. When he does lecture it's not bad, it makes sense but at times can get really redundant.
Four hours is a long time to pay attention to lectures, period. I walked back and forth twice today so my body is pretty exhausted on top of it. The business building seems soooo far away.
The guitar is becoming a weird second nature to me. I don't know if it's that I've improved to the point that it's that much more comfortable for long periods of time or that I've hit a wall and I'm no longer improving. No, I'd like to believe that if I continue to do these picking exercises and spend the amount of time practicing I'll continue to improve and not hit a wall.... The possibilities are endless really. What I AM saying is that I've hit a wall of knowing what I want to play. I wanted to upload phantom of the opera but it's still not clean/comfortable enough to upload to the internet. I'd still give that a few more weeks. Once I'm done with that I'm done with Iron Maiden on guitar, for GOOD. . . . well, until I learn some music from other artists.
Things sure have improved since my last birthday. I remember going over to Jessika B.'s house for the first time. This started the chain of sketchy scenarios with her throughout the next couple months. Anyway, long story short, ended up calling into work the next day because I was hungover and had a grand time with her almost certainly alcoholic, creep ass roommate. I will never.... again... I don't even know what I was thinking, seriously. Thank God I found the guitar, otherwise my self esteem might still be that low...
1 year 10 months!
That's how long it's been now since I've been in a official relationship! Can you believe it, that's nuts, almost two entire years now! It's okay, it's funny this last year I've gotten such a different perspective on the whole thing it doesn't bother me at all anymore. Actually, I've found I'm the most relaxed when I'm not really involved with guys at all. Jason and I are.... DONE. We pretty gracefully cut that off.
He first tried blowing me off. I asked him why we weren't talking and that the "no communication" was making me frustrated. I asked him what his deal was. He told me this wasn't the time to talk about it. No response from me. He told me he was no longer interested. I told him okay, I respect that, we're no longer dating. See you around my friend, nice talking to you. Goodbye.
THEN. He has the nerve to drunken text me that night. Ugh, so rude. Men need to learn some respect.
First of all, I need to pick out a small piece of something showy that I can use in a video promoting Jacob's business. Apparently my two videos weren't the correct format that he was looking for so I need to do the following:
-Play 20 seconds (something fast)
-State my name, how long I've gotten lessons with A Sharp Guitar School, and why I like it.
Done.
I just have to find what I'm going to play. He told me to choose something that I'm comfortable with but I think instead I'm going to find something new, like maybe I'll find a piece of Phantom of the Opera and really shred on it over and over today until it sounds good enough for the video. Maybe not today but sometime this week this has to get done...
I'm probably just going to hang out with Katelynn again today. I hung out with Samantha for the last time before I leave yesterday. It was a really nice time, we walked around shops like Leyte. I'm planning on making some fried noodles tonight with tempura, yum!
And back to my project....
Project Year Timeline
Age 17, 2008-2009 Last year of being wrapped up in highschool, failed relationships and becoming a true metalhead.
Junior year I sort of found my first concrete group with Robert, Skyler, Logan and Tyler. I'd always liked Robert from when I'd met him in middle school, I remember the first thing I said to him (when I was about 12) is that he "looked like the guy in System of a Down." I think I meant Daron Malakian at the time. Anyway, Robert invited me to Logan's on halloween and I started spending time with them both in and outside of school. We all took Spanish together.
Junior year was my peak with soccer, I remember doing really well that year even if our season wasn't fantastic. Marty played me a lot more, but because of my aggression I really only got significant chunks of playing time against teams like Naches, Connell, etc... I started to get a little more control than I did my sophomore year, but my passing and dribbling skills were still crummy. Actually they always were. My only real skill in soccer was the human shield factor, and it served it's purpose on many occasions.
I don't miss that part of highschool at all.
One memory that I AM quite fond of is having Calligraphy with Skyler F. We sat next to eachother at this extremely crowded table of David P. (who I honestly sort of had a crush on that year even if he was a sophomore), Drake J., Zach K. and Dwight R. It was a pretty difficult art class but we had a lot of fun doing lettering projects. I'm pretty sure Skyler and I were the only ones at the table that passed the class, the rest of them would spend more time screwing around than actually working... I wasn't very good at calligraphy itself at the beginning and really had to work at it to get it down. Still, the class was two hours long and we had a blast ripping on eachother, talking about music and joking around.
I also joined the art club this year and went on a field trip to Seattle, another one of my fondest memories. I spent a lot of time with Sitthinee and learned about Thai culture.
I went to my only prom my Junior year with Robert, Amy, Samantha and Shawn. This was before me and Sam were really friends, but I think I was *trying* to be her friend so I invited them along. I remember singing System of a Down in the car with Robert like a f*cking nut and it makes me a little embarrassed but it makes smile at the same time.
Prom was really, really fun. We had an awesome time and that dress was HOT, HOT, HOT.
I had the craziest tennis season Junior year because of the problems I had with Nicki. This picture might actually be from sophomore year because it was taken at the courts across from Wolfies... What made Junior year interesting is that those beautiful new courts were built so we ALL got WAY more practice time than we did waiting in line for others when we only had two courts.
I said things to Nicki that I really would never think to say to anyone... it was horribly mean and out of character for me but she was being a two-faced bitch and threatened my 1st spot, I felt a need to damage her psychologically to better my chances to get ahead. To be honest we were very neck in neck in our playing skills, Nicki worked hard... which made me work harder. I got lessons, practiced with Lindy as much as I could, then was able to maintain my position. Not with the help of the coaches, they hated me that year. I had no support from them, which was frustrating, and I couldn't even celebrate my wins without feeling guilty about it. The whole season was an emotional mind f*ck; I hated it.
Somehow I was able to come back the next year and completely kick ass, but Junior year was a huge struggle in tennis because of all the drama. I did have a lot of support from friends though, at the time I'm pretty sure I was hanging out a lot with Lindy, who was also on the tennis team and more than happy to rip on Nicki with me.
It's sad when I look back on it, just to let the reader know, I DID apologize to Nicki. Though it wasn't all one sided (she admits to being out of line in her behaviors that CAUSED me to act like this), I still felt extremely bad a couple years later and said I was sorry at RadCon this last year. She's okay, neither of us ever became big tennis stars (hahaha) and none of it ever mattered so I don't know why we let ourselves get so wrapped up in sports...
I guess they were the most important thing at the time, everybody wants some sort of glory from beating others. Again, don't miss sports.
Overall:
Looks:
I wore a LOT of Metal t-shirts that year, I guess probably more to impress Robert and Skyler and them than anything, it's like I really wanted to prove that "Yes, I like this music too, I'm one of you guys."
I took that friendship pretty seriously, you guys have to understand that I never really had any close friends in my class of 2010 so finding a group that was only slightly younger than me and didn't know my past very well gave me a chance to have a clean slate and really be myself. I could never be myself around my own class because they were very mean and exclusive toward me; it's like nobody in my class really seemed to like me enough to want to spend time with me, I gave up. Wearing the metal t-shirts, again, was like quietly taking a stand against them.
Work:
Babysat for Carmin and Chad. This was before Tori.
Skills:
I mainly focused on sports, but I did learn calligraphy this year which I still remember the alphabet for today. Mrs. Mowery told us that we'd never forget and it's a skill we'll have the rest of our lives, it's true!
Love:
Chad reminds me of Hank Hill (I look back on him and I can REALLY see why him and Caitlin worked well together). He was so logical and didn't get half the crazy shit I probably talked about.
The main guy that I liked this year was Chad S., and I liked him for a pretty long time afterward because we ended up meeting up again late in my senior year (which didn't work a second time around, either. I'm not going to go into detail.) Anyway, i had Chad in my Junior honors English class. Chad was a year older but was taking the class because he didn't take English at CBC. This was so *like* him to just not do something because they didn't feel like it at the time; what I liked about Chad is that he really knew what he wanted.
He didn't want me. He might of... had I have been myself instead of acting like a stupid bimbo around him. Back then I'd never had much luck with guys because in highschool it seems like guys only go for stupid girls. So what does an intelligent girl do? She dumbs herself down!! Shouldn't have done this around Chad, he got annoyed quickly. He was really physically attracted to me, and I REALLY was toward him too, so initially our weird cat and mouse game that we were playing in English worked out. I bugged the shit out of him.
I remember going over to his house once, he basically lived on a farm. His family had all sorts of country decor and heads sticking out from the walls. We really had nothing in common but something about him really enticed me... Needless to say, it hurt pretty bad when he DIDN'T want to be together. At all. In fact he wanted to stay the Hell away from me after awhile because Caitlin D. (his ex girlfriend that played soccer with me) was giving him a ton of shit for showing any interest in me.
The time spent with Chad was actually DURING soccer season, which is when Caitlin was on the same team and probably had to hear me go on and on about how great Chad is. During Basketball season she told all the cheer girls that I was obsessed with him on the bus. Word got back to me and I wanted to kick Caitlin's ass, but ended up just confronting her about it... sort of, really all I said was that I was "disappointed" in her. I really should have said, "Look bitch, keep my name out of your mouth..." but at this point things were such a lost cause with Chad that I didn't care.
I probably did act obsessed. I was just really lonely at the time and didn't know how to handle myself I suppose.
I can't remember if this is before, during or after I liked Chad but I also liked Tyler D. during my Junior year when I was hanging out his friends (Robert, Logan, Skyler). At the time Tyler was an extremely closed book, I probably shouldn't have been as persistent with him... Actually a girl shouldn't EVER be persistent with a guy, I learned this lesson from guys like this. But when you never get pursued and everybody else has boyfriends, sometimes I just tried to do what I thought I had to do.
I was just so lonely in that aspect of my life after having serious boyfriends the previous year. I still must have had some faith in it my junior year at the beginning but after Tyler treated me like shit and Chad didn't work out I threw in the towel for anyone wanting a relationship with me. I stopped caring as much.
Me and Robert's favorite song to sing together, Holy Mountains by SOAD.
Music:
LOTS and LOTS of System of a Down. I REALLY got into them my Junior year with Robert and we used to sing in the car together when we'd hang out, it was so much fun. I wasn't THAT into Metallica at first, but my friends were listening to them all the time so I sort of had to get a taste for it. In time I ended up really into them too.
Confidence:
Pretty good, certainly better than Sophomore year. Getting some playing time in soccer kind of gave me an edge, which ended up being my major downfall in tennis when I got cocky. I didn't really know how to apply makeup back then so my eyes were oftentimes a smudgey mess but at least I knew how to properly spread foundation.
Some fun with me and Robert at the end of my Junior year.
That's it for now, I'm going to make a separate entry for 16, it's going to be a big one!
