F*ckF*ckityF*ckF*ck WHYYYY....

Well it's been a hell of a day.

I think extreme stress over this class registration issue has made me sick for the last two days. I've been completely lacking in energy and my stomach has been in chronic pain. For good reason, considering one of my worst nightmares actually happened today.

I'm not graduating after Spring quarter like I'd originally anticipated and in retrospect I realize it's all my fault. This is going to create another entire quarter of stress, frustration and worst of all, debt. I need to backup to explain what the hell happened.

I registered for my Spring classes weeks ago, when I was supposed too. I know I did, but because it was so long ago I have no direct recollection of it. So when I went online and discovered that "you have not currently registered for any Spring classes" I flipped. I had no idea why I'd been dropped. I figured it was just a stupid glitch or something.

So of course I re-registered for the classes I needed: Econ 401 and Human resource management online. Not only was HR full, but I was #14 on the wait list... Making it impossible to get into that class, and there's nothing else available. I messaged my adviser and the dean of business registration and she sent me a message saying I hadn't tried registering for anything since February, as well as the fact that I missed the graduation deadline and need to fill one out by April 10th for after Summer quarter anyway.

So I f*cked up in two ways unknowingly. This left me with, okay, I'm not graduating after Spring quarter which totally blows, but I need to find another class to take so I have 10 credits. Given the fact that my Dad is always getting on my case about taking more accounting classes, that was the first thing I looked at. NO accounting classes on campus are being offered on campus that I can take that would contribute to getting an accounting minor if I wanted one. There's a 341 class available in Des Moines, 2.5 hours away, driving over the pass twice a week... That's not plausible for a number of reasons. Then there's also the option of taking Cost Accounting 405 online which would be incredibly hard and stressful considering I got a C+ in cost accounting 305. Cost accounting 405 doesn't even add credits to an accounting minor because it's not one of the elective options, who knows why.. making it extremely hard to convince myself to take it.

My parents aren't going to pay for me to take only 5 credits and neither is my student loans. So I'd be losing my student loans, as well as all the money in my savings account to pay for these 5 credits. I would HAVE to get a job in ellensburg. Something I tried to do all quarter last quarter and failed miserably. I mean I'd have better availability but even then, it is so hard to get a job there.

At least if I got a job it'd make it easier to live there in the summer. I'm so tired of going to school in general, I really thought I was finally done with it after this quarter but because of my own idiotic lack of initiative to check and make sure everything was ready to go. I can't remember the last time I was this disgusted with myself. I'm just praying this can somehow be to my advantage..

I am probably going to go back to Ellensburg Friday to start my job search again. And pay for my one class. Try to somehow deal with this depression I'm feeling right now.

peace. 

Spending the weekend at home. Needed to get away.

Hey all.

Well the end of the month is already here and I've done three whole blog entries. This'll make four. This month has definitely had its ups and downs. Part of me really thought by this point I'd have a job. Nope. I've been applying around Ellensburg and nothing's materialized yet. I did have an interview at Safeway but haven't heard back from them. It'd be awesome if they did offer me the position but it's almost been a week since the interview and I'm guessing they've already made their decision so I need to keep looking.

This quarter is almost over. Two more regular weeks before finals. I'm gonna have one more quarter and maybe this summer to find a good job after graduation if I want to avoid moving back home. Ugh I don't want that to happen at all. It's gonna take a lot of work and research to find something good. I need to make it like part of my homework next month.

Here's a drawing I completed this weekend. I have another family picture I want to do but honestly would rather do it with a bigger canvas. This drawing I wanted to include Amie's boyfriend but ran out of room. As you might have noticed I did shade the skin in this drawing. Amie's looks a little blotchy so I'm undecided if I want to continue doing this. Regardless I hope she likes the completed product, it kept my mind busy today.

Tomorrow I'm probably just going to do a lot of reading for school and my Dad and I are going into town. I should also pick up my prescription that I was finally able to pee clean for, lol. I decided not to pick it up until school starts again because that's really the only time that I need it and wanted to avoid wasting them. I'm hoping not dealing with as much depression and anxiety from this medication will help me continue moving in the right direction.

Midterms went well. I got a 90% on my marketing test and I think I also did good on my finance midterm. Can't say for sure how I did until class tomorrow (or Wednesday, because I know an athlete in class didn't take it yet so for quality control we have to wait). I'll let you know how that went. 

This last couple weeks did have somewhat of an emotional tole on me because I mistakenly crushed on someone that got the completely wrong impression of me and it pissed me off. I definitely had fun hanging out with him a couple times and didn't think it was going anywhere until Valentines day when he posted this picture of a girl he was spending it with. That night he texted me at 1:30 am wanting to see me and of course the next day I was like "Dafuq? Seriously?" and kind of chewed him out. Since that night I noticed he was acting distant so I figured it was over. To make matters more confusing we actually did end up hanging out once after that and it went from being super flirtatious with eachother to us both acting strictly platonic. 

I honestly just figured it was because he was into this other girl. But instead of being honest with me he gave me this shpeel about how "we don't mesh well because you seem like the type of girl that would poke holes in condoms and you also seem racist which is a huge turnoff. Sorry." I'm like oh my god, are you f*cking shitting me? 

He said I seemed that way because I said I didn't agree with abortion with consensual sex which is why if we ever did anything to be cautious. He said I seemed racist because when we were watching some crazy gangland show I said something he apparently took as derogatory toward black people and right after he insulted Mexicans. He's got big giant anti-religious insignia down his calf, and he has the nerve to call me a hateful person??

...I'm just like yeah don't fucking flatter yourself, I'm graduating in three months, you think I want some screaming baby from a SHORT 25 year old with ugly tattoos and doesn't even have his shit together? F*ck you!! 

Sorry I had to get that off my chest. The fact that he sits diagonally across from me and lives a road over makes me happy this damn quarter is going to be over soon because I'm sick of seeing his face. We've been avoiding even making eye contact. He's such a puke, definitely did not deserve an iota of my time or feelings. We literally and hung out a few days before I broke up with Travis and I thought he was such a badass because he liked the same kind of music as me and played the bass.

Once again, I've learned the lesson that men that like the exact same kind of music as me are generally messed up in the head and should be avoided. 

peace. 

This dream that gave me a rush of adrenaline.

I can't remember ever having a dream that ever solidified my actual "dreams."

It's 5 am. I woke up just a few minutes ago and laid in bed awake for just moments before I knew I wanted to get up and write about it.

I wasn't up that late last night. Probably went to bed around 11:30 or so after watching hours of the show "Power, Privilege and Justice" where you see these people living extravagant lives in beautiful mansions and usually ending in the husband killing his wife for one reason or another-- either selfish motives because the wife was the heiress to some old money and the husband wanted it or the wife was threatening to take the man's fortune and estate through divorce... I don't know, there were a lot of crazy scenarios in these episodes.

I think having seen the beautiful homes and lavish lifestyles of people-- many of which seemed to be of average intelligence but with hard work and luck landed where they were, triggered something in my mind. This is how the dream went:

I had apparently left Ellensburg and decided to move in with a very wealthy girl somewhere. The house I moved into wasn't like this crazy huge mansion but it was definitely nicer than any place I'd ever envisioned myself living in. It was a two story, beautiful home with a really bright, open living room and a long driveway lit up by small nights. The house was on a cal-do-sac of other beautiful homes, and I'd remember stepping outside to find the trash can and looking next door because some adult man was listening to loud rap music in their nice SUV. I waved at the person who was pulling out of their driveway. I remember thinking, "Wow, these people seem happy...." 

The girl I lived with I don't remember being particularly nice. In fact I remember feeling like the downstairs was more or less her domain but didn't care because I was so thrilled about being able to afford to live there in the first place. I felt like my hard work was finally starting to pay off. Upstairs was where my bedroom was and this is what really made me excited. It was huge and had two sides-- one side was where my bed and closets were and I had a huge king size bed with a big screen TV mounted on the wall and lush carpet. The other side of the room had tile floor and almost like my own workshop with computers, another large TV that I used as a monitor, and tons of books. There was also a large table in the middle that looked to be once used for assembling things.

And ironically, even if I got the vibe my roommate didn't like me she was happy I had moved in because some closets and spaces in the upstairs still had remnants of the previous tenant that needed to be cleaned out. That was fine with me, I figured it'd be interesting to see what stuff was left there. What I found was a lot of weird shit...

First of all, there were stacks and stacks of what appeared to be manuscripts, documents and books disorderly piled into some of the shelves in my new workroom. There were also boxes of old electronics with labels like "MAC OS--1994" and other random names of gadgets from the 80's/90's from computer companies whose names I'd recognized but figured I'd have no use for. It was then I figured the previous tenant might have been a computer hobbyist of somekind. Another strange thing I saw on that shelf, very distinctly, was baby doll heads that were kind of just randomly lying around. They appeared somewhat old, as I remember them having those "blinky" eyes that close when you tilt them backwards. 

OH, in my large workroom there was also a full size fridge. I figured it was for convenience sake for the probably engineer that had lived there previously. The fridge itself was empty but on top of the fridge there were TONS of almost empty and empty containers used for cookies-- like chips ahoy and remembered also seeing some "generic", store brand cookies. (This I know has to do with an experiment we recently did in my marketing class where we actually did an blind study to see if these particular cookies were substitutable.)

There was also a closet that had a big pile of women's clothes just sitting there, and some tacky posters on the same closet walls. There was also some junky accessories and random nik-naks in there and I remember thinking, "Huh, that'll be fun to sort through later..." 

The girl that I was living with told me that because we were renting the house and would likely have to later lease it to new tenants when we both made enough money or found serious relationships so the house needed to stay nice. She said her last roommate was literally depreciating the value of the house with her projects and endless stream of junk coming into the house that she was afraid to let guests come upstairs. 

So even if the roommate didn't like me I was still completely happy. My parents had come over and I talked about how lucky I was to have moved from "a basement in Ellensburg" to something as cool as this and looked forward to fixing the place up to post pictures on facebook (ha ha). I just kept thinking, wow, my hard work has finally paid off-- I'm so happy I stuck it out and did that finance major.

Okay I'll just stop there because that's when I woke up and laid in bed with my eyes wide open thinking... I literally only have two more classes I'd need to take if I wanted to double major in finance. I could do one of those classes in the Spring and just take one last class in the summer or Fall and take that class alone so no matter how hard it is, even if it's with f*cking Young who takes pleasure in making his classes as insanely hard as possible to weed out the crap, I could still do it. I feel so empowered right now. So determined.

I'm registering for my classes today and I'm really hoping Tenerelli's investment class is being offered in the Spring. If he is I'm definately taking it along with the two classes I need to finish my Econ major and business minor. That being said I DEFINITELY NEED TO FIND A JOB IN ELLENSBURG to save some money. I want to be able to pursue every opportunity I can here and my Dad just keeps getting more and more stressed about the debt I'm accumulating. If I can just make enough money to live off of I will be set.

Today I'm going to write up a second cover letter and edit my resume to make it conducive to getting the floor position at Target that I applied for. I'm also going to call around Ellensburg to ask where people are hiring, if anywhere. I have a good enough handle on my current classes that I feel working and going to school won't be a problem, but Spring might be different. Whatever, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to reach my dreams and goals.

peace.

You gotta get off your ass and work, b.....

Today was alright.

I was super amped when I came to class this morning. Terry, Kevin and I discussed what classes we are all taking and we're going to be together in two. They are taking Public finance next quarter which I already took with Sipic. They're taking it with Ghosh. Taking that class with Sipic was super beneficial because it required us to write a professional paper that could be uploaded on LinkedIn. I've been able to improve my profile on there and it's made applying for jobs easier.

One of the North Korean women sent to stage a picnic date for the Danish performers. 

She looks about my age though has undoubtedly experienced tragedy, fear and starvation like I could never imagine. Because this documentary was made fairly recently (2009) I'd assume she's still alive, but things have gotten so much worse over in the DPRK they're sending practically anyone to the gulags so you don't know. 

After class I spent my afternoon watching Netflix documentaries, one of which being the North Korean documentary "The Red Chapel" that I hadn't seen in awhile (yes, I've seen it on numerous occasions...). It's about two Danish-Korean comedians that team up with a journalist and enter North Korea to learn more about the forbidden state. Like any other foreigner to enter the DPRK they were taken on an over the top tour of the showcase capital city and met with a number of North Koreans in staged situations, one of them being a picnic in the park with about 25 "beautiful ladies" (okay I'm not saying they're not pretty, I'm just saying that's how the North Koreans staged it to the tourists..). 

And that barely even scratches the surface of what bizarre things occur in this country. It's again, a complete tragedy and I still pray for democracy and justice in North Korea. 

Anyway.... 

I just need to stop thinking about my own issues and think about finding a way to make money. 

I applied for a few jobs around campus and plan to do more tomorrow. I couldn't find much on Craigslist or monster.com aside from caregiving jobs, which I did apply for but I'm assuming they'd prefer someone with a CNA certification. I'm a caring, patient person that could handle an assistant living job. Plus Hell my aunt Traci's been doing it for years. 

Tomorrow's thursday which means no class.. I'm planning to play a lot of guitar, study, go the gym, guitar lesson, clean bathroom, apply for more jobs....

Night.

peace. 

Annnnd all the more reason I hate my job and want to go back to eburg

Tonight sucked.

I have never experienced anything like it. My shift was from 4 pm-12 am, long shift and I worked especially hard today because I knew that "corporate" was coming in tomorrow so I wanted to make everything look really nice. I tried sooo hard today.. We were trying to make the store absolutely "perfect" which is why they're going to be up working on it all night.

I'm sorry, I'm not that much of a perfectionist.... When it came to 12 am and J. is telling me I need to finish this huge project before I'm allowed to go I started to feel kind of paranoid. I mean I'd barely eaten anything for dinner which was hours before. So I'm sitting here folding clothes, sizing clothes, folding clothes, sizing clothes..... I ask him again at 12:30 or so to come check it out. He finds something wrong, essentially doesn't say anything and walks off.

He did this to me three times because apparently my work wasn't adequate to these absurd standards... like everything was folded and sized but the stupid plastic tags had to line up evenly. I was getting light headed and very paranoid.

My coworkers were released before me for doing such a "fantastic" job on some wall. I'm just thinking to myself, excuse me after all I did organizing that girls section today you're going to hold me hostage here like I haven't done my work? When they were released I'd asked one of them, "What's the deal can we leave?" And this J. and this chick was like "Oh no you're staying."

12:55 am. Two of my managers come upstairs to inspect everything. They meet up with J. and start inspecting everything. One of them looked at one of the shelves that I did and was like "Oh who did this? There shouldn't be jeans there..." I thought for sure someone was gonna start pointing fingers at me and I almost broke down.

One of my older managers saw me and she's like "Are you okay?" And I'm sure my eyes were probably watery at this point, I said "No I'm exhausted and starving and want to go home..." I had worked for 4 and a half hours straight without a break or a snack and I had just had it. She's kindly said "Go home then..." Thank God, I'd felt rescued.

I know it probably sounds petty to most of you but for me that was just such a horrible experience tonight... You guys know how hard I work. This job has just made my summer a drag. I hate night shifts, I hate dealing with the tiny clothes, I hate being stuck dealing with a handful of annoying people when I have good friends working downstairs (*granted I have started to like most of my coworkers upstairs so that's been nice)....

I'm so excited to be back in Ellensburg honestly. And with Jay, who I did get a text from this morning so that made me feel pretty giddy most of the day. Poor thing, he slept all day long... I'm just really hoping he gets some time to hang out the next couple days. Working the past four days has been such a drag.

peace.

First days of summer has been pretty tough.

This one's gonna have a lot of curse words, guys. It's been a rough weekend, honestly.

Here's me in the living room pretty shortly after we'd got back from dinner. I'd packed all those boxes in the background but most of them we had to repack because I did a very crappy, rushed job without even realizing it. Ha ha, great pic though, damn look at those nice forearms..

I called my mom a couple days ago at 3 pm when I thought I had nearly everything packed and suddenly she said she was coming. It was a ton of work to get my apartment emptied out and cleaned, but I was definitely more than ready to go when we did. Now that I'm home I still have a lot on my mind.

When my mom came up to help me back the other night I suddenly kind of broke down about the emotions that I'd been feeling this weekend.

I mean don't get me wrong, my mom and I were having an awesome time hanging out together, especially with my roommate not around so I could be a little more like my old loud self.

Around midnight I went on facebook and made the worst mistake-- looked on Jack's facebook because my mom and I had been talking about him. F*cking Jack of course is hanging out with some girl right now, and OF COURSE there has to be pictures!!! He's always getting tagged in these photos hanging out with girls and having his arm around them and like she's the new sliced bread. It's the dumbest thing and just hurts me because it's these girls have nothing on me-- I'm extremely smart, I'm becoming a very skilled guitar player, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have a great sense of humor, I'm compassionate, I'm pretty, I'm on my way to being successful.. And apparently this just isn't enough for him and nothing ever is which makes it really f*cked for me that I still have feelings for him when clearly he's never appreciated me who I am at all.

Jacob always, always tells me just not to worry about it. He tells me that I don't need it and that if I just funnel all of my energy into self improvement and what's important.... I know that he's right and I do, every day is a new day of work for me. It doesn't matter if it's a day off school or I have plans or whatever I have to play my guitar and get things done like study or clean or I feel like I've wasted that day.

I realize that the fact of the matter is that I've easily been able to shut things out of my mind when I had a ton of responsibilities at school but now that I'm home with an entire summer lying ahead I need to make some responsibilities... I just need to keep creating daily goals and things to work on to keep myself preoccupied and I'll be okay, it's just been a hard weekend for me. I mean the moving process, being stressed about getting this job, being behind on my guitar lesson payments, being broke, feeling kind of lonely because I left school and I don't know how many of those people I will see again...

Transitions man, I'm in one right now and I'm just trying to ease my mind. I definitely feel a lot better now that I've written but I am still going to meditate, pray and play my DS for a bit to further calm my mind. I just let my emotions kind of overcome my mind today. These kind of emotions are completely useless and I am proud of myself for getting to the point where I rarely feel this way anymore unless something really stressful is going on and I feel kind of lost and emotionally overwhelmed where I would LIKE to have someone to feel cares about me and wants to spend time with me and that I like back. I want someone to understand me and appreciate me for everything that I am.. Not today, it's still not my turn and fate says I'm not ready yet so
I just have to keep working until that day comes.

peace.

. 

Things are never quite clear between us

This is usually how I look on "sloppy sunday." No makeup, giving my hair a day to rest from washing.... Lol notice the noise cancelling headphones. 

Technically today's Monday, Memorial Day. God Bless America

 I did two hours of statistics studying which made me feel really accomplished.. though I did so while watching TV so I don't know how much information I picked up.

 I guess lately I've been using schoolwork to mind off of other things. This morning I woke up with black eye makeup all over my face because I went to bed with my liner on *just in case* Terry ended up actually following through with the plans we had made earlier. Is that pathetic? Probably. Don't worry I washed off the rest of my makeup. After all of it I was just so exhausted from dealing with him.

Terry texted me last night around 6:30 pm when I was on the phone with my mom. He was asking what I was up too and if I had any plans that night. Well no, I didn't, but I said I was having a really nice night anyway. Because I was, I was playing my guitar and minding my own damn business like always. But I did take the time to get ready, though... Which as all you girls know is a PAIN IN THE ASS. And because it was Terry of course I looked my best. 

Throughout the night we kept eachother posted on what we were doing. Of course he's out somewhere making drinks and having fun with his buddies and every time he texts me I'm just doing the exact same thing. Lol playing guitar, studying, cleaning, reading, cooking, facebook.. Seems like that's all I do lately. And any time Terry texts me it's usually the same sequence of messages. Same old what are doing, etc etc... If I try to go into in depth conversation and don't finish with a question there's about a 50/50 chance he won't reply. Even if he was the first one to text me.

It's really odd, he's just not very conversational with me.... I sometimes think his brain is so absorbed in sports like mine is in the guitar that it's hard for him to really think about anything else. He's been sucked into this for so many years though that he doesn't know much other life I think. I've only been into the guitar for a year so I definitely have a wide spectrum of things to talk about aside from that.

But yeah Terry ended up going to some party at a lake and invited me but I wasn't sure what the deal was or even if he wanted me to go. I didn't end up going out there until around 12:30 am... I put "Reecer Creek" on my GPS and it took me about 10 minutes outside of town.

I turned down into a downhill dirt road where my GPS took me and I could hear a river. It was really creepy because there were no cars. I did not get out of my own car but I did crack the window and hear water. I pulled down closer and saw that there was a fence opening but I could not tell if it led to a dark road or the river. I didn't want to go down any closer to the river or get out of my car and check, it was all just too sketchy. I set my gps and drove back.

Terry texted me when I was 5 minutes away from home saying he was outside and didn't know where I was. I'm like alllrighty then. Of course when I was at the creek itself I tried calling him and he didn't pick up, and I knew he was pretty drunk at this point.

So yeah no fun! Came home and slept. He apologized for getting drunk too quickly. I'm like Dude you think this is about that?? It's YOUR BAD for not being clear on plans earlier, get your shit straight.

I'm so exhausted, I'm going to go to bed. Roommate was acting like a snag today but I already talked about it on facebook so I don't want to talk about it on here. night all

peace

Typical end of the quarter overload, still feeling out of it

Yo.

I came home this weekend for a couple things: first and foremost to turn in my job application at Rite aid and second to escape. I felt really depressed waking up Saturday morning because the previous night I'd gone to a bar and felt hungover so I didn't get up until 12.  That hangover kept me from getting really anything done all day.

Well it would have been one thing if the previous night was good. I felt like that whole night I just felt uncomfortable because I was with a bunch of people I didn't know and couldn't make conversation very easily. It's funny, sometimes strangers won't phase me at all and I'll be totally friendly and other times (especially when I'm in kind of a sad mood) it's a lot harder.

I actually saw Terry at the bar and it looked like he was like.. cornering this girl. He actually saw me there but didn't talk to me at all. Granted by this time it was 1:30 or so and I was ready to get the hell out of there. I was feeling really uncomfortable in the first place and seeing Terry there was the icing on the cake.

I don't want to talk about that anymore. To be honest "feeling" is more of an inconvenience in my life than most things so I try to drown it out with studying, watching documentaries about people with messed up lives, practicing my guitar like a madman and meditating. That's my life. I want close friends that I can spend time with and open up too but finding people that I feel I can relate to is such a challenge.. That and so many girls are too wrapped up in their boyfriends to give a shit about having friends.

that's the thing that a lot of people don't realize is much harder about being a single woman than a man. Men actually know how to be friends with eachother and spend time without having crazy hangups. But of course when I hang out with a guy in a strictly friendship manner but spend a bunch of time with them they can sometimes develop crushes and then I end up losing them as friends in the long run because I have to let them down.

Ugh. I'm probably over exaggerating again. Things are going more than fine for the most part and I've really got no room to complain, it's just time for me to come home and I'm realizing that now. I'm ready for a change of environment and be around people that know who I am.


So between now and tomorrow at 9 am tomorrow I have to:
-Drive home... (which takes 90 min)
-Study econ for 90 min (online, multiple choice ?'s on 2 chapters)
-2 problems on the stats homework (I've got about 6/15 done right now. Figure I'll have two more hours to get the rest of it done between classes tomorrow)

peace.

Communication issues

Hi.

Okay. Here I am. Still here in Benton city. It's 12:33 pm. All my stuff is in my car, I have a few pieces of laundry tumbling around in the dryer... I have makeup on and got a good night's sleep but I have horrendous bags under my eyes. I guess there's been a lot on my mind lately. Granted I've been happy, probably happier than I've been in awhile. I usually feel this after coming home, visiting with my friends and family, and then leaving feeling refreshed.

I don't leave my calendar open when I'm home. I don't make a daily checklist either. I just do whatever I want and let the day come to me as it will. In Ellensburg however I find it necessary on the weekdays to write out everything that I need to get done. Maybe it's because I'm living alone or because I have more responsibilities.

It's probably because in college I am 100% accountable for myself, my work, etc... If I stub by toe there's no point of screaming "SH*T!" because there's nobody around to hear it-- versus here at home where if I'd stub my toe the whole house would have to hear about it. It's funny, I find myself falling into old cursing habits when I come home, especially when I'd hang out with Katelynn, but I don't normally curse at school unless I'm around people that make me nervous or intimidated.

I'm trying to cut back on my cursing immensely. It's hard because I got really accustomed to it at home as an anger release, but now I just think of it as something that breeds bad karma. My Dad has been yelling at my mom so much lately and he's practically impossible to communicate with. I know he realizes that we know that he's doing it too but he's afraid of losing his sense of authority if he doesn't yell all the time. He would get so much more respect out of everyone if he would just calm down, but something tells me he can't help it. He  has to yell at people or he feels like nobody's listening...

That or he does it because he's bored and it gives him some kind of satisfaction to yell at us. I don't know. I've helped my mom take everything with a grain of salt with him because I understand now that it's just in his nature to behave this way. It's unfortunately not going to change, and I sincerely believe that he loves us. I just want him to calm down and enjoy life a little more.. But at the same time I think he enjoys getting pissed off about things.

My Mom is so loving and positive but for the sake of convenience and Avery and I's sanity growing up my parents always stuck together and we've always been a family. It's an interesting relationship. My Dad's really smart, I realize that more now as I've gone to school longer because this stuff is difficult. My Dad told me hardly any of this stuff that I'm learning I will have to take directly from memory to work in the future.

Honestly I'm not thinking much about that-- my future in the professional world that is. The most important time is the present. I'm trying to do college to the best of my ability, period. Next quarter I've got statistics, professional speaking and macroeconomics and for the next week or so I'm planning on checking out what to anticipate.

Uh let's see, what else....

Clothes. My mom and I went into town and I got some new clothes to wear. That was kind of a nice confidence boost and feeling of new beginnings after losing Katelynn. I honestly feel that now that we're not best friends anymore I will start wearing brighter colors. I've come to realize that one of the only reasons I wore only dark clothes was because I wanted to stay humble to keep her in my life. Maybe subconsciously I felt that if I dressed girlier she would think I was becoming like my mom and sister and not want to be friends with me. It's all really strange.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that now that Katelynn is not in my life I feel like my main source of judgement for what's happening in my life is gone...

My Mom and I tried to have a discussion with my Dad earlier and I backed up my Mom that he often acts out of line. I surprisingly was able to make him stay and talk for 10 minutes and actually admit that he does act unreasonable. He gets really defensive when you hold him accountable for his behavior at all. It's impossible for my Mom so I kind of have to back her up when he starts screaming about absolutely nothing of importance.

peace. 

So happy to have had fun tonight

Today started out rough but ended really good for a number of reasons. 

After getting the news about Gerardo and feeling like I wasn't going to have anything to do this weekend, I decided to go home. Shortly after I'd told Katelynn I was going back Allie had texted me saying she was going to a shooting range and wanted to invite me along. Kind of torn I decided it'd be the best idea to try to have some fun in Ellensburg for once and just come home next weekend...

So I woke up this morning thinking Allie and I were going to go shooting. She texted me saying her and her friend rode up there and discovered "the shooting range is full, sorry!" I didn't even respond, I was so frustrated. This was at about 12:00 PM, I probably wouldn't have left much earlier had I not made other plans but by that time I was definitely ready to go. Escape from this silent apartment. I shoved a bunch of junk in an overnight bag and left. Even if it's just for a night and tomorrow being home for the weekend will get me through.

I just can't handle sitting alone in that apartment all weekend, which is what I know I'd be doing if I was there. Allie's hanging out with a bunch of girls that we'd met at that party last night. I wouldn't have even gotten an invite, I haven't heard from her all day. 

On the bright side, though, I got home safe and Katelynn and I hung out all evening. We went to Winco and I did a little grocery shopping. Some of the selection here I can't get in Ellensburg without spending a fortune at Fred meyer. I spent about 60 bucks on that, then got Katelynn and I some jumbo slices of pizza before we left. 

When we got back we smoked a little and danced in my sister's room (shh) to Nicki Minaj on her jumbo TV with the Wii. Then we went out in the kitchen and took those pictures above, just screwing around and laughing, watching king of the hill... I had such a great time tonight.

AND! Really good news, I got ahold of Jacob about rescheduling our lesson time and he said he might be able to figure something out for Mondays. That would be perfect for me and would allow me to go to the SHRM meetings, and there's one in the following week. So between going to group therapy twice this next week, the meeting and probably getting my guitar piece scanned on Monday, this should be a good week.

I just wanted to be comfortable and enjoy myself this weekend. Too often I feel uncomfortable in the silence of that damn apartment.... especially when Kristin's completely gone. Even if Kristin and I don't talk much knowing she's there on the weekdays makes it a little more lively. 

This writing might be a little screwy, I drank a big glass of wine earlier and I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in quite awhile. It just feels nice to be home. I explained to my mom that regardless of the fact that it's 200 miles getting back and forth between here and Ellensburg, it's really the only way I could keep my sanity on the weekends if things don't change. I'm happy I live close enough to have this option. I'm not going to say I can't stand that school because the weekdays are fine for the most part... it just feels like school to me and I have a ton on my plate to do and think about. But on the weekends I just want to get the Hell out of there.

It was snowing when I left, I wonder how it'll be when I come back tomorrow evening.

peace. 

Neat! I live close to a haunted "hot spot."

I studied for five solid hours today....

I only had to spend an hour on math, function graphs aren't terribly difficult after all. I actually skipped class this morning because I was tossing and turning all night because of the stress. It was awful... I thought the stress would have alleviated somewhat after hanging out with my new friend Kevin but it didn't. I just have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that my score on the test tomorrow is going to be a flat out bomb, I mean 30%.... THAT. Horrible. It was the hardest test I've ever taken and it's going to make the rest of this quarter a fight.

I know what I have to do now in that accounting class-- flash cards, flash cards, flash cards. I'm going to memorize the formulas to prepare for the test instead of memorizing the concepts. Even the concepts on the test though, everything felt so fuzzy to me...

Which is making me rethink participating in a certain habit of mine as frequently as I do. I'm going to cut back majorly in order to better retain this information that I'm trying to memorize every day. It just sucks, there really isn't a break from this nonstop study regime and now that I had a blow from that test it's going to become even more of a struggle to catch up.

The next accounting test is over chapters 13, 8 and 11. I'm working on 11 right now, dealing with turnover ratio and margins and how they relate to a manager's performance. I'm going to have to work so hard on these chapters to raise my grade in the class.

There's only a total of three tests with an optional cumulative final at the end of the quarter on December 5th. So technically speaking, if I completely f*cked this last test, which I'm sure I did, I can take the final and drop that low score. That means, however, that I will have to work extremely hard to RETAIN the information that I'm learning from the chapters. I think flash cards will help me a lot. I'm going to make flash cards for the old chapter's formulas too.

I. WILL. PASS. MY. CLASSES. 

But it's going to take a lot of work. I'm going to set a mandatory study amount of four hours a day, including weekends. I'm hoping if I do this I'll be able to sometimes have Saturday open, like this Saturday for instance  Katelynn and I are going to the bars in Richland. This is going to be my first time going to a bar so it'll be interesting. I have to go back to the tri cities and see my family this weekend I decided, I get really tired of Ellensburg really fast.


Wow, I've only been here a month and I'm sick of Ellensburg? Okay, it's not THAT bad here... it's just annoying when there's nothing to do just like there's nothing to do in the tri cities. You see other students that are going to Western and they're always posting pictures of all the crazy, fun college nonsense they're going and it makes me wonder how the Hell they're keeping up with their classes with all those distractions. University classes go FAST. At least the ones I'm in, and I'm sure it's just as intense in other majors if not more so... I can only imagine the crap Jason is having to do right now. Physics makes me cringe.

So get this, while looking for a random picture of Ellensburg to spice up this wall of text I located this article:

http://www.hauntedhouses.com/states/wa/central_washington_university.htm

I guess a girl hung herself from the rafters of the top floor when she got news that her fiance died in the war and there's been reports of hearing noises and knocking on doors. 

http://www.dailyrecordnews.com/news/article_81f5e264-ff54-592c-a6ad-2220080e4179.html

Here's another article on this. How eerie, that building never really stood out to me but now I'm excited to hopefully get a chance to go in and check out the top floor. Probably not this week because I broke my bike chain and won't feel like doing any extra walking but I'd like to get a chance to check it out. I don't know if I can walk into the residence hall without a key though. 

Bahh, it's 10:30, I've still got accounting to do before bed or I'm going to be bumming tomorrow. There was an ABSURD amount of homework even if we JUST had a test yesterday... ugh.

peace. 

What the Hell are the chances of that.

Today's been a good day.

I got up this morning knowing I had to get my books so I rushed over to the bookstore after getting ready. I dealt with a complete lameass at the checkstand that I felt like I had to walk through the transaction.  I just wanted to buy my accounting book and my business law book, and then go to the second line that had a huge lineup to do the rental on the math one. It ended up being a big holdup so I decided just to use the credit line to buy the books. Right now the money that overdrew my account today is now going onto the credit line that my Dad will pay off later.

They were around $350. Expensive, so I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it. I'm going to wait for that transaction to process for the next 10 hours or so before I put the money from my savings into my checking. I'm now at $1400. That means moving here in total cost me about $200, between the things that I've needed to buy and the groceries, etc etc... That's so creep, imagine how much it would cost up in Bellingham, atrociously expensive! I'm so happy to be here.

I woke up Jason after I bought my books. He partied last night and texted me drunk asking me to come this morning. Though I knew he'd forget, I showed up anyway. Last night while Jason was out with his friends I decided to go to Shavonne's house and visit/have dinner. Russell printed me out a map that proved to be very handy all day... especially when I was trying to find Jason's building. 

Jason and I were originally going to go rock climbing together and I was pretty stoked to go but I still had my biggest task of the day in the back of my mind. I had to go out and find these bulletin boards to I guess officially "open" my business. I really hope I'm able to fill up my 9 spots relatively quickly. I'll schedule a couple more (assuming some are going to drop) and go out and pull the signs. Next time I lose some students, I'll repeat the process so that I maintain a controlled number. I'm hoping I get a different mix of ages and music styles.

peace. 

OH!!!! Now that I'm back from working out I remember the weirdest thing that happened to me today! I saw Jack, hahaha. It was so funny, Jason and I were walking back to my place when a... lacrosse, I don't know, lacrosse or cricket-- ball rolled out in front of me. I just happen to feel like being polite and picked it up and tossed it back to the person that flicked it into the street.

There's Jack, standing in the courtyard of the math building. He's like, "Oh hey Emily!" I couldn't believe it. I acted very friendly toward him. He told me he was going to his lacrosse match soon. I told him good luck. I told Jason, "First love." even if yesterday I'd told him I never had been. I guess love is truly what makes a person crazy, and since Jack made me crazy and confused for three years, I figured it was the best representation for that situation. 

Jason was like, "Oh, you don't like him?" and I'm like, "YES. I HATE him. I mean, no, I don't hate him. He just makes me very frustrated." Jason and I left it at. I did, however, call my Mom when I was back cooking lunch (I made shredded chicken burritos, which were delicious by the way) to tell her about my 'what are the chances of that' experience.

I had only thought about Jack once since I got here, I didn't anticipate seeing him this early on however. I'm glad I instinctively was very friendly toward him.

Summer Quarter Grades and My Decision on Central

New grades! Which means another blog entry about how I'm getting through this CBC stuff.

Summer 2011:

-4.0 in Biology

-2.8 in Math 97

...So an average score of 3.4 for this quarter, which is pretty good considering I PASSED ONLINE MATH! I could never imagine that I could do that. I suck at online classes, and I suck at math. That being said, I'm extremely happy this quarter is done and over. Now it's time to study Japanese. Literally, I need to study it every day from here on out to get ready for Japanese IV, regardless of the fact that I have no ambition to do it. If I just dedicate 30 min a day, I can do this.

So next quarter my schedule is:

Drawing I from 8:00 AM-9:40 AM with Craig
Japanese IV from 11:30 AM-12:30 PM with Ryder
Math 98 from 5:00 PM-7:10 PM with Tarbert on Monday and Wednesday

This leaves me pretty open to working. I have a job interview tomorrow and hope it goes well.

So, a couple days ago I made a discovery when my friends were over. My mom randomly blurted out that *someone* I know was now in a relationship with *someone else* that I hate, and have always hated. Though I'm probably the last one to know, I'm glad nobody told me about this until now. Though it doesn't matter anyway, I still can't help but feel sickened by the fact that it's THIS person, THIS bimbo. It could of been ANYONE else and I wouldn't of cared. Thinking about it literally makes me sick. The amount of hatred I have toward these two people now is slightly frightening to me, and I hope to never see or hear about them again.

That being said, I have decided to not go to Central. This was sort of the final straw because I couldn't stand to see someone that I hate so much, even on an occasional basis. I want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone, or barely anyone. I have time to think about this, and I know it will be better for me in the long run.

I am going to make a list of the reasons why I'm not going Central.

1. I want to get completely away from the Tri-cities. I want to go out and find myself. If I'm living only three hours away from my parents, I still have an outlet to go home and do my laundry, go home when I'm sick, whatever. That's still co-dependence. I need to find out how to take care of myself. The most frightening thing about this is illness because I get extremely sick (emergency room sick) about once a year with different viral infections or like my kidney infection this year, but I'm just going to have to take care of myself.

2. I don't want anybody to "show me the ropes." Katharine, you're my best friend, but at every stage of my life (preschool to kindergarden, going into middle school, playing soccer, going into highschool, even going into CBC..) you've always "shown me the ropes" prior to me going into it by telling me all about everything and who and where to avoid and where I need to be. Though I've appreciated this, I know that if I were to Central it would, to an extent, be the same way and I really want to be figure this out on my own.

3. For the first time in my life, I want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone (or close to anyone) and therefore feel like I can create a clean slate for myself, and therefore find myself. Honestly, I just know too many people from Benton City at Central, some of which never particularily liked me.

4. Now that Katelynn might be moving to Seattle, I want to move closer to where she is. I don't know if that's possible, but it makes UW way more of a consideration. I know that's sort of a silly reason because friends are going to move and it's just something I have to face. In  a sense this sort of contradicts that i've previously written, but if I can be withen a couple hours of Seattle so I can go see her, it'd be a plus. I intend on going there a lot anyway.

5. I don't want to have to see Jack Otto's face. I know that at a college there are thousands of people, but just the fact that he's there and I could potentially see him makes me want to vomit a little. He can rot in hell for all I care, I just never want to see him again.

6. Ellensburg seems boring. I went there with my mom when we were driving to take my ACTs or something and it was completely dead there on a Saturday night and we couldn't even find a decent restaurant to stop at. Granted, I don't want a big party school like WSU but I don't want *that* either.

That's my opinion and i'm sticking with it. time to find other options.