Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's no longer a distraction, it's what I truly love.

Happy Halloween everyone!

I'm still feeling kind of sad this evening, unfortunately. I want these feelings to go away.. I want to forget about Jed, forget that this whole thing happened. I of course feel like I was in a much better position BEFORE Jed entered my life because back then I hadn't found anyone that I was particularly interested in. I felt like that crush on Jed opened a pandora's box of emotions that I now have to deal with now that he's gone.... 

Last night at around 9 when I was actually feeling better about the situation I get a text. By then I'd deleted Jed from my contacts list as well as the threads that we had going back and forth because I've learned to get rid of reminders. He'd somehow resent me the same text that said "Hey uhm sorry but..." etc etc. The message that originally made my heart feel like it dropped into my gut. I immediately replied, "What the hell." Not because I didn't know it was a resend, but because I was frustrated that I got it. I think I still felt I had to get some things off my chest even if I didn't realize it at the time... He immediately replied "??" and I said "Nevermind you didn't mean to send that."

He didn't reply to said message until this morning, which he said "Send what?!" which... I don't even know, I think he shouldn't have texted me and let it go. I just told him it was just a random message that wasn't meant to be sent to me. He's like "Lol that alright no big deal." or something like that, I'm like "..Yeah..." then he replied "Lol." At this point I'm like, okay go away.... 

And note that this was after all the pain I'd dealt with last night and trying to deal with this in the most mature manner possible. I ended up getting angry that he was texting me at all and I said "Stop. I feel like you're taunting and it's pissing me off." or something along those lines. I don't really know what I meant. I just felt irritated that I was feeling these emotions again in the morning, I was of course crying by this point just for the  reason that I was talking to him and was reminded of the emotions I'd felt the previous night.

He's like "Wow this is the last time you will hear from me." This of course lead me to balling, I did not want things to end on that note at all. I just want to handle things maturely. I decided to just tell him the truth of how I felt about the situation. 

I told him in so many words, "Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you and I don't want things to be awkward between us if I do see you around campus or wherever. I've just been sad because I didn't expect you'd cut things off so suddenly because I really did like you..." I also briefly mentioned the other girl situation, and how I'd had a feeling he'd been talking to her for awhile in the first place and for that reason I wished we hadn't of gotten as close as we did.

He replied that basically he's really sorry for any pain he'd caused, and that we probably shouldn't have rushed like we did. He told me he hadn't been talking to that girl before but they were old friends so they met up at a party and hit it off. 

It's gonna take a lot of guitar to drown out this loneliness over the next week or so until I get back to my normal equilibrium of numbness. 

Sigh... I'm happy I know the truth now, and happy that I at least got a chance to state my case with him. 

Enough about that. Time to move on with my real life.

I figure I should just tell you guys now. I can't give you the details but I'm excited to say that I will be getting lessons again! I'm... not going to disclose who exactly, for certain reasons... Ugh, this person is so incredibly important in my life I would not want to somehow disclose this information and cause him to think I violated his trust. 

But yeah, everything is going to be alright. I think a lot of this panic has actually been attributed to not taking lessons. It's something I hold dear to me. I'm going to improve immensely as a guitarist over the next couple years because with my teacher being the level that he is the possibilities are endless. Thursday at 5:30 is going to be my new time to look forward too. 

So that's it! I'm going to start to get this anxiety under control. I've started to spend a bit more time actually hanging out with Kristin and periodically watching TV with her. It sort of relaxes me to not know what's going on in a television show. I'll just pop in when she's watching there, eat some food, go back to my room. Maybe chat about something totally irrelevant to school like what's going on the TV. It's really relaxing, I can see why people like to sit around and watch TV together... 

Though personally I've never been a fan. Especially now that I'm into music, sitting and watching TV for an extended period of time is unappealing because I'd rather practice. 


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