I'm a loser babbbbay

So why don't cha kill me.

These are one of those days where I look about almost as bad as I feel on the inside.

After all that fucking work I still did not feel confident on that test what so ever. All the prayers. All the work I did these past two days.. I mean 5 hours the day before yesterday. .then yesterday I was at it from 12 in the afternoon to  this morning at 8:00!! I could not rest until i'd felt confident on that material and I just... didnt. These were the chapters on stock valuation that I really wanted to build a better understanding of. I mean I guess I did... I learned a lot. But I feel like I must have slacked off this last week because I barely touched the last two chapters until this morning. I was an idiot and spent waaay too much time trying to master 8/9  which conceptually were hard chapters in and of themselves. Of course by the time I *did* finish reading chapter 10/11 concepts over and over but and copiex problems and answers down i thought would help me. A lot of it didnt because I didn't have adequate practice.

Not all is lost though. I still plan on joining the finance club in the spring, I'm still gonna turn in the chapter 11 homework for extra credit and I WILL complete that case study even if I was one of the few losers that didn't prioritize well enough to even start the thing. and this is like... 25 hours I spent annotating the book, practicing problems,  bah bah.. but THATS because I was probably only half paying attention because i  had YouTube on. Nobody is a multi-tasker, when you read or do homework of even play guitar sometimes it's useless because I'm really paying attention of the crazy/druggie/hitetrash/serial killers to really pay attention.
I hope to improve this asap.
Ahh I'm dozing off already.
Gnite guys (11:04 am)

Too much damn disappointment for one summer.

This summer has been hard. I keep feeling like I'm coming close to something good happening and then it doesn't happen.

I've been trying to stay optimistic because it stresses out my family when I'm sad. It's just hard not to be sad when I feel like I've been forced to face being let down time and time again. I'm praying to God for inner peace and to have a job in the upcoming two weeks just so I can get my mind off what I feel like I'm missing.

I started talking to someone earlier this week and we were making some pretty strong implications that we'd hang out today and maybe float the river. I guess I didn't make things clear enough because this morning when I offered to pick him up on the way back from dropping off an application in Pasco he said he had to help his friend move. I was like, "Okay well would you want to make some solid plans for tomorrow then?" and he brushed me off a second time.

I went on his profile and found that 20 hours ago he saw his ex. Pretty transparent what happened here and now he doesn't want to bother spending time with me. Fabulous.

Whatever, I don't care. I'm still more beautiful, talented and intelligent. Someone will appreciate that eventually. I just didn't anticipate feeling lonely this summer. And I'm not saying I haven't been doing stuff with friends almost every day-- I've felt super fortunate in this regard and it's been nice to see as many people as I have already. But as much as I try to suppress it I just feel that nausea in the pit of my stomach every so often that tells me "You're so alone." when I see my friends and their boyfriends and wondering what my problem is.

peace.

Needless to say I've been listening to a ton of metal today. Listen to this awesome intro riff, I would love to learn it once I get better at my sweeps. 

Metal will always carry my soul away if I'm in pain