F*ckF*ckityF*ckF*ck WHYYYY....

Well it's been a hell of a day.

I think extreme stress over this class registration issue has made me sick for the last two days. I've been completely lacking in energy and my stomach has been in chronic pain. For good reason, considering one of my worst nightmares actually happened today.

I'm not graduating after Spring quarter like I'd originally anticipated and in retrospect I realize it's all my fault. This is going to create another entire quarter of stress, frustration and worst of all, debt. I need to backup to explain what the hell happened.

I registered for my Spring classes weeks ago, when I was supposed too. I know I did, but because it was so long ago I have no direct recollection of it. So when I went online and discovered that "you have not currently registered for any Spring classes" I flipped. I had no idea why I'd been dropped. I figured it was just a stupid glitch or something.

So of course I re-registered for the classes I needed: Econ 401 and Human resource management online. Not only was HR full, but I was #14 on the wait list... Making it impossible to get into that class, and there's nothing else available. I messaged my adviser and the dean of business registration and she sent me a message saying I hadn't tried registering for anything since February, as well as the fact that I missed the graduation deadline and need to fill one out by April 10th for after Summer quarter anyway.

So I f*cked up in two ways unknowingly. This left me with, okay, I'm not graduating after Spring quarter which totally blows, but I need to find another class to take so I have 10 credits. Given the fact that my Dad is always getting on my case about taking more accounting classes, that was the first thing I looked at. NO accounting classes on campus are being offered on campus that I can take that would contribute to getting an accounting minor if I wanted one. There's a 341 class available in Des Moines, 2.5 hours away, driving over the pass twice a week... That's not plausible for a number of reasons. Then there's also the option of taking Cost Accounting 405 online which would be incredibly hard and stressful considering I got a C+ in cost accounting 305. Cost accounting 405 doesn't even add credits to an accounting minor because it's not one of the elective options, who knows why.. making it extremely hard to convince myself to take it.

My parents aren't going to pay for me to take only 5 credits and neither is my student loans. So I'd be losing my student loans, as well as all the money in my savings account to pay for these 5 credits. I would HAVE to get a job in ellensburg. Something I tried to do all quarter last quarter and failed miserably. I mean I'd have better availability but even then, it is so hard to get a job there.

At least if I got a job it'd make it easier to live there in the summer. I'm so tired of going to school in general, I really thought I was finally done with it after this quarter but because of my own idiotic lack of initiative to check and make sure everything was ready to go. I can't remember the last time I was this disgusted with myself. I'm just praying this can somehow be to my advantage..

I am probably going to go back to Ellensburg Friday to start my job search again. And pay for my one class. Try to somehow deal with this depression I'm feeling right now.

peace. 

Spending the weekend at home. Needed to get away.

Hey all.

Well the end of the month is already here and I've done three whole blog entries. This'll make four. This month has definitely had its ups and downs. Part of me really thought by this point I'd have a job. Nope. I've been applying around Ellensburg and nothing's materialized yet. I did have an interview at Safeway but haven't heard back from them. It'd be awesome if they did offer me the position but it's almost been a week since the interview and I'm guessing they've already made their decision so I need to keep looking.

This quarter is almost over. Two more regular weeks before finals. I'm gonna have one more quarter and maybe this summer to find a good job after graduation if I want to avoid moving back home. Ugh I don't want that to happen at all. It's gonna take a lot of work and research to find something good. I need to make it like part of my homework next month.

Here's a drawing I completed this weekend. I have another family picture I want to do but honestly would rather do it with a bigger canvas. This drawing I wanted to include Amie's boyfriend but ran out of room. As you might have noticed I did shade the skin in this drawing. Amie's looks a little blotchy so I'm undecided if I want to continue doing this. Regardless I hope she likes the completed product, it kept my mind busy today.

Tomorrow I'm probably just going to do a lot of reading for school and my Dad and I are going into town. I should also pick up my prescription that I was finally able to pee clean for, lol. I decided not to pick it up until school starts again because that's really the only time that I need it and wanted to avoid wasting them. I'm hoping not dealing with as much depression and anxiety from this medication will help me continue moving in the right direction.

Midterms went well. I got a 90% on my marketing test and I think I also did good on my finance midterm. Can't say for sure how I did until class tomorrow (or Wednesday, because I know an athlete in class didn't take it yet so for quality control we have to wait). I'll let you know how that went. 

This last couple weeks did have somewhat of an emotional tole on me because I mistakenly crushed on someone that got the completely wrong impression of me and it pissed me off. I definitely had fun hanging out with him a couple times and didn't think it was going anywhere until Valentines day when he posted this picture of a girl he was spending it with. That night he texted me at 1:30 am wanting to see me and of course the next day I was like "Dafuq? Seriously?" and kind of chewed him out. Since that night I noticed he was acting distant so I figured it was over. To make matters more confusing we actually did end up hanging out once after that and it went from being super flirtatious with eachother to us both acting strictly platonic. 

I honestly just figured it was because he was into this other girl. But instead of being honest with me he gave me this shpeel about how "we don't mesh well because you seem like the type of girl that would poke holes in condoms and you also seem racist which is a huge turnoff. Sorry." I'm like oh my god, are you f*cking shitting me? 

He said I seemed that way because I said I didn't agree with abortion with consensual sex which is why if we ever did anything to be cautious. He said I seemed racist because when we were watching some crazy gangland show I said something he apparently took as derogatory toward black people and right after he insulted Mexicans. He's got big giant anti-religious insignia down his calf, and he has the nerve to call me a hateful person??

...I'm just like yeah don't fucking flatter yourself, I'm graduating in three months, you think I want some screaming baby from a SHORT 25 year old with ugly tattoos and doesn't even have his shit together? F*ck you!! 

Sorry I had to get that off my chest. The fact that he sits diagonally across from me and lives a road over makes me happy this damn quarter is going to be over soon because I'm sick of seeing his face. We've been avoiding even making eye contact. He's such a puke, definitely did not deserve an iota of my time or feelings. We literally and hung out a few days before I broke up with Travis and I thought he was such a badass because he liked the same kind of music as me and played the bass.

Once again, I've learned the lesson that men that like the exact same kind of music as me are generally messed up in the head and should be avoided. 

peace. 

This dream that gave me a rush of adrenaline.

I can't remember ever having a dream that ever solidified my actual "dreams."

It's 5 am. I woke up just a few minutes ago and laid in bed awake for just moments before I knew I wanted to get up and write about it.

I wasn't up that late last night. Probably went to bed around 11:30 or so after watching hours of the show "Power, Privilege and Justice" where you see these people living extravagant lives in beautiful mansions and usually ending in the husband killing his wife for one reason or another-- either selfish motives because the wife was the heiress to some old money and the husband wanted it or the wife was threatening to take the man's fortune and estate through divorce... I don't know, there were a lot of crazy scenarios in these episodes.

I think having seen the beautiful homes and lavish lifestyles of people-- many of which seemed to be of average intelligence but with hard work and luck landed where they were, triggered something in my mind. This is how the dream went:

I had apparently left Ellensburg and decided to move in with a very wealthy girl somewhere. The house I moved into wasn't like this crazy huge mansion but it was definitely nicer than any place I'd ever envisioned myself living in. It was a two story, beautiful home with a really bright, open living room and a long driveway lit up by small nights. The house was on a cal-do-sac of other beautiful homes, and I'd remember stepping outside to find the trash can and looking next door because some adult man was listening to loud rap music in their nice SUV. I waved at the person who was pulling out of their driveway. I remember thinking, "Wow, these people seem happy...." 

The girl I lived with I don't remember being particularly nice. In fact I remember feeling like the downstairs was more or less her domain but didn't care because I was so thrilled about being able to afford to live there in the first place. I felt like my hard work was finally starting to pay off. Upstairs was where my bedroom was and this is what really made me excited. It was huge and had two sides-- one side was where my bed and closets were and I had a huge king size bed with a big screen TV mounted on the wall and lush carpet. The other side of the room had tile floor and almost like my own workshop with computers, another large TV that I used as a monitor, and tons of books. There was also a large table in the middle that looked to be once used for assembling things.

And ironically, even if I got the vibe my roommate didn't like me she was happy I had moved in because some closets and spaces in the upstairs still had remnants of the previous tenant that needed to be cleaned out. That was fine with me, I figured it'd be interesting to see what stuff was left there. What I found was a lot of weird shit...

First of all, there were stacks and stacks of what appeared to be manuscripts, documents and books disorderly piled into some of the shelves in my new workroom. There were also boxes of old electronics with labels like "MAC OS--1994" and other random names of gadgets from the 80's/90's from computer companies whose names I'd recognized but figured I'd have no use for. It was then I figured the previous tenant might have been a computer hobbyist of somekind. Another strange thing I saw on that shelf, very distinctly, was baby doll heads that were kind of just randomly lying around. They appeared somewhat old, as I remember them having those "blinky" eyes that close when you tilt them backwards. 

OH, in my large workroom there was also a full size fridge. I figured it was for convenience sake for the probably engineer that had lived there previously. The fridge itself was empty but on top of the fridge there were TONS of almost empty and empty containers used for cookies-- like chips ahoy and remembered also seeing some "generic", store brand cookies. (This I know has to do with an experiment we recently did in my marketing class where we actually did an blind study to see if these particular cookies were substitutable.)

There was also a closet that had a big pile of women's clothes just sitting there, and some tacky posters on the same closet walls. There was also some junky accessories and random nik-naks in there and I remember thinking, "Huh, that'll be fun to sort through later..." 

The girl that I was living with told me that because we were renting the house and would likely have to later lease it to new tenants when we both made enough money or found serious relationships so the house needed to stay nice. She said her last roommate was literally depreciating the value of the house with her projects and endless stream of junk coming into the house that she was afraid to let guests come upstairs. 

So even if the roommate didn't like me I was still completely happy. My parents had come over and I talked about how lucky I was to have moved from "a basement in Ellensburg" to something as cool as this and looked forward to fixing the place up to post pictures on facebook (ha ha). I just kept thinking, wow, my hard work has finally paid off-- I'm so happy I stuck it out and did that finance major.

Okay I'll just stop there because that's when I woke up and laid in bed with my eyes wide open thinking... I literally only have two more classes I'd need to take if I wanted to double major in finance. I could do one of those classes in the Spring and just take one last class in the summer or Fall and take that class alone so no matter how hard it is, even if it's with f*cking Young who takes pleasure in making his classes as insanely hard as possible to weed out the crap, I could still do it. I feel so empowered right now. So determined.

I'm registering for my classes today and I'm really hoping Tenerelli's investment class is being offered in the Spring. If he is I'm definately taking it along with the two classes I need to finish my Econ major and business minor. That being said I DEFINITELY NEED TO FIND A JOB IN ELLENSBURG to save some money. I want to be able to pursue every opportunity I can here and my Dad just keeps getting more and more stressed about the debt I'm accumulating. If I can just make enough money to live off of I will be set.

Today I'm going to write up a second cover letter and edit my resume to make it conducive to getting the floor position at Target that I applied for. I'm also going to call around Ellensburg to ask where people are hiring, if anywhere. I have a good enough handle on my current classes that I feel working and going to school won't be a problem, but Spring might be different. Whatever, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to reach my dreams and goals.

peace.

Looks only go so far, homie.

I've come to two realizations:

1. That it is not wise for me to consider dating someone younger than me and...

2. That I shouldn't bother dating guys that have not been in college long enough to have their hookups and partying over with. 

Okay I'll admit now that we're not talking anymore, what a cutie (ha ha ha)! The fact he was into me makes me flattered.

He's just in a different stage of maturity right now, even if he has gone to college for two years. I'm not saying Dalton's immature for a 20 year old, he's normal where his brain might be looking for hot girls with the simplest route to get laid and I'm too much of a challenge. Obviously girls are probably talking to him left and right so when we suddenly stopped talking around 4th of July I figure it's because he met someone else that's maybe a little.... easier. lol.

Alright moving on, probably the last time you'll hear me mention him.

Okay so I've got some exciting news..! 

Finally had the balls to add this girl on facebook. She's pretty damn cute and cool so I was nervous.

 It was funny actually meeting her at Brianna's party because having known Josh I'd wanted to meet her and had previously introduced myself when I worked at JCpenneys (I'd forgotten this and so had she). When we started talking she was like, "Hey did you work at JCPennies?" ..."Yup!!"  ... Ohh then I have met you! I thought it was weird I'd met two Emily's that talked to Josh in college and smoked before math with ... " Ha ha ha.

Tomorrow I'm going into Richland to meet Brianna's boss at Little Caeser's. Brianna is a head crew member there and is going to put in a good word to get me a job there. What's great about this job is that I know at least five of the employees-- Brianna's cousin Tawnee, Josh F., Josh's girlfriend Melanie, their friend Irina, and Josh's sister who unfortunately the name isn't coming up in my mind.. I hung out with all of them at Brianna's birthday recently and it was a great time. 

Alright well I'm gonna go take a run out in this heat. Try to get a little more color and get out of the house for awhile. Usually if I exercise I feel more motivated to practice guitar, too.

peace. 

Bored ass friday night. (My Mom's out partying and I'm sitting at the computer lol)

Hi. Soo, my day was going relatively well until I made this idiotic decision to buy the direct download of the Sims 2 Seasons expansion from Amazon and accidentally ordered the Sims 3 version. There's $16 down the toilet for nothing. Tomorrow I've got to put the $60 cash I've been hanging onto in my wallet back into my debit card because I now have no clue how much is in there. ...Stupid, stupid... 

Hate wasting money.

I do have some really good news though! I got a job interview at Maverick. This guy Brad called and asked me a few questions like whether or not I've got a reliable source of transportation and how long I'll be sticking around and what not. Every time I've gone to Maverick the people that work there seemed really friendly so I'd be happy to get the chance to work there.

They're open 24 hours so I should get a good number of hours if I let them schedule me whenever. I'd be fine with that, I've been sleeping at weird times lately anyway and would like to have some kind of routine again even if it's night shifts. It's going to feel nice to finally make some money and buy lots of new clothes for my last quarter in college.

Andrew and I are gonna be GAY amd MERRY at the Sance faire tomorrow!! 

Today was pretty boring. I finished painting the benches in the backyard and played guitar. I've been doing quite a bit of that lately. I'm going to exercise after I finish writing this and probably go to bed considering it's 10:30 and I've got a fun day planned tomorrow! Andrew C. scored me a vendor pass to get into the renaissance faire so I'm very excited to be getting in free this year. The fair is always a blast. I love going anywhere that people are dressed up in costume and some are taking it really seriously, lol. I've got a gypsy costume my mom helped me put together today.

Oh jeez I did have something interesting happen the other day. Dalton and I hung out for the first time the other evening. I invited him and Darren over to chill for a bit and we all just talked while the TV was on. Darren M. has been in town from Texas and staying at Jon K. house (which I passed like 6 times when I was working out at the orchard).

Dalton's going into his Junior year of college so has taken some business credits like accounting 251 and 252 so I was quite impressed. We kind of both related on the fact that we thought accounting's boring but it was fun to learn at the time. Darren is in the military so he was telling us about that style of life and how you live according to certain protocol but still do get a lot of free time. He was dating a girl for quite awhile and they'd just broken up so he brought her up a lot. You can tell she's still on his mind and might have come to Washington to not think about it, who knows.

Anyway I'm gonna get going. Dance time!! woo

peace. 

Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow

Evening folks, I've had a nice first week of summer so far.

last day working at the Edward's farm. 

First of all, I was able to land a brief farm job this summer two days after moving home. It lasted from Tuesday to Thursday morning which was a lot shorter than anticipated. The job itself was really easy in comparison to what I'd dealt with in my own family's orchard a few years back. Basically I was assigned to stand by these large white bins, wait for pickers to pour in a bucket of fruit, and punch their ticket to recognize they'd done it. The only manual labor I had to do was pick the leaves out and stack the boxes that weren't terribly heavy-- probably around 70 lbs, but just really bulky and awkward.

My crew was interesting because none of them I'd had extended interaction with before. All good guys though, like none of them were complete dicks about when I woke up an hour late on the first day (which ended up being canceled anyway, whew...). This guy Dalton did give me a little sh*t on facebook that day and added me as a friend. He was on my crew along with Vlad R. (Really smart kid for only being a Junior in highschool, impressive), Dalton's brother Brandon who was running the tractor, Jaron G. (who I could not believe is a sophomore in highschool now. Wow I felt old.), another 16 year old that looked a lot like that guy Abe and Cruz Del A. Cruz's uncle was there too and stopped by my bin a lot to talk to me and cracked me up. I remember him saying, "You've got them beautiful eyes God gave ya."

Doing this job gave me a little summer color and got me in better shape which was nice. I've been exercising every evening since. Maybe out of boredom and feeling a little stir crazy at home already, I dunno.

Today I applied for a job at Maverik and talked to a woman on the phone who said the boss wasn't going to be around until Tuesday but she will leave a sticky note on it to definitely give me a call because I sounded nice and they were still running interviews... Yay! They're looking for evening shift cashiers which is perfect for me-- I function the best at night, it'll keep me out of trouble, and will enable me to sleep in late if I want to cuddle with Marshall.

In other news, I finally got my new glasses. My Mom picked them up for me in Ellensburg when she had to go back to check out my apartment. I honestly dodged such a bullet there, those people that inspect the apartment are humongous assholes looking for any tiny thing to charge you for on your way out. Blegh. My mom is awesome.

Alright it's almost 10 pm, about my workout time. I've been really getting back into guitar since I arrived home. That's what I've been spending most of my freetime on lately. I'm sure that'll continue once I have a job. I've decided I'm not going to take a summer class and just take it online next winter. I could really use a break and for some reason my computer will NOT let me access the class on Canvas or Blackboard.

peace. 

First 400 level test... shit's about to get real

Evening.

Okay so, it's midnight... Again with this staying up super late. This night I'm going to make an improvement by trying to actually be asleep by 1:30 am. I know that doesn't sound like a major success but when you're like me and have been on this crazy routine where I'm eating the last meal of the day at 1 and finally getting to sleep at 3 am it's an improvement.... Last night I don't think I slept at all. Then I slept in until 1, actually got up at 2:30 pm, and felt like a complete sh*thead this morning for making zero improvement to my sleeping habits this week.

Six hours of studying and I'm still not 100% prepared....

Meh. Whatever, it is what it is. I have to think about what's important.

 Tomorrow I've got a big econ exam that since the beginning of this week have studied 6 1/2 hours for.  I'm planning on doing a few more before I go take the test... if things go right tomorrow morning that is and I'm able to actually get some sleep tonight like a normal person.

Guitar lessons went really well today. Jacob continues to be such an incredible inspiration for me. I was finally able to print Jacob's handtabbed Rondo alla Turca.. It's 6 pages long, he was able to transcribe the entire thing perfectly-- slurs, rests and all, on guitar pro for me in less than a week. He sent it to me last Thursday but I didn't get a chance to print it until yesterday but I did manage to get sufficient practice time before the lesson. He was impressed with the progress that I'd made on it so that made me happy, but he told me that this weekend when I come back to the tri cities I HAVE to get my strings re-set. He's going to refer me to a guy that could do it in 2 weeks for $50. 

You can see why I haven't done this yet. For me $50 is a lot of money considering I'm not earning any. The lessons are tough for me to pay for as it is and it seems like this Floyd Rose tremelo has cost me way more than it's worth from day 1. If I hadn't had the Floyd Rose on my guitar I could have changed the strings myself, saving me $30 every time I needed to change strings... And now I have to spend $50 to get the bridge adjusted. It's really stupid.

I think the bottom line is that I need a job. I've honestly made zero effort to find one because I've been so focused on this econ test. Tomorrow I plan to start looking after the test. I will come home to my apartment at around 2:15 pm, hopefully if things go right tomorrow morning feeling confident about the test and then I'll start the job search.

Alright talk to you guys later...

peace. 

Let me hear you scream.

Took out some pretty intense emotions today.

Was it a mistake I will later regret? No, because I have a right to freedom of speech and can post whatever I want on my facebook. The information that I posted was from evidence that I had heard all over town-- not just at home, and put together clues to come up with a conclusion of the motives of why  this happened. The opinions expressed were done by me alone, no names were used and there is therefore no jurisdiction for "slander." Therefore, I am content with opening a can of worms today and expressing what had happened even if my Mom got pretty angry when she heard that I did....

I've just been so angry about this situation this summer, it's put a huge amount of stress on all of our shoulders.

Heard this in the car today and wrote lyrics "I'm not sick but I'm not well" on my arm to remember to look up the song. I do this a lot lately because when I'm living in the tri cities I spend a lot of time driving around listening to 97 rock.

Guitar lessons went well today. Jake gave me another copy of AX7 etude which sounds incredible when it's done so I'm really inspired to get started on it. He gave it to me once about 6 months ago when I was nowhere near able to take a solid whack at this. After learning Invention I feel more confident in my ability to learn complex riffs.

DELUXE cat condo. 

Now that I'm off work and spent half my savings in the past week for misc. stuff that I've needed to buy for awhile. Like I bought Miranda's cat harness today and retractable leash. Miranda allowed me to put the harness on her and didn't seem too bothered by it-- maybe slightly disoriented like when you put a shirt on the cat and they fall on the floor. I think there's a good chance she'll get used to it. My mom is building a small cat condo for the living room. I'd like to someday buy a tall one. For some reason they remind me of Katharine's house growing up and make me happy.

Lots of practicing tomorrow.

peace. 

F**k it we don't have to be friends... Trust.

Hmm, that was quite a blogging hiatus. I'd mean to sit down and write a few times this week but would always have too much to do to really think about it.

Right now is my first real breath of fresh air after a five day, eight hour work streak.... That's forty hours... I am working full time at JCpenney this summer, what the Hell man. Ugh makes me excited for school to start. I'm hungry for new information and feel guilty that I was unable to read After the Music Stopped as much as I'd liked too this month.. With back to school season at work I've been working so much that it's difficult to find the discipline to sit down and read for recreation....

I've barely had the energy to adequately practice for my recital on the 31st. I've been using Jacob's practice methods this week where I have been taking quick rests in between practice increments and it seems to be working.... But will it be enough, in three days. I will work extremely hard on my days off to feel confident enough to play the entire piece by memory.

Katelynn and I are no longer friends. This time for good. The other night I went over to her friend Zach's apartment and I got a very cold vibe from her all night. I'll back up....

Right before guitar lessons I'd gotten a text from Katelynn asking what I was doing that night and I responded "nothing : )" and was just excited to spend time with her. I'd had a hell of a week, between my uncle Robert dying (his birthday is today), then Jay completely cutting contact which I had already somewhat anticipated from the beginning because of how he is.

**Note: I have no hard feelings for Jay. Now that this is said and done I realize this is the best thing he probably could have done because he's probably going to start working in Oregon. Ellensburg is further away from Oregon then the tri... He works hard enough as it is and probably just didn't see himself driving four hours to see me on the weekends when the school year starts and didn't know how to say it. 

We'll probably cross paths again down the road. Or not, that's life. It's clear that even someone that egotistical can have feelings for me, though being in a relationship with one is a different story.

When I'd brought up Zach to Katelynn she was like, "Oh that guy that's cute but says weird shit and kind of reminds me of Ron Weasley?"

Someone actually took interest in me out of the blue recently... His name is Zach H. and I work with him. I'd seen him around a few times but didn't really take notice because I thought he was like 18. We were texting eachother a lot that night because we were both drinking and wanted to see eachother. So though I feel like Katelynn was looking for a reason to be mad at me that night for something I said or did, it was very hard to pinpoint one because I was acting distant which probably made things even worse.

Anyway, didn't do anything in particular to make Katelynn mad at me, aside from being beautiful and getting attention from guys that she wanted. Hooking up was the LAST thing on my mind that night, which I did vocalize when I had a few drinks in me and I'm sure was a buzzkill for katelynn because I'm pretty sure she was thinking otherwise. Her and Alan are done for good and Alan is saying Katelynn basically needs to move her stuff out... which I honestly don't blame him for because she's only treated him like shit for the past few months-- I mean I witnessed it and it got to the point I didn't even like to hang out when Alan was there because it was awkward.

Anyway Katelynn found the thing that let her break the friendship off for good. I had left my bag in her car and she scowled at me when she lent it to me in the break room. Chad and I went out to find her car and once I got my bag I remember sticking the key in the libby bag. I then accidentally returned the libby back without giving the key back to her, which I then quickly found....

When I found her in the dress department with her key she stormed up to me and said "Give me my fucking key" and then marched off. There was a group of Hispanic girls that work in the dress department that were like "woah...." and chuckled kind of awkwardly. I'm sure I looked pretty confused, smiling there saying "Alrighty then have a good night..." Ha ha ha.

Yeah haven't seen or heard from her since then. Whatever I don't even care anymore, our friendship hasn't been the same since I lost trust in her on 4th of July and I can't stand her negativity and constant cursing anymore.

peace.

Annnnd all the more reason I hate my job and want to go back to eburg

Tonight sucked.

I have never experienced anything like it. My shift was from 4 pm-12 am, long shift and I worked especially hard today because I knew that "corporate" was coming in tomorrow so I wanted to make everything look really nice. I tried sooo hard today.. We were trying to make the store absolutely "perfect" which is why they're going to be up working on it all night.

I'm sorry, I'm not that much of a perfectionist.... When it came to 12 am and J. is telling me I need to finish this huge project before I'm allowed to go I started to feel kind of paranoid. I mean I'd barely eaten anything for dinner which was hours before. So I'm sitting here folding clothes, sizing clothes, folding clothes, sizing clothes..... I ask him again at 12:30 or so to come check it out. He finds something wrong, essentially doesn't say anything and walks off.

He did this to me three times because apparently my work wasn't adequate to these absurd standards... like everything was folded and sized but the stupid plastic tags had to line up evenly. I was getting light headed and very paranoid.

My coworkers were released before me for doing such a "fantastic" job on some wall. I'm just thinking to myself, excuse me after all I did organizing that girls section today you're going to hold me hostage here like I haven't done my work? When they were released I'd asked one of them, "What's the deal can we leave?" And this J. and this chick was like "Oh no you're staying."

12:55 am. Two of my managers come upstairs to inspect everything. They meet up with J. and start inspecting everything. One of them looked at one of the shelves that I did and was like "Oh who did this? There shouldn't be jeans there..." I thought for sure someone was gonna start pointing fingers at me and I almost broke down.

One of my older managers saw me and she's like "Are you okay?" And I'm sure my eyes were probably watery at this point, I said "No I'm exhausted and starving and want to go home..." I had worked for 4 and a half hours straight without a break or a snack and I had just had it. She's kindly said "Go home then..." Thank God, I'd felt rescued.

I know it probably sounds petty to most of you but for me that was just such a horrible experience tonight... You guys know how hard I work. This job has just made my summer a drag. I hate night shifts, I hate dealing with the tiny clothes, I hate being stuck dealing with a handful of annoying people when I have good friends working downstairs (*granted I have started to like most of my coworkers upstairs so that's been nice)....

I'm so excited to be back in Ellensburg honestly. And with Jay, who I did get a text from this morning so that made me feel pretty giddy most of the day. Poor thing, he slept all day long... I'm just really hoping he gets some time to hang out the next couple days. Working the past four days has been such a drag.

peace.

Week so hard I didn't want to write

I haven't written in six days because I've either been completely exhausted or puking my guts out.

Seriously though, I got so sick a couple days ago. Luckily I didn't have work that day but I am still feeling the aftershock of it and it sort of sucked my energy out today. JCpenny has not been easy for me to work at because I've felt really stupid the last couple days... their register is kind of difficult and there are soo many things that customers need besides just buying the damn clothes. It makes me miss Rite Aid.

All my coworkers are pretty nice. They've been extremely accommodating to this learning curve. I never feel like I'm doing things correctly unless I've mastered it so it's been very uncomfortable for me using the register for the past few days. I've felt really panicked and horrible... I'm planning on writing myself a cheat sheet so I won't have to be as stressed out on Tuesday.

My back has been killing me. I can hardly remember anyone's names that I've met in the past week but they're all seeming to try to get to know me and be super friendly. I generally don't give people an inch about my personal life in the work place... but because I'm working with all of these people that are around my age I've felt like I've needed to be more talkative... It's been really hard. I'm usually really confident but it's hard to not think people are judging me when I'm fucking up.

I've cried a lot the past couple days. I mean for one thing I was completely unable to sleep the other night and wasn't able to sleep again until the next day at 9:00 pm. I think I hate my job right now and it's freaking me out because I'm going to be there the rest of the summer and I have to figure a bunch of stuff out or it's going to be miserable. 

It's going to take awhile to get the hang of working there, that's all I'm going to say. I know what I've written is pretty vague but I don't want to go into individual scenarios because I don't even want to think about it. I mean I need this job obviously and I'm going to do everything I can to figure it out but I just hate it right now and want to quit.

But I can't. I'm stuck. I know I don't have enough motivation to go out and find another job. I also know that it's how difficult it would be to get an employer to take me on when I'm moving in two months.

Alright I'm going to play guitar. Today's been awful.

peace.

Lol look it's Miranda's nazi cousin Franz.

New job and buying junk out of boredom

Well I've got some good news, guys.

For those of you that don't know already I got the job at JCpennies so that'll be starting here in a week or so. I'm really hoping both of my jobs will start soon because I am bone broke. Still haven't gotten word back from Rite aid about the drug test or when I'd be starting so hopefully that's around the corner as well.

I went to the mall with Katelynn yesterday and spent a bunch of money on stuff I probably didn't really need, like a new bra, an eyeshadow palette from Sephora and a ton of jewelry at Claires for their 10 for $10 sale. If I was smart about how I spent my money I would have bought some black slacks for work... nope!

Whatever, things like this really add a little extra joy to my day...

Onigiri earrings. I have a bunch of little sushi earrings with smileys on them like this and I look forward to wearing them to work. Sort of a blast from the past for me, but what the hell they were a dollar.

I've been off Prozac because I've been unable to get my prescription refilled without meeting with my doctor. I'm going to my appointment on Monday at 9:15. Prozac has really worked for me so it's irritating to not have it for the weekend because I will inevitably be feeling lethargic and headachey... like today I slept about 4 hours after I'd eaten breakfast, what a waste! Regardless of this I've been feeling pretty good the last couple days because of my recent success in getting the job so I'm just hoping to kick back this weekend and not worry about anything. 

But yeah haven't been up to much aside from working on getting my job, playing a ton of guitar and hanging out at home. I feel pretty content lately, and for that reason don't have much to say. Goodnight all.

peace. 

Seeing things more optimistically

I try anyway.

Well right now I'm in the process of probably killing my poor computer again by downloading the Sims 2. I just got a new hard drive with higher capacity so I have noticed that it is running faster now then it did before.  That could be kind of short lived if I start in with the Sims junk, but whatever I'm going to enjoy my computer. This game is from what, 2006? It should be easy to download and play without problems. I'm in the process of creating a whole new town with new residents (which are always quite accurate if I do say so myself). I've got to be careful with the downloading custom content because that's what always leads to problems. Trusted sources only.

Today's been a pretty productive day, but there is no telling how this will turn out.... I went to rite aid this morning to talk to my manager and she got me set up in the computer. I can't remember her name, but I do know she's from Toronto, Canada and likes math. I already like her more than I initially liked Dana to be honest with you. Dana was always kind of feisty but I never had any real issues with her. Anyway, got into Rite Aid, met up with her.. She told me that I needed my drivers license and social security card to scan in the computer before going to get my drug test. Alright, no problems, those two things are always in my wallet, right...? NOPE. Had to run home and get the card, I knew exactly where it was too because I had just applied to JCPennies yesterday. Dad's office. If it would have been on my bedroom counter I would have spotted it this morning and wouldn't of had to make the extra trip but hey, whatevvvvver.

Coming home did give me a chance to deliver my Mom's cell phone back to her office and give my sister the debit card to go grocery shopping. I'd told her this morning that I was planning to go even though I didn't want to and my sister was like "No I'M going grocery shopping, I always do." I'm like Hey, no problems!! ha ha, sooner I could get done with my drug test the sooner I could get home and practice my guitar and enjoy a little relaxation.



Yesterday I played tennis with this guy named Lois that I've never mentioned. My mom has says numerous times that he's chill and I had heard that he was really athletic so I invited him to play tennis with me yesterday. This was of course after some brief conversation about guitar and some other things. He just graduated but he's 19. Anyway it was chill hanging out with him and like I expected he picked up tennis immediately. Some people are just good at sports in general and I was dying to get out and play yesterday.

My a** hurts... and my calves. Tennis is pretty strenuous on the body but I had a blast playing yesterday. Lois and I played a few games but didn't even finish a whole match because we both got tired. But yeah I'd never even met him before, I mean obviously because he was in my sister's graduating class and that seemed a lot younger than me but as I've gotten older I've stopped worrying about it. I'm very non-discriminatory about who I talk to and hang out with as long as they're not dangerous or very stupid.

That's all I have to say, really. Hopefully the test went well... I really do enjoy my job and what I do in my personal time should not dictate my position in the working world. I am a very hard working, honest, responsible person that gets shit done and that's what employers want. If this doesn't go well I'll have to keep looking.

peace.

First days of summer has been pretty tough.

This one's gonna have a lot of curse words, guys. It's been a rough weekend, honestly.

Here's me in the living room pretty shortly after we'd got back from dinner. I'd packed all those boxes in the background but most of them we had to repack because I did a very crappy, rushed job without even realizing it. Ha ha, great pic though, damn look at those nice forearms..

I called my mom a couple days ago at 3 pm when I thought I had nearly everything packed and suddenly she said she was coming. It was a ton of work to get my apartment emptied out and cleaned, but I was definitely more than ready to go when we did. Now that I'm home I still have a lot on my mind.

When my mom came up to help me back the other night I suddenly kind of broke down about the emotions that I'd been feeling this weekend.

I mean don't get me wrong, my mom and I were having an awesome time hanging out together, especially with my roommate not around so I could be a little more like my old loud self.

Around midnight I went on facebook and made the worst mistake-- looked on Jack's facebook because my mom and I had been talking about him. F*cking Jack of course is hanging out with some girl right now, and OF COURSE there has to be pictures!!! He's always getting tagged in these photos hanging out with girls and having his arm around them and like she's the new sliced bread. It's the dumbest thing and just hurts me because it's these girls have nothing on me-- I'm extremely smart, I'm becoming a very skilled guitar player, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have a great sense of humor, I'm compassionate, I'm pretty, I'm on my way to being successful.. And apparently this just isn't enough for him and nothing ever is which makes it really f*cked for me that I still have feelings for him when clearly he's never appreciated me who I am at all.

Jacob always, always tells me just not to worry about it. He tells me that I don't need it and that if I just funnel all of my energy into self improvement and what's important.... I know that he's right and I do, every day is a new day of work for me. It doesn't matter if it's a day off school or I have plans or whatever I have to play my guitar and get things done like study or clean or I feel like I've wasted that day.

I realize that the fact of the matter is that I've easily been able to shut things out of my mind when I had a ton of responsibilities at school but now that I'm home with an entire summer lying ahead I need to make some responsibilities... I just need to keep creating daily goals and things to work on to keep myself preoccupied and I'll be okay, it's just been a hard weekend for me. I mean the moving process, being stressed about getting this job, being behind on my guitar lesson payments, being broke, feeling kind of lonely because I left school and I don't know how many of those people I will see again...

Transitions man, I'm in one right now and I'm just trying to ease my mind. I definitely feel a lot better now that I've written but I am still going to meditate, pray and play my DS for a bit to further calm my mind. I just let my emotions kind of overcome my mind today. These kind of emotions are completely useless and I am proud of myself for getting to the point where I rarely feel this way anymore unless something really stressful is going on and I feel kind of lost and emotionally overwhelmed where I would LIKE to have someone to feel cares about me and wants to spend time with me and that I like back. I want someone to understand me and appreciate me for everything that I am.. Not today, it's still not my turn and fate says I'm not ready yet so
I just have to keep working until that day comes.

peace.

. 

Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

This weekend gave me a lot of time to think...

Morning.

I finally broke the question to Kristin about whether she's staying or going this summer. She's moving out on the 8th, which means I have less than a month to find a new roommate and a job. I plan to continue my search this week. I haven't gotten one call back yet which is discouraging but I'm going to keep trying. I really want to take that class this summer..

This week I also have to give that persuasive speech. I think I'll put together that presentation today, shouldn't take too long and putting it behind me now will save a lot of stress later. This weekend has been pretty boring but fine. My brain feels pretty rested for the upcoming week.

So today will be a good day if I do the following:

- Practice at least hour of guitar

- Read + Note take stats chapter 14 (think it's my third time going through this, apparently this is very important...)

- Read 1st half of Money and Banking chapter for econ...

- Create presentation on Meditation for Speech

And of course eat good food, try not to stress out, not spend all day scrolling through facebook, etc etc.. If I get started early I have plenty of time to get all this done.

Last night I was able to get into a really deep state of meditation to the point that my limbs felt completely gone, it was so cool. Meditation has allowed me to start sleeping on my back instead of my side which I have read is better for your skin.

Initially I was pretty stoked when Jack and I were spending time together again but not talking for an entire week has sort of killed it. Jack told me that he hates texting.. Okay, well, if you hate texting it would be nice if you would at least offer to grab coffee or something throughout the week if he was actually interested in me. It's like shit, don't do me any favors buddy.

Terry on the other hand has been texting me quite a bit since he asked for my number on Tuesday. He asked what I was doing this weekend on Friday and suggested we hang out which was different for him. He's usually not that forward in person. We texted each other on Friday but I think he's been out partying this weekend. I'm hoping we get a chance to study together either this evening or tomorrow. Or who knows, actually hang out...

We'll see.

peace.

Let's reminisce. And some job updates.

Hello.

So I just got done with one of my main chores this weekend which was to deliver my resume/job application to the liquor store, as well as the Roadhouse, and then I also picked up a couple applications to deliver to WingCentral. It sucks not having a printer, I had to give the Liquor store people a copy of my resume that had another business's name scratched out.

I was hoping to see the manager today but I did talk to the man I'd talked to yesterday again. He said that they are planning on hiring a part time employee for the summer and I could potentially get more hours. Good, that's what I want. The more hours I can get this summer the more money I can make. There's a lot more earning potential for me here in Ellensburg then back in the tri cities because I don't have to drive nearly as much. That AND I'll be able to keep my place here...

Of course because I'm going to be working so much and still playing guitar I'm probably going to be a lot more busy and tired than I am right now with school. My schedule right now is actually pretty easy in comparison to the "real world." I only go to class 3 hours a day and then the rest is spent studying, playing guitar or messing around online.

Class registration for summer is tomorrow. Again I've decided not to take classes. I'm not in any race to graduate and have some investment planning job somewhere, I'm not ready for that right now because I need a better understanding of how businesses actually run in society.

So I'm really just crossing my fingers. If I can get this job part time as well as a hostess job I'll be set for this summer.

Last night me and Jack hung out. I'd gotten ready to go to a party with Allie at around 9' but ended up accidentally falling asleep... I guess I felt like meditating for a little while and... oops. Anyway I got a call from Jack at 1 in the morning, and he was walking around somewhere outside. He asked if I wanted to hang out, I said yes and unable comprehend directions of where he wanted to meet exactly he just ended up showing up here.

It's really too early to say what's going on in Jack's head at this point because I'm so shocked that we've hung out twice to be honest with you guys. It's just totally weird that we're suddenly hanging out and everything's cool after all this craziness. We had some really good talks yesterday about things, like about why things kept happening the way that he did..


I guess it just comes down to the fact that his friends back in Benton city always acted weird around me which is why we didn't really work out back then. He said this last night and I agree, they always did-- it's because I was never nice to them as kids. Like Jesse and Ryan... I was always kind of a snit because I was shy and they were always kind of mean to me when we were little. So as we got older things just continued to be that awkward between us, which is why I never came anywhere near his friends in highschool and when we hung out back then it was always really hush-hush which was really annoying to me.


The truth is however is I understand why he didn't want to bring me around people... I was kind of weird... and really negative. And a lot of that just comes from feeling insecure which a lot of people can read, and sophomore year when I met Jack was an especially bad year for me in general. I was dealing with..
 the fallout of the Chino relationship ending, 
...his psycho sister making those flyers about me, 
...Kandyce's friends gunning for me, 
...I took WELDING with Jessica S. and didn't have a partner in weight training that year
....Katharine and I weren't on good terms 
..so I was hanging out with Tony's GIRLFRIEND at lunch... (awkward)
...And the hot new foriegn girl in school that Jack wanted to get with and would ask me advice on how to get her.

2008 was a complete bitch, yet at the same time I remember dealing with it pretty well considering what was going on. Lol video games got me through that time pretty well...

This is the game I used to play continually that year and I guess it numbed my mind. 

peace.

This has been a pretty boring week so far

Man, after this shopping trip tonight I better have a job by the next time I need to go.

I have been searching quite a bit, networking around, etc... I'm hoping I can at least get an interview in the next week. Getting to that step is the most difficult part. I'm pretty sure if I could just get the interview I could schmooze my way into whatever I need. Tomorrow I'm going to call that steak house I delivered an application to yesterday as well as print out two more resumes for a couple restaurants around. There's also another place that's hiring that someone I happened to meet at Fred Meyer told me about when I asked him where the applications were located.

To be honest I don't want to work retail. I'd much rather have a more interactive job like being a waitress because it's so fast paced. Retail is boring but I will do what I have to do.

Today was pretty lame to be honest. I wasn't able to focus very well, I had to go grocery shopping so I didn't get to study, and now I'm exhausted and will probably go to bed without exercising now. Meh, I just feel like I wasted a lot of time today. Kind of feeling sad, this whole week has been quite boring to be honest and I've got little motivation to do anything else tonight.

I don't know, it's like I haven't hung out with anyone this week and that's kind of depressing but on the bright side I've made some major progress on the guitar this week. I'm really starting to get more comfortable with chord progression and Jacob is nudging me in that direction too. Our lesson was good today, you guys know me Thursdays are one of my favorite days because of my lesson alone. I just love the guitar so much I don't know where I'd be right now without it...

peace.

Next hottest truck stop waitress?

Today's been pretty unproductive for the most part. I woke up pretty exhausted because I was up until 3 in the morning last night.. you guys will never guess where I was.

One highlight I want to make sure to mention today is that I finally had the stamina to start calling around online to find a restaurant that was hiring waitresses or hostesses. I found out that Perkins is hiring so I quickly filled out an application on publisher, printed it up at the library and drove over there around 8:30. Perkins is a place that a lot of elderly people and truckers eat at. I'm really used to working with old people from Rite aid so I think I'll do just fine.


So last night Jack and I hung out. Crazy, right? I'd texted him around midnight and he suddenly asked if I wanted to hang out right then. Pretty stoked but looking like absolute crap I told him to give me 20 minutes. I got ready pretty quickly, smoked a little to take the edge off, and headed off towards Chestnut. Jack is such a turd, he told me to go there but he really meant he wanted to meet me at 18th which is in the opposite direction.

He ended up walking all the way to the sidewalk outside my apartment. He hid behind a tree until I met up with him, and he was kind of buzzed and really freezing. I was surprised, he basically was immediately clinging onto me until we walked to his house where his roommate had passed out drunk in the bathroom. I set my stuff in Jack's room and sat there for awhile looking around.

He just finished lacrosse yesterday. Jack always has to be up to something so it's clear that he's taken some sort of interest in me again-- which should always be taken with a grain of salt because I've been down this road many, many, many times. It's crazy that we actually hung out yesterday-- even he said it, we've always never been able to for one reason or another. He was surprisingly open and comfortable with me though so I was pretty happy that there's no like awkwardness between us. We had a lot of fun reminiscing.

So yeah that's what's new with me. I've got some studying to do tonight. It's 9:30 but I just had some coffee at Perkins so I'll be able to stay up for a little while. Figure if I hope back and forth between guitar and homework until midnight I should be peachy.

peace 

4/20, not doing much but thinking this year

Yeah not much word from Terry at all this weekend. I'm not going to say that I'm not disappointed, I thought after this week of being pretty friendly with eachother that he'd want to take the time to hang out again. I guess not. I'm not really worried about it but I am a bit disappointed because I got ready tonight and have nowhere to go. I went to Bradley's house for about 20 minutes because I said I'd stop in but I was kind of feeling emotionally drained.

Today I dyed my hair. Originally I was going to dye it BLONDE-- which would have been a nightmare almost inevitably. Better leave that to professionals if I ever wanted to lighten up.

I just took this a second ago and decided to upload it. This is me being a shut in on 4/20, a day I thought for sure I'd be out doing something. OH well at least I have facebook and my blog to keep me company. I'm wondering how Ashley's classes are going, it's about time I give her a call before I start my week. Ha ha she's like my counselling session, I call her and I feel better about my overall outlook on things.

I've had someone on my mind lately. She hasn't responded to my message and it's been a few days so I was like, "Huh..." but then I realized it was her birthday this weekend which makes me think she hasn't had easy access to her facebook inbox. I told her she should text me in the message with my number and I hope she does, I was quite honestly intrigued by our message exchange recently; like I'm excited to get to know this person and I'm hoping she doesn't pull back from me like she did in highschool because I was probably quite loud when she didn't say boo, ha ha ha.

I really more than anything want a chance to listen to her and ask her questions.

Yesterday I got a text message from Abe saying that he apologized for our situation... like, how we abruptly stopped talking after I flipped out on him. I can't really blame him for not wanting to deal with me at the time. I was dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety and baggage that probably made me come off as a more pessimistic person than I am today.

Anyway we kind of updated eachother on what we've been up too and Abe was asking about whether or not I was doing a minor. He said that getting a minor does not necessarily mean having to take a ton of additional classes like I thought it would. I am going to check out the different minors offered one of these days. I should probably also fill out an application to the college of business at some point. Will I take classes this summer? I don't know.

I think I just need to get a job. Seriously it's getting a little silly that I haven't found one, I'm looking around and starting to realize this. I'm tired of feeling kind of guilty spending my money which I've been quickly depleting lately because I've been putting more effort into my looks.

If I was earning some money I could buy more stuff... like nailpolishes, makeup, clothes, maybe some jewelry here or there, perfume... I've become more conscious about how I present myself, especially posture. Just having awareness and presenting myself well is going to do me a lot of good. Yet it's somehow not enough for the guys that I'm generally really attracted to? Ha ha, I mean seriously I think Terry's just blowing me off. Maybe he really does just want to study with me on the weekdays and that's it. Maybe he's just totally over spending time with me. Blughhh I can't think about that, it's so stupid.

I just have to remember this-- Whatever happens with Terry, if nothing else from this day forward, it was still an extremely useful encounter in my life because he was part of the reason I switched my major which will highly influence my career setting for the rest of my life. So in the most likely event that we will both graduate, take our own paths and never see eachother again, I'm at least happy for what has occured over these past couple months. It's really boosted my confidence to know that I've really got a clear cut long term goal that I'm working toward.

I was never that excited about human resource management.

peace.