Spending the weekend at home. Needed to get away.

Hey all.

Well the end of the month is already here and I've done three whole blog entries. This'll make four. This month has definitely had its ups and downs. Part of me really thought by this point I'd have a job. Nope. I've been applying around Ellensburg and nothing's materialized yet. I did have an interview at Safeway but haven't heard back from them. It'd be awesome if they did offer me the position but it's almost been a week since the interview and I'm guessing they've already made their decision so I need to keep looking.

This quarter is almost over. Two more regular weeks before finals. I'm gonna have one more quarter and maybe this summer to find a good job after graduation if I want to avoid moving back home. Ugh I don't want that to happen at all. It's gonna take a lot of work and research to find something good. I need to make it like part of my homework next month.

Here's a drawing I completed this weekend. I have another family picture I want to do but honestly would rather do it with a bigger canvas. This drawing I wanted to include Amie's boyfriend but ran out of room. As you might have noticed I did shade the skin in this drawing. Amie's looks a little blotchy so I'm undecided if I want to continue doing this. Regardless I hope she likes the completed product, it kept my mind busy today.

Tomorrow I'm probably just going to do a lot of reading for school and my Dad and I are going into town. I should also pick up my prescription that I was finally able to pee clean for, lol. I decided not to pick it up until school starts again because that's really the only time that I need it and wanted to avoid wasting them. I'm hoping not dealing with as much depression and anxiety from this medication will help me continue moving in the right direction.

Midterms went well. I got a 90% on my marketing test and I think I also did good on my finance midterm. Can't say for sure how I did until class tomorrow (or Wednesday, because I know an athlete in class didn't take it yet so for quality control we have to wait). I'll let you know how that went. 

This last couple weeks did have somewhat of an emotional tole on me because I mistakenly crushed on someone that got the completely wrong impression of me and it pissed me off. I definitely had fun hanging out with him a couple times and didn't think it was going anywhere until Valentines day when he posted this picture of a girl he was spending it with. That night he texted me at 1:30 am wanting to see me and of course the next day I was like "Dafuq? Seriously?" and kind of chewed him out. Since that night I noticed he was acting distant so I figured it was over. To make matters more confusing we actually did end up hanging out once after that and it went from being super flirtatious with eachother to us both acting strictly platonic. 

I honestly just figured it was because he was into this other girl. But instead of being honest with me he gave me this shpeel about how "we don't mesh well because you seem like the type of girl that would poke holes in condoms and you also seem racist which is a huge turnoff. Sorry." I'm like oh my god, are you f*cking shitting me? 

He said I seemed that way because I said I didn't agree with abortion with consensual sex which is why if we ever did anything to be cautious. He said I seemed racist because when we were watching some crazy gangland show I said something he apparently took as derogatory toward black people and right after he insulted Mexicans. He's got big giant anti-religious insignia down his calf, and he has the nerve to call me a hateful person??

...I'm just like yeah don't fucking flatter yourself, I'm graduating in three months, you think I want some screaming baby from a SHORT 25 year old with ugly tattoos and doesn't even have his shit together? F*ck you!! 

Sorry I had to get that off my chest. The fact that he sits diagonally across from me and lives a road over makes me happy this damn quarter is going to be over soon because I'm sick of seeing his face. We've been avoiding even making eye contact. He's such a puke, definitely did not deserve an iota of my time or feelings. We literally and hung out a few days before I broke up with Travis and I thought he was such a badass because he liked the same kind of music as me and played the bass.

Once again, I've learned the lesson that men that like the exact same kind of music as me are generally messed up in the head and should be avoided. 

peace. 

maybe people piss me off.

Hmm.

Well it's 1:21 am. Miranda is laying on my bed with a smile on her face. Makes me happy to see her this happy around me again. For the past week and a half or so I've barely seen her, she's either been outside under the BBQ or in my sister's room. Who knows maybe she's in here when I'm working.

Did my 5 pm-12 am shift today. It was easy enough, nobody really bothered me. Though I feel kind of anxious about the fact that suddenly the whole cleaning system is going to change and each section is going to be fully responsible for when they go home and their MANAGERS will tell them when they can leave... and of course I've got J. Apparently this starts in September... I can survive anything for a month. But ugh God it just sucks, to be honest I'm so tired of working in the kids department. It gets so messy and it's such a pain in the ass every day.. especially when you've got people on your team that aren't pulling their weight.


Candace today was singing and "color organizing" clothes while I was running around doing go-backs so I could start you know, getting things together so that we don't have to leave at 11:45 pm... I caught her doing this shit today too, I'm like "Candace what are you doing?....Uh, I think we could probably use more help getting go-backs out from the boys fitting room.." The thing is that it's so transparent that she knew this so she's like "Sorry!" immediately after I'd asked what she was actually doing there when there was piles of clothes on the ground 20 feet away.

This is why my job is truly exhausting and annoying. Our boss Tomas had a group meeting tonight after we'd closed (We got out EARLY! Wow, awesome, 11:20 let's gtfo...) This meeting dragged on for 25 minutes because people wouldn't shut the hell up and let him talk. I wanted to slap the hell out of this girl standing next to me. Lol I love Jasmine, she's like "Some of us would like to go home tonight please." We kept on catching eachother's glances at the meeting because it was obvious we were both exhausted and wanted to go home.

I like Jasmine, I respect her a lot. She works hard and she's one of the main reasons I haven't put more effort into switching departments honestly. Cassandra is the girl with the long black hair, accent that comes from Texas. God for the longest time I haven't been able to remember anyone's names. I actually had to ask her what her name was when I had to briefly call J. today and she looked pretty ticked off. I should really try to be more friendly toward her. I feel she puts in effort too.

I never really know what to say to anyone. People were talking a lot tonight but I found myself completely unable to really get into conversations with anyone. It's like I have nothing to really talk about with anyone because my mind is so one track lately. All that's on my mind is guitar lately. Well... and Jay. Haven't talked to him in a couple days. I kind of wish he'd text me more often. I wanted to text him this evening but I looked at our message history and I had sent the last 2 so I felt kind of lame.

Meh. He's got stuff to do, I like that. Still I don't even know what to think of this. I still feel like he's going to suddenly text me and say that he just thought it over and changed his mind. Because guys just do that, they change their minds like nothing

peace. 

Who cares

Yo.

Let's see it's almost 1:30. Actually got up at 12:30 because I was too tired to stay awake after breakfast. Miranda was laying there so cutely, how could I resist. Uhm let's see I've got work, AGAIN, at 4... That's the forth day in a row. I know, nobody cares because everyone has to work-- most people have more stressful jobs than I do. I actually really like that this job lets me do a lot of walking around because I felt kind of stuck at the register at Rite Aid. That sucked and was quite boring.

Some shower thoughts:

I realize now that in my life I've always expected instant manifestation of my wants because that's what I've always demanded. I feel this is one of the reasons I never had luck with men growing up, is because deep down I thought so highly of myself and was so spoiled that I wanted to get "all attention right now right this second" which would throw guys off. Like that's the only way I can explain it. I just wanted the instant gratification of having someone there when in actuality that's something that has to be worked for. 

In the past year I have learned to be much more patient in school, work and life and try to live as independently as possible in the present. I do what I have to do and if I'm busy being alone no longer bothers me at all. 

I've been feeling pretty emotionally stable lately. Work has gotten a lot easier and they actually put me on the schedule in dresses yesterday so we'll see if that's permanent. Kids is annoying to work in but the people that I work with have been pretty nice so it doesn't matter. Shoot I just realized I don't have much time to write, I'll write again later after work maybe I've gotta eat lunch right now though... I've had a lot on my mind lately that I want to remember later... I'll write for sure tomorrow.

peace.

Late night study blues. Don't even read.

Good evening all. It's getting late. I've pumped my brain with some caffiene at 9:00 so I know I could stick it out for another couple of hours and still be just fine in class tomorrow without wearing myself out.

I shouldn't be worried about wearing myself out anyway, tomorrow's Friday and there isn't even a finite midterm exam. That's going to be next Thursday. For our last chapter we've been working on very introductory statistics. Note to self: (Note to any of my readers, skip this useless crap)

We're using median, range and mean in a set of values. With these values we can find the Z score and standard deviations from the mean the point is located. There is a formula to get the variance which you take the square root of to get the Standard deviation of a sample. The formula is Sum of X squared (so add together all X values after squaring them)-(Sum of X*Sum of X (or sum of X squared)/n) (number in sample i.e. "10 consecutive nights) ALL divided by n-1. So number in the sample-1. If the values in a set of data is mound-shaped, 68% of values in the data set are between X bar- S (sample mean-1 standard deviation) and x bar+1. 
Empirical rule: Approximately 95% of the values between X bar - 2 S (sample mean and 2 standard deviations from the mean). Virtually all data is between 3 standard deviations of the mean. This has to do with Chebyshev's Theorem. This rule provides a quick way to approximate a standard deviation. Because all data is within 3 standard deviations on either side of the mound shape, or within 3 standard deviations of the mean, the span of the range between the largest and smallest point should be about six standard deviations from the mean. Take the largest value minus the smallest value, but then you must figure out what to divide by. In the last case we would use six because there's 6 standard deviations, but this only works with sample sizes over 200 for some reason. So n >/ 200, Range/6= Range Approximation for S. 50</n</199=Range/5. 16</n</49=Range/4, N</15=Range/sqrRt N. This is to get the value S, which is the sample standard deviation. When you are just given a set of values you can still find the variance which can then be converted to the standard deviation by using the formula Sum x^2 (add together all X values after squaring them)-(Sum of X*Sum of X/n))/n-1 N being the number in the sample given. You can get percentages for probability frequency by dividing the total in the sample that correspond to each value divided by the total number of values (typically given in problem. i.e. 52 sizes of jerseys total and your looking at the set of values for 15 of them selected randomly)

And THAT... is what I've learned over the past few days of studying this stuff. I'm still two days behind. Luckily, because there's no "midterm" tomorrow I've got some time to get caught up. The test tomorrow should just be over what I just described to you, and nothing in later sections that he's gone over the past few days but have me completely lost. I can't skip econ tomorrow like I have the past couple fridays. I've got a quiz tomorrow.

I'm also lucky that the quiz is on chapter 10. Here it is 11:16 and if I get in a solid hour on this, make up some flash cards to take with me in the morning and sneak them in English.. I should be golden. I should also exercise tonight. I feel like I've been so stressed out lately that I've been eating more. Food just tastes good to me lately, and the last time I went grocery shopping I got a sufficient amount of delicious munchies that have me going through my cabinets more frequently.

I'd like to keep this picture for later. I posted it to facebook today as well. Look at that, all the guitar shapes. I intend to own at least one of all of them someday, is that wild? He he he. What guitarist does not fantasize about having an extraordinary collection? 

I also had to revise and write up a works cited page for first English arguement paper. I think it's pretty good. I didn't really utilize the articles as much as I stated my personal opinions on the matter based on common knowledge.. which I hope she won't mark me off for. Really the only thing I used the articles for was for the studies.

I've been working very hard today to have the ability to see Abe tomorrow and be able to relax with him for awhile, as well as go to a bonfire I got invited too. I also intend to practice my guitar, of course. Jake gave me this sick new song tonight. It sounds so cool, guys, it's going to be a challenge. 

This is the song, 

J.S. Bach Invention No. 8 in F Major

 Apparently this is "Neo-classical"

So I've still got this economics to study. I don't want to do it. At 12:30 I'm going to bed whether I feel like it or not cause if I stay up later than that my whole day will be groggy tomorrow.

peace. 

Owld People! My first day working at Rite Aid.

YAY, first day of work. I'm super hungry so it's hard to think... Note to self, tomorrow I work from 10-2 PM.

It went pretty well, even if it was very very long.. I was definately the youngest one there today by at least ten years. The day starting out doing this career test called CSI's. Basically, you are talked through these extremely long and boring slides and then you have to answer questions about what had been read to you. It's not hard, a lot of it was common sense, but it's a test of focus. I sat there for two hours doing the CSI's before I got a break, and I barely even made a dent in them.

After doing the CSI's I got cashier training from a really sweet lady named Claudia. She's ridiculously sweet and patient with me, and I tried my hardest and knew I probably got a little bit frustrating a couple times. The cash register is pretty simple in comparison to Toys R Us. Not that much to learn, and not very many promotional things. Sometimes people brought in coupons, but it's not like every other person. Practically every regular shopper has a Wellness card and we don't have to offer them if they don't have them. We do have to greet everyone that walks in though. Not a problem.

I had to work on the floor for a couple hours. I'm happy that I've already got the store down and know the locations of a lot of the items now. I helped an elderly guy find Dr. Scholls today. That's the thing about this place, there are a lot of elderly people. I'd say that's 80% of the customers. Soo I think for the whole day only one person bought makeup, and a few people bought some of the random seasonal junk-- most of the sales are from cigarettes (which are HARD to locate... that's something that I need to work on. So many variations) and meds.

I made $69 today! That's exciting to me. Apparently the first payday is this Thursday, so I'm going to make very much but $69 alone makes me happy. Tomorrow I'll probably bring that to about $100. With every paycheck, I'm going to put a certain amount of it in a savings account that I'm going to have just for college. Then the rest of it will go to my main account. That way, there's no way I can touch the money that's in my college savings and I can be a little bit easier on myself in spending. I am probably not going to spend any of the money from my paycheck on anything but gasoline.

My sister got backed out on. Apparently some guy from Richland was going to take her. She'll get another date. Her friend Marisa is going to go with her. This guy that was originally going to go with her sounds like a complete douchebag.

OH! Speaking of douchebags! Jack and Jessica broke up. I heard this from my mom today. She was the one that told me they were even dating in the first place. He's going to go back to Central and find another carbon copy blonde dumbass that he thinks will impress his mommy. I still hate both of them. But it's funny that he got dumped.

It's been a good day. I'm excited for speghetti and I hope me and Katelynn end up hanging out, either tonight or tomorrow. I'm looking forward to meeting the new guy that she likes. I know it's crazy that right after her engagement she has interest in someone else, but that wasn't the original intention. He's pretty cute and he seems to really like her.

yours,
Emily

The root of the depression.

I need to find the root of this depression before it gets out of hand.

I know that I've been taking it out on my family lately and it's only making things worse. I just want these bad thoughts out of my head, so I've been turning to smoking a lot of weed to make it go away. But it's not working, it's so temporary, and they just come back in the morning and oftentimes I feel worse about myself. I'm done with turning to substances to make myself feel better, and need to find something more constructive.

As the weather gets warmer I will begin running every day. I started doing that a couple weeks ago, but because the weather was so cold it didn't allow me to run very far without my lungs feeling like they were frozen. I need to find another hobby, or turn to one of my earlier hobbies to help me get my mind off of things. Maybe I'll pick up the guitar again. Hopefully, my computer will stay... alive, long enough that I can use it until I get a new computer. Who knows when that will be.

My mom says that my attitude lately depresses her, and oftentimes she'll  try to talk to me and I'll reply with one word responses so I can avoid telling her anything that might make her irritated. Then after she continues to badger me, I end up slipping and saying something awful and she graons and goes "Emily STOP."

I need to find out what the root of this depression is. Katelynn, along with a few others, seem to really care and have been asking what's wrong but I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. The truth is, it's a number of things that have kind of piled on top of eachother the past few weeks. Luckily, it's not related to school directly, so my grades continue to be good even if I'm deeply bothered.

Here are the things that are making me depressed, if I can name them...

1. I don't have a job, and my sister does. This is really fucking annoying. Especially when she comes in flaunting her paycheck and talking about what she got in tips while I'm continually bothering my parents for money so I can get back and forth to school. Most other people, even complete morons, tend to have jobs. Why the fuck do I not have one? And I AM trying too. I've applied to... 5 different places since I quit Sweet Treat because of that horrendous bitch was intolerable. Have I gotten a call back? No.

2. I feel as though I'm living in filth. My room and my car are a fucking pit, but because of depression it's hard to get the ambition to clean them. Now that I have time this weekend I will start cleaning them, and hopefully it will make me feel a little bit better. There is just too much shit in my room. There's dust everywhere from insense. There's too much clothes. There's PAPERS. fucking PAPERS EVERYWHERE.

3. I'm lonely. Honestly this is one that is hard for me to admit because I DO have friends that I hang out with frequently and I really care about them. But when it seems like all of your friends are either in a relationship with someone they are madly in love and satisfied with, it makes you feel lonely. And it's so much fucking worse when they're blantant and braggy about it.

4. I'm broke. Which leads to me sitting here, alone, doing nothing because I have no money to do anything if I wanted too.

5. I no longer want to go to Japan. Which makes me feel like this whole learning japanese thing has been pointless. The reason for this is after working for an Asian I realized how nearly impossible it is to impress them because they think white people are lazy and stupid. So that definately doesn't make me want to go to Japan anymore. Plus my mom just loves to rub in my face how some english teacher over there disappeared because she's essentially saying, "see, that could of been YOU." Thanks Mom.

I honestly don't want people's sympathy, or even anyone to take notice in this. I write here because it makes me feel like I'm talking to-- well, myself. It helps me understand why I feel the way I do. Putting things in writing is just something that helps me. It is not a cry for help, attention, or for people's sympathy. A lot of people that have never gone through depression don't understand how serious it is, and think that people should just quit being whiny and should just "Stop", like my mom says.

So I need to find a solution. I need a hobby. Wow, and looking around my room makes me realize how many hobbies have came and left. Claymation, drawing, guitar, bass.. so many things that i've turned to when I'm depressed like this and then pushed aside again. But it worked. So i'm going to go back to playing guitar again. Hopefully it'll help clear my head and distract me from how I'm feeling lately.

yours,
emily