When your first crush gets married..

Talk about a weird feeling. .

I mean it's not like I didnt expect it because he's Mormon. It seems like all the Mormons I graduated with are getting married recently; which is cool, I am I guess you could say "in love with love." I love the idea of a "happily ever after."

It's just when I got an invitation to his wedding something hit me. Not jealousy nessasarily because I haven't talked to him in years. It was something different. A weird combination of sadness, happiness, nostalgia and enlightenment is the best way I can describe it. 

I'm happy he's happy but seeing the picture of him and his fiance in loving embrace made me feel envious and sad for some reason. Like why haven't I felt that, I want to feel the sense that who I'm with is right for me.. both emotionally and physically. For years I wanted him more than anything but because he's LDS knew it was impossible and by the time I hit highschool gave up and forgot about it. I guess the rush of emotions seeing that made me tell my mom while we were watching some crime documentary. .

"Yea.. I don't think I can make that...."

And she responded "yea, Mormon weddings can be long. I'll make them a pillow as a gift." And that was the last we talked about it. And this is the last i'll talk about it on this blog.

Im happy for those people that are truly happy at my age. Really I am. I'll just keep praying its on my own road someday.

Peace.

Stepping the same place 12 years later

Our house in Paso Robles, California. 

Evening everyone, check this out.

This is a picture of the house I lived in when I was in the 4th grade and we moved to California because my Grandpa had cancer. This is the one house other house my family ever lived in growing up so I wanted to get a picture of it to help solidify memories of living there. Allow me to ramble a few things that come to mind when I look at this picture.

• The sloped driveway on the left. This was really fun to ride up and down on scooters and skateboards* (which of course I'd just sat on... I wasn't near daring enough to ride down a slope on a skateboard even at that age)
• The window by the door. That is where the computer desk was. Like everywhere else I've lived in my life, the computer room was where I spent a lot of my time. Fourth grade was the year I remember first having access to explore the internet (with a snales pace dial up connection of course) and I'm sure I looked up a lot of.... erm, "questionable" sh*t. Not perverted or anything because I didn't know what that was at the time but you know what I mean.
  I also remember playing the Harry Potter and the Sorcerers stone PC game with it's painfully slow graphics and doing fabric crafts in that room. 
• The short brown fence, behind which is the small backyard my sister and I used to play in sometimes. The yard kind of sucked because there was no swingset or anything but it was made up for by having a neighborhood with a lot of room to ride bikes around. I remember going up and down hills and around cal-de-sacs with neighbor kids for hours, it was a great time. 

I don't miss my childhood because I remember it as a time of a lot of insecurity, confusion and frustration, but then when I think of these times I realize how good of a childhood I really had. 

As you guys know I watch a lot of Intervention and most people that grow up addicts have had a bad childhood, whether it be from losing one of their parents from divorce, their parents suffering from addiction or being abused. I didn't have any of these problems growing up, neither of my parents drank and the worst I had to deal with was my Dad's yelling about household finances (which he would later feel really bad about and have one on one talks with me about why he was angry. It's honestly how I learned about money at an early age). 

That's all for tonight guys. I spent some good time studying today but couldn't find much inspiration on the guitar. I wish Jacob would send me the new tab of the Mozart piece he wants me to learn instead of the crappy one I have currently. I also need to start listening to What It's Like by Everlast to figure out how the chorus goes. I haven't gotten around to that yet. The intro riff  sounds great though. That's a good one to have in my repertoire and it's let me practice chords more. 

peace. 

Being 16 nostalgia and delicious ihop

Good... night, everyone. It's late, for me especially, to be talking to you on a weeknight. 

To be honest I used to be a night owl. I used to get such exhilaration logging into Neopets and Gaiaonline late into the night and making internet world advancements that didn't relate to my real life goings on. Thank God for Gaia, haha. I no longer play that site what-so-ever. It's a forum site that you post and earn virtual "Gold" that you can buy stuff with to put on your avatar. Sound lame? 

There was actually a lot more to it. Man, seeing this screenshot really takes me back. Most of the time spent on Gaia is utilized in the forums. Whether your spamming, answering surveys to earn gold, doing polls, roleplaying, whatever. I really enjoyed that website.

Okay, fun side memory for you guys. I've decided that I need to start writing my old memories from time to time because you never know when you might forget these. As I can feel my brain hardening to so much nonsensical business knowledge I feel myself forgetting the small details of the past that I used to be able to so readily recall. When I write old memories I will try to bold them so that those of you that are reading don't feel like reading this, well, then you can skip it. 

Who the hell would want to read these, I have no idea. But those of you out there-- hi!!

Anyway.

This story is called: How I found Gaia Online

I was in middle school. Katelynn and I were hanging out together on an every other weekend basis when we were in 7th grade. She had a confusing life with divorced parents and I only got the opportunity to hang out with her every other weekend when she was with her Mom. She of course spent her schooldays with her Mom and her Dad spent time with her every other weekend. Her Dad was dating a chick named Kelly who had two daughter's over a span of about three years with Kelly. 

Katelynn wouldn't get to talk to me much when she was at her Dad's house, because when she was there was either going out to eat with her Dad or watching over the havoc of Kelly's house. I remember going there once. It was a light blue house that was sort of messy because it was a very busy house. Katelynn's two step brothers Keiton and Cody and her stepsister Casey all lived with Katelynn's Dad and there Mom Kelly during the week and would sometimes be with their Dad.

Anyway, for the most part when I'd hang out with Katelynn it was either at her house or my house every other weekend. It was always a huge treat for me to see her because middle school was quite sucky. I felt really insecure about myself for the most part, but I suppose we all do in middle school. It wasn't until 8th grade that I started to pull out of that insecurity when I was taking Paxil. 

At some point in the 8th grade, Katelynn and I got in a fight and did not talk for awhile. This was the summer before going into highschool that I was spending almost all of my time with Katharine, RJ, Toren, Damien, Bean... whoever else was hanging out at the skatepark. We thought we were quite legit at the time. We'd go on bus rides over to Richland to watch them skateboard around in circles.

The internet is great. Scrolling through my old photobucket albums I see so much personal growth and maturity in myself. All these things that I created for my online movies with random pictures I didn't own from google image search. I guess that hasn't changed much.

Wow, I think of how insecure I was when that picture was taken. I was probably about 16. Okay, I know the duck face is inexcusable but I look cute. I can't believe I sincerely thought I wasn't good enough for these turds at my school that didn't typically approach me. Probably because I was a little intimidating. Or because I acted rather bizarrely. That's my thing, I was always a little bizarre  behaving because of my interest in drawing anime and online roleplay, neopets and pokemon. 

Anyway Katelynn introduced me to Gaiaonline and I had a blast doing all the events and earning all the gold I could for different items. It was a time consuming project. I don't even want you guys to read the captions for the above screenshot. I'm quite clearly trying to somehow cover up for the fact that I'm really taking Gaia "prom crashers" screenshots for people and giving them away as photos. I was drawing attention to myself in the event like "photo booth" photo booth!" Lol then in all the pictures I sent back to them my avatar was in the picture. 

I was so incredibly self absorbed. Here let me take your avatar's picture! 

I send it to them and is has a picture of the back of my avatar in the picture, hahahaha.I have no idea why I find this so funny. Maybe because I know that in MY mind I really thought "that person will LOVE it, what a chance to be in a photo with my awesome camera man avatar." Lol also lovely kiss in the corner. 

2008... Damn lets see that was, five years ago. I was 16. Yeah that would make sense. This was really at the height of my gaia posting/hoarding avatar item days. I even bought a couple monthly collectables. Again it was just a nice escape from the real world. 

So there's a little about that. The story of how I found Gaia online. I hope recording these memories can someday give me feels. 

peace.