When someone undermines your accomplishments.

Today was alright. Pretty typical Tuesday in a lot of ways.

This morning I got up around 10, wasted an hour or so on facebook while I ate the last of that leftover Chinese food for breakfast, got ready, and read a chapter for my marketing class. Got a 9/10 on the quiz this morning which is always nice. Another step closer to getting two A's this quarter. I've definitely got good prospects for my finance class. I was super proud of myself for getting a 96% on my last test. Or at least I was until this afternoon.

Marketing was let out early and I saw Kevin P. and he asked me what I'd been up too. I told him I'd been kicking ass in my classes so I really wanted a job but nothing had really materialized yet. He told me Young made him a finance tutor so he basically scored a job without really looking for one. I can admire that, you know finance is fucking hard. And of course when I mentioned that I was doing really well in Tenerelli's he's like "Well he's super easy and a terrible finance teacher..." And I'm like, "Well I think he's good, I've learned a lot in there and he doesn't assume that we already know all the material like Becker and Young did. He actually makes us learn the definitions and material before doing the problems..." and he just kept insulting him like 'oh he's a terrible professor' and 'oh he doesn't teach NEARLY the material you need to know and if you were to leave his class and take finance 470 you'd fail."

It was just hard to hear that. Especially after I struggled so much and had to drop it with Young and Becker and finally felt like I was getting it. I told him that he does cover more material than in his previous classes... apparently before the school got on his case about not covering enough chapters he only got to chapter 7 but we're doing chapter 9 and 10 right now... I don't feel like I'm at some kind of disadvantage having a professor that's more understanding and provides more explanation for material that's completely foreign to most of us unless you're an accounting major.

Kevin is in his 5th year at CWU. He's triple majoring.. When I was defending what I'd learned in Tenerelli's class he said "Well just to let you know nobody going on the all expenses paid trip in the Finance club took Tenerelli's class.." and I'm scoffed like "Whatever! I wouldn't want to go anyway!"

I think at this point he realized he'd been kind of insulting. That's the thing about Kevin though. He's super intelligent and even if he's my friend he says things that makes me feel like I'm never doing enough. He's one of the people that back when I was in the height of my depression a couple years back that I'd just say to him out of the blue, "F*ck it I'm stupid and wish I would just die" and he'd flip out like "Why would you say something like that? You're so smart..." Because he'd have no idea he had said things that insulted my heart.

That's all I'm going to say about this... You know regardless of the fact that Tenerelli doesn't make us memorize the formulas like the other finance teachers does not mean he makes this subject easy. I've had to study hours to get the grades I've gotten just like any other class. And I know for a fact I am more confident in that class then people during the midterm that were letting out loud exacerbated sighs and that doing well enough to be at the top of that class should be something to be proud of. I should allow myself to be proud of myself for once but that conversation with Kevin hurt, bad.

I wish I wasn't so hard on myself. I want to feel confident entering the job world. This month it's super important that I do search for the first stepping stone into my actual career to avoid moving home. There's so many big changes that are going to happen soon and I'm trying to prepare myself the best I can for it.

In the meantime to keep myself calm and happy I've just been doing a lot of art and guitar. I'm so ready to upload Phantom of the Opera, the tone sounds fantastic. My Dad, Mom and I went to Goodwill after hitting my favorite Chinese restaurant and Rite Aid and I had a couple great finds. My Dad found me an AWESOME Black Album tabs book and I found a pantera shirt that I love.

I cut out the sleeves, of course. Ha ha. Alright that's enough for today.. goodnight!

peace.

"You just amaze me" What an incredible day

Wow, today was really great. I wrote down my goals and was able to accomplish all of them.. And had some unexpectedly good things happen during my errands.

First of all, this morning I practiced a solid hour of guitar, breaking the hour up into 3 segments instead of just boring myself to death playing Aerials all the time. Diversify my playing, I remember Jake stressing that.

Recently while tuning down to System's weird tuning I broke my high e string, that's always the first one to go. I bought two packets of strings today-- both of which are Slinky's but I've decided to move up slightly in string thickness to maybe provide more clarity. I need to get that stupid Tremelo removed from my Ibanez. It's sitting there collecting dust because I never play it anymore. Now that I have two batches of strings that would be a great project to restring both guitars but I don't want to bother with the frustrating tremelo on my ibanez. The thing that fucked up the tuning on my guitar for all of my recitals that I remember playing.

ANYWAY.. I went to the music store today at the Uptown and picked up strings, picks and an awesome Metallica tab book that will let me play a LOT of my favorites... Including FRANTIC! I could NOT believe Frantic was on that song list, it's an underrated song but I've loved it forever. It reminds me of racing my bike around campus to get to class....

Prayer tick tick tick tick tick tock, prayer tick tick tick tick tick tick tock...
In case any of you forgot what song this is:

MY LIFESTYLE, DETERMINES MY DEATH STYLE... RISING TIDES, THAT PUSHES TO THE OTHER SIDE... 

Such a great song. Getting that book is going to be just the push I need to start practicing 3 hours a day again. 

Okay what else. 

My payday was two days ago so I deposited my check. A big ole whopping $167, ha ha. Granted my hours were really scarce two weeks ago, but since I've become faster at sheetouts and can really make a difference when I'm there Rita has started scheduling more hours at a very consistent time. I like that. When I went to the bank I took $20 out in $5's and checked my available balance to see if I'd managed to save something from my previous paycheck on August 21. Total of $189 in there, not too bad. I have some potentially lucrative opportunities coming up in the new future... maybe, I'll explain that later..... 

YangHaiYing said something really eyeopening today when she said that it's important to go different places and window shop to find what you need. I took her advice when I found this pressure cooker after going to like 4 places.

The first place I checked was Rite Aid. It's fun going there because I always see at least one familiar face of the women I worked with. Tammy and Traci were running the tills when I went back to look i in their small appliance aisle for the pressure cooker. Nope. No surprise there. I actually checked there briefly after going to Goodwill to no avail. The only one there was broken and I asked a larger Grandma looking lady in the aisle if that was indeed a pressure cooker. She said "Yeah it is but it doesn't have the plug on top to vent it." I didn't want to risk spending $7.49 on a used piece of crap so I checked the next place. 

When I went up to say hi to Tammy and Traci I was like "Oh you guys don't have what I'm looking for! I thought maybe you'd have this weird thing!" They actually told me that a pressure cooker is not that weird, people still use them and they work very well when my Dad had convinced me they were almost completely obsolete. I personally had certain.... "alternative" uses I wanted to experiment with that I'd seen in a YouTube video by a Canadian. It worked tremendously and haven't smoked all night. The tea tastes like Thai tea, oddly enough! 

I did try looking at Fred Meyer. There are a lot of beautiful appliances and things there, especially huge coffee makers, oh my gosh they are lovely. Only one pressure cooker for sale, $69.99. I couldn't spend that much and left. While cutting through cosmetics I caught a glance at a clearance bin. Tanning lotion for HALF OFF... Like I got two for the price of 1 today on my favorite tanning lotion. That's nice because I was starting to run out. I think I'll use some tonight.

ANOTHER reason today was awesome is that Jonny C. said something profoundly nice to me that made me smile. . .

I went to the grocery store today with a sole purpose of getting a small 1 serving bottle of whole milk. I ran into the Raider clan (Ken and Kathy) and as always they're so friendly and make you feel really special when you talk to them for some reason. They're really cool, entrepreneurial people that have always been their own bosses. 

After I picked up my milk I sort of meandered around to find something to improve the taste of the tea. I found Mexican chocolate milk mix that worked surprisingly well. It was a great discovery. Anyway when Jonny checked me out he immediately laughed at what I was buying. I told him how much I appreciated him always liking my drawings and he told me how much I'd been improving. He said he did it because I amaze him. And he meant it in such a sincere way, I was just like, wow Jonny thank you...

But probably the best news of all today is that I got an interview on Wednesday at 1:30. Surprisingly this person actually knew that I worked at 3 on that day which will save me the drive into town which is lovely. 

My night ended with my mom bringing home KFC, which is like Christmas for dinner (*Lol I love that Japanese tradition) that I very rarely enjoy but when I do it's super delicious. I did workout by playing Just Dance and doing the splits video on Youtube. I feel like my stomach is getting a little flabby though and need to work more on my core. Today was a day of awesome food in general.. When I got the $20 in 5's one of them was designated for a delicious carne asada burrito from my favorite taco establishment of all time here in town. I used the word "siempre" today which means always to joke with Mrs. Lopez because I always order the same thing. 

It's nice living in a place where you know people around you and can more or less keep in touch with people's lives on facebook so when you see them you typically have something to talk about.

Goodnight all, what an amazing day. Tarparnum and the new moon has started and the spirits are on the earth plane according to my favorite spiritual instructor on Youtube. Now is a great time to pray and think about your dead ancestors and they can help you. The fact that it just so happens to be the day before the new moon and I recognized tarparnum for the second year in a row makes me a believer. Coincidence? Maybe. Who knows. 

Are you sucking because I'm listening? Stop that.

Found out today that Sleep Terror is playing Feb 28th

This damn solo, that's all that's been on my mind since school got out because I've got a recital in only two days.

Jake and I had a lesson today and having apparently not warmed up adequately (or just being really stressed out..) I couldn't play that solo for shit for him today. He's like "Are you sucking because I'm listening? Stop that. Stop being so nervous... Slowww down.." All stuff I've heard time and time again. I know the reason that I was nervous today was because I didn't practice enough the previous week so I felt ashamed about that. I'm lucky that I have tomorrow and Saturday to really practice. I have to take advantage of it as much as possible to make up for lost time.

It of course has to be perfectly memorized, I have to get those damn slurs right on the high frets without it sounding screechy or get dead notes, I have to NOT THINK when I'm up there and end up losing my place and getting messed up. The more I practice the next two days the better. Tomorrow I'm going to do at least three hours if it kills me. 

School has been over for a couple days. It was nice getting my finals done on Tuesday, and not having to take my Managerial final because my grade was high enough that I didn't need to drop any of my tests. My public finance final was hard, it had a ton of writing and I was of course one of the last ones in class to finish (and went over the time limit, which of course he was really cool about, as always.)

I think I did well this quarter and I'm trying to feel proud of myself for that but until I see the grades and how it effected my cumulative I can't tell you.

I was able to sell all three of my college textbooks back and got $180 today which was really nice to put away before I head home on Saturday and was able to do some Christmas shopping without having to ask for money (sort of defeats the purpose...). I went to Grocery outlet earlier and got some Christmas gifts, primarily makeup and stuff. Like I got my sister some face wash, my aunt a couple mascaras, my mom a Revlon nailpolish set, and a perfume set that I'm debating whether to keep myself or give to my cousin. It's a playboy set which I thought would deter me from wanting to open it but I really do need some perfume... My Halle Berry stuff from Rite aid spilled in the move and I've wanted some new perfume since.

I also stopped by Shavonne's house earlier to visit and brought her a little eyeshadow set as well and she gave me some treats for Marshall. They're dried cod with catnip treats, he ate some of it but tonight he was more interested in the gristle I'd thrown away in the trash can.

peace. 

It's not an impulse buy because it's educational....!

Marshall earlier. Now that he's gotten more comfortable here he's less cuddly than he used to be but gets on his hind legs much more than most cats I've seen. I've now had him for two weeks.

Well here it is, almost freaking 1 in the morning. 

Staying up this late isn't good for me, though it's excusable enough when I'm doing it to spend my time productively. Like this evening I played guitar for an hour (I've been working on that piece by Mozart, but haven't completely abandoned Metallica as planned after all, more on this later...), studied Chapter 5, cleaned up the kitchen a little bit, and worked out for about 15 minutes. 

I should probably start going to the gym. My stomach has gotten a little rounder from not working out as much... Or at least it seems like that in the evening. Like after a whole day of drinking a lot of water, coffee, energy drinks, milk with cereal, whatever... I can expand my stomach to make it look 6 months pregnant, it's funny. In the morning that bloating is pretty significantly reduced but I feel like it'd be less noticeable if my core was more toned. 

So I did send a rather frantic email to Jacob last night. Here's the gist of it, italics:

--I told him about how unmotivated I felt lately. He told me that I've improved significantly as a guitarist and that alone should be really all the motivation I need. 

- I wasn't getting the practice time in that I wanted. He said that the reduced practice time was probably more attributed to school than anything; though I somewhat disagree because it was easy to work on Mozart for an hour today and would have for way longer if I'd had more time... 

-He said I shouldn't dump pieces before they're completed, and to be working on two or three at a time instead of having just one song and a list of other ones that I'd someday like to play. <- THIS is what I need to work on this week. 

-Unfortunately for my somewhat delusional earlier plans of learning Mozart's piece to perfect speed in 3 weeks (....with finals coming up, what was I smoking), I will continue to learn the Metallica solo, which Jake is going to make an instructional video on.. 

So there you go. Problem solved. I will play that god damn Metallica solo in that recital in a few weeks, my blog as my witness!!! 

On a somewhat related but not really sidenote....

Yes, yes, yes..! 

I am super excited to buy this... Unfortunately I'm down to my last $100 until Thanksgiving after spending about 2/3rds of my last paycheck earlier, my mom just paid for my lessons in advance so I'd feel selfish asking my parents for money again... So yeah I'm really going to make an effort to live on the cheap until the 27th. But Luke posted this tonight annnnd I'm already dying to have it so more than likely I'll be buying it tomorrow.

peace. 

OHH!! Jeez I almost forgot, funniest ass thing today... So as you guys know I MADE MY GOAL, woohoo! Got a rough draft to get pointers on.Why was this a goal? Sipic mentioned like 3 times that students have the option to turn in a first draft to get pointers on but "Rarely does anyone actually take advantage of this." So as you guys know I got my "rough draft" done last night... Rough like literally, I wrote that thing two sided on lined paper in my notebook. Again what was I smoking, I don't know, I should have at least used separate pages if I was going to hand write the damn thing. 

I showed it to Sipic after class and was like "Here, I have this rough draft!" and he's like "Good, good!" then looking at this messy ass stack of notebook pages, "....Wow you're one of the rare ones that actually handwrites things..." Suddenly I'd realized how stupid this was and that  I really should have typed it beforehand but he actually proceeded to offer to make copies of the damn things to read over tonight. I'm like ehh yeah that's okay. 

I'm sure it's fine. And again I'll be going to the writing center to get help on it so it'll all work out

Getting organized for my last 3 weeks. Newfriendnewfriend!

Hard to believe this quarter is actually sort of close to being over.

I realize that I have three more weeks of class to go, and I scored C's on a couple of my midterms and quizzes. That's really not acceptable for me so I've decided to write out everything that I'm going to need to do in the next week to get in the process of working hard enough to get A's on my next tests and raise my grades in the classes from high C's to B's.

This guy Jesse in my public finance class told me that I should try to keep my GPA above a 3.3 because that's where a lot of grad schools draw the line. That's really hard, especially when getting B's only makes the tiniest increase in the GPA but getting a C can drop it like nothing. I don't understand how the whole system is weighted.. My parents still don't understand how important it is to me. Like I'll talk to my mom and she'll be like "All you have to do is pass to get your diploma!"

F*ck that's pretty much like telling me to lay down and give up... American parents are so soft, ha ha. I mean I feel there's a ton of room for improvement right now. I have to do better than what I was doing this past 7 weeks from here on out, and where I'm going to start is creating weekly concrete task lists like I did last year...

This is my task list. Each one of the squares represents an hour of time spent working. 

That's the reality of what it's going to take if I really want to get A's on my upcoming exams. It's a really high goal even for me... These classes are so hard and it's going to take so much work and patience these next three weeks. I think these checklists will give me the visual motivation that I need. 

Of course I can't forget about guitar. I've only been squeezing in about a half hour of solid work a day (I know isn't that terrible?) mainly on the metallica solo. I'd like to practice more this upcoming week, at least an hour a day... I know that Jacob can see when I haven't practiced as much as I had wanted too. He's somehow able to read me really easily and it sometimes pisses me off, ha ha I must be really obvious when I'm stressed out.

Today for the most part was actually spent sleeping... I did practice guitar for 45 minutes and study for a couple hours and I'd like to get in more time of each before I go to bed (It's potentially going to be a challenge to sleep tonight after sleeping so much today... I'm probably going to have to drug myself at 2 AM or so just so my sleep schedule doesn't get completely out of whack)

Yesterday I met this really interesting girl named Audrey when I went to the Surc to eat before meeting up with Sipic to discuss my enrollment plans for next quarter (there's a freaking block on my account so I have to go to the library to pay a stupid fee before I can register, bitches...). Anyway she's a freshman here at CWU and makes the trip all the way from Rosalyn to get here. She likes to draw, and originally thought she wanted to be an art major before she took an art class here and said she's bored out of her mind in it. 

She seems awesome, I'm happy to have met her and hope we hang out sometime this week. She likes rock music, too. 

peace. 

It holds you, so hold me

And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps

Yesterday I had my second recital, which was somewhat different than the first one I'd performed in. It was definitely more brief because there were less performances which worked in my favor because I had to make it to work on time. Had it been my day off I would have liked it to be a little longer.

I was disappointed to have not seen Jacob's band's singer there. Next recital is around Christmas and I'm hoping to play either Anastasia or Master of Puppets. I say Master of Puppets because Jake already knows how to play it and I'm sure Ryan and Jeff do too. Christmas concert I could shred that shit... lol.

So yeah each recital has been like a new start for me. I feel like it's a clean slate to new opportunities to expand my skill and knowledge on the guitar.

Invention went fine... I did it by memory because I'd had some trouble with  my clipboard and switching pages so I sort of gunned through the second half. According to my mom it didn't sound like there was a noticeable amount of missed notes in the second half and that it sounded the most technically challenging.  So yeah I feel satisfied with it, but also kind of happy that it's off my shoulders.

Still no word from whoever gave me the flowers..... My mom at this point is like "What the f**k?" but I'm like "Give it time...." The reason I say this is because if it is the person I suspect it is he might have some plan and likes the process of formulating it and if I talk to him it'll probably blow it. Yet at the same time there's still the chance that it's not him and could be someone totally out of left field that really admires me from afar and I don't realize it.

....Which some part of me still thinks is more likely than the person I'm thinking of going out and buying me $70 fucking flowers. Over the past year I feel like my relationships with men have been mysteries like this.

I've got work today at 2. Feeling like going back to  bed right now but I'm going to drink more coffee and power through it.

peace. 

Another all day shred session.. yawn

Sup?

Tomorrow I start work. 12:00 pm for a 4 hour shift to get trained on how to do things.

Excellent. I wouldn't care if tomorrow I was starting a shift at Wal mart pushing carts around as long as I'm getting some hours because it's the truth. Being broke has been such a b*tch all summer I seriously wouldn't care at this point... I mean as long as I'm not a stripper or dressed like the statue of liberty waving signs in the road or something. There's two jobs I would never do, ha ha ha.

Yesterday was bad because I was really emotional and it was bothering me. I haven't been smoking because I'm broke so that's made it a bit harder to get through the day without just wanting to say f*ck it and go back to bed for a couple hours. All this rest the past few days has actually been helping my lower back heal a lot. I'm beginning to think that's why I've been so tired and unmotivated is the back pain but I think it's going to be completely painless by tomorrow.

Yesterday I did play my guitar for over three hours which was awesome. I can feel myself improving so much lately because I've had nothing else to really focus on. I've been really trying to correct some picking habits as well as started a couple other songs that I've been making quick progress on. I'm going to give Jake little samples of each song that I'm learning tomorrow so we can make the decision on what to focus most on. I'm pretty sure I'm still doing master of puppets, which is going surprisingly well.

Today I'm going to continue to work on that and my other pieces and should have a peaceful day. New things are ahead tomorrow so I'm excited about that.

Really all I have to say.

peace.

Some random fun. weird body aches. New recital piece

Yo.

The last few days have been pretty good. I hung out with Ashleigh E. and we ended up going to this bar called the Parkade for their karaoke night. Ha ha you know me I don't sing but I still had a good time getting drunk and hanging out with them. We went to Denny's afterward and I ended up eating half a grand slam and getting sick shortly after. I did not wake up with a hangover though which was a plus... but I was freaking exhausted most of the day. Not that it matters, STILL NOT WORKING....

I called JCpennies today and talked to Katelynn's manager Thomas about the non-responsiveness from my employing manager and hoping to get some answers on when I could expect to start work. He told me that Amy is working and he would write down my name and number to make sure she calls me back in a couple of hours. She didn't. What the Hell, seriously. I would have gone to the business by now if it wasn't for my gas money situation. Ugh this whole month of being broke has been the pits in some ways but I've been getting REALLY good practice time in.

Jake and I had a really good lesson yesterday and he convinced me to play master of puppets in the recital. I showed him a couple songs I had printed-- Gone away by the Offspring and a Favor House Atlantic by Coheed and Cambria. He doesn't really like Coheed and the Offspring is supposedly a piece of cake skill wise and wouldn't really showcase how far I've come. So Metallica it is. It's a freaking epic song and I'm willing to take the challenge.

Tomorrow is going to be a really busy day because I'm going to Shavonne's wedding and might be going to the movies later that night. My sister's boyfriend Jimmy apparently knows this guy that invited him to a movie (yes, invited Jimmy to a movie) recently and asked if I wanted to go so that it wouldn't be as awkward with three people. This guy is really cute and I added him on facebook but haven't actually heard from him yet. Still, if this works out it'll be cool to meet him.

Tonight I got invited to go to a club with Ashleigh and a few other people and since I've already got my practice time in I figure why not. Might as well have some fun before I get worn out with work.. which I'm praying is soon.

I don't really know what my deal is but lately by body has been aching really bad. I think it might be going through some kind of shock from the medication so I'm a little sore and could be for awhile. I've been feeling kind of bloated and my lower back has been very sore. I actually have been wearing a heating pad all day and took a long nap hoping it would go away. Going to take my second shower here in a minute.

peace.

Tacky is fun.

Here, some tacky yet admittedly somewhat pretty "artwork" from a facebook app.

On nights light tonight with no real responsibilities facebook browsing is always entertaining. 

Here's another one, whee!

Anyway, I could have gone out tonight but decided not too because I had a really bad headache today and a runny nose and if I go out I know I could easily wear myself out and get that bad cold that's been going around that I've managed to dodge somehow. So after my classes ended I've been at the apartment for the most part, aside from my last counselling session that I attended at 4. 

After the "Pathways" group counselling sessions I was debating on if I wanted to attend the follow up. Today it definitely didn't feel nessasary. I was in overall pretty good spirits after this week, even if this wasn't a fantastic week for me academically. I did okay (81%) on my econ quiz, I probably did the worst I've done so far on a finite quiz today so I'm going to re-do some homework to better prepare for next week tomorrow, and I know I did pretty crummy on that english essay. So tomorrow I intend to get some work done before going to Bruce's kickback thing. I plan to drink a little there but it's not going to be an all night ordeal for me because of my health. I have a bit of a rule against drinking two nights and a row. I always feel like such crap after I drink the previous night that it messes me up almost the entire next day. 

And I knew that if I went out tonight and did get icky feeling tomorrow I definitely wouldn't want to go to Bruce's party, which would be lame as hell. I take pride in sticking to my plans. 

Abe is the one that invited me out this evening. He's out there having a good time somewhere, ha ha. I feel good about my night. I made some major progress on my recital piece from using guitar pro for about 20 minutes of the almost three hours I practiced. I'm thinking I'm going to work out for awhile, then take a shower, then probably practice guitar again and maybe play sims. I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep early tonight but it's Friday so I shouldn't have too. 

I'm just taking this night to enjoy myself because I know I've got a tough week ahead so I might as well make things easier for myself and get prepared this weekend. 

Back to facebook browsing.

peace. 

So close no matter how far....

Hello, damn it's quiet here.. I'm going to make sure to get out and do something this weekend.

Tonight I really should have gotten more studying done. I feel pretty confident in my economics because I've been really studying that a lot over the last week. Finite I'm feeling "meh," because it's only 7:30 and I've been dicking around on facebook and sleeping for a good portion of the day I feel I should get about 45 minutes of each subject in before bed.

I just hate studying sometimes because my room is really quiet. Maybe I'll put on some classical music or something just to break up the silence. I thought maybe I'd have lunch with Allie today and she said she'd text me but I haven't heard from her all day. I've been back since 11', and slept from around 1-3 after I made myself lunch. It's not a good idea to take a nap right after lunch, that's how you gain weight... but lately my body just wants me to sleep after classes. It could be partially because of the Prozac and also because it's winter and it's freaking freezing out.

Ha ha I found this recently and I'm probably gonna post it on facebook one of these days. This has to be a Canadian magazine or something. I miss my baby back home so much right now. I know she misses me too. I wish I could move into an apartment next year just to have her here with me... Oh well, I'll have her all summer. 

I had a good lesson with Jacob tonight. He approved my choice on Nothing Else Matters for the recital but he said "it's a hard song." which makes me a little concerned but I've got two months and I'm going to work on it every day. I think it's an absolutely beautiful piece and it will be very rewarding to learn and perform with all my hard work in fingerpicking over the past couple weeks. I'm happy I made this step to try fingerpicking, now that I've gotten the hang of it. 

It's a weird feeling to have not really talked to anyone since 11:00 this morning. I think I'll call my mom before I start studying. I tried calling her last night but she was going to Olive Garden with Avery and Jim for her birthday. I can't believe Avery's 18 now. 

Prozac has been giving me extremely vivid dreams; what's even weirder is that they make sense, they feel so realistic. I had a dream about Jack last night. 

I remember being in a huge Sanrio store, looking in the mirror and he walked in and I stormed out. He followed me outside (somehow we were at the Uptown) and told me he was "sorry." I was like, "What is this?! Answer me!" and he's like, "Nothing just kiss me." Then we kissed, it was all so vivid and I remember thinking "Wow I feel so stupid, what if people see how easily I forgive him.." I then remember my Mom pulling up in front to pick me up. Zoe was sitting in the front seat of the van but she looked a lot younger and Traci's son Wyatt was in the backseat, except he was talking and toddler age. I think this is somehow reflective of how long my feelings for him have lasted over the years. 

I've barely even thought about Jack since he told me he's seeing someone, but apparently he's still buried in my subconscious somewhere. 

peace. 

My hand hurts like a son of a b*tch.

I've been working on the acoustic solo of Unforgiven on the electric. I think the distortion solo is also very good but I have not tried playing it yet. I hope I can really solidify and chunk through this entire song. I know a good portion of it because I've really cleaned up the intro and chorus. It's the weird verses and solos that I'm having problems with.

There's this one measure that goes....

...that I've been trying to clean up for awhile. It's really hard to do a pull-off and then jump to the next string for me. Again, it'll get better with practice and time. It's definately coming together though and I've got a good bulk of it done. As for Cemetary Gates I've barely gotten started but I want to figure it out a little.

Tomorrow I was invited to jam with Jessika and her friend. This plan has been going on for a couple weeks now because last weekend was mothers day and the previous weekend I was feeling a little bit snuggly. So most of my plans lately, when note with Samantha, have revolved around jamming or sitting with people and watching videos while I discreetly get my picking exercises and junk done.

Honestly, makes me appreciate people like Manuel that play violin... When they sound bad they sound BAD and it's very hard to conceal. It takes so long to get a clean note out of the damn thing, I couldn't have the patience. Luckily I'm not a huge fan of the violin, it feels sort of sharp on my ears. Don't get me wrong, it's a very cool instrument, but it's just not my favorite.

Jimmy just pulled up with my sister. I just realized it's almost 10 and I still have an hour to go. My head feels heavy.

Today, Samantha came over. Well, I picked her up again after work. It was a short visit. Second day in a row visits tend to be short, especially when there's plans with other friends involved. Samantha wanted to spend some time with Leslie. It's cool, no worries I wouldn't be offendid by my friend hanging out with a different friend after me (hahaha that'd be silly, but sometimes I really think Samantha thinks I'm mad at her about the weirdest things).

Shawn and Samantha have been dealing with a lot of drama lately and I'm sort of just following along and witnessing her hardship. I know I shouldn't be writing this because Samantha said Shawn gets more angry when he discovers people are talking about their whereabouts. But it sort of becomes part of my life too when she has to deal with Shawn's fighting and then coming to me about it when she's hurt.

Katharine came over yesterday and introduced me to a fantastic cult classic called Troll 2. It's sort of the kind of movie that attracts the Rocky Horror Picture Show crowd. It's painfully bad, completely crazy, made no sense, you just have to watch it! I decided I'd show it at my party. Scar everyone for life before heading out into the world, haha. It's known for being the worst movie in existance. It's so shamelessly bad that you have to see it.

peace.

My wheels in constant motion . . .

This is my current cover photo on facebook.

I'm not particularily religious, but I think this is clearly about marijuana and I found that sort of funny that I've never heard anyone mention this before. It could potentially offend someone, but I doubt it. It's not like I captioned this "HEY LOOK GUYZ POT!!!" I'm just gonna leave this up for a couple days and see if anyone notices or "gets" it. I could be wrong, maybe it's not about marijuana at all. Lol or people that are totally naive are going to think I'm going super religious. Nope! I'm a spiritual person, but not religious by any means.

I've been listening to the Systematic Chaos CD by Dream Theater and so far I'm super impressed. I looove the song Constant Motion. I would love to learn how to play it and blow Logan's brain off, bah haha. That reminds me that Robert's party is going to be on Saturday. He said it's not going to be a guitar thing but almost everyone that he's inviting plays guitar so I'd assume I should have some sort of plan in case Robert asks me to play. It sucks though, I can't actually play WITH them because I'm not good enough (well, that, and I don't know any of the songs that they've learned to play together). Like, they know a lot of songs from the Black album by Metallica. I like Metallica and everything, but to actually take the time and learn how to play their songs takes a LOT of initiative.

 In order for me to spend hours upon hours learning a song, I need to make sure it's something I won't get too sick of.

1.	"Enter Sandman"	Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett	5:31
2.	"Sad But True"	Hetfield, Ulrich	5:24
3.	"Holier Than Thou"	Hetfield, Ulrich	3:47
4.	"The Unforgiven"	Hetfield, Ulrich, Hammett	6:26
5.	"Wherever I May Roam"	Hetfield, Ulrich	6:44
6.	"Don't Tread on Me"	Hetfield, Ulrich	3:59
7.	"Through the Never"	Hetfield, Ulrich, Hammett	4:05
8.	"Nothing Else Matters"	Hetfield, Ulrich	6:28
9.	"Of Wolf and Man"	Hetfield, Ulrich, Hammett	4:16
10.	"The God That Failed"	Hetfield, Ulrich	5:07
11.	"My Friend of Misery"	Hetfield, Ulrich, Jason Newsted	6:49
12.	"The Struggle Within"	Hetfield, Ulrich	3:52

Track list for the black album. Thanks Wikipedia.

I've liked almost all of these songs at one point, aside from of Wolf and Man and Through the Never. All of these songs are good, but to hear them over and over and over... This week I've been learning The Unforgiven because I think those guys know that one and it's not too hard. That, and it's standard tuning. I made a goal this week that I'd work on one song that's standard tuning, because Drop C is a pain in the ass to get down too and it requires me to GO ONLINE and tune the damn guitar down before i can play anything. Maybe I should get one of those portable tuners.  

Connor told me that I definately need to start picking up acoustic again, and I'm beginning to think he's right, it'd definately help me be more well rounded. Problem is, the frets are so far spaced and it's hard to find a song that I like on acoustic. Unforgiven might actually sound pretty cool, though.

I'll stop talking about that.

Japanese today was good, even if Taylor and Sean harrassed me about using a smartwater bottle. Taylor was like, "Are you trying to be cool with that? That smartwater bottle?" which I responded "Yup!! is it working?" He he. They shut up about it after that.

I'm gonna get going, getting hungry and light headed.

peace.