When someone undermines your accomplishments.

Today was alright. Pretty typical Tuesday in a lot of ways.

This morning I got up around 10, wasted an hour or so on facebook while I ate the last of that leftover Chinese food for breakfast, got ready, and read a chapter for my marketing class. Got a 9/10 on the quiz this morning which is always nice. Another step closer to getting two A's this quarter. I've definitely got good prospects for my finance class. I was super proud of myself for getting a 96% on my last test. Or at least I was until this afternoon.

Marketing was let out early and I saw Kevin P. and he asked me what I'd been up too. I told him I'd been kicking ass in my classes so I really wanted a job but nothing had really materialized yet. He told me Young made him a finance tutor so he basically scored a job without really looking for one. I can admire that, you know finance is fucking hard. And of course when I mentioned that I was doing really well in Tenerelli's he's like "Well he's super easy and a terrible finance teacher..." And I'm like, "Well I think he's good, I've learned a lot in there and he doesn't assume that we already know all the material like Becker and Young did. He actually makes us learn the definitions and material before doing the problems..." and he just kept insulting him like 'oh he's a terrible professor' and 'oh he doesn't teach NEARLY the material you need to know and if you were to leave his class and take finance 470 you'd fail."

It was just hard to hear that. Especially after I struggled so much and had to drop it with Young and Becker and finally felt like I was getting it. I told him that he does cover more material than in his previous classes... apparently before the school got on his case about not covering enough chapters he only got to chapter 7 but we're doing chapter 9 and 10 right now... I don't feel like I'm at some kind of disadvantage having a professor that's more understanding and provides more explanation for material that's completely foreign to most of us unless you're an accounting major.

Kevin is in his 5th year at CWU. He's triple majoring.. When I was defending what I'd learned in Tenerelli's class he said "Well just to let you know nobody going on the all expenses paid trip in the Finance club took Tenerelli's class.." and I'm scoffed like "Whatever! I wouldn't want to go anyway!"

I think at this point he realized he'd been kind of insulting. That's the thing about Kevin though. He's super intelligent and even if he's my friend he says things that makes me feel like I'm never doing enough. He's one of the people that back when I was in the height of my depression a couple years back that I'd just say to him out of the blue, "F*ck it I'm stupid and wish I would just die" and he'd flip out like "Why would you say something like that? You're so smart..." Because he'd have no idea he had said things that insulted my heart.

That's all I'm going to say about this... You know regardless of the fact that Tenerelli doesn't make us memorize the formulas like the other finance teachers does not mean he makes this subject easy. I've had to study hours to get the grades I've gotten just like any other class. And I know for a fact I am more confident in that class then people during the midterm that were letting out loud exacerbated sighs and that doing well enough to be at the top of that class should be something to be proud of. I should allow myself to be proud of myself for once but that conversation with Kevin hurt, bad.

I wish I wasn't so hard on myself. I want to feel confident entering the job world. This month it's super important that I do search for the first stepping stone into my actual career to avoid moving home. There's so many big changes that are going to happen soon and I'm trying to prepare myself the best I can for it.

In the meantime to keep myself calm and happy I've just been doing a lot of art and guitar. I'm so ready to upload Phantom of the Opera, the tone sounds fantastic. My Dad, Mom and I went to Goodwill after hitting my favorite Chinese restaurant and Rite Aid and I had a couple great finds. My Dad found me an AWESOME Black Album tabs book and I found a pantera shirt that I love.

I cut out the sleeves, of course. Ha ha. Alright that's enough for today.. goodnight!

peace.

This dream that gave me a rush of adrenaline.

I can't remember ever having a dream that ever solidified my actual "dreams."

It's 5 am. I woke up just a few minutes ago and laid in bed awake for just moments before I knew I wanted to get up and write about it.

I wasn't up that late last night. Probably went to bed around 11:30 or so after watching hours of the show "Power, Privilege and Justice" where you see these people living extravagant lives in beautiful mansions and usually ending in the husband killing his wife for one reason or another-- either selfish motives because the wife was the heiress to some old money and the husband wanted it or the wife was threatening to take the man's fortune and estate through divorce... I don't know, there were a lot of crazy scenarios in these episodes.

I think having seen the beautiful homes and lavish lifestyles of people-- many of which seemed to be of average intelligence but with hard work and luck landed where they were, triggered something in my mind. This is how the dream went:

I had apparently left Ellensburg and decided to move in with a very wealthy girl somewhere. The house I moved into wasn't like this crazy huge mansion but it was definitely nicer than any place I'd ever envisioned myself living in. It was a two story, beautiful home with a really bright, open living room and a long driveway lit up by small nights. The house was on a cal-do-sac of other beautiful homes, and I'd remember stepping outside to find the trash can and looking next door because some adult man was listening to loud rap music in their nice SUV. I waved at the person who was pulling out of their driveway. I remember thinking, "Wow, these people seem happy...." 

The girl I lived with I don't remember being particularly nice. In fact I remember feeling like the downstairs was more or less her domain but didn't care because I was so thrilled about being able to afford to live there in the first place. I felt like my hard work was finally starting to pay off. Upstairs was where my bedroom was and this is what really made me excited. It was huge and had two sides-- one side was where my bed and closets were and I had a huge king size bed with a big screen TV mounted on the wall and lush carpet. The other side of the room had tile floor and almost like my own workshop with computers, another large TV that I used as a monitor, and tons of books. There was also a large table in the middle that looked to be once used for assembling things.

And ironically, even if I got the vibe my roommate didn't like me she was happy I had moved in because some closets and spaces in the upstairs still had remnants of the previous tenant that needed to be cleaned out. That was fine with me, I figured it'd be interesting to see what stuff was left there. What I found was a lot of weird shit...

First of all, there were stacks and stacks of what appeared to be manuscripts, documents and books disorderly piled into some of the shelves in my new workroom. There were also boxes of old electronics with labels like "MAC OS--1994" and other random names of gadgets from the 80's/90's from computer companies whose names I'd recognized but figured I'd have no use for. It was then I figured the previous tenant might have been a computer hobbyist of somekind. Another strange thing I saw on that shelf, very distinctly, was baby doll heads that were kind of just randomly lying around. They appeared somewhat old, as I remember them having those "blinky" eyes that close when you tilt them backwards. 

OH, in my large workroom there was also a full size fridge. I figured it was for convenience sake for the probably engineer that had lived there previously. The fridge itself was empty but on top of the fridge there were TONS of almost empty and empty containers used for cookies-- like chips ahoy and remembered also seeing some "generic", store brand cookies. (This I know has to do with an experiment we recently did in my marketing class where we actually did an blind study to see if these particular cookies were substitutable.)

There was also a closet that had a big pile of women's clothes just sitting there, and some tacky posters on the same closet walls. There was also some junky accessories and random nik-naks in there and I remember thinking, "Huh, that'll be fun to sort through later..." 

The girl that I was living with told me that because we were renting the house and would likely have to later lease it to new tenants when we both made enough money or found serious relationships so the house needed to stay nice. She said her last roommate was literally depreciating the value of the house with her projects and endless stream of junk coming into the house that she was afraid to let guests come upstairs. 

So even if the roommate didn't like me I was still completely happy. My parents had come over and I talked about how lucky I was to have moved from "a basement in Ellensburg" to something as cool as this and looked forward to fixing the place up to post pictures on facebook (ha ha). I just kept thinking, wow, my hard work has finally paid off-- I'm so happy I stuck it out and did that finance major.

Okay I'll just stop there because that's when I woke up and laid in bed with my eyes wide open thinking... I literally only have two more classes I'd need to take if I wanted to double major in finance. I could do one of those classes in the Spring and just take one last class in the summer or Fall and take that class alone so no matter how hard it is, even if it's with f*cking Young who takes pleasure in making his classes as insanely hard as possible to weed out the crap, I could still do it. I feel so empowered right now. So determined.

I'm registering for my classes today and I'm really hoping Tenerelli's investment class is being offered in the Spring. If he is I'm definately taking it along with the two classes I need to finish my Econ major and business minor. That being said I DEFINITELY NEED TO FIND A JOB IN ELLENSBURG to save some money. I want to be able to pursue every opportunity I can here and my Dad just keeps getting more and more stressed about the debt I'm accumulating. If I can just make enough money to live off of I will be set.

Today I'm going to write up a second cover letter and edit my resume to make it conducive to getting the floor position at Target that I applied for. I'm also going to call around Ellensburg to ask where people are hiring, if anywhere. I have a good enough handle on my current classes that I feel working and going to school won't be a problem, but Spring might be different. Whatever, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to reach my dreams and goals.

peace.