Series of some unfortunate events

Will I someday just wake up a lesbian?

Probably not. But the more I've been let down in the past the more withdrawn I've become. It's beginning to feel like there's really no chance for me for this to change, even though life is long and that's a silly thing to say. I know that eventually the pieces will fall into place and I live every minute of every day for me and nobody else. My life revolves around personal growth and improvement, whether it be in my intelligence or musically. I feel enlightened and grounded enough that little really gets to me, even when it comes to love which can be such a roller coaster of emotions..

Of course I'm not saying that I "love" Jay, or anyone else for that matter in that way... This is just solely about being able to spend time with someone that I have feelings for and talk to them occasionally. Kind of feel like someone is there. Nope, that's too much apparently. I'm almost positive now that Jay has lost interest and no longer wants to spend time together. I've tried to get ahold of him via text for the past couple days just kind of asking what's up but he won't even answer. God it hurts, I hate it. 

And the thing is I did nothing wrong this time... I haven't pressured him or said anything weird. I've been nice... I've just been myself. The older I get the more I've gotten to know myself and know how much I'm worth and I just really want to share that with someone that I consider on my level and it's just never happened. 

Last I heard from Jay he was hanging out with Sheridan M. I sent him a text like "Okay soo we haven't talked in 4 days and you're hanging out with a girl..." And he acted like I was getting on his case. I mentioned this to Kayla W. at the party I'd gone to the other night and she's like "Wait isn't Sheridan a lesbian?" And I said "I don't think so anymore."

Honestly she looks better than she ever has, and I could imagine her liking to do (....and being good at) a lot of the things that I could see Jay doing like shooting paintball guns and roughing it in the woods or something. And though I can't say I know why Jay is not talking to me anymore, but I can say that I wish the last thing he had told me wasn't that he was with some other girl and that I was acting irrational about it. 

I just feel a little sick about this... of course it's Sunday, my day off... which I'm spending alone in my room again. Katelynn and I have been kind of distant lately. My mom got fired from her job. My uncle Robert died yesterday. I just am feeling a whole mix of things that are making me depressed right now.... I took a Xanex that I found and it makes you feel supppper drowsy. I'm glad I wasn't prescribed this for my anxiety.

It's been kind of hard to part with these band t-shirts but better on a blanket than in a box

Planning on having an enjoyable rest of my evening by practicing, sewing the Metallica patch onto my blanket. Ha ha I've been quilting lately to relieve stress. 

peace.

YOU GAY. 39.

I'm sitting here, a little stressed. It's 8 at night, me and this girl Heather had plans, and she's yet to give me a heads up what she's doing or get in contact with me all day. She said she got off at 8 and it's 8:15. : ( Maybe I'm stressed out for nothing, I mean Lindy said her thing started at 9 or 10... maybe I should study for awhile and try to chill. I just want things to work out in my favor tonight.

I played guitar for a couple hours today and yesterday, I've really been trying to get Lonely day done at full speed, and it's coming along pretty well I'd just give it a couple days.

I just scored the bombest tilapia. It tastes like bananas. Literally, it has a funny banana aftertaste. Mix that with coconut flavor shots, mmm.

Anyway. Apparently Jyle wants me to come out to his place and hang out with him and Will, and there's this party going on that guy High Tower's house. High Tower creeps me out and I don't want to see him. Sometimes rednecks are scary to me. I don't know why. I feel like I'm just a different type. Like... I'm the one that likes to get with her friends and get blazed and kick back, not get drunk and act crazy. So I'll just stay here in Benton city, I hope, and if all else fails I just really hope I do get ahold of Heather and get a chance to hang out with her tonight. If it gets much later she might not even want too. Ha ha, look at me I'm all paranoid that she'll flake out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gay. Actually I've wished I WAS gay because of all the bullshit I've dealt with with guys but I'm definately NOT gay. Anyway, meeting a new cool girl to potentially start hanging out with is much more exciting for me than meeting a guy a lot of the time because I love having people to hang out with most of the time.

Though sometimes I don't know if I will ever fully trust men again in my life. I just never want to hang out with them anymore, aside from the ones that I'm really close too. I mean Robert, bah haha.

Foster the People is really good. I think I'm gonna buy one of their CDs one of these days. Even if they're super mainstream and everyone in the entire world has already listened to ALL of their music to death before me. I'm so out of style. : P

peace.

She's a butch lesbian because she's bigger and has short cut hair?

Because this girl is a friend of a friend of a friend that I rarely even talk too on facebook, I doubt that she will ever see this, and if she does, I'm honestly really sorry and if you ever do see this let me know and I will take this down.

All this entry is going to be about is this person that I found that has completely blurred the lines of the gender equalibrium that I'm just lost.

This is a girl that I found on facebook, though I'm not going to post her name for obvious reasons. Yes, this is a girl. At first glance you would probably assume "very butch lesbian," but no, in fact she's straight, in a relationship, and pregnant.

Okay now look at this picture.  Now by looking at this, one might make the judgement that the two guys on the right could be potentially gay because of their haircuts, and the way the guy on the right is daintily holding his beer. This however, is an irrational judgement because you have no real indication. But in fact, the woman on the far left is in a relationship with the guy in the tye dye shirt and they're going to have a child together!

I'm sorry, but when I see this my mind for some reason jumps to the conclusion that the one on the left is gay and the one on the right is lesbian. But I'm WRONG. Well, according to her profile she's interested in "Men" and "Women", but that's beside the point...

She's a woman, she's pregnant, and she has a boyfriend.

And she's completely blown my mind.

But it's in our world today that she CAN be herself, not feminine in the slightest and be accepted for the most part, yet have society fit her in the cardboard box steriotype of "Butch Lesbian". And because my mind is so used to doing this in order to be liberal and accepting of people and their sexualities (or so I thought), it can't seem to get my head around this girl NOT being a "butch lesbian." Has my mind been so brainwashed to believe that any girl that isn't feminine and wears their hair like a man might is a lesbian?

Probably.

It makes me realize that you really can't label people into subcultures/groups because though a lot of the times those judgements are right because people conform to certain steriotypes themselves, you can sometimes be wrong.

That's all I had to say.

yours

Emily