Sunday, November 20, 2011

I'm selfish for even doing this.

My counting down the days will probably come to a halt, because again more than likely I'm going to have to push my time that I get out of here forward.

I brought up transfering in the Spring, and my dad literally started yelling at me about how it'd be STUPID to leave in the Spring because I'm just "gonna have to turn around and move right back in two months." And how the SMART idea would be to work for the spring and summer and THEN transfer.

No, that's a stupid idea. You want to know why? Because I'm a lazy piece of shit and if I ONLY work during the spring and summer you know what I'll do when I come home? NOTHING. Because I don't do ANYTHING without some kind of authority telling me what to do (unless it's exercising, the only acception). I'm not even kidding, without some kind of initiative of class or school, I won't study Japanese. I know that. So I'll end up forgetting pretty much everything I've learned and when I transfer in the fall I'll be scared shitless.

about 40 minutes later after talking to Brad, who always seems to make things better for some reason.

Okay, I just need to calm down. Everything will work out. I feel bad because Brad offered to give me some money to help me out for when I move, and I could never accept any money from anyone. Him and his wife Megan apparently decided on it, and I really hope I didn't somehow offend him when I refused. I can just never accept an offer like that from anyone unless it's from work, my parents, or a scholarship. I can't ever take money from my friends, especially someone like Brad whose done so much for me in the past. I mean, he saved my ass in Math 97, has given me a ton of advice, and has been there for me a bunch of times. He's an incredible person and I appreciate the hell out of him and Megan.

I just want to be happy. I wish that I could enjoy the time I have and enjoy life from a day to day basis instead of focusing on whats in the future because I never seem to feel happy about anything anymore. Depression is the hardest mental disability to deal with because it just never lets up. It's like a bad itch that never goes away or a really cold breeze that hits you every so often but no matter where you go you can't escape it.

I don't know why I'm just on the verge of tears tonight. I just feel like I've become a burden on people because of my poor attitude and outlook on things. I put up a pretty good cover at school but once I'm talking to someone that I feel will actually listen my true colors tend to let loose. I'm afraid that people like Shavonne, Brad, Katelynn, Katharine, even Samantha-- people that have listened to a lot of my issues and rants will eventually just be like, "Fuck you, everyone has problems. Get the fuck over yourself." Because this is what I continually think to myself when I write on this blog.

I'm trying so hard to shake this, trying to get over these feelings of depression and I just want them to go away. I know that I have no room to complain when I live a good life, don't live in a third world country, I have food to eat, I take things for granted. I am spoiled. I am selfish. I already know this. But why does my own mind put me through such anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness and emptiness? Why does it put me through this Hell on a near daily basis? Will leaving the tri cities make a difference? Will it always be this way?

I guess that's my own decision.

My blog is becoming very redundant and I don't think anyone should read it. I will probably make it private soon. Though this blog is very therapudic for some reason and I don't think it would have the same effects if it was private. I just need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to get up very early to study Japanese. I usually feel good after I study, like I feel accomplished.



  1. You're not selfish dear. You have a valid reason for feeling this way. You know you the best. If you leave TC I really hope it helps. As, do what you think is best. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. You're parents may not agree but you are the one living this life, not them. They may have raised you and prepared you for the world but at some point they have to let their little girl go and be the woman they raised her to be. It's you're life after all. Grab it by the horns and do what is beat for you.

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