Friday, November 25, 2011

I guess Thanksgiving marks new beginnings. ~2~ What i'm thankful for.

See this? This is a living turkey. This is what we ate for dinner tonight. It's weird, when I think Thanksgiving turkey I don't think of what one actually looks like when it's alive. No wonder they cost a lot of money, you know how much feathers and shit someone had to peel off before it got to the grocery store? Poor turkey... And you know what's disgusting? The concept of meat itself. We eat meat because we've always eaten it, but when you think about it-- we're eating flesh!! What the hell!? When you think of the animal alive, it's so disgusting!!

I think it's time to start counting again, but this time, it's for real.

Today would be Day 2, because yesterday I made the decision to start counting again for numerous reasons. But I'm not counting down the days to leave, I'm counting up the days that I made effort to keep my mind off of unnessasary garbage. I won't explain the rules of this count in this entry, because I've done this twice previously. But third time is the charm I guess. So here it is, day 2. Day 2 of the new beginning, the new chapter.

Time flies by, doesn't it.

Today was sort of nice, very laid back. Today as everyone knows is Thanksgiving, though technically in 45 minutes or so it'll be Black Friday. I am NOT out in that mess. Not only do I not have the money to be blowing on just anything right now because of some wasted money on the internet (subscribed to a site that turned out to be totally different than what I wanted, and they charged me $17 for  the mistake. Next time, I'll read the reviews.) So in order to pay for that mistake for the next week or so I plan to not spend any money on food. My mom owes me $30, so I'll just use that for next weeks gasoline. If all goes right, I will be able to save quite well until my next paycheck. That check is going to be a pretty crummy one, so I'm thinking about asking for my schoolbooks for Christmas. There really isn't anything else on my list, I've got pretty much everything I want right here.

I guess my christmas list at this point would be this:
-One of my schoolbooks (So I don't have to buy them all)
-Those homemade wool hats that my mom is working on...
-A good webcam to use for making youtube videos.
From my friends:
-A pipe (Me and Katelynn are exchanging, so I'll be happy to get one. I'm not mentioning this to my family, haha).
-Samantha is getting me a worthy insence holder. I have one but it doesn't catch the ashes, what the hell is the point?
-Anything from Fuego-- psychadelic jewelry, accessories like hats or scarves, size large T-shirts, whatever. I like all that stuff.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's gonna be a pretty small christmas this year. I can't help but not really feel in the spirit of it. All I can think about is how much money i'm going to spend on gifts this year and how to divide it out so that it doesn't kill me all in one shot. I get paid again... I think December 1st, which is gonna be pretty crummy because not only am I not getting good hours but I keep on getting sent home early. Very annoying. Then the next one would be on the 15th. That's only two more paydays until Christmas.

So my plan is:
-On my paycheck on the 1st, I'm going to have to order Samantha's tablet. It's going to be expensive as crap, but I need to preorder it so that I make sure it gets here on time. Amazon is always super good with shipping times though. I'll also grab something for Shavonne. Not sure what yet, maybe some fabric or yarn? She likes knitting... She's always complaining about not having a sewing machine but I can't afford to help pay for something like that. Besides, shes shown no interest in what I'd like for Christmas, even if I did want a bunch of stuff.

-On the 15th I'll buy Katelynn's pipe and a gray scarf or something for my Mom. I never know what my mom wants exactly. She has a gillion scarfs but she always seems to mention wanting them. I am going to get Katharine something kind of funny, but useful (not a vibrator, god whoever is reading this is a pervert!!). I can't publish what it is on here, but I will write this hint to myself in case I forget: it's something I can buy at work. I have to reorganize them constantly.

Luckily my Dad and sister are out of the way. I should probably wrap up those gifts. I also need to clean up my room and study Japanese a bit tomorrow. This weekend has been really uneventful, I've spent almost all day today and yesterday sitting around doing nothing except playing guitar and the Sims. For the first time today I actually played along with a song, which was really exciting. I played Sonne by Rammstein. It's pretty easy but it's a start. I always start playing and feel no progression and forget about it, but this time I think I'm going to be more patient.

Vundabar means "wonderful" in German. I'm posting that as my status tonight on facebook.

Okay so, because it's thanksgiving I'm going to write what I'm thankful for.

Emily's Thankful List for 2011!!!

1. I'm thankful for Katelynn Collins, who has always been there for me in the worst and most distraut times. She's someone I truly can relate to unlike anyone else and I will love her for the rest of my life for that. I don't know what I'd do without her. My life would be so different if I would have never met her because we almost matured together in middle school and now we have similar mannerisms, it's weird! She's made me realize the importance of having a few good friends versus a shit ton of friends that you know an inch deep. She makes me laugh and I've had amazingly fun times with her. I'm thankful that she's alive, well, out of her mom's house, and that I just happened to meet her in a talent show in the 5th grade.

2. I am thankful that my parents are who they are and didn't send me to a mental institution or have me diagnosed with autism when I was a kid (I had a lot of the social tendencies..) for being socially different and having anger problems. I'm thankful also that they love me for who I am, and don't expect me to be anyone else. They have allowed me every opportunity that I've wanted to do; some being less successful than others-- sports, Evergreen girls state, taking crazy trips to Seattle, anime conventions, trying to learn how to play the guitar, doing band in middle school... everything. Whatever I wanted to do at the time, they allowed it and in many of the cases paid for it. And for that, I am eternally grateful because it's help me become the person I am today.

3. I am thankful for my sister, though we have social differences. We've really grown closer now that our family feels so isolated from our extended family. I know we're nothing alike in so many ways, but I still love her and she's technically the closest blood relative I have in the world. She's put up with so much shit from me but she never holds a grudge and has just sort of taken it.
I remember the crazy night that I got back from Ryan's house and we had some conflict about something, and my sister told me "Fuck you!" I've told Avery fuck you probably over a hundred times, but when she said it back to me I was so shocked and hurt. We ended up making up after I called Samantha balling my eyes out because of how alone I felt because of all the conflict with my family, and we ended up making up and realized how stupid we were both being. We realized how much we've taken for granted how lucky we are to have eachother. So for that, I'm thankful for Avery.

4. I'm thankful that I'm happier with my body than I've ever been in my life. I look thin and I look in the mirror and I am no longer so hung up about my body. Granted, I don't eat unhealthy and I still fret about what I eat, but I don't feel a need to lose more weight or feel like certain parts are nasty. I have just accepted that I am who I am. In a sense, I'm sort of thankful for Guy Stevens for being so complimentary of how my body looked. He told me that my thighs and ass are "bangin." That compliment alone really meant a lot to me for some reason, because I've always been really self concious about my thighs.

5. I'm thankful for the Japanese program at CBC. I know a lot of people think they're strange because of the obsession with Japanese culture, but I don't really care. I've met some really nice people in the program, and they've kept me company in my last couple years at CBC. One in particular that i'm especially thankful for meeting is Brad Pitkin, probably the least "Japanophile-y" one  that was in that class, but he was still a little nerdy haha. Anyway, he's been hugely supportive of me and I don't think I would of passed math 97 without him. And of course Hannah, who's been someone that I hang out with a lot at CBC which has been nice. It's really nice to not be alone at cbc . . . like I was the first year I was there.

6. I am thankful for all the lessons I've learned from all the guys i've had generally unsuccessful relationships with. I feel like because I've learned these lessons now, I won't make the same mistakes later in life when these mistakes are more detrimental. I feel like now, I have a far better idea of what i'm looking for in someone that I'd want to be with the rest of my life rather than just lusting. I also know that people DON'T change and that you can't try to change someone into something they're not to hide things that bug you.

7. I'm thankful for Katharine, who continued to be my friend even when I was a complete weirdo at certain stages of childhood. I randomly thought about some certain instance at work the other day when I was a kid, about building a huge blanket fort in my basement and Katharine sitting around watching for like 3 hours while I played Spyro on PS1. I can't imagine she was having fun. And I'm sure there were many times like this where she wouldn't be having fun at all because of my weirdnesses when I was younger, yet she continued to be my friend anyway. And I'm glad she did, because we've had some pretty fucking fun times together too. : ) Today we don't really hang out or talk much because of the distance and she lives a really busy live and so do I, but I still consider her one of my best friends and even if she does move to LA and we barely get to see eachother she always will be.

8. I'm thankful for Samantha, who has gone on some amazingly fun, nerdy trips with me to anime conventions. I've always been a shoulder for her to cry on when she's having trouble, and I feel like if I am down about something I can cry to her and she won't ever judge me for it. She's a sincerely sweet person, and she means a lot to me. I definately consider her one of my best friends as well, which is why I'm spending so much money to get her this tablet. I guess it's a lame way of showing someone how much they mean to you but I feel like it'd be something she really needs. She draws all the time and she has to take stupid pictures of her drawings with a digital camera, which doesn't work very well at all. I can't see her parents buying her one in the near future, so I think it'd be the best gift I could get her.

9. I'm thankful for my love of rock music. period. I can't imagine how I would be able to reduce my stress while driving. Not only that, metal has a way of empowering me.

10. I'm thankful for Bronkaid. I know this sounds creepy. It's an over the counter asthema medicine that Ryan told me about that I originally started taking for appetite surpressent. It has become the absolute greatest thing for my trouble focussing. It sort of acts like Adderal. it helps me stay calm and focussed, and has really benefit me this quarter. I think it helps with my depression and anxiety too. So it's been a good replacement for Wellbutrin, and i'm hoping it doesn't become perscription only. If it did I'd be in trouble.

11. I'm thankful for my big eyes, my soft skin, that I no longer have acne, that I'm not prematurely going gray (and probably won't thanks to my Dad's mom), my cute ears, my "bangin" physique, and my long hair. I find myself pretty for the first time in my life and I'm thankful for this.

12. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to go to college. That alone is so scarce and I think I take it for granted. I intend to thank my parents for this tomorrow.

All these things that I never thing about that I really do give thanks for. Thank god I have this blog where I can organize my thoughts.


time for bed....

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