Today really should be an exciting day.

Man, graduation day started out extremely shitty and it's barely 10:00 am. I got up at 7:30, knowing that I'd be blowing about a third of my savings to pay for Spring quarter. I tried to find some sort of proof that we actually had paid for some of my Spring tuition, but it looks like I unknowingly blew the entire thing. There was no proof of checks written to CBC from my Dad in April.

I posted a status about this. Another status about my distaste with how the financial aid system works and how minorities are "spoonfed" the money they need when the caucasions are expected to pay it in full. When I say "minorities" I was of course implying Hispanics. African Americans get financial aid as well, but not nearly as much. Asians and Indians (of India) of course get no easy aid because the school system knows that their culture knows the importance of a good education and would be willing to pay anything to get their kids ahead.

I feel that this is wrong, the way financial aid segregates people based on their race. I feel financial aid should be based on a students grades and how hard they work. Shouldn't that be who the state invests in? The students that get the best grades and therefore deserve to not have to live in this constant fear of their own family's finances? No. Because in order for our country to prosper, we have to supplement the education of the people that can't afford it because if the lower income households don't get that money, their kids won't go to college, then they could potentially cost our country more money in the long run. But because all the financial money is going to young welfare Moms, Hispanic people, and other low income households, where does this leave the caucasion middle ground? Fucked. Paying out thousands just to get by and forcing their parents to live paycheck to paycheck just to get their kids a decent education.

And these are families that did the "right" thing. Got married (no money for married couples). Got some sort of degree-- whether it be their bachelors or even some vocational degree. Maybe they don't have a degree at all but they make enough money to make it appear that they could support the thousands it takes to ge their kids through school. The amount that people make per year isn't nessasarily the most accurate indicator of how much money they have available to them. We've been getting by alright, but I'm certainly not going to be doing anything too fun like take any road trips or do any major splurges. Nope, gotta save up.

I had to give them $500 right out of pocket this morning. I got paid yesterday, so I had $600 in my checking and $1300 in my savings after this guitar expense that my Mom still hasn't helped me out with. I had told my Dad that because I knew he didn't want to pay for any more Japanese, I'd pay for half of it.That'd be $250, which was doable, just like my guitar was. Of course had I knew that I needed to pay for this I would have waited a couple weeks on the guitar.

..No, I couldn't of, that's a lie. I love that guitar like a baby now, seriously it's like my lifesaver right now because without it I'm pretty sure I would have gone stir crazy.

My mind is almost entirely off men again, Jack never made an effort to get ahold of me after my text message that essentially told him that he's dead to me. Wait, did I write about this? I've told almost all of my closest friends about this but I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my blog. This is definately significant enough to talk about though. I'm waiting for Katelynn to get back at me so I have a little time. We're going to run into town together. I really shouldn't be spending the gas money because I'm going to be as cheap as possible for the next two weeks but I have to buy it.

Anyway, yes, I finally told Jack that I'm completely done with his games and that I never want to talk to him again. It took me nearly a week of courage and waiting for any sort of contact with him before I actually did this, but when he didn't initiate anything I decided enough was enough and I was tired of waiting.

"....I've been like a book that you pick up again every time you break up with your girlfriends and don't even have the balls to admit it and that's whats driven me nuts. I am serious when I say I never want to talk to you again, you are dead to me now. Have a nice life."

This was the end of it. And I think that's the end of it, period. I mean four years of this, four years of him unknowingly torturing my emotions and playing with my head. Making me think that he ACTUALLY found me appealing, liked who I was as a person, thought I was beautiful.. etc etc. Nope, because if he found me beautiful, interesting and someone that he'd actually want to be with he would not play me like this. He's always treated me like I was second best to all these other bitches.

Katelynn was right when she said I would feel a lot better about it once it was over and I do. I feel numb again, repressed, alone. But I feel this is the way it's meant to be, and could be for a long time and I have to be patient. Katharine and Katelynn BOTH told me that I need to not let this happen again; not let some guy dick me around again and again and fall for it.

I just can't believe I somehow fell for it a third time. My mom had a lot to do with it because she was egging me on and asking me a lot of questions about it. She didn't tell me at all, "Emily, no, Jack's just doing this same bullshit that he always does... Stay away." I think Katharine tried, having questioned it IMMEDIATELY when I said that me and Jack were spending time together that day two weeks ago.



Man, it's already been two weeks, hasn't it? I guess time does ease the pain of this because I'm getting closer and closer to where I was before he started talking to me emotionally. I'd say it'll take another week of drowning out my emotions with guitar playing and spending time with people that I care about to not care anymore entirely, and he'll barely cross my mind if at all. I don't know how long it would take to get over someone, but I try to quantitate everything to ease my mind that No, even if this was the first time ever really having feelings for anyone, it won't be forever. In fact I like to think I'm fickle enough to be totally immune to most of these feelings, which is true....

I've just been so drained. The graduation ceremony is today but I don't have any enthusiasm about it at all anymore because of the money I had to spend. That and I'm practically starving because I didn't eat breakfast but I don't want to spend any money on food. I've got $90 in my checking account right now after the $500 deduction. I've got $1,200 in my savings account, which I feel is money I don't even really own because it's only for future expenses in college. $40 of that $90 is going to go to my safety blanket today, and the other$50 I am going to try to stretch as far as humanly possible for the next couple weeks until my Dad pays that money back.

shit, I'm too hungry to fast until I get home. I really don't want to spend any money at all but I have to or I'm afraid I'll get dizzy on the road or something. My mom doesn't understand why I do the things I do to save money but it's because I am 100% dedicated to making it so I don't have to rely on anyone in my future. I want to be 100% financially reliant on myself. I'm not going to be like the Hispanics and have the government pay for my school. I'm going to get a loan and have to suffer the consequences later. I'm not going to be like the entitlement culture that gets welfare money from the government or food stamps or reduced lunch for my kids or anything like that. The whole process makes me sick, so I will bust my ass so that I never have to deal with it. The first half of my college is done, that means I'm halfway to making my own decent money.

This is a huge step in the right direction for me, yet I don't feel very excited because I feel it's very insignificant and it's much too early to celebrate. It took me forever to get my AA... 3 years feels like way too long for CBC, and I almost feel humiliated about it.

But I'm DONE. That $500 is going to buy my degree today, my parents will pay some of it back eventually. My mom is now saying that she doesn't "owe" me any money even though she still promissed she'd give me $100 to help pay for my guitar plus the $40 to help pay for my lessons. I'm having a feeling she's not going to actually pay me for either now that the guitar's been paid for. Whatever, she doesn't have too. She needs to save her own damn money so my Dad will stop yelling.

peace.

Why you won't EVER see me dance, Ever.

Evening everyone, I hope your day was as good as mine was today.

No honestly. Today went pretty fantastic. WAY better than planned. I expected my ping pong tournament to be a complete disaster where nobody showed up and half the people that do show up end up bailing half way-- NOPE! Everyone that signed up stuck around until either the end or until they were out, which made me so happy. The bracket system worked really well, too.

This is what the poster looked like. I ended up adding "Sports Day" and "11:30-1" at the top. I was so happy when all of the participants were respectful of me needing to use both courts to get the ball rolling, probably because most of them were participants.

I showed up today and Jon was wearing this karate outfit thing with a cloak with the Japanese flag on it. I thought it was interesting, very spirited. I didn't really advertise the fact that the event was for the club very much, aside from the obviousness in the poster. But all of the guys that did play were super stoked to have a formal tournament to see who was the best. The winner got a ping pong raquet. Jon ended up getting second place, and I was nervous that he was actually going to win. . . I wouldn't of wanted him to win because the purpose of this was to advertise the club to other people around the school so we can get more members. It's weird though, I feel like the club itself has become sort of exclusive without realizing it.

I like someone, don't know if I've brought this up yet in previous entries. Probably not. I seem to like someone new each week and get over it quickly because I don't end up really being into them for one reason or anyother. But I DO like this one. Like, he's got... "It." I've yet to find out what "It" is but I know that if things do work out, I'm gonna be pretty content with this one. That being said, I'm going to really not try to push it talking to him wise... This definately seems like a guy that likes space. We haven't texted all day... So I'm gonna be very patient and not worry about it. If things are meant to work out, they will. But if not, well that's no loss for me because nothing ever does in that aspect of my life so it's not a big deal.

Math class was good today. I actually talked to Lambert for a little while because I brought her a problem after class that I needed help on and she spent a good 10 minutes helping me with it. That thing was AWFUL. Another one of those stupid motion problems that I dispise. She seems so have noticed how hard I work, and said that it seems like I'm "getting it." That alone means a ton to me. She seems pretty cool. She's probably only 27 at the oldest, so I felt like I could talk to her pretty easily. I told her that I intend to be a business major which means I'm going to have to take a bit more math down the line but this is my last algebra class and I really need it to move forward in my life. I have been studying very hard and doing all I can do to pass that class, and I'm pretty proud of myself for my dedication. I'm gonna need TWICE as much dedication for next quarter though when I'm gonna be doing the double hit of accounting and visual basic-- which are both pretty math based. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do it.

I've begun considering other college options as well. I'm going to start looking into Portland. Not only is it closer, but it's a city and it's way less expensive than Bellingham.

Dancing. I fucking dread this word. I hate dancing, I'm terrible at it, I have zero rhythm, and I feel like because I'm so bad people stare at me. Apparently, someone wants to ask me to go to some company party with them but this person wants to know if I'll dance if I go. Uhm, no. Just, no. I can't dance at all, and I refuse to be anywhere where dancing is an obligation. It's funny, there are two situations in my life that I avoid at all costs-- Dancing and rollarcoasters. And it's had an impact on many instances in my life where people either want to dance or want to go ride rides at the fair or something and I just flat out refuse and then feel like I missed out on something. But in the times that I HAVE agreed to dance or go on a rollar coaster, I've been completely miserable and either get made fun of or laughed at. So no, they'll have fun without me. I'd rather be at home alone. I'll just make things worse for them anyway because when one person is feeling awkward and not having fun, it's magnetic.

I'm pretty sure my 100% opposition to dancing is rooted from both highschool and my mom/sister. Whenever I was at dances in highschool, I'd never be having a good time so I'm sure I wouldn't be smiling-- so I'd just be trying to copy everyone else, almost every 15 minutes or so looking at the clock and hoping it gets over soon so I can get the hell out of there. But there'd be people like Kirsten Kunkel that would be like, "Are you okay?" Like, you look weird, basically. I don't know if these people were directly insulting my bad dancing or the expression on my face. Probably both.

Then there's the fact that my sister's a cheerleader, and she's always been really good at dancing. I remember this one time that Denae was over and they were trying to learn some stupid fucking Miley Cyrus dance that I'd learned at Evergreen girls state. So I went out and started dancing to it, joking around, and my sister chuckles and goes, "Spaz." I've never in my life been so insulted by her, and I right there wanted to punch her in the face so hard, again and again, then kick her in the groin and spit in her face. I'm a spaz? You're a weak piece of shit. That's what was going through my head, and was for about three days. I was sincerely hurt. So from that point on, I swore to NEVER, EVER dance again. And it doesn't help that my mom and sister like to remind me of how bad at it that I am, even jokingly. I think it gets them off that I'm not good at something.

I discovered I was a shitty dancer a few years before high school though, at Katharine's birthday party back in the 7th grade. Back then, Katharine liked to invite a bunch of girls from her class over, some of which being the "popular ones" that probably didn't particularily care about Katharine what-so-ever but she was probably seeking some sort of approval from. I'm not saying that Katharine was a wannabe, but as she got older I think she realized that a lot of those girls weren't her actual friends, and rightfully so-- Katharine ended up being a record breaking athlete and one of the top students in her class when I remember seeing a different girl that was at her parties in middle school smoking cigarettes on her lunch break with bags under her eyes out on Windy street behind the highschool looking like complete garbage. Anyway, we were all dancing out in their family's shop, and I remember thinking that I just couldn't do what the rest of them were doing, and feeling like I was an ugly joke. That dancing went on for like 3 hours and it was one of the most miserable, self loathing moments of my life that I can look back on.

OMG THIS LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE MY WORST NIGHTMARE.
I think I would rather eat a live mouse in front of everyone.

So yeah, no dancing for me. Ever. I'm pretty sure if I have it my way I won't be dancing at my wedding reception. Lol, you recently I realized that it's a tradition for the bride and groom to dance in front of everyone for one dance. Even if it's slow dancing, that sounds terrifying.

I guess the only circumstance that I will dance is when I'm alone, playing Just Dance, on extremely low volume, strictly for the cardio exercise of it.

Alright well I'm gonna get going, peace out.

Sims Downloading Nightmare.

I recently got a new computer, sort of. It's the Dell computer that was downstairs, that is currently making up for my lack of a laptop. Yep, my laptop finally took a shit and I lost my music, my custom sims town called Woodland with all of it's amazing characters, and GuitarPro. It sucks, but life goes on, I figured it would happen eventually.

Pretty much my entire day has been consumed by trying to understand why my Sims expansions have been having so much trouble downloading to my practically new Dell computer.

Originally, at about 8 pm last night... I thought it would be easy to download the sims games. Practically new computer, virgin of practically any downloading, six sims games that all downloaded perfectly onto my old laptop, and all of the serial codes. No problem, right? WRONG.

Last night I tried inserting the Double Deluxe disc, the base sims game. The disc drive didn't seem to read it, or recognize the information on the disc at all. Originally, me and my mom thought it was a broken or dirty disc drive, but then we inserted Sims Bon Voyage and it loaded fine. Okay, faulty disc. So then, I decided, Hell, might as well buy one from EA games.

I bought Double Deluxe and had to go through the process of creating a stupid EA games account as well as download the Sims download manager software, which is chock full of advertisements and other garbage. I proceeded to download it, and thought it would go fine.... I was very patient, as the game loaded about 0.01% every minute... sometimes it sped up, sometimes it would halt entirely and actually set BACK the percentage. This drove me crazy, yet I waited patiently until about 12 am when I had to go to sleep. By the next morning, it was at 98.05%, and stops.

I called customer service, and the woman on the line said there was nothing I could do, aside from get a direct internet connection. My mom and I MOVED my desktop computer to the floor, nearly breaking the screen, to do so. The download sped up a bit, then slowed down once more. I then moved my computer up to my desk again and somehow I picked up a good connection and downloaded.. in about four hours. Woo. But then I had the problem with my expansion packs...

Open for Business, Bon Voyage, and Freetime downloaded no problem because they are two disc games, but for some reason my computer would not read the other 1-disc expansions. So at this point my sims have the option to start a shitty business, spend their time at a pottery wheel, and go on vacation... but can't go to college, have pets or stay at hotels/apartments. I had to get ahold of customer service once more, and the woman told me I needed to contact my Dell provider instead because of the faulty disc drive. Right, like they're going to help me with this incredibly specific problem. I didn't lose hope though. I asked the woman if there was any way I could transfer the disc information from the sims game from one computer to the other-- because for some reason the 1-disc games work on my mom's computer. I know this is my Dell's fault.

So here I am, it's already 10:11 pm and I'm trying to transfer over my other sims games using my dad's thumbdrive-- which if it breaks I'm in deep shit. It's taking ages, because not only do I have to wait for the information from the sim disc to transfer to the thumb drive, but I also have to wait for it to transfer from the thumb drive onto my computer, THEN wait for the game to load. Thus far, my efforts have been futile. The stupid "Sims 3" advertisement software imbedded into the game has been screwing up my download. I'm trying really hard to make it work, but this is going to be my last attempt.. because at this point I don't know what to do. I could always buy another disc drive that could hook up to this one, but maybe it's the COMPUTER that doesn't read it... and then I'd waste money that I don't have.

So that's the story. It's a mess. I am really disappointed with not only the Maxis software, but how my computer has been acting.. I just wish it would of been simple like it was on my laptop and not an all day ordeal. Well hey, the Lord givith and the Lord takith away. Right now I've been working on getting University life downloaded, and honestly if this one works and the other two don't I'll be happy anyways. Apartment life is really nice, but I can still build hotels with Bon Voyage, I believe. Most of the features that I would want in Apartment life are available with Bon Voyage and Open for Business... however, when all of the expansions are working together, the game is fantastic and leaves a lovely campus for the greatest escape and creativity. I'm going to start sharing my creations online if I can get this damn game to run smoothly.

Today I ran, and shortly after me and my dad went out to dinner. So I guess the calories that I burned running didn't make much of a difference. I got a small hamburger at the Bears Den place, and it tasted really bomb. The menu options were kind of limited, so the hamburger was the only thing that looked good. It came with fries too, but I didn't eat them because I was already pretty full and didn't really want them because they're so bad for me.

Alright, gotta go, gonna mess around on mall world. Here I am, in my room, a computer next to me downloading a video game and a computer in front of me writing a blog. Wow, the internet changes people.

yours,

Emily