Some thoughts on prozac.

I've realized that I no longer want to take my current dose of Prozac and move back down to 40 mg. I thought that taking 60 would make me feel happier but I'm realizing it has a way of making me feel slow. It's making it hard to have everyday conversations with people because I feel extremely uninterested. Granted my moods have been pretty stabilized. It's taken that "longing" feeling away for the most part which has been nice and I've felt less of a need to communicate-- which can be a good and a bad thing.

I guess my main problem with prozac is that I've noticed an increased difficulty in connecting ideas. Like I'll be talking to people and forget where I'm going and just trail off and get really quiet... Like I forget where I'm going with an idea completely.

So yeah, hopefully cutting back to 40 mg is going to be something that will help me further advance toward where I want to be. I'd like to be more confident with my schoolwork so I can allow myself more freedom to have fun and experience my time here. Being more confident requires planning ahead of time and being proactive on a timely manner. Procrastination is still a problem I have, mainly attributed to facebook.

This daily goal checklist that Jacob recommended I do has helped quite a bit over the last few days though. Today I just found myself sort of lazy... I think Prozac at this dosage has a way of making my mind sluggish in general, like as I write this I'm just thinking "Wrap this up so I can be done..." and haven't had the motivation to write much at all lately.

F*ck, not cool... Just now am I realizing that these past two weeks I really haven't felt like myself, and starting tomorrow I'm going back to 40 mg to see if I feel more clearheaded.

Tomorrow's a new day.

peace. 

This week has been my real vacation

I hate being broke.

This morning I called Rite aid and apparently my drug tests haven't come in yet. Fabulous. I wasn't able to get ahold of Amy at Jcpennies either but I did leave a voicemail message that sounded pretty good. I want to start working so bad because I've been kind of stuck at home. My days have consisted of a lot of sims and practicing guitar lately.

A couple evenings ago I got invited to go to a party at Raquel D.'s and Travis's house where I've never been before. Brian Q. invited me and I was like sure, why the hell not, ha ha-- don't really know any of these people but hey, felt like getting kind of drunk. It wasn't a bad time. I think I was friendly, but being off my medication for a few days and drinking was a weird combination.

I did see the doctor yesterday and I'm happy to be back on my medication again. I feel like my mind has been going through the shock of it being back in my system so I've been sleeping a lot the past couple days. I don't feel stressed out or bad about anything which is a good feeling.

I honestly feel like I could give a f**k about a lot of things right now. I feel like I'm finally over Jack... This last girl just really broke the camel's back for me. The fact that we were close for a couple days and then BAM, he's got this new girl and he's posting pictures with her continually.... It's just immature and I'm done with it. I feel like all of this emotion has just been complete waste over the years because he doesn't actually care about me at all. It's all just about what he wants in that current moment.

So the only reason Jack came into my life after all was really just to motivate me to play guitar. I feel like I can now accept this and move on. I've said this time and time again but this time I'm serious. I don't want him back around in my life because my trust is entirely gone and I don't think I could ever take anything he says seriously again so there's no point.


okay moving on....

After this I'm going to watch Bob's burgers and practice guitar.

Some of the things they say in this show are like "Oh my God I can't believe they just said that..." like it does kind of push your comfort level even for a cartoon-- Not as grotesque as Drawn Together, but some of the dialogue is like woah, awkward. Still, I've totally enjoyed this show the past few days and it's kept me entertained while I've been not working. This week has been my vacation of doing nothing really, it's been nice. I feel like when I do start working I'll be really refreshed and ready to go. 

Me right now. Not a very glamorous day as you can see. This is after a three hour nap. Ha ha my bedroom is so gloomy.

peace.

Pinky pie swear~

Some typical first year kanji. I can read a little more than half of these.

Cbc library again.. messing around when I probably should be studying, but because I have the entire huge thanksgiving break to do so I have little motivation.

This morning I had a Japanese kanji test, which I waaaay overdid it on the studying and did about 1000+ squares of grid paper full of them, yet still forgot the kanji compound for "to travel" and "tonight." So I probably got a B on it, after all that work and copying over and over again. I honestly didn't look over which compounds we had to memorize until a couple minutes before the test because Hannah just happened to have the packet. Note to self, look over that packet next time.

I have work at five. Maybe I'll work on my drawing for my drawing challenge thingy. I am going to draw my favorite place, which in this case is my Grandma's house in Atascadero. I've had some of the greatest times of my life there. Granted, things sort of went downhill a bit when my Grandpa died but I've still enjoyed the last times I've been there. I miss my Grandma, and everyone else down there-- with the exception of Zoe, admittedly with all the drama she causes. Well, everyone down there has a tendency to be frustrating at times, but they're the only family I've got.  I still no longer consider anyone on my Dad's side my family anymore, and never will for the rest of my life. I hope all of them have just a fantastic Thanksgiving this Thursday, and they can talk a bunch of shit about us while they're at it.

It's sad, ever since that Zoe situation where I told Danae thank you for standing up for my sister when Zoe's trashy friend was laughing at her, my mom and I haven't been in contact with my Aunt or Adam what so ever. It's going to be really awkward now when I do see them, because they probably think I still holding a grudge against them or something. Ugh, I have no idea why my family has become so excluded from everyone. I don't think we did anything to deserve this... it's very saddening how alone we are. It's funny though, Haley (Wilson, I met her at Jessika's party recently) told me that her family is in the same boat and that they're not in contact with their mom's side of the family at all and her Dad just talks to his brother Dustin, and that's it.

The main reason that my immediate family was cut out from my Dad's side is obvious-- it's a combination of the fact that we're not mormons, and greed. The fact that we're not mormons has always made us outcasted in the first place, so I think that made it easier for them to just shut us out. I don't understand the mormon faith and why it's so damn exclusive.

Jack Didleys needs to stop freaking messaging me. I have no interest in going to their stupid club and I've replied multiple times saying "STOP" and I'll get a response that says they're going to stop sending messages but they don't.

I get like, no texts lately. Maybe because I posted that I'm fed up with texting? Or maybe because I'm bad about replys, I don't know. I'm just not really talking to anyone right now aside from who I see at school. Katelynn's been working these night shifts and I never going early enough to hang out with her on the weekends. She works from like, 4-12 AM or something like that, then she goes home and sleeps in sort of late. I only typically like to hang out with people in the evenings. I mean I'll get up early and do stuff but I don't really like going out that before 1 pm.

I need to go to wal mart and stock up on Broncaid. It's become my new Wellbutrin, but it doesn't give me the anxiety side effects. It also really helps with my ADHD. I've been taking it twice-three times daily since me and Ryan started hanging out, and I don't intend to stop taking it even if I'm not diagnosed with any sort of asthema. So, in a sense I'm abusing an over the counter drug. But because it's benefitting me a lot more than it's damaging me (sometimes I get runny noses because it loosens the moucus membranes), I'm not going to stop unless they stop me from buying it. And if it does become perscription, I really don't know what I'm going to do... Maybe try another anti-depressent, but that's scary. After my previous panic-anxiety attack from Wellbutrin, I don't want to ever go there again. It makes everything so scary. I'm still getting over it today, and sometimes have to carefully keep myself in check by breathing deeply or focusing on something else. Anxiety tends to sneak up on me at work worse than anywhere else.

Well, I think I'm gonna go draw. I have no idea what I'm gonna do this weekend, honestly. I'm going to try my best to get a lot of work done.

yours,
Emily