Saturday, November 3, 2012

Black cherry hookah and pleasant afternoons...

So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday.

Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings. 

That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing. 

I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....

I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming. 

I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime. 

I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week. 

So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore.

I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. 

This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. 

She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure.

We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong. 

I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too. 

Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl! 


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