Thursday, November 15, 2012

I feel like such a mooch at times.

I just checked my balance on my Sterling account. I got down into the 600's, which is not where I like to be, especially when I came here with $1,200 but that's life.. it's expensive.

I spend more money on food than anything, but I have to be careful of these extra expenditures that I don't really need. I think the best way to avoid extra expenses is to take better care of my stuff, try to use things in moderation, and try not to be wasteful. My second biggest expense is my guitar lessons at $80 a month which is expensive as fuck for me right now because I'm not making any money... And I hate asking for it.

I couldn't possibly get a job... I'd be impossible for me with the amount of studying that I absolutely HAVE to do to do well on my tests at all. Like I don't think a lot of people understand that school doesn't come easy for me, I have to study many, many hours to do as well as I do. I'm not someone that can "wing" tests, if I try to wing things I fail. My brain rarely instinctively gives me the right answers using common sense, I have to know it hours before I begin the test.

My body is fragile in a lot of ways... if I'm on my feet working for a few hours there's no way I would be able to come home and study. I remember when I'd come home from days at Rite Aid and I would just sit and play guitar for hours on end to bring myself down from the stress/exhaustion of the day.

That being said, my parents are pretty much paying for everything here.... So I live with an incredible amount of guilt and shame because of how my Dad makes me feel whenever I spend money. It doesn't even matter if the guitar helps regulate my emotions, I feel like I'm disappointing my Dad and using him even if it's one of the only things I spend money on.

Because I don't party-- I never spend money on alcohol. I don't really go out to eat. I don't buy clothes for myself and half my jeans don't fit. I don't rent movies or go out to the movies at all. I don't smoke cigarettes. I have never been to a bar. I rarely go out. I don't drive. Yet I'm guilty, guilty for being alive.

It's 9:46 AM. I've got a huge amount of work to do today.


Here's my to-do list:
-Groceries (I have no milk and need a bunch of other things, damn it..)
-Pick up my Connection card that I left at boogie man....
-Math Assign 13.. Which I don't understand so I'm going to have to go to the tutoring Center for it after I get back from grocery shopping
-Legal quiz 
-Guitar for 2 hours...
-Then my lesson at 5:30 pm.
-Accounting formula flashcards Chapter 15

If I can get alllll that done, I would really like to see Jed this evening. Probably not, though, we'll see. I'm assuming he's busy too since we're now in


..which means we're really, really coming down to the end which means the hardest work here in the next couple weeks.

I'm kind of feeling nervous and anxious about all the shit I have to do today. Probably means I should smoke and get started.

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