Monday, November 26, 2012

Your face looks famished.


Today was a good day, got a lot of work done.. Definitely more than what I would anticipate on a Monday but that's what I have to do in order to validate skipping my legal class.

Wow, suddenly I feel panicked in writing this. I hope I do not associate blogging with panic, now, the purpose of this blog is to get me AWAY from panic. But maybe the feeling of being very inside my own head is what's scaring me. I'll turn on some happy music.

Anyway let's see, what I got done:

-Called the post office. Then ran down there.... 9:30 am. They jacked my mail so I called them and they told me they had my mail on hold. So I drove down there, and... somehow there was no mail there for me. I'm like, okay then why did you call me down here?
Okay, I shouldn't say "jacked my mail." In all honesty, I hadn't checked my damn mail box in two weeks, but don't tell my Mom that. Especially when I am expecting a somewhat important piece of mail. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure to check it. I need to start checking it at least once a week or I could miss out on some important things... My roommate never checks the mail so it's my responsibility. All of the mail that's come has been for me anyway.

-Finished accounting assignment. Sort of. . . I was feeling facebook-y after my math class, ate a bunch of food, and it wasn't until about 11:00 that I actually started on what I needed to get done. One of the problems was ridiculously long, but luckily Holtfreter didn't notice at all.
I'm happy to say I got full homework credit in that class, perfect attendance too. The same can't be said about my legal class, but unless he changes it tonight I've got 100% participation.

-Studied accounting flashcards for a solid 40 minutes. Tomorrow I go into the process of trying to better understand Chapter 12, do a few of those assignments, then probably re-do some assignments in Chapter 15 as well. That's going to take 2-3 hours but I'm going to divide it out throughout the day like today so that it's less overwhelming.

-STARTING to make a little progress on my math... I am still having a hard time getting my calculator to do what I want it to do, and apparently I have to get it set up properly for this thing called "vars" that makes no sense to me. I'm just trying to master these kind of problems right now.
I will probably need to seek outside help on Thursday. This will probably be the first and only time I'll go to the math tutoring center. I keep on talking about going there but usually by that point I understand the material to the point that I don't need it. I always hate this part of the math quarter where there's two back to back tests, it's a pain. At least I don't have to do that in accounting.

-Practiced for 70 minutes. I've gotten a lot better on Wherever I May Roam, but I'm probably not working on pentatonics as much as I should. I'm really not in the mood to do it tonight but tomorrow I'm planning on doing a solid 40 minutes of just pentatonics and working with the backing tracks.

So it's almost 10 and I've just been chilling now, drinking my tea. I only took one lorazapam today and one half Bronkaid instead of the two that I had to take the past couple days to deal with the anxiety. I talked to Seth F. today and he told me that he used to have hour long panic attacks and told me he could offer some suggestions with dealing with them. I hope that when we hang out when I come back into town for Christmas break we can talk about that so I can gain even more methods in dealing with it.

I'd like to say it's almost completely under control now. I described to Katelynn and my Mom that my mind is too fickle to stay focused on something as natural as breathing. I'll be breathing until the day I die, so why focus on it? But it seems labored breathing is the first symptom to feeling the panic attacks come on, and when I let them get out of hand my limbs tingle, my heart beats faster and faster and I believe there's something sincerely wrong. Almost like there is a lump in my throat and it becomes to easy to believe that it could get out of hand...

This is Kristin, she has schizophrenia which she she openly discusses on her channel, including some of the common misconceptions people have about schizophrenic people. This video in particular is about school anxiety, and I used to really like to listen to it because her voice is pleasant but now I feel I can actually relate to it. Panic is by far one of the worst things I've experienced (well, maybe not as bad as the years of depression I faced but it's pretty tough) but I'm lucky there's a vast amount of people that have gone through it as well that are willing to share their thoughts on it.

I can happily say I did not have any panic attacks today, though I did notice feeling the breathing sensation during my accounting class and wanting to get out of there quickly. Once the Lorazapam kicked in I was able to overcome this anxiousness and feel peaceful as I quickly jotted down all the answers to today's homework. That's what it's there for.

I'm pretty sure one of my first highschool crushes is now addicted to meth. Out of curiosity I looked up his profile on facebook and he looks quite... famished. I can't explain it, meth heads evolve into zombies over time, it's quite sad. 

It's about time for me to go to bed now. Goodnight everyone, I'm hoping by this time on Wednesday I'll be writing to you about how I did well on the accounting final and have nothing to worry about but I've still got some major studying to do before I'm ready for 10:00.


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