Thursday, November 8, 2012

Is having someone to cuddle with sooo much to ask? haha

Just got done with my 3rd math test about an hour ago.

It went okay, I'll probably get another B-/C, I know I did some of them right but I totally goofed on the interest problems on the back. Ironically enough that was the one thing I was supposed to learn from this course but I kept on screwing up the calculations somehow. Oh well, he knows I tried. I actually came in this morning to ask him about it but he told me I'd get some of the points if I'm just able to write the values into the formula pretty much. I'm not too worried about it.

I'm making a grilled chicken thigh with sweet potato fries right now. It's only 10:00 AM but I almost always make myself some sort of brunch meal. I'll get up in the morning, usually not have time to make myself a healthy breakfast, then come home from my math class pretty hungry.

This makes me realize that for next quarter on Mondays-Wednesdays when I have my three classes in a row from 8:00-11 AM I need to be more proactive about getting up earlier to fix myself something or have a WHOLE bowl of cereal. Usually in the morning if I try preparing myself something I don't finish the whole thing because of both lack of appetite and time constraint.

I've found "Mexican Eggs," or my version of it.. to be a total Godsend energy wise. I'll post a picture and a recipe next time I make it. Maybe I will tomorrow. I need to buy more tortillas. Better add that to my list of things I gotta buy on my next shopping trip...

Today is kind of one of those lonely days. It'll feel a lot better once I have my guitar lesson with Jacob, which is today at 5:30 PM so I'm stupid f*ing stoked to practice all day and just enjoy my time. I plan on watching nostalgic youtube videos, try to run though to scales, work on my pieces... It's going to be SUCH a nice day off today. Okay maybe it's not a lonely day after all! Ha ha see how that works?

I do miss my cat though. She's back home, earlier I wanted to cuddle up and go back to bed after that test but now that I smell lunch cooking and remembered that I've got ALL day to practice just made me feel energized. 

Once I started thinking about cuddling with Miranda I thought, 'Well shit it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with in general...' I think that was one of the main things I was excited about with Jed was having someone to wake up to occasionally. Most people don't mind sleeping alone; I certainly don't mind sleeping alone.. I mean I have my whole life so it's not like I can complain! But when Winter comes its like ugggh... it's cold. It's always been a lot easier because I had Miranda on my bed every night. 

But alas! Jed more than likely woke up next to some other girl today! Some magical girl that just realized she really should have loved Jed all along and when they drunkenly reunited at that party everything became so much clearer. That's beautiful, they're SO cute and I'm SOOOO happy for them! 

It's scenarios like this that make me feel very numb inside. I remember thinking the other day, "If I met my 16 year old self, what would she think of me..." Well I know my sixteen year old self would be extremely impressed with what I've become. When I was sixteen I wished I could play the guitar but could never do it because I never had direction with crappy instructors like Mr. Neilson. I was pretty self conscious back then so I think I would be happy to see how much confidence I've gained and how easy it's become for me to meet people. 

I don't know if meeting people was necessarily the issue when I was 16... It was more of a lack of self worth at the time. That's back when I was dating Connor and had the only relationship I've ever been able to truly enjoy. I think my sixteen year old self would be really disappointed that things never got better after Connor. I'd tell myself that things just got worse... and worse... until January 2012 when I finally just said fuck it, men just need to get the fuck away from me. 

I was so full of love and genuine emotion when I was sixteen. I feel in some ways I've grown numb and cold towards those emotions since that time. I don't even allow myself to have crushes anymore because feel that person is just going to leave me... And trying to suppress it when I actually DO have feelings for that person and they continue to be in my life leaves me much more stressed out and than happy. 

Like when I was with Jed... I kept everything super casual, I tried not to flirt hardly at all because God forbid I should indicate I wanted a relationship. I was confident, which is sexy... There was nothing I could have done differently. Yet he still disappeared, and the week prior to him doing it I was crying all the time because I knew it was coming based on the fact that he hadn't texted me hardly at all. I just know the signs.. Plus I got a feeling the moment he'd left that morning. 

So it's a good thing I didn't allow myself to get too attached. That night when we were laying together, just momentarily I was laying against his side with his arm around me and I thought to myself, "Man... this is nice..." I took a second to really enjoy the moment because subconsciously I just knew this wouldn't last like everything else. 

..I remember I'd gotten up early to go to Math class and came back and he was still in my bed sleeping. He indicated that he wanted me to come lay back down but I didn't let myself even if I'd wanted too. I wanted to indicate that I'm not a lazy person, once I am up for the day I don't go back to bed. That and I could just tell by his body language that it would be my last time seeing him. 

Hoping my intuition wasn't true, I figured it'd be a cute gesture to make some pancakes for us for breakfast. I started making them and shortly after he practically bolted out the door to meet up with some friend.... So there I was in my kitchen staring at this bowl of pancake mix for two people with nothing to do with it. I ended up making two BIG, 10 inch pancakes, dumping a bunch of strawberries/sugar, and whipped cream on top and scarfing it myself. I just didn't give a f*ck. 

We really didn't talk for the whole next week. I thought about him quite a bit but didn't text him because he wasn't texting me first at all. I was just getting sick of the whole thing, tired of not knowing how he felt about me, knowing this probably wasn't going anywhere and it was just a matter of time before I wouldn't be able to spend time with him anymore... And look what happened! Exactly what I predicted! 

So to those of you that think being pretty makes a significant difference on the amount of bullshit girls have to go through you're wrong. In fact to be honest with you if you're pretty you're worse off in your early 20's because most of the guys in your dating pool are just trying to have sex with as many girls as they can. 


Which is why I am numb, and probably will be for a very long time. 

I don't even give a shit anymore you guys, seriously. I'm perfectly fine without someone, it's just frustrating this time of year to feel alone and cold. But to say "Alone" for me is comical because I have such an incredible network of people that I talk to... it's just, there's always something missing in *that* regard. But because my life has improved immensely over the past year I can't complain too much. I just gotta continue to deal with it and not allow more Jed's to come into my life. 

It's just not worth it, the stress of liking someone is way worse than the numbness of not liking anyone. 


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