Thursday, November 29, 2012

Winter break's coming up

Damn, I wish I would have asked his name...

I sometimes don't take hints or act quickly enough, and I think this is one of the reasons I've stayed single this long. I was standing in line today for book buybacks and this totally, totally hot guy got in line behind me. I had my books in my hands-- my precalc and accounting, and he was clearly staring at me. We made eye contact a couple times, I think I probably closed mouth smiled and kept walking, somehow anticipating the line to be longer. He asked me what accounting I was in. Surprised that he said anything to me, I said "" I noticed he was holding an accounting book as well. He responded, "A lot lower."

By then it was my turn in line. I turned and he sold his book back as well. As I left the line I looked over and wondered if he'd end up saying something else to me, and kind of wished I had asked his name before I stepped up to sell my book. I ended up getting $90 for my books, which I was stoked about. Apparently they only bought back 40 of the accounting 252 books and the rest would be SOL.

He walked away the other direction. There was some "Ware fair" going on in the SURC today but I really wasn't interested... I always feel so awkward in the surc. I don't really know anyone aside from these kids at the "Magic" cards table... which I would not fit into either and have no intention of trying. I have nothing in common with these people, either.

With cash in hand I didn't really want to look around at the "wares" people were selling, it all just looked like pointless craft show junk. I stopped at a table to rearrange some of my things. There were a guy and a girl sitting there. The guy looked like your typical out of shape, funky haircut, unkempt gamer. The girl looked normal enough so I debated if I wanted to sit down and perhaps strike up a conversation... At this time I was  putting my purse into my bag for the bikeride home.

Immediately I knew I didn't want to talk to these people when the girl opened her mouth and started being extremely loud and annoying, saying "Fuck!!" about three times in a few sentences. Realizing there was nothing for me in the Surc that day that would not be a waste of time, I left.

This school often feels a little like prison. I spend so much time studying and playing guitar in my room, especially lately that I have no guy that I'm interested in. There's someone I'm sort of into in the tri cities but what would the point of that be, it would just make me want to go home more often.

I don't know if I am REALLY looking forward to going home for the holidays, even if it is sort of the lesser of two evils in comparison to this place. At home I don't eat hardly anything because I can't stand the food my family eats. Here I cook three meals a day, I clean up after myself, and make sure I get the nutrients I need. All of my food is fresh and not passed the expiration date.

My Dad will make PBJ and leave a sticky mess all over the counter for someone else to clean up. It's practically impossible to keep up with because my sister leaves her little messes everywhere as well. 

At home... it's just processed junk foods, half the stuff in the fridge I have no idea when it was put there. Expiration dates don't bother my family. My Dad never wraps things properly, nor cleans up after himself so I'll go into the kitchen and there's crumbs and shit everywhere, like little globs of jelly on the counter...

The messes and not being able to find food to eat stresses me out and I end up taking it out on everyone else. I certainly don't feel comfortable, especially without my computer there. When I go home for Christmas break I'm going to have to make sure to bring my computer, which because it's a big heavy desktop computer, is a huge pain in the ass.

I choose to go home instead of stay at Central because there's at least stuff to do and people to talk to at home. I look forward to spending a lot of time with Katelynn and Samantha, thus I really put that $90 directly into my bank account and go easy on the spending the next week or so to prepare for all the driving around.

No matter what happens, I just want to make sure the panic attacks don't come back... They were pretty bad when I was at home, but if I have my computer there and a place to sit and practice I should be okay. There was no place to practice last time I went back aside from the kitchen table which is awful because my sister and Jimmy are always in the living room watching TV.

I'm just really hoping that with the medication and the self-therapy I will be able to just relax at home and have a nice vacation from Ellensburg.

I've got my guitar lesson in four hours so I need to practice as well as work on my math. Thus far today I've only done about a half hour.


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