Thursday, November 22, 2012

Trying to get back to normal.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

It's nice to be home... much, much less stress, anxiety, etc...

My Mom has has helped me out immensely by taking me to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed me Lorazapam. I now have something to take if I'm on the verge of having a panic attack but it makes me feel a little strange so I don't intend taking these very often. It's just a matter of not thinking about this and moving forward...

Today I'm planning on spending the whole day on the computer, playing my guitar and hanging out with my awesome family... And Jimmy.

Last night I went over to Samantha's house and immediately came out to her about the difficulties I've been having with my panic attacks. I was feeling very weird and unable to relax. Samantha is very understanding of what I've been going through and I know that she will be there for me no matter what. I talked to Shawn about learning to relax and he said, "I just don't care. There's no use in getting all worked up about something you can't control..." That's very true, that's what most people say, it's always just been hard for me to live and let live...

There are many underlying factors that led to this panic. Being worried about school, feeling isolated at Central, Jed telling me he liked me again and building hope about it then shortly being let down afterward...Just a number of things, more than anything though it was the panic of having another panic attack after my initial one back a few weeks ago.

So my biggest challenge is just to not think about it at all. Now that I know that there's nothing physically wrong with me (I went to the doctor's office and had a physical, everything looks very normal) there's no reason for me to worry. It's all just in my head. I just have to keep breathing... and stop thinking about breathing.

When I told Shawn about my almost near constant fear that it felt like my throat was closing up he told me, "Well it won't... Your throat won't do that." Logically I know that it won't, but that's always where I can feel the panic start. Then it moves to my chest.

I went over to Katelynn's house after Samantha's, and when I got there I took my 3rd Lorazapam half for the day. We smoked a little and it made me feel a LOT better. Smoking always helps me put things into perspective and calm me down, but the stuff that I was smoking before was too potent and made me feel even more paranoid then before.

So yes, very good visit with Katelynn, I always sleep extremely well on that mattress that she pulls out in the living room. Her and Alan are planning to move to different apartments over in Richland-- pretty close to Shawn and Sam, actually. That will be very nice.

I'm feel calm today. This has been a difficult few days with this panic issue but it's slowly resolving itself back into normalcy.


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