Well today was a really productive, relaxing day up until this evening when I checked my e-mail to see that Jake had gotten back to me.
As expected a couple invoices and warnings had been received through my electrictrictric email but because MSN is a b*tch and for some stupid reason is convinced that I am not really me and won't let me back in I did not receive any of these messages. I did get a call from Andrew a little over a week ago asking me to opt in to an automated payment system. I told my Mom about this and she said she couldn't do that right now and would pay him a little later. I didn't think about it and Jake hadn't mentioned it to me at the beginning of February so I figured we were going to pay him in the second week of February as usual.
He attached the two warning emails he sent to my currently unusable email. He told me that because of this disruption we're going to discontinue lessons. This hurt me a lot because had I have known it was such an inconvenience of course I would have made more of an effort to get it paid at the first of the month.
I feel really forsaken and sad. I was really starting to improve at Turkish March and was excited envisioning how incredible it would sound by the recital in May. Now that this has happened I feel even more determined to learn it but disappointed that I won't have a recital to perform it at. Now I guess it's up to me to sign up for open mic nights and things like that if I want to perform.
Jake taught me so much... In a lot of ways he's helped me build the confidence to get where I am today. I can't thank him enough for how much I've improved on the guitar, time management, and coping with life. The thought of no longer having that mentor in my life was what broke me down today most of all. But maybe it's time. Maybe I've gotten all out of lessons with Jake that I can.
Plus I still have of the material he's sent me over the passed couple years. Some of it I had no use for a year ago but I bet I could crack it now. I can continue to improve without taking lessons for awhile and eventually move on to a new teacher.
I did send one final plea earlier to try to resolve this but I know deep down it's time to accept that it's over, not only because I know how Jake is when he makes up his mind about something but because I know that there's more to this than what's on the surface. I know it bothers his girlfriend that we talk at all-- I mean I can see why, I'm gorgeous, intelligent, talented musician and physically fit. And nice. Finding a girl that likes metal is cool but one that plays metal is like finding a f*cking unicorn. But I have zero interest in Jacob romantically and have never flirted or anything like that. I really wanted to befriend his girlfriend from day 1 because I wanted her to be able to see my character and that I would not go there. (But I think seeing my character somehow made her hate me more, ha ha ha... )
Whatever happens, happens. All I know is I'm going to sleep well tonight because I did a good job finishing my management assignment early and tomorrow I've got my favorite class. I think I should also try to meet up with Sipic if I can get up early enough. He said he's got a plan to squeeze in a business minor with my economics degree-- I think it means I've gotta take some supply chain in the Fall... easy!
"Back straight, eyes forward, shoulders back." My mom told me this is how you walk with confidence and should do so all the time. I've been reminding myself to do this all week to improve posture and hopefully after awhile it will be second nature.
I think a lot of it had to do with starting this quarter off badly which f*cked up my internal schedule and confidence so I haven't been able to figure out a solid routine yet. Today I tried spent a lot of time studying macro Chapter 3 but pretty much got nowhere on the homework. The math is really killing me right now. I need to actually practice it, and I'm hoping that adding the website to my studying will help me do that this next week.
I know in order to hold myself to practicing anything I have to create a schedule with the number of hours I'm going to spend on it.
This is me feeling very stressed out and defeated. I spent about 5 hours studying today with little physical proof of improvement of understanding (completed assignments...) so I know I have to approach this differently. I'm meeting up with Kevin tomorrow to figure out the Ch. 3 production function equations I could not for the life of me get today. Then I'm going to start using the website to more proactively study the book.
Here is my schedule for the next week. I have my first macro test on the 31st and right now I'm not feeling prepared for it at all. I've wrote out this planner so that in the next week I'm going to do about 12 hours of Macro study by the time I hit the upcoming test because I know that's how much I'm going to need. That's a goal of two hours of studying macro alone each day this week, plus also remembering to chip away at that project 2 for my management class.... And try not completely throw guitar under the bus. And find a job.
....Because I have no money, which is another source of stress in my life because my parents give me money to live so I try to spend as little money as possible. But now that I'm 22 everyone around me is drinking and alcohol is so tempting and freaking expensive. And of course I have guitar lessons that cost $80 a month and my habit that cost as much as any regular smoker at this point.
All this stress is making it so not I'm getting enough sleep. I haven't been to sleep probably earlier than 2 am all week because I am too stressed to fall asleep and keep getting woken up from nightmares of failing school. Literally I've been having these nightmares where I have to take an exam and I'm not ready or I somehow fuck up my life and wake up in a panic and it makes it hard to even get up in the morning so I'll end up sleeping in until 11' even if the nightmare woke me up at 6!!!
I have to change all these bad habits in my life right now before it's too late and I get a D on my first exam. This week I will get more sleep, eat healthier, smoke less, work more, wake up earlier, study harder and practice better. Then by this time next Saturday I won't feel like this. I'll tell you how the first day of this goes tomorrow (well, technically today, obviously going to bed at a decent time isn't getting off on the best foot but tomorrow I'm going to make it a goal to be in bed by 11)
Today I got rid of a lot of trash around my house, bagged up some extra clothes that I don't wear for Goodwill, got a few things at the grocery store, practiced about 45 minutes and plan to knock out the other 35 before bed, and best of all prettied up by LinkedIn profile and added some people.
Sipic added me and "endorsed" some of my skills, wheeee : 3 Today was a good day indeed.... My profile is still missing a lot of information but at least I'm getting the hang of it.
My goal for this break was to get a job and work on that profile so I feel accomplished to some degree. Though I haven't actually been contacted by anyone from the College of business about my application for the office position. I can't put all my eggs in one basket, I need to start applying for other jobs around campus too before long. I'd really rather not work retail again if I can help it. It's exhausting and boring. I either want a job on campus or something that can get me tips for being cute.
My darling Marshall is so happy to be home again where he can relax and not worry about other cats.
I feel like he hasn't slept in weeks because of the shenanigans that inevitably occurred while we were gone. He stayed at the house with Michiko, Miranda and Marlow when we were in California and this afternoon I noticed some of his whiskers look like they've been cut short. I'm sure it's from Miranda scratching him in this face because he will recklessly annoy the other cats by biting their tails.
He's been so cuddly and loving with me all day though. He makes me feel less nervous about any upcoming change in my life. Tomorrow school starts and I still have to buy my books. Today I was thinking maybe I'd get them with this guy I like right now but I wasn't able to get in contact with him.
Here are my New Years Resolutions for 2014
1. Make it a goal to practice 80 minutes of guitar a day. Enough to make sufficient progress but not enough to take over my life.
2. Use a squirt bottle to train Marshall not to beg for food.
3. Study 2 hours a day on weekdays (ex. Friday) and Sundays mandatory, even if it's after a test so I don't end up giving one class more attention than the others.
4. Absolutely no drinking on Sun.-Thurs., as always, and try to keep drinking on Saturday to a minimum because I need to be fully ready to study on Sundays.
5. Be confident, damn it. Stop selling myself short, and if I do for God sake don't share it because it only puts you in a vulnerable position. Hold yourself in high esteem while of course respecting and trying to gain knowledge from people who are doing well at what you want to be doing.
6. Make an effort to dress cute on days that I feel depressed and like shit to motivate myself to get out more. Get out more in general.
7. Don't judge or think badly of someone based on the way they look. Remember the law of attraction and that thinking negatively can effect how you appear to the rest of the world. This will help build new relationships with people.
8. Moderate time on facebook to be able to use the computer for actual research and schoolwork.
9. Keep up with economics news and pay more attention to names and current events.
10. 100: combination of situps, squats every day. Continue to eat healthy and go the gym if possible. Burning off that energy feels great.
So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday. Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings.
That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing.
I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....
I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming.
I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime.
I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week.
So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore. I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure. We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong.
I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning.
Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too.
Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl!
I'm sort of sore today, probably because of the exercise that I've been doing. I know that I probably drank too much of that protein stuff the last couple days and my body is indicating that I didn't burn all of it off. I need to only do the whey protein once every other day, though I do plan to still work out every day. Maybe I'll cut the half scoop down to a quarter scoop one day, then half scoop the next and see how my body reacts. Too much protein is not good for you, and I'm not used to much because I typically eat hardly any red meat.
It's still pretty early so I figure I'll do my blog before my practice session. I've got my second to last lesson today.
15 Days!!
yahoo.
I'm going to continue my project from yesterday. It still seems pretty nerdy to recap your life thus far on your blog, but I don't really mind.
Age 18, 2009-2010
Year of limbo between highschool and college, and kicking major ass.
This was a big year because it was my senior year and I was juggling taking classes at Ki-Be and CBC, but at the time I couldn't have been more ready. I had my last real year of the "highschool life" my Junior year, and I felt like I'd outgrown it. Sports were still a big part of my senior year, I finished out soccer pretty strong (We finally went to state, then of course lost, but whatever it was a good run) and had an incredible tennis season.
I still did a little of the highschool shit, like here's me and Robert before homecoming or some other formal, I can't remember. I didn't go to prom my senior year because I was way too wrapped up in tennis and figuring out graduation.
I babysat Tori for the little money that I made. I was of course driving back and forth to CBC every day, but because gas prices were lower back then it was a little bit easier to not have a job. It was getting a little awkward for Chad and Carmin as I got older to have me babysit because I was becoming an adult and needed to get an actual job.
Overall:
Looks: I was still wearing Metal T-shirts. Throughout the year as I discovered magibon and cutesy Japanese culture I started incorporating more cute things into my wardrobe, but would usually just wear them to CBC and change into something more dull/comfortable for ki-be. My makeup was still a little cakey and my acne was pretty bad at times but I was getting better.
Work: Babysitting, but more and more rarely. Chad and Carmin weren't working night shifts anymore because Carmin was a manager at a Starbucks. She didn't need me there anymore at night and would only have me when they went on dates. Those were only $10-12 nights and I was getting too old for it when I'd have a test the night morning. I didn't try that hard to find a new job, though. I did end up getting a really good babysitting job during the summer where I was getting paid hundreds each week to watch these two girls from 8-5 pm. They were little manacle bitches though and I had a hard time taking them. That summer I was trying to teach myself guitar with crappy lessons with Neilson and ended up giving up. I thought I'd never learn how to play the guitar.
Friends: Pretty all over the place. This is the year I really started becoming solid friends with Samantha. At first she seemed a little scared/intimidated by me because A) I was two years older than her and B) she saw a picture of me and her boyfriend together from the previous year--which pissed her off. But eventually she came around and we became really close friends.
Katelynn was wrapped up with Zach W. at Hanford, so I rarely saw her. We really only started hanging out once she got back in her Mom's house. We haven't had a hiatus since we started hanging out again back then. At the time that me and Katelynn DID start talking again she was dating Jon A., who I remember taking senior pictures for holding his clarinet. I was just happy she was away from Zach because he has a destructive personality, regardless of being really sweet to people.
Once me and Katelynn started spending more time together we were much closer than we'd ever been as friends. We really started to get eachother more than we ever had.
Katharine and I had become close friends again during the tennis season of my senior year. Katharine took a lot of good pictures of me playing during my first round of state. I gave those girls a hell of a run.
Skills: I ended up setting a record for most consecutive wins at Ki-Be. I felt accomplished with that and never wanted to play tennis again... It's been two years since then and I still don't feel like I'd want to play it. Sports were great but blegh they got old.
Love: Dated that guy James R. for a little while during the winter. This is a guy that Marco M. was best friends with and introduced me too after me and Marco had a falling out. Don't ask how this happened, I'm not sure myself but all I know is that Marco was spending a lot of time with Josie (Josie and I seem to have the same taste in men) and that led me to not talking to him.
James was not like Marco though. Marco was really spontaneous, kind of a chameleon with people, really flirtatious, and a little slow. James was a serious military guy, he REALLY knew what he wanted and completely fell for me immediately. Unfortunately we didn't have the same sense of humor and I got bored quickly, so I had to tell him I couldn't take that he was leaving.
Honestly though, if we HAD grown attached that would have been difficult. I was attracted to James at the time but not as attracted as I was too....
JackJackJackJackJack... Seriously he had me immediately. At the time I had no idea what I was getting myself into emotionally, had I known the amount of time I would end up spending waiting for this person to come around I wouldn't have come over to his brother in law's house that night.
That winter Jack and I started something, we'd hang out at his place or mine at these weird hours and do quirky things like make sushi or... Oh God, that same night he had this idea that we'd go to the Toyota Arena and build snowmen out the snow shavings from the zamboni, it was such a typical "outside the box" Jack idea that was a miserable fail but it was so funny.
This only lasted a couple months; it stopped when he transferred to Central. He'd start talking to me spontaneously over the next couple years but it would all be misleading garbage that confused the shit out of me until I confronted him about it (which was just this summer, actually).
I did date Lane Hammitt for a little while after the second falling out with Chad. They were friends. Lane was sort of dumb, though, we didn't click and I just think I wanted to have a boyfriend to hang around with. It lasted a few weeks. I also dated a Chinese guy for two weeks that Michael Z. introduced me too. It didn't work out, he didn't have anything to say.
Confidence: Not bad, actually I was sort of cocky because I got good grades at CBC and got sort of self important. Little did I know I still had A LOT to learn before I'd knew how to handle myself in college classes. I was so annoying because I'd ask too many irrelevant questions because I thought college classes were like highschool classes where professors WANT student input. Thank God I've changed. Tennis gave me some confidence too, I was just really ready to be out of highschool.
Here's some videos from 2010 when I was that age.
One of the really exciting experiences of 2010 was going to my first GOOD anime convention, Otaku Con 2010.
There's me in the costume was horrendously constricting and uncomfortable. I had a really fun time at the con though and met a lot of good people. This gave me more inspiration to study Japanese the next year at CBC.
Kuro neko con was really fun, I cosplayed on both days and my Grandma made me a really nice lucky star costume. I might even sell that dress on ebay, it's THAT well made and realistic. I remember we spent the night at that nasty hotel and had to SWITCH hotels because we couldn't take anymore. I remember having a lot of extra money that summer. Probably, again, because gas prices were lower and all the extra money.
(well that about wraps up 18, tomorrow I'll do 17 so stay tuned, haha)
New video I posted today about shopping from ebay. Funny, I've been over the anime/cosplay subculture for a year now but my videos are still talking about it on youtube.
I went to the mall today and saw a lot of people from school, like David, Kotey, Austin... Those guys are starting to look a lot older, it's surprising, I just remember us all so vividly being in grade school and now they're starting to really find themselves as adults. Or not, they're just goofballs, but they're starting to look older, definately! David has really pretty eyes, he looks handsome with his short hair. He's going to do fine finding girlfriends and stuff.
Michael and I had a really nice chat, walked around and looked in Hollister and other shops but I didn't see anything that stood out to me as being worth $25. I love thrift stores, and I love that Hipsters are in right now because it makes it easier to be a thrifty person. There's no shame in it, if it's prewashed and good quality there's no reason why you can't wear second hand clothes. Of course some things like bras and underwear probably should be new.
I had my guitar lesson today that was over an hour long. Jacob taught me a LOT in this lesson, but the number one thing was we finally got my hand and arm positioned correctly for playing. He pinned my forearm to the body of the guitar momentarily to make a point. Now every time I play I am reminded of this and have to keep that adjustment, but it's difficult because I'm so used to moving my arm almost freely and picking more from my elbow, it's a very bad habit. I'm going to practice it, though, like anything else and hopefully break this habit.
I'm supposed to do all my playing through my wrist. It's difficult to get correctly, this has taken me four and a half months now.
He's also given me advice on other things, like that confidence and self worth is really the only thing that matters, especially in appealing to the opposite sex. He also told me that people will tell you what they want you want to know if you ask them. If you ask them how things are going with their boyfriend/girlfriend, they will tell you. It sounds simple but it's something that a lot of us don't do when we're hesitant in meeting a person and though it's good not to be too forward but it really is better to ask someone straight out than not and get confused when things don't work out.
I should work out tonight, I feel like even if I've been working out pretty often again I'm still eating out too much and ruining my diet. My mom made some ground beef-noodle-"season in the box" dish tonight that was alright, definitely hot so that was nice. Those things contain way too much sodium though and taste/look disgusting just hours after you make it. Makes you wonder what's really in it. Don't get me wrong, they don't taste too bad.
Tomorrow I'm probably just gonna relax and hang out, probably study. I'm not going to go out because I already spent $20 today on a MAC mascara and I'm not planning to spend again until I get paid on Thursday. Not having my lesson on Wednesday is nice, Wednesday had become sort of a hectic day when I was hanging out with Samantha after almost every lesson. Now I can really get refreshed before my work weekend. He he he, only three more weeks to go you guys!
.jpg)
