I told you I'd get back to you.

Hello again. It's been a long few days.

On January 1st, the last night I had to spend with Travis, I got quite drunk. And I don't mean "Talking loud, wanting to watch something stupid on TV, semi-functional drunk..." I was full on wasted, like could barely get out of my bed and across my messy room and up the stairs to go to the bathroom because my legs were so floppy and uncoordinated. The next morning I figured I'd be doing some light packing but not the majority of it but come to find out at 10 am the next morning my mom had other plans.

I mean in retrospect, thank God we started packing on the 2nd because my mom and I spent until about 3 pm packing on the 3rd which was supposed to just be unloading day according to her. The actual unloading into the house was a bit of a struggle because of this strange stairway that leads to the basement, but it's so pretty down here I can barely complain. I'm still waiting to be completely done unpacking before I do a great unveil on here and facebook.

Being at this new place of my own I have so much new energy. Because I have a ton of storage my life is once again clutter free and I feel so much more happy and relaxed. Having my own supply of food, knowing where everything is and not having to fight with my family's (primarily Dad's) mass amount of clutter and crap that would flood into that basement on a regular basis.

It makes me happy because it makes me realize there's really nothing wrong with me in regards to organization and keeping my environment clean. It's just when I'm in an environment where I feel like other people's interference is making it to hard to handle I crack and do nothing. Allow it to become a mess, not give a shit and look forward to the next time I'm leaving. Isn't that sad? Makes me glad as F*ck I don't have a husband or kid to take care of.

Uhm.

OH. My sister got engaged to Jimmy last month! Ha ha, like nobody predicted that one. Still I'm very happy to see she'll be marrying the man she loves. They've got such a stable relationship and life, I feel safe with Jimmy. I feel like he's not someone that would ever cheat or have major problems that would complicate or even be detrimental to my sister's self-worth.

According to my Dad, Avery has hardly any plans of going to college anytime soon. Which is understandable considering she's pretty much a master at her trade-- coffee making. And she's known virtually all over the tri cities because of her regular customers that always yell "Avery! Avery!" when they see her places. She's like made her own fanbase.

Another great thing about Roasters is that they're a sole proprietorship now but they've expanded very significantly in the area since openning. If they were to ever switch to being a publicly traded entity my sister would undoubtedly get the best stock options for her and Jimmy's loyalty to the company.

Okay that's it for now. School starts tomorrow and I'm really, really pumped up for it. Gonna work out a little, maybe do a tiny bit more art, then go to bed.. I actually got up at a decent hour this morning because I was expecting to have a Dr.'s appointment but it was cancelled because Zirk was sick. Poor guy. It's cool, I'm looking forward to getting a chance to talk to him tomorrow, get three months prescription and finally make the necessary steps to cut back my smoking dramatically for school. It was pretty impossible when I didn't have the resources to do it before because the meds I needed were for some reason unavailable for the past two weeks. Whatever.

Get it all squared tomorrow and have them transfer the prescription up here to Rite Aid. I'm not worried about much because my Dad dropped a few hundred in my account today and I have all the food I'll need for at least a week and a half for only $100. Thanks Bargain Market. God, another thing I missed. Even if they sometimes don't have everything they have a sh*t ton of good stuff, cheap. 

Like today I scored 4 pomagranites for $5. Okay you don't care, lol, bye.

peace.

Trying to get back to normal.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!


It's nice to be home... much, much less stress, anxiety, etc...

My Mom has has helped me out immensely by taking me to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed me Lorazapam. I now have something to take if I'm on the verge of having a panic attack but it makes me feel a little strange so I don't intend taking these very often. It's just a matter of not thinking about this and moving forward...

Today I'm planning on spending the whole day on the computer, playing my guitar and hanging out with my awesome family... And Jimmy.

Last night I went over to Samantha's house and immediately came out to her about the difficulties I've been having with my panic attacks. I was feeling very weird and unable to relax. Samantha is very understanding of what I've been going through and I know that she will be there for me no matter what. I talked to Shawn about learning to relax and he said, "I just don't care. There's no use in getting all worked up about something you can't control..." That's very true, that's what most people say, it's always just been hard for me to live and let live...

There are many underlying factors that led to this panic. Being worried about school, feeling isolated at Central, Jed telling me he liked me again and building hope about it then shortly being let down afterward...Just a number of things, more than anything though it was the panic of having another panic attack after my initial one back a few weeks ago.

So my biggest challenge is just to not think about it at all. Now that I know that there's nothing physically wrong with me (I went to the doctor's office and had a physical, everything looks very normal) there's no reason for me to worry. It's all just in my head. I just have to keep breathing... and stop thinking about breathing.

When I told Shawn about my almost near constant fear that it felt like my throat was closing up he told me, "Well it won't... Your throat won't do that." Logically I know that it won't, but that's always where I can feel the panic start. Then it moves to my chest.

I went over to Katelynn's house after Samantha's, and when I got there I took my 3rd Lorazapam half for the day. We smoked a little and it made me feel a LOT better. Smoking always helps me put things into perspective and calm me down, but the stuff that I was smoking before was too potent and made me feel even more paranoid then before.

So yes, very good visit with Katelynn, I always sleep extremely well on that mattress that she pulls out in the living room. Her and Alan are planning to move to different apartments over in Richland-- pretty close to Shawn and Sam, actually. That will be very nice.

I'm feel calm today. This has been a difficult few days with this panic issue but it's slowly resolving itself back into normalcy.

peace. 

Black cherry hookah and pleasant afternoons...

So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday.

Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings. 

That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing. 

I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....

I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming. 

I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime. 

I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week. 

So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore.

I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. 

This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. 

She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure.

We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong. 

I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too. 

Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl! 

peace.